If I hadn't been panicked enough at the thought of being a celebrity auction item ….I couldn't help but think back to Rado Mitruczeck's twisted vacuum packed beauty 'exhibit'.... my anxiety spiraled out of control when I spied a familiar face in the audience.

I whispered to the auctionee next to me, a local TV reporter, and tried to discreetly nod my head in their direction. “Do you know who that is?” I whispered. She looked puzzled but I was finally able to direct her attention. “.....With the tall blonde girl bouncing on the balls of her feet.”

She nodded. “Yes. That's Art Hawthorne. The avatar.”

“Come again?”

“The public face and voice of Lorenzo Fiore, ...you know, the venture capitalist?”
I nodded reflexively.

“Extreme recluse. Folks call him'The Wizard' because Hawthorne's the imposing visage of the little man pulling all the levers behind the curtain.”

“Oh”. was all I could reply in a very tiny voice.

Why was exuberant Ani percolating in the audience next to the public avatar of her extremely rich and powerful father? I had a bad feeling about this.

The auction kicked off with a recently ...single (dumped) local alderman who went for what I considered the staggering price of $3,700. I wasn't thinking that this was just a fun way for the 'fat wallets' to get a charitable tax deduction. The poor guy seemed quite puffed up by his worth until 'Captain Rick' of the San Leandro fire department went for $18,600. Of course Captain Rick offered to build a fire pit, host a cookout, be completely in charge of marinating the meat and instructing cookout guests on how to safely and surely extinguish the embers in the firepit.

"He can marinate my meat anytime" the TV reporter snickered to me.

Heather McAdams, the local TV reporter drew $22,300 for heaven knows what, and as the 'celebrity auctionees' kept coming ...and the drink trays kept circulating, the winning bids soared to preposterous levels. Part of me was dumbstruck at the gobs of money being thrown around by the idle rich under the guise of charitable contributions, and part of me was dumbstruck at the gobs of money being raised for those desperate, hopeful kids at Haven House.

As luck ...or some twisted machination – would have it, I was the final piece of 'celebrity meat' on the block. I was provided a pen and paper to inform the auctioneer exactly what the winning bid would get... and I handed him my torn half sheet.

“Our final item of the evening is supermodel and filmstar Katherine Keller, who will be offering.... 'An unforgettable evening ride in her Porsche Boxter and possible surprise visit to a suburban pool party and barbecue'...”

Titters from the audience ...as planned. I promised Dr Dale I would behave, but I allowed myself this one exception. I hurriedly scampered up to the auctioneer and handed him the other half of my sheet of paper... stopping to bend down to his microphone to say “Sorry. Wrong sheet.”

The audience laughed warmly at the self-effacing stunt.

“Correction...” he said - a bit flustered. “A home cooked meal ….chef and home to be determined....” He shot a querolous look at me while the audience tittered again. “Or... a full weekend for the winner and up to six guests, with Ms Keller, aboard her yacht the 'Dodge 'N Burn' to a destination of their choosing reachable within the allotted time period.”

After softening them up with the jokes, the actual 'prize' drew a stunned 'oooh' from the audience that exceeded my hopes.

The bidding started ridiculously high. $5,000. I was staggered that people would pay that kind of money to spend time on a boat they had never heard of with a celebrity who had a reputation as a holy terror. I was gobsmaked when the bidding quickly reached and soared through five figures.

Eventually there were only two bidders dueling. The sums had become preposterous even for the deep pockets of the corporate charity crowd. With the numbers they were tossing around, I was beginning to think that Haven House could give each of its kids their own tract home and a trust fund for life. This was beyond charity. This was two feuding egos dueling for bragging rights. And to my stunned amazement, I was the prize.

I was dismayed, but not surprised, to see that Paddle 67 was held by Art Hawthorne with a giggling Ani bouncing up and down and whispering in his ear.

Who kept holding up Paddle 23 was a mystery, and as the bidding got more outrageous, so did my paranoia. They did know that they were bidding for basically a meet-and-greet, posh photo ops and a chance to brag to their friends. They weren't actually getting Katherine Keller for whatever odd intentions they had in mind. They DID know that... right?

By the time the bidding topped two hundred thousand, the room was silent... apparently as stupefied as I was. Even our professional auctioneer, the model of grace and poise, seemed to be becoming flustered. This had become surreal. I was now convinced that egos were out of control and people were making offers they had no intention of keeping.

Apparently not.

By the time the bidding had reached $226,000 the imposing Art Hawthorne wasn't looking so imposing. Though it was hard to see from the stage, he appeared to be developing …nervous perspiration. …..oh, let's call it what it was: flop sweat.

Ani remained exuberant and unflappable ….or perhaps totally disconnected to the fact that she had her minion bidding sums approaching a quarter of a million dollars! Finally Hawthorne just shook off her shouted instructions, to her extreme perturberance ...and took out his phone. Clearly phoning 'the Wizard' for orders. While he was on the phone, Ani wresteled the paddle away from him.

The bidding actually got to $291,000 before he wrestled the paddle back and Katherine Keller went to the mysterious bidder 23.

“Going once. Twice. Sold.” The auctioneer glanced at his notes. “For Three hundred fourteen thousand one hundred fifty nine dollars and and twenty six cents....”

I couldn't resist. I again stormed the podium and grabbed the mic.
“...To the NERD with paddle 23! ….easy as pi....” I grinned. About eight people in the audience laughed.

I refused to surrender the microphone to the flustered auctioneer “Seriously, I'd like to thank the psycho who bought the world's most expensive boat ride – on behalf of all the kids at Haven House, who are each getting....” and in my best Oprah imitation I shouted “A new lexusssss!”

THAT brought the house down, and I breathed a sigh of relief that they got the joke. And for the one or two who didn't, I gently said “Seriously. It's an insane amount of money, but equally seriously, it will do an insane amount of good...” and the crowd got up on their feet and gave a standing ovation.... I choose to think to the mysterious Paddle 23. Who would not remain a mystery for long.