Lana still heard the slamming of the theater doors echoing inside her head. Nina had grabbed Rikkie and had dragged him away across the street to the bus stop a few blocks away. She could still hear Rikkie pleading with Nina and the “Why?” Nina was having none of that. With her looking back at a scared and lonely Lana, Rikkie’s eyes showed of fear, as she was actually weaker physically than Nina.
Lana watched them as they had reached the bus stop. She could barely make out in the street light near the stop that they were still arguing. Other patrons leaving the theater and entering it passed by her; Lana was oblivious to the world around her except for the scene playing out distantly in front of her. Nina had pulled Rikkie up into the bus and, moments later, with the huff and whine of the diesel engine, it rolled forward, onto its next stop.
Fear began to grip Lana’s insides. A fear she had never known before. She was in serious trouble. She had nowhere to change and did not have her boy clothes. Those were still over at Rikkie’s and Nina’s house. She had to get home soon too because she would be in additional trouble for being out so late as well. Lana just sighed and let her mind go blank.
The darkness of the night had allowed her to think her situation through some, but her body had begun to slowly move own its own accord while she replayed the day over in her mind. What had she done wrong? Why was Nina so upset? It sure looked like Nina did not want her to see Rikkie though!
She gradually became aware of the bus engine droning and glanced outside. She was almost home. With her choices few and being on her own, Lana pulled the stop cord four blocks before her stop and got off of the bus.
Lana shook her head just pondering all the imaginable scenarios: Lana could go home and just face the music. "Mom, ummm… this is who I am. This is what makes me happy. I AM LANA!” Mom would then hug her and tell her "everything will be okay.” Mom could freak out and scream, "Get out of those clothes immediately!!” Her father might be sitting in the living room, take one look at her and then leap off of the couch exclaiming, "What in the goddamn f**king hell is this?” And then duly proceed to beat the shit out of her!!!
Taking a deep breath, she accepted that she was going to be in deep trouble. These were to be the last enjoyable moments of her life. She knew she would just have to go home and face the music, no matter which way events turned, life as she once knew it was forever over!
Lana walked up to the payphone that was two blocks from her house and decided to use it and call her mom before entering the house and see who was home. But also, to prepare her mother for what she was about to experience. She reached the phone and picked up the receiver. As she began to dial her number, a voice called her name.
"Lana? May I talk to you?”
Lana turned to see Rikkie standing near her, her face red and her eyes even more raw from crying. That feeling of hopelessness lifted from Lana and she felt her love for Rikkie surge once more.
Rikkie looked down to the sidewalk as she said, “Nina sent me to find you and bring you home.”
Lana waited for Rikkie’s eyes to meet hers again.
“Rikkie…. What happened?”
Rikkie hesitated but then softly let it all come out.
“Nina is mad at us: you and me both. She says you are cheating on her by being with me. I-I-I d-don’t know what we are going to do. She threatened me with exposure and not being my sister if I didn’t stop seeing you. She did not say anything about you or what she would do if you didn’t stop seeing me, but I don’t know what she would do. You know how I feel about her. But I also feel for you too!!!”
Lana felt a stab go into her heart and her eyes began to water.
“You know Lana, maybe we did go too fast? Maybe we do need time to see if this is what we really want. I mean, if I go against Nina, I’m going to be suffering. And I really don't want to hurt or lose my sister. And….”
Lana watched tears roll down Rikkie’s face. An inescapable urge gripped her and forced her to step forward and embrace the person she loved most in the world. The two held onto each other crying softly under the streetlight above the payphone.
“I love you Rikkie! I do!”
“Lana, god, I love you also... “Lana connected her lips to Rikkie’s and stopped her response. The two opened their eyes as they kissed and held onto that kiss for all it was worth. They gingerly separated their lips and looked longingly into each other’s eyes.
Rikkie pulled back a little and wiped her eyes.
“As mad as Nina is, she would not let you get hurt by going home like this. She sent me to find you and bring you back to our house to change.”
Lana felt her throat stick and then gulped, “I'm not going to change. I'm going home just like this! Whatever happens, happens!”
Rikkie grabbed her hand and gave her a gentle tug back towards the Soto’s house. "Don't be silly Lana, no one will understand this! You will be ruining your life!”
Lana gave her a frown. “As if my life isn’t ruined already?”
The both of them walked a little further quietly. Lana knew that Rikkie was right, she knew that it made sense. It's just that ten minutes ago she had no options. Now there was one, except this option also entailed not being able to see Rikkie. Lana knew this was no time to be stubborn.
"You’re right. I have no choice do I?”
Rikkie squeezed Lana’s hand. “I would like to think of it as being not denying yourself a possible chance in the future. You never know how things will turn out. And who is to say sometime in the future that we can both be together again and things will have worked out by then?”
Lana leaned against Rikkie’s right shoulder as they slowly walked. Rikkie didn’t shirk away.
"She hates me doesn't she?”
“Nina had said that ‘the party was over’ and that Lana could not come over anymore. However, Joey could. But not right away.”
Lana's heart broke upon hearing that. She was Lana, not Joey. Joey was something of the past and something she could no longer be…something that needed to be buried. But the words which Rikkie had said that seemed to make the decision for her, was “…But not right away.”
Lana felt numb. Her heart longed for Rikkie. The finality of this was starting to seep in and affect her.
Lana looked over at Rikkie and asked, "Are you okay Rikkie?”
"I think so,” she sighed. “I still have my sister. She is the one who brought me out into the open and free myself. She has always been there for me and I never once had to ask her. You know I couldn't live without her!"
Lana sniped back, “But you can live without me?"
Rikkie stopped and spun Lana to face her.
"Look! You mean the world to me Lana! Don’t you ever forget that! But my sister in the most important person in the world to me right now! My situation isn’t good at the moment and until things change, that’s just the way it has to be for right now!!”
Rikkie paused and watched Lana. Lana’s face was frozen.
“Both of us are upset,” Rikkie said more softly, “And we do love each other. I’m going to be there for you, like my sister has been for me. It’s just gonna take some time and I’ll see how to work it out later. I do ache for you Lana. I do.”
Her words had left Lana with the hope that someday they could all be friends again. Someday. But some time would have to pass before that could happen. Lana accepted that things had drastically changed and that she would have to cope, not matter how much she hurt. She was very pleased with her admittance to being a female and coming out, but things really had gone too far, too fast.
She was still, for the time being, Joey Martinez, a teenage boy, physically. She had been lucky that things turned out as they had. As of this moment, she had not been hurt beyond repair! She had a way out of this situation.
Lana would have to go into hiding again and Joey Martinez would have to emerge to run this show.
Comments
Love can hurt
and life can be a bitch. Sometimes we can have what we want; sometimes it is, and always will be, beyond our grasp.
A gentle portrayal of young minds developing and finding that life has a habit of rearing up and biting you from time to time.
Loved it.
Susie
thanks for the comments
Some of this is close to my life experiences so the sadness did get worse, but I have learned to live with it.
Lana Lund
Lana Lund