Chapter 3

Another toy, I got the Christmas when I was five was a toy stove and oven. It came with pots and pans so that I could pretend I was cooking stuff. My older brother hated that I got that toy. I remember all the comments he would make about it because he would say them every time that home movie was shown.

I remember using the towels when I would swim in the summer as sarong dresses and long hair. Of course this was usually by our little kid pool. I was not much for swimming until we got our above ground pool when my family lived in Lawrence. I remember until then I never liked to get in water too much higher than my knees. I vaguely remember my first swimming lesson when I was three and going under the water because I cannot float. A friend of mine that I met in my college days had the same problem.

We moved to the house in Lawrence on July 5, 1974. It was a nice four bedroom house. Two story split level. At the time we bought the house it was Charcoal Grey with White shutters. We were on top of the hill. My brother and I were terrified of flooding because the house in Middlesex was in a flood area. I remember using a rowboat to float down to the street towards my aunt's house. I remember all the washing of toys and records after the floods receded. This was one of the reasons we moved, the second was that my dad did not want to commute to work anymore. He worked in Trenton, for the State. He was also closer to his mother and she ended up babying him again.

It took me a little while to get used to the kids, but I made several friends in my development. Fourth Grade was an experience for me. I had to get used to going to all my different classes. I loved it at Eldridge Park School. For Christmas, I got a Hardy Boys book which I did not really like. Too much rough and tough. I guess my family was still trying to make a man out of me. A year or two later, I talked my mother into getting me a Nancy Drew book. As I remember it was The Clue in the Diary. I loved it. I loved how she used her brains and wits to get out of situations. My other favorite books to read was The Little House series. I loved following Laura's adventures.

It was during chess lessons, I met one of my closest friends. She is transgendered like me except we both hid it from each other. I have since reconnected with her and we are still the same with each other. I remember my mother would always say my friend and I were a lot alike. Makes me wonder what my mother saw. Of course, my mother would say during my teen years that I would make some man a wonderful housewife.

All through school, I would make one close male friend but would hang around with the girls more. It was easier for me to talk with and relate to girls than boys. When I was around boys, I always felt like I had to think how to act with them. I was also very quiet and gentle. A general comment that fellow students would write in my yearbook was that I was sweet. My mother's favorite adjective for me at the time was delicate or if she was among her Italian friends delicato. Not a very masculine way to refer to me I guess.

Around the time I was nine, my mother noticed that I did not like to touch my penis when I was washing. I did not like the sensation I got from it. She told me it would fall off if I did not keep it clean. So of course I wanted to find out if it would. It did not and I was relieved as I would not have to see the blood. But looking back, I sometimes wonder if a part of me was not disappointed.

Most of school was routine, except for a few incidents in High School. One very embarrassing moment was when I was in Tenth Grade. I had to go to the bathroom so bad, that I went in one but I did notice that it was a girl's room. Nobody was in when I went in the stall so there was no problems there. I heard some voices, but did not realize they were girls voices until I left the stall. You should have heard the teasing. I remember several weeks after that incident that I dreaded being called down to the office.

When I was twelve, I started to feel stiff between my legs when I was dreaming, but did not look to see what it was. Around my thirteenth birthday, I mentioned it to my pediatrician because it was starting to get more frequent. Still did not see what it was physically. That was when the doctor tried to explain male sexuality to me. I did discover auto-erotic sex. And this was the period where I started to hide my body especially when the body hair started growing, yuch. I feel the same about facial hair. The two things I love about my puberty is one, my voice never changed and two, I don't have a visible Adam's Apple. I never noticed that until one of friends noticed that when I mentioned my voice never changed. Another thing I discovered is that my ring and index fingers are the same length.

Now I was tormented by a small group of bullies in High School and my defender was a tomboy in my homeroom. She always wore steel-toed boots and threatened to kick them where it counts if they did not leave me alone.