When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man
You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues
(Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Bernie Taupin and Elton John)
(Reposted and revised)
----
I don't think I've ever hugged my sister before in my life. I mean, she was surprised, and she kinda patted my back.
"Hey, umm...?" She stood back a step after I let go, still holding my arms for my balance, and looked pretty scared. "What's the matter?"
Until just then I hadn't really thought about it, about hugging her, what they'd think. I just did it and was suddenly hugely embarrassed. My eyes started to hurt and I turned around to grab at the wheelchair and try to sit down and pay attention and to feel better and think of what to say. What to think. I missed the chair and almost fell before they all grabbed me and I guess that distracted them.
-
What I was thinking, it was stupid and they wouldn't understand. ~I~ didn't, even. But I wanted to hug her, I mean when I did, even if I didn't understand why I did something like... so different for me. If I'd thought about it that way, I wouldn't have.
I wanted to be back in the bed, not leaving. I wanted nobody to come and see me again, so I could cry. My emotions were all over the place. Like wanting to be alone.
I wanted Carson there so I could cry.
----
Val hardly talked to me after that, so it was bad. I couldn't do things right. Emotional things. Embarrassing my sister. By the time Mom turned into the driveway at home I was a complete wreck, besides the pain.
Moving my leg around, standing up too long, even the small bouncing in the car, all hurt more and more. With my leg across the seat, every bump was like it was being bashed with a hammer.
Feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake made it all hurt worse. Even being quiet. I was a liar when I just hummed or nodded at them, and I think they thought I was depressed or something, but I was just too tired to pretend any more.
We pulled into the driveway and Mom stopped and I rocked with the motion and made a noise. It was suddenly even worse than after the surgery, almost as bad as when it happened. I couldn't move. I couldn't get out. I couldn't do a thing.
They opened both back doors and Mom hugged me from behind and Valerie made some kind of sound I couldn't understand. It was just too much, too much feeling bad, and being home was worse than anything right then.
Mom asked if I needed to go back to the hospital? She asked over and over, I think, and I began to feel like I was scaring them, or saw that I was, and after a few minutes I wiped at my eyes and started to get more... composed, I guess. If I was really still, it was better.
I said no, no hospital, I knew that would really scare them. They talked and Valerie ran to get a glass of water and Mom hugged me. She asked if I was okay, what was wrong, and I had to think just to hear her. I finally asked if I could talk later? She hugged me the same and said as long as I was okay.
Valerie came with the water and I had a pill just as Carson pulled up. It was just after school, and he knew I was getting out, and it was a good thing he came over.
He's stronger than both of them together and he lifted me out of the car backwards while Valerie crawled through it supporting my leg, and Mom let it gently down to the ground when it finally was free.
Even with all that support and being careful, it hurt like... I was in agony. As soon as I was almost vertical, my whole leg started to feel like it was splitting open, pressing out of the cast, like a huge pressure.
Carson pretty well carried me into the house, I had to sit or lie down so much. After rests on the porch, the couch, on the stairs, a rest in the hall, and finally onto my bed, I was crying again from the pain.
Carson stood back like he wasn't supposed to be there. Maybe because Mom was fussing over me and my leg and pillows and asking if I was cold, and did I need anything? Or maybe because Valerie was there almost the same way. Or just because I was in bed. Even after the hospital. It was different, I guess.
But anyway, as I started to feel better, I noticed more that he standing away from us, looking at the floor.
I had to thank him. Them. About being my friends. I had to tell Val why I hugged her. I had to talk to Mom and Dad. My head was spinning in circles, but I needed to. The pain was almost gone right then and I had to. Right then.
I guess I made a noise because Mom and Val sat up or something, and Carson looked up. He was really serious and I was suddenly nervous, so I looked down and closed my eyes. Away. But I was still going to say it, so I had to stop that. I looked back.
Mom looked angry. Carse looked embarrassed or something. Valerie hadn't smiled since the hug. None of them were right.
I still tried. Stupid me.
"I... thanks...."
They all moved at once, just an inch, or a twitch, and were almost funny they looked so relieved. That I wasn't announcing I was having a stroke or something, maybe. But I could see they didn't understand what I meant, and it just made it harder.
"I mean...." It sounded so stupid. No. It didn't. It wasn't. But it was still hard. They stopped again when I decided I had to finish.
"Val?" She was sitting at the foot of my bed. I looked her right in the eyes for a second. Something else different. I only looked at Carson before.
"I mean... I, I wanted to say thanks for being... a great sister...." I looked back at her eyes.
She looked all weird for a second and then she smiled and leaned over and pressed on my hand. "Thank you. You're a great brother too."
I knew from the feeling in my face I was going to get teary again so I looked at my hands, and hers, and then after a couple of breaths I looked at Carson.
He looked away. I could tell he was hugely uncomfortable, and boys didn't say stuff like this, and then he looked back at me. I remembered right then that I'd forgotten his Hulk balloon in the hospital.
"The..." The balloon didn't matter! I only realized that after I started. I tried to smile, and not at how stupid I was.
"Thanks, too. Really, really."
"You're welcome." He switched to a small, jokey grin, even with sad eyes. "But it's a good thing you've lost weight."
I tried to think. He thought for the car, for helping me in. I looked right at his face. What I wanted to say. "No...."
He looked all upset all of a sudden, for a tiny second, and I couldn't say it. It was just too embarrassing to say to a guy, even Carson, in front of Valerie and Mom, anyways, maybe ever.
Thanks for holding me.
But he knew, I thought, because of what I said to Val, even if it was different, so then I already... had.
It felt awful.
That I couldn't say it. That I even wanted to. That I knew he'd hate me if I said it. That I felt like I was going to hurt him just by saying it. That he knew.
I looked at my hands and the cast and my bare toes sticking out and heard him leave. I looked up at the door way too late, at Mom, and down at my cast again. Mom looked so sad.
----
Mom and Dad and Brenda and Val all said he was just busy or something, but he didn't come over the next day, or the next.
I thought he wouldn't ever again. I even understood, but it still felt like... well, the pain in my leg helped. I'd twist it a little bit and the pain made me feel better, as dumb as that sounds. I didn't eat, I'd hurt myself on purpose and then I wouldn't want to.
----
Two days later, two days after I came home, I woke up and Carson was sitting in one of the chairs Dad had brought in. Brenda was there too, leaning in the doorway, and she mouthed hi at me.
Carson wasn't smiling, and I couldn't either. It was quiet and I didn't want to say anything worse than I had already.
-
I'd thought about how I'd embarrassed him, and me, and how I might be if someone I liked did it to me, and I didn't know. It was hard to think straight. It was hard to think like I used to. Like I was supposed to. Carson was... special.
And I felt like I'd lost one of the only three good friends I'd ever had. The best one. When he hadn't come around I figured that he'd avoid me from then on and so even school would be worse than just being called a sissy for crying. I'd thought about how he'd been the one who helped me and now he wouldn't even talk to me. I quit the team in my head, and thought about leaving school. I knew I couldn't stand to even see him if he wouldn't be my friend. Wasn't. How it could happen....
I'd thought about starving to death, since I already was.
-
But not then, because they were there. He was there.
I pushed myself upright a little more, or tried to without moving my leg or hip too much. Brenda stepped over to stuff more of the pillows behind me and Carson looked like he would too for a second, but he sat back.
He didn't smile either, just watched us, kinda sad. Not in my eyes. He didn't look in my eyes and it scared me, made him being there scary, that he didn't smile or look at me.
But him being- that he came, I had to find out if I'd been right, if he wasn't my friend any more. Him being there. I didn't think so, any more, or hoped not, but I had to find out. It hurt to have... to have both things possible.
Brenda tiny-punched the pillows a last time and said "good?" and I mumbled a thanks and looked down at my leg. She went around and sat on the bed beside me and looked at Carson too, I guess. He looked at his hands.
Maybe he didn't look like he was mad or unhappy at anyone. Maybe just thinking. And if he was mad he wouldn't have come over.... It's why I thought he'd left, mostly. Mad, or disgusted, or whatever the word would be. But he was there.
"Carse?"
He looked up like he was still thinking, and he didn't look mad at all. And he looked in my eyes, almost.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you." My voice was strange. It's what I wanted to say, what I'd thought about saying, if I could. It was the easiest way I could think of to say it, so he'd understand. It was still hard.
But all of a sudden he looked like whatever he'd been thinking was gone and he smiled. A really normal, regular little smile, at me. It was all I wanted and I smiled too. Not so little.
"You didn't. It's okay." He talked about as much as he usually does. Did, before. Meaning, he stopped and just sat there. He didn't say why he'd been away two days, but he kept smiling at me and I felt like I'd just had ten little pink pills. And smiled back.
Brenda carried on most of the conversation after that.
----
He came over every day after school, just like at the hospital, even on practice days. Brenda still came most days too, sometimes with Carson, and Valerie usually sat with us when she was home, too.
We talked about just stuff again: my leg and school and TV and movies and magazines and music: stuff. They studied. I listened to them and watched them and fell asleep a lot. Carson started kinda tutoring me, just to keep me awake, and Val left when he did 'cause she couldn't study then. Brenda joined, if she was there and it was one of her classes.
----
It was fifteen more days after he came back before I could finally go back to school. I mean, it took that long before I could just sit in a chair long enough that Mom and Dad thought I could ~maybe~ go. One hour in a stretch, one class at a time.
You couldn't really use a wheelchair in our school because of fire regulations and I still couldn't get around very well on crutches, and standing still was an exercise in not-so-slow torture because my leg would start to hurt bad almost immediately and just kept getting worse the longer I stayed still, upright. On my best day I was in bad pain after about five minutes on my feet, even moving. On my worst I was afraid to even sit up and it felt like my leg was cut open to the bone.
I told everyone I was way better than that. I told the doctor almost the same thing, except I said the pain was bad, but I could take it. I had different words for when he touched around the cast than it really felt, too.
School was gonna be hard but I was going crazy at home. I tried to eat more to show I was better and never told anyone that I threw it up sometimes, too. Except once Val helped me clean up, so I guess she knew.
And I was more afraid of what they'd say in school than I was of the pain. Only that Carson was gonna be there made it better than a really bad idea.
----
Carson came over on the big morning and had a coffee while Mom worried out loud. Valerie just smiled at all of us 'cause she sort of knew more than anyone else how I really was and still thought it was okay to try. Besides, she likes being more in the know than everyone else.
Mom had been saying for two days that she thought I was rushing things, and I guess Dad too, really. When I said I still wanted to, he'd say stuff like, "You know you can stay home longer, or come home and try again if you need to."
Dad's almost as quiet as Carson is usually and that's all he said about it, but I kinda knew what he meant, that he was guy-scared, like he wouldn't say. I always told him I was scared but I wanted to try? He'd started to hug me again, since I came home, mostly for that, I think.
Anyway, at breakfast Mom went on and on about how I didn't have to go and I could call if I needed to and I had to see the school nurse because she was expecting me and I needed to leave my pills with her anyway, and so on. All the stuff I already knew, so I guess she was still really worried.
Heck, I was too. But Carson was on my side, too, besides Val, maybe because I hadn't told him ~exactly~ how much it still hurt, just how I was so bored.
He finally finished and took my pack and Mom hovered and he held my elbow all the way to his car. I slid in across the back seat and Mom and Valerie both waved goodbye like I was going off to war instead of high school. We both waved goodbye back, and we were off. Slowly.
I made a noise when we stopped for a light 'cause side to side movement was ~really~ painful.
"You okay?" Carse kept his eyes on the road and put one arm over the seat, like nearer me.
"Uh-huh." I was pretty okay. I was out of the house anyway. I could breathe, almost.
"You sure?" At a light, he twisted back just for a second and touched my leg.
I didn't know how to answer that, I mean, how could I? My leg hurt a lot even sitting there, a little more upright than I was used to. Getting out to and into the car had been really bad and I was worried about moving around all day.
"I'm okay, I guess."
I guess it was enough. I even sounded normal if I only talked for one breath. He patted my leg and drove again.
----
When we got to the school Carson drove right into the teacher's parking lot and up to the side doors and parked at the curb, half-blocking the lane.
By the time he had helped me out and onto my feet a teacher had driven up and was watching us and waiting for Carse to at least close the car door, I thought, but instead she got out and held the school door open for us and asked if I was okay? Carson answered something.
Once I got in, he eased me onto a chair in the hall and I breathed hard and tried to cool down while he went to park. I wondered if maybe it'd been a totally bad idea, if it was that hard just to go, what, fifty feet? And just to sit? I hadn't even thought about how small and hard the chairs were. I had to sit right at the edge to let the cast clear it, and the edge pinched.
My heart clenched when a girl pushed open the door and walked by too close to my leg, scared she'd kick it. Even the idea made me feel sick-cold.
Carson touched my shoulder and I jumped. "You okay?" He knelt down on one knee so I could see his face and I guess I didn't look very good, from the way ~he~ looked.
"You have to go see the nurse."
He said it like I didn't have any say, but I wasn't going to argue. If I were home, I'd've been taking a pink pill, another one, and going to bed. I wished I was in bed. He shouldered our packs and helped me up and I got my crutches under my arms.
By the main corridor, just a hundred feet, I knew I wasn't going to make it. My leg was screaming and I felt sick. I was going to say....
Suddenly I was bouncing in the air and the pain was coming in sharp spikes. Some kid said... something....
I was floating. Carson answered, said words, but not at me.
I forget after that.
----
I ~should~ have taken a pink pill like I ~usually~ did in the morning.
I ~should~ have ~told~ him when I was ~starting~ to hurt.
That's what Carson said, and the nurse said.
It's what Mom said, after she came to take me home. And she said I shouldn't have even tried going back so early.
-
But I didn't want to fall asleep in school, so I didn't take a pill, and I ~had~ to come back, and I hadn't known I was going to hurt so much without the stupid drugs....
And I didn't know that it'd happen so fast, so how was I supposed to say, to tell him, or ~anyone~ that it was happening!? So ~fast~, I mean?
Another week at home, or longer, probably. And I wasn't really hurting too badly by then, since I'd taken a pill and they really acted fast even if they weren't all that good, and it all seemed so hopeless, like I couldn't do anything right, or to make it better, or... anything.
I was gonna cry if I thought about it another minute.
-
"Well...." Carson sounded different than all the other talking that was going on. And louder. "He's alright now."
I looked up, and Mom was getting angry, or ready to argue, and the nurse was about to say something, and Carson was smiling like everything was normal.
"I am!"
Mom looked at me, and she ~was~ getting mad.
"Really! I feel great, I mean, the pill and all, and I do!" I didn't really feel that ~great~ exactly, but I was a bit better, as good as before we even got in the car, and I sure ~wanted~ to stay. I tried to smile like Carson.
"Really!"
----
Carson volunteered to escort me ~everywhere~ and if he couldn't, he said he'd get Brenda, and then she would. (I don't know what she was supposed to do if I passed out in the boys' room. Maybe phone Carse. It was his idea after all. I didn't mention that thought.)
It took fifteen minutes and me still looking okay, but they finally said I had to go to the nurses' office during football practice and rest there until Carse got free. And I had to tell him or whoever if I got in too much pain or was even ~suspicious~ I was going to faint or pass out or lose it. And I had to take another pill at lunch, even if I felt okay and ~even~ if I'd probably need a nap in the afternoon. Oh, and I ~had~ to take a nap in the nurses' office if I needed one.
But I could stay.
This time Mom hugged me goodbye like I was going for my first day of kindergarten. Which, considering I was prolly gonna have an afternoon nap, felt about right.
-
End of Part Two
