Chapter 1

The journey started for me on Sunday, September 26, 1965 at 5:25 p. m.. But a mistake was also carried out that day also, the doctors considered me a boy. Well physically that was true, but inside I was all girl.

One of my earliest memories is thinking that God made a mistake, that I should have been born a girl. I liked to play with dolls, especially the Dawn doll. I did have a few of them and a Dawn colorform set. This contained doll cut out forms that you could stick the colorform outfits on. It was given to me my Fairy Godmother. That is what I called my godmother, my rationale being if Cinderella had a fairy godmother, and I had a godmother then mine had to be a fairy godmother. Give me a break, I was three when I started this. I remember being thirteen and trying to call my Fairy Godmother, just Godmother when she asked me to please go on calling her Fairy Godmother, so I pushed down my adolescent uncomfortableness and did what she wanted.

Also, when I was three, I knew I was going to grow up to be a woman. At that time I did not know of the biological difference so I thought it would be easy. At this time, I was into my records, playing with my dolls and when forced to playing with building blocks. My older brother was the most uncomfortable with my effeminate behavior and was constantly trying to force me to exhibit more masculine behavior.

My mother was 43 years old, when I was born and I was her second child after a 21 year gap. Since she already had a boy, I know she was wishing that I was born a girl. Sometimes I think God has a sense of humor. Since I was a girl, but no one could see it.

When I was three, I would walk around on the balls of my bare feet, pretending I was wearing high heels. Boy, did my family hate when I did that. This was also the time that I overheard my mother telling her friends, that it was just a phase I was going through. Also during this time, I remember walking by a friend's house when a teenaged boy called me a fag. I didn't know what that was but figured it had to be bad judging from the tone of voice.

I spent the first eight years of my life in Middlesex, New Jersey. It was a nice sized town, then. I have some very fond memories. I would mostly play with the girls, so that I could play with dolls, and other girl toys, that I could not play with otherwise. I would be encouraged to play with boys, which I would do as long as it was with one or two. I did have a few male friends, but they were usually of the not rough and tumble crowd. I did not understand the boys and they of course did not understand me either.

One of my favorite toys at this time was my Fisher Price Play Family house. This was the only type of doll house I had. I also had the farm and school bus at the time. Of course I would play more with the female figures more than the males. I remember being 4 and in the hospital, for a fever that would not come down. I had to have this house brought to me while I was there and so my mother brought it to me. I remember this hospital stay for another reason. One of the nurses did not lock the side of the bed right and I fell out of bed. I had dreams of falling out of beds for a long time. I mentioned this to my mother when I was older and she said “Oh, you remember that?”

I would play house or some form thereof with the older girls. They would try to get me to play the father, but I would refuse. I guess it was bad enough playing a boy in real life, I did not want to do it in play. Sometimes we would make up our own episodes of current TV shows, like The Partridge Family or The Brady Bunch. I would either play Tracy (Partridge Family) or Cindy (Brady Bunch).

I have vague memories of Preschool. I remember it being in a red house. My mother told me that I was shy and would not play with the boys. She said that they would pick on my and that the older daughter of the woman running the school would play with me and shelter me. I was a very quiet and gentle child. My parents said that all they had to do was tell me not do something and I would behave.

When I was two, my mother had to take in her parents, who were both in their eighties and her blind and deaf brother. She also had my dad, my older brother and a toddler to take care of at the time. Can you say Valium. This did not last for too long. When I was three my grandparents died. But my mother did not have peace for too long.

When I was about three and a half my younger brother was born. I spent a lot of time helping my mother with him. I was very protective of him, watched over him like a little hawk. But my effeminate behavior got more noticeable since my younger brother was all boy. Let's just say my toy cars got more play out them now. I rarely played with them. Of course, this also meant I could not get away from boy toys anymore. I was just never comfortable with all the cars and toy guns. Then people wonder why males are aggressive. Note of sarcasm there.