A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 50

Did David/Jayne accept?

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Part 50

Wednesday 4th January 2006

"What are you doing?" queried Helen, wrapping her arms lovingly around me.

"I'm trying to see if the alarm has gone off on Stacy's PDA," I replied, continuing to tap away on my main bedroom computer. This wasn't a job for the PDA, unless I was desperate. "I don't want to wake Stacy by sending this message."

"I'm sure Matilda could have done it by now," teased Helen.

"I'm sure she could have," I agreed, tilting my head back, and getting the hoped for kiss. My body started to tingle and I quickly returned my concentration back to the computer, or I might never finish what I was doing.

"So?" prompted Helen, when I squeaked with success.

"Hers isn't set." I tapped a bit more. "However, Andy's went off twenty-eight minutes ago. It seems they get up really early."

"What are you waiting for? Send the message," Helen eagerly demanded, jarring me from my thoughts on whether the early wakeup was for this mysterious medical stuff that Andy had mentioned. I really must ask Rachel what this dilation is.

"Hold your horses," I protested, as I pulled up the message we'd composed earlier and majestically hit the send button.

"We're committed now."

"We didn't put that much information in the message," I pointed out.

"True." Helen gave me a slightly worried look. "You do want this, don't you?"

"Yes," I reassured, before giving an enormous yawn. "Oh, I think I'm going to need some strong coffee to get through today. I don't want to be falling asleep at tonight's party, so I'll see if I can have a nap after the trip to the farm."

"That sounds a good idea," Helen grinned lecherously.

I didn't get to respond as the phone rang, which was probably for the best. The PDA showed it was Stacy.

"Hi, sorry to message you this early. Do you have a time for a chat before breakfast?"

"Of course. Is this just you, or is Helen joining us?"

"Just me, if you don't mind."

"Don't you have enough private time with me already? If we're not careful, people are going to start talking."

I heard Andy, somewhere in the background, burst out laughing. I'm glad he did, as I thought she was serious at first.

"You're not laughing," Stacy pointed out, after I was silent.

"No, I'm not."

"How do you want to do this? Do you want to join me on my morning run, or would you rather we sit down and chat?"

Running was tempting. If the discussion gets too bad, I could just leg it. Though on second thoughts, Stacy is very fit, and would probably catch up with me.

"Would you mind if we, umm, had a chat in a nice warm room?" I almost sounded apologetic.

"Sounds good, especially in this weather. Andy's still going for a run and wondered if Helen wanted to join him? "

I passed on the offer to Helen, who agreed and scurried off to get changed.

"Helen is a go with that," I told Stacy. "I'm going to jump in the shower, so give me ten minutes."

"Since I'm not running, I'll be showering too, so don't panic about time. We'll knock on Helen's door, so you can get ready in peace."

Not wanting to be caught by their arrival, I closed the interconnecting door and took my clothes into the bathroom, so I could get ready there.

I can't believe Helen asked me that last night; well I suppose it was this morning. I know the worry about what happened in Russia is still playing on her mind and she doesn't want to lose me. Heck I don't want to lose her, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that commitment. Anyway, isn't the guy, supposed to do the asking? Just one more spade in the burial of my masculinity. I've only seen the discrete symbol of affirmation on Fran and Ingrid in year-two, so it doesn't look like they have all sorted themselves out. It was obvious during the revue practices that Sophia and Renee only use one room. I wonder why they haven't been through affirmation.

Worried about how long I'd been showering, I quickly pulled myself out of my introspection and rushed to get ready. I shouldn't have worried as Helen was just leaving with Andy.

"So Jayne, what do you want to discuss this early in the morning?" asked Stacy, as I quickly grabbed last night's abandoned clothes from the floor to put into the laundry chute. I noticed that she noticed the male pyjamas, but she didn't say anything.

"Yesterday's comment." I swallowed, trying to keep myself from being ill just at the thought. I think I managed, because it wasn't a surprise, and I'd had time to digest things. "Were you serious?"

I don't know if it was the bluntness of the question, or the subject, but a quick look of surprise flashed across Stacy's face.

"Before you came to Hayfield, had you ever been out with anybody before?"

"No, but what's that got to do with it?"

"Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. Mostly, I'm just nosey. Yesterday, I had a theory about what was making you ill. What I said was the only thing I could think of to see if my guess was right. I don't want you having issues when you get close to Helen, like you did at the revue."

"Thanks," I said relieved, as I didn't like having those issues either.

"Just knowing what causes it has helped a bit, but I know it's something I'm going to have to discuss with Rachel. She has scheduled me in for Saturday to chat about it, which I'm sure she is looking forward to."

"Yes and no. I don't think she likes any pupil being ill like that, but I'm also sure she is also worried about what you and Helen might do if you aren't ill."

"Huh?"

"You knew Helen before coming here. Besides Anna and Jill, you are the only ones in year one that are so close to each other. I think they are worried that things will progress quicker than you are ready for."

"Helen proposed last night."

It was a good thing that I'd not offered Stacy a glass of water, or she would have sprayed it all over the room. To her credit, she quickly recovered. "So? Don't just sit there. Tell me everything!"

It didn't take long to tell her. During my narration, she sat there amazed and kept prompting me to go into an excruciating amount of detail.

"So how long were you back in male clothes?"

"Not that long. Helen lasted a bit until after the proposal. Once she'd got that off her chest, she seemed to think back to earlier and the worry about me being shot." I realised that I was talking about my feeling and tried to get things back on a safer topic. "So what is the procedure about affirmation?"

"You need to see Rachel to discuss it. She won't stop it, but she will counsel you both, especially on whether you're both ready for this commitment. Yes, it might not be marriage, but the school takes it as seriously as a marriage."

"We're ready," I said confidently.

"Really? You are both only thirteen. Don't you think this is a bit young to think about affirmation?"

"I'll be fourteen next week." This got a small, almost exasperated shake of her head.

"And you asked about yesterday's question? If I'd repeated yesterday's proposal and said that I wanted us to jump into bed and you be the first one to try out my new plumbing, would you have been telling me about Helen's proposal?"

"What about your affirmation with Andy?" I shot back.

"Indeed, but you haven't answered my question."

"I love Helen with all my heart, which is why I said yes last night, well, this morning. So, are you going to tell me what else has to be done, apart from telling Rachel?"

Stacy sighed. "Okay, book an appointment to see Rachel. She'll discuss it with you and explain the process. You will then need to arrange the people you wish to be involved and when you are ready, Mr Hobson will make the announcement."

"Do you think we're rushing things?"

"A little. You might be fourteen next week, but you are still a bit young to decide on such a commitment. You will be the first year-one that I've heard of that has ever done this. I know you have known each other for years, and you guys know a lot more about each other than most do in year-one, which is what might stop Rachel having kittens. In some ways, I wish I could be there when you tell her, just to see her reaction."

An evil thought jumped into my mind and I broke into a grin.

"What are you planning?" asked Stacy.

"Oh, nothing." I couldn't help but grin.

"How much sleep did you get last night?"

"Since Helen had her nightmare, we haven't been back to sleep. We just needed to talk about things. Apart from our chat with Edith, I'm going to see if I can get a nap for a few hours so I don't fall asleep in the party tonight."

"Okay, but expect a grilling when you turn up yawning at breakfast. The last time you looked this tired was when you broke the school rules. You didn’t break them last night, did you?"

"No." I paused, trying to decide whether to ask Stacy something now or wait until later. Stacy must have seen I was wrestling with something as she waited, looking expectantly at me. "Is it worth it?"

"The affirmation ceremony?"

"No, what you went through to become Stacy?"

"For me it was."

"Do people who transition ever regret doing it?"

"Sometimes, though rarely at this school. There was a case last year where a psychiatrist thought a pupil was transgendered because they didn't tell them the whole truth; so even at this school things aren't always perfect. At least that got sorted out before things went beyond discussion."

"Do people have the op and then change their mind?"

"It does happen, but thankfully it isn't often. You'd have to ask Rachel, but I'm not aware of it ever happening with any pupils from this school."

"Do you think I would be better staying as Jayne forever?"

"Only you can answer that. I doubt even Rachel would answer such a question. Only you should make the choice for you. And having The Op is only one option. Think about Jill, she plans to live as Jill, but never change her plumbing, and there are many other variants. Let's hope Andy's bit of dress up fun with you will help you try to discover you."

"That's still going to happen?"

"Sure is, but when you are ready. Don't you think there's been enough excitement over the last week? I'm sure Rachel wants to make sure everything is calm before she lets Andy go off the deep end."

I felt horrified and I did nothing to stop that horror being plastered right across my face. It sunk in; d I knew that Andy, being the person he was, might have a laugh, but would never do anything to hurt anybody. I'd seen how upset he'd been after the action that once in the orchestra. My horror and fear melted and I gave a nervous laugh. "I look forward to it ... I think."

Helen came back exhausted. "Andy, I said to take it easy with her," admonished Stacy.

"I did," he protested.

"We are more used to cycling and have only just started jogging," I explained. "Also we had slightly less sleep than normal."

Andy's eyebrows shot up.

"You didn't tell him?" I asked Helen.

"I didn't know how to," she panted.

"Helen proposed last night," I explained.

"Way to go, Helen!" Andy paused and then asked, "Aren't you a bit young though?"

"I'll be fourteen next week," I protested.

"I'm sure Rachel will bring it up, too," Helen sighed.

"We aren't telling you not to speak with Rachel," Stacy explained. "Just be aware that there will be some surprised people out there and probably suggestions that you wait."

"I know. Can you keep this to yourselves for now?"

"Of course. It is always good for any announcement to be a surprise. Jayne, I'll see you after breakfast. Do you want me to collect you like yesterday?"

"Sounds good."

Stacy and Andy left, and Helen went to get a shower. Alone, I began to worry what others would say. I want to be with Helen forever, but are we rushing things? I don't think so, as we've known each other for years. Ingrid and Fran had got their relationship affirmed the other month and they've only known each other just over a year.

"Do you think we're rushing things?" Helen asked, disturbing my thoughts. She sure does shower quickly.

"Not really, as we've known each other a lot longer than a lot of other couples have. Are we a bit young? Perhaps, but I don't think I'll change the way I think about you in a year or ten. According to Stacy, we have to tell Rachel and she will guide us through the rest."

Helen sat quietly for a minute, before asking "So you do want to go through with this?"

"Yes."

"Then send Rachel the message now," urged Helen.

"Do you mind if we wait until breakfast? I want to help a wish come true for Stacy."

"Which was?"

"She wished she could see Rachel's face when we told her."

It took Helen a microsecond to understand and she sniggered in appreciation. We spent the time before going to the common room to outline a plan of what we would send. We both tried our best to keep the silly grins off our face.

Neither of us felt too tired as we went down, though we knew it wouldn't last. Indeed, a yawn during breakfast by Emma set me off, and Helen obliged by yawning too.

"Are you okay?" asked Keith, obviously concerned due to the sizes of our yawns.

"Yes, just a bit tired," yawned Helen. "I had a nightmare which woke us up and we found it hard to go back to sleep afterwards, so we talked a bit about the nightmare and other stuff. I'm feeling a lot better now, and if it's okay, we talked about having a nap later, otherwise we might fall asleep during tonight's party. If I need to, I will go to see Rachel to talk more about it."

While we were eating, Helen sent the message to Stacy, "Standby for your wish to come true" while I sent off the message to Rachel. "Helen proposed last night. Can we see you sometime to discuss affirmation?"

Rachel was sitting at the year-five table, which let Stacy and Andy have a good view of her reaction, but unfortunately we missed it. On the upside, it gave her time to think about the situation. Well, I hope it was an upside. Mr Hobson was sitting at the year-C table, which we did have a good view of, and a few minutes after we'd send the message to Rachel, he suddenly started coughing on his coffee. A quick glare in our direction didn't bode well for later. However, our mobiles stayed eerily quiet and no response came before the end of breakfast.

"You didn't break the rules again, did you?" hissed Jill, as we made our way to the common room.

"What do you mean?" I said innocently.

"The only time I've seen you this tired, and trying to suppress a happy grin, was when you and Helen broke the school rule about keeping on your underwear that once."

"We didn't break any rules, though we could have done with more sleep. As we told Keith, and you heard, Helen had a nightmare which kept us up."

"And the silly grin?"

"I'll tell you later," I whispered.

We weren't back in the common room long before Stacy turned up. "See you all later," I said as I walked to the door.

"Rachel asked if Helen could come too," said Stacy. Why wasn't I surprised!

The whispers of "good luck" from year-one made me realise how many thought we'd broken the rules again.

"How did Rachel take it?" I asked Stacy, as we made our way up the stairs.

"Choked on her porridge."

"Oops. Perhaps we shouldn't send notes like that during meals. I think she must have forwarded it to Mr Hobson, as he glanced our way after spluttering on his coffee."

When we arrived at Edith's office, only Edith was there. "Come on in. Dr Ruiz said she would be a few more minutes as Mr Hobson asked to see her."

Helen and I sat on the settee and Edith took her usual chair. As we waited, she must have been looking us over, as she asked, "Jayne and Helen, are you okay? You both look rather tired."

"I had a bad nightmare last night which woke up Jayne. We didn't get to sleep after that."

Helen started crying as she remembered vividly the nightmare. All I could do was hold her, and repeatedly tell her that I wasn't dead. She had just started to recover when Rachel slipped into the room and took a seat.

Still in my arms, Helen recovered enough to explain her nightmare, though at times she came close to breaking down again.

"Does retelling it now cause as much grief as it did last night?" asked Edith.

"No, it was really bad last night. It took me a while to realise that the person holding me was the one I thought was dead. I think Jayne got a bit worried at one stage, and nearly called for help."

Turning to me, Edith asked, "Why didn't you?"

"Because Helen started to calm down. She just appeared very upset and confused; nothing worse."

"What time did this happen?"

"About three."

"Don't let the hour cause you to hesitate ringing for support if you think you need it," said Edith. Rachel nodded in agreement. "I'd feel better about getting a three am phone call asking for help than having you, or another student, suffer. So Helen, how have you been this morning?"

"Tired, but I don't seem to be suffering anything else. Will I get more of these nightmares?"

"Probably. Not every night, but probably. You'll most likely have more nightmares until you have all the issues worked out. It's not anything to be ashamed off. People who suffer trauma commonly get nightmares."

"Does anybody from the Alpha team?" I asked, looking at Rachel.

Rachel looked at Edith, like she was asking permission to answer. "Now and again. Not always after they have been on a mission either, but some things they see hits them weeks or months later. There's no simple rule."

Edith stood up. "I'll leave you to have your chat with Dr Ruiz. Give me a shout when you're finished."

Stacy spoke for the first time. "Rachel, it might not be a bad idea for Edith to stay, as some things that happened will be of great interest to her and it saves them being repeated."

"Stacy, how much do you know?" Rachel asked, as Edith retook her seat.

"Everything, I think. Jayne called me early this morning and I spent time going over it with her while Helen went for a run with Andy."

Turning to us, Rachel asked, "I presume your conversation after the nightmare was why you sent me the message this morning?"

"Mostly."

"Okay, for Edith's benefit, over breakfast I got a message from these two, to discuss them holding an affirmation ceremony."

They must do the same thing in America, as Edith seemed to know what it was.

"Who proposed to whom?" asked Edith.

"Helen asked me to change, so she could propose to me as David." Edith and Rachel started scribbling earnestly on their PDA's. "Once I was changed, Helen got down on one knee and popped the question."

"How romantic," Edith sighed. Rachel must have been made of sterner stuff as only a small smile made it to her face. "Yet Jayne is here this morning, not David. Helen, how long did you last before the visual impact became too much?"

"About half an hour," said Helen, slightly ashamed.

"That is progress," reassured Edith. "A few days ago, you didn't last a minute before fainting."

"Helen didn't freak out though," I explained. "I saw it was becoming hard on her, and I suggested I change, which she accepted."

Rachel turned more serious, and was almost stern. "You said that you didn't go back to sleep. Did you break any of the school rules?"

I thought about being flippant, but decided it wouldn't be appropriate. "No. We didn't have sex and we kept our underwear on while in the same room."

"So what did you do?"

"We chatted about Fran and Ingrid's affirmation ceremony, and what we might want in ours. We also then discussed what had happened in Russia, and the impact the Beta program had on us."

"Such as?"

"If we were too young, the problems we've had since, if we should continue with the Beta team, if it should exist at all."

"And?"

"We still want to make a difference, and we do seem to have certain qualities, which makes us fit in well. We decided it is something we do want to continue with."

"Do you feel you're too young?"

"I think we weren't fully ready, but I'd rather have more training than give up. I'm not sure how much training helps with being shot at. I suppose there must be something, or soldiers would go potty."

"Some do, even after training. Before you came here, did either of you ever cover World War One during your history lessons?" asked Rachel.

"No," Helen and I said together.

"Okay, it might be interesting for you to read about the reactions of some of the soldiers and how they were treated. At the time it was called Shell Shock. Today we now call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The officers didn't understand, and described the soldiers that were suffering as cowards. When they were asked to go back to the frontline and couldn't, some were shot for desertion."

"Am I suffering from that post thingy disorder?" Helen asked, worriedly.

"We don't know yet. It is all about a matter of degree. Some people can learn to live with stress. Some understand eventually what happened and get over it. Others continue to suffer for many years after."

"I still get the occasional nightmare from my rape, but it doesn't rule my life," interjected Stacy. "It is something I've learnt to live with. I've also learnt that some people that are raped still get frightened to go out by themselves years later.

"Will this stop me being part of the Beta team?" worried Helen.

"If you are suffering and can't cope, then would it be fair on you, or others, to put you in that situation?"

"I suppose not. I want to make a difference though."

"If we need to, we can make a difference in other ways." I put my arms around Helen to reassure her.

"Helen, why don't we go and have a chat about affirmation," Rachel suggested, getting up.

I looked hopelessly at Helen as she got up. I still dreaded this chat with Edith about what happened in Russia. However, I knew that if I didn't talk, Helen would be very upset with me.