Chapter Forty

Week forty seven and there were only just over forty days left. I continued my surveillance of Justin and Sam worked with the lawyers to put together a case, where we sued each other for damages. It had to be believable enough to convince the court to control our assets until the matter was resolved.

I found that Justin had a fairly repetitive behaviour pattern. He was driven to his office every morning, leaving the house at nine. He always had a driver and what looked like a second bodyguard. The guards got out of the car before him and saw him into the building. Most days he had lunch, watched by his two guards, at a local Thai restaurant. Sometimes he would have a business guest with him for lunch. One day it was the chief inspector, who had been given the bribery case to look into in the first place. He was one of the police now under investigation. When I saw that, I decided to get a camera with a telephoto lense and photograph every visitor that Justin had. When Justin left his office, he went to the Kit Kat club, escorted by his two guards. He left the club at any time from nine in the evening to midnight. He generally left with a girl, never the same twice. On Saturday he went to watch Chelsea, arriving early and leaving late, so I assumed he must have a box. Sunday was spent at his home with the same comings and goings. I had watched him for a week and realized that it was unlikely that I would ever get him alone. My best chance would be when he was getting out of his car at the office.

All week I had been looking on the web for a way to get a gun. There seemed to be a number of options. One option was to buy a blank firing pistol, mail order, from the states, but I had no idea how to convert it and I would still need bullets. A second option was to trawl certain pubs in the shadier parts of London. A third option was to steal a gun from a gun club. A fourth option was to try to get hold of the shotgun of an acquaintance or friend. The fifth option was to find a contact who could supply.

The last option seemed the most likely. The only two people that I knew that had access to the shadier parts of society were one of Mike’s antique dealer friends and Kevin. Kevin was my first port of call. His reaction was that I was taking the piss. It took me a long time to convince him I was serious. I made him swear to tell no one, especially Sam. He finally took me seriously and said that he would see what he could do. It was ridiculous, Kevin was only just nineteen and he was the most connected person that I knew.

Week forty eight and less than thirty five days left. I continued my surveillance of Justin. His pattern was just the same. I had a meeting with Mike’s dodgy antique dealer and he was very cagey. He said that he might be able to give me the name of a contact. The following day I was told to go to a pub in Peckham and I would be met there. That evening I went to the pub at nine o clock as instructed. I was very, very nervous. I bought myself a drink and was approached by a very seedy looking young man who told me that my needs could be met. I would have to bring a thousand pounds as a good will gesture to another pub and hand it over to a contact there. If that went without a hitch I would be given further instructions and for a further fifteen hundred pounds I would be supplied with the required merchandise. The first meet was for Thursday night in a pub at the elephant and castle.

Thursday night and I was there with a thousand pounds in an envelope. I was approached by a guy who could have been no more than nineteen. I was told that I would be texted with the location and time for the delivery of the merchandise. All this time Sam had been quizzing me as to what I was up to. I had remained tight lipped.

On Friday morning I received a text, telling me to bring the fifteen hundred pounds, for a meet in the car park behind a different pub in Peckham. I drove there and parked in the car park. I was early, so I sat in the car and waited. Several other cars arrived after me and the occupants got out of all but two of them and went into the pub. One of the two cars that still had people in them had followed me into the car park. The other had arrived ten minutes after me. It was dark and the car park was poorly lit. I was extremely nervous.

The second car flashed its lights at me and two scrawny looking youngsters got out and beckoned towards me. I made sure that I had the pepper spray to hand just in case. Feeling extremely nervous, I got out and walked towards the two young men. They wore hoodies and baseball caps. I couldn’t see their faces.

“Have you got the money girly?”

“Have you got the merchandise?”

“Let us see the money first.”

“After you show me the merchandise.”

“Don’t be such a silly cow, give us the money.”

With that he drew a wicked looking knife from his sleeve and stepped toward me. I reacted instantly spraying his face. I was about to turn on his companion when he crashed to the ground under a large aggressive male. It was only when the youth was picked up and repeatedly punched that I realized that my companion was Mike. Whilst Mike punched his youth I kicked mine. They were soon, both curled up on the floor pleading with us to stop. I told them that they could go when they had handed over the gun. It was then that it was clear that they didn’t have a gun. They had never had a gun. They just wanted to scam me for money. It had seemed an easy touch. We searched them and their car. We found drugs and knives but no gun.

We gave each of our two yobs one last kick and left them.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Sam knew you were up to something but did not know what. She asked me to keep an eye on you and I have been tailing you for the last few days.”

“Were you at the pub last night?”

“Yes, I kept an eye out just to make sure you were safe. I knew you were up to something shady, but I never thought you were after a gun. You can borrow my shotgun if you want. I picked up a pair from a client ages ago at a knock down price.”

“Do you have a licence for them?”

“Of course.”

“Then there is no way I could use one. You would immediately become an accessory and would go to jail. There is no way that I would let you ruin your life and Liam’s any more. I have caused the pair of you more than enough damage already.”

We drove our separate ways back home. Liam was asleep in one of the spare rooms. Sam quizzed me over what I had been up to and I had to admit what I had done. It took a while for her anger to abate at my stupidity. Eventually she tired of berating me. Mike stopped over in one of the other spare rooms. Sam was still mad at me when we went to bed but I did get a cuddle and we did kiss and make up in the morning.

Sam and I spent Saturday with Mike, trying to think up options. I secretly thought that my solution of murdering Justin was still the only way. I knew that in my current state, prison would be very unpleasant, but I could see no other way out.

Mike came up with a brilliant idea that could save one of us. One of us could sack the other for gross misconduct. In that way we could legitimately end one employment contract. The sacked person would still be a director and owner but not an employee. I refused to leave Sam at Justin’s mercy so it had to be Sam that got sacked. We argued about it all day but in the end Sam realized that it would either be her that was saved or neither of us. Once Sam capitulated we went to look at the company’s disciplinary procedures. There were very few descriptions of gross misconduct listed. The most obvious was theft, but Sam could not steel what she already owned.

In the end we decided on the rule that wanton and deliberate destruction of valuable company property was gross misconduct. We then filmed Sam taking a sledge hammer to one of our valuable computers. We carefully backed everything up first. As soon as the deed was done I gave Sam a letter asking her to attend a disciplinary hearing on the Monday morning. In keeping with the terms of the disciplinary hearing, I invited Sam to bring representation with her to the meeting. She chose to bring our lawyer with her.

Chapter Forty One

Week forty nine and Sam briefed our lawyer before the disciplinary hearing as to what we were aiming to do. Our lawyer was delighted. She thought it was a brilliant solution for one of us to escape, she then went through what we had to do in the hearing to make sure it was legally watertight. The hearing was fun. We filmed and recorded the whole thing. It was one hell of a job keeping a straight face. In the end I dismissed Sam and informed her of her right to appeal my decision. The right of appeal was to the director who had not heard the disciplinary case, i.e. Sam, or to a third part selected by agreement between the directors and the dismissed person. We decided between us that the appeal be heard by our lawyer. Sam wrote asking for the appeal to be heard at the earliest opportunity, so we heard the appeal there and then. Our lawyer then duly turned down the appeal and I wrote a letter to Sam confirming the dismissal. It was brilliant. Neither of us could have resigned without the lengthy notice but the dismissal was instant. Sam was free.

I went back to watching Justin’s movements in the hope that I could find a chink. I still had the outside hope that Kevin could put me in touch with someone who could supply a gun. Justin’s movements were almost predictable. He was a creature of habit. If I could get a gun, I knew I would get a chance to kill him.

News from the police front was frustrating. The case against King-Smyth was strong, but the trial was still more than three months away. The defence lawyers had asked for and been given, more time to prepare their defence.

On the Thursday, I had a cryptic message from Kevin, he asked to meet. When we got together he told me that a contact of a contact of a contact had some interesting kit that was worth my investigation. He gave me a phone number and a code to give the person who answered. I phoned the number and gave the code. I was told to bring two thousand pounds cash to a car park in Croydon the following Tuesday. I had to be alone and sit in my car for half an hour before I would be approached.

At last I thought that this would be the answer to my prayers. I went back to my surveillance. I had decided that I would shoot Kevin as he went from his car to his office. I purchased a moped that was small enough to get through gaps in traffic and the narrow ally ways. I then searched out a route, to and from Justin’s office, that used as many narrow alleys, that a car could not navigate, as possible. I also looked for CCTV coverage. I wanted to find a way in and out where I could not be tracked. It took a lot of foot work, but I worked out a route.

I thought long and hard about whether I could kill a man. When I took into account what he had done to Sam, Liam, Mike and me, it was not a hard decision. I knew I could do it. Would I be able to survive in jail afterwards if I was caught? Well that was a different story. Time would tell. I had no choice. I was a dead man walking if I could not stop Justin.

My time with Sam was lovely. We still occasionally tried to made love as man and women, but it was getting almost impossible to sustain an erection Although Sam was very loving, I could tell that it was not an enjoyable experience for her. Our lesbian love making was becoming more skilled and more passionate and it was Sam’s preference, now. Sam’s horniness had subsided a little but her breasts were still very sensitive. There was now a noticeable bump. The twins were making their presence seen as well as felt. Sam had started wearing looser clothing to accommodate the bump.

Mike and Liam spent a lot of time with us. Liam had forgiven me a little for letting him down. He got on well with Sam and liked to take her on at computer games. I was delighted when I received an invitation from Liam to go to rugby with him again. Mike had healed enough now, to start full training. One more week and he would be playing again. It was strange having both Sam and Mike around so much of the time. Mike was very good and tried to take no liberties in front of Sam. He did occasionally pat my bum and, at other times, gave me a peck on the lips. Whenever I was close to him, I was very aware of him, his smell, his breath, his presence, and my heart rate would rise. I am a guy for god’s sake. I am heterosexual, I can’t get excited by a man. I am a happily married man. After careful thought, I believed, that it would be fairest to all concerned, if I ended all contact with Mike and Liam. I had to let them rebuild their lives. I would act as soon as I had finished with Justin.

On Sunday morning I helped coach the mini rugby and watched Liam play. Mike watched the game with his arm round me. I didn’t stop him. Liam scored a classy try and Mike swept me round and planted a big kiss on my lips. My mind screamed in protest that it should not be happening. My body responded and the kiss lasted a long time. When I surfaced, Mike had a big grin and Liam was giving me a funny look. I had to get out of this situation soon before it became more complicated.

We had a pleasant lunch before I went home to Sam

Chapter Forty Two

Week fifty and we informed the rest of the team that although Sam was still an owner of the company, she had resigned as a director and had been sacked as an employee. She was now freelance. Sam had the mischief to demand an extortionate rate for the work that she would do as a freelance. I instantly agreed.

Tuesday was spent making sure that my moped was fully functional. I practiced most of my route in and out on the bike. Tuesday night and I was parked waiting for my contact. After my previous experience, I was nervous and wary. I sat there for thirty minutes and all I saw were three people coming to pick up their cars. After another five minutes another pedestrian got into a car and left. Ten more minutes and I thought that it was time for me to leave. There was a knock on my window. A tall guy in a balaclava signaled to me to unlock my car. As soon as I did so he slipped into the passenger’s seat.

“Have you fired a pistol before?”

“Yes”

“A nine mil?”

“Yes”

“How accurate are you with a pistol?”

“Marksman”

“What range will you be from your target?”

“Five to eight yards”

“How strong are your wrists and arms? Grip my hand.”

After a short wrestle he grunted.

“This is a 9 mil browning. Once you have used it dismantle it down to its smallest components and throw them away singly as far apart as possible. There is one full magazine. Where is the money?”

I handed him the money and he handed me the gun. I drove home and hid the gun. That night I went on to the net to check out about using a browning pistol. I now had the means to end Justin.

On Wednesday I took the gun to a derelict barn, miles from London and tried firing one shot at an old beer bottle. The kick was worse than I remembered but the bottle shattered. I had hit it from about seven yards. I knew that I would be able to hit Justin from ten yards.

I decided that Friday would be the day. It gave me a chance to do another dummy run the following day, Thursday. That morning I waited on the moped for Justin to arrive. I waited till well past his normal arrival time and there was no sign of him. I went to his home and watched. No sign again. There was nothing for it but to abort, but I thought that I would still try to make the kill on the Friday. I stripped the gun and cleaned it, making sure it was in perfect order. I slept very little on Thursday night. Friday morning and I was out on the moped. The gun was tucked inside my leather top. I had practiced taking it out of my jacket and releasing the safety catch. My heart rate was up. The adrenaline was flowing, I was in a state of very heightened awareness of everything around me. The world seemed to be going in slow motion. I was ready.

He did not appear at his normal time. I waited for another twenty minutes but I was becoming conspicuous, waiting there. In the end I had to cut and run. As soon as I was away from the scene I was hit with a splitting headache and felt lousy. I had come a long way down from the adrenaline high.

I would have to go through it all again on Monday. Sam was relieved to see me home safe. I had not told her any of my plan, but I am fairly sure she had worked most of it out. She knew what Justin had done to me and could not condemn me.

Later, I contacted Justin’s office, pretending to be a potential customer, and asked if I could speak to him. They told me that he was not in the office. I asked when he would next be in the office and was told that he had been called out to Thailand at short notice and they did not know when he would be back. Was I going to be able to get to him in time? Time was running out.

I was still fidgety and agitated by the weekend. A visit with Sam for another pre natal check was a happy interlude but worry about my underlying problem would not let me rest.

On Saturday Sam, Liam and I went to watch Mike’s first game back. With Sam present, I did not get into any troubling situations with Mike. On Sunday Sam, Mike and I went to mini rugby with Liam. Mike was very sore after his game whilst Liam played and I helped the coaches. There had been some problems over my checks for a criminal past. I had to admit to the club that I was a pre op transsexual, I so hated giving myself that label. We had a happy afternoon the four of us together. I started getting the fidgets come the evening, for I knew that if Justin was back, I would be after him again.

Week fifty one and at ten on the Monday morning I contacted Justin’s office again. He was still in Thailand. Time was running out.

Later that morning Megan came to me with a look of glee on her face.

“Kevin has just called me. One of his contacts told him that Justin had been arrested when he got off the plane in Thailand. As far as Kevin could tell the madam, who ran Justin’s set up there, had been caught with a large stash of drugs. She could have faced the death penalty if found guilty. To get herself off the hook she offered up Justin and all the human trafficking. The police in Thailand, France, Germany, the USA and the UK are all delighted. Kevin thinks that it is Kosher info.”

Sam and I could not afford to let ourselves get too excited. We needed definite proof that Justin was indeed under arrest. We got in touch with our retired police friend and asked him if he could check for us. We also searched the Thai English news on the web. There was news of the arrest of an English gang leader and a picture that certainly looked a lot like Justin. Kevin phoned again and said that he had checked with his security contacts and they were very happy that the Thai Madam was singing like a bird. The information that they have got already has opened up drug, prostitution, people trafficking and money laundering cases in at least five countries. Justin is in a Thai jail and if he ever gets out, there are warrants for his arrest in four more countries.

Three days later we had the news from our retired policeman. King-Smyth had done a deal with the local police fingering Justin for the bribe. Now that Justin was safely behind bars, he was no longer terrified.

We were home free. The relief was physical. I had to go and hide from everyone and I wept for an hour. We declared Friday to be a holiday and invited all the team and every person, who had helped, in for a celebration. We purchased cases of champagne and lots of good food. Sam was very good and stuck to soft drinks but I got legless. Mike helped Sam get me upstairs to bed and I have no memory of how the day ended. Apparently I had spent the last part of the evening complaining that I would not be able to shoot Justin now. People thought I was hilarious, little did they know.

Saturday I awoke with a serious hangover. My first thought was of the gun that was in my possession. My task for the day was to dismantle the gun and find a series of places to dispose of it, one part in each place. Sam drove and we visited every stretch of water that we could think of. At each location a single part or shell was hurled into the water. It was like a scattering of the ashes at the death of a problem. When the final piece was disposed of we hugged and kissed.

When we got home we just sat with our arms around each other and cuddled.

“Sam, you realise that I don’t have to wear women’s clothes any more. I don’t have to pretend to be a woman any more. I can start returning to being Tom.”

“Jen, you could have started returning to be Tom as soon as we knew that Justin had called us on your intended wedding to Mike, that was five weeks ago. You could have been changing back to Tom since then. You didn’t think about it, you just carried on as Jen. Why do you think you carried on?”

“It just seemed normal, it never crossed my mind. I had much more important things to worry about.”

“Do you really want to go back to being Tom?”

“Of course I do, I want to be a good husband to you and a father to our children.”

“I’m not sure it is that clear. There is probably no way back to being the old Tom. You have become very comfortable and natural as Jen. I love you as Jen, you are a wonderful person. If you want to go back to being Tom, you will need a double mastectomy and a heavy load of testosterone supplement. The testosterone could well make you grumpy and aggressive. I doubt if you will ever grow a beard again and you will be a very pretty man, unless I decide to break your nose and you get some facial surgery done. Your hips have widened and you have a feminine shape. I know that it is a sore topic but your once proud member is only a shadow of what it was. I don’t think there is any way fully back to Tom. What you will be is a Jom or a Ten. I think that, at best, it would take a very long time for you to get anywhere close to being even partially Tom. “

“I am not sure what you are saying to me.”

“What I am saying is that I loved the old Tom with a passion. I love Jen also with a passion and I am sure that I would love the new Tom, or a mixture of Tom and Jen. Do not rule anything out. Talk to the research team about how they think your body will react. Talk to the psychologist. Talk to anyone and everyone who you think can advise you. I think that you have three main options. One is to stay as you are and we will be able to enjoy the pleasure of your cock as well as the pleasures of our lesbian relationship. You can get back to being as close to the old Tom as you are able or you can go all the way and have the complete re assignment surgery.”

“Why would I want to take the last option?”

“So that you can become a complete woman. You have been a very successful nearly complete woman. I have watched you, enviously, with Mike and there is certainly a heterosexual woman in there as well as everything else. At some stage Jen may want to be with a man or at least have sex with one. I will fight to keep you, but if that happened I would have to let you go. I would still have the children. I think your personality and view of the world has changed. I know you never wanted it in the first place and I know your learning and your experience has been painful but Jen is a real person. I am not sure that you will be happy saying goodbye to her. I will stay with you whatever you decide. We are where we are. We can not turn the clock back. We start from where we are, no regrets.”

“Which option would you like me to take?”

“I am not going to say. It must be your choice. I can live and be happy with any choice you make.”

I had never at any stage considered a complete transition. Sam was right I needed to think, I needed advice and I needed hard facts about where I was. Until I decided what to do, I would stay as Jen.

Chapter Forty Three

It was week one of the rest of our lives. I arranged to meet with the Cambridge research team, my psychologist, Rose, Mike, my parents, Megan, Jackie, Tim and Martin.

Martin was lovely. He never knew me as Tom. His opinion was that Jen was a feisty lady, somewhat more direct and lacking in bullshit than one would expect from a lady. Jen was good looking rather than pretty and was certainly not a whimpering girly girl. Jen was fun to be around, kind, thoughtful and a joy to work with. He reckoned that Tom would have to be something special to beat Jen. Could he imagine me as Tom? Well frankly, no.

Megan, Jackie and Tim all said that they missed Tom, but on balance, they liked Jen more. They said that since I had become Jen, I had lost none of the things that they liked about Tom and had gained a lot in sensitivity and empathy with others. They said that I had lost nothing in drive or energy. They thought that the best change was that I was now assertive rather than aggressive. I was more subtle and inclusive. On balance, they preferred working with Jen.

My parents were strange. I was sure that they would want their son back. Mom was very clear, she said that much as she loved Tom, she had been able to connect much more directly with Jen. If I went back to being Tom, she hoped that she would not lose that closeness. Dad got himself comfortable on the fence and would not be budged. He said that he loved both Tom and Jen and would not make any choices.

My conversations with Rose were interesting. She asked me so many questions. What did I feel when I made love to Sam as Jen? How did I feel making love now as Tom? How comfortable was I in women’s clothes? How did I feel when men looked at me? How did I feel about my boobs? Did I enjoy the pleasure that they gave me? What were orgasms like as Jen? How did I feel when Mike kissed me? How would I feel about being a physically and sexually diminished Tom? How would I feel as a male knowing that I had no balls and needed to rely on testosterone supplements the rest of my life? How would I cope with being less of a man’s man? Now that I had lived as a woman, what were the advantages and disadvantages? If I had had a vagina would I have slept with Mike? Was I worried that I would lose Sam if I stayed as Jen? Was I worried that I would lose Sam if I returned to being a reduced Tom? Did I enjoy the increased understanding I had of what people were feeling and thinking? Did I enjoy looking sexy and turning heads? Was I still heterosexual as a man, heterosexual as a woman or bisexual as either or just totally confused? Did I want to be a mum or a dad? Rose told me that I was lucky because I had an easier choice. When she had transitioned, she had to say goodbye to all her old life and start again alone. She still had times of loneliness. I was lucky. I could choose either route without suffering great loss.

The questions kept coming. In truth, I had resigned myself to being a woman in the last few months and I had given up hope of returning to be a man. I had learned to live with myself as Jen and as soon as I had stopped fighting it, I had been comfortable being Jen. I had not thought about the strange life I was leading towards the end. It was just my life and I was comfortable living it.

The Psychologist was as much use as a chocolate teapot.

The Cambridge research team was the most illuminating. They certainly did not want to lose me. The data that they had collected, so far, would give them enough for publication, but it was very far from over. If I chose to try to return to living as a male, it would give them more data. If I chose to transition fully, it would give them more data. The key to their research was to try to find out why I was so different to a typical xxxy person. Why did my XYxx with incomplete extra x’s result in such a different outcome. They were very happy, whichever outcome I chose. They did warn me that my hormone induced female puberty was much more fundamental than was normal in male to female transitions. My pelvis had altered shape quite noticeably. They had never come across a case where a person who had gone through male puberty, had also gone through such a full female puberty. They had identified that I had tissue that was acting a bit like pseudo ovaries and producing estrogen. My breast growth had been very fast and now, after only a year, I was a very full B cup. The way my body fat had redistributed was completely female pattern. It was obvious that I had made strenuous efforts to keep fit and toned. I now had the body and shape of a fit young woman with one exception. I still had a penis and no vagina or womb. My body had convinced itself that it was female. If I stopped taking estrogen supplements my body would still be producing a background level of estrogen that would maintain my female shape. I would cease to develop further. If I wanted to revert to a male, then the source of the estrogen would have to be identified and removed.

They warned me that the shrinkage of my penis would not be reversed. The rate of shrinkage had been much faster than they would have expected. Even with a testosterone supplement, I would now need chemical help to maintain anything like a satisfactory erection.

Whatever my choice of action was, they would support me in return for research access. Their assessment was that if I had gender reassignment surgery, then I would function very well as a woman. I would be a prime candidate for a womb transplant. With a well constructed vagina and a transplanted womb it would be probable that I could give birth naturally, because of the development of my pelvis. Womb transplants had already taken place successfully and as I was already the subject of research my chances of becoming a recipient were very slim but higher than the general population. Without the womb I would still be able to function quite normally in every way apart from conceiving. I would even be able to breast feed, with minor adjustments in my hormone intake.

If I chose to revert to male, I would be able to function normally emotionally and mentally but I would be handicapped sexually. Physically I would remain with a pelvis that was more female than male and unless they were able to identify the source of the estrogen I would retain a tendency toward female fat distribution. It was unlikely that I would return to my previous levels of physical strength and I would continue to look quite feminine.

If I chose to stay as I was then no problem except that my penis would continue to decline in function and size. They could see no sense in keeping what was likely to become useless. They considered it far better for me if I had a functioning vagina. All they really wanted was continued research access.

Mike was funny. He told me that he had thought that I was a great guy as Tom and a damn good scrum half. He thought that Jen was a much nicer person and that he would hate to lose her out of his life. He thought that he was probably still in love with Jen but respected that Jen was married to and in love with Sam. He thought that Jen loved him at least a little and any time Jen wanted a kiss, a cuddle, or more, he would be delighted to oblige. If Jen decided to convert fully to a female, he would live in hope that one day she would let him make love to her. If Jen ever got her own womb, he would love to make babies with her.

At least that was honest. I was not sure that it was fair to allow Mike to believe that he still had a chance with me. I did have strong feelings about him. The idea of having full vaginal sex with him certainly did not repulse me. Quite the opposite, it started butterflies in my stomach.

Mike’s killer blow was to say that Liam loved his aunt Jen and still had dreams of her being his mum.

When I sat and mulled over all the input it left me confused. I could not deny that I was comfortable as Jen. I had got used to it. It wasn’t that it thrilled me or excited me. It didn’t give me a special buzz or fulfill some hidden need. It was just normal. I could just live it without thinking about it most of the time. It was only when I was sexually interested or aroused that it became an issue. I knew that I was capable of living life as Jen. I wasn’t sure that I could become a modified Tom and be happy. My basic conditioning was telling me that I should revert to Tom. Both reason and my heart were telling me that Jen was probably the better option.

When I sat and thought about it, my old todger was no longer my friend. Back in the good old days of being Tom, my todger had been a source of pride as well as pleasure. I had known that mine was bigger and better than the average. Now it was more a source of shame and anxiety. My balls had gone, I could not get a reliable erection and when I did, it was nothing to write home about. It was no longer my friend. I was ashamed of it and I sometimes thought that it would be better if it had gone completely.

Emotionally I just wanted to turn the clock back to where Sam and I were before all this started. That was definitely what I wanted. I wanted to be the stud, the fearless scrum half, the macho alpha man, respected by all. I wanted to go back to being Sam’s perfect man, her perfect lover. I wanted to be back amongst the lads on a Saturday boasting about the game. I wanted to go back to being in ignorance of how people were really feeling. I wanted to loose the empathy and understanding. I wanted to lose the knowledge of how a woman felt when a hunky man caressed her. I wanted to unlearn the vulnerability and fear that a woman can feel. I wanted to forget the feeling of physical attraction to a man. I knew in my heart all of that was gone.

All of that knowledge would stay with me.

In the end I went back to Sam and asked her for her opinion.

“My fondest wish would be to turn the clock back to the way we were a year ago. That is not possible and we both know it. We can only start from where we are. I hate what Justin has done to us but we are where we are. We have each other and the twins are on the way. We still have our health and our business. We are very lucky, possibly luckier than we deserve, given that stupid wager.

If I look at it from your point of view I think that you would always be frustrated if you returned to Tom. Everything that you have lost would haunt you. The difference would be a constant reminder. I think it would make you bitter. If you decided to stay as Jen, it would be an adventure with new things to discover and experience. You would be moving forward not backwards. You make a pretty interesting woman and I think you will enjoy seeing where it takes you. If you decide to stay as Jen I would recommend that you go all the way. Treat it as an adventure and become complete as Jen rather than an incomplete Tom. Indulge your femininity, let yourself be girly when you want to, be raunchy, sexy, flirty when you want to, have fun. I think you will enjoy the ride now that you have choice rather than being forced. You are an adventurer, enjoy the adventure.

From my view point, the essential you will be there whatever. I am happy to live with a revised Tom. He would be a great dad to the twins and all the rest of the children. I would also be happy to live with Jen. I love Jen dearly and I know she would continue to grow as an exceptional woman. I would love to be along for the ride as she grows. I think if you stayed as Jen without going the whole way, then I would find it a little uncomfortable in time. If you went the whole way I think you will make a great mum and a wonderful lesbian lover. I have thoughts about many things we could try together. I know that if we go down that route I am probably going to need a man from time to time. I know I have heterosexual needs. I am also sure that if you go the whole hog you will need to explore. You will not be able to resist finding out all about being a woman. Even knowing that, and the risk that I could lose you I think the right answer is Jen.”

I though about my choices, for quite a long time, before deciding on the course that I should take. What did I want? I now enjoyed the dressing up. I enjoyed that I had a figure that looked pretty good. I enjoyed the attention. I liked it when men found me attractive. I loved the soft and sexy clothes. I enjoyed making my face look beautiful. I enjoyed being pampered. I was intrigued about the thought of being made love to by a man. The idea of breast feeding our twins gave me a tingle. I liked that I was now lithe and supple instead of chunky. I had grown to love my boobs, even though they could be a nuisance at times. I enjoyed my contact with women and the closeness and empathy that I could feel. I even enjoyed the release of a good cry.

On the down side there was the loss of my old life, my friends, raunchy sex with Sam. There was the uncertainty of how Sam and my relationship would unfold. Sam had a strong heterosexual drive and I knew now that I could find a man attractive. So much uncertainty.

My choice was hard but, after a lot of talking, Sam and I made it before Christmas. We now had the excuse to shop like idiots. I applied to change my name legally to Jenifer Mary Young. I was now officially on my way. My surgery was due at the start of February and the twins were due in April. I planned it so that I would be healed in time to deal with the baby invasion. Liam spent almost as much time at our place as he did at home. Mike’s fan club of Sam, Liam and I would watch him play on Saturday and Liam’s fan club of Sam, Mike and I would watch Liam on Sunday. It confused the parents and supporters when I would be holding Sam’s hand one minute and Mike’s the next. It caused further confusion when I kissed both on the lips. I encouraged Mike to get himself a girlfriend but he was reluctant. We had become an extended family. Sam was by now getting quite big. Those who did not know our background assumed Mike was the father to be.

With Christmas over I had the opportunity to have an earlier date for the op. On the twentieth of January I spent my last day in the company of my cock. The following day I was operated on. The pain and discomfort was far greater than I had anticipated. I was in hospital for a week before I was allowed home. In less than fifteen months I had gone from being a full blooded male to being an official woman. I had travelled a very long way. It was a strange experience having my old man gone. In truth he had been slowly departing for a long time. Now that I had an inny instead of an outy, I felt as if I had been reborn. I was now a woman and Sam and I were on a new adventure.

I changed my legal status as soon as possible and Sam and I are now married as wife and wife. The process of dilating was uncomfortable to start with but it became more and more pleasant as time went on. Sam named the small one baby bear, the next one daddy bear, the third one Mike and the biggest one Danny. I was pain free after about four weeks except that sitting was still uncomfortable. I had my first wonderful clitoral orgasm after five weeks and, after Sam introduced me to Desperate Danny, her large vibrator, I had my first vaginal orgasm, wow. I was one of the very lucky ones who had sensitivity in their vagina as well as the clitoris after SRS. If what I experienced was normal, then women have it good.

It was strange that once my cock had gone, I did not regret its passing. I had fallen out of love with it. It had become a cause of anxiety and sadness rather than pleasure. My new equipment was so different and it was exciting to explore and experiment. It also felt right to complete the acceptance of my new life as a woman.

I was almost fully recovered when the twins were born. They were two beautiful boys. One was named James after Sam’s dad and the other was named Thomas. I had asked the doc to alter my hormone balance and the two of us breast fed the twins. What a gloriously intimate feeling that is. It is such a joy to be able to feed your child with your own body.

Epilogue

Sam and I are still together and we are blissfully happy. The twins are now six and are about to start mini rugby. They have two younger sisters, Megan who is four and little Patricia who is two. I breast fed both and the connection with them is wonderful. We ran out of my sperm after that, so four should be the end. The children are happy and healthy and they all love Liam who is now a very mature sixteen year old. Liam baby sits for us and is starting to show signs of being a good analyst programmer. I suspect he will go into engineering in the end.

I still coach the mini rugby, helped by Liam and Mike. Mike is playing vets rugby now but is still in very good shape. The business has grown considerably. Martin has retired again, but acts as a non executive director on the board. Megan, Tim and Jackie are still with us, each leading their own team. Tim and Jackie finally married.

I get to play rugby again. I had to wait two years after my SRS before I was eligible but it was worth the wait. I am now one of the taller members of the team, instead of being the shortarse. I play any where they want me, fly half, centre or back row. At under 10 stone I am a bit light for the back row. My strength is much less than it was as a man, but my speed and elusiveness are greater. Women’s rugby is quite different, there is a type of intensity that is far distant from the grunts of the old props and second row I used to play with.

Sam is my fiercest supporter and is on the touchline each game. Player’s partners are a mix of male and female. Most of the girls are very heterosexual. Not that many people seem to remember Tom. He was a good guy while he lasted but he has faded away.

Sam was absolutely right about my need to explore sex with a man. As you probably guessed, my first time was with Mike and it was mind blowing. If I had known what it was going to be like I think I would have transitioned sooner. Sex with Sam is great and we have an extensive collection of toys. It is wonderful how inventive you can become with the right incentive. Sam and I make love, but we both have sex with men from time to time.

I now understand why Sam needed sex with a man. Being fucked by a well endowed hunk, who is a skilled lover, is so much more than having sex as a man. I love the feeling of being possessed and filled. If it had not been for the horrors that Justin put us through, I would never have known that pleasure.

I have become much more girly now and actually enjoy the fashion and the shopping. I have become a natural at the make up. I love sexy lingerie. Sam has become the one who sorts out the banking and the technical stuff. I tend to do more of the mumsy stuff, though the split is still pretty even. As I said before, I am still slim at comfortably under 10 stone. My pelvis developed a bit more width and my bust ended up at a C cup, which gives me a much more balanced look for my height. I now look like an athletic woman of a little above average height. I have kept my hair shortish and still go for kick ass styles. My shoulders are slightly broad for a woman, but when I wear a backless dress they look great. My bust is still new enough that it is firm and pert and I love to show off my cleavage. We still go on naturist holidays and I am very comfortable and proud of how I look. My only draw back is that my large nipples signal what I am thinking far too quickly, much to my occasional embarrassment.

Sam and I get competitive when we go out as to who can look hotter. If anything, I am a worse flirt than Sam. When we assess men for fuck, marry, friend or ignore, our decisions are quite close now. I tend to check out attractive men and an assessment of their endowment is part of it. Size is not everything but it is something.

I am ashamed to admit that we did discuss having a threesome with a hunky male where we could both get a good rodgering together. We even got to the stage of selecting a man and inviting him into our bed, but the whole thing was so ridiculous that we could not stop laughing and the poor man left confused and very frustrated.

The naughtiest we have been was to double date and each book a room in the same hotel with our dates, it was fun and satisfying to know that we were both scratching an itch at the same time.

We both know that we need a man from time to time for a good rodgering. Sam’s preferred partner was Danny until he astonished us all by getting married. My preferred partner was Mike. Mike has now got a long term girlfriend at last, thank goodness. His partner Eileen has become one of the extended family. Liam thinks she is great. Sam and I still have our scratching posts for whenever we have an itch. We do not deny ourselves pleasure and fulfillment, but we remain totally committed to each other and still deeply in love.

We still have girl’s nights out with the crowd about twice a year and our behaviour has not improved as we have got older.

Justin is in a Thai jail and will be for a long, long time. I heard that King- Smyth only served just over a year.

How do I feel about being a woman now?

I have great memories of being Tom. I really enjoyed everything about being him, he was a good guy. I miss my old sex life with Sam. I miss the simplicity of life as a male. You have to make so few decisions about your appearance. I miss the fact that guys automatically took me seriously and didn’t spend their time fixated on my bust. But life is good now. I still have Tom’s drive and his zest for life. I love to dress up now and make men’s heads turn and God do I love a good, uncomplicated, physical fuck every now and again. Given the right man it can be mind blowing.

Do we ever gamble now? What do you think? Are we happy? Yes. Any regrets? Not that I can think of.

THE END (for now)

I would like to give a huge thank you to everyone who has ploughed all the way through my story. I know that the original premise was a little far fetched, but I wanted to have my lead character taken kicking and screaming down the path to femininity and to find out on the way that, they had not only coped, but actually enjoyed the journey in the end.

A special thank you to all those who left comments, I found them very supportive.

There are a few more stories at various stages, but none ready to go. I am working on a detective story, where the policeman hero has to go under cover as a cross dresser.

Cheers
Annie xxx