Part 2

I’m sitting there on the bed should I read the diary? Or should I not? At first I know I shouldn’t but then what if this will help me figure out what is going on? Don’t I owe it to my family to know what’s going on in my sons life I mean if it will help maybe I can even pretend that I didn’t read it and just push him for more answers until he does tell me.

I hear the back door open, Angela is home from college her classes only taking her until 2:45 today, plenty of time to get to the basketball game and cheer on Jessica.

Maybe I should wait until we get home and push for answers? That’s probably what I should do. My mind made up; I go to stand up, when Angela walks into the room, what you doing mom? She asks.

Oh nothing I found your brothers diary and had an internal debate on whether or not to read it. I opted for not so let’s go back down stairs and go to the game.

I go to slide the diary back under the mattress where I found it when a letter falls out addressed to mom and Angela. Angela leans down and grabs it before I can and she unfolds it and begins to read it.

Dear mom and Angela
11/10/2016
This letter is close to the one that Jessica got, granted she won’t have it until Monday and I hope that you don’t find this early because I know I couldn’t face you both with what I’m about to do. I know I sent you a text saying I’m riding with Julie to the game, but I’m not she doesn’t even know anything so don’t be mad at her, I never even asked her for a ride. I want you guys to know that I love you and I hope that you will go and enjoy the game. There are things that are going on with me that I have not been able to talk to you about and for that I’m sorry. I want you to know that I am really a girl not a boy! I have always felt this way and the idea of going through a boy puberty makes me sick. So I made sure that wouldn’t happen. I have been on hormones for two years now, and I know Angela saw stuff that day when I was in my towel and she said something to you because of your questions the last couple of weeks. I’m sorry we fight all the time both of you I never wanted to fight I love you guys so much that it hurts to fight but how could I tell you I am a freak. I know what people think of people like me it’s awful and I couldn’t put you through that. Angela probably wouldn’t have to deal with too much because her friends from school don’t know me, but mom how could you face the people in your life with them knowing you had a freak for a kid? The stuff people would say about you I can’t put you through that, I’m sorry. Not only am I a girl I want to date a girl so I can only imagine what people would say to that because a lesbian transgender kid is just dumb, if I like girls why don’t I just stay a boy? Well for me it’s not the same thing and I can’t live as a boy. Angela I have always looked up to you and wished I could be just like you, you are an amazing person and just so beautiful. You will never know how crushed I was when I found out I wouldn’t grow up to look like you and then I became the annoying brother that you didn’t want around. And I know that is how it goes with siblings even if I had been born a girl, it’s just the age difference, but it hurt when I couldn’t be with you anymore. More so because I couldn’t tell you or mom that I was a girl and I wanted to do all the things you guys got to do. And mom don’t think this is your fault because dad was killed in the trucking accident and I didn’t have a male role model because it wouldn’t have mattered. It’s just the way I am. I wish things were different and I was your little girl and that I was Angela’s little sister because she makes a great sister! My last wish is that you can bury me in a nice dress, even if you chose to have a closed casket service so no one knows that’s ok but I would really like it, but if you can’t I understand.

P.S. I’m sorry about your dress Angela, I know it was one of your favorites but it is mine to.

P.S.S. please don’t be mad at Jessica she didn’t know either because how could I tell her and not you because she has been the other most important person in my life.

Love always your daughter Britney

I watch as her face goes through several emotions the first is shock and maybe concern, the next is fear and then the tears come and the cry that escapes from her mouth is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. She runs to her room and I follow behind her as she checks her closet, “its gone” she sobs.

I grab the letter from her and start to read I don’t get all the way through it before Angela has thrown herself at me into a big hug and sobbing she asks if I think it’s already happened?

Then the phone rings, it’s like out of a movie we can’t even move and it’s like we’re frozen to the spot. The phone keeps ringing and ringing and Angela and I just stare out of doorway into the hall it seems like forever but I know it’s only a minute before the phone starts ringing again. I’m numb my baby may have already be hurt and I have no idea what to do my mind has gone completely blank. As the phone rings again we move and both take off for the phone.