Sooner Than Later’s Part 6

*Before…

“Okay, I’m tired daddy, I’m tired of waiting and hiding and just feeling wrong all of the time while I just literally keep getting worse and worse as I can’t escape this whole damned puberty thing.”

“One thing at a time kiddo and you’re a big girl sure and you’re different sure but I’ve seen a lot more manly women than you right now and you’re just getting started on your journey and things. Now I’m going to assume that in coming out that you have a whole mental list of things that you had dreamed up of what you need to do to transition?”

I nod and stare at him as he holds my eyes with his.

“Dee this is your life and it’s something that I still barely know. If you have ideas, if you have doctors that you want to see things that you have planned to do to transition tell me…I’m your father. It’s your transition it’s your fight not mine but I’m still going to have your back….I’m not going to gatekeep you.”

*And Now…

It’s a beyond funny feeling when you have been in hiding for so much of your life and then…then you’re out and you’re not just out but the whole world didn’t come crashing down around you as you know it.

We played and talked for a while and figuring out things that we’re going to do or to try to do and then we’re going to see about my actual coming out.

I’m still pretty shocked and things when I take the rest of the dishes and start to do the final cleaning up of the night.

I say final because that’s a thing that I got from my mom.

Well not realty since she’s passed on but it’s something that I always seen her do whenever we had people over and that’s get things done in stages.

A doing the after cooking dishes is first. The pots and pans as you’re done with them if you have the time should be done as you get done with them.

Then after that a sink full of super-hot water and suds helps and good scrubby things too and you can go through plates really fast as you do them one at a time dumping the cutlery to the bottom of the sink for later or well for last as it might be.

It’s really fast to do things that way and there’s not a lot of stuff for me to do at the end of things and Quinn helps and then we’re done.

And with nothing else to do but think too much about all of this Quinn uses her phone and plays *If you don’t know me by now* By Simply Red.

There’s nothing like this.

I mean we’ve done this before but always in private and always with me terrified of being found out and things and this…now this is something entirely different with me being out at least like this at home right now and she’s dancing with me and it’s so much more than what I thought this would feel like.

Okay she’s shorter and everything and I’m still way too big for my liking at all and I feel huge next to her sometimes but all that’s fading as we’re dancing and we’re face to face and pressed to each other and there’s this whole other dimension of freedom that’s there.

Or like a whole other range of stuff that isn’t there hanging over my head. Over our heads.

And we dance a few dances together just us in the kitchen and things feel so much more right than ever and I feel so much more me than ever and then we kiss.

And yeah it’s definitely Quinn kissing me.

But it’s so much clearer.

Me, her…two girls that are in love with each other and it’s us actually able to be us and let our guards down after we’re both sort of out.

Her lipstick on mine and there’s just this little trace of heat and sweetness there and then there’s that slide sensation as we kiss and the two different lipsticks glide together and it just sends these sexy shivers through me that feel so much more me than any attraction the Derek ever had.

I never liked the way that things used to happen with me that way.

I had zero connection to that part of me and it came with all the horrible stuff that was happening to me. Getting bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier and broad shoulders and all these things that just honest to god felt like I was cursed and that I was mutating outside of the me that I really felt inside.

Getting aroused as a guy because of stuff that just came with things…that was just so not Deidre was.

Honestly there was so much I couldn’t handle and there seemed so much like I had even less say in what was going on with me that most of the time…most of the time it felt gross to me for it even happening.

At least until Quinn and her getting it more than anyone else.

And as silly as calling it an outtie is…when she said it and she was pretty darned serious about it well she made me feel better.

And she introduced me to sides of me that I didn’t even know that were actually something that I could have.

There’s a horrible pressure to conform even if you hate it and there’s all this super reinforced denial too that goes on in your head as your brain tries to convince your heart that “No, no , no this is wrong and that you need to suck it up as a man and deal with it.”

And honestly that doesn’t even really remotely work.

Quinn showing me how it’s okay to want to be touched as me, to be held and to be able to shiver with those intimate feelings in a good way wasn’t wrong. And it’s been one of those things that freed me and that saved me.

Is saving me.

And we’re just getting right into the zone when Dad’s there and coughing.

“I think that’s enough of that you two.”

I’m blushing and so is she but I’m smiling too.

She makes me smile.

And she’s slid her fingers in with mine and dad’s looking at us.

“You sure you tow haven taken things too far?”

“No, we’re…taking our time sir.” Quinn says.

I blush harder and sheepishly look at him. “I’m not ready…I’m really not ready for something like that yet.”

And I’m kinda pulling in on myself too…there’s a lot that I want to do with Quinn and that we really want to do together and that we’ve sort of talked and waaaaaay more like role-played together but physically…physically I only have ever gotten so far and being so not the me that I really need to be I only get so far before my own dysphoria kicks in.

Like it’s sort of doing now.

Because I’m sort of thinking about why we haven’t gone farther and that’s why.

I’m really sure that no matter how I am or how I look that Quinn is cool with me no matter what.

I mean we’ve gone through the emotional permutations of us and how each of us are like over and over and stuff in our heads and online and even lying down together face to face.

Seriously we really have looked at this.

And I do want a physical relationship eventually.

But when everything being pre-transition and all the stuff that can and sometimes happens that I don’t want to happen it’s just…not an actual option for us right now past what we’re doing.

Or not doing.

Dad just looks at us with a bit of okay that’s good and the rest being still parental scrutiny and we walk all of them out to the car and they head home.

Then I’m home and alone with Dad who is looking at me and I’m out front in the driveway and there might be people looking and I’m seeing…watching if he wants me to go inside and he’s not instead he’s actually looking at the garage and the basketball hoop.

“I suppose we’re not going to get a lot of use out of that anymore right?”

“Actually Dad I kinda still love basketball, it’s just that I want to play as a girl, I still want to be a Sooner.”

“They might look hard at that Dee.”

“I know, but I want to play, I want to play on the women’s team.”

“It’s going to be hard; none of this is going to be easy.”

I look at him. “Yeah…but being someone I never really was has been a lot harder Dad.”

He nods. “As long as you’re sure, it’s a fight I want to be ready for.”

“I’m sure.”

He sighs and looks at me again. “So now what do we do about your room and everything else?”

I bite my lower lip even though I shouldn’t. “Honestly Dad I don’t know, I never thought I’d ever get this far.”

“Well we do have some things in the attic that were you mother’s things if you’d like to look at them sometime but right now I think that we need to go and look at things and what you really want?”

I look at him. “What I really want?”

“I’m going to assume that you need a whole lot of things.”

I swallow and I nod. “A lot of things actually I just…I just didn’t have a clue as to how to ask for them.”

He nods and goes up and opens the garage door with the fob and then looks at me. “Well get your purse or whatever you have we’ll go and get some of the basics at least and then we’ll talk about all of the bigger stuff.”

“But…how are we going to pay for it, I know you don’t exactly make that much money Dad.”

“Your mother and I were careful we have rainy day money and we have had money set aside and invested from her insurance too.”

“Didn’t we lose money with the Bush crash?”

He does the republican face when I call it that. I know it’s complicated and stuff but a lot of it goes to that administration and stuff though Clinton was like no saint either.

“Well some went down and some bounced back and somethings always stay globally stable.”

“Like?”

“Gold.”

“We have gold?”

“No we have stock in a few mining companies that are well proven but new enough to have grown since we invested.”

“Oh and here I was going to call my gaming friends.”

He frowns again this time the Dad who’s a minister with the D&D stuff.

He was “hellbound” against it until I made him read the origins of D&D and his pro-military self fought with the religious self and won.

“Get your stuff and get in the car smart-butt.”

I laugh and he smiles at me. I’m kind of happy too…I’m getting to be me with him and that’s a huge step.

I mean Dad’s not ultra-right wing conservative he’s just pretty Oklahoma Midwestern I love my country and god. He loves people too though so he’s pro-rights on a lot of stuff and is an avid gun owner but he’s pro-gun control too and he thinks that abortion is a women’s right because you’re still following god’s laws when you protect the woman from something she cannot deal with, something that might put herself and her child and even children at risk….all the while he’s very pro-adoption.

I mean he’s a good guy but I like had reasons to be nervous.

Like me…and him…getting in the car and pulling out with me dresses in public and really out for the very first time.