Sooners than Laters Part 3

*Before…

He looks at me. “We’ve got company coming over and a big talk to be had for that too so we best get to shucking this corn.”

He heads into the kitchen and takes ice cream he bought and puts it in the freezer of the fridge and then he puts a couple of six packs in the fridge. Then he takes the bags of corn and heads outside and does the head motion for me to follow and I do and Quinn comes with us and Dad gets some of the chairs we have for the back deck and then drags the composter over so we can just like put the silks and the leaves into the composter and we start to shuck corn and it’s quiet for a bit and then Dad coughs and starts.

“So have you kids heard of Leelah Alcorn?”

*And Now…

I can’t help the catch in my breath.

Dad looks at me. I nod and there’s a tears then two.

“You knew her?”

Oh thank you dad, thank you for not misgendering her.

(Sniffle.) “No, just online stuff after the fact.”

“But you’re upset by her death?”

“Yeah…It’s right there dad…If I’m not choking down those feelings trying to swallow me up then it’s someone else dying, or trying to It’s people I know so well because…”

He looks at me and it‘s all intense but there‘s that dad‘s serious listening face there too. “Because?”

“Because if not for the grace of god there go I…”

He looks at me. “You’ve had these thoughts?”

“Yeah…I’m not proud of it or wanted that kind of darkness dad but yeah.”

“But you didn’t?”

“Because I love you Dad, I love Quinn who’s helped me really just hold it all together.”

“How long?”

“Years, lots of years actually dad…right up to when I started to get that boys and girls were different, and then I realized that I was really, really different.”

He looks at me. “I’m still learning Deidre, there’s a lot that I don’t get about all of this but I’m reading a lot up on it and I want to not just go off with what a lot of other people are doing in our community.”

He means the church by that mostly.

But he also called me by my name which is huge and if I wasn’t so freaked out I’d be happy dancing all over the place but given how he’s still giving me that kind of Dad look all I can really do right now is to smile a bit and blush pretty hard.

He looks at me as he pick up a scrub brush and starts to scrub the corn cobs lightly. See if you do that the silks will all come off and get into the brush and not stay stuck to the corn cob and it might be a little fussy but it’s actually a holdover from mom who would never serve a corn cob to someone that had silks on it.

“Thanks Daddy that means a lot.” Okay he’s really looking at me because I called him daddy and that might have just freaked him out more than just a little bit.

“Dad…sorry.”

“No…that’s actually alright, we’re still learning this and I have to learn things like that to go with it. It’s just odd; it’s been a long time since you called me that.”

I nod and wipe a little at my eyes. “Likely from just about when I started knowing that I was really different and all the other stuff came crashing down.”

Dad looks at me. “Came crashing down?”

I sigh. “There’s nothing like knowing that you’re not-right to make you see things different and hurt enough to grow up like way too fast.”

He looks at me. “God honey when you’re saying this stuff it kind of puts some of the things that I worried and your mother worried about with you into perspective.”

I look at him it does? “It does?”

Dad nods. “How could it not, I can see differences in you Der… Deidre, you just seem different and it’s partly seeing the difference in the house and things though honey you might have been trying too hard.”

I nod and I blush. “It’s part that and its part just being allowed to be me and actually do the stereotypical girly stuff with something like impunity?”

Dad chuckles at that. “Impunity huh?”

I look at him and I’m being sort of serious even though I’m smiling. “Yeah, kind of. Dad it’s like me finally getting to be me even if it’s just here and all it’s not being me and out but it’s more me than I’ve ever been allowed to have and it was all kind of too cool and it was so much it was all bubbling out.”

He finishes the corn or we finish the corn and he’s gathering all of the leaves and things for the composter. He’s not looking at me as he’s doing it but he does say. “Look I know it wasn’t exactly right for me to ask you to stay in the house, but I need some time to process this and I need to do this so that you’ll be safe…Der…Deidre. The first thing I found on Google was just how many of you kids are dying.”

I (Sniffle-nod.) “Honestly dad that’s not a big deal right now. I’m scared too, this is my life and the trans community is like my community I know how dangerous this is and I know how things might go and turn on me for just being me.”

He takes the stuff to the composter and then drags over our picnic table so it’s closer to the grill to work with and everything. “I’m scared for you, scared for both of you.”

Quinn smiles and she comes over and she hugs me. “We know you are, but we can’t just hide forever.” She says to him. “I’m choking on my closet and Dee’s drowning in here old self every day, we really just need this.”

He nods. “Okay…we’ll try, we have to try but can we do this one step at a time?”

I smile. “Daddy, one step at a time in more forward momentum than I’ve ever had in my life. We can do this slowly.”

We head inside to get some other things and I look for a few other odds and ends like a table cloth that mom would have used for the picnic table and some other things like plates and cups and Quinn’s out in the garage getting the good lawn chairs those canvas fishing chairs with the cup holders and things and we’re just getting things looking nice actually when I hear a familiar car engine pulling in and it’s Quinn’s folks getting here.

I look at her and she looks at me and she looks just as scared as I am.

Seriously coming out and not being straight is just as hard as coming out as trans. It’s Oklahoma and it’s a really big deal.

Being straight’s a big deal.