The next morning a light snow was coming down as I made my early way to the office, this time I was dressed in a nice pant-suit with a paisley print blouse in darker colours and a pair of black, hopefully antiskid, low heeled pumps, very businesslike.

I called James’ office first thing even though it was still slightly before eight there. Surprise, surprise, I actually reached a live person, or at least they or it could interact with me verbally, “ I wish to leave a message for Mr. Thompson. This is Lynnette Stevens and I’m afraid that I shall be unavailable to accompany his entourage while in Vail.”

“You are Lynnette Stevens and will not be in Vail.” I could probably have received more empathy from a robot.

“That is correct. My security team shall be there and should be quite sufficient to handle any problems. I have the utmost confidence in them. Once Mr. Thompson is in the Chicago area I will be in and out long enough to handle the convention and his University obligations. The check he gave to me to cover special expenses has not been cashed and will be returned via overnight with signature receipt required.”

“The check for special expenses has not been cashed. It is returning overnight.”

“Yes.” The way whoever it was said that made me think of a check holding a boarding pass and walking onto an aircraft for the flight back to his location.

“I would appreciate it if you could give that message to Mr. Thompson.”

“The message will be given to Mr. Thompson. Time out, seven fifty-seven.”

“Thank you. Good-bye?”

“Good-bye.” click.

That was a strange conversation but at least I would be able to prove he received the his four thousand dollar check once I had the return receipt. I then typed a notice and, after using a black marker pen to title it, ran two copies on the office copier. Next I marched out to our various company bulletin boards to post them. The notices stated that the ‘pool’ was hereby dissolved, there was no us between myself and James, I would not be getting engaged nor married to either James or anyone else in the foreseeable future and all bets were off. End-of-Story!

No sooner than I had hung up than another one of those early morning calls came in. I answered the call since our receptionist wouldn’t show until eight our time and I didn’t need to add another call to our answering service. They billed by the call and even included our calls to retrieve any messages which they might have taken during the night.

“L. J. Stevens Security.”

“GoodDai to You.” The gentleman sounded quite chipper and in just four words almost screamed that he was from some part of the United Kingdom.

“And to you, sir. This is Lynnette Stevens and how may I help you?”

“Rather a small operation if you are answering your own phones, wot?”

“No sir. Just quite early. It is only just seven here. The office staff won’t be in for another hour or so.”

“Ah. I see. Very good then. I have been investing for some fifteen years and have recently decided I am in the market for a new broker. Do you have a general prospectus you could send to me? I’m interested in both the Asian and European markets.”

“Well, sir. I would love to do that but ...”

“Oh, yes; you would need my name and address for that, wouldn’t you?”

“I would if we dealt in those things sir. We ...”

“You are a Security company, are you not?”

“No sir. Not that kind of security company ...”

“What other kind is there?”

“Uh, the kind that uses bullets, sir. We deal in protec ...”

“Oh, quite. Well, I haven’t a need for that sort of thing at the moment, thank you. Should I find I need to have someone removed I should be happy to call again.” Click.

“Yes ... sir.” I hung up.

Calls like that didn’t come in very often but we did receive them. I had considered changing the name of the business in an effort to forestall more such calls but then it would likely affect business and the name would need to be changed in so many places including with GSA that it could be a nightmare. Then there would be those thousands of phone books, GSA’s own listings and clients who were relying on the many hundreds of business cards I and my agents had handed out over time so we could lose significant business due to a name change. Calls of the sort I had just entertained occurred perhaps once a month so it was easier, usually, to simply explain.

Thankfully my receptionist arrived fifteen minutes early and Nicci was hot on her heels so I left everything in their capable hands having fielded only two other calls before they arrived. One Nicci could handle so I left the information on her desk and the other I wished off on Ralph, slipping it into his in basket under the topmost piece of paper. I continued with my work reviewing the preparations for the two US and one Canadian city to which we would be expanding.

By that afternoon there were two dozen pink roses in a vase on my desk with a note that said, “see you in Vail.” Obviously he hadn’t received my message before he sent them. Tomorrow he would have his check and within a couple of days I would have my receipt. By now I was seriously considering returning the deposit as well and telling him to go hire a ‘duck’. Nicci checked with me several times about going out to try on the Burgundy gown.

“Macy’s has called and the gown did arrive last night.” she again reminded me.

I was in no mood. After I growled at her for the third time she didn’t ask again. Shortly after five she checked with me and again reminded me that the nine agents flew out to Vail as scheduled and had checked in from the lodge about an hour and a half ago. They had three rental cars and the four remaining agents had also departed this morning with the armored limo and expected to arrive sometime late tomorrow. Everyone had their credit cards and finance had transferred funds from our holding account to the working one so when the Am Ex bills came in, the accounts could be quickly settled. I liked doing it that way since account statements were better than receipts. There was also the added bonus of them never getting lost or mulched into unreadable wads by the agents, even though it cost a bit more things cost a bit more that way. There was also a certain respect my people received from the providers with whom we dealt during the course of our work which helped keep my people happy.

“That’s more than enough, Nicci. Thompson is paying for the rooms. They are sharing three to a room so we need only to rent one additional room when the guys who are driving there arrive. George has a room to himself since he is ‘head of mission’.”

“When are you flying out, Lynn? I’ll make the reservations.”

“I’m not going.”

Nicci’s eyebrows rose and lowered again just as quickly, especially after all the growling she received about going to check on the gown, “Uh ... Okay. Well, guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good evening.”

She started out just as line one began to ring. As she went to answer it I said, “leave it, Nicci. We closed twenty minutes ago so the answering service can pick it up. The guys will be calling in on the special line so it isn’t any of them. Anything else can wait until morning.”

She nodded her head, smiled, then grabbed her purse and coat, winked at me and was out the door less than seconds later. The light on line one eventually went out. Less than a minute later, line one was ringing again. Ten seconds after that line two was ringing and line one hung up. Two continued to ring as I waited for the answering service to pick it up. After a minute they still hadn’t answered the line and it was beginning to get on my nerves. I was about to pick it up and give whoever it was a piece of my mind when it stopped ringing. This time it remained silent. I completed my paperwork, grabbed my purse and coat, locked up and passed Ralph who was on his way back in after having retrieved one of our limos from city maintenance and settling some problem or another which they seemed to have come up with. I drove out of the parking lot playing slip-n-slide despite my snow tires as I entered the street before continuing on my ice crunching way with my tires sounding like they were crushing small pebbles.

Along the way, I discovered myself taking a slight detour into the parking lot of a sporting goods store which sold Skiing equipment. For the next hour or so I bummed around in the shop looking at and learning about Skiing equipment and outfits. I didn’t know there were so many different kinds of skis. Not just manufacturers, but different uses for the skis. Some offered greater control with less skill required to obtain that control. Others were made for speed but most certainly not for a beginner and required more skill which a beginner, of course, would not have. I wasn’t especially interested in those since I really didn’t want to tempt fate. There was ski wax for those whom I assumed liked to slip and slide. My only recollection of using wax was when the next door neighbor’s daughter and I used wax paper to make the backyard slide more slick. I’ll bet we gained twice the speed once we waxed the slide.

I was able to quickly confirm to myself that I knew from nothing when it came to Skiing. The salesman suggested a nice pair of red beginner’s skis, boots, poles and all the other paraphernalia a skier might ever want during their lifetime, which just might prove to be considerably shorter due simply to the act of skiing or, at least, it seemed that way to me. He told me the beginner’s skis would offer a great deal of control with little effort and without allowing me to go at speeds which I would never otherwise consider without a ton or two of protective metal around me. Skiing on a mountain with nothing between me and disaster but a snow bunny outfit was not high on my list of acceptable compromises.

He obviously wanted to make a sale right away. I wanted time to consider this insanity further before committing myself. We compromised, with him listing everything including my choices in clothing colours and gaining the promise that I would seek him out should I decide to become so committed. Suicide by tree still didn’t seem to be grabbing me. He gave me his card and the list before I returned to my car. I did at least keep them, placing them into the zippered pocket in my purse.

Now, I somehow detoured to Macy’s where I found myself going up to look at furs while that department was still open. They were overjoyed to assist me when they learned I was interested in a white Mink in at least 3/4 length. An hour later I was walking out of the store wearing a full length white Mink coat while considering my gradually depleting savings account. I was about $1700 poorer for that one transaction. I don’t know why I did it, but I decided the warmth and feel of the coat was something to which I could easily become accustomed. I paused to think about that. I was spending my own money, not James’. In fact I’d been spending a lot of my own money these past few days.

Memories of all the jewelry now sitting at home in the upstairs safe trickled past my consciousness, I deduced I was likely at least partially nuts. When would I ever need this stuff? I mean, it was great and I really felt good about it but when would I wear it? That made me remember I needed to find a doctor with whom I could talk about deciding if I was me, or if I was ME. Shivers ran up and down my spine as I realised I was still interested in the possibility of becoming ME. No, I didn’t mean for a week or two, nor for a month. I meant from now on... a new and different ME. I suddenly went through a moment’s confusion as I tried to sort my feelings, attempting to decide if I felt like a male masquerading as a female, or if I felt like a female who had been masquerading as a male for much of her life. There was no clear cut answer to that little conundrum.

“Aw man, is all this as confusing for others who are stuck on this boat?”

Neither my car nor the new coat answered me and I doubt anyone could have hidden in my purse. At this point I wasn’t about to ask someone who was just walking down the street although I probably could have had my pick since there were still quite a few shoppers out.

For some reason, I felt as though I was beginning to lean toward the latter of my considerations despite my heavy applications of all things male in the past. I was much more at ease with myself as a female, I think that should count for something but at this point I wasn’t certain just what that something might be. I did know if I was to be given the chance to remain female the rest of my life ... I was leaning toward taking the opportunity. I should have taken more photographs the few times I was dressed as a female as I grew up. Of course if my parents had found them I would have likely been burnt toast. I would now dearly love to have a deeper female history in my past, but ... well, I was so busy being Lyon for everyone else that I didn’t even try to decide who I was for me. God, even when I was potential draft fodder I went the macho route.

This whole thing seemed to be so sudden. Then again, I guessed it really wasn’t. I’d been doing this sort of thing now and then for almost twenty years as best as I could remember. Who remembers what they were doing when they were only five years old? It was only a few days ago that I had begun to admit to myself this might be the direction I wanted to go. I think the times before, it frightened me and I ran from it but for some reason I always came back and wanted it again. There might be a year or two in-between but I came back. That long period while in service to my country was a shock, actually. I still wasn’t certain what to make of that. I was surprised that it became so ... so ... natural?

Still sitting in the car I continued to rub my cheek against the fur of the coat and just luxuriated in the feel of it around me. Finally, I drove home, parked in my garage then closed the door by remote control so I could sit there again happily burying my face into the fur. I should have purchased the matching muff; it was only three hundred more.

After daydreaming for awhile about greeting my husband, whomever he might turn out to be, while wearing nothing save for this fur; I eventually came to and took myself into the house. I didn’t turn up the heat so I had that to use as an excuse to continue wearing the Mink for a few more minutes. Hunger finally told me to be more sensible. I turned up the heat and five minutes later carefully placed my Mink into the closet. I needed to purchase something in which to hang the fur so it would be protected. I could still feel that wonderful sensation of the fur against my face.

Pausing to think about myself wearing the Green gown with the Diamonds and my new Mink coat as I went out with my husband to some ritzy event left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling for a short time. I’d been smiling at the daydream before catching myself and moving on. What the hell was wrong with me? Then again, what if nothing was wrong with me except my gender? It wasn’t as if I was thinking of myself as a guy dressed like a woman. I was thinking of me ... A woman ... going out with my husband ... The love of my life ... and ... babies, young children?

“Whoa ...” This was getting to be a bit heavy, know what I mean? This was far more intense than just spending a day playing the part of a woman. This was the real deal. This was me. The real ME. Beginning to think about how I would feel when I went back to being Lyon was like ... thinking about having a root canal without Novocain, I didn’t care for the idea at all. Sitting here thinking about spending the rest of my life as Lynnette ... Well ... it was like fireworks going off and the sun coming out and life beginning as the spring flowers spread open all around me. To walk down a summer street with my daughter skipping along at my side as we went shopping. Going to PTA meetings, watching her play and taking pictures of her for her scrapbook, and for mine. My child ... my children.

These feelings were so different than when I just spent a day or two as a woman. I don’t remember how I felt about my time as a female major. I chalked that up to being so busy that I didn’t have the time to think about it. It just happened. I was Lynnette for close to two years and ... it didn’t even faze me one way or another. How was that possible? Did that mean that I was comfortable with being a female even then or did it just mean my mind was so overloaded with work that I didn’t have time to even think about it?

More recently when I did it, I could reason that it was for the business. Before that it was just a lark to see how I would look and feel. Yes, I liked it, but it was always for just a day or a few hours before I panicked and changed back. Yes, I cried when it was over ... I cried a lot. Geez, I’m a woman ... I mean, a man ... I mean ... I don’t know what I mean. My conscience kicked in just then with ‘really? You’re a man? Then why do you cry when it’s over? Why do you want it to continue? Aren’t you happier when you’re a woman’?

Look at me, fake hair, fake breasts, a man’s sexual organs ...

‘Yes. Look at you, 145 pounds, essentially a woman’s figure, soft skin, no facial hair to speak of, no girl friend but a lot of female friends who consider you to be someone in their circle of girlfriends. Your voice is still higher pitched although you do successfully force it into the lower octaves similar to a male. True, the forcing isn’t difficult but your natural voice is more feminine than masculine. Even your face is like your mother’s and her mother’s. Your brother looks like your Father, and weighs in at 235 pounds not 145. You stand 5 foot 10 inches, tall for a woman. He stands at 6 foot 6 inches, just barely taller than your father. Look at all the guys who were in your unit, all at 190 to 220 pounds and easily at your height or taller. At that time you were 125 pounds soaking wet, you’ve put on some fat, girl.’

Even now, the guys who work for you shoot 11mm or .45s, you can barely control one. You fire a wimpy 9mm or .32 auto. Sure you shoot better than they do, you must, since your bullets are less powerful. The other women in your business like working for you, not because you’re a guy but because they know they can come to you with a problem and you’ll really listen, and usually be on their side or understand their point of view. Go ahead, take off those feminine clothes and the makeup, put on one of Lyon’s business suits and go to work tomorrow as a man.’

That thought was truly frightening.

I ... couldn’t do that ... I’d been a woman for three and a half days, almost four and ... I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to finally be me. Forever.

God what was wrong with me? Why was I thinking like this? Then again, maybe there was nothing wrong with me. I couldn’t have babies, which hurt, but even as a single woman I could still adopt. I could have a little miracle to raise and clothe and love and care about. I needed these few weeks so I could decide. Decide what? Decide who I am and who I want to remain? No ... I have decided ... I’m Lynnette.

Then how do I feel about men? Would I, could I, go to bed with a man? NO. No ... Not unless he was the right man. Then how do I meet the ‘right’ man if I don’t spend the time as Lynnette in order to possibly meet the right man?
But there were so many a** ***** out there. How would I know him even if I tripped over him? Was he just going to suddenly walk up to me one day and say, “here I am, I’m the right one.”? I don’t think so, especially not with my less than stellar female past.

Questions and answers, and more questions continued to bombard me all night. I slept in fits and starts. I rested, but I didn’t. My alarm went off at 5:30 and I dragged myself out of bed having found no long term answers during my sleep, just a lot more questions. I put my hair up, covering it then turned on the water to take a shower. I washed with my perfumed soap and luxuriated under the pulsing jets as they beat down slowly relaxing my back and shoulders, I realised I had come to one conclusion ... I didn’t want someone telling me why I couldn’t be me. I wanted to find someone who could tell me why I could be me ... me ... Lynnette.

Shutting off the water then wiping down the walls of the shower, I stepped out to grab a fluffy towel, patting myself dry before powdering my body. I put on my panties and bra feeling the luxury of it lifting the breasts ... no ... feeling the luxury of it lifting MY breasts, then I put on my robe to go out to deal with my hair and makeup. Selecting one of the new skirt suits after putting on my slip and stockings, I grimaced at the thought, but put on a pair of boots to walk through the great outdoors. In order to look nice in the office I carried my low-heel pumps so I could wear them once I was inside again. That is if I didn’t walk around in my stocking feet on the carpeted floors.

My purse, pumps and I went out to the car which I had started remotely after keying the garage door open. That hopefully would have given the car enough time to warm up so I could turn on the heater and quickly have the interior warmed. I unlocked it again when I reached it. Getting in was nice. Turning on the heater had it just beginning to provide warmth but the car wasn’t terribly cold since it had been in the heated garage all night. Backing out of the garage, I keyed the door closed then alarmed the house from the touch pad next to the driveway. The light on the pad flickered on a few seconds later to tell me that the house alarm was functioning and “in the green” before I locked the cover to the pad and drove to work.
So started my fourth consecutive day as a female. The beginning of the rest of my life. I needed to tell Nicci and Ralph. They should know right away. I didn’t know what to do about telling the employees, maybe Ralph or Nicci could help me there. I simply had to find an understanding doctor with whom I could talk. I wished I had the time to start hunting right now because I had to begin to find and do whatever would be necessary to become me, the real me, the Lynnette me. God that idea felt so good.

Parking at work I shivered my way into the building missing my Mink but thankful for the rabbit jacket. Upon reaching Nicci’s desk I wrote a note and left it saying I need to talk with both her and Ralph once they were both in and before we began the day. In big letters I wrote ‘IT’S IMPORTANT’ and signed it Lynn. I’d never look at that name the same way again. Now that name was really me and not just borrowed. Or maybe I was that name. I don’t care. I was finally ME. It took me five minutes to write that simple note. I tore up nearly a half dozen before simply saying, “I need a meeting with the two of you, privately.” I took the scraps of my aborted notes into my office then closed the door. There I tore them into small pieces then dropped them in my wastebasket, old news.

I began to make notes of things to research like cross dressers and sex changes. I know there must be others like me out there somewhere. Like me, they seemed to be hiding for their own protection. How long would it take before I found a legitimate source of information? How would I know it once I found it? Too many questions and no where near enough answers.
I felt myself approaching the borderlands of the ‘Kingdom of Tears’ once again. I was hoping for a much more positive set of questions to somehow research before talking with Nicci and Ralph but they would be here long before the library opened. Then too, the library might not have anything. I likely needed to learn if there was a medical library I could peruse. Even if there was, what would I look for? How would I tell someone that I needed to look for information about becoming myself? I didn’t want to be committed just because I figured out that I was in the wrong body.

The intercom buzzed. When I answered, Nicci told me Ralph had just come in and they could meet with me any time I was ready. Ready? How does one really prepare for the rest of her life? I asked for a few minutes then took a tissue to dry my tears. Rushing over to my little washroom I quickly washed my face before touching up my makeup and returning to my desk. I sat down behind my anchor pausing for a few moments before finally buzzing Nicci, saying I was ready for them to come in. I was slipping on my pumps even as they nearly immediately entered the room.

“Hi Lynn, you look great in that suit. What’s up, girl?” That obviously was Nicci. Not just the voice but the sentiment.

“Morning Lynn. We get another message from Thompson?” and, of course, Ralph.

“Thanks, Nicci. No. He’s been quiet so far this morning. I have something a little more important to talk about and I need to let you guys know about it first.”

I’d like to say it was easy to tell them, but that would be a lie. My insecurity had me wandering all over my office as I tried to think of how to break it to them. Once I returned to my desk and managed to tell them Nicci bounced out of her chair and flew around the desk to me as I sat in the chair to which I had just returned. She gave me a long hug, bubbling the whole time. Ralph thought I was joking at first. When he figured out I meant it, he just went silent, apparently pondering the ramifications of my revelation. Nicci found her chair again but her eyes were on fire and her smile was telling me she thought it was great.

Just to be safe I told them that if they wanted to leave the company, I’d understand. I would buy out Ralph’s ten percent and give Nicci an excellent severance package and great references.

Nicci looked hurt, “You want me to leave?”

“No, Nicci. I want you to stay. I want everyone to stay, but I need to become who I really need to be and if that chases some of them away then ... I don’t want to force anyone to stay here if they don’t want to do it.”

Her smile returned, “Okay Lynn, I’ll be at my desk ... working.” She came around my desk again, hugged me a second time before she started to walk away, she suddenly stopped and came back to hug me again, this time for much longer.

“This is so great, Lynn.” She nearly bounced out of my office.

Ralph, on the other hand, was still thinking. “You know we might lose some of the guys?”

“Yes. I hope not many. I would prefer to lose no one. I was hoping the old crew would stay since they’ve met me as Lynnette many times. The Newbies all know Lynnette is the boss, so they are probably okay. The only ones I wonder about are in the middle, and that is about a quarter to a third of our staff.”

“Actually, Lynn, I thought they would be okay with it just like the original guys. I figured the Newbies would be the problem and they’re almost half our agents.”

“What about you, Ralph? Are you able to handle it?”

“Me?” he asked incredulously, “Hell yeah, I can handle it. I always thought you made a great woman. Even back in Thailand. Remember the time those kids in Nam were in the middle of everything and we needed to get them out quickly and safely? They wouldn’t even consider listening to any of the guys but when you went in and talked with them, they responded to you as though you were their long lost mother and most all of them wanted to do anything you needed. They listened quietly and then moved out to safety quietly like little lambs even though you were obviously an American. You’re great with kids. The name of the business doesn’t even need to be changed because it’s registered as L. J. Stevens Security and that could be either Lyon Jay Stevens or Lynnette Joi Stevens. When you signed the papers you wrote L. J. and your signature hasn’t changed. You have valid ID and permits in both names courtesy of the efforts of our legal beagles and your patron saints, so we could declare the one lost and just use the female ID from now on. I guess we could keep the male ID in the safe until we have the blessings of the legal department but I don’t see a problem with Lynnette staying around. Besides, we could use another female agent. That will mean we will have one at each location.”

By now I had tears in my eyes again and figured I was beginning to look like a raccoon. I got up go around my desk to give Ralph a hug, “Thanks, Ralph. This really means a lot to me.”

“No sweat Lynn. Oh, by the way, the answering service took a call after hours yesterday and we were already gone. You better buy some skis for the trip to Vail. James left a message saying, ‘if she doesn’t meet me there then I’ll be in Chicago Saturday morning and I’ll drag her to Vail by the scruff of her mink fur’. He said he wants you to meet Catherine.”

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