I debated about it for fifteen seconds.
It was on a Thursday late in the spring when Sam called me out of the blue. I mean we were friendly with each other in Sunday School, granted there were usually only eight people in the class and everyone knew our history but no one ever mentioned it and it didn’t sit on the table as the elephant in the room.
However, there were times when Sam or Keri would talk about some guy they spoke with at wherever it was they went to that week. Since I wasn’t an active part of her life it wasn’t like I was going to listen to everything she said or try to make small talk with her when I got the chance. In actuality, I found myself closeting my emotions when I was around her because I didn’t want to look like I still thought about her; when I did. I also didn’t want to look like I was too indifferent, so I had to find the “meh” area and for some reason decided to stay there.
So, when Sam called, I was surprised. I was even more surprised when she told me the story of how Keri was asked to go to a movie by a guy named Derek who she had met at Winter Camp and he wanted to take her to a movie. I said that I vaguely remembered him and Sam stated that Keri’s father would not allow her to go with Derek alone and so Keri suggested Sam call me so we could all meet and go together.
I agreed. It wasn’t a hard and fast “yes”, but I didn’t hem or haw about it or put in a “gee, I don’t know,” I just said yes and so at six-thirty that Saturday evening I met up with Derek, Keri and Sam. I thought of three things at that moment:
I didn’t like Derek, because when I saw his face I remembered his belligerent and juvenile attitude.
I wanted to run back to the parking lot, before my parent’s SUV had turned around, get in, and go back home.
I felt moved to walk up to the step below where Sam stood and lower myself to one knee and tell her how stupid, insensitive, and childish I had been for not asking her to help me, to let her in as I was scared at what she would find within my shamed soul. I would nit dare to look up at her and beg for her forgiveness in a manner no one had seen since Shakespeare.
But, instead, I waved to the group and we went into the theatre. Keri and Derek sat in seats in front us as we were to keep an eye on them. I had bought a popcorn to share along with some M&M’s and two cokes. Sam had stated that while it could be termed a “double-date” it’s was more like “Dereksitting”, still, I thought it would be a nice gesture.
The movie was “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey”, a movie I had already seen but lied when asked if I had, as to make them feel that I would be keeping my eyes on them like an over-protective dad. I did think that the idea of going to a darkened place with my former girlfriend was not a good idea, too many misinterpreted signs; touching hands in the popcorn; whispering back and forth about the movie; or seeing small glances of the other person out of the corner of your eye and wondering how you ever let them go.
Three fourths into the movie, at a time where I thought I would have had a list of broken parental taboos to report back to Keri’s dad I felt a nudging to my left and Sam placed two M&M’s in my hand. I’m not sure why I looked at them but I did: they were red and green.
I looked at Sam at the same time a bright explosion occurred on the screen when she grabbed my arm and place it around her shoulder. I stared at her in awestruck wonder for a second. I did what I had to to: popped the M&M’s into my mouth and then took her hand.
I never thought if it was a bad idea at the time.
At lunch I ran up to the junior high but I admit, I had no idea where to find her and I also felt that there was something wrong with me. Yes, there was an age gap between us and the dark thoughts that I was too old rose up and I stopped short of opening the door.
“Maybe this is all wrong.” I whispered to myself. “It’s a crush thing. But who has the crush? Me or her?”
I turned away from the door and walked back to the high school in defeat.
Who was I kidding? It would never work out between the two of us. We went to different schools, our ages, we didn’t even know if we had anything in common.
In common,. I thought. Yeah, we had a lot in common. We both felt lost. We both felt like outsiders to our classmates and friends. She probably had more, but it was possible she felt that way sometimes. We both liked writing poetry that wasn’t about puppies and unicorns in “Lisa Frank” hues.
I opened the door into the high school and felt the same soul-crushing sense that affected me on Monday morning and for some reason I wanted Paul to show up and knock the crap out of me because I felt I had nothing left to live for. It was like when Sam left for the second time compounded by the first, times the memories of the movie theatre and every other missed chance that happened in my life.
I felt like breaking down at that moment, completely falling to my knees in self-imposed heartbreak over something I didn’t know would even occur but I seldom ever had things go the way I wanted them to so this would probably end in a similar way. Maybe at a train station instead of the airport.
And like earlier that week, my eyes tracked the various couples. It wasn’t our fault there was a slight difference in our schools. Our ages were within two years if anyone really asked. It wasn’t like I was in college or something. Jason’s words ripped through my head like a bullet—the ones that said everything bad about Sam and all of the ones about how I had to just back up on my feet, and I did, and this is how it felt. I felt at my ear and wondered if I would become like good ol’ Vincent spend the remainder of my life in a multi-concentric circle of Hell as I lived in an apartment by myself writing self-destructive poems about how much life sucks and have them rhyme in iambic pentameter.
I wanted to slam my hands and then my head into my locker but I felt back showing any emotions. If I was meant to be alone for a while longer, so be it, I mean I had handled it so well so far, so why not a few years more? Even there was still more than twenty minutes before firth period, I got my books, went to the classroom and walked over to my desk to sit down.
“Eric!” Jeannie yelled down the hallway. I wanted to hide from her most of all after what Jason had said the past few days. “Hey, we have to judge the posters and still have a meeting about the pep rally and tonight’s game.”
“Right,” I replied, hiding any form of negativity that I could.
“Did you forget?”
“A little, it’s been a day and Nick usually reminds me of things like this.”
“I think the sophomores and the seniors have the best poster designs. Sherry and Lisa have one that is decked out with fireworks. We’re hoping no one tries to light it up.”
“I trust our fire department to arrive as soon as possible,” I said as she accelerated her pace to the gym.
The gym was decorated all around with posters made from everything: card stock, poster board, butcher paper, and what looked like satin and gray lace on black vinyl. One of the posters looks like a folded note that screamed out something about defeating the Davenport Gorillas. The form reminded me of the folded poem from the other day, and of course it did and I could swear that I could see Rebekah’s hair move past me in my peripheral vision, but only to turn in that direction and see someone entirely different or no one at all.
We made our decisions and nominated the fireworks poster as the best and then went to the library.
“This will be a quick meeting,” I said as we sat down. “And, for the record, I really don’t care about parliamentary-pro at the moment. Can someone make a motion?”
“I move that we suspends parliamentary procedure for this meeting,” Richard stated.
“Do I have second?”
“Second,” Molly replied.
Jeannie continued to write in her notebook, apparently she was still going to notate everything.
“Okay, its been properly moved and seconded that we’re going to ignore the rules. Okay, whatever, we’re wasting time so, what’s going on for the pep rally?”
“The air band competitions, we have an issue with the freshman class,” Molly said as she passed a note to me.
“What’s the problem?”
“They’re using a song by Two Live Crew.”
Richard laughed and snorted hysterically for a bit.
“The Who?” I asked,
“If only,” Molly replied.
I looked over the paper and at the song, ‘Oh, Me So Horny’. “I’m assuming this song has nothing to do with trumpets?”
“Well, they do have a brass section in the skit.”
“Minus the ‘BR’,” Richard stated.
“Seriously?” I asked to know one in particular as everyone looked at me. It was quite clear to them that I must have been extremely sheltered in life. “Okay, who is the Freshman class advisor?”
“Mrs Smith,” Jeannie stated as she continued to write.
“Okay, I will go and tell her about this song choice. What about the game?”
“The class with the most attendance wins the spirit stick.” Richard stated.
“Did we talk on how we were going to count people?”
“Yeah, we thought that everyone gets a ticket, color-coded by class, at the game and drops them in a box or-“
“A jar-“ Molly added.
“Yeah, a jar, and we count it up before halftime and the winner get the stick.”
“Do we have these tickets?”
“Yeah, Nick has them.” Richard said with a nod.
“Is he going to be coming tonight?”
Jeannie looked up at me with an expression that was half question and then other of sort of contempt.
“Don’t know.”
“Okay,” I asked as I looked away from Jeannie a bit and towards Molly and Richard. “Let’s say that we get the tickets. Who’s counting them?”
“We would have to.”
“Any volunteers?”
No one raised their hands. Not that I blamed anyone.
“Okay, I guess I will, anyone want to join me?”
Again, no one raised their hands.
“It’s okay. I think I can coordinate some help,” I replied as a switch in my brain flipped from my original idea: to maybe ask Rebekah to help me but then, why ask her for that? It was kind of clear that she was something in me too so why didn’t I try to pursue her? I had to just forgo the bad, the could of, should of, might have been. I had watched from the sidelines so long, like a lamppost and wondered why I never did anything. At that moment, I would do something. It may end of a fiery wreck, but, at least I would know for sure and could move on. “Anything else?”
Everyone shook their heads.
“Okay, let’s find a way to get in touch with Nick or get some other form of ballot or token or whatever.”
I left the library before everyone else, ran down the hallway, and bolted out the door.
The multi-purpose room was dark but I could see that is was like it was a few years: the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other with no one coming to meet in the middle to talk, much less dance. Maybe there was a couple or two or maybe a line dance song would come up and a few brave sounds would march to the battlefield.
That wasn’t me at the time, but here I was, with my eyes trying to adjust to the light and my hopes that a teacher wouldn’t ask what I was doing there for a few minutes.
“Are you looking for Becky?” Renee yelled in my ear as the music blasted through the speakers. I was partially glad she found me. I kind of wanted to walk up to her in surprise like the guy always does in the movies but I doubted that “Wild, Wild, West” was an appropriate song to dance to; that and I probably would not have been able to find her,
“Yes!”
“She’s over here.”
Renee led me through the dense crowd of students over to where Rebekah stood.
“Hey, Beck! Turn around!”
She turned to face us.
“Hello,” I replied with the best smile I could give without looking too happy.
“What are you doing here?”
“I missed coming up here during lunch, so, I’m here now.”
She walked over to me as the song changed to some slow dance song that’s was heavy on the piano. We held onto each other’s hands for a few seconds and took the assumed high school slow dance position: with our arms far apart from each other. We held this position for a few turns before moving closing the gap. We adjusted our hands and I lowered my head closer to her shoulders to be closer.
“I’m glad you came here, I was kind of thinking that-“
“That it wouldn’t work?”
“Renee told me that it’s a bad idea.”
“Someone told me the same thing. Maybe they should get together?”
“I know, right?”
We danced together for a few more seconds.
“Eric?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
“No,” I replied as we faced each other, “thank you.”
At that moment, the fire alarm went off, causing the music to stop and the lights to come on.
