Little Pink Pills

Part Twenty-Five, by Michelle Wilder

In the village where I grew up
Nothing seems the same
Still you never see the change from day to day
And no-one notices the customs slip away

Late last night the rain was knocking at my window
I moved across the darkened room and in the lampglow
I thought I saw down in the street
The spirit of the century
Telling us that we're all standing on the border

(On the Border, by Al Stewart)

(Revised and reposted)

----

"We're playing dress-up, so pretend, okay!?"

She came out of her closet with a blue garment bag and unzipped it from the top and peeled it back and it fell off the hanger and all slithering to the floor and the wide skirt of her senior prom dress opened like an upside-down flower. Val grinned even more.

"Poof, you're a princessssss!!!"

Brenda almost cried.

----

I whined, but Val was in seventh heaven and so I balanced with Brenda's help and a hand on the dresser and stepped into it (which is ~hard~ with a whole-leg cast!) and they pulled it up and around, and up more, and finally got the shoulder-arm bits up and then all of it zipped...

... and Val un-zipped it again.

"Tape!!"

She ran out of the room and Brenda did silly-confused eyes as we listened to Val pound downstairs. Yet again. Only this time we heard her yell for Dad.

I hopped over to the chair and looked in the mirror on the dresser and thought it looked... odd. Then I realized it was twisted around and odd because it was unzipped and I tried to pull one shoulder- front top part-

She was back. Sonic boom. And she had a roll of green masking tape.

"We ~tape~ the bra band down so it won't ride up and it'll look the right weight!"

They unzipped me, un-peeled it down, the dress, and taped away, about two inches wide, just across the front. It wasn't bad at all, and then they took out all the pantyhose stuffing and put in some hankies under and behind the squishy-balls instead.

Then they said the bra straps sucked too. Then they fluffed and twisted the dress here and there and then pinned the bra straps kinda out of sight.

Brenda moved the chair and helped me hop over in front of the door mirror.

I guess we all looked at the result.

"Wow!" Brenda had her mouth open. Val smiled at me in the mirror and hugged me around from behind so her chin was on my shoulder.

"You look really pretty, little sister."

"She needs makeup, and hair..." Brenda still had her mouth open, so her words were breathy. "And...." She made a funny round motion.

I hardly heard.

----

Since I was already as far as I was, I let them do the rest. I remembered to ask when ~they~ were gonna do any dressing up and Val said they were already - me. I grumped and they stopped long enough to make sure I wasn't depressed.

But I was really ~not~ depressed. Really really.

----

They'd took almost half an hour to try things and argue and insult each other and curling-iron my hair and spritz it into place, even if Val said I had to never touch it because it really ~wasn't~ as hard as I thought it felt.

And they wouldn't even let me see in the mirror the whole time after I sat down. I had to listen to them argue and laugh and I couldn't even see what!

They did ~way~ more than clear mascara on my face (Val didn't even have any clear stuff). Colors and shadows and more colors, all over.

While she was re-dabbing foundation on a patch Val messed up under my eye, it occurred to me that Carson's chin bruise was mostly gone really quick.

They thought maybe, yeah, too. Or concealer (thicker stuff, apparently). Then they said no.

----

They finally finished, or stopped. I think they were kinda over-saturated by then and they just sat back. Like, they ~could~ fiddle a bit more, but it wouldn't make any difference?

Anyway, Val unwrapped the big towel they'd covered the dress with to keep all the mess off and stood me up and helped me over to her door again to finally see myself in a mirror. She took my crutches and pulled her chair over for me to hold. Brenda stood where she could see me in the mirror too.

Val went off to find a pair of clip-on earrings from Mom. When the door closed, I looked. It was way different than the first time.

-

I looked like Val. A lot. Maybe even more like Mom. But I looked like a girl. I had a little lump on my neck that didn't look like a girl, and then Brenda wrapped the long silk scarf thing around it and it... wasn't there.

"Poof."

"Yeah..."

Brenda'd been alternating between open-mouth and giggling for the whole thing, but around when they ware finished, when they said I was, she kinda got quieter. She didn't say anything else at all while I looked in the mirror, I think. Then I looked at her, there.

"You look perfect...."

I didn't look perfect, but I knew what she meant.

I looked bony, like I needed to gain about twenty pounds. And I wasn't pretty, but I... I... looked like Val's little sister.

I looked like a girl. Really.

I mean, like I really was. I couldn't stop staring.

All the stuff Carol said, about... how I learned how, when I was little...

And what I looked like.

I remembered about girl days, about playing and... ~being~ a girl, and how bad it felt in school, and how hard I had to try....

After Cathy went. How it was like after Cathy went, and... it didn't feel that way....

A million memories and pictures... and mirrors....

-

It wasn't the dress. It looked like I was playing in dress-up clothes. Like I was pretending.

-

But I looked like a girl. I liked how I looked. I felt like I looked real. Like a real me.

I'd been hating how I looked for so long....

I wondered what Carson would say if she could see me. She....

Would she...?

"Hey." The picture swung away and made me dizzy for a second.

Val was back with the earrings and pulled me away from the door and I lost my grip on the chair. My leg was on the wrong side and I almost lost my balance, but Val sat me on the bed.

She was good at catching me. She was good at everything about me.

The skirt scrunched up in the air. I pushed it down. It poofed up again. I pushed it down and watched it again, get bigger all by itself. Poof.

I'm a princess.

Carson called me princess. Val- we used to play and I was her little sister.... And I had... I was a girl, had girl days, and Daddy... I remembered his smile again....

"Are you okay?" Val got on her knees so she could see me better and I stopped thinking so hard and pushed the skirt down again and smiled at her. I was better than okay.

"Sorry. I'm great. Thanks, Val! Brenda! I can't believe how I look! I really look like a girl! But Val, this dress looks like... I mean, like a costume or something an-"

And. And I suddenly ~really~ didn't want to ask if Val would let me try a normal dress. Even just to see, or play more dress-up. Or show Carson.

Even though I ~really~ wanted to!

Val had a sad expression that got mad for a second before she poked me in the ribs and pushed my skirt down flat with both hands. Un-poofed.

"Costume!?" She yelled all dramatic and grinned crazy at me.

"I'll have you know I WORE this ~costume~ to the SENIOR PROM! And nobody said it was ~a costume~ then! And who are ~YOU~ to be telling ~me~ what's fake, little missy!? Eh? Eh?!" She slapped the skirt down again and fell over when she started laughing.

Brenda fell back on the bed too, and I got even more embarrassed by my own idea... that I wasn't going to tell them, so it didn't matter....

I tried to smile. Val wasn't mad for real and it was just dress-up, so it didn't matter.

If I never told them, then it would just be a joke. It didn't matter.

I looked down at the dress again. It ~was~ really pretty. It was in the mirror that it looked like a costume. Too much, maybe. Too fancy. And it was really too poofy, sitting down.

I remembered when Val wore it, and it looked nice then, but she never sat down... and she never wore it again... and even ~said~ she'd never wear it again!

"You don't even like this dress! I remember you said!" I fluffed the skirt up as much as it would with me sitting on it (a ~huge~ amount) and waved it at her. "I remember you said you couldn't see why you had to wear something like ah... a... a MUFFIN, or something!"

"Creampuff." Val giggled at the ceiling. "I said I looked like a creampuff."

She laughed again and rolled on her side so she could see Brenda and me.

"Mom said they made ~all~ formals were like that. So we'd look good enough to eat for dessert!" She lost it again. They both did.

Carson ~really~ liked desserts.

That's what I thought. I knew I'd be damned for all eternity.

And I was double-damned, because Brenda saw me think it.

-

Brenda wouldn't stop laughing, and I was too red to speak or communicate any more, and Val was almost really-really mad, she was trying to figure us out so hard.

"If one of you doesn't tell me ~what~ in ten seconds, I'm gonna make YOU wear the damn dress!" She glared at Brenda and I finally broke out of the loop.

Unfortunately, so did Brenda, who coughed and made a sound and pointed at me. Or the dress.

"I think- I think the..." She was barely breathing.

I pleaded at her with my eyes, and she looked at me and I guess she understood, because she... stopped.

She held up a hand, like 'wait,' and when she could, she smiled at me like she ~did~ understand. And was my best friend, with Carson.

"Could we try something a bit more realistic? I mean, except for the prom, really... it's a bit much? Just a skirt and top? That blue sweater you bought, maybe?"

-

And it was ~her~ idea. I looked at her like I would ~never~ be able to pay her back.

-

While Val went back in her closet, I lurched up so Brenda could get the creampuff off me. She was still all giggly and I was still afraid she'd still tell Val by accident or that I wasn't even right about what I thought...

"Something nice for Carson?" She whispered it during a giggle, and pecked my ear and hugged me tight from behind.

I nodded and leaned in as much as I could, the wrong way. "D'you think...?"

She nodded on my shoulder and grinned. "I think." Then she hugged me hard for a moment.

----

It was way more like dress-up used to be because I tried on about twenty things, as fast on and off as I could with the cast, which was pretty fast for the tops, and had about everything Val even owned held up against me, and some of Mom's stuff too, after Val got permission to look.

After all that, they settled on a plain long-ish skirt and the sweater Brenda had mentioned ~first~. We both pointed that out to Val: ~first~....

Val did evil eye at us and pointed out that we'd never stopped giggling for the whole time... and would Brenda care to wear the 'Creampuff From Hell' where anyone else could see her?

Hunh?

-

Then we tried on shoes and ~didn't~ choose the first pair, as Val noted but we didn't dare to. They were shoes I could actually wear on both feet, too, since they were flat sandals, and matched the sweater pretty well. It was a button-up sweater, all the way, except they left the top few undone. And the bottom few.

Val said it was fifties' retro and the sleeves were supposed to be as long as they were and not all the way down.

Brenda said "Perfect!"

----

They both decided I had to shave my good leg for a nylon or pantyhose, and they did the work, so I just watched. My other leg was shaved in patches all over anyway, or rubbed smooth, maybe, so they neatened it up.

Then they said no pantyhose 'cause the sandals didn't work. Or the stockings, either. But my legs looked patchy even without the patchy hair, Brenda said, and Val kinda nodded.

So then Val dug up some flats (she called them, and they were, even more than the samdals) that they said ~didn't~ match but were better than bare legs, and they rolled stockings up my legs (right over the gauze, too).

I didn't say, but they seemed kinda unorganized.

Val put pearls around my neck and then took them off and got another scarf, a lot smaller than the first one, and tied it over my bump again and said it ~really~ fit the look.

Brenda said "Oh, yeah... that's ~so~ movie star!"

-

They did something different with the makeup, though I thought it looked pretty well the same, and I think they mostly wiped off some of the eye color and put on less lipstick, or plainer color, anyway.

And they wiped off a LOT of the skin-colored stuff, all over. The foundation. Like a ton.

----

The stairs were a pain, way harder than usual, or riskier-feeling.

The skirt was loose enough that I could move almost normal in it on the flat, but I had to do the stairs kinda sideways and I was way shakier. Brenda hung on to my arm like iron the whole time.

Val made Mom and Dad go in the kitchen before she'd unveil "her creation" because she said me falling down the stairs would be anticlimactic.

Supportive, that's my big sister. She grinned back up at me around the corner when I yelled that downstairs.

I hadn't thought about it, but Mom and Dad knew what we were doing, ever since Val went searching for padding, probably. I got nervous, though.

It was okay when I was little, and I knew they didn't care if I wore a nightie or... or if Val called me a girl.... Or if I felt like one.

But dressing all the way up was... when I was little.

When I finally reached the front hall I almost stopped and tried to go back upstairs. Val and Brenda both smiled like they knew it was scary.

"Do you need to sit down? You look shaky." Val shoulder-steered me to the sofa and I plopped. They sat too, and Val stopped grinning for almost the first time in an hour.

"Are you ~really~ okay? I mean with showing Mom and Dad? You know they know we're just playing?" She sounded worried. She touched my hair, too, like a pat.

She'd said what I was afraid of. She said it all wrong, too. I didn't feel like I was playing anymore.

I was scared they'd laugh at me.

And they would, they'd laugh the same way Val and Brenda did. The way I had, too, upstairs. Because it was funny, and neat and strange. Not because I was being a sissy, as dumb as that sounded in a skirt. But they might just... laugh, too....

But I wanted to look like I did, for Carson.... I thought how Carson would look... if she saw me, even if she laughed. Her eyes would be so beautiful....

It was worth any laughing. And I could tell Mom and Dad, after.

----

Whispering and giggling like crazy, they decided that my crutches ruined the effect, so they posed me standing beside the chair by the fireplace with my cast leg behind my good one, and one hand on my waist and the other one on the chair.

Like a movie star in Hollywood, Brenda whispered. Or junior high theater, maybe. I didn't say that. Or whisper it.

Brenda sat so she could see both me and the kitchen doorway, and Val ran over to lead Mom and Dad in. Brenda giggled silently and gave me a thumbs-up and then put her chin way up. I got the hint and stood up as straight as I could and looked over at the door just as Mom and Dad came through.

They both stopped and stared.

I froze, instead of posed.

Val popped out around them and said, "Wait!"

She'd put on an outfit that was sort of the same as mine, a top and skirt, and low shoes, and she ran over and stood beside me the same, with her hand on my shoulder.

Mom's face was... well, maybe, total shock. Not bad, but mouth-open, no-blinking, shock. Val's hand squeezed me.

Then Dad smiled at us and Brenda started doing Snoopy's happy dance in the chair. She finally burst out giggling.

"Isn't she a-MAZING?"

Val snorted and I had to grin, just from her... and Dad, and Mom smiling, too.

Mom walked into the room, but sort of sideways, like she wanted different views, and she had the funniest look. Dad stayed in the door and smiled at her. I mean, her and me... us.

I had to think just to breathe, I was so tense. Val moved her arm to around my waist.

"You look ~so~ much like sisters...."

When Mom got right up to me she put her hand on my cheek and chin and then touched her other one to my hair, really softly and slowly. She looked at Val and touched her cheek the same as mine.

Then she hugged me, really gently, and whispered in my ear. "You look lovely, darling."

She stood back, still holding me. "Do you like it?"

It was something I'd never thought she'd say, something different than any of the horrible stuff and good stuff. Way too much like what I'd been feeling, that I had to ask....

I had to think, or stop all the stupid things... in between the laughing and freaking out and Carson and... stuff... and I finally relaxed.

I felt a shiver that turned into a wave of cold and weakness.

And dark.

----

End of Part 25