I managed to finish up all of my work for Peter by Wednesday and asking him for the next day off was no problem at all. Of course he was curious about what I wasn’t telling him. I usually explained my need for the time but I withheld that information this time.

I rarely took time off for the doctor or things of that nature. Peter tended to become concerned whenever I did. I always appreciated his concern but this time I felt it might be too much information. I mean… Getting boobies faster without the loss of dick usage was a bit much even for me. And I didn’t think telling him about the possibilities of the use of blockers would be proper.

Allie was busily working away at a few last minute pieces we wanted for the showing. She was more than busy between that and the cataloging of everything leaving the studio. She also had to handle the two million calls from Bob, whose anxiety was rising by the hour. He had never given a new artist his main spaces to exhibit and the costs involved with the producing of this showing were building by the moment.

But Allie seemed to handle everything in stride. I adored watching her work. Her concentration was equal to mine and she did everything with unusual loving care. It was as if everything around her was a pre-natal soul in the making and deserved nothing less than a mother’s loving touch.

I truly felt for her. Allie would wake up, run to the bathroom, pee, barf, not necessarily in that order, and continue with her morning ritual. Maybe she would get nauseous again before she even finished. I know this was only going to last a few more weeks…maybe…but that didn’t make me watching the love of my life suffer any easier.

Both of us were seriously tired and a bit worn when Thursday came around. We were up at five thirty in the morning for my appointment with Doctor Weintraub. I dressed tastefully and simply in a blue pin stripped skirted suit.

I fully expected to be able to perhaps go to work later in the day in spite of having the time off. I put on a simple pair of black low heeled pumps for comfort. Allie helped me with my makeup, which was minimal. But I was so nervous my hands were too shaky to do my eyeliner.

Allie wore a gorgeous silk print skirt in an array of lovely spring flower colors. She seemed to favor that theme. Her pearl white silk blouse buttoned up the front and had full length cuffed sleeves. Her face was so aglow that she hardly needed any cosmetic help. But out of habit she donned mascara and a pink lip-gloss. She also opted for a low-heeled crème pumps which matched the field of her skirt.

We always seemed to deliberate the longest on accessories; specifically jewelry. I usually wore glass bead drop earrings or at least something hand made with glass beads. I loved antique glass bead earrings and usually had the matching necklace and bracelet. Allie had the good stuff; gold and semi-precious or precious stones. Often times we would loan each other different things. It was so normal and natural that we didn’t even need to announce or ask one another for anything.

Once the decision was made and we donned the baubles, bangles and bling, we faced each other for a morning inspection. This was a ritual for us; especially if we were going out for the evening. But for this morning we wanted to look preppy perfect. This doctor was a friend of Susan’s and with her concession to see me so quickly, the least we could do was look like the type of people Susan would associate with.

I was, to be quite honest, a bit disturbed and upset. I mean this entire issue of the hormones was becoming a bit much. I still wasn’t totally convinced that upping my dosage was the answer and I certainly didn’t want my dick to die. Although Allie didn’t seem to mind the thought at all, or that alternative methods of play that would be required, I wasn’t so sure about my own feelings.

When I gazed into the mirror in the morning, I no longer saw Andy…I saw only Andi. What I found disturbing was the thought that Andi was the perfect vision of me? Andi had an aura; a feeling of totality that Andy…or Andrew…never experienced. Did Andi really need to go any further?

I had never felt so completely satisfied sexually before in my life. For sure I enjoyed Allie’s being on top and she seemed to enjoy it as much, if not more. But there were those times when I enjoyed reciprocating. The thought of that becoming a thing of the past was upsetting. I mean it’s not like I was the best she ever had or anything. Maybe it was simply a guy thing…if any ‘guy things’ were even remaining?

“What’s up sweet heart? Nervous…?”

Allie gazed at me wide eyed. I simply stared back and shrugged my shoulders.

“Come on baby doll… Talk to me.” She cooed and smiled patiently.

“Uhhh…”

I looked away from her for a moment. I didn’t know where to begin.

“Come on baby… We’ve spoken about this before. Several times...”

Allie was being very patient and I guess I really did need to tell her what was troubling me.

“It’s just that… Well… I’ve been reading about this whole HRT business?” I glanced off again with a pained expression. “And… And I just don’t want my thingy to stop working…you know?”

Allie hugged me to her and kissed my cheek.

“I mean…” I was getting teary eyed and sniffled. “Before I met you I didn’t even know what a sex life was. All I knew was that everyone around me was having one. And now that I have one I’m afraid of it ending. I love when we…make love.”

Allie looked me in the eyes and smiled gently. Her voice was gentle as well.

“You know we discussed this before sweet heart and you didn’t seem to mind the idea at that time.”

“I know. It’s just that… I don’t know. Maybe it’s the last part of me that’s recognizable as a guy?”

“I think…” Allie giggled. “…you like fucking me and don’t want to give that up; right?” I nodded my head. “Did you like it when I fucked you the other evening?”

“Yeah…” Now I had to giggle amid an occasional tear. “That was great. That was the most fantastic experience ever.”

“And did you use your dick?”

“No…”

“We could make love like that forever and I’m sure you wouldn’t mind it or miss your little dicky at all.” Allie may have been right but I did need to think that one over. “Look honey, I think we should go to this doctor and you really don’t need to do anything you don’t want but at least let’s hear what she has to say. Maybe we can get an alternative plan. I mean… I must admit I kind of like your dickie too.” She giggled.

“Yeah…” I smiled weakly. But I did feel a little better.

I enjoyed the process of making babies and I wanted to hold onto that at least until Allie had her fill of that experience. What I didn’t know at the time was that the longer I took the ‘mones, even at the dosage I was given, the less a chance of a successful conception we would have.

In other words, I might have no choice given another year or two. Although my dick wouldn’t exactly die, I might no longer produce the sperm count…if I produced any sperm at all! It was a very difficult position for me to consider.

The ride uptown and crosstown seemed to go by very quickly. Though I held Allie’s hand the entire time, my mind was in a million other places. When the cab pulled up in front of the main entrance of the hospital, Allie had to shake my arm gently to bring me back to reality. She smiled her knowing smile. She understood how I felt.

She let me exit the cab ahead of her as she handed the driver her credit card. It seemed that Allie was doing all the paying for things these days. But then again, my paycheck was going into our account and I let her dole out whatever I might need for the week. I guess I was letting her control, or at least manage much of my life and, in truth I can’t say I objected in any way. If anything, she was lending order to what otherwise might be a much more chaotic existence.

We made our way up to Doctor Weintraub’s office and, upon entering, found ourselves the only people in her waiting room. There were forms upon forms to fill out and the required medical insurance card presentation. I didn’t know whether my insurance fully covered what we were planning to do. Thankfully Allie helped me with some of the forms which were standard things regarding privacy and patient’s rights and such.

When we came to filling out the medical form, although I was completely healthy, my family’s medical history was a complete mystery to me. I simply stated that my mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict and my father was anyone’s guess. I notated that I was taking hormones, the dosage and frequency.

After going through all of that, the receptionist informed me that the name on the forms and that on the insurance card did not match. Derp!!! Though I had my name officially changed to Andi, I had failed to let the human resource people at work know.

So Allie again helped me make all the changes. By the time we were done a resident came through the door and walked to where we were sitting. She introduced herself as Doctor Cait Greene and asked if my name was Andrew.

“Uhhh… Andi?” I smiled.

“Oh… Okay Andi…” She smiled graciously. “Please follow me.” She looked toward Allie. “Are you here with Andi? Would you like to accompany us?”

“Oh… Absolutely…!” Allie smiled as she jumped up from her seat.

We followed Doctor Greene through the office door and down a corridor lined with doctors’ offices and examining rooms until we came to the end of the hallway. There was a corner office and we followed Doctor Greene through the door marked ‘Doctor Sarah Weintraub, Medical Director of Endocrinology’.

We entered the office and followed Doctor Greene past a nurse sitting at a desk busily at work at a computer. We then walked through another door and into the office of Doctor Weintraub. She was at her desk looking through a pile of documents, her attention totally upon her task.

“Doctor…? This is your patient…Andi?” The Doctor looked up at me.

“Have a seat…Andi.” She looked at Allie for a moment. “And you are…?”

“I’m Alison Morris. Andi’s…friend…? Well… Partner…?” Allie smiled at the Doctor.

“Ah… Very good… You are Andi’s health care advocate then.” The Doctor turned to me. “Susan can’t seem say enough about you, either one of you for that matter.” I blushed pinot noir. “Let me see your hands.”

I held my hands out to the older woman. Her face was lined with the wisdom of age and her grey hair was neatly styled in a short wedge. She squinted slightly through her horn-rimmed glasses as she closely examined my hands.

“Hmmm… Nice long slender fingers…” The Doctor seemed to mutter to herself. She looked up at me. “Do you play the piano?” ‘What an odd question’ I thought. I shook my head. “Susan said you were an artist.”

“I paint…and draw. I’m a graphic artist by trade.” I smiled warmly. “I’m doing some work for her company.”

“Ahhh…”
The Doctor nodded as if all was clear to her now. She let go my hands which I promptly placed on my lap.
“Susan mentioned you wished to transition?”

“Uhhh…” I didn’t know how to answer that. Thankfully Allie spoke up for me.

“Andi wishes to become more…feminine in appearance? And I think a different combination of hormones might be in order.”

The Doctor looked at me with a curious expression on her face. Then she looked back at Allie.

“Andi would like bigger boobs and a more…curvy body than the one she has.” Allie giggled.

Oh my God…! Allie said ‘she’. The Doctor looked at one of the forms I had filled out.

“Yes… Well…” The Doctor cleared her throat. “At this dosage level, and without an androgen, that could happen in about a year or two…maybe. We could increase the dosages and change the combination a bit to certainly speed that up.” The Doctor looked at me. “You are still functional as a male I assume?”

“Well…?” Allie rolled her eyes upward. “That is one of Andi’s concerns. You see…I’m pregnant and we do want to have more than one child. Andi would like to remain functional.”

“Why…?” Doctor Weintraub seemed almost stunned. She looked at me. “Why not simply get breast inserts if that is the case. Sooner or later the hormones will probably neuter you anyway. You stand a much greater chance of contracting testicular cancer the longer you remain on hormones with your…equipment still intact. You should eventually at least have you gonads removed.”

I thought I would either faint or become quite ill. I sort of envisioned my ‘Mickey mouse’ sans ears. The very word ‘removed’ was revolting.

The Doctor gazed back at Allie.

“We can certainly freeze and store sperm samples for later use if conception is the only issue.”

“Do you mean that either way I go I will lose my…penis?”

“No dear…” The Doctor laughed. “…not at all. If you wish to keep it, you may certainly do so. But you testicles should to go; sooner or later. If we do this sooner, you will develop much more rapidly with fewer drugs involved. You won’t need an androgen blocker for one thing. And conception is a bit more of a guaranteed thing with artificial insemination…or even in vitro fertilization.”

I looked at Allie and took her hand holding mine.

“I don’t know what to do.” I was verging on tears.

“Look, she needs to have a physical and blood work done anyway.” The Doctor seemed to be speaking directly with Allie. “Why don’t we begin with that and the two of you can discuss this further. The blood work will take at least two hours to analyze anyway so we might as well get started. By this afternoon we should have some sort of treatment program devised and you will have a choice.”

“That sounds perfect.” Allie smiled at the Doctor. “We simply have a few things to get worked out between ourselves.”

“Good... Now Doctor Greene will take you both to the examination room and we can begin. I will see you both later.” Doctor Weintraub stood, smiled warmly, and shook our hands.

We were led out of the office and into an examination room across the hall. I was given a robe and a pair of slippers to change into. The Doctor advised us that they would be doing the blood first; vampires! Anyway, I changed into the robe leaving only my panty on. I was quite cold and Allie managed to find a blanket to drape around my shoulders.

A young man entered the room with a cart full of tubes having different colored tops. He proceeded to fill way more tubes than I would have wished but I was only the pin cushion in this particular mix. After finishing drawing blood, leaving a lovely orchid purple bruise on my arm, the ordeal of being prodded, poked, fingered, felt, and in all other manners inspected, the exam began.

Doctor Greene had a number of questions, basically the blank spaces on the forms regarding family history, which had to go embarrassingly unanswered. I really knew less than nothing about my mother’s condition other than it was alcohol and drug fueled. More embarrassing was the lack of knowledge about my father. The only saving grace was that Allie was by my side the entire time holding my hand.

Thankfully she was there to assist me in giving a sperm specimen. I would have been there all day trying to think thoughts obscene enough to create the mood for me to discharge. It didn’t take too long once she began to play with my nipples whilst she thrust her raised skirt panty lowered crotch into my face.

Her manipulations and aroma was all it took to obliterate the sight of the pale institutional green walls and the antiseptic odor of the cubical as I sat on the porcelain throne and spewed into the fluid filled cup.

After redressing, Doctor Greene led us back to the waiting room and informed us where the cafeteria was. She was kind enough to offer to show us the way and, not having anything to eat since the prior night, I gladly accepted her assistance. Allie and I took what, for us, would be a quite sizable amount of food and found a table in a quiet area to sit and eat…and talk.

‘Talk’…? We sat in awkward silence with the big question hanging out as far as my nose. I suddenly found myself reconsidering my entire existence as ‘Andi’. How far from my original urge to dress I’d come. How right on target I was to the image I had of myself in my mind’s eye. But that perfect image never took into account what the cost of my quest would be.

I also never took into account Allie and what she might, or might not desire. I mean Allie was definitely a penis type of girl. Could she blind herself to everything and forego the sexual rush of an ejaculating penis?

Could she forgo the caressing of a real man? Could Allie ever really be happy with the ‘new’ me on a long term basis knowing that I might never be able satisfy her in the manner she had been accustomed to her entire sexual life?

“Hey baby doll? Your food just fell off your fork.” Allie giggled.

I was sitting there with my fork half way to my mouth, which was opened, and my eyes looking off into the deep and dark abyss of my future. I must have been sitting like that for a bit and didn’t even notice. After all, I wasn’t really there. What constituted a ‘real man’ anyway…or a ‘real’ woman for that matter?

“Look…”

Allie spoke as she gazed into my eyes. I hadn’t moved an inch but my eyes were focused upon hers.

“We could leave here now and that’ll be that.” Allie reached across and grasped my hands; dining utensils and all. “But the truth is that you’re never going back to just being Andrew. Could you see yourself in a man’s shirt and tie and suit? Or in blue jeans with a tee shirt wearing jockey shorts? Or boxers for that matter…?” Allie mocked a face of horror.

“No…” I nearly whispered with a giggle. I gazed at her hands holding mine.

“And you’ve never really shaved everyday anyway; right? And no more clunky work boots for you; right?”

“Well…? If they’re en vogue…” I had to giggle.

“Andi…be serious. I’m trying to make a point.”

“Okay… You’re right.”

I giggled again but I knew Allie was right. I certainly wasn’t going back to being someone I no longer knew…and maybe never really was.

“So… The worst case scenario is that you remain on what you’re taking and we go on with life as it is.”

“Okay…” I agreed but didn’t know where she was going with that.

“Or…?” Allie smiled ever so sweetly.

“Or…?”

“We go ahead and continue down this road and see where it leads to.”

“It leads to no more weenie.” I was suddenly saddened again.

“It leads to breast feeding.”

Allie grinned triumphantly. She knew the one thing I truly desired to bring me just a bit closer to the entire pregnancy and birthing process.

“And as for no more weenie…? That’s not a given. Did you have fun the past few nights?”

“Yeah… That was great.” I hesitated and rolled my eyes upward in thought. “No… That was amazing, awesome, cathartic…” I had never had such powerful and amazing experiences in my life.

“Well… So did I. I have never been so totally in control and I have never had such an amazing time in my entire life. Where was your little ‘dickie’ then?” Allie had a point. “And we haven’t even begun to play. There are so many toys I want to use on you. And I haven’t even tied you to the bed yet.”

“What…?!” WTF…???!!!

She can giggle all she wants. It’s me that she wants to tie up. But I had to admit Allie was right. The most intense sex we’ve had really didn’t involve my dick…or her...her coochie…for that matter.

“And we’ll freeze and store your spermies so that I can have more babies for you to breast feed.”

Allie was pulling out all the tricks in her bag to get me to continue on with this…this attack upon my reluctance and hesitation.

“And we can do twins…or even quads so we can both feed them at the same time. Don’t you think that would be worth it? I mean seriously… What are you afraid of?” She asked smugly.

“Losing you.” I spoke in nearly a whisper again. “I’m afraid of losing you.”

It slipped out but there it was. I was afraid I would lose her to some guy…any guy…with a working dick. Allie looked stunned.

“That would never happen; never…not ever!” She was almost angry. “I am with you as long as you want me; under any circumstances. I love you Andi and that’s that. And anyway… I am more afraid of you finding some guy for a one night hook up or something.”

“What…?” Seriously…?

“Yeah… Remember…? You’re the one who liked guys more than girls.” Allie smiled wryly.

I had to admit she was right. Allie completely changed my life but…well…I still had that itch every once in a while. Like whenever I was in too close a proximity to Peter? I really had nothing to say to that. There was only one positive that could register.

“Yeah… But it’s you I come home to every night and it’s you I want to live with forever.”

We finished eating our meal and we spoke of other things on our way back to the waiting room. Our conversation stayed with me though. I decided to take the step and go further along on this journey. I truly believed that Allie would be with me all the way and, to be quite honest, I did trust her…completely.

Doctor Greene finally came out to get us.

“Your test results are back and Doctor Weintraub will see you now.”

Once again we followed her down the corridor to the Doctor’s office, through the reception area and into her inner sanctum. Doctor Weintraub looked up at us and smiled. She waved her arms indicating that we should sit.

“So my children… Have we made a decision whether we should proceed?”

I sort of liked how the Doctor could simply turn on that maternal smile of hers as she folded her hands upon her desk. I kind of looked down at my hand; Allie was holding the other.

“Yes… We want to go all the way Doctor.” Allie smiled as she spoke.

Although we had talked about this together, it was she who spoke up when I hesitated. And I was glad she did.

“Good…” The Doctor now spoke to Allie. “Now… Andi’s insurance doesn’t cover certain segments of the treatment plan.”

“That’s not a problem.”

Allie giggled as I looked at her in shock. We didn’t even know how much this would be costing us. I looked at her with both my brows arched. She simply smiled and spoke.

“Don’t worry your pretty little self about this sweet heart. Leave the details to me.”

I blushed carnation pink and looked down at my hand in my lap. But something about her way of taking command excited me as well. She made me feel safe. I mean… She would take care of everything including me.

I suppose I should feel that I did make my own choices but, especially as time went on, but I felt very secure in letting Allie do those things for me. She just seemed to know and understand my mind.

“Now… Fortunately your Andi…”

‘Your Andi…?’ I suppose the Doctor was right in a way. I truly was Allie’s. I had truly given myself over to her.

“…isn’t producing very much testosterone at all. Indeed if Andi wanted to become a man…” She kind of spat those words out. “I would probably recommend a regimen of testosterone. I’m writing for spironolactone but that is optional. The progress will simply be…slower. I’m also increasing the estrogen dosage and adding progesterone. That should hasten things along.”

“Thank you Doctor.” Allie smiled.

Anyway, the Doctor discussed several options including the implant which was good for one year. Allie thought that was the way to go. Allie wanted me to hold off on the anti-androgen so that we could get enough specimens frozen to start our own city if we wished. It would mean that I needed to have a specimen taken few days for two week. It would also mean no sex for the next two weeks.

I found irony in that this would be the most potent I would ever be again and I couldn’t take advantage of the situation. Once I started the anti-androgens, if I started them, it would be a slow and gentle downhill slide into penile oblivion. And that wasn’t even accounting for the hormones encapsulated in each thigh.

“By the way…” The Doctor gazed at Allie. “I can see why Susan spoke so highly of you.” The Doctor chuckled. “You seem to have matters well in hand.”

“Well…” Allie smiled coyly and blushed prickly pear red. “I’ve only Susan for a few short weeks but Andi has spoken of her and I do think she’s amazing. She truly is concerned about Andi. And me for that matter…”

“Yes… Well… Fortunately Susan has a very strong moral compass otherwise she would gobble your Andi right up.” The Doctor laughed. “I expect to be seeing more of you Allie.” She then gazed at me. “And you as well…young lady.” She chuckled.

I thought the Doctor’s parting words a bit strange but I said nothing. We left the good Doctor shortly after three with implants implanted and scripts in hand; Allie’s hand to be exact. In spite of the Doctors upbeat mood, and that of Allie, I was in a sort of dark place. I still had misgivings and reservations about what I had just done to myself. I would grant you I could have turned right around and had the procedure undone. But I didn’t.

Allie sensed my mood and acted accordingly. We walked across town until the first downtown directed avenue. Then we took a cab home. In spite of the free time, all I felt like doing was getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head.

I stood in the bathroom gazing into the mirror as I removed my makeup. I saw something in my expression…in my eyes. I felt that a self-portrait was very much in order. I hadn’t done one since early on in art school; nor had I the desire since. But the spirit was upon me. The dark thoughts in my head needed to be recorded as I saw them reflected in the mirror.

I put my hair up. I was letting it grow. And I donned my sweat pants and work shirt. Allie was a bit surprised to see me getting ready to work but she said nothing and smiled. As I walked past her she grabbed me and hugged me tightly. Though I wasn’t into hugging her back, I did none the less knowing that this mood shall pass.

I began to work feverishly. I had never felt quite this obsessed before. Even doing the first nudes of Allie paled by comparison to what I was feeling. In the midst of working, a second idea came to me.

This one was huge in size. It would require two or three four by eight panels or even a single canvas of that size. It would be an air brushed work. I was going to fill the canvas with Allie’s butt. After all, this entire to do was not as much about gender as it was about sexuality.

By the time I heard Allie coming down the stairs, I had nearly finished my work. I had also managed to vent most of my emotional turmoil during the process. I hastened to cover the portrait up. I didn’t want anyone to see it…yet. If at all…!

“Hi baby doll… How are you feeling?”

Allie spoke sweetly as she came up to hug me. This time I returned her hug in full.

“Better… I just don’t know how I’ll be able to keep my hands off of you for a week.” I giggled.

“It’s not your hands we need to worry about.” She giggled. “What are you working on?” Allie turned to look at the covered painting.

“It’s not ready yet.” I looked at the cloth covering it.

“Oh… Okay...” She sighed.

I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I hadn’t hidden anything from her since I did the nudes. I simply wasn’t ready to let anyone see the work yet and she accepted what I told her. Allie asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. That seemed like a wonderful idea after being very focused for so long. So I washed and dressed casually, did my makeup casually and we were soon out the door.

Allie worked very hard to keep the night light-hearted. Whenever there was a silence, she’d speak about something. Whenever she thought I might be slipping back into my gloom, she’d tell a story from her past. Allie would not allow anything from interfering with her attempt to cheer me up and keep me that way.

The bedroom was another story entirely. I was getting ready for bed, washing off my face and putting on an overnight lotions and creams, when my mind drifted back to the ‘butt’ project. The more I thought about Allie’s butt, the more I began to become stimulated? By the time I finished my rituals and donned my sleeping tee, I had a full-blown stiffy! I burst into tears.

Allie came running into the bathroom to see what had occurred. She immediately saw what the problem was and came to my side to comfort me. I was beside myself to be honest. When I wasn’t all that sexually active I could put my energy into my art. Now all I wanted was to put my dick into Allie.

Since Allie and I became ‘we’, I could put all that newfound energy into making love. Now where was I to put all of that energy; especially since this could become a swan song to the remnants of my…maleness?

Of course Allie had the solution. She put a cold wet cloth on my boy bits which almost instantly deflated me. She gave me a very strong sleeping pill. She took me into bed and held me in her arms, my face upon her boob, until I fell asleep. That would be our routine for the next two days until I could get a grip.

Allie went with me every day I was required to give a specimen…thankfully. I felt embarrassed enough to be doing it into a cup in a bathroom stall. I didn’t need to add the humiliation of staying in the stall all morning trying to spew. With Allie there, I could quickly…well…in reasonable time anyway, do my thingy. This was the only sexual intimacy we could have and I wanted to at least enjoy the tactile thing.

The week only became stranger as it went along. Rhona noticed a change in me. She knew something was up because I wasn’t my usual cheery self. Peter noticed as well and commented that perhaps I needed some time off. Susan called twice that week. The first time she wanted to thank me for the ‘excellent’ work and to ask how it went with the doctor. The second time she simply wanted to know how I was feeling.

And just exactly how was I feeling? Well…? Fine for the first two or three days... Then I seemed to develop morning sickness. I would awaken and as soon as I sat up in bed, I would begin to get this intense gagging sensation. I would race Allie to the porcelain throne, usually, but not always, letting her win, only to stick my head into the basin and try to hurl up bile.

“Don’t worry sweet heart…” Allie would croon in my ear as she held my fore head. “You’ll become accustomed to it soon enough and then it will go away.”

‘When…’ I thought. ‘In a few years…?’

I waited and prayed for the weekend to arrive so that I could bury my head into something, anything, that would blot out the world. My only saving grace was my desire to paint Allie’s butt. So I made some sketches; both at work and at home. And I fiddled with coloration working with burnt umber, burnt sienna, red and white and mixing various shades until I had a palette I could work with.

We both took it easy over the weekend. With all that was going on in our lives we really needed some together time. Whilst we both worked with the little ones, Lilly and several of her friends, Allie managed to finish up the cataloging of the works going to Bob and I made arrangements for the ‘butt’ canvas. Of course Allie wanted to know what I had planned for such a large format but I held my tongue. How could I tell her anyway? ‘Uhhh…? It’s a portrait of your butt?’

And she was still terribly curious about the oils I had covered. Now I had two secrets I was keeping from her. I think that although she was initially a bit put off, she managed to take it in stride and labeled it being my ‘artistic temperament’.

Sunday evening Allie was feeling a bit off and called Jill to say she was ill. I had enough work to keep me busy at home and Peter was gracious enough to allow me to stay with her. I was up in the studio working on a final sketch for the ‘butt’ when I needed one more look from an objective point of view. I walked upstairs to hear Allie nearly shouting during what I guessed was a phone call.

“Those fuckers…! Those fuckers…!” Allie almost never used profanities…outside the bedroom. I couldn’t imagine what had set her off.

“What’s wrong sweet heart?” I hurried to her side.

She was so angry that it took her a moment or two to realize I was even there. Her face was flushed a deep maroon color and her very full lips almost disappeared into two fine chalk white lines. They were pressed that tightly together. There were tears in her eyes but these were tears of anger, not sadness.

“They cut that bastard a deal!” She spat the words out as thought they were too bitter to retain.

“What bastard…?”

“John Simms…! The fucking moron who nearly killed you! Remember…? They cut him a deal!”

I hadn’t thought about that incident in months. Nor had I heard anything from the police or the district attorney’s office to bring the incident to mind.

“Please baby… Please sit down and tell me everything.”

I took Allie’s hand and led her into the cave. We sat on the loveseat kind of facing one another with our legs tucked.

“Take a deep breath and tell me what happened.”

“Well…!” She took another deep breath. “The assistant district attorney just called. They want to cut him a deal.”

“Why?”

“Well… Because they felt that they needed Andrew as a witness and a victim…and not Andi.”

“But what about you? You saw the entire thing.”

Now I was a little upset. I barely remembered that night anyway.

“He said that John’s lawyer was going to say that you assaulted him and that he was only defending himself.”

“Yeah… But he was assaulting you!” I think I was close to shouting.

“I know. But they felt that your credibility as a witness would be called into question because of your…your mode of dress and lifestyle?”

“That is such bullshit! Those assholes…!” I could feel the color rush into my face.

“Yeah…”

“So what was the deal?” I felt I should at least know that part. “I mean… Will we need an order of protection against him or something?”

“Well…” Allie took my hands in hers. “Apparently nobody would bail him out. His poor wife... ex-wife took all of his money. I don’t know about any friends he might have had but it seems like everybody was pissed off at him.” Allie giggled. “Let that be a warning to you. Don’t fool around on me.”

“As if…” I giggled. “So he’s been in jail the entire time?” I really found that hard to believe.
“Yeah… And not only that... The guy told me that someone spread the story that he liked to beat up women…which I guess is true…at least as far as I’m concerned. I think he would have hit me had you not come along.”

“Yeah… I was so scared he was going to.”

“Anyway… It kind of got turned into him beating young children?”

“Oh my God…!” Even I knew what that meant in a jail.

“Yeah… They don’t like that kind in jail. So evidently something happened to him and they had him in solitary confinement for the past couple of months.”

Allie’s face lit up and she smiled. Now I hate to admit this but I felt kind of glad. I mean I don’t like to see a person hurt or anything but this was not a nice guy. Somehow the very idea of street justice seemed…righteous?

“And not only that…” Allie started to really get excited. “They have him on suicide watch.”

Oh my God…! He tried to kill himself? I felt bad about that; the sanctity of life and all that.

“So what’s the deal?” I asked.

“They want to sentence him to three years plus time served and a five thousand dollar fine.”

“And then what?” I was stunned. “That seems like a long time.”

“Who cares? It should have been seven! His life is over as far as I can see. He really messed up his wife’s life, mine, yours, and who knows who else? He stalked me and assaulted me. He could have just as easily killed you. He put you in the hospital. And, quite frankly, I think the only reason he got a deal was that they were too busy with other things…other cases.”

“Yeah…I guess…”

“And I do want a permanent order of protection against him for you and me when he gets out…if ever. That way, if he decides to come and kill us, they can arrest him for violating that order.” Allie giggled but I knew she was seriously afraid of this guy. “And then they’ll lock him up and throw away the key.”

We spoke a little longer about the entire situation. Even though I would have rather the case go to trial, and not understanding the district attorney’s office for not wanting me as a witness, I thought that maybe Simms would be punished enough. I mean his life was basically destroyed and he truly had to start over.

I’d totally forgotten why I had come up to begin with. But I felt that now might now be exactly the right time to sneak a peek at Allie’s butt. She did, however, show me that she was beginning to pudge out a little. She raised her tee shirt up to her bra and rotated slowly from side to side. I could see it. There was a slight difference in the curve of her tummy and it was definitely not in the place where she tended to be a little…fuller?

“Oh my God…! May I touch it?”

I asked tentatively as I began to extent my hand. I’m not sure why I even asked. Perhaps I felt that special separation between a mother-to-be and us…mere mortals?

“Sure…” Allie nearly squealed in delight. “Don’t be silly. It’s yours as well as mine.”

‘Mine… Ours…’ I thought as I gently ran my hand over her tummy.

Almost magically all the cares and troubles and bothers of the world disappeared. All that mattered was that ever so slight swelling and what was causing it. My tears flowed as I smiled.

Just for a moment…a second…I wished I could have been Allie. I wanted so much to know what it felt like to have a life actually growing within me. I felt so humbled, so incredibly small, so very…so very insignificant next to her. I’d totally forgotten about her butt and ingrained the sight, the feeling, and the sensation of my hand gliding gently over her tummy, into my mind.

I did manage to get my glimpse later in the day. We decided to rest for a while and I shed my clothes getting completely naked. Allie had already begun to ‘feather her nest’ and purchased some of the accoutrements of pregnancy including something called cocoanut butter?

It’s used to help alleviate stretch marks and such. I got to rub some on her tummy and boobs, which were also beginning to grow even larger and fuller. I asked if I could rub some on her butt. She was quite content to allow me to continue my ministrations.

What I was truly looking for was the exact placement of three small birth marks; one on one cheek and the other two on the other cheek. I wanted this work to be as exact as I could get it; at least through my eyes. Having fixed the placements in my mind’s eye, I simply sat alongside her and enjoyed the view and the sensation of caressing her very soft, smooth, and wonderfully curvaceous butt.

As my gazed washed over Allie’s wonderful expanse of body, I thought about her past lovers and how poorly she was served by them. Perhaps her own naivety was partially to blame for it is the woman who truly chooses her lover. But betwixt lovers there must be a common thread of humanity and civility, truth and fidelity.

Or perhaps it’s me who was naïve. I made a solemn pledge and took a silent oath to never deceive Allie in any way. I would be whatever she wished me to be to whatever extent I possibly could. I would be with her, mate with her, for as long as she would have me and I would let nothing stand in the way of that.

Thankfully the specimen taking finally ended and we could proceed with our lives. I would need to see Doctor Weintraub once a month to have blood levels taken and to report anything out of the norm for a male taking an inhuman amount of female hormones.

Allie and I decided to pass on the spironolactone. We both wanted a little more time before starting that drug…if at all. Whilst I wanted things to proceed along, I also wanted to feel her body touching mine and engaged with a full fledged stiffy.

We could also return to our normal schedule instead of awakening at some un-Godly hour to go to the hospital. Of course I relished awakening a bit before Allie did so that I might watch her as she slept. Her expression was so at ease, peaceful, and totally blissful.

Her visage reminded me of masterpieces done of the Madonna and child. I would spoon up to her and I could hear a soft ‘mmm’ emanate and a slight smile broach her lips as she felt my body touch hers. I felt like a heroin addict who couldn’t get enough of the drug.

My canvas arrived for the ‘butt’ on Friday and sure enough Bob Preston just happened to drop in on Saturday. He wanted to review some of the pieces he was taking. When he saw the size of the canvas, he freaked.

“Three panels…?”

Bob’s expression was somewhere between nausea and shocked disbelief as he removed his horn rimmed glasses to stare wide-eyed at me.

“How the hell am I ever going to show that?” He beseeched and stared at the huge blankness of my vision in…horror?

“Ahem…” I cleared my throat to emphasize what I was going to state. “It’s a large subject.”

I had such trouble keeping a straight face. Then, quite ceremoniously, he removed the cloth still covering my self-portrait.

“Oh dear Lord…”

He stepped back without removing his eyes from the painting. He stood with his mouth agape and his eyes wide open as he silently examined the painting. I was about to turn and walk toward the ‘butt’ canvas to begin mentally planning my space when Bob spoke again.

“This is an amazing work. I must have this.” He looked at me and I could see tears welling up in his eyes.

“I’m not sure I want to part with it.” In great haste I reached for the cloth covering in his hand but he moved it behind his back.

“You don’t understand what you have here. I haven’t seen a self-portrait like this since…”

He turned back to look at the painting again, his mouth agape in awe.

“…since…”

Bob turned to me again.

“Since Colbert…? Maybe…? It’s extraordinary. It’s more than museum quality work. This is towering. The emotion is overwhelming. Whatever could have made you produce something like this? It’s so… so naked.” A tear actually fell from his eye.

“What’s so naked?”

I heard Allie’s voice as she entered the studio. I quickly grabbed the cloth from behind his back and covered the work.

“What’s so naked?” Allie giggled. “Or should I ask who…?”

“You haven’t shown her?” Bob was shocked that I wouldn’t have shown her. “You haven’t seen this self-portrait?” I could have slapped him…hard. “This is an astonishing work.”

Now I had no choice. I looked at Allie and removed the cloth as she approached. I watched her expression change from a light hearted smile to a dropped jawed stunned one. She walked closer and stood for a moment looking intensely at the painting. Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

“Oh baby doll…” She took the few steps toward me and hugged me. “I am so sorry. If I had known that…”

She couldn’t finish her sentence. She simply held me tightly and buried her face into my neck. Allie immediately knew when I painted it and what I was feeling.

“It’s okay sweet heart. I’m okay with it now. Really…” I kissed the top of her head.

Bob realized he had stumbled into something that was very personal and very private. But that didn’t stop him from what came naturally; making money!

“You must let me show this even if it isn’t for sale. You’re an artist Andi and you have to be able to give it away. That’s what it’s all about. You need to share yourself with the world.”

“But I’m not ready to do that right now. Not with this piece...”

Allie turned in my arms to look at the painting once again.

“Oh Andi…” She turned from me to Bob. “When he’s ready… He’ll let you sell it.”

“Look…” Bob gazed at me with an odd expression. I thought for a moment it might have been…desperation? “Please just let me exhibit this. How about just for opening night? Andi please... I wouldn’t be so insistent if I didn’t think this so…” He turned back to the piece. “…so important a work.”

I thought for a moment. I really hate to see anyone beg for anything and Bob was more than verging. I took a deep breath. He did have a point. What I did meant nothing as art if I didn’t at least show it. I looked at Allie and she smiled and nodded her head.

“It is an amazing piece of work baby doll.” She sniffled and looked at Bob. “Here’s the deal. You can exhibit it for the first three days of the show.”

Bob’s face lit up and he broke into a huge smile as he sighed in relief.

“But then it comes back here. It’s definitely not for sale…yet.” Allie was quite insistent.

Quite honestly I didn’t understand what his excitement was all about. I wasn’t even sure I liked the painting. It certainly wasn’t who I was from day to day. Colbert painted what he was from day to day. I only painted what I saw at the moment, or perhaps what I chose to see at that moment?

I can’t tell you how many times I went to the Met to view the very few works displayed there. It is probably my favorite self-portrait because it is so naked. Only Colbert’s short life curtailed his doing more masterpieces. I wished there was more to

That painting is amazing. Mine…? Well I just didn’t see it in that manner. I covered it because, once again to be quite honest, it made me feel uneasy.

That evening we made very passionate and emotional love. Allie was decidedly into oral love and I followed suit. There is something so immensely special and bonding about oral sex. It is, at least to me, a sacrament.

Rather than allowing me to enter her directly, Allie spread her vaginal lips and, being on top as usual, simply rubbed her exposed clit and labia back and forth along my dick. She was so incredibly wet and the sensation was teasingly erotic. I humped my hips up to create an even more intense contact.

After doing this to the point where I was so excited that I thought I would come, she stopped and swung her leg over so that she straddled my dick as she hugged my leg. She began to rub herself once again; this time across my dick with the same stimulating result.

By the time Allie had finally settled herself down upon me, allowing my dick to enter her; I was so aroused that I thought I would spew simply from that simple action. The air in our dimly lighted bedroom was thick with the aroma of us; our fragrances, our sex, and our perspiration. My mind and body was in a vortex of sensual delight when Allie leaned forward till our torsos touched, her breasts flattened against mine.

Allie smiled at me and giggled. She had a mischievous look on her face when I felt something on the head of my dick. I yelped in surprise. The feeling was amazingly intense. She did it again. Whatever she was rubbing my dick head with only required a slight movement of her pelvis but that slight movement was amplified a thousand times as it transferred to my dick.

Allie kissed me and, at the same time, wedged her fingers between us and squeezed my nipples. That and the movement she was doing caused me to cry out into her mouth and squeeze my eyes tightly shut as I came…and came…and came. My hips bucked up to her with each pulse and I couldn’t stop moaning and yelping as Allie continued her tantalizing movements.

Allie finally ceased moving and I held onto her as if my life depended upon that act. Her head rested next to mine and she was kissing my cheek and ear gently. I wished we could remain like that forever; so content and so full of one another. I was gently rubbing Allie’s back when my dick finally flopped out of her.

Allie quickly rolled off of me and did her tissue between her legs thing. She then rolled over to her nightstand and returned with a pill bottle. She handed both of them to me.

“What’s this for?” I was too…out of it to really look at the bottle.

“These are your pills to stop your…”

I saw her eyes roll upward trying to think of how to say what I knew she wanted to say. I spared her.

“Okay…” I sighed. “I know what they’re for.”

“Listen sweet heart…”

She rolled back into my side and waiting arm. Allie rested her head on my shoulder.
“I really don’t care whether you take them or not? If you don’t want to, you really don’t need to.”

“But…”

“There are no ‘buts’ baby doll. I want you to be happy with who and what you are and if all of this is too much for you, then we don’t need it.” Allie spoke softly but firmly. I believed what she was saying. “Just as long as you don’t start wearing boxers and all of that…that boy stuff.” She laughed. “I’ve become more than accustomed to you as you are and I love you as you are.”

I got up out of bed and headed to the bathroom bringing the bottle with me. I read the label and then took one of the twice daily pills. I washed myself quickly and went back to Allie. She was beneath the blanket on her back and waiting for me. I got back into bed and settled into her waiting arms, snuggled up against her side.

“I…”

“Shhh… Don’t tell me. Surprise me.” Allie giggled and held me tightly.

It didn’t take long for us to fall asleep.

The days seemed to roll on and on. We went through them making the most of our time. Bob finally settled upon a date for the showing. Work couldn’t have been going any better. I still started off my days sitting and having coffee with Rhona while we filed our nails. We had several new projects come in and I was put in charge of the work.

The painting I did of Susan’s dad finally dried enough to be moved about so I brought it into work one day and gave her a call. I had no idea of how to get the painting to him and I wanted her to see it anyway. Maybe he would hate it and I did want her opinion.

Susan was extremely excited about the portrait. She had wanted her father to sit for one but he hadn’t the time or patience.

“I’m on my way to his office. He just happens to be in today. A rarity...” She chuckled. “We’ll be on our way directly.”

“But suppose he’s busy?” I hadn’t counted on such a rapid response.

“Oh he won’t be too busy by the time I’m through nagging him.” She laughed.

As soon as I was off the phone with Susan, I ran to Peter’s office to give him the news. I hadn’t shown him the painting yet and he suggested that I use the conference room. After all, they were the largest client we had and Peter did want to view the piece before the ‘crowd’ arrived. Peter, of course, loved it.

“Well…you certainly gave the old man a new look.” He laughed. “You might even think he was a family man after all and not just some philistine captain of industry. You humanized him.”

Well… That certainly assured me the work was going to be a hit.

“By the way Andi…” Peter motioned me to sit down. “I got a call from finance. Did you lose your bonus check?”

Derp…!!! I stared at Peter wide-eyed and open mouthed.

“You do remember I gave you a check almost two months ago?” Peter smiled impishly.

“Oh my God…! I totally forgot about the check.”

“Then you still have it?” Peter chuckled.

“I’m pretty sure I do. I think it’s in my other bag.” I turned stop sign red.

“Do I need to call Allie and have her remind you?” Peter admonished with a laughed. “They want to cancel it and issue a new one which should take accounting…oh…perhaps only a year or two to do.”

“No…” I was quick to say. “I’ll remember.”

Peter laughed again as I texted Allie to have her ask me for the check. I was too embarrassed to let her know why and I certainly didn’t want Peter to call her.

The Scovilles showed up maybe an hour later. Susan was as bright and bubbly as ever. She embraced me and kissed me on both cheeks. John settled for a smile and delicately shaking my hand.

“Oh Andi, you look wonderful today. I must tell you that I am quite excited. I can’t wait to see what you’ve produced for us.”

I looked wonderful? Susan was wearing an amazing silk blouse that probably cost more than my entire outfit…including shoes. And the way it looked so suited her that it was worth every penny. The tailoring was exquisite and her skirt and matching jacket were no less perfect.

“You look… You look like you stepped right out of Vogue. You look so amazing.”

I think that was the first time I actually saw Susan show fuchsia.

Her father appeared to be just as immaculately and carefully dressed but men take that kind of compliment differently in an almost uncomfortable manner unless they’re gay. I felt I should complement him anyway.

John was quite taken with the portrait. He simply smiled and gazed at it silently for quite some time. It was as if he was recalling an earlier, simpler, time in his life when perhaps things other than his business were of greater importance. Or perhaps of events that were tucked away in his memory for far too long. I thought I saw tears well up for a moment.

“I…” John cleared his throat and took a deep breath as he sought to perhaps compose himself. “I could never hang this at the office.” He said to nobody in particular. “I look much too…”

“Father-like…?” Susan chuckled as she finished his thought. “Well I think it’s a wonderful likeness of you.”

John looked at his daughter and, moving closer to her, put his arm around her.

“This will go in my study at home.”

I didn’t, and I still don’t, understand why men would want their own picture staring them in the face in their studies or offices. I would want mine in a foyer or a main room of sorts as kind of the spirit of the house. Perhaps men wanted their image in their inner most sanctum because what the artist sees as the inner self is not always what they want to project to the world. Hmmm…

Peter joined us for a moment to simply greet our guests. Now when I compliment him on his mode of dress, he’ll go on and on about where and when he purchased whatever and why the purchase was a correct one. Anyway, both Scovilles were glad to see him and they were kind enough to acknowledge his part in the work we accomplished for there corporation.

After Peter’s brief appearance, John pulled a chair out and motioned for Susan to have a seat. Then he pulled one out for me. He took a seat next to Susan and placed his hand upon hers.

“I would like to commission you to do a portrait…”

I was more than a bit surprised. I mean artists live by their commissions if they are lucky enough to get any. Otherwise it’s either the streets on weekends or, again if they’re lucky enough, canvassing the galleries with photos of one’s works; in other words, selling door to door if you’re lucky enough to even have an owner or art director see you.

“…of Susan and myself. I think…” John looked at his daughter with the warmest smile, as I would have expected. “I would like that very much.” Turning back to me, he asked the toughest question I’ve ever been asked. “How much would you charge?”

“Uhhh…”

“Oh Daddy…” Susan sighed and smiled. “Andi’s an artist. And, generally speaking, artists have no idea of what the value of their work is.”

Susan looked at me with a glimmer in her eye and a knowing smile on her face.

“Why don’t you leave that to me. I’m sure that Allie…”

Allie…?! All of a sudden it’s Susan and Allie?

“…and I can arrive at a suitable price that will make everyone happy. Anyway…” Susan looked toward her dad with a chuckle. “You really don’t want to know.”

I couldn’t let them leave without making mention of my next showing. Susan already knew about it but I was hoping to maybe interest John in attending. He hemmed and hawed a bit but, with the urging of Susan, at least committed himself to seriously thinking about it.

I was so very excited. I had my very first commission. For some reason I felt very validated as an artist in spite of a very successful first showing and an impending and even more important second showing. I simply couldn’t wait to tell Allie. When I got home that evening and told her, she became just as excited as I was. Then she asked the killer question.

“Check please…!” She giggled and held out one hand, that other on her hip in an almost defiant stance.

I quickly went to my other bags and purses to search for the envelope. I finally located the little darling underneath a pile of loose one dollar bills, receipts, miscellaneous pieces of paper with messages long outdated, and several spare bags of duplicate cosmetics and accessories. I handed it to Allie.

“You never opened the envelope?” She looked totally astonished.

I shrugged my shoulders. I’d simply forgotten all about it. I began to say something but thought keeping quiet would make me appear less…uninterested? Allie chuckled and simply shook her head in disbelief. She opened the envelope and stared at the check. Her expression changed to one of shock.