How do I stop…truly.

I NEED to stop. I truly believe this. I even want to believe it's possible.
This is somewhat adapted to turn it into a story rather than a completely autobiographic blog. There’s the true parts of the story that are a bit of a catastrophe-emergency?

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I’ve recently been caught in three different ways in the last month – buying a leather skirt; hiding panties, bra, falsies; reading stories and articles about cross-dressing. The anger, rage even vitriol being lashed out at me is my responsibility because the reaction is caused by what I do. So I want 'it' to stop ...'it' being my behaviour. Yes, I know my wife has some responsibility for how she does react - but, that's a bit 'chicken-and-egg'. Being talked at, talking back, thinking too much, means, to me, that I must try a lot harder to ... ... ... YOU need to help me fill in that gap!

My name’s Monika. I’ve been dressing for years, hiding it from everyone like most of us do. My wife is increasingly uber-Christian and disapproving of anything but vanilla. I have no idea how typical this is of my fellow inhabitants of T-world. I've got statistics (of variable quality). I've read stories (some may have chunks of truth). On a basis of one (me) - i am astonishingly uncertain about 'truth' in these circumstances.

Interwoven in some of the stories I’ve written are thoughts and comments that rather obviously do have some overlap with me and my own story. Equally, I am an author and characters can take a story into the Faraway. So, not everything I write has a personal linkage. I read a great deal and know that stories, even anecdotes, easily separate from the bare truth.

I don’t use ‘in private’ web-searching or equivalent as even that has large complaint if and when observed. I could be MORE secretive but I’d prefer to help myself reduce …whatever I need to reduce.

I could purge all my clothes – not EVERY pair of panties, please. And I think I could cope without the two dresses, the skirts, the bras and so on. I don’t dress often – there is a risk!! With a frown and grimace I could (probably) cut out the dressing. Despite what I have read too often that doing so is impossible. But I think, I think, I can cope without wearing what I really want. I have been out – wearing skirt, bra-with-forms, and a blouse. I’ve even done so a couple of times while I had a grade-3 beard – and even then I noticed only a few strange glances. I think I can cope without dressing.

I could talk ‘openly’ with my wife – but her previous explosions do not suggest a good outcome. But being open with her means admitting to MYSELF … and I’m not sure what i can admit, what I must admit, what will 'make a difference'.

I would prefer NOT to lose what’s still available of my 27-year marriage (now aged 71) or the comfortable life I (mostly) have apart from the (nigh-on) addiction of (mostly) cross-dressing. Just cross-out the bits in brackets to get a more accurate version of ‘truth’.

SOME of the need to dress is due to stress – and being denied the opportunity adds to that stress. But the need is mine, it is driven by me, it is part of me. I'm sure many of us have filled in 'Are you an Addict' questionnaires ... they all ask much the same questions.

Amongst the wife's shouty-screamed-exhausted questions - I have heard “Why..., Why do you do this dressing thing? Why do you cause so much damage to us, to me, to Junior? What sort of pervert are you?" These are questions I don’t have answers to, let alone good answers. I do prefer to tell myself that what I do is not 'perverted' but as we are being told 'tolerance and perception of discrimination is determined by the target/victim' aka, in this case, my wife.

There have been times that I've wondered ... is there anywhere in all this hatred that I get to label myself as a victim. Oooh, dangerous question. Move away from that - 'they' have issued their own certainty that the T (and the L and the G and the B and the 'others') are the ones in the wrong. Somehow, part of being in the self-declared wonderful majority makes them the victims.

"Do you want to be a woman?" No – but attempts at explanation of the difference between wearing, and the more trans levels have never ended tidily. Now there’s a euphemism!!

Interestingly, I am allowed to have a large selection, 21 so far, of waistcoats. My wife applauds this, likes the ‘eccentricity’. Approves, it seems, of my repeated statements that ‘men have little or no choice in colour, material; have little opportunity for flamboyance [socks, ties and holiday shirts don’t count]'. But obviously, wearing a full-length waistcoat [dress] of lovely materials and wonderful colours is just TOO WRONG. And improper. And attacks her as a female. And is morally indefensible. And ... ... ...

Despite her uber-Christianity, I have no memory that she has ever actually said ‘the Bible says it’s wrong’.

Like most of us, I have statistics, comments, critique of ‘them’ and their preference to disapprove and worse. I have stories, some based on truth. But I am confident that whatever I offer will be spurned with great spurning.

I could be more open. If a pair of panties is found, I could say ‘Those are mine’. I don’t have a clue whether that might be better or would be worse.

Truly – I do want less risk to my marriage and what’s left of my future. Aged 70+, recent heart-attack, near-diabetes and so on – does not offer a lengthy remainder.

I could use the big bludgeon – I own the house. Massive disapproval of cross-dressing and having pictures on my computer (trans is equivalent to porn and porn means worse!!) is still actually not grounds for legal divorce even if the moral pressure may be significant and intolerable to some parties.

I could go and live on my own as has been VERY ANGRILY suggested more than once in the last few weeks. I’d be able to dress as I wish all day every day. And not much of that time, I think, would be as a woman. I’ve never dressed for days at a time. But then I’ve never tried cold cold turkey it so I can’t forecast.

Any advice? I don't think much of 'drop dead' or 'run' or 'just ignore her'; nor of 'obey the Bible' nor 'just believe in God'.

Setting aside those and similar options. What do I know about how I will behave in the near and medium future?

I know that my T-ness, even while I call it ‘only cross-dressing’ is an addiction. I don’t like to admit it – but an early question in any ‘are you an addict test’ is ‘Has your activity damaged your relationships’. How many of us can say being trans has improved relationships. I have read enough to say there seem, for some lucky few, to be some gains amidst the larger losses.

I know that I will be more secretive and cautious. I know that some clothing will be purged. I know that I will slip and slide in the future. Even while I am promising to do better, to ‘avoid it all’. I am an addict. Part of me is not ‘normal as normal majority cis-hetero society demands’. And isn't the not-silent-on-this-topic majority such a kindly group of people. Well, not (in my view) to those decreed as being 'different'.

There’s one definition of the general problem.

But I’m not dealing with the general. I’m me. I’m specific and my problems relate to me and my family.

As a positive contribution, I know that I am going to try harder to display interest in my wife, in her activities (even if I really dislike some of them) and to deliver on her wishes.

Any advice?