Darkness wells within my heart, the evil that stains my soul and pervades my body. I am a freak of nature, or I should say an unnatural freak. My mother abandoned me within a year of my birth.

She sent me to live with my father, most likely in an effort to fix whatever is wrong with me.

When I was six I realized I was not like the boys and not quite like the girls. I decided to ask my daddy about this and thought he would be able to tell me what to do.

"Daddy, I think I'm different." I said to my father. I was wound up tighter then a slinky on a bad day or at least I thought so. He looked at me his eyebrows scrunched together like they ran into each other. I couldn't tell if he was upset or interested in what I had to say.

"Albert, what do mean by different?" He replied with a tone of curiosity. He stared at me expecting me to answer immediately. I felt a tremor pass over my body, slowly a warm wet spot appeared on the front of my pants. "You stupid fucker!" He screamed at me when he noticed what had happened. Like lighting his foot flew towards me. I flew back on the tiled floor of the kitchen and slid until I hit the wall. Slowly a pool of pee built up around me, blood was pouring from my mouth. My body shook with sobs as I cried, trying to ignore the pain I felt in my chest and heart.

"Get you stupid ass up and clean this mess up now!" my daddy ordered. Obediently I got up and started to take my clothes off.

"No, Stay in those filthy piss stained pants you freak." I stopped undressing and started to walk towards the linen closet leaving puddles behind me as I went. Suddenly I felt an explosion of pain in the back of my head, as I lay there on the floor i heard my father say "All of your mess you useless fuck!"

Later after I had cleaned everything up, I sat in my room clutching my stuffed lion. His name was simply lion, and he was my best friend. I had accidentally burned him once, on cold winter nights I used to set him close to the space heater that was set in my room. I would wait a while and then I would snuggle up with lion.

"Lion, what am I going to do? Daddy's not gonna like it when I tell him why I am different."

I looked at lion half expecting an answer. "No lion I can't run away. I have nowhere to go and there could me meaner people out there that are not as nice as daddy."

Things went okay for awhile then I would slip up and cause an accident or destroy something. I was punished each time anything went wrong. slowly the years passed and I thought that all family's were like mine. Fail to do as your daddy commanded and you paid the price. I failed daddy often enough. I think I must have been ten when daddy got a water bed. I got the job of turning the knob for the water. I felt needed and loved, it was the greatest job in the world because my daddy gave it to me.

Well, as expected I screwed it up royally. I didn't listen and turning the water on, at the wrong time. people got wet and I got punished. I remember it as if it happened moments ago. My daddy dragged me into my room which had dark brown tiles with lighter specks of brown sprinkled on it. My roomhad been cleared for some reason I cannot remember. He turned me to face him, then as if time skipped. His fist hit my jaw snapping my head back. I hit the wall and started crying.

"Get up you stupid fuck!" Daddy screamed at me. "What the fuck do you think I mean when I say turn it on or off? well?" Spittle was flying from his mouth, his rage etched in every inch of his face. I stared at him unable to answer for a moment, then without warning his foot hit my chest and I felt as if I was flying backwards. I stopped when I hit the wall.

"Jesus Christ! can't you fucking do as your told!"

As Daddy said that he walked out of my room leaving me to lay there in my own pee and blood. I coughed, reflexively putting my hand over my mouth. I felt something hit my hand and fall to my chest. Looking at my chest I saw a bloody tooth. That just made me cry even harder.

Later that night after bath time, I was drying off. I saw my chest in the mirror, it had a perfect copy of the bottom of daddy's work boot on it. This is gonna be hard to hide I started to think to myself, then something caught my eye. I thought it was a pair of my underwear sticking out of the hamper. When I opened the hamper to push them in I noticed they were my sisters strawberry shortcake panties. I quickly looked around me like a thief braking into a bank. The coast was clear and I snatched the panties and ran back into the bathroom. I quickly put the panties, stuffing my unwanted bits back in between my legs. I could swear I look like a younger version of my sister. I quickly threw on my underwear over it and finished getting dressed. Why am I doing this, I thought. If he catches me. I shook my head trying hard not to imagine what he would do to me.

I awoke the next morning with a slight panic as I realized I slept the whole night through wearing my sisters panties. Shit! how am I going to get rid of them before he finds out? I decided to keep an eye open for an opportunity to present itself since I wasn't the greatest planner. I got lucky and was able to deposit my treasure in the hamper before I was discovered. Today, we were going over to my daddy's girlfriend's house so she could baby sit me and my sister.

I loved these days, I think her name was Debbie. A nice blonde woman, she wasn't as tall as my daddy and could rest her head on his chest when they were standing together. I walked into her living room and went to sit on the couch to watch "Creature-Feature" on T.V.. I was kinda happy because it was Godzilla versus Mecha-Godzilla. When I sat on the couch Debbie tapped my chest to get me to sit back and I let out a squeal. I immediately put my hands on opposite shoulders, so to cross my arms and protect my chest.

"Hey baby you okay?" Debbie asked confused by my reaction to her tapping me. "Is there anything wrong." I shook my head to indicate there was nothing bothering me. Debbie gave me a doubtful look.

"Let me see you chest, go on lift your shirt." Debbie told me as she motioned for me to pull up my shirt. I didn't want to do as she asked and shook my head no once more. I had to protect my daddy. After all this was my fault not his, I made it happen not him. "Come on Albert let me see it." Debbie asked again slightly irritated.

"If your dad comes back and you're hurt and I didn't do anything I'd be in trouble, so could I please look?"

I nodded and realized I didn't want her to get into trouble not because of me. Slowly I lifted my shirt, exposing my chest to her. I heard a gasp escape her lips. I began to get scared and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Please! Please don't tell anyone." I started pleading with her as hot tears rolled down my face. My vision blurred as if I was underwater. I began to feel as if I was drowning. Darkness wrapped itself around be and the world ceased to exist.

I woke up in the hospital, apparently I had passed out, Fuck!. I can't do anything right, daddy's gonna kill me for this mess. I wasn't a stupid kid just different from the others, maybe the doctors could fix me while I was here. I decided at the next opportunity I was going to ask a nurse if they could fix me. I didn't have to wait long a nurse came in a started checking me over. I looked in her eyes and tried to make her feel what I wanted to say. She cocked her head a little to the right and had a curious expression.

"You got something to say hon?" She asked. Her eyes seemed locked onto mine, I couldn't take my eyes off hers. I felt weird and kind of safe.

"I think I'm broken." I whispered to her. "something is wrong with me and I can't stop myself." tears were pouring down my face as I told her. Concern washed over her face.

"Okay first of let me introduce myself." She smiled as she said this to me. " My names Nancy, and I am a nurse here at All Children's Hospital's emergency room." She reached for my hand and took it into hers. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong and we will see what we can do. Okay?"

"Okay" I nodded at the same time I answered her. "I'm not a boy." She looked at me confused, almost as if I had grown a second head. She looked at my chart and looked at me, then the chart again. She shook her head and giggled for a second.

"Albert, according to your chart and your name I'd say your male." She paused looking at me a second before she continued. "Just out of curiosity, what makes you think you're not a boy?" She stood there with my chart in her hand a pen in her other hand.

Closing my eyes I thought about how I knew, an image began to take shape in the darkness of my mind. I saw a girl in a cute little spaghetti strap sun dress, colored in the most vibrant purple. I opened my eyes and faced nurse Nancy. I pointed to my head and said. "In here that's what I see. In my head when I think about myself I see this cute girl that seems to always have fun." I then pointed to my body, as tears began to well in my eyes.

"This isn't me, it's a mistake!" I cried as I told her my deepest darkest sickest secret. I knew I was wrong for wanting to be the girl I saw in my mind. I felt I had to be her or nothing would mean anything to me.

"I'm sorry you feel that way Albert." She said. I could see on her face she didn't care what I wanted or felt."You were born male and that's the way you're always going to be sweetie. There's nothing you can do about it."

She turned slowly walking away. She was writing something on the chart as she did, sliding the chart back where it belonged she walked from the room. I had a terrible feeling in my tummy that I had made a very, very bad mistake. Forty-five minutes later a woman in a nice skirt and peasant blouse walked into my room with a tan brief case. She was very pretty and looked
very happy with herself. I thought maybe I was wrong maybe they will fix me now and make it so I don't feel like I'm a mistake. Walking over to me, she offered her hand. I took it and shook her hand quickly.

"Albert, that's your name right?" she asked in a sweetly melodic voice. "My names Andrea Winters. I'm a child psychiatrist with All Children's Hospital." She smiled briefly when she saw my confused look. "I talk to children and help them figure out their feelings and thoughts. Psychiatrist are doctors for feelings and thoughts okay? " I dumbly nodded not really understanding. All I could see is hope that she would fix me.

She put her briefcase on the tray in front of me and opened it up. Andrea pulled out a couple of dolls made out of some soft material. One was dressed as a girl in a skirt and top combo. big black button for eyes and yellow yarn for the hair. The other one was dressed as a boy in black shorts with a red tee shirt. His eyes were blue buttons a bit smaller then the girl dolls eyes. Andrea turned to me and held out the dolls as if to offer them.

"Go ahead, pick which ever doll you want to hold." said sweetly. " I figured we could play for a little while then have a talk. Okay?" I shrugged, for at that moment all I could think about was being able to play with a real doll. I grabbed the girl doll and looked into her Button eyes pretending I was peering into her mind.

"Yes, this one please, and she says her names Alexandra." I smiled as I told her. "She's beautiful. I wish she was mine." I looked at her, giving her my best puppy dog eyes. The look on her face told me it wasn't going to happen.

"Sorry Albert, but no those are state property." she shrugged. "I wish I could but my hands are tied." I watched as Andrea picked up a large yellow pad of paper and wrote some things on it. I think it took her a couple of minutes before she put the pad and pen down. "Okay Albert, let's play a game." I looked at her with half a smile, my lips seemed to form the perfect cupids bow.

"What kinda game?" I asked eager to begin living through my doll.

"Well Albert, firstly I want to explain what a good touch is and a bad touch. Okay?" Andrea said, it made me think there was something she wasn't saying. I simply nodded my head. "You see there are certain places on your body people should not touch until your an adult and only with your permission. Do you understand Albert?" Again I nodded to what she told me. I was beginning to think she thought I was really, really dumb.

"Okay, as we play I'm going to talk to you about a few things, okay?" I looked around the hospital room to see if anyone was listening.

"Yea, I guess it's alright." I said shrugging my shoulders. Then we started playing with the dolls. Andrea spoke in a gruff voice for her doll, it sounded so funny I started to giggle. Five minutes later the questions began.