Looking at myself I wanted to shout every expletive I knew. I tried to remember sentences and fragments of old English, but I couldn’t, only reinforcing my unfortunate predicament. It literally was all foreign to me. I’m guessing that anything I’ve learned from a later life can’t be remembered in this one. As in fact, the only thing I could remember was that I was a man.

I couldn't make sense of what was happening to me. I wish I could just chalk it up as a bad dream but the pain in my breasts was too real to ignore. Looking around all around me was tall grass and tropical plants of all types. The humid air brought a moist feeling on my face. Something in me knew where I was, but I had a hard time recollecting.

“Kamala?” I heard a young girl yell from off the distance. Great, I thought to myself, my scream must’ve have alerted someone. I wanted to run as I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. However, where could I go? This place, familiar as it felt, was still relatively different for me.

The young girl came up to me, obviously worried about my well being. She began to speak to me in a strange foreign language.

“Kamala,” she began, “Paỵha keid cak xari?”

Something about it seemed familiar. The wording, the language, it was all coming back to me.

“Kamala?” she said, trying to get my attention. Kamala…was my name. And if I remembered correctly, this girl happened to be my sister.

“Sorry, Kanya,” I told her, “I fell out of the hammock again. It must’ve been a bad dream. Don’t worry about it.”

My eyes widened to the words coming out of my mouth. I didn't reply in English like I would if I was Kevin, but in Thai, as if I spoke it all my life. And in this case, I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t.

“Geez, you’re so clumsy!” she taunted. To my amazement I understood everything she was saying! “You better wake up! I heard there’s that today is going to be a big day!”

“Big day?” I questioned. “What for?”

“I heard that the venerable Chuan is coming to town seeking a bride,” She explained. “I heard he’s one of the sons of the great Phraphutthayotfa Chulalok.”

“The king?” I replied.

“So most people refer to him as,” she continued. “To be a part of royalty, oh it would be so wonderful!” she then looked at me and teased. “You act that clumsy though and there’s no way he’ll pick you!”

“I doubt he would pick a brat like you either,” I teased back. She just stuck her tongue out and ran off. I suppose I should head over to my house. I was starting to remember things; maybe I’ll have a better idea of what was going on once I headed there.

Noticing how quickly I was becoming comfortable with both my new body and my environment irritated me. Looking at my reflection from a rather dirty mirror only made things worse. I was as Asian as anyone else around here. My body was curved to perfection and without much inspection I could already see I was extremely attractive. I also looked rather young, like 16 or so. I suppose in this culture I could be considered a young adult, but even that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

Looking at myself I wanted to shout every expletive I knew. Yet the only thing that came out was Thai, only reinforcing my unfortunate predicament. I tried to remember sentences and fragments of old English, but I couldn’t. It literally was all foreign to me. I’m guessing that anything I’ve learned from a later life can’t be remembered in this one. As in fact, the only thing I could remember was that I was a man.

Hard to convince myself that was the case though.

My “mother” came into my room with a traditional Thai silk dress that probably cost most families an arm and a leg. That was the reason of my being here. It seems like that this Chuan kid is a big deal, and my family wanted to pull out all of the stops.

Inside I was totally repulsed by the mere idea of wearing a dress. I wanted to scream- I was a man! I don’t want some other dude checking me out! But, I learned that by becoming Kamala was I was quite reserved. It didn’t make any sense; it wasn’t as if I was timid when I was my former…future self.

It made me begin to wonder how much my life was nature versus nurture. If my parents wished it then I agreed, albeit reluctantly. I guess I’m quite indoctrinated in their beliefs as well- playing the role that my current gender was designated for. It felt like I was playing a part in a script. I can think, I can agree or disagree, but ultimately I went with the flow. It really began to bother me.

“This is my dress, passed down from my parents before me, and them before that,” my mother explained. “May our ancestors bring fortune to us today on this very special occasion.”

Looking at myself, I kind of felt a tinge of pride. I truly did look amazing. Maybe that was me feeling that; maybe that was Kamala. I quickly pushed that aside however. There was no pride in being shopped around like an item. I think even deep down the real Kamala knew that.

A crowd was huddled amongst the streets of downtown. Millions of young women, some even younger than me were on display, each wearing the most delicate and fashionable dresses their parents could afford. They all looked wonderful, but I knew that no amount of beauty could replace a life of servitude.

And there he was, riding on top of a huge elephant with his consorts riding in front of him. Looking at Chuan’s body language you could tell he was an attention whore. He cherished the pedals thrown before him, the intensity of the crowd’s cheers and wails. I saw fathers and mothers holding their daughter out in front of him, begging him to pick her. The chance for a family to obtain royal status was too much to pass up. It was just sickening to watch, and my family was no exception.

At first thought I believed these feelings were a symptom of a more modernized time which I currently resided in, but after debating it, much like my inability to speak English that my views and values as Kevin were also vague to say the least. No, these thoughts had to be Kamala’s real feelings, and I could empathize with every one of them.

I was so deep in thought I didn’t realize that Chuan was fixated entirely onto me. With a simple smirk he grabbed a decent sized pouch from his belt and threw it at my father’s feet. I knew what it was; it was a simsod, a dowry based on a young woman’s perceived wealth. Normally these things would be negotiated, but Chuan didn’t seem to be one to worry about such trivial things. Not that much mattered anyway; just by being married to royalty was value in itself.

While my father drooled at the sight of the glistening gold he just received I could only gasp in horror. Me…with him? Oh God, no! This has got to be some mistake! I can’t do this! I don’t even like you! Hell, I’m not even supposed to BE here! I’m supposed to be at home, in the future, in my body! This is such a sick joke!

“I shall prepare for her arrival within the week,” Chuan declared. “Go now, and celebrate with your family.”
With that he turned to ride off; his escorts following him. This seriously couldn’t be happening. Somebody, wake me up from this nightmare!

And so I became the talk of the town. Gossip spread quickly as the locals began to refer to me as “Princess,” and “highness.” I just wanted to shut myself off from the world. This was too much. I was overwhelmed as it was- I had a new body, a new language, a new family, a new standard of living, and immediately I was thrown into the fire without any say in the matter.

There was no way I wanted anything to do with that man, and it wasn’t just because inside I knew I wasn’t a girl to begin with. I truly believed Kamala didn’t want him either. He didn’t know me! He was just some snobbish little boy who always gets what he wants! True love was something more than a dowry. I’m not some piece of meat!

Whoa, whoa, I thought to myself. I need to stop thinking as if I’m her. The lines were getting blurrier and blurrier as it is. I have to remember I had a life of my own, and while I feel sorry for her, this means nothing to me. My focus should be trying my best to get out of here and back to my own self!

My face staring at the ceiling I let out a long sigh. That was easier said than done.

“So, they’re calling you princess now?” I heard a voice off to my side quip. Slightly startled, I turned over to the window to see a young woman about my age climbing in from it. She seemed awfully familiar…

From my jumbled head I blurted out her name. “Anvea!” I cried as I ran over to her. She seemed to mean something to me. It was an unusual feeling.

It all made sense as she pulled me over for a deep, passionate kiss. All these foreign memories began to pour into my head. I couldn't place myself in those moment we had together, but somehow I could remember I was there.

“Kamala,” she whispered worriedly into my ear. She then pulled me from her embrace, seemingly concerned over the connotations such behavior held. From what my, or at least, Kamala's memories could tell me was it wasn't her lesbianism that scared her.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I…” she began, “I don’t know if I should be doing this. Not after you’ve been chosen.”

“Anvea…” I replied.

“So what’s it like?” she asked. “being a part of royalty.”

I shook my head as I responded. “I hate it. I didn’t want this. I don’t have any interest for him! Why did he pick me?”

“He probably sees the same things I see,” she believed.

“I think the only things he sees are wrapped behind my clothes,” I quipped, holding in firm grasp my breasts. I can’t believe I was thinking like this!

“Well,” she seductively replied, “those are some nice things too.” I couldn’t help but fall into her embrace as she disrobed me. This must’ve been something we did several times before, because I had total trust in her. I loved her.

“You’re the only thing I want, Anvea,” I told her as I stood bare in front of her. “Ever since we were little girls I knew we were soulmates. I…I don’t want it to be this way.”

“Shhhh,” she replied, with tears in her eyes, “let this night be one we’ll never forget.”

I never felt this way before. No dream could have accomplished what I just felt. Even the sex I felt as a man seemed mechanical, more like a function. This…this was passion, all the way through my body and into the very essence of my soul. For a moment, my thoughts…my fears, seemed to have vanished. All I wanted to do is let go and let myself go as I washed myself in the intense pleasure I felt deep within the core of my being. I only wished it could go on forever.

Sadly all good things must come to an end. As the sensations began to wear so too did my thoughts return- this time with a vengeance. Laying on my bed I slowly stroked my lover’s hair, thinking, contemplating. I didn’t know what to do. It would be wonderful if I could run away with her, going wherever the wind would take us. But was it possible? Chuan was royalty, and had more than just a silver tongue and a pouch of gold in his arsenal. If he wanted he could use his military to hunt me down to the ends of the earth, and although I knew I was pretty resourceful, I had no idea where to go or who to trust if I decided to do such a thing.

Anvea got up and started to put on her clothes. “I must leave,” she told me. “I hope you don’t forget me, Kamala.”

Forget her? I don’t think I could live without her! I reached out for her hand, wishing for her to grab it, but she never noticed. She climbed out the window, leaving me to my uncontrollable fate.

For all the wonderful feelings I had that night, the end of it left me in tears. I just didn’t know what to do. Do I fight for love, or do I do my family proud? I would literally disgrace my entire lineage if I did such a thing. But was it wrong to be happy? Would my ancestry shun such selfishness?

Just stop having me wrestle with these thoughts! I screamed inside my head. Please just wake me up! Please!
Pounding on my pillow, I was quickly becoming fatigued by all the emotion. I didn’t care anymore, whether it was waking up or falling asleep- I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

No sooner did I fall asleep my eyes popped wide open. The first thing I instinctively did was pat down my chest. Flat. My eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room, I realized I was back inside Anub’s room, in my old, male body. I couldn’t help but feel as if I was still floating on thin air, sort of like tripping out on some recreational drugs- or at least that’s what I assumed.

Taking a few minutes to get my bearings straight, I regained enough composure to finally leave the place. Taking a step outside, I realized that the sun had set. I also realized that Dr. Singh was no longer in the facility. It was quite odd as you would think most therapists would stay with their patients for as long as necessary. Of course that’s to say he was some ordinary therapist.

“I see you are awake,” I heard a young woman’s voice calling out from the end of the hallway It was a young Indian girl, I would say in her mid to late 20’s, seemingly dusting off some of the office’s furniture.

“And you are?” I wondered as I walked up to her.

“I’m Vera,” she stated, “I’m Dr. Singh’s granddaughter. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Where did he go?” I asked rather bluntly.

“He decided it be wise to give you your space while on your journey,” she explained. “Don’t be alarmed. Sometimes patients can be out for days on end. It’s perfectly normal.”

“Days!?” I replied, shocked. “And how long was I out for?”

“Only a couple of hours,” she replied. “If you wish you can stay here and sleep off the haze you’re probably feeling. Traveling to your past lives can initially take a lot out of you.”

“Thanks,” I told her, “but I think I’ve spent enough time here for one day. I ought to be getting home.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“It’s not a long walk,” I stated. “Take care.”

As I closed the door behind me and began to make my way back home I began to reflect on all that occurred. That was no dream. I was able to remember every detail vividly, from my name down to my dilemma. But what did it all mean? What exactly happened in my previous life that made me into the mess I was now?

My mind was more distracted than a driver texting on a cell phone. I didn’t even bother greeting my parents as I walked through the door. I could only lay on my bed and wonder- wonder where all of this was leading to, and furthermore, how it will fix the problems I had at present.