When I was nineteen, I thought that being male was a mistake. Then one night I thought that if God wanted me a female I would have been born a female. This thought cost me many years of suffering. I then tried to act more like a male, but I wasn’t very successful. In my mind’s eye I would still think of myself as a female.

When I was around twenty or twenty-one, an incident occurred which would scar me for a little while. I was working in the college library over the summer. It was during the lunch hour and I was alone in the shelves when I noticed a guy leaving. I did not like the expression in his eyes and I was glad that he was leaving. About five minutes later, he came back and went into the shelves ahead of me. A few minutes later I heard a rustling sound, but I paid it no mind. I went back to the table with an armful of books that I was putting the new checkout labels on when this guy called me over. I went over to him thinking that he wanted me to help him find something.

He asked me if I wanted to get together, I was a little naíve at the time, so he pointed down to his crotch. His erect penis was sticking out. I remember saying no and left. He waited around for a few minutes and tried to get me interested. When this failed he turned around and left.

A few minutes later, reaction set in and I started to feel sick and dirty. I told one of my supervisors about it. She told me to contact the campus police. I did not do this because I felt that they would say I asked for it because of my effeminate demeanor. For the next week, I had to force myself to return to that area of shelving. I would remember this incident for a long time. I regret now, not reporting the incident to the police.

I graduated college in 1988. I then proceeded to get a hourly position for the New Jersey Department of Personnel. I started out in the clerical field.

I was kept in the hourly position for five years when I was made permanent. I stayed with the Department of Personnel for 11 years.

Last year several events came together and I had to make a life changing decision. A few years ago my dad started to have health problems. It was later found out that he had Altheimer’s Disease. We had to put him in a nursing home, since he would wander off. My mother then lost his pension check. I was not making enough to keep the house going in New Jersey. I was also becoming dissatisfied with my job. I tried to get my department to switch me to another unit. They refused. In August, we put our house on the market. In September, we took the highest offer. I decided on South Carolina.

I visited two of my friends from college there and fell in love with the Upstate. As luck would have it I bought a house on the same street where my friends live.

It took me a while to find a job. I finally took a job in Pizza Hut as a cook. I enjoy working there. It is also great to keep up with people half my age.

During this time I chanced upon a web site dealing with Transsexuality. On this web site there is a test called the COGIATI. It deals primarily with males dealing with transgender issues. I scored as a probable transsexual. But I was not ready to accept this so I looked at printed form so that I could answer more like a male. By doing this I moved up through Androgyne and Feminine Male. I thought I could live with being a male with a strong feminine side, but my innate honesty took over. So I moved back through the categories, back to probable Transsexual. I finally admitted to myself that is what I was. After I became comfortable with that, I took the test again, and scored as a Transsexual.

I am now working on finding a therapist. Hopefully he or she will confirm this diagnosis. I will then have to make a decision where to go then. I trust that God and my feelings will guide me to make the right decision. I finally feel great that I don’t have to try to act like what I am not.

It is my hope that my story can help somebody who is currently struggling with these issues realize that they are not alone and to get help. Do not ignore these issues it can only bring unnecessary suffering.

 © 2000
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