The next few days were drab and depressing. Those few hours I spent at the church and with Millie would be treasured forever. Each time I looked in my closet and saw the dress, I felt some part of me expand just a bit.   Samantha's Story part 3 By Maid Joy

The Next Week

The next few days were drab and depressing. Those few hours I spent at the church and with Millie would be treasured forever. Each time I looked in my closet and saw the dress, I felt some part of me expand just a bit.

From looking at the dress, it was a short step to pulling it out and putting it on again. I couldn't go to class in the dress, but at least I could study and do homework in it.

I wasn't too scared of being caught by anyone I knew, I was pretty much a loner. I had acquaintances in class, people I sometimes had lunch with, but no real friends no one I wanted to hang out with. I was part of no clubs, no groups, no sports boosters or fraternities. I didn't really want to do anything social. I had been told by my therapists that I was "self contained".

But that time at the church, it touched something in me. There was a loneliness that I hadn't realized existed in me. I found I wanted a social network now. I didn't understand why but I felt like I belonged to something there.

I had never been deeply religious. What kind of a real true God would mess up and put me in this body that felt so alien and then allow all that had happened when I tried to simply be myself? I couldn't ask that kind of God for anything, and I sure didn't believe that a God of that nature could save me.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bitter about it, I was simply neutral about it. I felt that there was an intelligence out there, be it God, Jesus, G_d, YHVH, what ever you want to call it, but I didn't believe that it cared squit about me personally, nor did I feel that it could do anything much to help me directly.

So it was always up to me to make my life better or worse.

I grabbed my wallet and used my computer to see how much I had in the bank. Okay, I just got my "paycheck" from mom. I have a grand total of $200 for the next two weeks. Using my meal plan, I could eat at the cafeteria once a day, I could get by on just that for a meal, so that saves that money. Rent is paid. Water bill... how much was that? Forty bucks. Okay, I can do this, if I'm cheap.

I decided that I would go back to church Sunday, if only to see Millie again. But first I would need a wardrobe.

I spent my time in the Salvation Army store. Jeans for 50 cents, full outfits for $1.50 or less made sure I'd really get my moneys worth. I had budgeted $40 for this splurge, but every cent I could hang on to would be a bonus.

Dresses first. I saw that the Easter Dresses had come in now that the big day was over, and I mentally smacked myself for not realizing that the fabric was a problem when I bought my first dress. I felt really self conscious looking around in the store and the female section.

If this was a story, I'd look up and see Millie in here to help me shop. I did look around, but I didn't spot spot her. I sighed and carried on.

I kept looking around and found a few dresses, light and airy things, pastel colors and very nicely cut. One was like a sundress, but it had more decoration. I saw it would need a slip if I didn't want to be embarrassed. I fell in love with it the first time I saw it. Thankfully it was one of those that used a belt to size it, so I would fit it easily, once I cinched the belt on.

The other dress I bought was an A-line shift dress with a handkerchief hem. It was a beautiful shade of Periwinkle, and it looked as though it were made out of a cloud. The hemline was low enough that I felt it was modest, even though there were no sleeves. I knew that it would feel wonderful once I had it on.

The price was right too, these two dresses cost only $5 with the accessories I would need, belts, purses and shoes. Not a terrible deal.

I looked around and bought a couple scarves, some blouses and two pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts. I figured if I would be doing my homework in "drag", I needed something more than Sunday dresses.

I went to the underwear area and looked at what they had to offer. I got four pair of socks, a couple pairs of panties and three bras. I hated buying used underwear, but I couldn't afford much choice.

For what I got, I thought the money I budgeted was right on. I wanted to save at least half of it to get some makeup, but I realized that I only needed a few things in that area.

I was a bit embarrassed and nervous as I went to to pay for it all. The person behind the register didn't bat an eyelash, just greeted me and asked me to give my best to my sister when I gave her the stuff. I promised I would and took my new wardrobe home.

As soon as I got there I stripped off the clothes I had to wear and like any girl with new clothes, tried everything on. I realized I would have to get a full length mirror soon. Right now I was just happy that my guesses and mental conversions of men's clothes to dress sizes were accurate enough that I could wear everything without looking ridiculous. I admit that I sighed deeply when it was all hung up in my closet and out of view.

I went back out to the local Claire's in the mall. I tried very hard to act like a typical male and just walk in and buy what I was after, but I couldn't help looking at the various jewelry and bangles, finally winding up buying a whole bunch of cheap thin metal bangles that were 12 for a dollar. I picked out a pair of piercing studs, and a bottle of sanitizer. The clerk asked me to wait for a few. I couldn't understand why until she gestured to a bar stool. "If you'll just sit down I can get started piercing you ears."

I was stunned. The blank look on my face must have tipped her off because she grinned and and recited, "At Claire's we value you as a customer, and offer free piercing when you buy a pair of earrings from us." She smiled again this time it was genuine. That I was a guy didn't bother her a bit, apparently so many guys had so many piercings my two little holes were unusual only because it was just two.

I got home again and reflected on the irony of having a very good time while shopping, just like a typical girl.

I had gone out a couple more times to get things like hose and ankle socks. I wanted to find a decent pair of female athletic shoes, but since they were about $50 for the most inexpensive pair I wanted, It would go on the list of soon but not now until I could save up more money.

Every day when I got home from class and I changed into a set of girl clothes. Panties, bra, blouse, jeans, low socks and my shoes, some light makeup and I felt ready to watch TV or do my work or whatever. I never forgot to turn the earrings and clean them twice a day. I worked hard on making my hair look nice, and I shaved every other day.

I noticed that when I shaved my face, the moisturizer and skin care routine really freaking hurt. The best I could do was to shave before bed and then to do my skincare routine in the morning.

Saturday morning I shaved my legs every where twice and ironed my dress so it would be ready to go. I nervously check the panties, bra and stockings to make sure they were clean and ready. I thought about ironing the panties and parts of the bra, but I realized I needed to polish my heels of choice. I found the day had gone pretty much into getting ready for Sunday. I wanted to just be able to bathe get dressed and get out to the Church tomorrow.

I called Millie. She and I spent a few moments and I let her know that I was going to church tomorrow. We made arrangements to meet a couple hours before church so I would already be there when everyone else arrived. I promised to help her get everything ready for the service.

I had started studying more and I understood now why my eyebrows were misshapen. Apparently I had them peaking over my pupil instead on the outside of the iris like I should have. I carefully began to reshaped my brows. When they looked decent, I practised adding pencil to fill in the gaps. A quick trip to the Library to get some books I needed, and then home to dress up and be comfortable.

Morning came and I made myself ready. Shower, shaving the little bits of hair that's left on my body, drying and doing the whole moisturizing skincare thing. I loved the way I smelled.

I pulled on my panties and my bra. I grabbed the inserts I bought so long ago and inserted them carefully in my bra. I pulled on a pair of hose and made sure they were on correctly, no sense letting them bind up.

Finally I got out my new periwinkle dress. I pulled it on and zipped it up and put a white belt on over top. Feeling the hem of the dress around my legs was such a wonderful feeling. I did my hair up as best as I could, and it looked nice enough. I moved into the bathroom and tucked some tissues in around the neck of my dress.

Makeup was next, starting with the foundation. Then all the rest of the makeup was done in a few minutes. Looking in the mirror I really did look much better.

I carefully pulled out the piercing studs in my ears, even though I wasn't supposed to for at least another week. I got the dangly earrings I wore last week and cleaned them then slid them into the now empty holes. I had used one of the "turn pierced earrings into clip on" things I found in a five and dime, which was cool, but it really didn't look good.

I checked my appearance in the mirror again. I needed a necklace and some jewelry.

I dug into the bag of jewelry I had and selected some of the bangles I got. I clipped an anklet around my left ankle and then put a ring on my right hand again. I slid "Sam's" watch into the purse I was going to take and finally removed the pendant from the necklace I normally wore. Now it was just a plain silver chain. When it was on, it looked marvelous.

Shoes on and then grabbing my purse, I made my way out of the apartment and to my car to go to church.

When I got there, the parking lot was mostly empty. There were a couple scattered cars around for those whose duties mandated that they show up early. I found an open door and made my way to the vestry again looking for Millie.

When I found her in her husband's office she let out a little squeak.

"Samantha! You look absolutely wonderful dear!" She and I hugged and she kissed me on the cheek. None of that air kissing that I despised when I saw it, but a real peck showing me just how glad she was to see me.

I kissed and hugged her right back. "Millie, it's wonderful to see you again. What can I do to help?"

"Please, Samantha, call me Mom Porter like everyone else does. Or just Mom. About the only person that calls me Milly is my husband."

"Yes ma'am." I said solemnly. I found a place for my purse and then we both started setting up things for the day.

I enjoyed the chores, setting out hymnals, printing up the program for the day, opening and unlocking things so that people could get in, answering phones and setting out the offering envelopes on the table.

It was odd, but while I was there, I had absolutely no self consciousness. I wasn't scared, I wasn't really conscious of being out of place. I was just me, clothed elegantly (if on a budget) and I smelled nice. I liked being here dressed like the girl I wanted to be.

Millie must have seen something in my attitude because when I saw her she had a smile on her face as she looked at me. At least I think it was because of me, but I guess her husband could have seen her again.

Finally it was time for the service to start and Millie handed me a stack of programs to give to the kids who normally gave them out. I found the girl quickly enough and handed her the half she was supposed to get, but when the boy showed up he had a broken arm. He and his parents were very apologetic and the boy was embarrassed for having let the church down, but I told him that it was okay and that I would take care of it.

Little Sally and I stood in the doorway to the Sanctuary and handed the programs out to those who came in. Just that simple action had me remembering things from when I was young and when I felt safe in the Church.

When the last program was handed out I moved quickly back to get my purse. As I went back to the Sanctuary I noticed a little boy in the playroom without anyone. I pushed open the door and went in to find him quietly playing on his own in the room.

"Honey? Why aren't you with your Mommy?" I asked.

"She sends me in here to play because I'm too loud. It's okay, I do this all the time."

I believed him, but it still made me a bit concerned that a child would be left alone. "How about I sit in here with you and listen to the service? Would you mind the company?"

He indicated that he wouldn't so I found a chair just as the service started over the loudspeakers. Pastor Porter was a good speaker and it was apparent in the timing and timbre of his voice as he delivered today's sermon on "rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar's and unto the Lord what was the Lord's". He pointed out that just because we were saved in the Kingdom of Heaven that didn't mean we were saved from Jail. "Jesus died for your sins, but he won't do your time," was pointed out once.

Meanwhile Billy played with the cars and the blocks, fairly quietly, just very energetically. He didn't yell or jump around, but he didn't sit still too much. Over the course of the sermon, other mothers came in and out with their babies or their small children to keep them from disrupting the service. We would nod in greeting to each other and I would just rock and enjoy the sermon. Occasionally I had to remind Billy to put things back where he found them.

It was almost a shock to hear the closing prayer and to know that this outing was over. I was sad that I would be home soon.

Millie found me in the chaos of the departing church members. "Samantha, I didn't see you once the service started. Where did you go?"

"It's okay, I was back in the playroom where the nursing mothers go watching a little boy named Billy who was playing in there. He didn't have an adult with him so I thought I would keep him company."

"Oh, that's so sweet of you honey. Billy is a little dear and his mother has four other littles to keep track of. He tends to instigate things with his sisters so we gave him and his family permission to let Billy play while the service was going on to keep him from being really disruptive. He entertains himself in there and everyone is happy."

I nodded. "Well, I didn't want anything to happen to him or for someone to take him, so I stayed to keep an eye on him. It was no big deal."

She grinned at me. "You have a true mother's heart. You'll make a good one someday."

I must have hesitated a bit while cleaning up. Soon I felt Millie hugging me again. "Dear, I didn't mean it like that. Anyone who loves children and who is patient with them will make a good parent. I have no doubt you will too.

"Oh, that reminds me, I need your help Wednesday night if you can. We are having a clothing drive for the less fortunate that night, and anyone who has extra stuff is encouraged to bring it. It's not for sale, it's for give out when there is a problem like a fire or flood or something. Wednesday there's a lot of people who will be bringing things to us and I need some help in the taking it in and sorting. Do you think you could help us that night? Free food for the volunteers."

I thought about it. I had class that morning, but I didn't think I would have much homework. I said I would be there by 7 PM to help out. She smiled at me like a mother whose was pleased her girl gave the right answer.

I stuck around several more hours and helped clean and put things up. It wasn't really any big deal and I didn't feel tired or anything, it was just part the normal maintenance that needs to be done to keep a large church running. Every time I saw Millie or Pastor Porter they smiled at me, and I had a chance to make the acquaintance of many more members of the Church.

It was beginning to feel like home to me.