The day after the funeral, I got my mom to take me to visit Ken at the hospital. He was sitting up in bed looking as healthy as could be, and he smiled when I went into the room,

“Hey, Chrissy! How’s it going?”

“Fine! I wanted to come by to talk just a bit. First, I want to say thank you!”

He was obviously confused. “For …?”

“Saving my life, of course!”

“I did? Oh, yeah! Well, thank you for breaking my fall!”

“Are you kidding? If you hadn’t been on top of me, I would have been killed. You were shot three times while you were covering me!”

“It’s all a blur! I’m glad you’re OK!”

“Thank you! The only thing I suffered was having a 250 lb. hunk on top of me for several minutes. I managed but, you know, you could have been paralyzed!”

“Yeah, but the bullets missed anything really important.”

“I also wanted to say, ‘I think it would be great, but given all that’s happened, give me a little more time.’”

He was really puzzled now. “Huh?”

“You asked me to go steady … or have you changed your mind?”

“Oh, that! No, I haven’t changed my mind at all. I just kinda almost forgot, what with everything that’s happened. So, a little more time. I can understand that. Chrissy, I was serious about that. Think about it as long as you want to!”

“Can I give you a ‘thank you’ hug?”

“Yeah! Come here!”

I leaned over his bed and put my arms around his neck. He managed to find my lips with his and kissed me with unabashed passion. My heart was pounding so hard I felt he must have heard it. We finally parted and, of course, I was blushing. “Ken, that was unexpected!”

“But OK … I hope.”

“Oh, yeah, more than OK, Ken. Yes. I liked that.”

“There’s plenty more where that came from!”

“You not the shy type, are you?”

“Nope … life’s too short!”

“Call me when you get out of the hospital, OK?”

He got out a notepad and wrote a phone number on it. “Call this number. I’ll miss the call, but when I get my phone back I’ll have your number and you’ll have mine.”

“OK, I’ll come visit you at home if you want me to, but maybe it should be when your parents are home.”

“He grinned. Don’t worry, I’m a gentleman!”

“I can also see that you’re the ‘gallant’ type.”

“What? How can you see that?”

“Have you ever heard of the ‘gallant reflex’?”

“No. What in the world is that?”

“Look at your sheet. You are experiencing the ‘gallant reflex’ right now!”

He looked at his sheet, and it formed a “tent” just below his waist. It was his turn to blush as he ruffled the covers to hide his arousal.

“It’s OK, Ken. I guess it’s difficult sometimes for a guy to hide the fact that he likes a girl. Instead of ‘difficult’, maybe I should use the word ‘hard’.”

“Chrissy, you’re something else!”

“No doubt about that, Ken.”

Ken had to smile about that comment.

“I better go, Ken. Be sure to call me when you get home.”

“Oh, I will, Chrissy! I can’t wait for another hug!”

On the way, home I had an issue return to my mind that I hadn’t thought about recently. Am I gay? I thought I was attracted to Jody because it was a special relationship, and I could never be attracted to another guy, but I couldn’t deny my excitement when Ken kissed me. I wanted more of that! I thought no one could match Jody’s kindness and caring, but Ken was special, too. I couldn’t be in love with Ken after so short a time. If not love, then it was just sexual attraction to him, which couldn’t happen because he’s a guy! OK, I’m not gay … I’m just a normal teenager … a girl! But I also couldn’t deny my attraction to the girls at school either. So I’m bi-sexual! That’s more gay than just gay, but I decided to go with that.

When classes resumed, the whole school had a different aura. The once carefree attitude of students was replaced by a solemnity not usually associated with a high school. There were areas still cordoned off for continued investigation, and everyone ignored them other to detour around them.

I got a summons the first period of the first day. I assumed that the principal was fed up with the way I dressed, but I was more determined now not to give up. Jody wouldn’t have wanted me to. When I got to the office, however, it was a counselor who wanted to talk to me.

“Hello, Chrissy, my name is Ann Roberts. I’m a psychologist with a practice here in town. Some other counselors and I have been brought in to talk with students about the recent, tragic incident that occurred here at the school.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Now, James Jody Cameron, who everyone knew as ‘Jody’, was the only student who passed away from his injuries. We wanted to speak first with the students who were closest to the deceased. Your name came up, but I’m told that you and Jody were not as close during recent weeks as you once were.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“My concern is that possibly the two of you had some type of disagreement that caused distance between the two of you. If that’s the case, I thought you might want to talk about what caused a problem. In cases similar to this, the survivor sometimes feels regret about having an unresolved rift between him or her and the deceased.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.” She seemed taken aback.

“I miss Jody, but we had no rift.”

“Oh, you’re sure.”

“Yes. Should I explain?”

“Yes, please do!”

“First of all, I’m not what I appear to be.” She nodded. I figured she came into the interview aware of most of the facts. “I was born a boy.”

“Yes, that’s in the file, here. So, do you want to tell me about your relationship with Jody?”

I explained that I appeared to be a normal boy to everyone, but Jody was more than a best friend. I told her about when the two of us had sleepovers; I would snuggle up to Jody and get a sense of safety and security.

“When you snuggled up with Jody, what was his reaction?”

“He was OK with it. At least, he never tried to push me away. I’m sure, though, he would not have wanted anyone else to know about it. I guess we both knew that our relationship was OK, as long as we didn’t make it known to everyone. He said because I was tiny, with long hair, he kinda thought of me as a child needing security or even a girl.”

“Did either of your parents know?”

“I really think his mom knew, but she never said anything. She actually treated me a lot like Jody treated me. The first time I met her, she thought I was a girl, and when we went to his room, she insisted he leave the door open. He talked to his mom after I left and told her I was a boy. She was embarrassed and apologized to me the next time I came over, which embarrassed me but I told her it was no big deal. She still treated me kinda like I was his girlfriend; I guess she couldn’t help it, but she didn’t make him close the door after that.

“My mom suspected something about me and Jody, but she knew a lot more about me than I imagined.”

“What did she know?”

I told her about the “borrowing” of clothing, and that my mom and sister knew about it for a long time. I left out the part about the medicine my mom gave me because I thought it might get her into trouble. I then went on to tell her about the protest regarding what we could wear to school, and how I wore girls’ clothing from then on.

“You’re very brave to come to school dressed like this.”

“Jody and I started the protest, so we were both pretty popular. When you’re popular you can get away with a lot, and since school started back no one seems in the mood to do any bullying or harassing.”

“So, do you think you’re going to pursue a gender change?”

“Yes.”

“So, can you tell me why Jody and you didn’t seem to be such good friends in the past few weeks?”

“Yes. It just seems that way. I told him I didn’t want us to be seen together because it might ruin his reputation. I asked if we could cool it for a while to see how I was accepted. He didn’t really want to, but he agreed that it might be best.”

“Do you feel like you were accepted?”

“Oh, yes. II knew it when a football player, Ken Hayden asked me to steady!”

“He did know the whole story when he asked you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Did you ever consider he might not be serious?”

“Yes, until the shooting.”

“Why did the shooting change things?”

“It was Ken Hayden, and he’s the one who saved my life.”

“How did he save your life?”

“He fell on top of me and covered me while he was shot in the back three times.”

“Wow! What a brave young man. Have you talked to him since?”

“I visited him in the hospital. He said he’s gonna call me when he gets home so I can visit him there.”

“You know, just looking at you and talking with you … it impossible for me to believe you’re a boy!”

“Thank you.”

“That’s all the time we have right now, but let’s talk again, OK?”

“Ok.”

“Now, Principal Hammond has told me he wants to talk to you after our interview.”

“Uh oh.”

“I know he hasn’t been that nice to you in the past, but listen to what he has to say, OK?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I left that interview and was escorted into Principal Hammond’s office. “Well, Chrissy, things have changed a lot!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Things have changed more than you know. First of all, let me express my condolences about the death of your friend, Jody. It’s tough losing someone, but at your age, it’s much worse.”

“Thank you, sir.” I was waiting for the punch line. Surely an insult was coming. I must have punishment coming for some infraction.

“You know, the protest about the shorts and that whole mess, I would like to put that whole mess behind us. Do you think we can do that?”

“I can, sir.”

“Good. Now, I’ve been doing a lot of research about your condition.” He waved his hand toward my clothing. “It’s all very interesting. Are you seeing a counselor?”

“Yes, my mom takes me to see someone.”

“So, you’re serious about this.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, with all my reading and research, I’ve come to understand that this is a real condition and not just playing ‘dress up’. I want you to know you have my full support. I will not tolerate any harassment or bullying that might come as a result of this. Continue to use whatever restroom you’ve been using because no one has complained. As for P.E., just continue going to the library during your P.E. time.”

I sat stunned for a few seconds. “Uh, thank you, sir.”

“I’d like to set something up for you. You can say ‘no’ and I will understand completely. I would like to call all the students together. I will introduce you, then, I would like for you to address the student body about what you’ve been through, about your relationship with Jody, and about your plans for the future. Write out a speech so that I can look at it beforehand. I will also let you review what I’m going to say. What do you think?”

“Tell them about my gender change?”

“It will be difficult, I know, but I think it’s best to get it out into the open. If you try to keep quiet about something like this, the rumors that fly get exaggerated to something outrageous.”

“I’ll try to write something.”

“If you need some help, I’ll get one of the journalism students to help you. You can choose who you want to help you from a list of volunteers, or you can get someone else to help you.”

“Thank you.”

“Any questions?”

“No, sir.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Uh … what do you mean?”

“Well, with the way things have gone between us recently, surely you must be wondering why I seem to have had a ‘change of heart’. I know that I would be wondering about that if I were you. Aren’t you wondering about that?”

“Well, yes sir.”

“Ok, I’m sure a lot of people would tell me I shouldn’t talk about this to a student, but you’re actually very mature emotionally and mentally. Physically is another thing, but that’s not important right now. The shooting incident has caused me to do some soul searching. I heard about the bravery of Ken Hayden and that touched me greatly. He’s not a dumb jock, but a caring and fearless individual. Then, I overheard what John Cameron said to you at Jody’s funeral and I was stunned that someone could be so heartless. I see those two people at opposite ends of what you might call the ‘Character Spectrum’. If I compare myself to those two people, I realize that the way I have acted since I’ve been principal here has been closer on the spectrum to John Cameron with his heartlessness, rather than Ken Hayden with his selflessness and bravery.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. When I was younger, I was determined I would grow up to be the best person I could be. I would be brave, caring, generous … all the positive things a man can be. In high school, I became associated with guys who cared little about those types of things and I moved more toward their way of thinking. Then, I got into the school district bureaucracy, where those good personality traits are not appreciated and not rewarded. I adapted a way of thinking that would help me to advance in this environment, and I have had some degree of success, but at the price of my family, my friends, and my own self-esteem. Now, we all know we’re on this earth for a limited time, but Jody’s death brought into focus for me the fact that any one of us can go any time. We really don’t have a promise that we will live to old age. When I go, I don’t want to leave a trail of broken promises, broken hearts, and anger. I would like for people to say about me simply, ‘He was a good man.’ That sounds corny, I know, but I’ve decided to get back on track and be the man I should be and I intend to start now.

“Your case is the perfect way to start. I studied quite a lot of psychology while I was in college. I know a bit about your issue, and I know it is real. Knowing all this, it would be very unprofessional of me to refuse to help you, or any student under my care. Are you willing to let me help you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Thank you. This is going to be tough, I know, but I would like for you to write a speech you can give to the student body to explain what’s going on. Drop the speech in my mail slot when you’re done with it, OK?”

“Ok. Yes, sir.”

“Good! Now, remember … if you decide you can’t write this, I can get you some help, or you can decide not to do it at all. Go back to class for now, and have a good day.”

“You too, sir.”

“One more thing; you can tell any other students about this conversation if you wish. I would rather you not say anything, because I would like for my future actions to speak for themselves.”

“Not a word, sir.”

“Thank you! Also, I’m having an air conditioning repairman come in to see if we can be cooler in the whole school.”

“Wow! Thanks!”

“Bye for now. Keep those grades up!”

“I will!”

To say I was stunned is a huge understatement. I would have to think about this for a very long time. I didn’t doubt that he was sincere, so no issue there. What would I say to the student body? I would certainly talk about Jody, but I wouldn’t do that with getting his mom’s approval of my speech. To me, her approval was more important than that of the principal.

In the past, I would have gone straight to Jody with something like this. Would I have told Jody, despite my promise to not tell? I don’t think so, because he wouldn’t pressure me if he knew I was keeping a confidence. It would be difficult for both of us because I would be dying to tell and he would be dying to know. Oh, wow! Now I hate it because I used the word “dying” in reference to Jody. It’s just a figure of speech, though. The thing is, I didn’t have anyone to not tell. Jody had been my friend. Jody was the one I loved. Jody was my confidante. Jody was my sounding board. Jody was my guide. Jody was my protector. Jody was my everything.

I drifted through the rest of the school day thinking more about what the principal said. Whatever was covered in classes were things I guess I’ll never learn. I realized it was ironic that Jody would never know the effect he had on Principal Hammond, and there’s no way he could have ever enjoyed the effects of our “new” principal because his death was the cause. Of course, I would gladly have the old principal back if it meant having Jody back, too.

The school day I thought was endless actually ended. I trudged home thinking about what, if anything, I would say to the student body. It was an unusual time. Everyone’s feelings were near the surface and they would be more receptive to the type of thing I would be saying. I arrived home, where Claire was still recuperating. I tapped lightly on her bedroom door.

“Come in.”

“How are you?”

“Chrissy, I think I’m gonna go crazy lying here all day!”

“Claire, I need help.”

Claire smiled. “You’re already seeing a psychiatrist!”

“Principal Hammond wants to assemble everyone in school and have me tell them about my decision to get a sex change.”

“That asshole!”

“Wait, Claire. It’s not like that. He thinks if I come right out and tell everyone it will stop rumors from getting started. He also thinks most of the students will support me.”

“Well … what do you think?”

“I think it’s possible.”

“What’s happened to Hammond?”

“I don’t know! He was actually nice to me!”

“That’s when you need to watch your back! By the way, that dress really looks nice on you.”

“Thank you.” I struck a sexy pose for just a second. “I need to write a speech to give. I for sure don’t want to go in front of everyone without something written out.”

“Good idea. I would help you, but you’re a better writer than I am.”

“I’ll give it a shot. Hammond wants to read it, but I’d like for you to be the first to read it.”

“Aww, thanks. How are you … otherwise?”

“I just can’t believe it. I miss Jody so much. During the day I catch myself thinking about something and say, ‘I’m gonna tell Jody …’, then it hits me all over again.”

“I know I think about him a lot. Are you eating? You look like you’re losing weight.”

“I’m not eating much. I don’t feel hungry.”

“Be careful. Make yourself eat if you have to.”

“OK. I’m gonna write my speech and bring it to you, OK?”

“OK. I love your writing anyway.”

“Thanks.”

I struggled with the speech for two hours. When my mom came home, I told her about the whole situation. She didn’t trust Hammond and told me to watch myself. I told her I would. After hours of writing and rewriting, I came up with what I hoped would be my final draft. It was extremely personal stuff to be sharing with the entire student body, but I hoped to make them understand what I was doing and why. I took it to my mom, who edited it to be what I think is an extremely well-written communication. After her edits, she printed it out in a big font to make it easy to read under less than optimal conditions.

The next day, I dropped a copy of the speech off with Jody’s mom. I explained to her that the whole school would hear it, and I would make any changes she wished for me to make. I told her I would leave Jody out completely if she wanted me too. She agreed to read it, and I told her I would stop by her house after school to see how she felt about it.

I also checked with Ken and got his permission to mention his courageous actions during the crisis.

After school, I knocked on Mrs. Cameron’s door. I could tell she had been crying. “Mrs. Cameron, I can make any changes or leave Jody out completely. Just tell me what the problem ….”

“Chrissy, I’ve read this over and over and it’s just so sweet! Don’t change one word! I will be honored for you to give this speech to the school. I’m sure Jody would feel the same way!”

“Oh, thank you!”

“Thank you for being such a good friend to Jody! He was so lucky to have you!”

“I was lucky to have him. I’m kinda lost without him.”

“I know. Everything in this house reminds me of Jody. I’m seriously thinking of moving. I don’t know if I can stay here. Look, you can stop by here any time. We can have lemon pie and just talk. We can talk about Jody, but we don’t have to just talk about him. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.”

“I’ll do that, Mrs. Cameron. If you want me to, I can ask the principal if you can come listen to my speech.”

“No. Don’t go to the trouble. People would wonder who the old lady in the back boo-hooing was. Can I keep this copy?”

“Sure! I can print out as many copies as I need.”

“Thank you, Chrissy. You’re a sweet, beautiful girl.”

As I walked home, I wondered how Mrs. Cameron dealt with the loneliness. It had to be tough living alone after having Cameron for 17 years. It made me sad just thinking about it.

Claire was home when I got there, but I went straight to my and plopped across my bed. I was near tears as loneliness weighed heavily on me. Hopelessness added to the weight. My sweetheart … my lover was just a memory. He could not be replaced. I even felt a little guilty because Mrs. Cameron must have it ten times worse.

There was a light rap on my bedroom door. “Come in, Claire.”

“You OK, sister?”

“I’m OK, Claire. I’m just so sad!”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help.”

“Thanks, but there’s no help for me.”

“Can I read your speech?”

“Yeah, there’s a copy on my dresser.”

“Cool!” She grabbed the papers and went to her room.

I dropped my speech off at the principal’s off first thing the next morning. Later in the morning, the principal got on the loudspeaker and announce to the whole school that the entire student body was to meet in the school auditorium for a special program at 1PM. I started sweating, but no one seemed to notice. I was one of a few people aware of the topic of the special program. The principal sent a note to my third-period class to come to the office immediately after I had lunch. It was the first time I had ever had a summons to the principal’s office without knowing I was in trouble.

So, I had lunch and headed to the principal’s office.

“Chrissy, this is an excellent speech. Did you write it?”

“Yes sir, I wrote it, but my mom edited it and printed it out.”

“Well, it’s very well written.” He handed me a one-page computer printout. “This is what I’ll be saying. You’ll find it’s just an introduction for you. It’s your show.”

“Thank you.”

“Come with me.”

I followed the principal to the stage door of the auditorium. The curtains were closed and we went onto the stage. There were chairs set up for just the principal and me, so we sat and waited. We could hear the students noisily entering the auditorium. The several minutes we waited seemed like an hour. Finally, the curtain opened and Principal Hammond went to the microphone to light applause. He did his introduction, and it was now “my show”. I was in the spotlight; somewhere I never had a desire to be. I began reading my speech. Being an excellent reader as well as writer, it was surprisingly easy despite it being my first time before such a large audience. Rather than just read the words, I thought about what I was saying because I wanted the emotion to get through to the audience to try to elicit empathy. To have them feel what it’s like to be me, to go through my pain and confusion. I always thought I had a latent acting ability so this was my chance to try it out.

“Fellow Students, School Staff, and Faculty:

“As you all know, our school recently endured a tragedy. First of all, I would like to tell everyone here that there is a hero here among you today. During the shooting, Ken Hayden fell on top of me and shielded me as he took three bullets in the back. Had he not been there, I most likely would have been killed. As it turned out, the only pain and suffering I had first-hand was being crushed by over two-hundred pounds of football player. Ken, I know I didn’t tell you I was going to do this, but your actions were so heroic … so above and beyond what I could have ever expected, that I would like you to stand right now and let everyone show their appreciation for your courage.”

Ken stood, and the applause was substantial, but he looked a little embarrassed. Still, I thought I did the right thing by recognizing him.

The applause died down after a couple of minutes, and I continued. “Several people were injured and one person was killed. The person who died was my very best friend, Jody Cameron. Principal Hammond has asked me to share some things about Jody and his life, as well as aspects of my personal life. Hopefully, I can have everyone understand why I do some of the things I do; especially why I dress the way I dress."

There was some subdued chattering among the crowd members.

“Jody Cameron and I were best friends for four years. He was a lot bigger than I am, and I depended on him for a lot of things. He was a good listener, advisor, and friend. He filled in the blanks for me when I didn’t understand some things that went on at school and elsewhere. He always seemed to have an answer and that was perfect for someone who always seemed to have a question.

“As time went by our relationship outgrew the description ‘friend’ or even ‘best friend’. I moved from being his friend to being attracted to him. I wasn’t attracted in a sexual way. This may be difficult to understand, because usually ‘attraction’ means ‘sexual attraction’. I was attracted to him because of his goodness, his character, and the way he treated me. He actually treated me as if were a younger brother or sister, or even a girlfriend. This, of course, without the kissing, etc. that I’ve heard goes on between girlfriends and boyfriends.”

That got a bit of laughter from the crowd.

“I think he was attracted to me partially by a need to be needed. If you’ve ever experienced the positive feelings that can come after doing a good deed for someone who was in real need, then you understand. That’s why it’s said, ‘It’s better to give than to receive.’

“I knew Jody was struggling about his feelings, too. Neither of felt we were gay because we weren’t attracted to other boys … only each other. It wasn’t sexual attraction, we each enjoyed and benefitted from our relationship, we just weren’t able to define it, and we were both unable to talk about it.

“When the summer heatwave caused the school classrooms to be uncomfortably hot because the air conditioners weren’t able to keep up; Jody decided that the two of us should approach the school administration to ask if something could be done to make it a little more comfortable. During our talk with the principal, we complained that the girls could keep somewhat cool in dresses and skirts while the school’s dress code said the boys had to wear long pants. The principal jokingly asked if we wanted to wear skirts and dresses and actually said, in effect, ‘go ahead’. Jody and I took him up on his offer and arranged a protest with the boys borrowing clothes from the girls and wearing them to school to pressure the school administration to get a change in the school’s dress code.

“The school’s dress code did change, but it caused an even bigger, more personal change for Jody and me. I borrowed my sister’s dress for the protest and she put makeup on me. When Jody saw me, his eyes lit up and he inadvertently called me ‘babe’. Suddenly, I was not so confused but I could see that Jody was more conflicted than before. His best friend was now a pretty girl … or was she?

“What became clear to me was that I was not a boy attracted to another boy, but I was a girl, and other boys held no interest for me because I had found my true love.

“Let me say something that will not be news to anyone here. Girls and boys are different. Girls are attracted to a guy because of a number of factors; his personality, his strength, his intelligence, and his looks. Guys are attracted to girls by a number of factors also, but looks are by far the deciding factor. I already had all the qualifications of a lover for Jody except the one factor that is so critical to most people; gender. So, when someone for whom Jody had a strong friendship was suddenly a pretty girl … or appeared to be, he was conflicted. Suddenly, sexual attraction was added to the mix. Was he to ignore my looks and still be just friends or acknowledge that he was in love with someone who was once his best friend? Then, one night, he came by my house and brought me a gift of heart-shaped earrings. To me the shape of the earrings was symbolic. In his heart, he had resolved any conflicts about our relationship.

“We were both extremely happy, but we realized our relationship would not be acceptable to a lot of people and would subject us to a lot of harassment and bullying. So, we decided to just ‘split up’ until we felt we could be more open about the subject.

“Then came that horrible, chaotic day. Imagine my shock to find that the one fatality was my true love. It didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t. I still see Jody in the hall sometimes. I still think I hear his voice ... from where? Oh … I think it was over there. No … maybe …. Well, it couldn’t be. I will never hear his voice again. Think about someone you love and try to imagine the pain if you can. However you can imagine it … the pain is worse. His life and his death have affected dozens of people. I know one person, in particular, has been profoundly affected positively, but I have been sworn to secrecy by this person not to reveal his or her name.

“The mood around the school has been solemn recently. It won’t be long until things get back to some kind of normal. I’m hoping, however, that one thing will not get back to normal, and that’s the tendency of some in the school to disrespect anyone who for whatever reason doesn’t fit in their idea of normal. These trouble makers are few in number, but the disruption and pain they cause are well out of proportion with their numbers.

“Let us hold on to this feeling of harmony brought on by tragedy. Let us enjoy a new spirit of togetherness in Jody’s name. Everyone will benefit from this.

“Thank you for your attention and have a good afternoon.”

I turned to go back to my chair on stage next to the principal. As I sat, a few people applauded, followed quickly by a few others. People began standing, and the applause built quickly into a thunderous standing ovation. I was both stunned and clueless about what to do. Principal Hammond stood up and went to the microphone to wait for the room to get quiet.

I take it by your response that most of you agree with the things that Chrissy has said today. It would be easy to just go your way and forget what she has said. I hope you won’t do that. Please take Chrissy’s speech to heart, and together, we can bring a new philosophy of cooperation to this school. I’m going to dismiss you for the rest of the day. Think about all this, and come back tomorrow with that new philosophy. Have a good afternoon and see you tomorrow!

Everyone cheered for that, even though it was just a couple of extra hours of freedom. I got a lot of “thumbs up” and a lot of “good job” comments. I was exhausted from the stress of the speech. I thought about Ken. Why was I attracted to him? Denying my attraction was futile. When I visited him at the hospital, I got a feeling of warmth, support, and strength similar to what I had felt with Jody. Within myself, I never felt much strength or confidence. I wondered if I would go from depending on Jody to depending on Ken. I had never thought about it, but now I worried if I would always have to rely on someone. I know girls who are not dependent on someone like I am. My sister, Claire, is one example. Some people, boys or girls, seem to be born with self-confidence. But, for me, it was scary to think of not having someone bigger and stronger beside me. I realize that with a personality like mine, I would never make it as a man. After my speech at the school, maybe the worst was over, but there was no turning back regardless.