”What? I’m not a girl – am I?”

So many things that I didn’t know. I mean about girls and all the soft, pretty things girls do and wear. So much to learn. And something told me it was what I really wanted. But I was a normal boy, wasn’t I?

An AP-500 story to borrow and grow.

I wasn’t a very good boy. I just didn’t know how.

Then I had no idea that I was so inadequate as a male. I thought I was pretty average. I had a penis, and late-onset-puberty; I was still waiting for some hairs to arrive – and for my balls to drop.

I knew how boys behaved – sort of. What to wear, what to talk about – but too often it felt wrong or seemed off-key. As puberty began, I heard their pride in the first pubic hair, their balls, the first stiffy. I heard ALL about it – and it wasn’t happening to me.

When I watched girls what I saw was definitely not what the other boys saw. I didn’t talk about tits, bums, legs-up-to-the-armpit or ‘getting to first base’. I noticed what the girls wore, the way their hair flowed, the shine of their legs. I knew NOTHING but I knew I was interested.

But as the days passed and I began to feel more and more separate from the others. I began to wonder if there was a group that I could or should belong to. And there were words that seemed to fit on some days, other days otherwise. I was bored. Unenthusiastic. Dull.

I wasn’t gay – I knew that that meant I should be interested in boys. Nope. So what was I? I started reading and new words came into view. Asexual – not interested; Questioning – unsure about maleness-femaleness; GenderQueer, Bigender and Non-Binary – a bit-of-this-a-bit-of-that.

Facebook now had over 71 different descriptions for those who weren’t clearly male or female and heterosexual or homosexual. Wow. I read more. Was I intersexed? Was I …….. I had kept away from transgender for some reason – but some of the examples seemed to fit me. Almost too well.

Maybe that’s me?!

So, time to learn about the female world of shoes, socks, pants, shorts, shirts, coats, accessories, hair, skin, walking, talking, behaving, interacting …. perhaps a million things I didn’t know about.

Then a million more – all the things that girls know but which are a world separate from boys. Bras, underwear, colours, combinations, cooperation instead of competition.

How many colours would a man call ‘blue’ - eventually I listed light-blue, dark-blue, sky-blue, Oxford-Blue & Cambridge and Air-Force. Girls had sapphire, cerulean, azure, aqua, cyan, indigo, navy, cobalt, saxe, Oxford & Cambridge, Berlin-blue, electric-blue, midnight, lapis-lazuli, turquoise, teal, cornflower, hyacinth, periwinkle and I knew there were others. I thought about doing pink but got diverted by a pop-up advert for dresses.

Wow – variations for style, silhouette, sleeve-shape, sleeve-length, shoulder-style, neckline, collars, cuffs, waistline, length, material, lining, and so much more.

I was about to start making more lists when I decided to treat this as a Project on ‘Girl’. Rather than flipping from one aspect of this unexpected but really concentrated interest in femininity, I should be thorough. I was buzzing with excitement.

Suddenly, I had found something to be enthusiastic about. And I wanted more. Who to ask for help?

Another AP-500 story - and feedback is good but borrowing (& acknowledging) is better. Thanks AP