BIGGER THAN ME

First period went as smooth as it did at the beginning of year with no one making any comments or asking any questions. Mr. Phillips didn’t look my way as much as he had earlier in the week. It was almost Zen that morning.
I mean, my parents drove me to the building without any negative comments from my dad. He even told me to “have a good day” which I took to heart with a light smile on my face which was passed on to others around me. It was like we were all high on sunshine and lollipops and everything was right with the world.
Second period started off with a slight hitch though with Amanda standing next to Jacob at the door. I tightened the grip on my bag, thinking that I would have to fight someone who could kill me with a simple flick of his finger. It was a good day to die.
They both saw me and stepped away from the archway. The feeling of fight or flight took hold even though I didn’t see anyone else with them and they walked together, holding hands.
“Kristi,” Amanda stared. “This is Jacob.”
If I had a gun, my hand would have been on the trigger with the safety off.
“Not going to do anything,” Jacob replied as he took a step back.
“He’s not, we-. We’ve been talking about what happened between us, all of us.”
“I’m a jerk, okay? You were right about me.”
“Huh?” I asked as I tried to see any deception in their faces but who was I kidding? My ability to read faces was shot by then so I could only count on them telling the truth and not trying to grab and throttle me.
“I was pissed when Amanda told me everything you said but, you were right. I’m even quitting the team for her.”
“Quitting?”
“Can’t ever go pro, so, might as well do something that will support myself and a family, right?”
I think my expression was blank at that moment.
“Kristi?” Amanda asked as she waved her hand in my face.
“Sorry,” I replied as I slacked my grip on my bag. “I mean, don’t quit if it means something to you, I-”
Jacob took a step back and wrapped his arms around Amanda. “She means more to me and I’ve been an ass to her. Not doing that again.”
“We’re going to see a consular and get some help, for the both of us.”
“Great,” I said as Amanda came over and hugged me. I still felt like it was a set-up.
“I’m sorry about Heather.”
I nodded in reply. I’m sure her name would come up in their therapy sessions.
“Is the play still on?”
“Yes, we’re only doing one performance tonight, for Heather.”
“We’ll be there.” She looked back to Jacob who immediately answered with a nod.
Amanda took a few steps back to Jacob and kissed him on the cheek. “I have to get into class.”
“Yeah. Well, I’m going to go and talk to the coach.”
“Is he’ going to be mad?” She asked with an honest-to-God look of fear in her eyes.
“Furious,” Jacob replied. “See you, love!”
I waved to him with one hand as Amanda grabbed my other.
“We talked so much the past day about how stupid we’ve been with each other and he just started crying. I have never seen him do it before but he did then; he was on the floor and everything and I could have been the biggest bitch in the world and throw everything back at him but I didn’t.” We walked into the hallway as she continued. “So, he said he would quit football and to something else. He said he’d do it for us. I said that he had to do things for himself, not for me but he said he wanted to do it for us. For us, can you imagine?”
“That’s quite the turnabout.”
“I know, right? To think he hated you without even knowing you after that phone call.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t. It was the tackle from Hell he needed to feel. Sometimes we all need someone to knock us on our ass. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I answered with as much happiness I could give for her even though I didn’t understand exactly what I did to deserve any thanks. I had to bite my lip—out of her sight of course— at the thought that if I hadn’t said anything to her everything would be kind of okay still.
Mike would still have lost his arm, we would have been entangled in some weird love triangle with Heather; and Jacob and Amanda most likely would be booked for an episode of Jerry Springer but everyone would be alive. I didn’t want to think Heather had to die for someone who didn’t know or care about her to gain clarity on their own life but maybe she would have wanted it that way. I only wished I could have asked her.
I still sat next to Amanda during class. It felt good to have someone choose to sit next to me as I usually chose to sit by myself or watch the shifty eyes of people who were “forced” to sit next to me. The ones who would shuffle their desk or chair over half an inch or so, as a universal way to say they were disgusted by my retro punk look. Amanda didn’t move her chair; not a screech was heard. It felt so good that if I wasn’t engaged I don’t know what I would do.
In the past, I would never be late for class if I could help it and I could not help but to refuse to step within thirty yards of Mrs. Peterson’s class. There was no way in Hell I was going to give Mrs. Peterson any more of my time. She was not going to live rent free in my head.

I took my parents up on the offer to have lunch with them. If it all went downhill I could get up and leave; as I had done countless times in the past, and go back to my room. My room being a few miles away, but it was better than letting Mrs. Peterson get under my skin.
“Have you seen Michael since the accident?”
“No,” I replied with slight sad tone to my voice. “He said it wouldn’t help if I was there; and that I should keep up with my studies.”
Dad simply nodded as his eyes scanner the menu. He pulled into the first place that was open, not too crowded, and that did not serve any, in his terms, “rabbit food”.
“I mean I’ve wanted to go up there every day and I call him when I can but usually he’s zoned out due to the pain meds they have him on. I guess I’ll wait until he’s better.”
“Michael Nelson?” Dad asked in his ‘I’m getting ready to go on a diatribe, please pay attention to the whiteboard’ business voice.
“Yes, dad. We’ve been going to school together for over two years.”
“And you’re engaged to him?”
“Yes,” I raised my hand up; wondering if it was a good idea—he would obviously see the ring and know who it was from.”
“Mama give it to him?” Dad’s expression toned down a bit from ‘give them Hell’ to a hushed one.
He laid the menu down and sighed.
“Daddy gave Mama that ring in 1943, two days before he was shipped off to the war. She held onto it even when it was reported he was shot down over the Pacific. She wouldn’t take it off, she said, even if she saw him dead. It wasn’t worth thousands of dollars, he never said what it was worth as Mama wouldn’t hear of it. It could have been form a carton of Crackerjack. She didn’t care. It meant a lot to her. But when he died she put it with Daddy’s ring and said she would will the set to you.”
“So, there’s another ring?”
“If you have that one, then Michael has to have the other one.”
My mom tried to hold back her tears but failed.
“I’m not dense or closed-minded, Kristi. I just had things planned out and you did not go along with those plans.”
“Dad.”
He held his hand up and I felt the need to dash out of there before our server arrived to take our order.
“It’s going to work out, just not in the way I thought I wanted it to. So, on Monday, we’re going to start the process of having your birth certificate amended to read out your real name: Kristina Allie Novoselic.”
“Really?” I was very close to fainting.
“Well, if I don’t, then you and Mama would do it anyway and I want to be involved.”
I looked at mom, wondering if I was dreaming or if dad was dying but she only smiled and took a hold of my hand.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just say that if you have a problem, you can let me know about it now, okay?”
“Yes sir,” I replied.
“Now, what are you going to do for the rest of the quarter? I’ve talked to the dean. You’re going to be allowed to withdraw without a penalty to your academic record; but you’re not going to be able to come back to campus.”
“Even after what Mrs. Peterson did?”
“We have to pick our battles, Kristi. This isn’t the time or place. We need to build our case. Then come back around and take over.”
I nodded with a slight smile.
We talked during lunch, about my life and everything I was doing. I had to wonder if my dad had some form of dementia or maybe he had been swapped out by aliens as this man in front of me was interested in my life when a few nights ago—not to mention most of my life—he seemed forever disappointed whenever I decided to something for myself and be who I wanted.
We talked for hours on just about the everything we never shared with each other. The blood vessels in my mind hemorrhaged as I desperately desired to know who or what flipped the switch in my father’s head. What made him not care as much about the dress I wore or my tinted hair? I wanted to ask that million-dollar question but decided that getting my dad to open his heart and reveal his true emotion would take an act of business or an IRS investigation. He was trying to reach out to me after over eighteen years and I wanted to let him continue by answering any question he had.
Our next stop would have been at the theatre for a final dress rehearsal, but I asked if we could stop by the dorm for a moment. I had not forgotten that Richard had my camera and maybe he still had Mike’s laptop and I wanted them back before I left UT. He wasn’t going to keep them as trophies.
“I’ll be right back, okay?”
“How long?” Dad asked without any impatience. “We want to make sure have good seats.”
“We roped off a section for family so you’re covered. I’ll be right back.”
I walked straight from the front doors to the dorm master’s office. Richard was not at his desk, but I saw something that was—a camera strap, connected to a camera. Specifically, mine.
I walked into the office, picked it up and confirmed it was mine by a few tell-tale scratches to the body.
“Found what you were looking for?” Richard’s voice asked from the door frame. I refused to turn and look at him.
“Yes, how long have you had it?”
“A few days,” he replied with a coolness in his voice.
“Didn’t think to give it back to me?”
“I can now.”
“Enjoy yourself?” I asked as I tried to put up a brave front.
“There was an interesting aesthetic to the pictures.”
I turned around as he closed the door.
“Those were private,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Then why were they on the camera?”
“Because that’s mine too. Why did you steal it?”
“I didn’t. I found it in the hallway.”
“Before or after you trashed our room?”
“I don’t really remember,” he said with a shrug. “But I do remember that you kept saying you were a girl and I thought, delusions of grandeur there; he wants something that he’ll never have, but then I saw the pictures. You were telling the truth.”
“No shit?” I asked.
“You’re still a freak of nature.”
“And you’re still an asshole.”
“I have a fascination for the unnatural. To find out what makes things like that tick.”
“Things?”
“Well you’re not either, right? In the middle.”
“What I have between my legs does not identify me and it’s none of yours or anyone else’s business how I want to identify. But you are not going to call me an ‘it’, or a ‘thing’. I’m not some social experiment for you to gawk at.”
“Oh, but I did.”
I felt sick hearing him. “I’m leaving.”
“Why?”
“I have my camera; I can assume that you’ve hidden or thrown Michael’s laptop away so-”
I wrapped the camera strap around my arm and moved towards the door but Dick took a step forward and blocked me.
“You would be great in a ménages à trois.”
“And you would be great to shut up and get out of my way.”
“So, you can then, interesting.”
“Step aside, Richard.”
“Do you try multiple positions?”
“Move, Rick.”
“Could you show me?”
“Go. To Hell, Dick!” I swung my camera and struck him in the face with it. I then moved to jab my elbow into his chest—as I tried to recall any of fighting moves Michael tried to teach me. I threw several punches, but they seemingly bounced off him, like I might as well hadn’t done a thing.
I found myself with my left arm pinned behind my back and his other hand on my chest.
“Now you’ve just made it difficult.”
“Are you telling me that no one can hear what’s going on?”
“I doubt they’d care.”
He moved his hand higher and pushed his arm against my throat.
“You really disappointed me, Kris, I kept getting these mixed signals from you and now I really want you.”
I closed my eyes to control my breathing and to try to block out what he was saying.
“You were misunderstood by everyone and you latched onto the first person to acknowledge that you even existed.”
“No, I had a girlfriend,” choked the words out; by letting him talk I could buy more time.
“Did she know?”
“No.”
“Were you afraid of what she would think?”
“Yes.”
Richard had loosened his arm on my neck a little but still held my other arm behind my back and the pain was intense.
“Does she know now?”
“Yes, I told her last week.”
“Do your parents know?”
“Yes.”
I wanted to scream. I wanted someone to knock on the door or at the very least barge in and see everything in front of them.
“You’re lying. They have no idea that you’re dressing up in skirts and panties, do they?”
“They do. They accept it.”
“Do you know what you’re going to do for me?”
“What?”
“Anything I ask, or a few more pictures are going to go out, perhaps to your Dad’s company.”
“Go ahead,” I replied.
“Aww, but that would be such a burden to him, with the world knowing that his only son has hermaphroditism.”
I could feel the tension on my neck lighten up allowing me to bend my neck in and rotate my body out of his grip. I then slammed my foot into his groin and screamed bloody murder because my arm felt like he fractured it.
Richard charged at me and we tumbled against the wall.
“No one cares what will happen to you! Not your parents, not your boyfriend, this school, no one!”
I didn’t respond as I tried to get up.
Richard pulled on my arm and tried to pull me up but I wouldn’t stand. He then grabbed my hair and yanked it like a rope. I screamed in agony as he jerked my head back and forth.
“You’re just a freak of nature! And you should’ve been killed in the womb.”
I couldn’t do anything but cry at that moment, not from the pain in my arm or my head—although they hurt like Hell—but from his words.
He squatted down and pulled my hair again.
“I saw something I wanted in you. Sad that you’ll never get it.”
I wanted to get up and hit him, but my body was shaking too much. I closed my eyes in hopes that I could catch my thoughts and my breath. I heard a ‘click’ and opened my eyes to see an unfolded pocket knife.
He moved the knife to my face and I feared that he would do it like using it to slit my throat or slash my face. Instead, he sliced at my hair, chopping it off in large clumps.
“You’re a worthless thing!”
Richard lifted me up into a keeling position; I was mentally drained.
“I’m not worthless,” I mumbled through chattering teeth. “I’m not a thing.”
“You may be useful for one thing,” Richard said as he unbuckled his belt.
I tried to turn away but he grabbed my shoulders and I stopped feeling anything as my head shook back and forth. I know I screamed out something, but I didn’t know what it was.
There were several loud knocks, followed by several booming sounds coming from the door.
Richard’s grasp loosened as I could see four brightly lit figures appear behind him. Two of them grabbed at him while the other two yelled my name out. I wanted to think it was real; the sounds were loud and the voices, while scrambled, were not ghostly or like a hallucination but with my vision so blurry and sharp pains all over my body I thought maybe it was all just the same nightmare from Saturday night and I would wake up to see Michael next to me, we were still in the dorm.
“Dick, I am so going to bash your head in!”
“With what?” Richard replied to the voice I could almost recognize.
“This is that fella?”
“Yes sir.”
“Kristi?” I fully recognized my mom’s voice and her face slowly came into focus.
My parents were with me, but who was keeping Richard at bay?
My arms hurt too much to move around and I could only see the wall and my scared mother’s face.
“Boy, if you were my kid, I would have flung you into the wall. Thank God you’re not.”
“Let me go.”
“Don’t think so, Dickie.”
“You have no idea how much trouble you’re going to be getting into.”
“Shut up, Richard!” I yelled from the other side of the room.
“Keep still, Kristi.” Mom said as Dad got from off his knee and walked away.
“Son, do you know who I am?”
“No, and I don’t care,” Richard replied.
“Oh, you will. You will.”
“Not the best way to meet up again, Mr. Novoselic?”
“On the contrary, Michael. Your timing couldn’t be more perfect.”
I so wanted to jump from the floor and run to him, but it felt like daggers were going up and down my arms.
“He wanted to get here so fast, we took the roads at near NASCAR, you know?” A voice that I never heard said with a strong southern drawl.
“I do, sir, I do.”
“Randy Nelson.”
“Aaron Novoselic.”
“Don’t just stand there, boy, go over-.”
I heard a pair of boots step over to me and I cringed as I thought it could still be Richard, but I was relieved to see it was Michael.
“Are you okay?”
“Are you a dream?” I asked with all the smile I could muster at that moment.
“I know you’re mine. You okay, Kristina?
“With you here, how could I not be?”