THE KISS:
It had been a blistery cold January evening in Minnesota. The blast of winter had chilled the entire state and deep snow had assured that “Ole man winter” was going to stick around for a while. The neighborhood was quite and still. All that could be heard was the wind and the crunch of the snow under her heels. She had been out for a walk, a crazy thing to do on this winter night, but this winter night was to be a night for her to remember. Plus she had to take her walks when ever she got the chance to.

The evening began with the goodbyes of her parents as they headed out for a night of drinking and dancing with friends. Shortly there after the horn honked and her younger sister ran out the door to go to her baby sitting job. The house was hers tonight and she was prepared to take advantage of it. The previous week she had gone shopping and made the much needed purchases.

As she moved about the young girls clothing section she was thrilled at the variety of choices that she had. Dresses long and short, skirts, soft fabrics and pretty colors. She was looking to buy her first mini skirt. Minis were all the rage and she just had to have one for her very own. She had done her home work talking with girls at school and discovering where the nicest and shortest skirts could be found. The best selection was at Dayton’s Department store.

The store was in the downtown area of town and was often crowded with shoppers. She had made several trips to “scout out the area.” Girls like her had to always prepare and plan for shopping excursions!! She had very thoroughly looked though the racks and settled on the section of the store that held the biggest treasures. She had made her choice and moved to that rack. Picking the skirt that she wanted she looked around and noticed that there were too many of people around. She froze in fear! Just too many people, in the girls section this time. Her radar alerted her and sent the usual warning. She would have to come back another time! Her hands were shaking as she tried to put the blue suede mini skirt back on the rack. God was she scared, but why? Nobody would know! It could be a gift for someone. But she would die if the sale lady made any remarks! She would die if someone she knew saw her buying the skirt and would tell someone. She should leave, run away, and make her escape! But she had saved the money. She had taken the bus downtown for now the third time counting the two scouting missions. She couldn’t chicken out now! Not again! She picked up the skirt and said to herself, “heck with it.” “Your money is as good as anyone else’s money!” She was almost hyperventilating from fear, why did this always happen?!?! She practiced her lines again quickly. I hope my sister will like it! Or it’s a gift for my girlfriend, yeah that sounded better! More manly!! More manly you are buying a skirt for god’s sake! I can’t do, this, she put the skirt back and turned only to see the sale lady watching her closely! She had been noticed!! Oh my god, run before she says anything!! As she put the skirt back it fell to the floor. Geeze could this get any more difficult she muttered!! She picked it up off the floor and the worst that could happen came true. There she was THE SALES LADY!!!! "May I help you came out in slow motion!" Each word causing it own individual pain and discomfort!! She felt her face turn several deepening shades of red, she was sure!

She was stuck now! If she ran, and she had considered that, the sales lady would surely call for help thinking something had been stolen. They would haul her into the back room and open the other bags and find the bra and panty set in yellow and the stockings and garter belt too! There would be the question what are you planning to do with this? She tried to speak. Her mouth opened! A squeak came out that sounded like, "yes!" She had to continue now. “Yeah, yes, I want this skirt!” Oh no that was dumb she thought. “I’d like to buy this skirt for my sister!” "Very nice choice, it’s so cute!" Oh god did she know?!? She used the cute word a word that still felt so awkward to her. “It is cute isn’t it” was her reply oh no the wrong things to say, AGAIN!! Oh now she knows for sure!! I used the word CUTE!!!!! She better not say another word. She handed the skirt to the sales lady and followed her back to the register! “Are you certain that this will fit?” She stopped dead in her tracks at the question. She knows that the skirt is for me! She knows that I will be wearing this skirt, I’m gonna die right here at the cash register!! "It’s the right size I’m sure" was all she could say! “Are you all right”, the lady asked? You are so flushed. “Yeah I’m okay just a little bit warm in here” she answered handing her the money to pay for the skirt. “This skirt will look daring on you,” the lady said! “I think it will, too, I can’t wait to wear it!!” WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU DUMMY!!! The sale lady studied at her for what seemed to be an eternity before speaking!! "Would you like to try it on!?!?!?" It had been years since she had pee’ed her pants but she felt like she was about to go right then and there!! "I think it will be fine thanks anyway", she answered wanting very badly to take her up on the offer to try it on, but not having the courage. "You are always welcomed to try things on, just come and see me honey, and it will be fine!!" "My name is Wendy, stop and see me again when you are shopping I’d be happy to help you!" Thanking Wendy and leaving the store was a blurred memory for her.

The bus ride home was almost more then she could bare, she could not wait to see the skirt on. Wendy had been so nice and Lana desided to would return and take her up on the offer!

As she walked in the snow lost in the breeze that swirled the cold air around her legs, warmed by the thoughts of just how wonderful she felt, she failed to notice the danger that had come up behind her just one block from home! ”What are you doing” was all that she heard as she spun around to see that she was not alone any longer! The voice had said something about the weather not being fit for man nor beast, and how cold it was, and something about no one in there right mind being outside tonight, but she hadn’t heard anything else or heard anything clearly. All that she thought about was getting away from here and that she had been busted. “My name is Steven isn’t this a beautiful snowfall” he asked as he smiled at her? I’ve got to say some thing! I can’t just start running I’m wearing heels and skirt!! Searching for composure and for that voice that she used when all alone. She spoke softly and said; “that is why I wanted to walk home from baby sitting tonight, it is beautiful!” The fear that arose in her every time she came face to face with her secret self was there once more. It was the fear she had felt at the department store, the same fear she had felt when she stepped out side the door of her home. It was the same fear that made her voice constrict and soften. It was the fear that made her say softly to Steven “nice to meet you Steven I’m Lana and it is beautiful, the snow!!”

They stood on the corner one block from her home and talked about where they went to school and where she was from and stuff that teenager’s talk about. She could not see anything in his eye but friendship. She knew to always be aware and to be on guard. The thrill replaced the fear and she talked to Steven for far too long. She was warmed by the flood of feelings that came from within. As she listened to her internal dialog it told her that she was passing as a female and that this boy was not any the wiser. She realized that she had talked to him for more then a few minutes when he brushed the snow from her shoulders. She looked into his eyes and felt things that she had never felt before. She liked him and she could tell that he like her too. "Can I walk you home" he asked? “I’m staying right down the block for the past few days with my uncle and aunt.” “My uncle will get mad if he sees you with me!” "Can I see you again tomorrow, maybe go skating or something? She really wanted too, but she could not think of any way to say yes. Searce for something to say, “I am going home in the morning back to Kansas and besides I have a boy friend!!” "That’s too bad; I mean that you have a boyfriend and that you are leaving" he stammered. "Why is that too bad", she asked. “Because I don’t mess with girls that have boyfriends!!” “Are we messing” she asked? Before she realized what she had just said, and before she could turn to leave, Steven grabbed a hold of her and gave her softly, her very first kiss! A warm and soft wonderful kiss! That one time in a lifetime kiss, the first kiss!

She ran to the house spilling in through the front door, breathing rapidly trying to catch her breath. My god what had just happened? She peeked out the window only to see Steven waving goodbye! She tore off her coat, turned and ran upstairs taking her clothes off as she ran. She whirled into her room and pulled out the box that she kept hidden deep in her closet. She removed her sweater and skirt placing them back in the box. She ran to the bathroom to remove her makeup. As she stood in front of the mirror she paused. She couldn’t help but notice that she had a huge smile stuck on her face! She hated this part of her life the taking off of the lovely clothing, but tonight she was enjoying everything! She slowly lifted the wig from her head and began to wash the makeup from her face. Slowly she began to wade into the transformation that always affected her in the same way. The more that she removed the more and the deeper into depression she fell! Why did she have to take everything off and hide it away? Why did she have to stop being who she was and be something she was not? Why god did she have to be a boy? She is a cute girl! A girl that is special in so many ways. A girl that her Father and Mother, her sisters and brothers, would love, if they knew her. Placing the box back into the closet she did the quick survey to make sure that nothing had be left out and everything had been accounted for. Lana thought for a moment that maybe she should leave something out and get caught, and force the issue. Would her family hate Lana and turn their backs on her? Certainty not! His sister would surly love to have her in the family. Her brothers might have a hard time but they would get use to her over time. Her Dad would not handle it very well but he was very distant anyway. Her mom would love her she was fairly sure! After a few days the novelty would wear off and everyone would love Lana just as much as they liked Joey!!!

It was the same dialog, the same dream she had had within herself every time she dressed. She would be so magnificent, confident and sure of her self, and then reality would hit! No they would not understand, no they would not be supportive, no she was not strong enough to do this alone. Things never turn out the way she would have them. They would send her away; they would think that she was crazy or sick! They would never understand. They would never be concerned about her, only what her lifestyle would mean to them. You are alone and you are the one that has to deal with it!! She should just kill herself because she would never ever be happy! She was hopeless and pitiful!! She could hear the voices saying “you sick o, you are so disgusting, fag, sissy!!” She slipped into her nightgown and climbed under the blankets. She returned to that place inside her head that had become so familiar and comforting to her. She reasoned with herself, she made reason out of the confusion that made her feel that her head was about to explode!! Death was not an option, because most of life felt so wonderful!! Some day things would be better, some days they were!

In the silence of the night she relived the evening, beginning with the quick change she had made, from male to female. She smiled and thought about how cute she looked in her new skirt! She laughed to herself as she remembered the blast of cold her that blew up under her skirt. Then the kiss! His cold nose against her cheek and his lips were so warm and soft! It was her first kiss and it felt wonderful. He felt strange to say to himself that he had enjoyed the kiss, he had really enjoyed the kiss!

She heard the front door of the house open and her little sister came inside, returning from her baby sitting job! Lana lay in fear as she heard her sister Leigh come up that stairs and go straight to her room. You awake she asked? Lana waited and spoke as if just waking up yeah I am now, what’s up? “Why is my jacket lying in the middle of the hall way, Joey?” Thinking fast as she always did and he had always had to do he replied, Some guy was stuck out front of the house and I went out to push his car out and I just grabbed your coat, sorry! Stop wearing my stuff she shouted and slammed the door! Joey closed his eyes and wondered had he gotten away with the explanation or did she know the real story? That familiar fear returned as he again replayed the evening through in his mind! The makeup, the nylons, the wig, the skirt, the walk, the kiss!
That kiss, her first kiss …sleep.