“So… Yeah,” I say as the professional make-up artist applies a layer of adhesive to the tops of my ears. “Why, exactly, again?”

“It’s his favourite show,” Charlotte explains. “He’s done so much for us over the years, it’s only fair we throw him a party for once.”

“And he’s 55 this year, it’s as good a time as any,” Hannah says. “And the show’s celebrating its fiftieth anniversary, it just makes sense, really.”

“Oh, I get that,” I say as the make-up artist applies latex prosthetics to the tops of my ears and begins the process of blending the make-up to match my natural skin tone. “I just want to know why it’s me who has to have the damned pointed ears…”

“Because you’re the only one without piercings in them,” Krystie giggles. “Or a massive allergy to the adhesive they use!”

“As long as the adhesive isn’t smeared over her tits, anyway,” Charlotte says, reminding me of the discomfort I endured in my pre-breast implant days.

“First thing I’m doing after Joshua’s party is getting my ear tops pierced,” I say, sticking my tongue out at the other girls before standing up, smoothing my ultra-short blue dress and posing with one hand on my hip and the other raised in the world-famous salute.

“Live long and prosper, Commander Jamock!” Hannah giggles, returning my salute.

“Hang on,” Viks says, retrieving her phone from the cleavage of her own blue dress. “GOT to get a photo of this…” I sigh as I hold my salute- fortunately, the character I’m emulating isn’t known for smiling a lot, so my frown only adds to the photos that are being uploaded to Instagram.

“I’d save space on your phone if I were you,” Hannah giggles. “You’ll need them tonight, Miss ‘I’m only going to be called ‘miss’ for another twenty-four hours’ Brooks!” My frown cracks into a giggle as Viks blushes, and her cheeks only redden as she gets swamped by a group hug. Today is Friday the 26th of February- and tomorrow is the day Viks marries the guy of her dreams.

…And yet, while I should be happy for my friend, all I feel is envy. Sure, it’s not like I’m alone- I do have my own fiancé, a man I love more than life itself- but in the months since we set a date for our wedding, our life has grown more and more… Frustrating. Not least because the date of our wedding has been pushed back not once, but twice, to accommodate filming for the next season of our reality show- a season we’re not even sure will be produced, thanks to declining ratings. Our dream summer August wedding is now going to be a chilly November wedding, and whilst I am grateful to Joshua for agreeing to pay for everything, there’s a part of me that wants my wedding to be… Well, ‘mine’.

And as our wedding date gets pushed further and further back, my desire to have my own family just grows and grows, especially as I see all my friends settling down into their own family units. Ever since Keith and Charlotte reconciled, the two of them have been inseparable- or rather, the three of them have been inseparable. Keith’s spent more time with his son in the past two months than he did in the whole of the time before he and Charlotte got back together. Hell, he’s probably spent more time with his son in the past two DAYS than in the whole of the time before he and Charlotte got back together. He’s truly stepped up to the challenge of being a father, and it’s easy to tell from his eyes that he treasures every second he spends with his son.

…Even though this means that Stuart and I- despite being the boy’s godparents and (in my case) living under the same roof as him- barely spend any time with him anymore. Admittedly, there are reasons- Stuart went into hospital a couple of weeks ago for the second stage of his SRS (connecting his urethra) and is still off his feet, and obviously I want to spend as much time as I can caring for him. But still, I miss the days when I’d wander downstairs, cuddle the boy in my arms and smile as he giggled at me.

However, the one positive about our lives is that we’re still young, and we still have time on our side. I’m only 24, Stuart will be 26 in a couple of days… Most people don’t become parents until they’re in their very late twenties, but even that ‘deadline’ draws closer with every passing day.

For tonight, however, I can allow myself to relax and have fun. Tomorrow is the day we celebrate Viks and Jonathan’s love for each other, which means that tonight is the night we celebrate Viks’s last night as a single woman- and that, of course, means it’s her Hen Night!

“Here comes the bride!” Hannah- Viks’s maid of honour- yells as Viks descends the stairs of her home in her dress- not her wedding dress, but a short, tight black clubbing dress with skyscraper heels, thick make-up and fake tan and extra-long black fingernails. On her head is an extravagant silver tiara, and draped across her torso is a gold-coloured sash that reads ‘Bride to Be’. I- and the other five Angels- are all wearing similar dresses, shoes and make-up, only we have no tiaras on our heads and our sashes read ‘Bridesmaid’ (or ‘Maid of Honour’ in Hannah’s case).

“Aww, you girls…” Viks says, blushing as she’s dragged into yet another group hug, which Hannah captures for posterity in an overhead selfie. “This is so amazing…”

“I think you’re meant to say that about the wedding, not the Hen Night!” Mary giggles.

“The voice of experience!” Krystie giggles, giving her BFF a tight cuddle. “Though there’ll be plenty more ‘experience’ to go round soon, won’t there, Miss Burke?”

“When we’re allowed to get married, anyway!” I laugh. “Assuming Mikey doesn’t pop the question and you decide to queue-jump…”

“Who says HE’s going to pop the question?” Krystie says, making me giggle. “Besides, who’s to say that after Mrs Victoria Benedict, we won’t be celebrating the marriage of Mrs Charlotte Hartley next?”

“Give me a chance, we’ve only been back together for two months!” Charlotte laughs exasperatedly. “And tonight is all about the future Mrs Victoria Benedict, as far as the world is concerned, we’re all six young, sexy, successful, famous, rich women enjoying the fact that we are- well, what I just said. Right?”

“Right!” I and the other girls cheer. Once again, Charlotte is the voice of wisdom. Who cares if I don’t have a family yet? I AM young. I AM sexy, successful, rich and famous… And tonight, I’m going to put all my anxieties behind me and party like I was nineteen again.

“So let’s drink, drink and be merry!” I say, earning more cheers.

“Well…” Mary says, silencing the six of us. “I can certainly provide the ‘merry’, but I’m afraid ‘drink’ is out of the question tonight…” The five of us look at the short Irishwoman in confusion, before our confusion turns to shock as she gently pats her slender belly.

“Wh- what?” Krystie asks, her jaw plummeting. “Mary!? Again!?”

“Yep!” Mary giggles. “I didn’t want to say until after the wedding- I didn’t want to upstage Viks- but I also don’t want the baby to get drunk before she’s even been born-“

“You are more than welcome to upstage me, this is awesome news!” Viks laughs, giving the pregnant woman a gentle hug.

“So cool!” Charlotte squeaks. “Keith junior’s getting another cousin! When, exactly, will he-“

“September,” Mary laughs. “So it’ll be easy enough to keep under wraps until I’m ready to tell the rest of the world- right now it’s just you girls, Dan and our families who know.”

“Our lips are sealed,” Hannah says. “We are SO going to throw you a party to celebrate… But first, we have to get my BFF married off, and that means that we have to get her as drunk as possible, right?”

“Right!” We all cheer, though deep down inside, I feel my heart sink. Tonight, I’d hoped to forget all about my anxieties- and even though I’m happy for Mary, the fact is that she’s brought them crashing straight back. All throughout the night, every time I try to relax, all I can think about is Mary and her future life with her husband and her children, watching them grow up…

Unsurprisingly, Mary leaves the hen night early, and I also bow out shortly after she does, claiming that I need to return home to check on Stuart when in reality Mary’s news has left me in a mood where I don’t feel much like celebrating. I arrive home- at Charlotte’s house- just after 11pm to find Stuart already in bed, reading his Kindle.

“Hey,” my fiancé says as I greet him with a kiss. “You’re back early, is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I sigh as I strip naked and climb under the sheets next to Stuart, taking care not to disturb his still-catheterised ‘area’. “It’s- it’s Mary.”

“What’s happened?” Stuart asked. “Is she pregnant again?”

“…How did you know?” I ask, casting a suspicious gaze at my fiancé.

“Lucky guess,” Stuart shrugs. “Figured it had to be something big to put that size of frown on your face.” I sigh again as Stuart gives me a kiss, before wrapping one of his strong arms around me. “We will get there, I promise. Everyone we’ve spoken to from the adoption agency has said that we’d make great parents.”

“Great parents EVENTUALLY,” I retort.

“Same difference,” Stuart says, switching off his kindle and giving me a kiss. “Get some sleep, babe. You’ll need your strength for tomorrow!” I smile as I return Stuart’s kiss and lay my head down on my pillow, but as hard as I try, my mind is filled with thoughts of my friends and their families… And me without one.

I must have eventually drifted off, though, as I’m woken by the alarm on my phone at 7am and confronted by the sight of Stuart slowly easing his smart suit on over his catheter.

“Hey,” I whisper, holding out Stuart’s trousers for him. “Let me give you a hand.”

“Thanks,” Stuart whispers. “Really gutted I couldn’t make it to the stag last night… I guess there’ll be another one before too long.”

“Yeah- yours!” I giggle. “Besides, weddings aren’t about stag nights, they’re about two people who adore each other, making a commitment to adore each other until the end of time…"

“GIRL!” Stuart yells, making me giggle harder.

“WOMAN,” I retort. “Unless you want to be a BOY?”

“Chance’d be a fine thing,” Stuart sighs, making me chuckle sadly. We’ve often discussed how different our lives would be if we hadn’t made the change- though obviously I haven’t told him all the details surrounding the start of ‘Jamie-Lee’- and we often wonder if ‘James’ and ‘Claire’ would be as close as ‘Jamie-Lee’ and ‘Stuart’ are. Ultimately, though, it doesn’t matter- Jamie-Lee and Stuart are who we are, and Jamie-Lee and Stuart are madly in love, and always will be.

“Well you’re a MAN now,” I say, giving Stuart a gentle hug. “So do up your tie.”

“Put on a proper suit and sing the national anthem,” Stuart says, making me snort with laughter. I pull on a simple knee-length dress and a pair of black tights- my bridesmaid’s dress is obviously waiting for me at Viks’s- before heading downstairs with Stuart, giggling at the sound of happy laughter coming from the kitchen.

“Aww,” Stuart laughs as we enter the kitchen. “Little Keith likes his first ever suit, doesn’t he?”

“Yep,” Keith senior- who is also wearing a smart suit- says with a proud grin on his face. “Sleep well, mate?”

“Not bad,” Stuart says. “Pain’s getting better every day.” I smile as Keith and Stuart chat over their breakfast like the old friends they are, even if they were bitter enemies up until recently. Keith’s reconciliation with Charlotte improved the lives of more than just those two.

“Hey Charlie!” I say, greeting my BFF with a tight hug.

“Hey Jay!” Charlotte says with a happy giggle. “Big day today! …And are you really wearing that to Viks’s?”

“Get back together with Keith and it’s like it’s 2011 again!” I say, making Charlotte blush.

“Okay, okay,” Charlotte snorts. “You’re gorgeous, fashionable and ultra-girly!”

“Better,” I say, doing a quick twirl in my dress. “You okay? Get much sleep last night?”

“Keith junior needed a feed,” Charlotte shrugs. “I’m fine. Keith senior’s doing all the driving today anyway, hehe!”

“Can you believe it about Mary, though?” I ask.

“I know,” Charlotte sighs. “I’m so jealous, I never had a little brother or sister, I know you didn’t either, that’s why you’re so close to Nikki and Steph…”

“Don’t rush into giving Keith junior a little brother or sister,” I say, recognising the tell-tale signs of Charlotte’s volatile mood.

“No, I won’t,” Charlotte says, before letting out a long sigh. “You know, after Mary’s wedding, I was convinced it’d be me next… Now we’re at best third in the queue. Fourth, if you count Nikki and Sarah.”

“But you ARE in the queue,” I say. “Yeah, Keith hasn’t proposed yet, but you know he will… And you’ll always have that little one.”

“Yeah…” Charlotte says, the smile returning to her face. “We’d better get going, don’t want Hannah yelling at us for being late, hehe!” I smile as the boys (all three of them) take the hint and lead us out to Keith’s car. After dropping Keith junior off at Keith senior’s parents, we arrive at Viks’s parents’ house, where preparation for the wedding is already in full swing.

“Come in, come in!” Hannah- clad in a big, fluffy bathrobe with her face smothered in fake tan and her hair in a hairnet- urges us. “Get stripped down to your underwear then get into the living room, we need to get you two tanned!”

“Do you remember the time when Viks loathed fake tan?” I ask the tall blonde girl.

“Remember it? It was about eight years of her life,” Hannah chuckles. “Fortunately, like another amazing girly girl I know, she saw the light and realised that all things feminine were also all things awesome, including fake tan!” I giggle as Charlotte gives me a tight cuddle, before we both strip down to our underwear and are both liberally blasted by Hannah’s fake tan spray gun.

After we’re bronzed, Charlotte and I are led into the kitchen, which has been turned into a makeshift salon for the day, and our hair is thoroughly washed and primped into tight, elaborate updos, while our faces are treated and made-up to perfection with subtle eye shadow, mascara and dark red lipstick. After our nails are repainted in a dark red colour (to match our lipstick), we’re led upstairs, where we swap our own underwear for a set of extremely fancy silk lingerie in a deep black colour. The set includes a thong, a tight strapless bra, a suspender belt and a pair of exquisite silk stockings, and feel amazing once they’re on my body.

Next comes the dress- a strapless, dark mauve chiffon gown with a tight bodice and a highly ruffled skirt, with matching shoes that have a 5 inch stiletto heel. It’s my second time being a bridesmaid, and I feel just as beautiful now as I did when I was Mary’s bridesmaid two years ago, even when I’m reunited with the other four identically-dressed bridesmaids (all of us even have our hair done in the same style and colour).

“Here comes the bride!” Hannah squeaks as the door to Viks’s bedroom opens. I gasp as I see the dark-haired girl descend the stairs- when I first met her, almost three years ago, she was a painfully shy girl who always hid herself away in the background, almost as though she was ashamed of her looks. Today, though, there isn’t a trace of shame on her face- and rightfully so.

Viks’s dress is, of course, a pure white colour, contrasting her tanned skin and dark brown hair. Like our bridesmaids’ dresses, it’s strapless, but is much tighter laced and shows off a lot more of her amazing cleavage and enhances her now-famous curves. Her skirt is wide, multi-layered and swishes with every step she takes, and her perfectly made-up face is covered by a transparent white veil. She looks truly, utterly beautiful, and all five of us bridesmaids are welling up… Even though my main thought is ‘I wonder what my wedding dress will look like?’.

“Oh my god, you guys…” Viks squeaks as we all give her gentle, careful hugs (so as not to crinkle any of our dresses).

“You truly are the most beautiful girl on the planet,” Viks’s father says, bringing tears to his daughter’s eyes as he leads her down to the waiting car. Viks’s career choice- and her subsequent independence- had caused a rift between herself and her parents in the past, but the smile on her father’s face shows that all has long since been forgiven.

Viks gets in the lead car with her father, her two brothers (who are acting as page boys for today, despite the fact that they’re 17 and 14) and Maid of Honour Hannah, whilst Charlotte, Krystie, Mary and I climb into the second car- where the discussion quickly turns to one topic, and one topic only.

“So,” Krystie says with a devilish grin. “Picked out any names yet?”

“I only found out a few days ago, give me a damn break!” Mary sighs.

“Language,” Charlotte giggles, patting Mary’s belly. “There ARE children present…”

“’Children’, as in the plural?” Krystie asks. “Are you trying to tell us something as well, Miss Hutchinson?”

“GOD no!” Charlotte giggles. “Quite happy with one for now, which is more than can be said for Mrs Carter!”

“Give me a break, it’s not like this one was planned either,” Mary snorts.

“Shh, she’ll hear you!” Krystie giggles. “And yes, I said ‘she’! Girl rays!” The three of us all giggle as we beam our ‘girl rays’ into Mary’s belly, but deep down inside, I simply can’t shake off my jealous feelings- feelings that get worse as we arrive at the church through a gaggle of paparazzi (which doesn’t impress Viks’s father at all, though her brother’s don’t seem to mind too much), all of whom are focussing their cameras onto Viks. I try to remind myself that I’ll get the same treatment and the same level of attention when it’s my turn to get married, and it IS my turn after Viks… Even if that ‘turn’ seems to be slipping further and further into the future.

The wedding, of course, goes perfectly. Viks and Jonathan prepared their own vows, which brought tears to the eyes of everyone in the church, even the ultra-macho boys (I especially giggled at the sight of Stuart and Keith sat next to each other with tears in both of their eyes). After the wedding, despite the cold, we’re all ushered outside for the traditional throwing of the bouquet and the garter- which, of course, get thrown straight at myself and Stuart respectively, earning good-natured boos from the rest of the crowd!

After about a thousand photographs are taken of the happy couple and family, friends and groomsmen and bridesmaids, we’re ushered back into our cars, soon finding ourselves at the vast events hall (much bigger than the room we usually use in Charlotte’s house) that Joshua has hired for the wedding reception. After the usual speeches and a very rich, very filling meal, I spend the rest of the evening dancing happily with all the other guests. Stuart’s recovery means that he’s only up for one dance, but I find willing dance partners in Viks’s youngest brother Phil (who has apparently just split up with his girlfriend so was very grateful for the attention), and in Hannah, which earns a lot of raised eyebrows from everyone!

The reception eventually dissipates after 8pm, at which point the happy couple are driven away to start their honeymoon (two weeks in Penang, the lucky so-and-sos) and the rest of us disperse, us bridesmaids heading back to Viks’s home first to change out of our dresses (and our gorgeous, albeit very much ‘worn’ lingerie) before all five of us head back to Charlotte’s house for one last drink. For obvious reasons, the usual Saturday night ‘girls’ night in’ isn’t happening tonight, but that doesn’t mean that the five of us can’t celebrate the happiness of our friend.

“Two down, four to go,” Mary says with a smug smile as she downs her glass of lemonade (champagne having been denied to her due to her condition).

“And we all know who’s next, don’t we?” Hannah asks, giving me a quick cuddle. “You are going to be SO beautiful as a blushing bride…”

“She’s certainly got the ‘blush’ down!” Mary giggles, causing my cheeks to redden further.

“Stop it,” I moan. “Thought we were supposed to be celebrating Viks’s wedding, not planning mine?”

“You’re right,” Hannah says. “To Viks!”

“To Viks!” The five of us all toast.

“Sure, it won’t be long before she’s baking, too,” Mary says, rubbing her belly. “I know Joshua’s talked about wanting to be a grandfather, or great-uncle in his case, I suppose.”

“’Angels: The Next Generation’ is going to have a huge cast list at this rate!” Krystie giggles. “Little Keith is going to have his pick of all the girls he wants…”

“He’s going to marry Kristina-Leigh whether he likes it or not!” Mary retorts. “Unless he prefers number two, of course…”

“You have GOT to have picked out SOME names, surely?” Krystie asks, making Mary sigh.

“We know we want a name that begins with an ‘N’,” Mary sighs, making Krystie and Hannah squeak excitedly. “Probably Nathan for a boy, Natalie or Natasha for a girl.”

“Aww, ‘Nat Carter’, I love it already!” Hannah giggles. “She sounds like a superhero!”

“Stuart’s always said that if we have a girl, he’d want to name her ‘Olivia’, after his grandmother,” I say, briefly silencing the room. “…What?”

“It- it’s nothing,” Krystie says, shaking her head.

“No, go on, please,” I say.

“It’s just-“ Mary says. “It- it’s just we never really pictured you as a mother, that’s all.”

“Says the woman who picked me as her daughter’s god mother!” I retort, making Mary hold up her hands in mock-surrender.

“GODmother, yes,” Mary says. “It’s just- obviously, you’d never be able to, you know, get pregnant…”

“Thank you for the reminder,” I say, making Mary lower her head in shame. “Oh- Mary, I’m sorry…” I sigh, before giving the tiny Irishwoman a gentle hug.

“No, no, I’m sorry,” Mary sighs. “You’re right, I wouldn’t have picked you as godmother if I didn’t think you’d also be a good mother full stop.”

“And you know how great Stu is with kids,” Krystie says. “He’d have made an amazing mother, and you know he’ll make an amazing father too, just like Dan, just like Keith.”

“And just like Jon, inevitably,” Hannah interjects.

“God, look at us,” Mary sighs. “Talking about weddings and kids… We’re five successful, sexy women in our early twenties and it’s Saturday night, we shouldn’t be sat around a table gossiping like a bunch of old women.”

“I dunno,” Charlotte says, speaking up for the first time in ages. “I kinda like the idea that when we ARE older, we’ll still be friends, still be able to gossip like this…”

“Oh, ABSOLUTELY!” Hannah laughs. “Even if we don’t get a fourth series, we’ll all be Angels forever!”

“Sisters forever!” I toast.

“Sisters forever!” The other four girls cheer.

“And cousins forever!” Krystie toasts, pointing at Mary’s belly.

“Cousins forever!” I and the other girls cheer.

Krystie, Mary and Hannah depart after another drink, leaving me to clean away the glasses with Charlotte, who is still as quiet as she was during the drink.

“Hey, Charlie,” I say softly. “You okay? You seemed kinda quiet all day…”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Charlotte sighs. “Just- still kinda expected me to be next in the queue, you know?”

“I know, I know,” I sigh, giving Charlotte a tight hug. “And it won’t be long before Keith proposes, you know that, right? Two, three years tops.”

“If I can wait that long,” Charlotte sighs.

“You waited over a year to get him back,” I say. “That shows how mature you’ve become, especially when you think back to when we first met. Remember that red catsuit?”

“God above,” Charlotte laughs as she remembers the torturously tight garment she got me for Christmas in 2011. “Wouldn’t even TRY to get into that nowadays…”

“That’s probably for the best,” I giggle. “And you know, if you do want to get married, it IS February 29th on Monday, you could always be the one getting down on one knee…”

“Ehh… Not my style,” Charlotte laughs. “I want to be swept off my feet, you know? Look at my hands, are these the nails of a woman who does the sweeping?”

“They’re the nails of a woman who changes nappies multiple times a day,” I retort.

“Touché,” Charlotte giggles. “And I never knew you were so broody… Are you and Stuart really thinking about kids already? I mean, I know you can adopt, but-“

“We’ve looked into it,” I say, making Charlotte sigh sadly.

“It really changes your life,” Charlotte says. “Though I guess if anyone knows about having their life dramatically changed overnight with zero warning…” This time, it’s my turn to sigh sadly as I remember the circumstances of our first meeting.

“God, I can’t believe it’s almost been five years,” I whisper.

“I know,” Charlotte whispers. “And you’ve- you’ve never had any regrets, no resentment towards me for what I did?”

“None,” I say with a warm smile. “In fact, and this may sound silly, but recently, I’ve been feeling that the whole, you know, switcheroo… Did me a lot more good than it did you.”

“Despite the fact you had your genitals, well, you know?” Charlotte asks.

“I did that entirely of my own accord,” I say proudly as I subtly rub my thighs together, sighing at the sensations the action produces. “Though if I knew then how I felt now about wanting to become a mother…”

“I did offer to pay for some sperm to be frozen,” Charlotte reminds me, making me sigh. “Weird as it is thinking about you being on the ‘giving’ end of sperm…”

“Heh, I know what you mean,” I laugh. “Wouldn’t have been any point anyway, Stuart didn’t freeze any eggs… And yes, I know how weird it is to think about him ‘laying eggs’!”

“I’d have happily given you eggs,” Charlotte shrugs, making me gasp.

“R-really?” I ask. “And- and would you have-“

“’Baked it’?” Charlotte asks. “…Not immediately. But now that I’ve already ‘baked’ once… Sure.” I blink back tears as I give my BFF a long, tight hug. “This… Really means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I sigh, prompting a twinkle in Charlotte’s eyes.

“You know…” Charlotte says with a sly grin. “Keith and I ARE going on holiday next week…”

“Yes…?” I ask. “And Keith junior’s staying with his grandparents for a week.”

“But the point is,” Charlotte says, “he doesn’t HAVE to. Why don’t you and Stuart look after him instead? Prove everyone wrong who says that you wouldn’t be a good mother.”

“Umm… Are you sure?” I ask.

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t,” Charlotte says. “So… Are you up for it?” I blink twice, shocked by the offer- Charlotte’s always been protective of her son to the extent that when she and Keith were separated, she wouldn’t even let him have him for long periods of times, so for her to make an offer like this isn’t just surprising, it’s unprecedented.

“I’ll, um, I’ll have to ask Stuart,” I mumble. “He’s still laid up so he might not be up for it, you know…”

“He’s better and better every day,” Charlotte retorts. “But you’re right, talk it over with him, let me know by Monday whether or not you’ll be up for the challenge. And yes, I just referred to my own son as a ‘challenge’, but you’ll see, it gets less and less ‘challenging’ and more and more rewarding as the week goes on. That’s certainly the way my life’s felt, ever since he was born.”

“I can tell,” I say with a quiet giggle. “Both Keiths are easily the best things that ever happened to you.”

“I dunno,” Charlotte says. “They do have competition…” I giggle again as Charlotte gives me a long, tight hug, before leaving the rest of the washing-up on the side of the sink. “It’s getting late, you’d better get to bed, AUNTIE Jamie!”

“Whatever you say, MUM!” I reply, giving Charlotte another hug before heading upstairs, texting Stuart (who’s staying at his parents’ home tonight) and getting into my vast, plush bed.

My teeth chatter as I stand at the school gates, my long, blonde hair blowing in the wind and my feet jiggling nervously in my high-heeled shoes.

“Stop being so nervous,” Stuart admonishes me. “She’ll be fine, you know she will.”

“I know, I know,” I say, getting more and more nervous until the bell finally rings and a gaggle of five year old girls approaches me, each dressed in the same uniform of a red cardigan, a white blouse, a grey skirt and white knee-high socks. My heart races as I desperately search for one particular girl in the crowd, before I suddenly find myself face to face with the smiling, child-like face I feel I’ve known my whole life.

“Hey there, Olivia!” I say, giving the tiny girl a tight hug.

“Hi mummy!” Olivia says in her tiny, adorable voice that makes my heart melt.

“Did you enjoy your first day at school?” I ask, giggling as Olivia nods.

“Jamie,” Stuart says. “Your alarm’s going off.”

“I’ll be there in a second,” I say as I give Olivia another hug. “Did you make any friends?” I giggle as Olivia nods yet again, before sighing as Stuart places a firm hand on my shoulder.

“Jamie,” Stuart says firmly. “Your alarm IS going off.” I look up at my husband with confusion as the ringing noise in my ears gets louder and louder, until it dominates my entire being…

I slowly open my eyes and reach across the bed for my phone, silencing my alarm before laying back down. As I slowly readjust to reality, I feel a momentary sense of panic, wondering where Olivia is, before remembering that she’s not real- just a figment of my imagination. And yet, the way I felt when she smiled at me, the love I held for her, they felt so, so real…

As I’m visiting my parents today, I dress conservatively after showering and applying my make-up. I pull on a comfortable, short-sleeved white bodysuit and shiny, opaque black tights, followed by a tight purple turtleneck and a comfortable knee-length black pencil skirt. I wear heeled shoes as per usual, but shoes with a (comparatively) low thick 2 inch heel and a cute buckle across the top. After bidding farewell to Charlotte (and the two Keiths, who arrived here early), I get into my town car, a very plain light blue Renault Scenic, and head to Stuart’s home.

When I arrive, I sigh sadly at the sight of the other ‘guest’ car in the vast driveway. The car belongs to Emma, Stuart’s older sister, which inevitably means that she’ll be here with her own son- a boy almost as adorable as Keith junior himself. Sure enough, when I let myself into the posh home, the hall is filled with the sound of the baby’s laughter.

“Hey, Jamie!” Stuart says, slowly hobbling toward me from the breakfast room. “As you can probably hear, we’ve got guests, hehe!”

“Ah yes, the second cutest boy of the Milton family!” I giggle, giving my fiancé a slow, deep kiss.

“Don’t let Ray hear you say that,” Stuart giggles. “By which I mean my nephew OR my dad!” I giggle again, before following Stuart back to the breakfast room, where we spend the next twenty minutes fussing over the baby before heading back out to my car.

“He is SO cute,” I sigh as I help Stuart with his seatbelt.

“Okay, he is,” Stuart laughs. “And before you say anything, which I know you will, any child we eventually raise will be just as cute.”

“Indeed,” I whisper. “And… And that date may be sooner than you think.” I smirk as Stuart blinks twice, trying to process the information I’d just given him.

“Right…” Stuart says. “Obviously you’re not pregnant, and obviously I’m not either…”

“Even if you are overdoing the pizza a bit during your recovery!” I laugh, playfully patting Stuart’s belly. “But- you know how Charlotte and Keith are off on holiday tomorrow?”

“Yes…” Stuart says. “And they’re leaving Keith junior with his parents, aren’t they?”

“Charlotte’s said that if we want, we can look after him,” I say. “I’ve got nothing booked for next week work-wise… I think it’d be good for us.”

“I’m still going to be at work a lot,” Stuart says. “The band go on tour next week, it’s not something we can simply ignore. Are you prepared to be a housewife for the next week?”

“I’ve got a poodle dress, I can do my hair into a fifties style,” I shrug, making Stuart laugh.

“…Bit more to it than that,” Stuart chuckles.

“And Eilish is back from Ireland tomorrow,” I say. “If I need any help, she knows Keith junior better than anyone except his parents.”

“Well… Okay then,” Stuart says. “But only if it’s you and Eilish, okay?”

“Me,” I retort, “with assistance from Eilish only- ONLY- if I need it. Deal?”

“Okay,” Stuart sighs. “Deal!” I smile as we head onward to my parents’ house, who as always greet us with tight hugs (for me) and a firm handshake (from my dad to Stuart).

“You two look exhausted after yesterday!” Mum laughs as we sit down. “I saw the photos online, it looked like such a good day. And of course, we all know who’s next…”

“Yes, yes,” I sigh.

“Oh, come on,” dad laughs. “What girl isn’t excited by the thought of her dream wedding?”

“Oh, I’m excited,” I say. “It’s just… I’m more excited by the marriage than the wedding.” Dad chuckles as I link my fingers with Stuart, whilst mum sighs happily.

“You two are going to be SO good together,” mum laughs. “And I really hope that you do end up adopting, you’d make great parents as well!”

“If you say so, grandma!” I retort, making mum giggle even as I inwardly moan at the fact that everywhere I turn- even my childhood home, where I’M supposed to be the child- I’m confronted by tales of the joys of being a parent.

"And if you do adopt..." Dad says, before letting out a long sigh. "Make sure you don't make the same mistakes we did."

"I turned out alright," I mumble.

"Despite us, rather than because of us," dad sighs. "That's the thing about kids, eventually they become teenagers... And that's where we sort-of failed."

"Like I said, I turned out alright," I say- even though I know my dad isn't wrong in accepting blame for the turmoil I suffered throughout my teenage years.

"But nothing like we expected," mum says. "Which is no excuse for kicking you out the way we did. If you have children, both of you, for the love of god, stand by them through thick and thin, regardless of what they've done. If we only teach you one thing about parenting, let it be that."

"Okay," I whisper, smiling sadly as Stuart squeezes my hand.

"You know," my fiancé whispers, "we might be getting 'practice' there sooner than expected..."

"Go on," mum asks, the smile returning to her face as we detail our upcoming week.

Stuart and I stay at my parents’ house until late into the evening, during which mum and dad both give their blessing to Charlotte’s plan and offer their support throughout the week in case we need it. When we arrive back at Charlotte’s house, we’re unsurprised to find several packed suitcases in the entrance hall, along with bags and bags of baby supplies piled up alongside them.

“Hey Jay!” Charlotte giggles, giving me a tight hug. “I am SO getting those shoes when I get back from holiday!”

“Hey Charlie!” I say, returning my BFF’s hug. “I see you’re all packed and ready, then?”

“Yep!” Charlotte laughs. “Keith junior’s just got down for the night… Hope he recognises me when I get back with a nice, golden tan!”

“All boys know who their mothers are,” Stuart says, making Charlotte giggle even louder.

“Ooh, before we go, though,” Charlotte says. “Krystie called, and said that as all the Angels have the week off, she’s going to have the proper, ‘full’ ballet lesson tomorrow morning instead of Wednesday.”

“Bit short notice?” I reply. “What about Nikki’s gang?”

“They’ll be all busy with uni work, wouldn’t be able to come on Wednesday anyway,” Charlotte shrugs. “Hope your leo’s all washed and ready!”

“All sixty of them,” Stuart jokes, earning a playful (and very gentle) shove from me. “If you’re going to be dancing tomorrow, we should probably get an early night.”

“Especially as you’re going to be dancing then ‘mumming’ all day!” Charlotte giggles. “Come on, Keith’s got dinner cooking, we’ve got more than enough for the two of you as well.” I smile as I follow Charlotte into the kitchen, where we’re greeted both by Keith’s smile and the delicious aroma of his cooking. After eating, we spend the rest of the evening on the sofa watching TV and getting ‘coaching’ on how to be Keith junior’s parents for the following week.

Stuart and I head to bed just after 10pm, and after sharing a quick kiss and cuddle, soon fall asleep in each other’s arms.

“God, I don’t know why I’m so nervous,” I say, fidgeting in my chair. “It’s not like it’s me up there…”

“She’ll be fine,” Stuart says, squeezing my hand for support. “She’ll be perfect, and beautiful. Just like her mother.” I smile happily, but my nerves return in full as the lights in the hall lower and the curtain rises, revealing an elaborately-decorated stage. Almost immediately, two lines of young girls, each dressed identically in baby pink tutus, dance onto the stage before posing for the crowd. I, of course, immediately pick out Olivia and flash her my widest, proudest smile as she poses in her tiny, adorable costume. The music starts to play again, and I find my attention wandering as the music is steadily drowned out by the noise of a shrill sound, like an alarm…

I moan as my eyes slowly open and I find myself staring at Stuart’s slumbering, stubbly face. I giggle briefly as I hold my phone- which is still blaring its alarm- next to his ear, startling him back to awareness.

“Morning, sexy,” I purr, kissing Stuart on his coarse cheek.

“Morning, beautiful,” Stuart says with a tired yawn, before returning my kiss. “You want the shower first?”

“I’m not the one who needs to shave,” I giggle, rubbing Stuart’s cheek.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Stuart chuckles, gently stroking my arms and my legs. “Hmm… Nope, seems you’re right, you’re not the one who needs to shave. Unless…” I twitch slightly as Stuart's slender fingers draw a vertical line down my chest, sending lightning bolts of pleasure through my body as they gently dance over my clitoris...

“Stop that!” I giggle, taking several deep breaths to compose myself. “Get shaved and dressed, we’ve got a long day ahead of us!”

“A long WEEK,” Stuart corrects me as he heads to my en-suite. I lay in bed as Stuart shaves, pondering my latest dream and my parents’ words of wisdom. They are, of course, correct in saying that there’s no guarantee that any child we raise will turn out the way we hope. God knows Stuart and I have enough experience on being on the other end of that scenario. ‘Olivia’ might hate ballet and prefer football. Or, if the child turns out to be named ‘Oliver’, he might hate cars and football and prefer ballet instead. All I know is that regardless of what my child likes or dislikes, regardless of what choices they make, I will love them unconditionally, and I refuse to make the same mistakes my parents made- or allow my child to make the same mistakes I made.

After swapping places with Stuart and taking a long, cleansing shower, I check my nail polish and fix my make-up for the day before pulling on a new pair of soft pink tights and a tight black long-sleeved leotard, smirking at the feeling of going to ballet on a Monday for the first time in what feels like ages. I cover up with a knee-length denim pencil skirt and a fashionable patterned over shirt, though the skirt and the shirt quickly get stripped off once we arrive at the dance studio. After kissing goodbye to Stuart (who has to head to the hospital for one of his regular post-SRS check-ups), I head over to where Krystie is sat behind her desk with her new employee, a young Frenchwoman named Zoe.

“Bonjour, mes filles!” I giggle as I approach the two women.

“Bonjour!” Zoe shyly replies.

“Good morning,” Krystie says with an exaggerated Received Pronunciation accent (which is a far cry from her normal thick London accent). “And I am SO getting that leo when I get home, can’t believe how cold it is!”

“Sleeves for the win,” I reply, snapping the stretchy material covering my arms. “Why the lesson today instead of Wednesday?”

“I have my reasons,” Krystie says with a smile. “Besides, with people on holiday, busy with university work or ‘being a national singer’ work, it was going to be a quiet week anyway. Figured I’d get it ‘over and done with’, you know?”

“Aww, don’t say the traditional lessons are coming to an end?” I ask. Even though all of us are getting older- ‘too old to pretend to be ballerinas’, to quote some particularly unflattering tabloid newspapers- Krystie’s always managed to make the lessons a lot of fun, and they’re often the only chances I have all week to catch up with people like Nikki’s friends, or the members of Out of Heaven.

“Hell no!” Zoe giggles. “Even if I have to teach them myself!”

“They’ll just be scaled back a bit, at least until after Easter,” Krystie says. “Think just about everyone’s here…”

“Umm… It’s just me, you two, Hannah, Mary and Nikki,” I say, before noticing Krystie’s boyfriend standing off to one side. “Unless Mikey’s got a leotard on underneath his jeans?”

“No, no no no,” Krystie giggles. “Not in public, anyway!” I giggle as I follow Krystie and Zoe into the dance studio where- after Nikki and I have our buns tied, of course- I spend the next two hours dancing and exercising. Toward the end of the lesson, however, the studio begins to fill, first with Charlotte and the two Keiths, then Stuart (accompanied by Eilish and most of his male friends), then all five members of Out of Heaven, the missing members of Nikki’s gang, and- most surprisingly- Krystie and Mikey’s families- even Krystie’s older sister Megan, with whom Krystie herself barely has any contact. Joshua even shows up with a camera crew in tow.

“…Good crowd,” I say as I skip over to Charlotte in my pointe shoes.

“Yep,” Charlotte says with a smug smile. Before I can ask any further questions- as my BFF clearly knows something that I don’t- Krystie clears her throat, silencing the room.

“Ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls... And Riley and Marley, wherever you two are,” Krystie says, giggling as her two younger brothers blush from her playful insult. “If you caught the end of the lesson, you’d have seen the four beautiful young women doing a lot of leaping. Which is appropriate, as it IS February 29th today, the leap day itself. To some people, it’s just another day of the week. Especially as it’s a Monday, the suckiest day of the week!” I, and the rest of the crowd, giggle at the talented public speaker’s joke.

“However,” Krystie continues, “to other people, February 29th means much, much more. Whilst, as we all know, men and women are now equal- or at least, we girls are expected to treat men as our equals- February 29th was always a special day for us girls for one special reason…” I- and most of the rest of the crowd- gasp as Krystie coolly strides over to Mikey and slowly falls to one knee in front of the stunned young man.

“Michael Eric Dawson,” Krystie says in a nervous voice. “Will you please marry me?”

“…Yes,” Mikey says with a shocked yet happy voice, earning cheers from the crowd and a tight hug and a long kiss from his new fiancée.

“Oh my god oh my god!” Mary squeaks, bouncing over and giving the new couple a tight hug. “This is so awesome!”

“I know!” Krystie squeaks. “And yes, you’re maid of honour!” Mary lets out an incoherent excited squeak, which is only silenced when Krystie whispers in her ear.

“Thank you for permission to ‘rain on your parade’,” Mary laughs as a TV camera zooms in on her. “Krystie isn’t the only one with big news today…” The entire crowd gasps again as Mary gently rubs her belly through her leotard, eliciting yet more gasps from the crowd.

“The Angel family is growing and growing!” Joshua booms, giving Krystie and Mary a big hug each. “Congratulations to both of you!” A group hug soon follows, along with what feels like an eternity of people fawning over and taking photos of both Krystie and Mary. A party is organised- for after Viks returns from honeymoon, of course- and it’s almost 1pm by the time the crowd disperses, leaving me, Krystie, Mary and Charlotte alone with our respective husbands/fiancés/boyfriends and (where applicable) children.

“Sure, you couldn’t have even hinted to me that you were going to propose?” Mary asks her BFF, who giggles bashfully.

“You couldn’t have hinted at having another bun in the oven?” Krystie asks.

“Well don’t rush into THAT, whatever you do!” Mary laughs.

“Why not?” Krystie asks, earning quizzical stares from everyone present- even her new fiancé. “I’m serious. I’ve seen how happy Kristina-Leigh made you two, now you’ve got another one on the way… I want that happiness. I’ve already got the perfect man- well, as close to perfect as men get, anyway- aren’t I allowed to be happy?”

“Of course you are,” Mikey says, giving Krystie a long, slow kiss on her cheek. “But- can we celebrate being engaged before thinking about kids? Hell, can we get MARRIED before thinking about kids, please?”

“Of course we can!” Krystie giggles. “We’ve got the rest of our lives, after all… But I SO want to see the day when Keith junior goes to school with the newest member of the Carter clan AND the oldest member of clan Dawson-Fullerton…” …And Olivia, I think to myself.

“You two are quiet,” Mary says, snapping both myself and Charlotte out of our funks.

“Hmm?” Charlotte asks. “Oh… Just can’t wait to get away on holiday, that’s all!”

“Ah, the not-quite honeymoon,” Krystie giggles. “You two go on, get out of here. You too Jamie, or should I say Miss mum-for-a-week?” I giggle as Stuart and I follow Charlotte and the Keiths out of the office and my BFF and I head to the changing room, where I pull my skirt, shirt and heels back on.

“Are you still okay with looking after Keith junior for the week?” Charlotte asks as she slumps down onto one of the room’s benches.

“Okay with it?” I ask. “I’m really looking forward to it!”

“Good,” Charlotte giggles. “And we’ve got yet another wedding to look forward to… Another one that isn’t my own.”

“Oh god, Charlie…” I sigh, giving my BFF a tight hug as she lets out a tearful sniffle. “You WILL get there, I promise! You’re about to spend a whole week with Keith, aren’t you?”

“Well- yes,” Charlotte sighs. “I know, I’m in a much better place than I was this time last year…”

“So enjoy it,” I say, hugging Charlotte again. “And think of it this way- if you are the last of us to get married, your wedding will be the best of the lot!”

“True,” Charlotte giggles as we head back out into the reception area, where the boys are waiting with Eilish and Hannah.

“Hey, Jamie!” Eilish says. “Understand I’ve got some overtime heading my way this week?”

“You have indeed,” I say with a smile. “Han, you need a lift home?”

“Only to yours,” Hannah replies, earning a quizzical stare. “What? Everyone’s on holiday this week, it’s not like I’ve got anyone to be on holiday with, might as well spend it with the people who mean the most to me!”

“Well- the more the merrier, I guess!” I say as Charlotte picks up Keith junior in his car seat and gently hands him to me as though she were handing me the crown jewels- though they, of course, aren’t nearly as precious as the tiny sleeping infant. “Everything you need is in the bags I packed at home. I’ve got his feeding schedule pinned to the fridge, there’s plenty of, well, ‘me milk’ in there, there’s plenty of nappies too, I’ll keep my phone on just in case you need to get in touch with me, I’ll-“

“Charlie!” I giggle, silencing the near-panicked young mother. “We know what we’re doing. Enjoy your holiday!” Charlotte nods nervously and follows Keith out to his car, staring at me- or rather, the infant I’m carrying- all the way as her car gradually disappears out of sight.

“Okay then,” Hannah says. “Guess it’s just ‘three women and a baby’ for the next week!”

“Yep,” I reply, though as I load Keith junior into the back seat of my town car, it suddenly hits me that for all of my excitement and anticipation, now that the time is here and the baby is finally in my care, all I feel is nerves… And fear.

After dropping Stuart off at his work, we ‘three women and a baby’ arrive back at Charlotte’s house, where we quickly familiarise ourselves with Keith junior’s routine. The first few hours pass smoothly- the tiny baby takes his feed on time and sleeps all the way through his scheduled naptime. His final feed of the day is slightly more troublesome- he clearly misses his mother and resists any attempt I make to feed him his bottle, but once he’s in the arms of Eilish, he calms down and takes his feed without any drama, even giggling as she changes his (extremely disgusting) nappy.

Eilish also takes charge of putting Keith junior to bed for the night, though all three of us take turns in gently kissing the tiny boy on his forehead as he wriggles about before finally falling asleep.

“I have absolutely no idea how you do it,” Hannah says, pouring hard-earned glasses of wine for all three of us. “I mean yes, spending all day with cute babies is one thing, but how do you change a nappy without passing out?”

“A LOT of practice,” Eilish laughs. “I’ve got two younger sisters and loads of younger cousins, I’ve spent my whole life around babies.”

“And yet you’re not interested in any of your own?” I ask, briefly silencing the flame-haired Irishwoman.

“When I find the right guy,” Eilish eventually shrugs.

“Hear hear,” Hannah laughs.

“Says the woman who can have her pick of literally anyone in the country!” I laugh, making the tall girl blush.

“That’s part of the problem,” Hannah sighs. “Like, when everyone wants you, there’s nothing to be gained by wanting THEM… Do you know, I’ve actually had another offer of representation from Spencer & Hall?”

“Again?” I ask. “Thought you only ever get one shot with them?”

“You do,” Eilish teases. “Unless, of course, you’re the Strictly champion…”

“You have no idea how much money they offered me to do the tour,” Hannah laughs. “But some things- like my best-ever friend’s wedding- are more important!”

“Sure, I’d have done it for you,” Eilish says, making myself and Hannah laugh. “I still can’t get over how humble you are, all six of you. I took this job expecting to hardly ever see you or Charlotte but here I am, crashed on your sofa, drinking your wine…”

“Think working for Joshua must’ve rubbed off on me,” I say. “He’s always treated his employees like family or friends.”

“It’s a major reason why we’re all so loyal to him,” Hannah says. “He’s less a ‘boss’ and more an ‘uncle’. Though god help you if you screw up!”

“OR lie to him,” I say. “That really is his trigger point…”

“Much like going behind Charlotte’s back was to her,” Eilish says, remembering how her dalliance with Keith at Christmas time had nearly cost her her job.

“Okay!” Hannah giggles. “So… Let’s have a game of ‘personality Room 101’.”

“…Rules?” I ask.

“We each name the one personality trait that irritates us more than anything,” Hannah explains. “Then we decide which one is the most irritating of all, and whoever nominated it, wins!”

“Sounds fun!” Eilish giggles.

“Okay then, Miss O’Connell, you just volunteered to go first!” Hannah says, making Eilish giggle.

“Mine would have to be…” Eilish begins. “…Stereotyping. People hear me speak and they immediately assume ‘dumb Irishwoman’, like I’m someone from Father Ted or something. They look at me in my work clothes and they think ‘tomboy’, when in reality, I’d give absolutely anything to be as girly as you and the other girls…”

“Oh, we are SO giving you a makeover tomorrow after the baby’s gone to bed!” Hannah says, making Eilish giggle nervously.

“But yeah,” Eilish laughs. “I guess I’m saying ‘never judge a book by its cover’.”

“Cool,” Hannah says. “Jamie?”

“I’m…” I say, pondering my answer. “Going to say… Not giving people second chances. This rigid belief that people are incapable of changing… I gave my parents a second chance after they yelled at me when I came out to them, I gave Charlotte a second chance, I gave Stuart a second chance, and he gave me one too…”

“Cheeky,” Hannah giggles, interrupting my train of thought.

“Go on then, Han,” I say. “You get the deciding vote…”

“Mine…” Hannah says. “Is a mixture of both.” Hannah cringes as Eilish and I both groan at her indecision. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… Not giving people second chances is a real bugbear of mine. But judging people before you’ve even met them… Yeah, that’s probably my real anger source.”

“I humbly accept defeat,” I say, giggling as Eilish smugly nods her head. “Though I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you angry.”

“I don’t like being angry,” Hannah says. “Though some things… Yeah, some things don’t really leave me with much choice. And prejudice like that really drives me round the bend.” A silence falls over the room that’s only broken by the sound of Keith junior’s crying coming over the baby monitor.

“I’ll see to him,” I say, standing up only for Eilish to jump up before me.

“Oh, no no no,” the pretty Irishwoman giggles. “I won the game, that means that I get to check on him!” I smile as I sit back down, but my smile fades when I realise from Hannah’s facial expression that what we were talking about really struck a nerve with her.

“…Han?” I ask. “You okay?”

“Hmm?” Hannah asks. “Oh, yeah I’m fine, just a little tired, heh!”

“You just seem a little bummed out, that’s all,” I say. “Is- is it because, you know, all the rest of us have got partners, and kids, that sort of thing?”

“Hey, like you said, if I wanted…” Hannah says, making me smile. “It’s just this talk of ‘prejudice’ and ‘not judging a book by its cover’… Kinda takes me back to my school days.”

“Let me guess,” I say. “Everyone wondering why someone who looks the way you do would hang out with someone like Viks…?” I ask, tailing off as Hannah’s withering stare makes me realise just how catty I’m being to one of my very best friends.

“Utterly, completely, one hundred per cent WRONG,” Hannah says, making me cringe further. “If anything, people wondered why I hung out with HER…”

“Really?” I ask. “Um, don’t go into detail if you don’t want to, I wouldn’t want to intrude-“

“No, it’s okay,” Hannah sighs. “You’ve told me all about your crappy school days, after all.”

“’Crappy’ barely begins to cover it,” I snort as I remember all the pot-addled meatheads who used to use ‘James’ as a thing, rather than a friend.

“I’m not going to say I had it worse,” Hannah sighs. “But it wasn’t really THAT much better.”

“You’ve never spoken about this before,” I whisper. “Why now?”

“Because I need to get it off my chest sooner or later,” Hannah moans. “Because I’ve tried my hardest to keep my early life private from everyone, especially the sidebar of shame, at the expense of shutting out my friends…”

“I don’t feel shut out,” I say. “And if you value your privacy so much, maybe you shouldn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Hannah says. “My counsellor says it’s good to open up, anyway.”

“You- you see a counsellor?” I ask. “Since when?”

“Since our faces got plastered all over everywhere,” Hannah chuckles. “Believe it or not, I never wanted to be a SUPERmodel, I was happy the way I was.”

“…Sorry,” I say, making Hannah giggle.

“Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade this for the world, but-“ the tall girl says, before sighing. “Right. My school days. I reckon you think that I was the popular kid, dating the captain of the football team, having a gaggle of girls hanging off my every word…”

“In fairness, people probably think that about ME,” I laugh. “Well, right up until they find out about my ‘dark secret’.”

“The truth? Viks was the more popular kid. By light years,” Hannah says. “She’s the one from the rich family, she’s the really smart one who speaks three languages, she got all As in her GCSEs, she was deputy head girl, captain of the netball team…”

“You had to have been popular though, right?” I ask.

“Only because I hung out with Viks,” Hannah says.

“Kinda reminds me of me and Charlotte,” I say, making Hannah snort with laughter. “At least, at first.”

“I guess,” Hannah says. “I was HUGELY unpopular when I started secondary school. If I hadn’t made friends with Viks… God knows where I’d be now. Certainly not here, that’s for sure. All thanks to my surname.”

“What, Dexter?” I ask. “What’s wrong with it?”

“The last two people who went to that school who used that surname,” Hannah snorts. “My quote-unquote brothers.”

“I’ve heard you mention them before, but you don’t really talk about them much,” I say.

“That’s because they’re arseholes,” Hannah sighs. “Currently doing ten years each for drug dealing and armed robbery.”

“Jesus,” I gasp.

“Yep,” Hannah says. “So I start at that school, and even though they’d both long since left, it’s known I’m their sister, and it’s assumed by everyone- especially the teachers- that I’m going to be just as bad as they were.”

“No wonder you’re so anti-prejudice,” I whisper. “And no wonder you haven’t gone back to your school since becoming famous, either…”

“It’s the same headteacher there from when I started in 2004,” Hannah snorts. “The same one who looked me in my eye on my first day and said in no uncertain terms that he’d be keeping an eye on me sent me a message after I won Strictly inviting me back and promising a hero’s welcome.”

“…But you haven’t forgiven him?” I ask.

“He wanted to hold me up as an example of someone who used to be a bad girl, but who came good in the end,” Hannah sighs. “Even though I never so much as got a detention in all my time at that school, he still can’t look past my surname, even now. Once he apologises to me, THEN I’ll go. He’s shooting himself in the foot, as Viks has said she won’t go back without me either.”

“My old school’s never so much as called me or my parents,” I say. “If I ever have kids… I really doubt I’d send them there.”

“Fortunately, that’s something I’m not going to have to worry about for a while!” Hannah giggles, her smile widening as Eilish returns to the room. “The little one settled?”

“Yeah,” Eilish says as she slumps back down on the sofa. “Your fella not coming home tonight?”

“Nah, he’s sleeping at his house tonight,” I say. “He’ll be here tomorrow. Think he’s looking forward to being ‘dad’ as much as I am being ‘mum’, heh.”

“Good,” Eilish says. “So… Another round of #Room 101’?”

“Think I’ll pass,” Hannah says quietly. “Game wasn’t really as fun as I thought it was. Though I do know for a fact that Miss Hutchinson and Miss Burke have a TV that gets both Netflix AND Amazon Video, and I have a hankering to watch a movie. Maybe a comedy film, maybe something from the eighties…”

“Is this movie ‘Three Men and a Baby’ by any chance?” I ask.

“Good guess!” Hannah giggles, grabbing the remote control and snuggling deeper into the sofa. We while away the rest of the night watching the classic old film before heading to bed just after 10:30pm (Hannah and Eilish have agreed to stay overnight whilst Charlotte’s away, so they’re sharing Charlotte’s bed). I take the opportunity to dilate before settling down for the night, though Hannah’s story about her childhood is still ringing in my ears.

One concern Stuart’s often raised about us bringing up a child is what happens when they go to school and it’s discovered that both her parents are transgendered- and with our public profile, that’s something that would be unavoidable. Nikki’s told me a few horror stories about girls she’s supporting and the bullying they’ve had to endure- how could I consider myself to be a good parent if I deliberately subject a good child to that?

“Hi Olivia!” I say with a warm smile as the eleven year old girl slides onto the back seat of my car, smoothing her knee-length pleated skirt over her thick grey tights before fastening her seatbelt. “Did you enjoy your first day at big school?”

“It was okay,” Olivia shrugs.

“Only ‘okay’?” I ask. “Is- is anything the matter?”

“No,” Olivia replies. “Okay, yes…”

“What’s up?” I ask.

“The other kids, they- they say you’re a freak, you and dad, and that I’m a freak too…”

“Well you should just ignore them,” I say, repeating the advice I often received from my parents whenever I faced trouble at school.

“How am I meant to ignore everyone at school?” Olivia asks, and I don’t need to look at her face to know that she’s been reduced to tears.

“I- I don’t know,” I say as the road ahead grows distorted, twisting back round into itself…

My alarm wakes me at 7:15am and I groan, shielding my head from the noise with a pillow before sighing and getting out of bed. After showering and applying a very minimal amount of make-up (as I’m staying in all day), I dress in a pair of thick black tights and a short grey sweater dress before heading downstairs, where Eilish and Hannah- and, of course, Keith junior- are already awake and eating breakfast.

“Morning, sleepyhead!” Hannah giggles, all traces of last night’s angst seemingly erased.

“Hey girlies,” I giggle. “Well, girlies and big, strong guy, anyway!” I giggle even louder as Keith junior is placed into my arms for a cuddle- though my giggle turns into an exasperate laugh mere seconds later as the breakfast the tiny baby had just eaten comes straight back up and all over my dress.

“Eww,” Hannah grimaces. “Don’t hand him to me!”

“Oh, you pair of wimps,” Eilish laughs as she takes the baby from me and cleans him up. “Hope that dress is machine-washable, Jamie!”

“Think it’s dry-clean only,” I sigh. “It’s fine, I’ve got loads of sweater dresses, I can afford to miss one.”

“I’d say so, miss ‘millionaire celebrity’!” Eilish chuckles.

“Hardly a millionaire,” I say. “I’d better go and change…”

“Please do!” Hannah says, still grimacing at the sight of the puke on my front. I quickly head upstairs and change out of the dress, doing my best to get the worst of the puke out of it before tossing it in my dry-cleaning pile and pulling on a very old- to the point that it’s almost worn out- grey long-sleeved top and my tattiest denim miniskirt. That’s another thing about becoming a parent- not getting to wear the designer clothing that I adore.

…Not that that’s stopped Hannah from treating Eilish to the makeover she promised yesterday. Whilst I take care of Keith junior in the morning- even changing a nappy, which is a hair-raising experience- Eilish gets her hair and make-up restyled by former trainee beautician Hannah. Her normally messy, unkempt ginger hair is teased into a stylish, loose updo, whilst her face is coated with the most expensive make-up Hannah brought with her- thick eye shadow, eyeliner, false eyelashes, lipstick, the works. Eilish’s nails are reshaped and coloured with a dusky red polish, and her ‘transformation’ is completed when she pulls on one of my old designer ball gowns, which would come down all the way to the floor on the shorter woman if she wasn’t wearing a pair of my 6” platform stilettos.

Even though this is the type of makeover I get on a regular basis, and I’m always being invited to events where I get to dress up in fancy clothes, I still feel jealous of Eilish, especially as I know that if I become a mother, I’m going to be spending more time in my ‘slouchy’ clothing than in the dress the Irishwoman is wearing.

“Behold, the seventh Angel!” Hannah giggles as Eilish does an unsteady twirl in her heels.

“Sure, I’d be lying if I said this WASN’T something I’ve dreamed of, ever since I started working for you!” Eilish laughs. “Dunno about ‘seventh Angel’ though…”

“I dunno,” Hannah teases. “Viks always said the same thing about being the ‘sixth Angel’…”

“I could always put in a good word with Joshua if you’d like,” I tease. “Get you some work when you’re not needed for baby duty…”

“I don’t belong within 100 feet of ANY camera!” Eilish snorts. “Babies, on the other hand…” I sigh as Keith junior starts to cry in my arms. Eilish instinctively begins to reach for the infant, before realising her mistake.

“Whoops,” the Irishwoman giggles. “Don’t want to get puke on another one of your dresses!”

“I don’t mind,” I say as I gently rock the crying baby. “Don’t mind calming Keith junior down, that is. Puke on one of my most expensive dresses, on the other hand…”

“I- I should probably take this off now,” Eilish nervously laughs.

“NOT before a photoshoot!” Hannah says, taking out her cameraphone and taking photo after photo of the reluctant model, who eventually settles into her role and begins posing just as any of us have at any of our photoshoots.

“Beautiful,” I giggle as Hannah puts away her phone. “Now hurry up and get changed, this one is NOT calming down…” Eilish smiles and hurries into Charlotte’s bedroom, emerging a few minutes later in her trademark jeans, sneakers and turtleneck- though with her face still fully made-up.

“Here we go,” Eilish says, taking Keith junior into her own arms. “I know, I know!” Eilish gives Keith junior a kiss on his forehead, giggling bashfully at the lipstick mark she left on him. “Think he’s hungry, that’s all. Jamie, feeling up to the task?”

“I hope you mean from a bottle,” I say, making Hannah crease up with laughter as we head downstairs.

“Can- can you even do that?” Hannah asks as she catches her breath.

“Given the right hormones, I can,” I shrug as Eilish hands me a bottle and I try to feed it to the baby, only for him to resist and turn his head away.

“Huh, it’s about time for his feed,” Eilish says, gently cuddling the crying infant. “Maybe he just misses his mummy…”

“Well he’s going to need to eat at some point,” Hannah says.

“We’ll just let him get it out of his system, then give him his bottle,” Eilish says, rocking Keith junior back and forth to no avail. Twenty minutes later, the baby is still crying his head off, and even Eilish is beginning to grow exasperated.

“God above,” Hannah moans. “It’s not like it’s the first time Charlotte’s gone away for a few days… Does he cry this much when he stays with his grandparents?”

“Maybe it’s just Eilish’s makeover, he’s confused,” I suggest.

“Or maybe…” Hannah says. “What we need is MORE make-up, not less!”

“Umm… How, exactly?” I ask, before realising that I’m not going to like the answer.

“Have you ever noticed,” Hannah asks, “that without make-up, you and Charlotte look virtually identical?”

“It has come up once or twice, yes,” I answer.

“It wouldn’t be too hard to copy Charlotte’s make-up style onto your face,” Hannah shrugs. “We can pin your hair back into one of her preferred styles, spray on some of her perfume, and voila! Instant Charlotte!”

“Won’t work,” Eilish sighs. “A little boy KNOWS his mother.”

“It’s worth a try though,” I shrug, inwardly chuckling at the fact that once again, I’m being persuaded to become Charlotte in order to fool a member of her family.

Twenty minutes later, I walk downstairs wearing one of Charlotte’s casual minidresses, with my face covered in her make-up, my hair pinned back and my body covered in a cloud of her sweetest-smelling perfume. I take a deep breath before heading into the living room, and immediately as I step through the door, Keith junior stops crying.

“Told you,” Hannah says smugly. “He’s smelled Charlotte’s perfume.” I nod quietly, before picking Keith junior up and cradling him in my arms, just as I’ve seen the boy’s mother do hundreds of times.

“Hey there, cutie pie!” I coo, impersonating my BFF’s voice as close as possible. “Aren’t you such a gorgeous young boy?” I kiss Keith junior on the forehead, and for a brief second, it’s as though our deception is working… Only for the tiny boy to cry once again, this time louder than ever.

“I told you,” Eilish sighs, untying her carefully-sculpted hairdo. “You’re just confusing him. Give him to me…” I sigh as I hand Keith junior over to the tiny Irishwoman, watching as she once again ‘bails me out’- something that happens again and again throughout the day as Keith junior grows more and more unsettled at his mother’s absence. Fortunately, just after 5pm, my own stress levels disappear when I hear the familiar sound of the house’s front door unlocking, followed by a heavy shuffle across the floor of the entrance hall.

“Hey there,” I say to my fiancé, who recoils in shock when he sees my look- or rather, Charlotte’s look, which I’m currently displaying.

“J-Jamie?” Stuart asks, making me laugh even louder as I give him a long kiss. “And here you were saying that me and Charlotte looked nothing alike!”

“Oh, the wonders of make-up,” Stuart snorts, heading into the living room and taking Keith junior from the tired-looking Eilish. “How’s this one been all day, then?”

“Ugh,” I and Hannah simultaneously moan, prompting a tired giggle from both of us.

“He’s been unsettled all afternoon,” Hannah sighs. “That’s literally the calmest he’s been all day.”

“That’s because he loves his Uncle Stuart, don’t you, Keithy?” Stuart coos, gently rocking the now-calm baby boy. “Maybe he just needed a man’s touch, I dunno.”

“MAN,” Hannah and I both say, making everyone in the room- all five of us, including Keith junior- giggle.

Stuart takes over parenting responsibilities for the rest of the evening, giving us three women a much-needed break that we spend once again raiding Netflix and Amazon Prime. Stuart and I eventually head to bed just after 10:30pm, though as my fiancé’s getting into bed, I take the opportunity to sneak downstairs and drag a large pile of presents out of one of Charlotte’s storerooms, carefully arranging it on the sofa ahead of tomorrow morning. Despite the madness of my first full day as ‘mum’, I haven’t forgotten that it’s Stuart’s birthday tomorrow, and I intend to make as much of a fuss of him tomorrow as I did of Keith junior today. Fortunately, Stuart’s much more likely to appreciate my efforts than Keith junior was…

“I hate you!” I angry, emotional fourteen year old girl screeches at me before stomping upstairs in her thick, chunky platform boots.

“Olivia!” I snap, trying (and failing) to control my own anger. “Get back down here!”

“Leave me alone!” Olivia wails.

“I know you don’t like it,” I yell, “but it’s for your own good! Boys like him-“

“What do you care?” Olivia yells at me, before slamming her bedroom door in my face. “You’re not even my real mother, DAD!” I bite my lip as I try to control my own emotions, but the sound of the teenager crying in her room just grows louder and louder, until it drowns out my entire existence…

I open my eyes and stare at my phone, quickly clicking off the alarm before it wakes my slumbering fiancé. After checking that he’s still asleep, I head downstairs and, once again, find Hannah, Eilish and Keith junior awake and eating breakfast in the kitchen.

“Morning!” Eilish- whose make-up has returned to its normal ‘virtually none’ levels- says, playfully waving Keith junior’s hand at me. “Probably best I don’t take him into the living room until Stuart gets up in case he thinks the presents are all for him, heh!”

“You really do spoil the guy, don’t you?” Hannah asks.

“I spoil ALL the people I love,” I reply with a smug smile as I begin preparing Stuart’s special birthday breakfast. “Which is killing my bank account with it being Nikki’s birthday tomorrow too… Thank god neither of them are having any ‘significant’ birthdays!”

“I dunno, twenty-six and nineteen CAN be big years if you want them to be…” Hannah teases, earning a stuck-out tongue from me. After cooking the breakfast- which consists of fresh coffee, two fried eggs, four slices of toast and raspberry jam (Stuart’s favourite)- I head back up to the bedroom, where my fiancé is doing a very bad job of pretending to still be asleep.

“Oh dear,” I announce in an overly-dramatic voice. “No one’s awake to eat this delicious breakfast I spent ages making…” I giggle as Stuart, equally dramatically, yawns and stretches his body out in bed, before gingerly raising himself up into a seated position.

“Oh, looks like I’m awake to eat it,” Stuart says with a smug smile.

“You’re lucky,” I laugh as I set the tray down over his lap. “If it wasn’t for three things, you’d be wearing this breakfast right now.”

“And what three things are they?” Stuart asks.

“In ascending order: one, you’re cute,” I say. “Two, it’s your birthday. Three, most importantly of all… I love you.”

“I love you too,” Stuart says. “Looking forward to another full day of ‘mumming’?”

“I wish you could have got a day off work to help,” I sigh.

“Never going to happen, not this close to the tour,” Stuart sighs. “Besides, it’s not like I hate my job, I love it, you know that. That, plus- god, this’ll sound silly- I kinda feel guilty about last night, it’s kinda like I actually slept with Charlotte, you know?”

“Daft sod,” I laugh, giving Stuart a playful shove. “Get that down you quick, we’ve got a massive pile of presents downstairs for you!”

“You really shouldn’t have,” Stuart laughs. “’The big two-six’ doesn’t really have a ring to it…”

“No, but ‘my fiancé’s first birthday as my fiancé’ does!” I say, wiping a stray splodge of jam out of the corner of Stuart’s mouth with a napkin. “As does ‘my fiancé’s first birthday as a ‘complete man’. So get fed and get showered!”

“Yes ma’am,” Stuart laughs, finishing his breakfast before showering and dressing in his preferred jeans, sweatshirt and walking boots. I, of course, dress a lot more stylishly, but after remembering what happened to my sweater dress yesterday, I opt for the same skirt I wore yesterday with another old, long-sleeved black bodysuit on top.

Stuart, of course, is chuffed with all of his presents, which include books and DVDs (mostly to do with music or cars), new strings for his guitars and clothes, including four new ties- each of which Stuart absolutely loves. After bidding the birthday boy farewell with a long kiss, I head back into the living room, where Keith junior is happily playing on the floor under the watchful eyes of Hannah and Eilish. Yet again, Keith junior spends most of the day unsettled by the absence of his mother, with Eilish- and only Eilish- barely able to pacify him enough to take his feed. We briefly consider calling Charlotte, but we decide against it- we don’t want to ruin her holiday, after all, and Eilish’s whole job revolves around being able to take care of Keith junior, so if she admits defeat, it’d be as if she admitted that she’s incapable of doing the job we’re paying her to do.

By the time 5:30pm rolls around, all three of us are, once again, exhausted, though tonight I can’t afford the luxury of being tired. I drag my weary body upstairs, where I strip out of my skirt and my top (my earlier bodysuit having fallen victim to a puke attack) and enhance my make-up in a very similar style to the style Eilish wore last night, before tying my hair into a fancy updo, spraying on a cloud of perfume and stepping into a long, slinky dark red dress. After slipping my feet into a pair of matching stiletto-heeled pumps (it’s too cold outside to not wear tights, even if they’re nude tights), I kiss Keith junior goodbye before jumping into a waiting taxi. The black cab whisks me to Stuart’s parents’ home, which I let myself into with my key to once again be greeted by the sound of a baby’s laughter. Another ‘first birthday’ for Stuart that I’d forgotten was that it’s also his first birthday as someone’s uncle…

“Hello, Jamie!” Stuart’s mother says, greeting me with air kisses before leading me into the Miltons’ vast living room, where I sit down next to my fiancé (and his vast pile of presents).

“Hey everyone!” I say to the packed room, which includes Stuart’s father, both of Stuart’s sisters, their partners and, of course, Stuart’s tiny nephew. “Sorry I’m late…”

“Ah yes,” Stuart’s older sister giggles as she bounces her son on her knee. “You’re getting a taste of motherhood this week, aren’t you? Though, of course, real motherhood doesn’t include fobbing the baby off with a babysitter two days after you get them!”

“Yes, yes, thank you Emma,” Stuart sighs.

“And I hope it is just a ‘taste’,” Ray- Stuart’s father- says. “Christmases and birthdays were expensive enough with three children, god knows what loads of grandchildren will do to my pension!”

“Aww, but you’re still spoiling me for my 21st at the end of the month, I trust?” Becca asks, causing her father to snort with laughter. “That goes for all of you as well!”

“Yes, yes,” Stuart sighs. “Can we get through my birthday first before thinking about the next one?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth,” Ray says, leading the family out of the house. After dropping Stuart’s nephew off with his babysitter (and ribbing Emma for what she said earlier about the use of a babysitter), we head to the fancy restaurant where we eat a full meal of very rich, expensive food and talk about every topic under the sun- except the topic of raising children.

Stuart and I arrive back at Charlotte’s house just after 10pm, taking care to be quiet as the darkened rooms give away the fact that Eilish and Hannah- and, obviously, Keith junior- have already gone to bed. Stuart and I follow suit, and I’m asleep within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow, thanks to a combination of the rich food and the exhaustion of pretending to be a full time mum.

“Happy birthday to you…” The assembled crowd sings as the newly-turned sixteen year old girl stands in front of a huge, pink cake, a look of pure embarrassment on her beautiful face.

“Happy birthday dear Olivia…” The crowd sings. “Happy birthday to you!”

“Oh my god…” Olivia moans, trying to hide her immaculately made-up face in the sheer sleeve of her expensive designer dress. “Thank you, thank you all…”

“It’s not every day my little girl turns sixteen!” I giggle, giving the tall girl- almost a head taller than me- a tight hug. “Well, not so little anymore!” I smile sadly as my grown daughter blows out the candles on her cake before accepting hugs from everyone present, including her father, her grandparents and her tall, athletic boyfriend, who also gives her a long, loving kiss. My smile grows sadder and sadder as the laughter in the room grows louder and louder, eventually turning into a cacophony of white noise…

“Ugh,” I spit as my phone’s alarm wakes me from my slumber.

“Morning, beautiful,” Stuart moans, clearly as worn out as I still am.

“Morning,” I sigh as I drag my tired body toward the shower.

“You almost sound like you’re not enjoying it,” Stuart chuckles. “Being ‘mum’…”

“Oh, I still am,” I say. “Well, apart from the puke. And the poop. And the tantrums. And that’s just Hannah!”

“Hehe,” Stuart laughs. “Can’t wait until tomorrow, the girls are practising their choreography with Krystie all day so I’ve got the day free to be ‘dad’.”

“Good,” I say as I dry myself, pull on a clean bra and thong and apply my make-up for the day. “That means I can stay out late tonight at Nikki’s party!”

“Be sure to tell her happy birthday from me,” Stuart says. “How old is she now, nineteen?”

“Yep,” I say with a wistful smile. “Same age as me when I started transitioning… Won’t be long before her SRS, heh.”

“What will you Angels do without her whilst she recovers?” Stuart asks, earning a stuck-out tongue from me.

“We’ll manage,” I say as I pull on a clean (not to mention old and inexpensive) dark purple sweater dress and a pair of opaque black tights. “Most of us will be too busy being mums to be models, anyway. You heard what Krystie said on Monday, and no doubt Viks and Jon will start a family soon too…”

“That’s probably what they’re doing right now, heh,” Stuart laughs.

“Just as long as on OUR honeymoon,” I giggle, “we spend all the time not planning for babies, but instead having sex!”

“The one advantage of being in a transgendered relationship,” Stuart laughs, kissing me before heading into my en-suite. Yeah… I think to myself. Not ALWAYS an advantage…

After bidding farewell to Stuart, I head downstairs to where Eilish and Hannah are already awake and fussing over Keith junior, who is clearly still unsettled by his mother’s absence. We spend the whole morning (and most of the afternoon) fussing over the tiny boy, trying to calm him down and settle him, but by the time he goes to bed in the early evening it’s clear that Charlotte is the only thing that will truly calm him down.

“Ugh, can’t wait until Charlotte gets home,” Hannah sighs as we enhance our make-up ahead of tonight’s party.

“I think there’s one person who wants her home more than us,” I sigh. “Still, at least we can enjoy tonight!”

“A PROPER student party,” Hannah giggles as we pull on our tiny dresses and high-heeled sandals.

“Even though Nikki technically isn’t a student,” I laugh.

“Same difference,” Hannah shrugs. “My nineteenth- which Viks organised, obviously- was a student party and I wasn’t a student either!” I giggle as Hannah and I complete our looks with clouds of hairspray and perfume, before bidding the exhausted Eilish farewell and heading to the party at Nikki’s fiancée’s house.

“Happy birthday!” I say to my protégé, greeting her with a tight hug (and an armful of presents!).

“Aww, thank you so much!” Nikki squeaks. “I’m SO glad you could come tonight.”

“Hey, I’m not turning down a free party!” Hannah giggles, also giving Nikki a tight hug. “Great turnout!”

“Yeah, mostly Sarah’s friends from uni,” Nikki says. “Which just means that they’re my friends who I haven’t met yet!” Nikki, Hannah and I all giggle happily as we head toward the drinks table, and soon we’re happily dancing the night away with Nikki’s teenaged friends- all of whom are awestruck to see me and Hannah dance with them, which is a nice ego boost!

About an hour into the party, however, I become distracted by a constant buzzing from my handbag, which turns out to be my mobile phone. A quick glance at it confirms that I have numerous missed calls from our home number- with the exception of the most recent two, which are from Eilish’s mobile number. With worry starting to seep into my mind, I find a quiet part of the house to call Eilish back, who answers after the second ring.

“What’s up?” I ask the Irishwoman.

“It’s little Keithy,” Eilish says in a breathless-sounding voice. “We’re on our way to the hospital.”

“Oh my god!” I exclaim, my worry turning into outright panic. “Is- is he okay?”

“He’s got a huge fever,” Eilish says. “I tried giving him his usual medicine but it’s not working so we’re heading to A&E. Can you meet us there?”

“Yes- yes, of course!” I reply.

“I’ll text you the address of the hospital,” Eilish says before hanging up the phone, leaving in a near-state of shock. Charlotte’s left her son in my care for a week, and for all I know, I’ve got him killed…

After telling Hannah the situation- which causes as big a panic in her as it did in me- we give our apologies to Nikki and immediately get a taxi to the hospital, where we’re greeted by a distraught-looking Eilish.

“How is he?” I ask, my ability to control my emotions having long since abandoned me.

“The doctors are taking care of him,” Eilish says. “He just kept getting hotter and hotter, crying louder and louder… Sure, you’d have thought I wouldn’t have panicked so much, I’m a qualified childminder, I’m supposed to be trained for when this happens, but…”

“You did absolutely fine,” I say, giving Eilish a tight hug. “You got him here, and that’s the important thing.”

“Has-“ Hannah says nervously. “Has anyone called Keith and Charlotte yet?” I gulp as Eilish shakes her head. Obviously, as the boy’s parents, they have a right to know everything that’s happened to him, and as they left him in my care, it’s my responsibility to tell them.

I step out of the hospital and into the evening’s cold air, my teeth chattering from both the cold and my nerves as I dial the number Charlotte provided before she left. After six rings, I hear the unmistakable sound of an answering machine kick in, and I immediately hang up in frustration. However, the fact remains that Charlotte and Keith DO need to know what’s happened to their son…

I take a deep breath and redial the number, and once again, after six rings, the answering machine kicks in. This time, I don’t hang up, instead waiting for the tell-tale ‘beep’ that acts as my cue to speak.

“Hi Charlotte, Keith…” I mumble. “It- it’s Jamie. It- Keith junior’s not well, we’ve taken him to the hospital… Please call me when you get this message. I- um… I’ll talk to you soon.” I hang up the phone and let out a couple of distraught tears before composing myself and heading back inside. I’ve just become the person who’s told them that their son is critically ill… And that’s a fact they’ll never be able to forget.

“Did you speak to them?” Hannah asks as I return to the waiting area.

“Left a message,” I sigh, shaking my head.

“I’ll stay here overnight, call you if there’s any news,” Eilish says. “You two should go home, get some rest.”

“No one needs rest more than you,” Hannah says, giving Eilish a hug. “We’re staying, right Jamie?”

“…Right,” I say, conscious of the fact that I’m still wearing my party clothes- but then again, so is Hannah, and she IS the one who volunteered us to stay…

The three of us spend the next few hours in the waiting room, occasionally nodding off as doctors walk back and forth, but with no news of Keith junior. As none of us are the baby’s parents, we’re not allowed into his room to see him, so it’s a relief when Keith (senior)’s parents show up just after midnight.

“Thank you for your call, Jamie,” Keith’s mother says, snapping me back to alertness. “We’re sorry that you had to come here from your party…”

“No, trust me, it’s okay,” I reply. “This is a million times more important than any stupid party.”

“Have the doctors told you anything yet?” Keith’s father asks.

“Not yet, Mr Hartley,” Eilish replies. “They checked him over and sent him to his own room with a nurse to keep him company…”

“Well we’re here now,” Keith’s mother says. “We’ll look after him, you three should go home and get some rest.”

“Not a chance,” I say defiantly. “Not until I know he’s alright.”

“…Charlotte definitely chose the right godmother!” Keith’s mother laughs sadly, giving me a tight hug whilst Keith’s father offers his coat to keep me and Hannah warm while we wait. After the older couple head off to find the doctors dealing with their grandson, Hannah, Eilish and I head back to our chairs to try to get some rest as the long night draws on and on.

“Excuse me?” A nurse says, rousing me from my slumber.

“Yes?” I ask with clear concern in my voice. “Is there any news?”

“There is,” the nurse says, “and I’m afraid it’s not good.” I gasp as I stand up, and- with an unsteady gait in my tired legs and high heels- follow the nurse to the room, where the sight of the young woman in the hospital bed makes me break down in tears.

“Oh god,” I wail. “Olivia…”

“The lorry hit her car at almost 60mph,” the nurse explains as my mind grows more and more scrambled from the sight of my little girl comatose in the bed with wires and tubes all over her.

“Olivia…” I whisper. The sound of Olivia’s heart monitor grows louder and louder in my ears until it drowns out everything else, and I find myself falling forward as my legs refuse to support my weight…

“Jamie!” Eilish says, shaking my shoulder and waking me with a start. “Jamie, wake up!”

“What- what is it?” I ask. “What time…”

“It’s flu, Jamie,” Eilish says.

“What?” I ask, trying to shake the tiredness out of my head and stretch my muscles, which are fatigued from my awkward sleeping position.

“Keith junior,” Eilish explains. “It’s just flu. Obviously, it’s not good for him, but they’ve given him some acetaminophen and sent him home with his grandparents.”

“Wh-what?” I ask. “He’s gone home with them?”

“It’s for the best,” Eilish says. “They ARE his grandparents…”

“And I was supposed to be his mother,” I lament. “For this week, anyway… Have you spoken with Keith and Charlotte?”

“Keith’s dad called them about an hour ago,” Eilish replies. “They’ll be flying back tonight. You should get home, get some proper rest- it’s almost 6am.”

“Right,” I sigh, slowly shaking Hannah awake.

“Mmph,” the leggy blonde model moans. “Mm… Huh? Jamie?”

“It’s flu,” I say. “Keith junior- just a spot of flu.”

“Thank god,” Hannah sighs. “Are they treating him?”

“He’s already on his way home with his grandparents,” I say. “It’s almost 6am… We should be getting home ourselves.”

“I swear,” Hannah moans as she slowly stands up, unsteady on her tired legs. “I am never, EVER having children. No offence Eilish, but I really hope I never have need of your expertise!”

“No offence taken,” Eilish sighs. “I’ll get you two in a taxi back home, you’ve definitely earned some sleep after tonight!” I doubt it, I self-pityingly think to myself. All these months I’ve been desperate to be a mother, and I couldn’t even make it through a week without having to be bailed out by the boy’s grandparents.

Sure enough, when I arrive home (after dropping Hannah off at her apartment) I head to bed to try to sleep, but no matter how hard I try, I simply refuse to drop off, and I eventually get up at 7:30am, showering and applying a light layer of make-up before dressing in a comfortable black bodysuit, a pair of translucent black tights and a slouchy grey t-shirt dress. As I’m not looking after Keith junior anymore, I can afford to wear some of my more stylish designer clothing, but it seems somehow… Wrong.

After a quick breakfast I head into the living room and crash hard into my usual spot on the sofa, musing that exactly five years ago, I did the exact same thing… Only under vastly different circumstances, and I don’t just mean my gender.

‘James’ was a natural born loser. Unemployed, no qualifications, no friends, no contact with any family, short, weak and with no self-belief, and with no direction whatsoever. By contrast, ‘Jamie-Lee’ is in constant demand, rich, about to finish a degree course, successful, beautiful, engaged to the man of her dreams, in close contact with her family, has loads and loads of friends… If anything, ‘she’ has almost too much direction. By any measureable standard- especially as I’m only 24- my life is a success. I can afford to ‘coast’ for a while… And yet as hard as I try, I find I can’t, I always want to keep moving forward.

I’m snapped out of my reverie just after 9am when the front door unlocks and I hear the familiar slow shuffle of my fiancé heading toward the living room.

“Hey,” I say, interrupting Stuart’s limp with a long, deep kiss.

“Hey,” Stuart replies. “This place is kinda quiet this morning…”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “There’s kinda a reason for that…” Stuart’s face falls as I tell him about Keith junior’s illness and his going home with his grandparents, and by the time he sits down on the sofa, he has the air of a beaten man- the same feeling I had myself earlier this morning.

“That’s such a pity,” Stuart sighs. “I was really looking forward to today, my first real ‘dad practice’… Still, if he’s sick, it’s probably best I don’t have any contact with him, you know, not until I’m fully healed…”

“That’s true,” I say. “It does mean that we have today completely free, though…”

“…Is sex really what you want right now?” Stuart asks, making me snort with laughter.

“MEN,” I retort. “Grow a dick and all you can think about is sex, sex, sex!”

“I’m sat next to the most beautiful woman in the world,” Stuart says, gently stroking my nylon-covered thigh. “Yes, I’m going to be thinking about sex!”

“…You’re forgiven,” I say, before taking out my phone. “I’m going to call Mary and Dan, see if they’re free today.”

“When you say ‘Mary and Dan’ you actually mean ‘Mary, Dan and Kristina-Leigh’, right?” Stuart asks.

“Yes,” I sigh, smiling sadly at how transparent I am to the man I love.

“Sounds like a good idea,” Stuart says. “I’ve not seen any of the guys all week, we’ve been too busy working whilst you girls have been…” Stuart tails off as I shoot him a VERY disapproving stare. “…Proving what amazing mothers you’ll all be.” I giggle as I stick my tongue out at my fiancé, before we both head upstairs to change into more stylish clothes. I sigh happily as I pull on a chic calf-length grey pencil skirt and a pair of stiletto heels, followed by a clingy long-sleeved top that shows off all of my curves.

After enhancing my make-up, I lead Stuart down to my car, and within minutes we’re sat inside a posh inner-city café along with Mary, Dan and their 19 month old daughter- who melts our hearts when we see that she’s wearing a fluffy pink tutu on top of her warm winter clothing.

“Sure, she will NOT take that off,” Mary laughs. “I’ve stopped taking her to, um, ‘b-word’ lessons because she’s so desperate to start Krystie’s toddler class!”

“I can still remember seeing her when she was a few hours old,” I sigh. “Seems like yesterday, and there she is, about to start her ba-“

“Don’t say it out loud!” Dan yells, startling me into silence. “Say the ‘b-word’ out loud and Kristina-Leigh will be talking about it all week, heh!”

“She’s a natural-born performer,” Mary sighs happily. “No doubt number two will be, too…”

“I take it you heard about Keith junior?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Mary sighs, nodding sadly. “I remember when Kristina-Leigh got sick last summer, I don’t think I slept a second until she got better.”

“Neither of us did,” Dan sighs. “Still, that’s just part and parcel of being a parent, it’s not all cuddles and playing!”

“Yeah… Not sure I can handle the ‘low times’,” I say, watching with sad eyes as Dan feeds his daughter her lunch.

“You spent all night at the hospital in a party dress,” Mary chuckles. “Sounds to me like you can handle them okay.”

“I’m just not sure I want to,” I moan.

“Well,” Mary says with a chuckle, “anytime we need a long-term babysitter in future, we know who we’re calling!”

The conversation quickly (and thankfully) moves on from babies, but all throughout the lunch, I can’t help but stare over at Mary and Dan as they fuss over their tiny daughter, and wonder how they make it seem so easy. So easy, in fact, that they’re going to have ANOTHER baby in the autumn…

After Stuart’s had a brief chance to play with Kristina-Leigh, we say our goodbyes to the young family and head straight home, where we spend the rest of the day chilling out in front of the television. Even though today is Friday, and tonight should be a traditional Angels night out, the events of the week have drained me so much that all I want to do is stay curled up on my sofa, and a quick check of Hannah’s Facebook confirms that she’s had the exact same idea.

For the first time in months, I’m in bed before 11pm on a Friday, and despite my early night and lazy day, I’m almost instantly asleep.

“Hello?” I call as I head downstairs, dressed only in my nightie and dressing gown. “Hello? Is anyone here?” My panic levels begin to rise as I’m greeted only by the sound of silence.

“Anyone?” I ask. “Olivia? Olivia, where are you?” My panic increases as I search through the house, stumbling from room to room, but no matter which room I go into, all I find is emptiness.

The sound of my heartbeat in my ears grows louder as my panic increases until I finally trip over my own feet and tumble toward the floor…

“Aah!” I gasp as I awake in bed with a jolt. “Damn dreams…” I stare over at Stuart, who’s still somehow asleep, and sigh. A quick glance at my phone tells me that it’s almost 8am, so rather than try to get back to sleep, I get out of bed and jump under the shower, before applying a light layer of make-up and dressing in a tight indigo sweater, black tights and a clingy black miniskirt. It’s only as I’m brushing my hair and spraying on my perfume for the day that Stuart finally stirs.

“Morning, beautiful,” I say to the young man, gently kissing him on his lips.

“Morning,” Stuart sighs. “Planning on going anywhere today?”

“Nah,” I sigh. “Might see if Krystie’s free or if she’s still stuck in the pants of her new fiancé.”

“The latter,” Stuart says as he slowly eases his recovering body out of bed. “Think he’s taking her ring shopping. Or she’s making him take her ring shopping… You know what I mean.”

“Yep,” I reply. “I’m sure someone will be free.” I giggle as Stuart reaches a hand out of bed, firmly gripping my nylon-covered thigh. “Besides you, I mean! I’m sure a GIRL will be free. Which is something you are most definitely not!”

“Heh,” Stuart says, before shuffling toward the shower. As he washes himself before the day ahead, I slowly head downstairs, but an unexpected sound causes me to pause as I step out onto the landing- the sound of a baby laughing.

“He-hello?” I nervously call.

“Hey Jay!” The unmistakable voice of my BFF replies from the kitchen. “Come downstairs, we’ve got breakfast ready for you!”

“Charlotte?” I ask as I head down to the kitchen to find Charlotte, Keith senior and Keith junior sat around the kitchen table as though it was just another normal morning.

“There’s my BFF!” Charlotte squeaks, giving me a tight hug. “And the best godmother ever, isn’t that right, Keith junior?”

“Sure is, mummy!” Keith senior says in a joking voice whilst waving the laughing Keith junior’s arms as though he were a ventriloquist’s dummy.

“I- I wouldn’t say-“ I stammer.

“Well I WOULD,” Charlotte says, sitting me down and pushing a rich-smelling breakfast underneath my nose. “I don’t know how many people would go above and beyond the way you did. The way you, Hannah and Eilish did, I should say.”

“That’s why we’re taking you all out shopping today,” Keith says, and I can tell by the audible sigh in his voice just what he means by ‘shopping’.

“Umm, is Keith junior really up for it-“ I ask.

“It’s just a bout of flu,” Charlotte giggles, before bending down in front of her son’s face. “And you’re feeling a lot better now, aren’t you, cutie? Yes you are!” A smile quickly spreads across my face as Keith junior laughs happily at the sight of his mother smiling down on him, but despite Charlotte’s ‘absolution’, and the assurances of Keith’s parents and Mary and Dan, I still can’t help but feel that I failed during my week-long attempt to be a mother- and that I am far, so far from ready to bring up a child of my own.

As promised, Charlotte treats me, Hannah and Eilish to a shopping spree that lasts until late into the afternoon and leaves all of us giddy with excitement- especially Eilish, who’s rewarded for her hard work with yet another professional makeover and manicure. Meanwhile, Keith senior and Stuart take Keith junior shopping for toys, which- judging by the smiles all three wear upon their return- is as exciting for the big boys as it is for the little boy, especially when I see Stuart clutching bags full of videogames and Lego (which my fiancé claims- CLAIMS- is a ‘late birthday present’ from Keith).

We arrive back home just after 6pm to get ready for our traditional Saturday girls night in- and unlike yesterday, I’m feeling much more in a mood for a party, especially when I see Keith junior ‘modelling’ some of the new clothes we girls bought him today. After helping Charlotte put him to bed, we head downstairs to the slowly-building party, intercepting Eilish before she can head out the front door.

“And just where do you think you’re going, Miss O’Connell?” Charlotte asks the flame-haired Irishwoman.

“Umm… Home?” Eilish says. “Little Keithy’s in bed, his dad’s sat by the baby monitor, my work here is done, right?”

“Your WORK, yes,” I say, spinning Eilish round and taking one of her new dresses out of her shopping bags. “Your PLAY is just getting started. Go and get changed… Angel!”

“R-really?” Eilish gasps.

“Really,” Charlotte says with a warm smile. “It’s something we should have done a long time ago."

“Especially as Mary and Dan want to have a word with you about some more possible work…” I tease.

Half an hour later- and clad in a posh new cocktail dress and high-heeled shoes, like all the other women present- Eilish steps into the vast room and receives a much-deserved hero’s welcome from all present- especially myself, Charlotte and Hannah. With Keith junior happy and on the road back to perfect health, I allow myself to relax as I drink and chat the night away, taking turns with the other girls to coo over the sparkling new engagement ring on Krystie’s left hand and plan her engagement party.

The party disperses just after 12:30am, and when I head to bed, I let out a small chuckle when I see that Stuart is already asleep and snoring softly.

“Goodnight, world’s best godfather!” I whisper, gently kissing Stuart on his lips before changing into my nightie and sliding between my warm, thick sheets.

I smile as I hear a knock at the front door- a knock I’ve been waiting for all day. I quickly jump out of my chair and head toward the door, opening it and finding myself staring into the youthful, grinning face of… Myself. It takes a while for me to process the image and realise that I’m not actually staring at a mirror or a doppelganger, but am instead staring into the face of my 24 year old daughter.

“Hi mum!” Olivia giggles, greeting me with a tight hug. “Happy birthday… The big 5-0, hehe!”

“Oh, stop it,” I laugh as I return Olivia’s hug.

“And I’ve brought someone else to see you…” Olivia teases, handing me the tiny infant from the baby car seat she’s suddenly holding. “Say hi to nanna!”

“Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest thing ever?” I coo at the smiling face of my granddaughter. “Just like your mother when she was your age!”

“’Your mother’…” Olivia giggles. “Four months and I’m still getting used to that, heh!”

“You’re doing a great job with her,” I say. “She’s strong, she’s healthy…”

“She has a mother who panics every time she sneezes,” Olivia sighs. “A mother who wants to wrap her entire home in bubble wrap, a mother who takes forever just to change a nappy…”

“Remind you of anyone?” Stuart- who is suddenly by my side- asks, and I immediately realise that the young woman in front of me isn’t Olivia after all… She’s me. All of her anxieties are my anxieties, all of her hopes for her child are my hopes…

I blink twice and moan as my phone’s alarm wakes me from my latest- and hopefully, last- dream about my fictional daughter. After showering and applying my make-up, I dress for the day in an elegant, slender dress, translucent tights and high-heeled pumps.

In an irony that leaves me almost wincing, today- in Britain, anyway- is Mother’s Day, which means that Stuart and I are going to spend most of the day in our best clothes lavishing attention upon the women who gave us life. Normally, I enjoy Mother’s Day- especially as it’s the one day each year my mother agrees to doing mother-daughter activities- but this year, my experiences with Keith junior have left me wishing that the holiday never existed.

Stuart wakes up shortly after I’m dressed and pulls on a smart shirt and a pair of loose smart black trousers, along with one of the new ties he got for his birthday, before encircling my slender waist from behind and giving me a tired cuddle.

“What time are your parents expecting us?” My fiancé asks, giving me a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“Ugh… Late morning, I think we agreed,” I sigh.

“Jamie…” Stuart moans gently. “Is- is this the Keith junior thing again?"

"Who says it's a 'thing'?" I reply, before sighing. "Yes, it's the Keith junior thing. I mean- Mother's Day, of all days..."

"Mothering Sunday," Stuart says, earning a confused look from me. "My mum's kind-of a stickler for calling it 'Mothering Sunday' instead of 'Mother’s Day'. Takes forever to find a card for her."

"'Mothering Sunday' then," I sigh. "Just to rub it in further."

"You heard what both Charlotte AND Mary have said," Stuart says, gently squeezing my shoulder. "You went above and beyond the call of duty in your care of Keith junior. You WILL be an amazing mother."

"...Eventually," I say. "But not yet. I'm sorry, I know you want children yourself..."

"I want children with you," Stuart says. "That's the important thing. And in truth... I never really thought I was ready myself. I'll be ready when you are."

"Thank you," I whisper, before kissing the handsome young man and giving him a gentle hug.

"There's my BFF!" Charlotte giggles as we head downstairs. Much like myself and Stuart, Charlotte and the two Keiths are also dressed smartly for the day.

"Hey Charlie!" I say, giving the young mother a tight hug. "We can't stay long, off to see my mum first, then Stu's."

"I- I'm off to see mine before Keith's," Charlotte whispers, earning another tight, consoling hug from me. If Mothering Sunday is a tough day for me, I can't imagine what it must be like for Charlotte, whose own mother has been dead for over ten years.

"But first," Keith senior says, "gifts and cards for the best mother of them all." I smile happily as Keith hands Charlotte a large pile of presents and a huge, A4-sized card, inside which is a tiny, inky handprint.

"Oh my god," Charlotte giggles. "Thank you so much, Keith... Junior!"

"You're welcome, mummy!" Keith senior says, again waving his son's arms in time with his words.

"The first of many Mothers Days," I giggle.

"For both of us," Charlotte whispers, handing me a small, pink envelope.

"Umm... What's this?" I ask.

"Open it!" Charlotte giggles, and as her stare intensifies, I obey.

"Oh my god," I whisper, the contents of the envelope causing me to immediately burst out in tears.

Inside the envelope is a small greetings card, on the front of which is a simple message: 'For you, Godmother, from your Godson on Mother's Day.'

"It was the least we could do after all you did this week," Keith says, chuckling as I give him and Charlotte yet more tight, emotional hugs, before crouching down in front of the oblivious infant.

"Thank you," I whisper to the tiny baby, before giving him a gentle kiss on his forehead. "God, my make-up's trashed..."

"Then fix it!" Charlotte giggles. "But after all you've done for us, after all you've done for me these last five years... A card is the least you deserve."

"Thank you," I whisper, giving Charlotte her fourth hug in as many minutes. "Thank you for everything."

As I drive to my parents' home- having repaired my destroyed mascara first, of course- I realise just how truly lucky I am to live the life I live. There are people who live their whole life wanting a friendship as close as mine & Charlotte's, people who crave the love I share with Stuart... And people who live their whole lives trapped in the wrong gender, unable to become the people they want to be, the people they truly are inside. So what if I'm not ready to be a mother yet? I don't need to be. When the time is right, then it'll happen.

It's about time I stop trying to have what I want, and start trying to want what I already have.