Upon reaching the Mall we pulled into the parking lot to discover the typical early pre-Christmas zoo which generally began around late November. Most of these were people who usually decided to begin just after Thanksgiving so they wouldn’t miss out on anything but this year came out two weeks earlier. I was thankful I hadn’t participated, at least until today.

Fortunately it wouldn’t become the normal pre-Christmas madhouse for two or three weeks yet. By then everyone who hadn’t been participating would join those who began early. Why so many would wait until Christmas was approaching them like a runaway express train I couldn’t understand. I generally did my shopping much earlier in the year despite the possibility of someone receiving something I had already purchased. Then again, there were enough kids involved what with all my employees that all I needed to do was switch gifts around a little which meant the office ‘Santa’ was usually covered.

As we entered the mall I had been examining the Nanny who didn’t seem to have much in the way of cold weather clothing. While we were in shopping for Cathy, I more or less ordered Nora to look for some for herself as she was likely to be spending more time here with Cathy and the weather would be cold for a number of months yet. Not just cold, but getting colder before it became warmer again. Cathy and I shopped as the nanny went off on her own to see what she could find. By the end of the first hour we had found Cathy several nice outfits for wear and shortly after that Nora came back with something draped over her arm.

“I had rather hoped you would be wearing it, Nora.”

“I didn’t want to wear it. I tried it on and it fits but I don’t have enough to purchase it. I wanted you to see it so you could help me find something like it somewhere nearby which was a little less expensive.”

“I don’t recall telling you to purchase it, just to find it. I will purchase it and I hope you found more than one. I can’t have you becoming ill from the cold when Cathy is depending on you.”

“But, I can’t possibly pay you back Ms. Stevens. This outfit alone is a week’s pay. Well ... figuratively.”

“Nora, for pity’s sake. Go find at least two more outfits. Go on. I’m buying them and I didn’t ask you to pay me back. You need to stay warm just as much as Cathy does. And put one of them on. Just bring all the tickets for it and for your booties and mittens so I can purchase them as well.”

She continued to stand there as thought she hadn’t heard a word I had said.

“Nora, are you deaf? We have almost finished our shopping so go on and find some more outfits and some boots so you won’t become ill. It won’t help Cathy if you’re sick. You also need a heavier coat. I’ll purchase everything then we can get on with the shopping we need to be doing elsewhere in the mall. I’ll just charge the expense against our profits for this job. You are a needed asset. Pick something that allows you to be warm but opens up a bit so you won’t be too hot here in the mall... especially here in the mall; I don’t understand why they turn up the heat when it gets colder outside.

Perhaps you can find something like that which I’m wearing. It’s nice and warm when we are outdoors, but zipped down like this I’m not too hot when indoors. After Santa then we’ll go to the market again. I swear those guys are going to eat me out of my house and home.”

Nora smiled, “Thank you. I’ll only be a few minutes.”

She rushed off again as I took Cathy into the dressing room to try on yet another outfit. It fit a little loose and seemed a tad long for her but that meant it would likely fit for the few months of winter, at least this year; next year would be something else again. When we came out there was still no sign of Nora.

“Mommy, will we be able to go see Santa?”

I was crouching down to fix her sleeve while attaching the strings from one of the mittens to the cuff eyelets so if she took her mittens off they wouldn’t get lost. That would let us leave them off while she was in the mall but they would still be quickly available. The outfit was unzipped, as was mine, to help her remain cool enough inside the mall. Another mother with two young girls paused nearby checking some of the outfits nearby, holding them up to each of her daughters. We caught each other’s eye for a moment and smiled at the other’s family.

“I found these over in the clearance area,” as I pointed toward the clearance tables, “There are perhaps three or four dozen more which are a little larger and they are forty percent off. It wouldn’t hurt to look.”
She smiled at me, “Thanks,” then gathered a hand of each of her daughters, leading them in the direction of the clearance tables as one of the girls said, “Mom, I liked that one.”

By this time Nora was returning with three outfits, one of which she was wearing.

“Did you remember warm boots?”

“Yes. Fur lined and on SALE.” She gave me momentary raised eyebrows at the comment ‘sale’ as she pointed back toward the shoe and boot section of the store while turning her ankle to better show off one of the booties.

We went up to the register to wait for our turn, yet another reason not to shop during the madhouse weeks, then placed our things on the counter handing the sales girl the tags from the things which were being worn out of the store. After she rang everything I gave her my corporate Am Ex since I would charge the items against James’ contract funds. Of course it would lower our profits by a whole two hundred sixty-seven dollars, but it would give me some peace of mind knowing these two were warmer and more protected against the winter weather, especially Cathy.

As we made our way to the center of the mall and ‘Santa’, we paused by the theater to see what was playing but nothing stood out as really appropriate for a three to four year old. I hoped James found something at one of the other theaters while he was looking in the paper.

The next store we passed that I wanted to shop was the jeweler. There we began looking at earrings for Cathy. I knew it might be a bit early but I thought it might be better if she had a mommy to hold her hand when her ears were pierced. Her eyes were big as saucers as she looked through the earrings. I told her we weren’t going to spend a lot of money but we would purchase some nice things for her to wear.

We found three pair of studs in 18K gold and selected one of the sets to use as the starter earrings. I explained that I’d had my ears pierced too, and although it hurt a little, it was more frightening than painful. As we sat for her piercing she began to cry in anticipation. After it was over she quickly stopped crying while I rocked her back and forth and soon she wanted a mirror to see her new earrings. By the time we walked out of the store you would never have known she had a problem. I let Nora take several pictures during the time I was keeping Cathy placated. The final picture was of Cathy using a mirror to look at the little Emerald studs now present at her ear lobes.

We continued to the center of the mall where, fortunately, we found Santa. I had been worried it might have been too early in the season for him even though this mall had always seemed to begin Christmas early.

Santa’s little Elves were maintaining control, organizing the children into a line so they could spend their few minutes with Santa. There was a convenient place for parents to stand to take photos as well as a camera set up to take Polaroids of the child with Santa for those who didn’t have their own camera. I asked for two photos, opting to save those in my Polaroid. After paying for them Nora and I went to that location which would allow me to take photos if I wanted to do so, as well as collect Cathy once she finished talking with Santa.

Soon Cathy was on Santa’s lap spilling her heart out. She proudly told Santa she had a Mommy again and thanked him for bringing me, that almost broke my heart. Then she asked for the usual things ... A new dolly so Rebecca wouldn’t be lonely, maybe a puppy (if Daddy would say okay), a new party dress so she would have something nice to wear with her new earrings, which she proudly showed off to Santa ... and a new sister if Santa would have Mommy and Daddy go to the hospital and buy one. Now my eyes were round as saucers, Nora placed her hand on my arm and was silently laughing. Santa took one look at me when Cathy pointed me out and started Ho Ho Ho’ing. I’m certain my face must have turned as red as an apple, or fire truck, or what have you. It certainly felt very warm.
Santa’s helpers brought Cathy over to me after her turn with Santa and they handed me the two photographs I’d paid to have taken. I also received a short list of the things Cathy had asked for so I could obtain them in time for Christmas. All this was given with a smile as the last item on the list was pointed out. My face was still warm, and I was beginning to have quite a few reservations about the baby sister. I quietly led Cathy to the doors leading to the parking lot, bundled her up and the three of us went out to the car with our purchases.

At the grocery I picked up more eggs, bread and a few dozen other things, not spending quite so much as I had the first time. Cathy reminded me we needed to purchase glasses which were a bit smaller so they would be easier for her to hold. In plasticware, I picked up a package of four sturdy ‘glasses’ for her to use which had designs of animals embedded in them. That made them more obviously hers and if they fell to the floor anytime, they were unlikely to shatter into a million pieces.
Once we were home, Cathy helped by carrying some of the smaller things from the car to the kitchen. After it was all put away, we went off to explore the house together. After I showed her the room she would be using and we removed the outfits which were to keep us warm while outdoors she announced she needed ‘the little room’. That took me a moment or two to decipher before I led her to the bathroom.

“Will you be okay, Cathy or do you want me to help?”

“I can do it, Mommy.”

“All right. Don’t forget to wipe; and wash your hands afterward.”

“I won’t.” she said as she closed the door. I didn’t know if she meant she wouldn’t forget or she wouldn’t wash her hands.
I waited outside the door as I heard all the appropriate noises coming from inside. Then I heard her running water in the sink. When she came out I checked the room quickly, straightened the towels and continued our tour.

Finally, I asked Cathy to come help me to bake a cake. Well, actually there would be three cakes so there would be dessert for everyone for a couple of meals (or for at least one meal plus snacks, if I knew the guys).
During the mixing of the batter she helped me read the recipe. Well, she knew the numbers anyway, some of the words were difficult but she tried to pronounce them coming up with some interesting words. We finally switched roles so I could read the recipe and gather the ingredients while Cathy stirred as best she could.

As more was added and the going became tougher I took over the stirring and she took over the pouring of the ingredients into the bowl. I had an electric mixer but somehow the cakes and things tasted better if I stirred them by hand.

After we finished mixing the batter for the last cake and removed the first one from the oven placing the two layers onto a rack to cool, the second cake went in to bake as we began the clean-up. Shortly after the third two layers finally came out of the oven and the heat was shut off, we finished the clean up in the kitchen. The icing was mixed earlier while we waited for the third cake to bake and we easily had enough for all three cakes ... Just to be certain it was perfect, we sampled it more than just once before we began frosting the three cakes. Well, we’re both chocoholics, Cathy and I ... Just- not so many samples that we spoiled our lunch.
Cathy wanted to explore the house again, so I let two of the agents and the Nanny take her around the downstairs. There was plenty for her to see and once she saw the stack of storybooks again the agents would likely be involved reading to her for a while. That gave me the opportunity to begin lunch while knowing Cathy wouldn’t be getting into any trouble. An hour later I rang the lunch bunch bell and learned that the continued exploration didn't make it past the family room and two of the storybooks. With two agents and the Nanny, they were able to put on a skit as they read from the storybook. That had Cathy in giggles and tears for nearly the entire hour. “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get you, my pretty ... ” Well, what can I say ... They used their imaginations apparently with more than one story book as their guide.

Somehow the three little pigs turned into three little princesses with a few other minor changes in characters and plot. Once she learned to read the whole thing on her own she was likely to be disappointed to learn the story didn’t have any princesses in it, nor an Emerald City ... The agents must have some imaginations if they were able to combine The Wizard of Oz and the Three Little Pigs all into one story. I guess the Emerald City took the place of the house of bricks because I didn’t find any emeralds on the floor of the family room. Obviously the Emerald City withstood the huffing and puffing. I could easily have done with a brick or two of the road though... Oh, well.

James still had not returned by the time we finished lunch so I suppose he was still having fun on the slopes. Of course Cathy eventually noticed Daddy wasn’t “home” and asked, “Mommy, where’s Daddy?” with a bit of fear in her voice as though she felt she had just gotten a Mommy back and now her Daddy was missing.

“He went skiing, baby. He should be back soon.”

“What’s skiing?”

How do you explain to a child that skiing is something people do when they strap pieces of a tree to their feet so they can go very quickly down a hill? I’m not much of a skier, nor do I wish to be. I do not, however, want to bias Cathy one way or another since there are people who really love the sport and for all I know she might also, albeit some time in the future.

“Come with me, Cathy. I’ll show you some skis and try to explain. It can be a lot of fun.”

We occupied ourselves for perhaps 30 to 40 minutes with me answering her questions as honestly as I could while attempting not to bias her against the activity. She seemed mildly interested. With James’ passion for the sport she might well take it up. As I have said before, suicide by tree doesn’t interest me, although I am not going to prevent James from following the sport nor Cathy if it interests her. That wouldn’t prevent me from worrying about her though.

It suddenly hit me that I was thinking like her mother and that I had more or less accepted that role now, following it nearly automatically. Now that was just plain scary. I also realised that I was now considering learning to ski so I could protect my baby, to whatever extent was possible, while she was out on those slopes. The idea of skiing was frightening, but the idea of not being there when she needed me was even more so. What was happening to me?

“Cathy, perhaps we might go watch Daddy ski sometime soon so you will know what happens. There is a lot to learn to be able to ski well and you need to be a little older before you can start but at least you could watch people doing it so you understand it a little more. There are other winter sports as well. There is ice skating, for instance.”

Since this was a little closer to home and much closer to medical care if needed, I felt far better about introducing her to ice skating.

Unfortunately I didn’t ice skate either, “Mommy can’t ice skate so maybe we could learn that together.”

“What’s Ice skaping?”

“Skaattting. Skating.” I corrected her pronunciation.

“Skaattering.” she said slowly drawing it out as I had in my effort to let her hear all the letters. Oh well. We would get there eventually. I guided us back into the main body of the house.

“Tomorrow morning I’ll take you to see people skating. Then maybe we’ll watch your Father skiing before we all have lunch together.”

Lynnette, you silly girl, now you need to learn to skate as well as ski. Oh well. No one ever said my life would be uneventful. I should write a book, then again, no one would ever believe it. It just isn’t possible for so much to be happening to just one person ... Then again, it was happening to me ...

Eauhh, goose-bumps all over.

“You look funny, Mommy.”

“I’m just thinking about a lot, baby.”

For instance, her calling me “Mommy” instead of “Daddy”, and I like it. It’s hard to remember that less than two weeks ago I was walking around and everyone was calling me Lyon. Just as easy as sitting down, everyone at work was now calling me Lynnette ... and I was responding to the name as though I had been born with it. I suppose, in a sense, I was born with it. It just wasn’t on my birth certificate.

Just then I found it was necessary to peel myself off of the ceiling after Cathy screamed, “DADDY’s HOME!” as she rushed toward the front door, having spotted the cars arriving and James getting out. Reaching James she gave his legs a squeeze. As soon as she released him he stooped down to pick her up, carrying her back into the house from the place near the front door where she greeted him. He came over to me, leaned over to give me a kiss then we went for a three way hug. Cathy planted a kiss on Daddy and then planted one on me. Her family was complete again. Well, almost ... I still remembered what she asked for from Santa. I still couldn’t believe I’d gone from hating James’ guts to considering being a part of that family all in less than two weeks ... I know, I know ... This is all just some weird dream, isn’t it??? Please!!! I mean, it’s okay that I want to be a woman, but ... a mother??? And before I even have a chance to decide if I like her Father???

He still grated on me a bit. But he was trying ... He quit drinking with his meals which I suppose was a pretty big concession. He didn’t drink otherwise so that was okay. He was spending more time considering both Cathy and myself and trusted me with his daughter. I pulled back from my inward reflections beginning to listen to Cathy who was describing her heroic efforts at allowing her ears to be pierced.

"I only cried a little while and Mommy was right, it didn’t hurt much, but it was scary. Then we went to see Santa Claus and I told him I have a Mommy again and showed him my new earrings. They’re a pretty green and Mommy said they’re Emrads.”

“Emrads? You mean Em- er- alds,” James corrected her.

“Yes. Emrads,” she said with great conviction, slurring her a & d but still missing the l.

“James? Does Cathy have a hearing problem?”

“I don’t believe so, but I suppose we should have her hearing checked just to be certain.”

“Daddy, come up to my room. I want to show you my new clothes and the other earrings which I get to wear after my ears heal.”

“Did you say thank-you to Mommy?”

Cathy paled as she thought about the shopping trip. She came over to me reaching up so I picked her up as she wrapped her arms around my neck,

“I’m sorry Mommy. I forgot to say, Thank-you.” She placed a wet kiss on my cheek.

“You’re welcome, Cathy. Just remember to be careful with your new earrings. We also need to clean your ears again and turn the earrings a little. Let’s go upstairs and I’ll take care of that and then you can show your new things to Daddy.”

“Okay,” her transgression immediately forgotten as she tried to drag James up to her room while I followed them, bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide and several cotton balls in hand.

This time there were no tears as I cleaned her ear-lobes. The one previous cleaning was enough to show her that it might sting a little but it wasn’t a major trauma. I was already dreading the loss of her first tooth which, as I thought about it, might not be all that far away. We needed to spend some time teaching her more of her letters and improving her simple reading so she could begin school early. No, I’m not trying to rid myself of her ... Allowing her to go to school will be more traumatic for me than for her. Oh God, here I go again ... I’m thinking of myself as her mother. I simply must find a doctor and get this show on the road. I could just imagine trying to explain all this to some doctor ...

Hi, I want to be a woman so I may marry James and be Cathy’s mother.

I think I needed to give this some thought as to exactly how to approach this subject. How do I put feelings into words? I wondered momentarily if character references from Ralph and Nicci would help? Perhaps from Cathy. I could always have the old hands come in and have a chat with him... uh... on second thought...

Having cleaned Cathy’s ears and turned the earrings once again, I left her with her Father as she began to show him her new warm winter wear and the other earrings. They didn’t come down soon, so after about twenty minutes I went up to check discovering James was reading a story to her. He wasn’t making it into a skit however. It will be interesting to see Cathy’s reaction should she have him read three little princesses and see him try to explain why there were three pigs on the cover of the book.

Thinking about the agents and Nora doing the skit for Cathy made me wish that I could have recorded it on my Akai reel to reel. I’ll need to go back to that store and take a more serious look at their new Akai video recorder. They said it was something new and much smaller than the previous version which came out last year. It even had a TV camera included. It still looked pretty big to me ... I couldn’t see myself lugging it around hunting for an electrical outlet so I could make a recording of some precious moment which would be long gone by the time I had the recorder ready.

The salesmen said Akai had partnered a few years back with some other company to put movies on tape. That might be interesting, but the price seemed a bit much just to watch movies. The demo reel they played looked a lot like a normal 1/4 inch audio tape reel except a little more silver in colour. They said it was metal tape, whatever that is. The pictures weren’t bad though and they said in a pinch, high grade audio tape could be used but the images would suffer. I wondered if they would come out with a colour version soon? Watching the tape move through the machine was scary. I was used to seeing tape move at seven and a half or three and three-quarters inches per second but this moved at least twice as fast or probably fifteen inches per second, at that rate a reel would be gone in less than twenty minutes. They said that because the metal tape was much thinner, it would be good for just under an hour. He obviously wanted a sale but I wasn’t quite ready to purchase another AKAI so soon after the first. After all, I had only used the first one three... no, make that four times in the past year.

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