by Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
Author's Note: This chapter deals with an unpleasant truth of life in the Transgender Community.
Wednesday, 7 November, 2007
Dear Diary
They say that fully fifty percent of transfolks will attempt suicide, if not more.
They say that when the people we care about turn their backs on us, it can trigger "an episode" that can lead to such an attempt.
Matthew wouldn't speak to me today. Every time he saw me he turned around and went the other direction.
I looked for him after Aca-Deca practice to see if we could talk. He wasn't there. Mom was. I've been in my room since we got home.
I guess this is the part where I say, "Goodbye, cruel world!" or some such, huh? It's not fair. I didn't ask to be born like this. It's not as if anyone would choose to be a freak, to be someone that can never fall in love and be loved in return. I just want... I want a chance to talk to my BOYFRIEND -- there, see? I have a boyfriend. I want to be his girlfriend. I want...
I wish that I was Goober's Girl, just one last time...
Ugh.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I know Mom has that bottle of pills under her stockings in her underwear drawer. I just want to make it stop hurting. Why can't I just be me? Why does my own Grandma hate me so much?
I'm going to call Jennifer.
She thinks I'm being stupid. Great. So now I don't have a boyfriend, and my best friend thinks I'm stupid, and my Grandma hates me, and ...
I just keep thinking about that movie line...
Anyone who says differently is selling something.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
It's not fair!
I don't want to hurt anymore.
Something's going on downstairs...
Courtney
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Comments
Dear Courtney
Dear Courtney,
I'm sad to hear about the pain that you are in. but remember two things.
1) Everything happens for a reason
2) the Greatest thing is to Love and to be loved in return.
I know they don't help you right now, but I think perhaps Goober needs some time to figure things out for himself.
Snoops
Courtney, do something
Courtney, do something.
I don't know, but you just have to talk to him, whatever it takes. Go at his home, phone him, trap him in the corner of a corridor ... I wish I could help in some way, and definitely, your friends should help you in this.
Take care,
And don't do anything stupid, he will com round eventually. He likes you too much to leave you in dispair.
Mildred
Too Soon?
Courtney's life hasn't been so bad. The bad stuff only just happened so I don't expect her to seriously contemplate you-know-what. *sigh*
I wonder what's going on downstairs though. You seem good at doing that. You have Courtney get distracted and write a teaser line and then disappear until the next entry. Arrgggg! That's really a good thing in case you can't tell. :)
Thanks and please keep the entries comin'.
- Terry
No win
Dear Courtney,
I don't know any greater pain, than when someone denies to speak with you (well may be I do - when someone do that and then dies), you can try to deal with it (except that I would like to know how), or you can try avoid it and with time, it will become only dull pain. You problably can't make your mind busy, so go to sleep. It is better solution, than trying to hurt self, so you could focus on this kind of pain and forget your other emotions... Go to sleep, tomorrow may be a bit better...
Robin