The Reluctant Bridesmaid©
By: Annette MacGregor

This story is based on a dream I've had off and on for a LONG time. To the best of my knowledge, the characters and events depicted in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental.

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Part 1
 

"Hello?"

It was my old college friend, Carol, on the phone.

"I'm engaged!"

"About time too," I replied, laughing. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Jim. He asked me last night."

"Hey, you're serious, aren't you?"

"Of course. It's wonderful!"

"It sure is. I'm very happy for you. I'm glad he finally figured out how nice a girl you are."

I could almost feel her excitement through the phone. I couldn't count the number of times she'd thought she had found Mr. Right, and whoever he was, he drifted off. I just hoped this one really was different. This Jim was a guy she'd been seeing steadily now for over a year, which was also a record.

"Be sure and let me know when the wedding is." I said teasingly. "I might be able to get off work."

"You'd BETTER get off. You're going to be in it!"

"I'll be there, don't worry. Name one time, when you've needed me that I've not found a way to be there."

"Oh, I know. You're wonderful. Pity you're already married."

I laughed with her and responded, "Yeah, but you aren't looking for a wife."

"True, I've always said you'd make someone a wonderful wife."

We both laughed at the old joke. We chatted about old times, and before she rang off, to call other friends, she said she'd let me know wedding details when she had them.

Later that night, over dinner, I mentioned to my spouse that Carol was engaged.

"You're kidding. She's such a high powered and high energy person I never thought someone would get up the courage to ask her. Wait, she was asked, wasn't she?"

Laughing, "Yes, last night apparently."

"She must have spent the day calling people."

"I suspect so. She caught me pretty early this morning, so I don't know for sure."

"Well, I'm sure she'll have things organized soon. Let me know when the wedding is. Hopefully, the kids and I'll be able to go too."

I appreciated how she assumed I'd be going. "Yeah. She all but forced me to promise to be there."

"I'm not surprised. You've known her longer than you have me. I don't know why you two never got together, but I'm glad it didn't happen."

"So am I, honey. She's a great friend, but it's you I love!"

The next few weeks went peacefully enough. I wasn't sure whether to expect Carol to move mountains to get the wedding soon, or wait until spring like she'd always said when the topic came up in our discussions. Thinking about that, took me back to our many chats over the years. We'd chatted about anything and everything. I guess it's a good thing we lived on different coasts. If we were closer, we might get together more often and never get anything done. No, that's not true. She'd always been driven. She made room for her friends, but she also pushed her career as well.

Eventually, she called again with the details. We'd talked a few times in between, but it was mostly solving the problems of the world and keeping up to date on our lives.

I wrote down the date and times she described. It was only when she got to the schedule of events that I got a glimmer that something was going on.

"And, I'll need you to come out a month before then to be fitted."

"What? Backup. Fitted?"

"Well you are going to be in the wedding party. You said you would."

"I did? I'll be glad to, but doesn't the fiancée normally pick out his groomsmen?"

"No, you're not one of his groomsmen. You're one of my bridesmaids."

"Come on, you're kidding, right?"

"No. I need you, and you need this."

"Even if I agree, what does that have to do with the fitting? A Tux is easy, a few measurements…"

She cut me off. "Stevie, you're going to be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids do NOT wear tuxes. You'll be in a gown, just like the rest."

To say I was stunned was the understatement of the year, maybe the century. I mean, she knew my secret, but nobody else did. As painful as it sometimes was, I'd kept it hidden from Shelly and the kids and everyone else. When I'd almost transitioned, over a dozen years ago, I'd visited Carol, as myself and she'd taken it in her stride. What a wonderful weekend that had been and–while she didn't really understand–she had been very supporting.

I'd planned on telling Shelly when I got back, but she was involved in an accident. After that it was one thing after another, until our first kid was on the way. At that point, I gave up that dream, and dedicated myself to being what my family needed. Carol knew all this too.

"Carol," I choked out. I so wanted to do it, but I feared the affect it would have on Shelly and the kids, much less on everyone else.

"Stevie, you know you need to do this. Even more, I want you to do this. I've dreamed of it since you let me meet the real you. Before that, my one fear was that my best friend couldn't be in my wedding. Meeting you that weekend, and our talks getting to know that side of you. I couldn't wait. That's why you were the first person I called."

I was stunned again. She called me first! "You should have called your mom."

"I did silly, right after we talked."

"What would your mom say if she saw a guy in a dress as one of your bridesmaids?"

"She wouldn't. You know as well as I do, you only look like a guy, and not an overly macho one at that."

"Granted, but I'm overweight and you don't need an ugly bridesmaid. This should be the happiest day of your life."

"If you're not there to share it, it won't be so nice, Stevie. I need your help."

I laughed at that. "How could you possibly need MY help? You have it, of course, but why?"

"I'm afraid, Stevie."

"What?"

"I'm afraid I'll go crazy with the anticipation and excitement. I need you to keep me calm; to be my anchor."

I know I'd talked her through some pretty rough times over the years. She'd not taken getting dumped by guys at all well, and it was always my shoulder she'd cried on. Well, ear anyway."

"I'll be there for you, Carol. But, please, reconsider. You don't really need me in the party. I'll be there to talk to any time."

"No, I need..." she broke off at that. Okay, I'll think about it, but you make your plans, including for the fitting weekend! I need you to get me through that too."

I took a deep breath. "I'll talk to Shelly."

"Thank you Stevie. I do want you to be one of my bridesmaids. I really do, but I'll think it over like you asked."

"Thanks. I'm sure you'll make the right decision." That was one of the hardest things I'd ever said; giving up my chance to be a bridesmaid. I kept my voice steady as we said goodbye, but collapsed into tears after hanging up.

By the time Shelly got home, I'd composed myself, and had my story ready. I figured Carol would come to her senses and I'd just be along for moral support anyway.

"Hi honey. Carol called with the details this morning."

"Good, let's see what it looks like."

I explained the basic details, and then told her about Carol's request that I be there to help while the bridesmaids were being fitted.

"Why?" Shelly started; then she sighed. "At least this time, she's planning in advance. Let me guess, she's afraid she'll go crazy without you there to keep her level headed, isn't she?"

"Got it in one. I knew there was a reason I married you."

"Silly. I hope that wasn't the only one."

"Of course not. Besides that, you're a great cook..." I reached out and we embraced. Oh, I loved her so much. "And, this is the biggest reason; I love you."

"Okay, so you have to go a month early for a weekend, and then there's the wedding. I'm not sure if the kid's schedule will support the wedding, but, we'll work something out."

That night, as I tried to get to sleep, I wondered if I should have taken the opportunity then to tell her that Carol had asked me to be a bridesmaid. I made a resolution then, that for my friend, I'd finally buckle down and loose the weight I'd slowly put on over the years. I would try to not embarrass Carol by being a slob at her wedding.

I dreamed that night as well. It was nothing new, but now Carol was the bride, and I was standing there beside her, holding her flowers while her sister handed her the ring. It was beautiful. Carol's gown was a flowing lace design, which we'd had to spread behind her. We were all in floor length chiffon gowns. The gowns had a tiny rose where the V formed between our breasts. The rainbow effect was beautiful, my gown was a bright blue, and her sister, Stacy's was a deep blue. The girl next to me had a bright Kelly dress, and so on. The effect Carol had arranged was beautiful. The men all had cummerbunds that matched our dresses.

Awakening in the morning, I savored the dream, for a while. I knew it had been prompted by Carol's call, but it was still a wonderful dream. Things returned to normal around the house, and I did keep to my self promise and was more careful in my eating and more regular in my walking. After a few weeks, it did start to have a noticeable effect.

"Losing weight, aren't you honey?"

"Yes. I suspect my vanity may have had something to do with it."

"You?"

"It was after Carol's call with the wedding dates. I guess I figured I didn't want any old school friends, assuming any are there, to see how far I'd let myself go."

She laughed at that. "Whatever the reason, you're looking good, and I'm glad. At this rate, you'll be pretty slim by the time her wedding gets here. You may just get your ponytail long enough to send off by then too, so you can be neat as well."

I laughed. "I also counted the months, and I think I'll have some time to spare. At least it's something I can do for those poor kids undergoing chemo."

"You don't watch out, you'll be looking like you did when we got married."

"If I make that, it'd be good. Then both of us would." Shelly, luckily, had one of those fast metabolisms, and it had only started slowing down recently.

"You say the nicest things. But, I'm serious. If you keep going at the rate you appear, you may well be back down there."

"That'd be nice, but I'm not betting I'll be able to keep the discipline to do this, any more than other times. Something will come up and distract me, and poof there it goes."

"I'll help you remember, if you want?"

I hugged her, and thanked her. Maybe I have a chance to lose most of this, and if Carol does insist that I be in the wedding party, my weight won't make me look too bad in a tux. I'd love to actually be in a gown with the others but that just wasn't going to happen.

It had been a month, and Carol hadn't said anything the last time we'd talked. I was getting ready to call her to see how things were going, when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Steve?"

"Yes. Who's calling?" The voice sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place it. I wish I'd checked Caller-ID, but as I'd been almost ready to call out, without thinking, I just answered.

"Steve, this is Stacy," she paused, and I tried to think if it was one of the kids friends moms. "Carol's sister."

"Oh, sorry Stacy. I was getting ready to give Carol a call, and was trying to figure out which of the kids friends moms was calling. What can I do for you?"

"You can tell Carol that you'll be a bridesmaid. I can't imagine why she wants you, but she does. She's been frantic ever since you turned her down."

"She didn't say anything two weeks ago."

"Of course not, you ninny. She knows she has a reputation for bulldozing and she won't bulldoze you, Steve. You're too important to her." She paused then added; "But, PLEASE, PLEASE tell her you'll do it."

"You want a guy in a dress in the wedding party?"

"To be honest, no, but Carol does, so that's good enough for me. Please, tell me you'll agree! Don't make what should be her happiest day one she has regrets for."

"I don't know what to say."

"Just tell her you'll do it. Please. She's acting less excited about her wedding than she was while making the plans. You know, I think if I couldn't have been there she'd have wanted you to be her maid of honor, too."

"Let me think about it. It's a lot to ask."

"Don't think too long. You're really getting her tied up inside."

"I'm sorry. I really am."

I walked out into the den, where Shelly was watching something on the tube. I knew it wasn't one of the shows she followed on a regular basis, so I figured it'd be okay to interrupt. "Got a few minutes to talk about something, honey?"

She clicked the remote. "Of course, what's up?"

"That was Carol's sister."

"Nothing's happened has it?"

"No, but she was stressing even more how important Carol feels my presence is."

"Of course, and you'll be there." She paused a moment. "There's something more, isn't there?"

I nodded. "When Carol gave me the dates for the wedding events, she also asked me to be in the party. I turned her down, but said I'd be there for her."

"Why on earth did you turn her down? It's not like you've not been a groomsman before."

I took a deep breath. "Not as a groomsman, she wants me to be a bridesmaid." There, I'd said it.

"She's always been a bit unusual. But, if she wants a guy in a tux on her side of the church, why don't you do it anyway?"

When I didn't respond immediately, "No, she didn't!"

I must have made a face or looked different, because she then continued. "She did. She actually asked you to be a bridesmaid. That's why she wants you at the fitting! The gall, asking a guy to wear a dress; I thought she was your friend!"

"Shelly, she is my friend," I said quietly.

"What are you telling me?"

"Honey, wearing the dress wasn't why I turned her down. How it would affect you, and how looking like an ugly cow would hurt her lovely day are the biggest reasons."

"I don't think I understand."

"I know. I'm really sorry. I never planned on telling you about this. Remember me seeing the shrink for a year while you were in your last year of grad school and I was working?"

"Yes, you said you had some issues you needed to work through, and didn't want to distract me while I was on the home stretch."

"It's related to that."

The phone rang again. Shelly picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Yes, he's here. Who's calling?" She listened a moment. "Steve, it's someone named Jim, and he says Stacy asked him to call." I could hear the question in her voice.

"I'll take it here, I guess. Jim's Carol's fiancée and I suspect it's related. You can stay on if you want."

"Okay." Then, back to the phone, "Hello, he'll be on directly."

I went and grabbed one of the portable phones and joined the call. "Hello, Jim. This is Steve."

"Steve, I just got a call from Stacy telling me that Carol had asked you to do something for the wedding. I didn't ask her what. It's her wedding, after all. I'm just there 'cause she wants the big wedding."

"Well, watch out, she'll have it organized to the last minute, if you let her."

"That's quite all right. I know she's an organizer. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought she'd have written my proposition speech, but I surprised her on that one."

"Way to go. It is hard to surprise Carol. She doesn't always like big surprises."

"This one she did, but I want you to know, after she bounced off the ceiling and said yes, one of the first thing she said was that she had to tell Steve. If I didn't know you were married, I might almost be jealous of you."

"She did wait until the next morning."

"I know. I, um, stole the battery in her phone."

Shelly and I were laughing pretty loudly at that.

"Now, I'm really looking forward to meeting you, but the reason I called, is that Carol's really stressed out, and Stacy just explained why. Apparently she asked you to do something for the wedding, and you turned her down. She REALLY must care for your friendship, ‘cause everyone else is pushed and bullied and made to march to her orders. She's not even told me what it was, or that you said no. But, I'd really appreciate it if you'd reconsider. She means the world to me, and I want her day to be perfect."

"I'm talking it over with my wife now, Jim. She answered the phone."

"Please tell her you'll do it, and soon?"

I looked over at Shelly, "Okay, I'll try to get her an answer today or tomorrow. That's the best I can promise, Jim."

"Okay, guy. I guess I can't ask for more. But, please. If you possibly can, do it."

We hung up, and stood there staring at each other for a few minutes.

"He doesn't know what he's asking." I started.

"He does, but you're right, he doesn't. What were you trying to say about the shrink you were seeing?"

"I'm not sure how to make it easy. The shrink diagnosed me with a condition and it was later confirmed by one of his colleagues."

"You're not sick or anything?" Shelly was starting to sound worried.

"I don't think so, and neither did the shrinks. Just different. Maybe they put an Abby Normal brain in my head when I was starting out life."

"Honey, you're avoiding the issue."

"I know. I've been avoiding it since I learned. I was afraid that if I told you, it would change what you thought of me."

"Don't you think I know you and don't you trust me? Whatever it is, we'll keep on going, and deal with it together instead of you playing macho hero and hiding it. I mean, it's not like you're a closet psychopath or anything."

"No, and it's not really terminal, but it has been stress inducing."

"Well, you are supposed to reduce your stress."

"I know. Okay, the name for what describes me is transsexual."

"You don't know what sex you are?"

"No, I do, only it's not what most people think. I'm a girl, but I was born in a guy's body."

"You have to be kidding me, now."

"No, honey."

"That's not possible. We have kids, you said you loved me. Believe me, I know you function perfectly well. Are you telling me you like guys?"

"No. There's nobody for me, except you."

At this point, I just broke down and cried. I couldn't take the stress holding myself together or her unbelief. After a while, I realized I wasn't the only one crying, and she'd joined me on the sofa hugging me.

Eventually, after much saying of, "I'm so sorry," on both of our parts, we settled down and we talked some more.

"I don't think I understand. Are you going to turn into a girl?"

"I don't plan on it. I don't know what the law is today, but when I discovered what I am, we would have had to divorce for me to be a girl and I couldn't do that. I loved you, and still love you too much."

We talked some more. I could see she was trying to understand, and I was trying to explain what it felt like, and how and why I'd hidden things for all of these years. I also told her of the dreams I'd had of becoming a bridesmaid one day.

Eventually, we came to the conclusion that I could tell Carol that, if there was a way I could do it without looking like a fool or a clown and disrupt her wedding, I would do it, and if not, I'd still be in her wedding party, but I'd wear a tux. Neither of us really believed I'd be able to, but we thought this might be a way to help Carol through the coming months, and that even if it did end up being possible, we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. In any event, we didn't need to tell the kids anything, and when it was over, I'd go back to being their father.

Shelly and I called Carol together, so she'd know that I'd told her, and let her know our conditions for my agreeing to be a bridesmaid. Typical for Carol, she was ecstatic, and said she'd find a way to help me be the bridesmaid we both knew I wanted to be. I didn't think this last remark went down very well with Shelly.

--- Continued

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Author's Note: I want to thank all my alpha and beta readers for their thoughts and encouragement. I espacially want to thank my three editors/proofers whithout who's help, this would be a much worse story. Any problems remaining are mine. The story is complete, and will be posted in ten parts.