I didn’t want to bounce from relationship to relationship. Although I was living with Allie who was very strong willed, could I even survive someone with as dominant a personality as Peter? So at the end of each of my responses, I would include ‘doing the same’.

I came upon a solution that would leave us both, that is Peter and I, feeling okay with my ‘thanks but no thanks’. I knew how vain the man was. While he didn’t exactly look in the mirror every few minutes, he was extremely well manicured down to every hair on his head. I would appeal to his vanity by doing a portrait of him.

And so I did. The piece was a crayon and pencil drawing of him appearing his most imposing behind his desk. Because that was the only environment I knew him in, other than that Italian restaurant, it would have to do. It was actually a very good rendering.

His eyes would be the most important aspect and I had to give them that imperious look he was so fond of effecting. I did a second one whilst the spirit was upon me. This one was more informal and it portrayed him at the office in a more relaxed pose. I was able to accomplish this on Saturday afternoon in a scant few hours.

Allie was nearly as emotionally and physically drained as I was after our talk. I knew there was no way I would be able to go to work the following day. I needed that time simply to recover from my regurgitation of the horrors of my youth. And poor Allie was subjected to all that I spewed up.

I slept late and when I did awaken, I smelled the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Allie had called my office and Jill when she awoke. And once I made my awakened presence known, she made me breakfast as well. We then washed, dressed, and spent the day in Liberty Park lazing in the shade and riding the Statin Island Ferry.

We also spent considerable time over the weekend in the studios, sometimes not speaking for hours while we worked to the music being played on Allie’s radio. I spent the time painting chosen pieces of her pottery and she spent the time trying new shapes for bowls and platters and mugs.

Allie’s forms were quite classical and of high…‘craftwomanship’? They were light in weight and she took great pains in the trimming of each. Her glazes were not all that unique but lately she had begun to experiment with several test firings on different clays with new colors she had mixed.

Monday came all too soon. I found myself speaking to Rhona who was very curious about what I had in my portfolio case. I smiled serenely and told her nothing other than it was something for Peter to review. I must have smiled way too coyly because her facial expression alone shrieked ‘bullshit’!

Of course Peter came in at around nine-thirty to find me sitting at Rhona’s desk. He bid us a good morning and, after seeing the guilty expression on my face, broke into laughter. He smiled, shook his head, and walked down the hall and into his office.

I made a special point of not dressing too provocatively? I had yet to find out that when a guy is turned on to you, everything is provoking. Anyway, I chose an outfit I thought was quite bland and shouted work suit. I wore a navy blue pinstriped Donna Karen pants suit I glommed on clearance with a cream colored silk blouse and black ballet flats that shouldn’t ignite any kind of flame. I chose to confine my makeup to a bit of mascara and rose tinted lip gloss.

Rhona prepared Peter’s coffee for him and normally brought it into his office. But I chose to ferry the coffee myself with my portfolio in my other hand. Peter looked up from his desk when I entered his office and grinned.

“Assuming new duties?” He chuckled.

I strode up to his desk and placed his coffee down at his right hand. I then leaned the case up against his desk.

“Peter…? Please stand up for a moment?” I smiled oh so sweetly.

He did. I walked around his desk and threw my arms around his neck. I got up on my toes and kissed him. I suspect he knew what I was going to do because he didn’t flinch at all. In fact he put his arms around me and kissed me back. He took my breath away…to say the least. I backed away from him with a stunned expression…eyes wide and mouth agape.

“Peter…? I am just not ready for you.” I said breathlessly.

I watched his smile fade and he nodded his head slightly as if to say, ‘Damn…! I was afraid of that.’ I went back around his desk and opened the portfolio. I took out the portrait, its back to him, and placed it on one of the easels in his office. I stood aside to let him see. His expression suddenly changed to one of…acuteness? He stared at the piece intensely.

“Jesus Christ…” He spoke almost under his breath. He took several steps closer to it.

“I hope you like it.” I pled.

He looked at me and suddenly a smile crossed his face.

“Like it?”

His gaze turned back toward my work and he stared intensely at it for several more moments.

“It’s remarkable!”

He walked up to it and carefully, as if it could fall apart in his hands, lifted it and carefully inspected it.

“You didn’t sign it?” He was…shocked?

“On the back…?” I giggled.

He carefully turned the piece around enough to look. I had written; ‘simply because… Andi… 09/15/16’. He chuckled, placed the portrait back on the easel, and turned toward me. I could swear I saw tears well up in his eyes as he smiled. He hugged me warmly, which caused me to tremble a bit more and then, holding me slightly away from him, his hands on my upper arms, he shook his head.

“This is a very good work. It might even be…great. I really don’t know how to thank you other than to invite you to another dinner, face yet another rejection, and run off with yet another of your efforts that I shall covet!” He laughed as a tear actually did fall.

The portrait was gone the next day. Upon being invited to his home for Christmas, I was very surprised to find it hanging in the study of his town house next to a Picasso! By then he had more of my work including several painted ceramic pieces I did with Allie.

I continued to work feverishly both at the office and at home. I had to assemble a body of work to show Bob Preston and time was getting short. I had the usual stuff; still lifes, landscapes, city views, two dimensional textural and color-light studies. I’d even gone heavily into some pieces using oils.

I had about a dozen ceramic works thanks to Allie and her form experiments. I brought home the things I’d done at the office between assignments. I was only missing the most important study; nudes!

My sketching books are really my life. They are an artist’s journal even if the language isn’t composed of letters. Oh sure there may be notes and even other short writings. But it’s the drawings that truly tell the story of what is on the artist’s mind. My curve and ‘pear’ sketchbook had been the only thing really on my mind. I always kept it in my bedroom stacked with the others.

One night I returned from work a bit on the late side. I went directly into my bedroom to change and wash and get into my sleeping attire. I couldn’t tell if Allie was home yet or not. Her bedroom door was open and no light shone from within. Upon putting on my night tee, I had an urge to sketch a little before going to sleep. I went for the sketchbook and it was not in its usual place!

Panic…! Sheer panic…! I knew that book had to be somewhere in the apartment but still…the thought of it being gone shook me to my core. I quickly ran to the studios. Sometimes I would sketch new ideas for images on Allie’s ceramics or ones I got amidst the fumes of oils. I searched everywhere it might have been placed but found nothing.

Then I ran…literally ran…to the cave. I often liked to sketch whilst the white noise of the television blocked out everything except what I saw in my mind. Again I found nothing. That was when I went into the kitchen and I saw Allie leafing through it. I froze, totally panic stricken.

Allie sat staring at each page as she turned them. Her face was red and I could see a tear or two falling from her eyes. Her mouth was set with her lips so tight that they appeared white. She was very upset for sure. She looked over at me for a moment and then down at the page again.

“So this is the way you see me?” Her voice quavered and was full of tension. “You’ve been spying on me?” She looked up at me again with anger in her eyes. “Do you jack off to these? Is that it? Do you like fat women?”

I blushed cherry red as I walked up to her. I gazed at what she was looking at. It was a woman’s nude form but the legs were tucked up and being held against the figure’s breasts by her arms and the legs were crossed to cover the vagina. The figure had her fore head resting on her knees.

“I might…’jack off’ to these if they excited me in that manner. But they don’t. And this woman…as well as any others in this book…is definitely not fat. They are simply built like…women…and not like girls.”

I looked down into Allie’s eyes. I could see so much hurt in them and I didn’t know from who…or what.

“And I never have…and never will spy on you.”

I went to pull a stool around to sit down next to her. Allie watched me.

“Then why are you drawing me? These are of me, right? They look like me.” She stared back down at the sketch. “They look…fat…like…”

“There are no fat women in this book.” I was quite sharp with her. “Look at her thighs…her curves. Everything about this woman shouts…” I shrugged my shoulders. “…sensuality…fertility...lushness and plushness. She’s a very feminine curvy woman.”

I turned the page. I had drawn a woman sleeping on her stomach. I loved this form…a curvy rump and once again the thighs. It made me think of a roller coaster; one made for children with gentle rises and drops.

“Curves…lots of curves…” I had to smile. “They are oh so lovely. If I were to draw a model type, it would be all straight lines. But this…” I turned the page to another woman though I must admit this one did look like Allie. “…is far more interesting…far more true to life and real.”

“Now this one looks like me. Her face...”

“Yes… She does.” I couldn’t deny what was evident. “Do you mind? I mean you are so very terminally gorgeous you know.”

I smiled at Allie. I knew there was truth in my eyes, which is where she sought it. She burst into tears.

“My entire life I’ve been told I’m too fat, not smart enough, not this and not that. All through school I was called names; some so vile…”

Allie’s crying and her very painful revelations truly hurt my heart. I put my arms around her and hugged her as she wept. I could felt her body tremble and quake. Somehow, instinctively, I knew this all started at home. I mean… Doesn’t it always?

“There is nothing wrong with you Allie. You are so totally perfect. Don’t you know that?” I implored. “And we’re going to do really cool things; your ceramics and my designs. And everybody who ever said anything bad about you is going to curl up into a ball of fluff and be blown away in the wind.”

Allie looked up at me with her tear-streaked face. She was still sniffling and an occasional tear still fell.

“So if I’m so…beautiful and so perfect…how come I don’t turn you on?” She giggled through her tears.

“You do turn me on.” I smiled sadly at Allie. “Sometimes you’re all I think about. Nearly everything in this book is you.”

I turned to another page, one toward the back. This was a nude resting on her side with a scarf across her breasts and one leg across the other; in other words there was nothing ‘vital’ exposed? This one looked exactly like Allie. She gazed at it and smiled.

“You haven’t done any…other ones of me…you know…like…”

“Nothing that isn’t in this book. And nothing that anyone else has seen. Only you’ve seen these and only you will.”

I went on to explain that this was like a journal or a diary for me and very personal.

“But…”

I might as well push it. There probably wouldn’t be a better time.

“I would love to draw you in a larger work. But not without you being okay with it. I would love to have several of you for the showing.”

I took her hand in mine and gently caressed it with my other hand.

“But not unless you are truly totally okay with it. I mean…once you’re out there…it’s kind of like forever?” I gently kissed her fingers. “Will you think about it?”

I smiled as I got up and went to the fridge for something to drink. I really was anxious to get that pad back but I was more interested in maybe having her allow me to draw her for the show and be totally okay with it.

“I would have to pose though…right?”

I could see the worry in her face. But this was a different worried look. This was not the grown woman worrying about being seen naked by a grown guy. This was the little girl praying that nobody would laugh at her nakedness.

“No…but it would be better if you did. And…” I really hated giving her this but I did want her to pose without concern. “If you don’t like what I do, I won’t use it. We can trash it together.”

Allie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She looked at me through her beet red eyes and then back at my pad. She leafed through several other pages gazing carefully at each drawing. I thought of a dozen different things to say but I wanted Allie to persuade herself without any further coercion from me. Finally she closed the pad and slid it to me.

“I need to think about this Andi. I believe what you’re saying? I just need to think a wee bit about this. Okay…?”

I smiled and nodded my head. I embraced her one more time and then took the pad back into my room. Images of Allie posing began to form in my head and I notated each one on a page in the pad. I didn’t want to lose the essence of each pose and ideas are ever so fleeting.

Over the next two days there was a marked change in Allie. She was very quite, very subdued and even somewhat withdrawn. I had an idea what was troubling her and I knew it wasn’t simply my request to pose nude. I made a commitment to confront her about the strange behavior and I was going to do it on this evening.

I decided to prepare a simple dinner for the two of us. Letting Allie know at her office, I was able to discover from Jill that she had a ‘jones’ for shrimp that day. I stopped in China Town to purchase the biggest and freshest looking prawns I could find to grill.

Then I heated up a bit of virgin olive oil and added some finely sliced fresh garlic, freshly ground peppercorns, and a touch of fresh basil. I basted the shrimp with this combination as I grilled them and used the remainder to place the shrimp in when they were done.

I also grilled sliced small red potatoes with the same dressing and surrounded the shrimp with them when they were done. For a veggie I found some baby asparagus and carrots, which steamed up in no time. Allie was bringing a bread and dessert.

Allie’s dinner table remained where I had last put it and I decided to go all out for the occasion. Out came the fine linens, Allie had shown me where they were hidden, as well as her silverware. I chose dishes that she had made and her fave crystal wine glasses. I wanted everything to be perfect down to the atmospheric candle lighting and even the silver linen rings.

When Allie arrived, I heard her go straight into the kitchen. I knew that not seeing me, or any preparations geared toward eating, she would become very curious and come to our little nook. The look of both surprise and wonder on her face was totally worth the effort.

“You are so crazy!” Allie’s smile was back to its usual sunshine visage. “What is the occasion? Did you get another raise?”

“You’re the occasion!” I laughed.

“Oh God… You’re so sweet. I mean…like… It isn’t enough for you to do the cooking. You did all of this too?” She came up to me and hugged me…warmly. “I have become very accustomed to you very quickly.” Allie rested her head on my shoulder. “But you still always manage to pleasantly surprise me.”

“Yeah… Yeah…” I giggled. “I know… I’d make someone an excellent wife.”

“Well… I don’t know about that! But you do make an excellent roommate and tenant and, most of all, a wonderful friend.”

That statement touched me…especially the friend part.

I held out Allie’s chair for her and, once she was seated, I then went to the kitchen. Thank God for her teacart. I managed to put everything onto it and quickly rolled it into our nook. I served her, and then myself starting with the white wine. I knew a glass or two would certainly make her more susceptible to what I was going to ask.

Eating dinner with Allie was always a pleasure. Even when either, or both, of our moods were off, we managed to finish whatever meal we were partaking in good spirits. I knew this had to be due to our particular chemistry. But the consistency of our ability to coexist peacefully and positively still had its mystery.

On this particular evening Allie spoke about the people in her office and how she, at one time, went out with ‘the girls’ after work every now and then. But she ceased doing so because she felt herself caught between two distinct age groups.

The early twenty something girls were going out to party and have a good time extorting free drinks out of whatever guys they happened upon. The thirties girls went out and had a bitch session about why they couldn’t seem to meet a ‘nice guy’ whilst trying to extort free drinks out of whatever guys they happened upon.

And the girls Allie’s age were either married, just divorced, or with their boy friends, in which case their drinks were free anyway. Allie felt caught because she was a bit past the bar scene but she didn’t have a steady either.

“I had always thought that girls night out was kind of a bonding thing?”

Allie laughed at my innocence.

“It’s the guys who go out and bond. Go into any sports bar and they’re more interested in the game then the girls. Now that’s a bonding experience. It’s the weirdest.”

Allie spoke with an obvious ‘been there and done that’ attitude which I couldn’t dispute.

“If you really want to see women bonding, you should go to an all male strip club. Especially if there is a bachelorette party going on.”

“What…?”

“Yeah…” Allie laughed. “That’s where anything goes and I do mean anything. What happens there stays there. Now that’s a real bonding experience.” She giggled. “Haven’t you ever been to a bachelor party?”

“No…” Sadly I hadn’t.

Well it wasn’t like I had a ton of friends anyway. I’d never even been to a strip club although I once had the opportunity…once. I didn’t go cause I chickened out. I felt uncomfortable going to see women dance naked. The very thought of what went on in those places brought the image of my mother to mind and that was enough to make me feel…ill…at the least?

“Well…the next time we have one I’ll bring you along. It’s really lot’s of fun.” Allie snickered.

I agreed. I wasn’t going to dampen Allie’s enthusiasm.

We’d finished our meal and Allie’s compliments made me feel accomplished in that I managed to change her mood radically. I began to clear off the dishes and against my scolding she helped. We readied ourselves for the desserts and coffee.

Now I was in a mood of silence and that must’ve showed. I was usually pretty good at hiding my emotions, especially with my ‘newly found’ hormonal swings, but Allie was beginning to know me too well and I was feeling way too comfortable in her presence.

I set out some lovely looking fruit tarts while Allie wheeled the cart into the kitchen. She soon returned with the freshly brewed coffee, some exotic blend she was fond of, and poured us each a mug full.

Then Allie did something quite unexpected. She moved her chair from across the table to sit adjacent to me. She sat down and took a sip of her coffee. Then she reached out and took my hand and smiled sweetly.

“You know… I don’t feel like I’m talking to some kid just out of college when I talk with you. It’s really kind of nice. You know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… I feel like I’m speaking with someone my own age…or maybe even a little more mature?” Allie giggled.

“Yeah… Well… I guess I kind of grew up a little too early? You know…?” I smiled.

“I really appreciated that you shared that stuff about your childhood with me. Nobody has ever been that…that personal with me before? I mean… You can’t get any more real than that. I wish other people would be more like you.”

I heard a hint of sadness in Allie’s voice. I didn’t want that. I mean the entire idea of tonight was to bring her out of whatever funk she was in.

“I’ve been thinking since the other night. You know…? When you spoke about your childhood…your mother?”

I smiled and nodded. I gazed at her hand on mine…how beautiful that image was in my mind. Allie was getting right down to it before I could even broach the topic.

“And I felt that… Well… I felt that my childhood really wasn’t so bad. I guess I felt a little bit guilty?”

I leaned forward and took her hand in mine. Allie’s hand was so warm and soft and somehow comforting to hold.

“Why should you feel guilty?” I really was curious.

“Because I guess that the difficulties I had when I was young were really nothing compared to what yours were.”

“Oh Allie…” I sighed and shook my head. “You still feel the pain of that time even today, right?” She nodded. I sensed her choking up a bit. “So who is to say who’s hurt is worse? Pain is pain and it’s all the same when we’re kids. Believe me when I say that I feel for you as much as you do for me. And that’s the benefit of four years of group therapy. No charge to you…” I giggled.

“Four years…?”

“Yeah. I was having trouble sleeping…nightmares and such. It got me a private room though.”

I laughed when I thought about that time in my life. I mean it wasn’t funny or anything. But to have your own room as a freshman in college was certainly something special. Oh my God…! The luxury of it all…! And to keep the same room for almost all four years was a miracle!!!

We shared two more tarts and were now on our second cup of coffee. Our talk was easy and ever flowing and we spoke of a number of things. Well… Allie actually spoke about a number of things. It felt so good to hear her laugh and her excitement was as totally contagious as ever. Somehow we got onto the topic of relationships.

“It’s just nice being with someone, you know? I mean… It’s kind of like being part of something other than just yourself. Something larger than yourself…”

I could almost hear Allie sigh as she spoke.

“I don’t know.”

I tried not to sound sad. In fact I wasn’t sad. I was more… Well… I simply didn’t know.

“I mean you’re the only real friend I ever had and that feels really good.”

“Oh my God baby doll… If you only knew…even just once…what a relationship was really like, it would make you crazy NOT being in one.” Allie leaned in closer to me and she just emanated excitement. “I cherish our friendship…I really do. I can truly say well…maybe you’re my best friend? But as good as this is…” She leaned back in her chair and grinned. “A relationship…let’s call it what it is…being in love is one hundred times better…a hundred times more intense…a thousand times more intense!”

Allie’s eyes rolled up and her hands shot upward like a skyrocket going off.

“I guess I haven’t met the right one yet.”

“Well… Neither have I for that matter.” Allie laughed. “But for all the grief that miserable shit Steven caused me...us...and he did cause me grief, I still…” She sighed and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I still remember those special moments with him. I cherish those moments and often they overshadow the things that were…well… less than ‘cherishable’?”

“Perishable…?” I spoke and made her laugh.

“But I’m not going to stop looking for that special guy.” She sighed again.

“Well…what are you looking for anyway?”

I was curious. I mean… What does a person look for in a…mate?

“I wish I knew!” Allie laughed. “I really believe I have to rethink this entire thing.” She looked down at our interlocked fingers and smiled. “I am too often taken by the…” She looked up at me. “…physical? I mean a hot looking guy is just so…”

Allie smiled broadly and rolled her eyes upward. She didn’t need to finish the sentence. Creamy or dreamy or even steamy didn’t need to be spoken.

“I think I know what you mean.” I said with a giggle.

I knew that feeling…that trembling of excitement. I felt that with Peter.

“I have to be careful you know.” I quickly added.

“Why?”

“Because it’s too easy and I don’t want to get…used? I mean that’s all I seem to get. Used... And I hate that feeling. Like… It goes so far and then it’s like ‘see you’ and they’re gone. I could feel that with Peter in a way. I mean… Where’s his significant other? Or am I only his flavor of the week?”

“Yeah…” Allie scrunched up her nose and frowned. “That seems to be my story as well; although they do seem to hang around for a while…like THREE YEARS!” She laughed. “Maybe you should learn a little more about women. I mean… You should be learning something from being around me anyway.”

“Not really...” I laughed. Allie looked a bit shocked. “I am learning a lot about you and that’s really okay. In fact it’s kind of amazing. And I am learning a lot about Rhona although not the same kind of thing as with you. My image… My vision of women is…well…my mother I guess?”

“Yeah… Well… That’s not a very healthy image. I’m certainly not like that.” Allie stared at me a moment. “Am I…?”

“No…! Not at all…! But I don’t know you the same way.”

I’m definitely not sure of what I meant. But I saw the look on her face and it was one of fear. ‘Does he think I’m a slut’ kind of flashed through my mind.

“And not all sexual experiences are like the one and ONLY one you had with that girl in school. It’s not healthy to simply blow off everyone when it comes to that kind of intimacy, you know? I mean the sexual thing really should be like an extension of the emotional thing.”

“It never gets that far.” Sad… But true...

Allie ‘vibed’ me and smiled sympathetically.

“Okay…lesson number one. Lean in a little closer.”

I did.

Allie put her hands on my cheeks. She leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It really wasn’t much of a kiss but our lips did touch for maybe a second or two. It was just enough time for me to close my eyes and feel the electric shock that seemed to shoot from her lips through mine and then throughout my whole body.

I felt Allie pull away…her lips no longer touching me. And yet my eyes were still closed; my lips still slightly parted.

“Andi? You can open your eyes now.” She giggled. “And please… Breath…!”

I did both. My lips were still in the same position; slightly opened. I stared at her in shock. I hadn’t expected that…that amazing sensation. I really hadn’t expected that!

“That was really nice.” She giggled.

I was speechless. I was still trying to remember to breathe!

“Now…that was kind of an extension of what I felt when we were speaking. It was the closeness…and the openness. You know…? We were talking about things that are very personal and we can do that because we feel safe with each other.”

I nodded.

“Does this mean we need get naked now?”

I must have reeked of fear. I certainly felt myself become really tense and I felt the beginnings of perspiration forming.

“No…!” Allie laughed and smiled. “It wasn’t that kind of a kiss. We really need to start your lessons on women.” She chuckled as she could visibly see me start to relax. “Did you like that kiss?”

“Like it…? Oh my God…! The sensations I felt were…intense and very frightening?”

“Frightening…? Why frightening…?” Allie leaned in toward me.

I thought for a long moment. I never felt anything like that before. Well…maybe with Peter. But this was different. Softer… Gentler… Different…

“I’m not sure. I guess I never expected to feel…” I sighed. “…to feel electricity?”

“Well then… I guess you liked it.” Allie laughed. “Well… I did too. It was very nice…more than very nice actually. Sometimes, when people speak with each other, as we did, it’s nice to have a physical connection that says; ‘yes…this is happening and this is what I feel’. And it doesn’t mean let’s hop into bed.”

I nodded.

“I see women kiss a lot.”

“Uhhh… Yeah…!”

I loved when Allie kind of sang her words as she did with ‘yeah’. I found myself copying her speech patterns because of it.

“We kiss as a thank you, a good morning, a good bye…in fact we don’t need much of an excuse.” She laughed. “But… It’s usually with another woman.”

“Why?”

“Because every time I kiss a guy, regardless of the reason, he thinks I want to fuck him.”

She broke out laughing. I understood that for sure.

“Now guys generally don’t kiss guys unless they’re gay…or European? But if they’re gay, they usually kiss for the same reasons we do. European men kiss other men and it’s no BFD. It’s just the guys here that get weird about it.”

“Does this mean I can kiss you? Are you going to kiss me again?” Allie chuckled at my total innocence. “That didn’t come out right.” I shook my head and frowned.

“Yes sweet heart...” She laughed. “As long as the context is right…okay?”

I grinned and nodded. I leaned toward her and hugged her to me.

“That’s right, it’s sort of like a hug and we do that all the time.” Allie giggles.

Allie and I spoke into the evening…yet again. It seems like whenever we would get together as kind of a date, we couldn’t find a stopping point until exhaustion set in. And it was always wonderful. There were always hugs and it was always very innocent open and…honest?

But I will never forget that first kiss. I will never forget how dynamic an effect it had upon me. In those few seconds…maybe two or three…she made me feel something I had never in my life experienced before…something both physical and spiritual.