I am confident of the future, no matter how it turns out. I made plans that were impossible to carry out, or at least at the times I was thinking about them. I wanted a nice house, maybe made with some advanced materials with a pool, a game room and perhaps a quaint little study. Failing at that, a small dwelling for two, only to have to move to something larger as two became three or more. Sure, I thought of that.
I also thought only the happy moments while I was with Sam. Yes, the great divide of living eight miles away from her and going to different schools got to me. I tried to let it go but I was young with my head in the clouds, my heart right on my sleeve and my self-doubt taking front and center in the limelight. He was so good at his performance that I allowed everything to fail. I wished for her to move away from me, again. The feeling that she could be saved from the catastrophe that could be my life. In my bitterness of how I felt about myself, I justified letting her go as a way of saving her from me.
I had forgotten about that on the day I read her letter. I had disregarded what I did and read her note as some way of her wanting to reconnect to me at the last moment. Perhaps it was just a way for her to tell me that the least I could do was to see her off, as a friend and not have some longing for her. Which is a bit strange, as I had almost two months to talk to her about everything that was on my mind. I had close to sixty days to call her up or ask her to stay behind at Sunday School. There were about 5,184,000 seconds to hash over what had occurred during our relationship if I had not given up and forced her out of my life until that day in September.
Endings create beginnings, so they say, but I was not willing to accept that it was just so simple as that. Yes, I had to look at a friendly face with mistrust. I wanted to doubt her feelings for me, as I assumed there weren’t any, or at least not the ones I thought of. I had a vision of our lives together twenty-six years beyond that fall day that started spirit week. It didn’t matter what the circumstance was; who I had to battle or where I had to go. If I had to run to the top of the butte? Fine. If I had to risk life and limb? Okay, did that. If I had to go out onto the stage and sucker-punch self-doubt in face? I would do it.
The only problem I had, was that I didn’t know if I could tell Rebekah that I loved her.

To Say Goodbye to You
I woke up around eleven the next day due to being at the ER and being told, after several tugs, that my nose wasn’t broken. My face was still a little swollen and I could still fell a dull pain in my chest. I tired not to think about what would happen on Monday and how many times I would have to put the record straight on everything from who won the ticket contest, the kiss, and my fight to the death.
Jason came over and forced me to sit on the porch swing in the near-noon day sun.
“You look better,” he commented, “your face still looks like a chipmunk.”
“As long as it’s not Theodore,” I replied as I slowly shuffled the swing back and forth. “I’m still trying to figure out exactly what happened, Jason.”
“Besides the fact that Paul’s a,” Jason looked toward the house to see if my parents were near, “butthole?”
“I thought he was the day I met him.”
“That anniversary’s coming up.”
“Please.” I said as I raised my legs up and laid down on the swing.
“So, are you still going to the dance tonight.”
“Yes.”
“With Rebekah?”
“Yes.”
“But not with Jeannie and Paul?”
I turned my head and looked back at Jason with a say what? face .
“Yeah, right. Sorry, I never saw that coming.”
“Neither did Jeannie. Kind of hit her hard.” I said as I rolled off of the swing, stood up and stretched.
“So she didn’t want to kill you about Becky?”
“Maybe she did earlier, maybe still. I guess I’ll find out when I meet the family tonight.”
“She wants you to meet her parents?”
“Yes, I felt it was the right thing to do.”
“It’s not a good idea to get acquainted with your girlfriend’s parents.”
“Okay, Virgil, why is that?
“Because when you break up with her—”
“When?” I asked with a hint of annoyance as I tapped my foot.
“When that happens, and you’re not involved with the family then you fade into Boyfriends of Christmas Past ether and no one really mentions you. But, if you go and eat with the family, go on camping trips or sit with them in the living room then they get to remember you and rip you a new one in the form of anecdotal stories to future boyfriends or fiancé’s”
“Where do you come up with these things?” I asked as I opened the front door.
“I am a fountain of wisdom.”
“Yes, yes, you are,” I replied.

We spent the afternoon with me praying, wishing and hoping that the swelling in my face would go down before six o’clock, when I was expected to be at Rebekah’s home. Jason insisted that I let him drive me out to Reardan. I didn’t want him to have to chauffeur me back and forth, since he was not going to homecoming and instead stated he was saving everything up for Prom—as he was going to ride with Jenny and the others in a limousine.
“Are you going to wear a dress to Prom?”
“It depends if I find something in my color. I haven’t burned Leslie’s stuff yet so maybe if we combine everything. Hey! I could get someone in the Home Ec to sew something for me. Can you talk to Mr. Jantz about that?”
“Do I tell her the backstory and everything?”
“Sell it anyway you can, Strad.”
At five o’clock, I looked at myself in my mirror and I was okay with how I looked. Black slacks, a solid green dress shirt and a tie. My face was still bloated, but I had to accept it. I wanted to think that if we got pictures, they should only be of her.
I opened the fridge and retrieved the white corsage we purchased on the way back from the ER—I insisted we but it then, even though I was in a state of agony and delusion.
I still felt that way as I sat in the front seat of Jason’s car.
“What’s the problem, Strad?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Jason.”
“Wow, the truth comes out now,” Jason replied as he shifted gears and we peeled out of the driveway.
“I mean, I said I hadn’t told her that I love her.”
“Good man.”
“But I do.”
“Has she said it to you?”
“No.”
“You do not pay me enough to go over these things with you. I noticed you were missing your necklace. Did they cut if off at the hospital?”
“I broke it yesterday.”
“You broke the I-will-never-take-this-off-even-if-it-kills-me necklace?”
I nodded.
“Cue the Handel!” Jason yelled as he took both hands off of the wheel while accelerating.
“That’s funny,” I replied as I tried to not show the fear in my eyes.
“This is a sign, Strad. A sign.”
“A sign? That I broke a necklace wile I was having a shirt mental breakdown about whether or not to go see Rebekah at the dance they were having? That kind of sign?”
“Wait, you went to the seventh and eighth grade dance?”
“Until the fire alarm went off, yes.”
Jason shook his head and then took a deep breath. “Okay, if we look deeply into this, then we can say that when you went Incredible Sulk.”
“You mean hulk?”
“No, I meant sulk. Please, try to keep up.”
It was then my turn to take a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“The necklace was like one of those mythological things that ties someone’s souls. You were able to let go of Sam at that moment and risk a lot of, therapy, maybe, by going to a junior high school dance.”
“Jason, it’s not like—”
“And then. Then! She probably had a similar epiphany at the football game and decided to place her stamp on you in front to the entire community. I mean, come on, everyone’s going to talk about that.”
I nodded.
“And so, you need to embrace that.”
“Twenty-four hours ago you said.”
“I said I’d call you out if you did something stupid. You do stupid stuff each day, so this is like, normal.”
“What about the unwritten rules and all that?”
“What rules?”
“You are confusing me.” I said as Jason turned onto highway two with eleven miles to go until we arrived in Reardan.
“Eric, I have seen and heard enough this entire week dealing with you and the people around you, myself included, to say we’re all in need of a shrink .”
“Okay,” I replied as I turned the corsage box over in my hands.
“I don’t hate to say it, but I need to say goodbye to you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Sad Sack Stradlin has left the building. Here he is, Super Strad!”
“If you ever say that again—”
“Dude, I was like, this close to making sure it would be on your yearbook page.”
“Thank you, I think.”
“Of course, I still think you should have chosen Jeannie. You could try again, you know: since her and Paul are no longer a thing?”
If he wasn’t driving, I would have punched him.

We arrived at the Bettencourt house and I stepped out of the car.
“Good luck,” Jason said. “If I don’t hear from you by midnight, I’ll call the police and have them look for your body up on the butte.”
“Thank you,” I replied as I closed the door.
Jason drove away and I stood in the middle of the road, debating whether or not I could walk up to their door after everything that happened. Surely her parents heard everything. Hopefully it was from Rebekah and Jeannie and not someone else. Would they slam the door in my face or scream at me first and then slam the door in my face? I walked up to the house and knocked on the front door.
Rebekah answered the door. She was wearing a green, velvet-looking dress with black edges at the top.
“Good evening,” I said with a slight bow and handed the corsage to her.
“Thank you. Come in.”
The front of the house was dark with small lights and candles. There was a quiet song playing from a large stereo system on the far wall.
“I have good and bad news,” she said as she opened the corsage and looked at the flower.
“What’s the bad news?” I asked as Jason’s words from earlier echoed in my mind. It was happening, just as he said it would: the when. I wanted to close my eyes and take a step back, so I could remember the way she looked before everything apart.
“I can’t go to homecoming, not this year,” she said as I took the flower and placed it on her wrist.
“What’s the good news?”
“We can still dance. Right here.”
“That’s perfect,” I replied as I took her hands.
“You’re not disappointed?” She asked as we slowly moved across what felt like a hardwood floor.
“You’re here, I’m here. You’re family’s here. It’s a perfect evening.”
There was a moment of silence as I looked at her face, a face that wasn’t hidden by her hair as she had it pulled back in brads. She seemed to glow in the candle light.
“I never shared a poem with you. The one you read doesn’t count.”
“I’m all ears.”
“It’s not ready yet,” she whispered. “I was so nervous that you weren’t going to come tonight.”
“I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I mean, two freight trains couldn’t keep me from being here with you.”
We danced for a few more minutes. It was the calmest dance I had ever been to. There were no lines, crowds or people staring because I wore something completely crazy like a sweater vest with black slacks, and a turtleneck along with a crystal pendant. Not that it looked bad, but I had the feeling that I was being stared at the entire time that night, which ruined the mood I wanted for that evening.
I closed my eyes as I felt the crushing pressure of the ghost of relationships past trying to rush over me. I wouldn’t lets it come back to me. Yes, I would remember it, it would be a part of me forever, but I refused to let it rip everything to pieces. It would not be a poltergeist to my present time.
“Rebekah, I have something I have to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“I’m bad at relationships. I don’t really know what to do.”
“I thought it was just me,” she replied as she laid her head my shoulder.
“I’m going to make mistakes.”
“I hope so.”
“I’m going to disappoint you.”
“I know.”
She looked up at me. “I’m going to make you mad, like crazy mad, I mean.”
“Okay.”
“We’re going to go all over the place on how to do stuff.”
“We’ve got a head start on that,” I replied.
“We’ll always be here for each other.”
“Thank you,” I said as I hugged her. “I love you.”