I grew up always questioning whether I was meant to be a man or not. I never liked doing any of the things that the other boys were into. I was never excited about Matchbox cars or Hot Wheels for that matter. Toy guns left me cold. It was always an effort to get me to play with boys, I usually had one or two that I would hang with. I always felt like I had to play an act. My preferred playmates were girls and luckily they usually let me play with them. I could get to play with the toys (for example dolls) that I really wanted to play with without too many people looking at me like I committed a murder. In those days it was not permissible for a boy to act effeminate, the gay talk would start.

I was always very able to express my emotions, cry when hurt. I remember constantly being told to act like a man and that men don't cry. I really wanted to tell them that they were wrong and that I was really a girl. My earliest recollection is the belief that I was going to grow up to be a woman if I wished it hard enough, of course that didn't happen. I also always felt that God made a mistake and that I was born the wrong sex. I think this is the hardest thing about being transgendered, that I at least felt that I didn't fit in anywhere.

School was hard, as the other boys didn't know what to make of me. Kindergarten was also very hard for two reasons. First, I have fallen arches and so I had to wear metal arch supports so that I had to wear bigger shoes that had to be made special order. Secondly, I was wearing leg braces to correct my walk. If you have seen Forrest Gump then you know what I am talking about. Boy did I fight to get them off, I felt like such a cripple and of course my Mom wouldn't let me wear shorts.

When playing with the girls I would always play a girl in our role playing games. I felt that I playacted as a boy enough in real life and did not want to do it in my imagination. I loved to play dress up in the women's clothes especially the high-heeled shoes. I wish I could say these feelings abated when I grew up.

In the mid '70's I would pretend that I was Kelly Garrett (Jaclyn Smith) who was my favorite angel. I preferred reading the Nancy Drew books to the Hardy Boys. She used her wits to get out of situations as opposed to physical brawn. Then when I was twelve I got into Gone with the Wind, that was the time I first read the novel. I just loved Scarlett. I had a bitchy side myself and she made me like that side. Usually I would try to show my Melanie side. All through High School, I would pretend that I was Scarlett. Every night I would pray to God to transform into a girl so that I could be happy. Also at the time I would sneak into my mother's clothes and try some of them on, of course the didn't really fit me. Oh the things we do. By the time college came around, I was I was only female in my mind and fantasies. I did try to accept my growing up to be a man.