Okay, so, maybe I was too harsh on Matthew. Fine. Yes, I was way too harsh and quick to judge.

He has sacrificed himself on the altar of dignity. I got a copy of the office audio tape so I could get this all right.

So, yeah. He came to school today in a Victorian-era ballgown. Yeah. A dress. A big dress. A very big dress.

He had cleavage.

So, halfway through homeroom, the intercoms come on:

Miss Vidlak
Young lady! Er. Young man! You can't --
Teenage Boy
Let the dude speak, ma'am. This is a matter of the heart.
Miss Vidlak
He can't just --
Teenage Girl
Ma'am, I think if you just let him, you'll understand. This isn't a Hallowe'en prank, I swear on my 4.0 GPA.

[[incoherent mumbling and whispering]]

GOOBER

Ladies and gentlemen of the faculty and staff, honored guests, students of every shape and size... and jocks. My name is Matthew Podnick. Some -- maybe most of you -- know me better as, ah... Goober.

Thing is, the young lady that tagged me with that moniker is the girl I have fallen in love with. She's the girl I won the right to date by virtue of sheer-determination.

However, that one and only date has been stained.

The pure white carpet of the perfect date has been stained with the grape juice of lies and rumors.

You jerks.

I mean, I'm weird. I've always been weird, even before I came to this school -- heck I'm wearing a dress right now! Not just any dress, but one that even girls have a hard time moving around in, let alone a boy like me staging an attempt at apology that may not even work in it. I am just about the strangest kid any of you are likely to ever meet.

She talked to me.

She was the one that made friends with me.

And she was the one that I -- well, hey, if people can be sappy on other holidays, why not this one, right? -- she was the one that I fell in love with.

I found a way to present my desire to date her.

It worked... it actually was goofy enough to make her feel special without making her feel weirded out.

Her parents said it was okay.

We went out, we had fun... I enjoyed just basking in her aura.

And when my mother drove us back to her house, she kissed me -- er, the girl, not my mom. And it was just a kiss on the cheek, but it was more than I had hoped.

I got to school the next Monday -- that was two days ago, for those of you following along without a program -- and there were all these whispered rumors.

At lunch, I saw her, and got her lunch over my head for my trouble.

That's when I figured out that I needed to know what was going on.

What can I say, subtle was never my strong suit.

When I figured it out, I was appalled. This is a nice, smart, beautiful girl... why does there have to be this kind of rumor mill?

Let me make this perfectly clear:

She gave me a kiss on the cheek. The cheek on my face. That's it. We did not, under any definition, make out or bluntly... have sex.

I couldn't have had sex. I'm still a virgin. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be if we had.

The jerks who made up the rumors about her -- and me, incidentally -- I know who you are. I am clever. You won't know what or where or when.

So let me break this down for you, my audience: The rumors are false, I'm wearing a dress, and I will continue to wear my sister's clothes until the girl of which I speak at least talks to me. I'm sorry. I apologize. I am your humble servant, milady. Er. Maidservant, I guess, if you want. Y'know, if you're into that kind of thing.

What? Oh. Yah. The dress I'm currently wearing is NOT my sister's clothes, she wouldn't be caught doing homework in a dress like this, but Cory Jaques would.

[[thumping sound]]

Ow. Okay, Cory wouldn't either. Thank you all for your time.