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Michelle's mother takes her to see a gender therapist named Dr. Martha Collins. Much is gleaned from their six hour appointment. At last we get down to all those pesky mother issues! |
Mom made an appointment for me to see a therapist named Dr. Martha Collins. We eventually hit it off great and I've been seeing her ever since. Oddly enough, even though she specializes in gender issues, she's a regular genetic female. I think she's fantastic and I like her a lot. More importantly, she helped me to like myself.
I'd talked to my friends, Cam and Frank, on the phone shortly after my life switched into high gear. I had missed two days of school and they wanted to know what was up with me. I told them I was sick, because Mom thought it best that we talk to Dr. Martha before coming out to people outside our family. I wasn't looking forward to seeing a therapist, but I was for delaying the confrontation with my friends.
After talking with my mom on the phone, Dr. Martha set aside six hours for us. Mom thought it was extremely kind and generous for her to devote her whole day to my problems. I couldn't imagine spending six hours with any person who had been recommended by Dr. Limpke.
Our session was broken into mini-sessions of one hour each. The first session was mom and I together. The second session was me flying solo with Dr. Martha. And then she went an hour alone with my mom. It was then back to a joint meeting with my mom and I together.
Dr. Martha didn't plan on solving all my problems in one day- and she didn't. She just wanted to get to know me as well as she could and as fast as she could so that she could offer me some immediate relief.
I could probably write a book about my six hour meeting with Dr. Martha Collins, but I won't. Because I see her on a regular basis, I've incorporated her help into my daily life. I'm far from perfect or healed, but I'm much better than when I started seeing her.
This is a difficult chapter in my life to write about because its ground zero for discovering so much about myself. Until I met with Dr. Martha, I thought of myself as some kind of wacked out "Sissy-Pervert". Dr. Martha did her best to focus on the symptoms of my troubles without saddling them with labels.
As I write this, I'm no longer a "Sissy-Pervert". My hateful feelings for myself haven't changed, but I cope with them now instead of allowing them to consume me.
Dr. Martha tried not use labels, but some were unavoidable. She spent the final two hours of our appointment talking to my mother and I together. That's when she shared her diagnosis with us.
Her diagnosis wasn't mind blowing to either of us. She described it as laying out all the broken parts on a table. She told us that none of the broken parts were replaceable and we'd have to our best to fix the pieces that were broken and get by with them. Below is a list of what she said I wad dealing with.
I'm Bipolar with schizoid affective tendencies. Besides dealing with the typical emotional ups and downs, bipolar people have dangerous sexual urges and are predisposed toward gambling and overspending. I had the ups and downs she discussed, but I didn't have problems with gambling or overspending. However, I did recognize the dangerous sexual urges she described.
Bipolar sexual urges can make one spouse cheat on another or cause straight people to engage in homosexual fantasies. I was an unmarried virgin so I couldn't cheat on anyone. But I did have homosexual fantasies about men.
Dr. Martha explained my infatuation with my mother by saying I had an Oedipal complex. She said my infatuation with imitating my mother was a substitute for having sex with her. In other words, since my brain reasons that I can't marry my mother, it provokes me into wanting to become her.
She said my Oedipal complex is what led to my crossdressing and smoking fetishes, because I identify women's clothes and cigarettes as key elements of my mother.
After talking to me about my masturbation habits, Dr. Martha diagnosed my crossdressing and smoking fetishes as a sexual addiction because I can't get or maintain an erection without thinking about dressing and smoking like a woman.
She said it was normal for people to get sexually excited and worked up proceeding an act of sexual taboo and then feel remorse after climaxing. But she said the feelings of excitement and remorse were magnified in me because of the bipolar disorder.
Dr. Martha concluded our appointment by telling us that there was no cure for the ills I was suffering from but that the symptoms could be treated with medication and regular counseling.
I was sitting next to my mother when she asked Dr. Martha if I should forgo the female hormone therapy and go back to living as a male. I was angry when she asked Dr. Martha that question because I felt that after what she said to me at home, her questions was a betrayal of her promise to me.
Dr. Martha said that in her opinion, I would be much better suited to cope with my problems as a woman than a man, and she strongly advised me to begin female hormone therapy.
I was stunned and elated when I heard Dr. Martha say that she thought it would be in my best interest to live my life as a woman. I suddenly felt validated. But I was floored when Dr. Martha told us that we might want to consider breast augmentation in addition to the hormone therapy.
Me with breast implants! Maybe even right away! "Can we?" I asked my mother.
"I don't know honey. We'll see. Maybe. We should really talk to your father about it." She turned to Dr. Martha and asked, "By the way, can you give us a ball park figure on what a total sex change would cost?"
Dr. Martha told us that SRI was in the neighborhood of $25,000 or so.
"That much," said my mother disappointedly.
"Yes," said Dr. Martha. "And unfortunately most insurance companies don't cover the procedure."
She went on to tell us that one of her friends could do the breast augmentation for less than $2,000 if we were interested.
My heart fluttered as my mother took a business card from Dr. Martha and put it in her purse.
"Just so you know," said Dr. Martha. "Most people in Michelle's situation never get full SRI, because of the expense, and the difficulty of finding a doctor who will agree to do the surgery. There's a lot of red tape involved. Oddly enough, many transexuals don't feel the surgery is even necessary for them to lead satisfying and productive lives as women."
"But what about sex," asked my mother?
"The joy of sex takes place in the brain," said Dr. Martha. "Having a penis or a vagina isn't a prerequisite for experiencing love and intimacy."
I listened as my mother and Dr. Martha debated the gender of my potential sex partners.
"So you're saying Michelle is bisexual," asked my mother?
"We're all wired for bisexuality," said Dr. Martha. "Michelle's preferences could lean toward either gender or may be slanted to one sex more than the other. However, Mike's sexual preferences are tainted by a moral objection of homosexuality."
"You're talking about her as if they're two different people," said my mother.
"That's because there are two distinct personalities at play," said Dr. Martha, "and they're at odds with one another. Michelle depression is being fed by the guilt her male side feels."
Dr. Martha went on to say that she could prescribe a medication called Symbyax for me that would help manage my emotional highs and lows. She also said the anti-psychotic portion of the medicine would squelch some delusional feelings I had for my mother.
"Its not emotionally healthy for Michelle to want to be your clone," said Dr. Martha to my mother. "But its perfectly acceptable and even advisable for you to be her role model so that she can be LIKE you."
"And here is where it gets a little sticky," said Dr. Martha before pausing to take a sip of coffee. "As her mother, you can't help but think about Michelle as being your daughter. She's not your daughter. You don't have a daughter. You have a son and his name is MIke."
Dr. Martha continued, "The person sitting beside you is Michelle. She may be fifteen or almost fifteen, but she's a woman nonetheless, and you should think of her as one."
"Are you saying I should treat her as an adult?"
"Of course not. Its bad enough that she's smoking like an adult, but I'll cross that bridge next. I'm just saying that you'll be tempted to think of Michelle as a little girl and she's not a little girl because you're not a little girl. Its important that you understand that Michelle's problems don't stem from being born into the wrong body. She's definitely transgendered but not in the classical sense of being born into the wrong body. Are you following me?"
"I thinks so," said my mother.
"What about you Michelle," asked Dr. Martha? "Does my diagnosis seem on track with the way you feel?"
"It's like you can read my mind," I said.
"Good," said Dr. Martha. "As I was saying, you'll be tempted to treat Michelle as your young daughter, but I need for you to think of her as a young woman, more or less like your peer. I know she can't vote and she's too young to drink, but she needs to interface with you and hopefully with your friends as a peer."
Dr. Martha took another sip of coffee. "I know it sounds confusing, but its important for Michelle's well being that you understand. You need to help Michelle become a woman who is like you and who shares your characteristics. But she can't be your clone."
My mother said she understood and I followed it too.
"I want to talk about the smoking now," said Dr. Martha. "As a general rule of thumb, I don't approve of my patient's smoking and I say that as a doctor and a woman who used to smoke. However, I'm going to make an exception in Michelle's case because of her unusual situation. As I said before, she's transgendered, but not in the classical sense."
"I seriously believe that Michelle will have difficulty functioning productively as a woman unless she is smoking because of how strongly she identifies with you."
My mother asked if it would help if she her self quit smoking.
"Not at this point in her development," said Dr. Martha. "The association she has made with womanhood and smoking have already been strongly imprinted on her brain. If you quit smoking now, it could actually be detrimental to Michelle's well being. She needs the camaraderie of other woman smokers at this stage in her development. Of course that doesn't mean the both of you shouldn't try to quit, preferable together, at some later date, but definitely not any time soon."
"There's one more important reason for Michelle to continue smoking," said Dr. Martha. "The Symbyax medication I'm going to prescribe has one major side effect. Many patients wind up gaining between 20 to 40 pounds while taking it. Its been my experience that smokers who are eating a well balanced diet don't succumb to the weight gain side effect. And believe it or not, smoking will also aid the medication in fighting her depression because nicotine releases serotonin into the brain."
"I'm convinced that extreme weight gain so early in her female development would hurt her self-esteem. Its very important that Michelle feels looks her best. That's why I'm recommending that you allow her to continue smoking. And as I said earlier, breast augmentation could also be beneficial."
*****
That six hour appointment with Dr. Martha Collins made an immediate impact on my outlook. I left her office feeling as if there was hope for me. Despite the way I felt sometimes, I wasn't a "sissy-pervert". Yes, I got off on the things I was doing but it wasn't my fault. I couldn't help having the urges and fantasies that I was having.
Forget about feeling like a woman. For the first time in my life, I felt more like a human being than a freak.
Comments
What?
Dear Sharon,
I really like your story and I've been trying hard to pay attention and figure out the meaning of your writing.
The first shock I had talking to other TSs was that their story, feelings, etc. were almost identical to mine. I never realized that people could be so similar in their head.
Until this chapter, I was a little confused by Michelle's self-hatred; it seemed somehow different then feelings of TSs I've talked to, watched on telly or read about, fictional or in autobiography.
This chapter has me extremely confused. Was Michelle's psychiatric diagnosis drawn from a real source or fictional? I always assumed one's transsexualism was separate from any mental disorder, retardation, or other brain condition. I inherited a strong tendency for depression from my mother; one of her brothers and an uncle committed suicide. I figured they had the same genetic problems that I do, with respect to depression. My father's method of punishing my TSism when I was young, probably made my depression worse, but in general TSism doesn't make people depressed or bipolar or schizophenic. I think the opposite is also true.
Here are two ideas that seem to contradict each other:
"As her mother, you can't help but think about Michelle as being your daughter. She's not your daughter. You don't have a daughter. You have a son and his name is MIke."
She's definitely transgendered but not in the classical sense of being born into the wrong body.
To me, the "classical sense" of being "transgendered" (transsexual) is to be born with a brain, or at least a gender identity region of the brain, of the sex opposite the sex of one's gonads. Also, I thought "transgendered" was an umbrella term which could include TS, TV, etc. IMHO if someone identifies and needs to change er body and live full time in the gender opposite to the sex of er birth gonads, e is transsexual. Unless one considers an autogynophiliac to be TS, I don't know of any other type of TS.
A child with male gonads who knows that she is a girl (inside, if you will) has GID. When properly diagnosed, she is realized to be a girl with a physical problem. If she has a mother, then she is her mother's daughter. I thought that was basic. Female brain = female individual. Female offspring = daughter.
Maybe someone else can explain this to me.
Hugs,
Renee
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
I am Michelle and Dr. Martha
Those feelings and illnesses are all mine (non fictional). The "cure" is what I wanted and needed but didn't get. Writing this story is my way of getting the cure. I'm sorry people don't agree or can't understand. I wish they could be happy for me as I get what I want through writing this. I hope they can enjoy the story too, but I realize you can't please everyone, which is something Michelle is going through now.
Its not easy having a mixed up brain and living in a society that can't understand you any more than you can understand it. Fiction is a way of giving myself a gift where I can feel the abnormal is normal enough and accepted and tolerated.
Understanding
From the way you wrote, I was sure that you had real knowledge of someone like Michelle/Mike. Over the last several years I have read quite a bit of TG fiction and have generally concluded that transsexualism is much like most other human conditions: highly varied in extent and particulars. My own experience seems to be partly innate and partly a reaction to my father's interaction with his kids. My sisters were clearly loved more deeply and openly than I, and I found myself fantasizing what it would be like to have breasts like they developed, and perhaps being a complete woman. Like many, I cross dressed, usually with a sexual element and had tremendous feelings of shame afterward. As a male, I am highly heterosexual, but in my female persona I see things rather differently. Most of THOSE fantasies are rather dark and humiliating, perhaps mirroring what I absorbed unconsciously from my father, who had affairs that caused tremendous fights between him and my mother about anything but sex, fights that made no sense to my conscious mind. Inside, though, I equated excitement with illicit sex, and sexual desirability with being a woman of loose morals.
Like you, I did not have the opportunity to truly explore those feminine urges at an early age through chemistry and/or surgical means. I grew up to be a tall man who could not pass on his very best day, and I mostly forgot those urges for many years. Nowadays I have come to understand myself much better and have come to grips with most of my inner demons. While I still have dark urges I recognize them for the destructive things they are. I satisfy that side of myself through fiction, but concentrate most of my pleasure reading on the positive, nurturing aspects of my feminine side, incorporating that into my daily life as a slightly more empathetic and understanding man than the one who grew up in a household that treasured females and thought of boys as people who grew up to do "man things" and bring home the paycheck.
So, while I do not think of myself as a TG/TS on a daily basis, I know that I have an important side of myself that demands some form of expression along those lines. It is much too easy for those who "find their niche", whether it be heterosexual, gay, bi-, or TS to look at others and want to exclude them from their tent, and deny that they have a foot in any other tents.
Human beings just aren't that simple, and I'm glad to be reading your story, your wishes. They are as valid a part of this universe as any supposed "mainstream" TG/TS writings, and we are all the richer for experiencing them.
SuZie
This chapter left me scratching my head...
Nothing the Doctor said made any sense to me in a real world sense. From the smoking, to the diagnosis of bi-polar and that he should be a woman (not girl) because he could deal with things better from a female perspective...??
He/she MUST smoke??? This is a medical opinion??? Someone freshly diagnosed bi-polar SHOULD start hormones?? Maybe blockers I could see...
I've liked this story for the most part until this chapter, now it has really lost me..
I don't understand...
Hugs
Frank
You are not alone there!
Frank dear,
a lot of what psychiatrists say does not make much sense ! A lot of what they do is based upon work done by people who were not very scientific in their research and who projected their own fantasies onto their patients. Look at all that stuff from Sigmund Freud for example. Penis envy? Most of the girls I grew up with thought the anatomical attributes of boys in those regions looked ridiculous. If there was such a phenomenon as penis envy, why are there nearly ten male wannabee females to every female wannabee male? The only psychiatric stuff that works and has proper experimental proof for it is behavioural psychology, conditioned reflexes and the like. All human behaviour is conditioned reflexes.
Briar
Briar
What I Liked Best About This Chapter
Is the last line.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
At risk of getting my head chopped off
I can sort of understand where you're coming from here. The human brain is a complex beast and who knows what drives others? I spent many childhood years denying that there was a problem, yet still knew it existed - and it scared me witless.
When I eventually could take no more (about 12 years ago) I went to see a psychiatrist who (a) seemed to listen to what I had to say - a first, and (b) was very keen to rule out other conditions that might influence the apparent wishes of the client.
Basically, he seemed to support what you wanted to do unless you gave him grounds for caution. He wasn't cheap, but he was good for me.
Sorry my comment is a bit late; I've only just started reading this story and got this far in two days.
Susie