Little Pink Pills

Part Eighteen, by Michelle Wilder

And the opening title scroll,
and the score comes in and under.
And I'm in the starring role,
in a world of love-struck wonder;

It's a tale full of promise, about two crazy kids;
Falling in love, but in flashback.

(Film Noir, by J. Webb and Carly Simon)

(Revised and reposted)

----

Listening to them, I felt like the whole world was different.

I mean, like I thought it was Carson who was so... I mean... she was a ~girl~! She was incredible....

But it was me who they thought was... whatever. ~More~ different.

And they all ~always~ did.

And they all thought it was gonna be me that the bullies and bigots and Carruthers and whoever would pick on. More.

It was warm.

-

Carson hugged and whispered me into not worrying about any of it for then. It was all the same stuff, and just that they were talking, nothing new....

----

As embarrassing as it was, or was in the morning, I fell asleep and missed the rest, even the take-out.

Val said Jason begged and everyone laughed, but Carson carried me upstairs.

Or she said, anyway.

She made up all sorts of lies and stories while she dried my hair.

Val.

She said at ~least~ I missed Carson and Jerri and her having to explain over and over and over again about surgery and hormones and cross-dressing and what words meant... and my nails were still perfect.

----

Mom said I needed at least one more day of resting up before school if I couldn't stay up long enough to eat supper. She said I had to eat more than toast for breakfast, too.

And she said Carson really did carry me upstairs last night, but Dad got me undressed, not her.

Val had said I could have Strawberry for keeps if I was gonna carry her around anyways... and she gave me her matching nightie for real, too. And a kiss on the cheek.

Mom said I could take her to school but I had to leave her in my pack or she'd stay home.

Carson said she'd remind me. I forgot: Carson came over for breakfast. She wasn't saying much, but Mom and Val were probably beating her out.

Mom said I'd have to go see the school nurse about my pills again too, just because they were prescription.

Carson said I had to see Mr. Lopez, too, about washrooms. She didn't look like it was a joke. Then she said it was just 'cause I needed a key, and kissed me.

Mom said I had to see him first thing, anyway, and last period, at least the first day, to check in about feeling okay and get set with my classwork and other school stuff.

And she said she was gonna try to get me in to see Mrs. Fairhaven today. Carol. Before school. That I had to go see Carol before I could go back to school.

Everyone said it was gonna be a hard day for me. Going back to school. When I did.

Me too. I was getting scared, even if my leg felt pretty good most of the time. Even with the GSA thing. Even with Carson. For Carson.

I didn't say any of that, though.

----

Val had to leave for her weird Thursday schedule, just one class at nine in the morning. She went around the table and kissed all of us on the cheeks and said she was dizzy....

-

Carson had to head to school a few minutes later and I followed her to the front door. Before she put on her jacket she gave me a kiss, and then just held me.

After a few seconds, I realized she was scared. More than I'd been.

"Carse?"

"It's okay." She hugged harder for a second.

I tried to hold on harder, too. "What?"

She just held on, and I had to ask again. "What?"

"It's nothing...."

"What? It's not nothing." It really wasn't.

"Just... now all the teachers... and coaches... know about me...." Her breath was shaky. "And...."

She just held me.

I'd felt her shake before.

I didn't know what to say. More than anything, I wanted to go with her and help... keep her safe. Make her feel safe. Make anyone who hurt her stop.... To die or something.

"Mom!!"

----

"I can't give her permission to skip, honey, I'm sorry...." Mom was. "The club isn't general knowledge yet, not after one night-"

"But she needs someone with her to make sure none of the ~teachers~ are... like... that!" I hugged her arm and tried to get Mom to see.

Carson didn't seem to want to talk about it. About anything, and I had to get it all by myself. I hugged harder.

"All of them have the memo things and even if they don't say Carson's name, they all know what everyone's doing and they'll figure it out and what if one of them is transphobic?!" I thought of another thing...

"I mean, and today, the... the alliance isn't there yet and her parents still have to meet more with the board lady and if any of the teachers are bigots, they could-"

Carson shivered. That was it. There ~weren't~ any students on her side, yet, and-

"What if a teacher ~outs~ her today, Mom!?"

Mom looked at us and asked really quietly, "What if that happens tomorrow, or the next day?"

I couldn't believe she didn't see!

"But ~I'll~ be with her tomorrow!!"

-

Carson sat with me, already late for school, and Mom called Mr. Lopez.

-

"I'm sorry...."

"For what? I'd be afraid if you weren't there with me! I bet you planned everything for school, like the GSA and last night, and today, and never even worried about how scary it'd be, didn't you?"

Carson would. She woulda thought it out like a football play and ignored any bad feelings that got in the way, or pretended they were just things she could push past or tackle. But she was scared to tell me, before. Even then. She looked away.

"Carse?"

She looked at me, almost. I wanted to cry that I made her feel so bad. I just kept her arm, so I could think and talk.

"Remember you told me you just ~knew~ who you were?" I waited for her to nod.

"That was like the biggest feeling in your life, wasn't it? I mean, who you are?"

She nodded again, and looked at me more.

"So the biggest ~feeling~ is the biggest truth, the most real... fact in your life."

I knew how to say it now. I kissed her shoulder.

"Feelings, and being who you are, and being happy, and being in love... they're the most important things. The ~real~ things." I closed my eyes so I could say it all right. What Paul said.

"The school, the GSA and everything... it's so you can ~feel~ safe." I thought. It was hard. I knew I was talking too fast. No-

"No! You have to ~be~ safe, too. It's for that, too." I had it. What Jerri said, and Carol, and Paul, all of them!

"But you have to ~feel~ safe, and love, and happy, too." I got her to look right in my eyes.

"It doesn't matter if all the teachers are great! Or if the whole school is totally cool with us and the GSA and everything!" I leaned in and hugged her.

"You're afraid they aren't. Me too. What if they aren't all okay." I breathed. It was hard not to cry.

"Carson...." Breath.

"You said, 'I love you,' and I know it's true and it's real, and more important... more than ~anything~ to me! And if you're scared, it's true and real too, and more important than anything else at school."

-

I kept feeling something almost like what I felt when I was talking to Carol. Like a wave inside me.

Like Carson. Big and true.

----

Mom came back into the living room and sat on the other side of Carson.

"Okay. Mr. Lopez said the packages ~haven't~ been distributed and are still in the main office. Mr. Carruthers wants them updated when the board confirms their policies, which will be Monday, they both thought, and then just copying time. So they'll go out to the school staff on Tuesday or Wednesday and they'll ~both~ call your parents and confirm they're being distributed, the night before."

"Annnnd I called Mrs. Dunst's office at the school board and they ~are~ dealing with that during Monday's meeting, Monday morning, and she said it was just to make sure any notes from other schools in the district are attached or whatever." She smiled because she knew my question.

"And I called your father and explained, and that you'd be late."

"So...?" She looked at Carson.

"So," I said. Mom didn't know everything.

I looked at Carson. "If it's just Mr. Carruthers... and maybe a couple of the office people? And the same, the same students as yesterday, will you ~feel~ safe?"

Carson looked at me, and then Mom. I thought we were asking really different questions.

Or maybe Mom wasn't even asking a question.... She looked almost mad at me.

"Mom! She's ~scared~!"

Carson half-turned and looked at me.

"I'm better, really." She tried to smile, too. "Thank you."

She kissed my forehead and then turned back to Mom.

"I ~was~ really scared, but I think I can cope with just Mr. Carruthers... and... and... what they're, um, doing. Thanks for calling, like that, it really.... Thank you."

She looked back at me. Her eyes were still bigger than calm, but better.

"I promise."

----

"So."

Ten minutes later, Carson was gone. I'd wanted to drive with her, and maybe get Mom to follow and drive me back....

I was still scared for her, and Mom looked exactly the same.

Carson had driven out of sight, so I sat down around. Mom sat beside me.

"She was going to charge in there, even if she was terrified," She sounded mad, too.

"And you wanted to go along with her, even more terrified, and unable to do more than show her your support? Even needing her help to get around?"

"But-"

"But ~you~ decided that how she felt was what she should base such an important decision on, not school rules, or even the law."

"Only-" I could feel my eyes....

"Aht!" She stopped me and then put her hands in her lap.

"Were you going to say something like, 'Only for really important feelings,' like her being really scared?"

She looked at me. Like, how would I know what was important? Like, I couldn't help her.... Like I couldn't....

I had to nod. I wanted to cry, that Mom was so mad at me. That I couldn't really help Carson....

But she ~shouldn't~ have gone, before!

"Do you remember, a long time ago, you asked me how you could know if you loved someone?"

I didn't understand what she meant.

"And I said you'd try to take care of them, and protect them, and do your very best for them? And you said, but all you'd been was sick for Carson?"

I didn't have to think more than a couple of seconds. She slid over and hugged me as hard as Carson and rocked a couple of times.

"I'm very, very proud of you...."

-

"You're not mad?"

I still had to ask again, even if I was almost sure. Even when she said, every time.

"Not the tiniest, smallest bit." Mom grinned at me a second and went back to massaging my ankle.

"You did a courageous thing, and took responsibility for Carson when she couldn't." Another look, without a grin.

"You stood up to me, even though you thought I'd be angry, and thought things out and went against the rules when it was important. You took care of her." Her eyes were shiny again, but she looked back at my foot.

When she looked up, her eyes were still shiny, and she had a smile.

"Carson is a lucky girl, to have you."

She finished with my ankle and wiggled my little toe.

"This is a really pretty color. Did you choose it?"

----

At nine Mom tried Ms Fairhaven and got her answering service, but she called back a half-hour later and said she had time next noon, but nothing today. Mom did a half-bad face at me and said we'd take it. Friday.

-

"I'm sorry, honey, but I really want you to see her before you go back to school." She sat back with me and bumped shoulders to make me sit up and give her room.

"Maybe we can still go to the football game tomorrow evening?"

----

A couple hours later, I'd got up the courage to talk with Mom. I decided to ask her about something else, sort of. And then try.

-

"Mom?"

"Mmm?" She looked over from vacuuming and then turned it off. "Yes?"

The feeling was like a pressure bandage around my chest. Or maybe I was just afraid.

"Do you think some things are true just because we think them?" As soon as I said it, I knew it was wrong. Said it wrong. It didn't make sense like that....

And I had to think again so I wouldn't have to say what.

-

"If I... ~thought~ something... and... and there was nothing real to know it from... like, evidence? Could it be true?"

"Something... like a fact in a book? A scientific fact?"

"No. I mean..." It was hard to find a word....

"Something like someone's name, that you just haven't been told... yet?"

"No, I mean like a ~really~ important thing... but it was like I just ~knew~?"

"Well... why would you think it was true and not just a made-up idea?"

"...."

I had to think.

-

"I mean a... something in real life... but something that's just in my head, and... not just an idea.... But like it ~felt~ true, like ~really~ true...?"

"Mmm.... So... something inside you?"

I nodded, too scared to talk. She seemed to almost know.

She thought a long while.

-

Carson said it was who she was, and she was the person who could know that best. And she ~knew~. But she knew forever. It was realer if it was always who she knew. It was her.

It was easier to think about, to almost feel what it was, when I thought about Carson.

-

"Is-"

"Can... ~knowing~ something... be a feeling?"

Mom said she'd think about it. She said that was a hard question.

----

I thought about it, too. Mom wasn't mad. She said ever.

I had to hold Strawberry tight to think about it at all.

I remembered that I'd be seeing Carol and had to think about what to tell her. Too. What to ask.

-

I held Strawberry and wished she could talk.

----

I sat down at the kitchen table, and right at noon called Brenda 'cause she always turns on her phone right at the lunch bell. And they'd both be in algebra....

Mom sat down and watched me.

"-ello?"

I bet it rang while her thumb was still on the power button.

"Hi, Brenda! Is Carson there?!"

"Wow! I can tell where I stand in ~your~ esteem...."

"Oh, Brenda! You're my kindred spirit! My dearest friend! My bosom buddy! You're near Carson with a phone!"

"Well... so long as I'm still number one.... Carson! Guess who!"

"Hi..."

"Hi, Carson!! How'd the morning go? Are you okay?"

"Hi, there. I'm okay. Sorry I have to be quiet, I'm in the hall.... Yeah, it was normal, even in the office when I checked in. Thanks."

She said thanks like I could feel her breath. I got warm and felt that shiver.

"You're welcome.... I love you."

"Me too." Hallway.

"I wish I was there with you. I miss you."

She didn't say anything. I could hear the noise.

"I have an appointment with Carol tomorrow at twelve and Mom doesn't want me to go to school before I do, so Monday, but she said we could maybe go to the game?"

"Tomorrow? That'd be great! We play at Rosedale." I could see her smile.

-

"I wish I was kissing you...."

Mom made a funny sound. When I looked she was looking at the window.

-

"You ~bad~ girl, you!" Brenda could hardly talk.

"What!? What happened to Carson!?

"Stan- standing right... here... trying to...." She started laughing harder.

"Please give her the phone again? Please?"

Mom sounded like she was sneezing.

"Carson? Are you there? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to embarrass you!"

It was quiet. Quieter than hallway noise, but I could tell she was there.

"I really wish I was kissing your neck...."

Mom scraped her chair and got up and rinsed her plate.

-

"You shouldn't be allowed to use phones! I swear, I'm gonna have to wash this thing!" Brenda was laughing and snorting. Even whispering.

"What happened to Carson?!"

"How should I know?! She ran off like you bit her! What did you say??"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Un hunh."

"That's all! I swear!"

"And after that?"

"Unh...." I felt warm. "I just said I wanted to kiss her...."

-

When the laughing stopped, she sounded like she was in a quiet place.

"Still there?"

"Yes! Is Carson there yet!?"

"Nope. My guess is she's in her car... about half-way home right about now." Brenda wouldn't stop giggling.

"Driving home? What?! Did she say why!? What happened!!?" A hundred bad things...

Brenda started howling.

"Brenda!!"

Mom sounded like she was laughing in the living room, but it was a funny laugh.

----

When I figured it out, I almost died.

----

I had to avoid Mom 'til she stopped giggling, too.

----

As soon as Valerie got home, Mom went out. She said she had to see Dad at work about something.

-

I'd had mine, but I sat at the table and watched while Val made a sandwich and heated soup for her lunch.

I wished I had Strawberry. I tried not to think about her, but I wished she was there.

But I had to.

-

"Val?" I was shaking. My hands, on the table. I put them down in my lap.

"Mm?"

I had to take a breath. She turned around to look at me.

"Did you ever..." I tried to look at her.

"Did you ever know something and then you felt different?"

I looked down because I was embarrassed, but it was hard. And I ~had~ to talk about it before Carol... and Val was the best. Maybe better than Mom or Dad.

And I ~knew~ what I meant.... I knew how to say it, too.

"I mean, like it made you feel different, after you knew? Something really, really important...."

I knew I wasn't being clear.

Val pushed her soup and sandwich over and sat down beside me, close.

"What kind of thing?" She said it quietly, like, okay.

Like, don't pretend. Like, say it.

My face hurt like my leg, it was so tight.

-

"Mizzz Fairhaven, she said... about Strawberry, about hers... her Strawberry when she was little..."

Val sat very still. I could look just for a second and see her.

"She said, sh-she said, she was taking... she was keeping her... safe...."

"Her little girl."

I felt myself turning cold. Or pale. I felt like my face was wet.

"She said she... she kept her ~self~ safe... a little GIRL!"

I think I wanted to yell, or scream. I wanted Val to hear for sure so she could tell me... but I couldn't look.

She was there.

I took a deep breath that was just a little gasp.

"I...."

"I think I'm the same! I feel this thing, so... so BIG and it almost ~hurts~ and it's so big and it's inside me and Jerri said feeling big things is HARD... and it IS and I'mm-m-m... I'm ~scared~!"

-

I looked.

Valerie was looking at me, and she was smiling. She slid her chair over even closer. An inch.

"Come here."

I couldn't move.

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me, more holding than a hug.

"I never felt that way about her. About Strawberry."

She looked over at the doorway. Strawberry was on the couch in the living room where I left her. Like she could see.

"I never took care of my little girl with her. I never made sure she was safe. She was just a doll, a cute toy."

She rocked me a tiny inch. Then she kissed my hair, and breathed into it.

"I took care of you."

"I kept my little sister safe."

-

End of Part 18