I walked into the lunch room and stood in line for something that resembled the name of what the sign said. No way is that spaghetti, and honestly how do you screw up spaghetti? But our school seems to be able to!

Getting to the table that my one and only friend Jessica is sitting with her girlfriends Jenny and Amber, yup the three of them are together which is really cool. Only I wish I was Jess’s girlfriend but it will never happen.
I say hi to everyone and try to do more than push my lunch around.

Oh well it’s not like after today anything matters much. I wish I could tell someone but I know that it will be the end of me. Jessica is the best friend anyone could ask for and I guess I know that it will hurt her and she will probably miss me but I can’t take the pain anymore!

I picked today because she will be on her way to the away game for the girls’ basketball game and I’m enough of a coward that I can’t face her so I will wait until she leaves for the game. She’s the point guard for the lady cougars. Amber and Jenny are also on the team they play shooting guards and point guard if Jessica gets into foul trouble.

I sit there and slightly listen to the conversation, but my thoughts just are a sporadic mess. I always wanted to play for the girls’ basketball team but I can’t because some doctor decided I was a boy! Well I’m not I’m a girl and always have been, not my fault my outward body doesn’t match.

So I took matters into my own hands and ordered hormones and blockers off the internet, maybe not the smartest thing I’ve ever done cause who’s to say it’s safe without a doctors approval. But it’s because of a doctor I’m in this situation anyway. The idea of growing into a big hairy guy has made me sick since 5th grade health class when they talked about the puberty thing.

From that point on I was determined not to go through that so when things started going sideways I got the pills. I’ve been on them for two years now since I was fourteen. Using my allowance, birthday and holiday money that I was given to buy them I started mowing lawns and anything else I could think of to earn the money for my pills. I remember when my breasts started budding I was so excited I cried!

I’ve felt so alone through this, but I have been living through Jessica going shopping and listening to her talk about hair and make-up. I love to go shopping with her I help pick out clothes and I even get decent compliments half the time for my picks.

It just drives everything home when Jessica says she wishes I’d been a girl because as much as we play basketball together no team could beat us, and then we could shop till we drop afterwards to celebrate.

That hurts big time when she says stuff like that because I really want that too! But it’s still not enough to make me tell her. If I had to come to school without her then life wouldn’t be worth living any way.

I’m sure mom and Angela will miss me but it’s not like they would accept me for who I am. Mom’s great she’s been through enough what with having to raise us alone. At least dad had some money from his job’s life insurance and the trucking company had to a bunch after their truck killed him yes it was an accident but they were the ones that let the maintenance on the truck slip causing the brakes to fail.

And I’ve tried to give hints to them hell I’ve even left my sister’s clothes in different places hoping she’d say something but I think she’s so busy with school and stuff that she doesn’t notice. Then the day with that show was just the end of trying to talk to her about it. I knew she’d think I was nuts and sick in some way.

I try to talk to mom but every time I start to say something she looks at me like she’s got something more pressing than talking to me. I’m sure that I’m wrong and she loves me but I think she thinks me being a boy gives her no common ground or ideas of how to talk to me. So I just leave it alone because like I said she’s had it bad enough. She tried dating once that ended bad the guy was an ass and she just decided that the single life was for her.

I glance over at Jess, hey I need to go call my mom and make sure that she’s coming to get me for the game. I’ll catch you in class, I’ve decided I just can’t take it any longer and I’m doing this now!
It’s the last class of the day for Jess and the rest they have to get ready for the game and the drive over to central high to play the Devils.
Dumping my tray I head for the hallway to send mom a text that Julie will give me a ride to the game. I do have it all planned and ready to go, stopping at Jess’s locker I slide the envelope though the slits in the door. Ya she might find it before Monday but it won’t matter it will be too late.

I head for the gym, mom’s home so the only place this going to work is at school. I head for the girls locker room where I should have been the whole time. I walk in and make sure the coast is clear and go to the back and pull out the clothes I’m going to wear. A black and maroon dress that fits me like a glove, Angela will be pissed when she finds out I used this dress.

But it’s the grisliest thing she owns; I take the matching lingerie and put on the black thong panty, black lacy bra and black back seemed stockings with the garter belt. Hell might as go the whole way right? I grab the few things of makeup that I have and try my best to do it how Jessica does hers. Finishing that I slip into the dress put on the black 3 inch stiletto heels and run a brush through my hair.

I sit on the bench in the handicap shower stall and take my phone out and select my favorite Guns and Roses song Knockin on Heavens Door. Fitting song for the end I think. Grabbing the razor blade and use my left hand to slice deep and hit the artery of my right arm, hopefully I have enough strength to do the left arm and finish the job. The blood smells metallic but soon I know all my pain will fade. Holding the razor the best I can in my slick fingers I’m able to slice the other wrist it doesn’t feel as deep but maybe it’s enough to work.

It’s nice to feel physical pain over the mental shit I’ve been dealing with for my whole life.
Sitting back I listen to the song as my blood pumps away it’s a very surreal feeling to just watch the blood pouring out of my arms. There’s a blackness that seems circle my vision it shouldn’t be too much longer and everything will be right with the world at least for me. I understand I’m selfish and that suicide is not the answer but what other choice did I really have?

Mom will be sad until she realizes that she has a perfect daughter in Angela and does not need the headache of me! Being a freak that I am would just hurt her more and I don’t want her hurting anymore. I want Jessica to understand why I had to do this, and I really hope the letter portrays my feelings the way that I need it to.

The blackness is closing in I can’t focus my eyes, and even the music sounds like it’s far away. It should be over soon, soon I will feel no more pain and maybe if there is a god or an afterlife I will finally get to be the girl I was supposed to be or it will just be over and there won’t be anything after this. I don’t know which one I hope for.

Just as I and everything else fades to black I hear voices from far, far away good I get to hear the song for one last second before everything is gone and the blackness envelops me.