“I- I’m sorry, what?” Luke asked incredulously as Paul muttered a barely audible ‘Jesus Fucking Christ’ under his breath.

“I said that I don’t want to be a woman any more,” the distraught youngster replied. “I don’t want to be a woman, and I don’t want to be called ‘Lucy’ any more.”

“Well it’s going to be confusing around here with two ‘Lukes,’ ” Luke replied. “’Cause I sure as hell am not giving this name up.”

“Alright, okay,” Paul said loudly, instantly silencing his two children. “Lu- Lucas, that’ll what I’ll call ya for now ta avoid any confusion. That’s what we’d have called ya both if we had two boys anyway, Luke and Lucas.”

“…I can live with Lucas,” the newly named young man said quietly, feeling his cheeks burn as he faced his family. “…Yeah, Lucas — Lucas Miller. I like that.”

“So… what, that’s it?” Luke asked. “Ya have one setback and ya just quit?”

“Wh- ‘setback?’ ” Lucas replied indignantly. “I nearly DIED today! If I’d fallen one foot further I’d have been on the tracks!”

“O- okay, maybe ‘setback’ was the wrong word,” Luke conceded. “But it’s not like you, you know, broke your leg or anything?”

“Guys! Enough!” Paul snapped, instantly silencing his two children. “Luce- Lucas. Are ya — are ya absolutely sure about this? ‘Cause over the last few years, everything yas been through, even the hormones you’ve been taking you — I mean, I don’t want to word it like your brother, but this — isn’t this a bit sudden?”

“…Over the last couple of years, have you ever taken the time to ask me how I’m truly feeling?” Lucas asked, earning a stern stare from his father in reply.

“Whenever I thought you needed help,” Paul replied with a low growl. “Which wasn’t often thanks to Covid, you being away most of the time and — oh yes — the fact that ya couldn’t trust me or your mam with your secret for months — years, even.”

“I’ve been around the whole time, though,” Luke said firmly. “By your side every second of the day. And you’ve never said ANYTHING to me. Whatever happened to ‘what we do, we do together?’ ”

“How could I have told you when I knew you’d react like this?” Lucas asked, before biting his lip to hold back tears as the front door opened and the twins’ mother rushed into the living room with a clear look of anguish on her face.

“I got home as soon as I could,” Sarah said, before holding back tears as she saw Lucas’s bruised face. “Oh god, Lucy…” Lucas sniffled and allowed himself to openly weep as his mother held him in a gentle, loving hug, but his relaxation was short-lived.

“Not anymore,” Luke snorted, making Lucas groan as a confused look spread over their mother’s face.

“L- Lucy?” Sarah asked, her frown deepening as Lucas shook his head.

“N- no,” the young man whispered. “I- I’m not Lucy anymore. I- I’m Lucas.” The young man tried to hold back his tears as his mother looked at his father for explanation, only to be met with a shrug from the older man.

“L- Luce- Lucas,” Sarah said softly. “Are… are you sure about this? Have you talked it through with your counsellor?”

“N- not yet,” Lucas mumbled. “I- I’m going to, umm, going to arrange a call for later.”

“Well, I hope you talk it through with her carefully,” Sarah said, still visibly struggling to process what she’d been told. “It- it’s a big decision, and-“

“Yeah, I- I know it’s a big decision,” Lucas interrupted, leading to an awkward silence in the room.

“Well, umm, if- if you’re sure,” Sarah mumbled.

“Mm,” Lucas grunted in reply. “I should — I should get upstairs, call Dr Adams….”

“Lu- umm, Lucas, wait,” Luke said, scrambling to his feet and hobbling toward his twin. “I- I want to understand. Like, why you’re doing this. P- please?”

“I- I need some space,” Lucas replied, turning his face so as to hide the tears in his eyes and unknowingly preventing himself from seeing the tears in his twin's eyes.

Defeated, Luke fell back onto the sofa, sinking into his seat as his parents headed into the kitchen to talk. To Luke, his twin’s announcement had come completely out of the blue. Every time Luke had seen ‘Lucy,’ ‘she’ had shown no signs of believing ‘herself’ to be anything other than 100% female. Luke found it impossible to believe that if Lucy — or rather, Lucas — had been unhappy, he wouldn’t have told him. They’d shared everything — not just the good times, but the difficult times as well. Luke had always felt that he could trust his twin with anything and that the reverse was also true, but if Lucas felt that he couldn’t confide in him, Luke wondered just how close they truly were — and whether Lucas felt as alone as he now felt….

In his bedroom, after trying and failing to reach his counsellor by phone, Lucas sent an email instead, requesting an urgent appointment, before opening his wardrobe and his drawers and feeling his head start to spin. In front of him was the collection of clothes that he had yearned to have for so long, that were once contraband but had since become his everyday. Lucas sighed as he pulled out the three nearly identical denim miniskirts that had become part of his — or rather, ‘Lucy’s — signature look at university. When he’d first worn them, they’d felt almost like armour, garments that ‘Lucy’ could use to protect ‘herself’ and send a statement to the world that she was unambiguously a woman. However, after the morning’s events, ‘Lucas’ saw them less as armour and more like a target he’d deliberately painted on his back.

Lucas felt the pain and regret build inside him as he emptied drawer after drawer onto his bed — blouses, bodysuits, dresses, skirts and even shorts and jumpsuits ended up in the pile. Underwear followed next — tights, panties and bras, the latter of which made Lucas feel especially conflicted as he felt the imperceptibly small but tender mounds on his chest. ‘Lucy’ had worn a bra that morning, but ‘Lucas’ would almost certainly never need to wear one again. As Lucas ran his finger over the soft cotton of the undergarment, though, he began to feel sad — almost nostalgic for the feeling against his chest….

Lucas’s attention was snapped away from his growing garment pile by his phone beeping to inform him of a new message. Lucas smiled and sighed when he saw the message was from his and his brother’s oldest friend — but he frowned when he read what the message actually said.

‘Are U ok?’ Susie’s message read, followed by several ‘sad’ emojis. ‘Just had a text from Luke saying you’ve had an odd turn?’ Frowning, Lucas replied with a simple text of ‘I’m fine’ before switching his phone to silent and sitting down at his dressing table, growling angrily as he saw his plain reflection.

His anger had been directed toward his brother — after all, who was he to ‘out’ Lucas to their friends before he was ready? However, as Lucas stared at his reflection, he realised that all his brother had done was bring forward the inevitable. Even with his hair hanging loosely around his face, even after months on oestrogen, the truth was that he had a man’s face. Even when covered with make-up — as it was that morning — it would always be a man’s face. Lucas would have no trouble passing as a man again, and as he slicked his hair back and looked at his reflection, he realised he couldn’t NOT pass as a man.

Sighing, Lucas picked his phone back up and prepared to send a more detailed, not to mention more honest text to Susie, only to discover that he’d had several missed calls in the time he was sat at his dresser — not from the ginger-haired girl, but from Kieran. Frowning, as he'd always thought of Kieran as more Luke's friend than Lucy's, Lucas hit redial and prepared to lay down on his bed to take the call, only to sigh when he remembered that the contents of his wardrobe were strewn over the bed — not to mention two lace-fringed pillows and delicate pink cotton sheets.

“Lucy, thank god,” Kieran said, answering the phone after two rings. “Susie told me what happened today at the metro station, I was worried sick about you guys!” …And as Susie witnessed that first-hand, that’s fair enough, Lucas thought, musing on how he didn’t flinch or even react to being called ‘Lucy.’

“It — yeah…” Lucas sighed. “The important thing is that me and Luke are both okay, just a few cuts and bruises, that’s all.”

“…Lucy?” Kieran asked his voice filled with confusion. “Are you sure you’re okay? You sound kinda, like, weird, like you’re not yourself?” Lucas smirked in bemusement at his friend’s comment — he’d spent so long imitating a feminine voice that reverting to what he felt was his ‘natural’ voice felt strange to him as well and as Kieran had never heard that voice before, it no doubt would come as a surprise to him.

“Yeah, I’m….“ Lucas replied, before sighing. Their friends would have to find out sooner or later…. “I- I’m not, like, ‘Lucy’ anymore. I — my name is now ‘Lucas.’ I- I’m not a woman, like, anymore.” Lucas bit his lip and tried not to cry as his friend paused before continuing.

“…Are you sure about this?” Kieran asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Positive,” Lucas replied. “I- ugh. Something’s been, like, ‘wrong’ for a while now. Like, ‘off.’ I didn’t know what it was but it- it turns out it was me all along. This morning just proved that, I guess.”

“Still though, it’s a bit of an extreme reaction, isn’t it?” Kieran asked. “I don’t know whether or not this would be offensive, but — you never struck me as being, like, masculine. You were — well, I guess ‘Lucy' was — just as girly as, like, Priya, or Claudia or any of the other girls on campus.”

“No offence taken,” Lucas replied with a shrug. “And I- I hope you don’t take offence, but — why were YOU of all people looking at the girls on campus?”

“Umm, no reason, just…” Kieran mumbled in reply, before sighing. “Lu- Lucas, I — will you, like — I mean, what are- what are you going to do with, you know, ‘Lucy’s’ clothes?”

“I dunno,” Lucas replied with a shrug. “Sell the fancy stuff on eBay, give the cheaper stuff to Oxfam, I guess. Why?”

“Can- can I have some of it?” Kieran asked in a small, almost terrified sounding voice.

“Why would you want any of my old cl- oh,” Lucas said, his eyes widening as he pieced together what his friend was implying. “So- so you-“

“Yeah,” Kieran whispered. “And I didn’t want you to find out like this, especially not with what you’ve been through, but- ugh. For what it’s worth, I DON’T consider myself to be transgender, at least not- not fully. But there are times when, you know, there’s a part of me that wishes they were a bit, like, more girlish. And again, I am SO sorry that you ended up finding out like this, on today of all days, but….“

“Don’t — don’t worry about it,” Lucas chuckled. “And obviously I’m happy to be your, like, ‘secret keeper’ if ever you need someone to talk to about this. And yes, obviously, you can have your choice of the clothes.”

“Thanks,” Kieran said gently. “And obviously, I’ll give them all right back if you ever change your mind about being ‘Lucas.’ Or even if, you know, you ever feel like being ‘Lucy’ again even for an evening, or whatever.”

“Trust me, that’s not going to happen,” Lucas scoffed.

“You say that now,” Kieran said. “But will you still feel that way in a week’s time?” Lucas paused to think — for years he’d been obsessed with becoming ‘Lucy,’ with being able to express the feminine feelings he’d harboured for his entire life. And while he’d rejected that life following the assault that morning, it didn’t mean that those feelings never existed. It also didn’t mean that he could never be feminine again, if he wanted to — after all, he could follow Kieran’s example and 'dip his toes in' occasionally if he so chose.

“…I’ll let you know in a week’s time,” Lucas said quietly, smiling when his friend laughed. “And thanks for feeling you could trust me with your secret, I know how hard that must have been for you. Heh, I know first hand how hard that must have been.”

“That’s why I knew that whether ‘Lucy’ or ‘Lucas,’ you were the perfect first person to tell,” Kieran whispered. “It was one of my resolutions for 2021, to tell someone — preferably you. Heh, guess my plans just got moved forward a bit. And obviously, if you ever need any help, any assistance, anything at all, please, PLEASE call me. I do not like it when one of my friends is hurting.”

“Sorry,” Lucas mumbled.

“Oh- no,” Kieran said firmly. “YOU don’t apologise. That fascist scumbag who hurt you? THEY should be sorry. Them and everyone like them.”

“No argument here,” Lucas chuckled. “So, umm- do you want to come to Newcastle to, like, pick up the clothes or something?”

“It can wait until we’re back at uni,” Kieran said. “And I repeat: as far as I’m concerned, I’m only borrowing them, keeping them safe for you.”

“Keeping them warm?” Lucas teased, smiling when his friend giggled.

“Cheeky,” Kieran replied. “And obviously, when we’re back at uni, I’ll introduce you to ‘Kiera,’ hehe!”

“I look forward to it!” Lucas said. “Talk to you soon, Kieran.”

“You’d better,” Kieran replied, before ending the call. As he laid back on his bed, Lucas let out a long, tired sigh. He remembered back to the time in Autumn 2019, when Kieran had worn his skirt and university hoodie back to their dorm when he and Luke had been surprised by their father — why hadn’t he pick up on the clues then? And if ‘Lucy’ had had ‘Kiera’ as a confidante — in much the same way that Luke had his fellow trans man friend Anthony — maybe he wouldn’t have made the same decision….

“Hey,” Luke grunted as Lucas slunk down the stairs to sit next to him on the sofa. “Did ya talk to Dr Adams?”

“Ah- no,” Lucas replied. “Left a message.”

“You were talking to SOMEONE….” Luke said as he engrossed himself in his own phone.

“Oh- yeah, umm, I- I talked to Kieran,” Lucas said.

“Right,” Luke said. “Ya can talk to Kieran, but not me, then?”

“HE called ME,” Lucas retorted. “And anyway, why have you already told Susie about me being — well, ‘me’ again?”

“I didn’t,” Luke snarled. “I just said that you were feeling unwell after what happened. Which you ARE.”

“Just ‘cause I’m not transitioning anymore, it doesn’t make me unwell,” Lucas spat.

“I didn’t say THAT,” Luke retorted angrily. “Luce- ugh. You’re shaken up after what happened. I am too. I was after that twat Barnes broke my leg, too. I was so blinded by anger, I couldn’t think straight for days, especially when I was cooped up by myself in hospital.”

“I’m not angry, though,” Lucas said. “Maybe I’m getting angrier now….”

“I didn’t say that YOU were angry,” Luke said. “I’m saying that you’re scared. God knows anyone would be in your position.”

“…Maybe a little,” Lucas mumbled, biting his lip to blink back tears before letting out a long, pained sigh. “Where are mum and dad?”

“Mum’s in the kitchen,” Luke replied. “Dad’s gone out for a bit, I dunno where.”

“Hopefully NOT to find the bastard from this morning,” Lucas grumbled, before sighing and standing up. “I- I’m gonna see if mum needs anything. D’you want anything from the kitchen?”

“No thanks, I’m not hungry,” Luke mumbled, sighing before picking his phone back up and opening Facebook. Taking this as a hint that his company was no longer desired, Lucas let out a long sigh and headed into the kitchen, where he discovered their mother busy preparing what looked like a cake.

“Oh, hi Lu- umm, Lucas,” Sarah said in an almost nervous voice as the young man entered the kitchen. “Can I get you anything?”

“N- no, I’m okay,” Lucas replied. “I was just wondering if, y’know, you needed a hand with anything in here?”

“No, I’m fine,” Sarah replied. “Just making up one of those coconut cakes that you and Luke both love, you know, like you had on your birthdays?”

“Thanks,” Lucas said with a smile.

“Your grandma taught me this recipe when I was about your age,” Sarah said as she continued mixing. “I always thought I’d pass it down to my daughter one day, heh.”

“Well… what stopped you?” Lucas asked, biting his lip as his mother put down her bowl.

“Well, for one thing, a daughter who decided one day that she didn’t want to be a daughter anymore,” Sarah replied in a dark voice. “And then ANOTHER daughter who decided one day that she didn’t want to be a daughter anymore either.”

“Well — umm…” Lucas replied as he felt tears well up in his eyes once again. “You can — you can always, you know, teach me still, like, I’d LIKE to learn, still….”

“Well, then it wouldn’t be a mother-daughter tradition, would it?” Sarah retorted, not seeing the tears well in her child’s eyes.

“I- I’m sorry,” Lucas mumbled.

“I wish — I just wish I understood what was going on with you,” Sarah sighed. “You AND Luke.”

“You could always ask us,” Lucas said. “As a kid I was always jealous of how close you and Luke were, all the things you did together. Then I come out as your daughter, and it’s like you didn’t even want to know me.”

“…You were already at university at the time,” Sarah reminded her child. “And we were locked down literally days after you came out, it’s not like we could’ve done anything together even if we wanted to!”

“ ’If’ we wanted to?” Lucas asked.

“…Maybe you should ask your brother if he wants this cake,” Sarah said in a low voice. “I wouldn’t want it to go to waste, after all…”

“Maybe I should,” Lucas said, walking out of the kitchen and past his brother without saying a word. Lucas rushed up the stairs and into his bedroom, where he flopped down on his bed, surrounded by all of ‘Lucy’s discarded wardrobe and wept into his pillow….

Luke allowed himself to lose track of time, as he browsed through social media on his phone after his argument with his twin, only finally looking up when Paul walked through the front door, dramatically sighing as he sat down in his usual living room chair.

“…Good drive, then?” Luke asked nonchalantly.

“I didn’t mind tha drive so much,” Paul replied. “It was when I got ta where I was going that things got a bit less good.”

“Okay….” Luke said. “Where did you go, anyway?”

“Ta see your grandparents,” Paul replied, sending a shiver down Luke’s spine.

“Okay,” Luke mumbled. “And as you presumably DIDN’T drive all the way from the north of England to the south of Spain and back again in 45 minutes, I assume you mean…“

“Yep,” Paul said, staring at his hands clasped in front of him before continuing.

“…And I’m guessing it didn’t go well, then?” Luke asked. “I’m not sure I even WANT to know….”

“Well, ta cut a long story short,” Paul said, “I told ya grandpa about your leg, about today’s — well, ‘incident,’ about Lucy-slash-Lucas….”

“…And?” Luke asked.

“And….” Paul replied, before taking a deep breath and sighing. “He said — and I quote — ‘I hope they had some sense kicked into them.’ ”

“Wha… seriously?” Luke asked with an angry sneer.

“Yep,” Paul sighed. “Though I imagine he got even angrier after I told him he could fuck off.”

“Seriously?” Luke asked with a chuckle.

“Seriously,” Paul echoed. “I thought his head wa’ going to explode when I said it ta him. I made it very clear ta him that either he supports his grandchildren for who they are, or as far as I’m concerned, he’ll have no grandchildren and no son either.”

“…Thanks,” Luke whispered, blinking back a tear of his own. “That — that can’t have been easy.”

“Sprinting up the side of Everest would’ve been easier,” Paul said with an exhausted-sounding laugh. “I hope you never have ta — well, I hope I never do anything that’ll make yas — both you and Lucas — have to talk ta me tha way I talked to my dad. AND my mam. She looked heartbroken, bless her, but she — I don’t think she’s ever once dared ta speak up ta my dad as long as I’ve been alive. Which is no doubt why he married her, heh.”

“Yeah,” Luke whispered as his cheeks began to burn. “I- I’m sorry that you had to, like, go through that, and-“

“No! YOU don’t ever need to apologise,” Paul interrupted, before giving his son a reassuring smile. “If my dad wants ta be stuck in tha 1970s, then he can stay there for all I care. Keeping yas both happy is my priority, not keeping him happy.”

“Thanks,” Luke said, sharing a genuine smile with his father.

“And on that subject, I still feel bad that yas had your day of fun ruined, with Susie and Gavin,” Paul said. “I think your mam’s baking a cake, how about ya invite them round and we’ll have some dinner out in tha garden today?”

“What, like a rule of six, socially distanced belated birthday party?” Luke asked, smirking as Paul nodded. “Well I know I’D love that. Can’t speak for ‘Lucas,’ though….”

“I’ll go and talk ta him,” Paul said softly. “You go and text Susie, let her know tha offer stands. Probably.”

“Okay,” Luke said, picking his phone back up as his father disappeared upstairs. With a sigh, Luke opened his messaging app and read back through the messages he’d earlier exchanged with his flame-haired friend.

‘Are U home yet?’ Susie had texted. ‘Lmk when you’re home, I’m really worried about you two.’

‘We’re back,’ Luke had replied. ‘I’m okay. Can’t say the same for Lucy.’ Luke took a deep breath as he scrolled to the unread message he had received since sending his reply.

‘Oh no,’ Susie had typed with a ‘sad’ emoji. ‘Wish there was something I could do for you both. Send her all my love xxx’

‘Will do,’ Luke typed, before sighing, deleting his message and pressing the ‘call’ button on his phone. Luke didn’t even have to wait for a second ring before his friend answered.

“Luke?” Susie asked, almost in a state of panic. “Oh, thank god! Are you guys okay? Still at home? You said something was wrong with Lucy, is she okay? Is-“

“We’re both — well, ‘fine’, I suppose,” Luke replied.

“You don’t sound ‘fine,’ ” Susie retorted. “Is your leg okay? And what’s up with Lucy? She texted me back, but-”

“My leg’s fine,” Luke interrupted. “But Lucy, she- he- they- ugh. I- I dunno. It’s probably best that you speak to Lu- to ‘them’ yourself, get the full story that way.” Luke bit his lip and frowned as he found it impossible to refer to his twin — his brother — using male pronouns, even though he knew he would have to learn to, and quickly.

“Are- are you sure?” Susie asked.

“…I know that I am,” Luke replied. “Can’t speak for my twin, though….”

“Well, o- okay, I’ll call her, then,” Susie said. “I just wish that I could just, like, see you guys, reassure myself that you are both okay.”

“Honestly, we’re — physically, we’re fine,” Luke said firmly. “Though dad’s doing his usual ‘let’s all have something to eat and forget about the traumatising thing that just happened’ thing. If you fancy, I dunno, a barbecue or an outside dinner or whatever.”

“Text me the time and I’ll be there,” Susie said, bringing the smile back to her friend’s face.

“Thanks,” Luke whispered. “I- I’ll let you get off so you can talk to- well- yeah…”

“Yeah,” Susie whispered, not hearing her friend’s groan of frustration as she ended the call.

While his tears had long since run dry, Lucas remained on his bed having not moved an inch from where he had earlier flopped, his entire body numb from the day’s events. As he laid motionless on his bed, countless thoughts ran through his mind over and over- was he ever truly a woman? Were his feelings ever real? Did he only become ‘Lucy’ in order to help Luke? Did he ever even enjoy being ‘Lucy?’ He certainly never enjoyed sticking out like a sore thumb everywhere ‘Lucy’ went, nor did he enjoy the teasing, the scorn, the ridicule — or the physical abuse….

The sound of Lucas’s phone ringing distracted him from his funk, and a brief smile flickered across his face when he saw the caller ID.

“Hey Susie,” Lucas croaked weakly.

“Lucy, hi,” Susie said with an audible sigh of relief. “What — where are you right now? At home? Have you been up to the hospital at all?”

“Ah- no, I’m at home,” Lucas mumbled. “And it… umm, I- I’m not Lucy. I mean, like, not anymore. I’m- my name is Lucas. Well, now it is, anyway.”

“…Oh,” Susie said, audibly taken aback by her friend’s declaration. “I see. Umm, are you- is this, like- I mean, are…“

“I’m sure,” Lucas interrupted his friend. “I’m also sure I’m going to have to answer that question a million more times in the coming week, heh.”

“Well, it IS kinda a big deal, you know?” Susie retorted. “Changing who you are, how you present to the world, your…“

“It’s not like I haven’t done it before,” Lucas interrupted. “Heh, only this time people seem to be a LOT more willing to accept ‘Lucas’ than they were ‘Lucy.’ ”

“Well I’m not one of those people,” Susie said firmly, bringing a confused frown to Lucas’s face. “Don’t forget that I used to know ‘Old Luke.’ I know how miserable you were back then, how — well, ‘lacking direction’ your life was.”

“I’d rather have no direction than be thrown in the direction of an oncoming train,” Lucas retorted.

“Are you really going to let that obnoxious transphobic cunt win, though?” Susie asked. Lucas paused as he considered his answer. He’d been exposed to enough transphobia, both in-person and online — especially since the start of the pandemic — that he’d come to one unavoidable conclusion — ‘Lucy’ would never be accepted by some corners of society no matter how hard ‘she’ tried. ‘She’ would always face discrimination, abuse, violence… but Susie was right. Denying the existence of ‘Lucy’ would be giving in to what the transphobes wanted — for there to be one fewer transgender person in the world. However, Lucas reasoned that if that was their goal, and they wouldn’t stop until it was achieved, it would be better to be ‘Lucas’ and still alive than ‘Lucy’ and underneath an oncoming train.

“…I’m still alive,” Lucas replied. “I’m still in one piece. That’s a win as far as I’m concerned.”

“Really?” Susie asked. “Because to me it sounds less like a ‘win’ and more like ‘the absolute bare minimum anyone deserves.’ ”

“Well — let me ask you this,” Lucas said. “Would you be willing to accept ‘Lucas’ as a friend?”

“Yes, of course I’d be willing,” Susie replied without hesitation. “So would all of your real friends, you know that, right?”

“Then what have I lost by becoming ‘Lucas?’ ” the young man asked.

“That’s a question only you can answer, I guess,” Susie replied, before letting out a long, tired sigh. “Look, Luce- Lucas. Of course I’m going to support you. Of course I’m still going to be your friend. But I- I’m worried about you, you know?”

“Yeah, well, ‘Lucy’ was too, every time ‘she’ left the house,” Lucas replied. “ ‘Lucas’ has a lot less reason to be worried about going out in public. Can you argue against that?”

“Well- no, I guess I can’t,” Susie replied. “But is being safe enough to be happy?”

“You did A-level biology, you’ve heard of the hierarchy of needs,” Lucas said with a shrug. “Right now, ‘wearing a dress’ is pretty far down the list.”

“…I also know that the hierarchy of needs is a pyramid, and the more important stuff is toward the bottom,” Susie retorted.

“Top, then, whatever,” Lucas sighed as he sifted through the various garments on his bed, his fingers tingling at the feel of the soft fabric passing beneath them. The dark purple one-shoulder dress he’d worn with shiny leggings to an LGBT society event in his first year; the black and white striped bodysuit with the rhinestone detailing on the front; the dark grey ankle length skirt that swished around his legs with every step he took….

“Anyway, I- your dad’s apparently cooking a barbecue or something,” Susie said. “So I’m gonna see you later. Please, PLEASE don’t make any rash decisions you’ll regret later.”

“Eighteen months too late for that,” Lucas said, before letting out a quiet moan. “I- I’ll see you in a bit.”

“See you,” Susie whispered, hanging up the phone and leaving Lucas alone with his tears….

The twins spent the next couple of hours by themselves, Luke trying to distract himself with social media and games on his phone while Lucas sorted through the clothes on his bed. Lucas kept the clothes that were androgynous enough to pass off as men’s clothes until he was able to get 'proper' male clothing of his own, and sorted the unambiguously feminine clothes like skirts and dresses into another pile to give to Kieran. It was when Lucas reached the leggings and crop tops that he usually wore to dance society, though, that he let out a long sigh.

Despite ‘her’ initial reservations, ‘Lucy’ had ultimately had a lot of fun with the other girls at the dance society. ‘She’d’ lost weight, gained in fitness level and grown closer to ‘her’ new friends than ‘she’ ever had to anyone save Luke or Susie. ‘Lucy’ had even been looking forward to returning to the society after the Easter holiday and had been rehearsing for what ‘she’d hoped would be their first post-pandemic performance.

However, Lucas knew that it would raise too many questions for ‘him’ to show up and take over from where ‘Lucy’ left off. Sure, there were other boys in the dance society, but they were learning different steps to the girls — and besides, the boys weren’t Lucas’s friends, Priya, Claudia and Phoebe were.

Rather than put it off any longer, Lucas typed a quick message to Priya asking if she could call him, and sighing as his phone lit up mere seconds later with the requested call.

“Hey girlie!” The Indian girl said as her grinning face appeared on Lucas’s screen, making him fidget awkwardly — even when wearing no make-up and trying to present as male, Priya could only see 'Lucy.' Lucas mused on how it was more likely to be a case of Priya being more familiar with him as a girl than as a boy, but he also wondered whether ‘Lucy’ passed better than he’d thought — or whether ‘Lucas’ will struggle to pass as well.

“H- hi, Priya,” Lucas mumbled in reply. “I- I’m just calling ‘cause, umm, have- have you- like, has anyone told you what happened today?”

“No,” Priya replied, immediately frowning with concern. “Is- is everything alright?” Lucas took a deep breath to steady his emotions as he considered his response. “…Lucy?”

“Ph- physically, we’re fine,” Lucas replied. “Me and Luke we- ugh. We- we were attacked today. Assaulted, by, like a- a random member of the public-“

“Oh- oh my god,” Priya exclaimed. “Are you okay? What happened? Did they catch-“

“We- we’re fine, just a few bumps and bruises,” Lucas replied. “The police haven’t caught him yet but there was loads of CCTV. They think he targeted us ‘cause Gav was in his wheelchair and Luke was on crutches and- ugh. I’m sorry to have to burden you with this, but I- I wanted you to know before you heard from anyone else.”

“It’s not a ‘burden,’ not even close,” Priya said. “And I appreciate being told, I just wish there was something I could do for you. But we are TOTALLY having a girly day when we get back to uni, a day of pampering, or-“

“Yeah, that — that’s the other thing,” Lucas interrupted. “That — that probably won’t be appropriate, as I- I’m not, like, ‘Lucy’ anymore. I’m Lucas. I- I’m a boy again.”

“Oh, okay,” Priya said, taken aback by the news. “Are- are you su-“

“Yes, yes I’m sure,” Lucas interrupted, before sighing. “Sorry, I- I’ve just been asked that question a LOT today, that’s all.”

“It’s okay, I get it,” Priya said. “Is this — is this just because of the assault, though?”

“…Not ‘just’ because of it,” Lucas replied. “I- I’ve not been, like, happy for a while now.”

“Well — well why didn’t you say something?” Priya asked, tears starting to form in her eyes. “We could’ve done something to help you, I could’ve asked Laura and Ashley to call, I-“

“Yeah, I- I’m not sure that speaking to either of them would help much, no offence,” Lucas interrupted as 'Lucy's’ feelings of inadequacy bubbled back to the surface.

“They don’t just talk about, you know, frivolous stuff like dresses and dancing,” Priya retorted. “Both of them have been where you are, both — both of them have suffered violence as a result of being transgender. You know how Ashley always has that flick of hair over one of her eyebrows? It’s actually covering up a scar she got when another girl at school hit her in the face with a shoe. The scar’s very faint now and normally you can’t even see it when she’s put on make-up, but — well, she always knows it’s there. I don’t know if you’ve met Laura’s friend Ellie yet, she’s in her third year of uni and she’s experienced similar too.” So, three transgender girls, all of whom have experienced violence simply for being who they were, Lucas thought to himself. Four if you include me… should I include myself in that list?

“I- umm, yeah…” Lucas said, fidgeting awkwardly. “I’m not really sure that helps, sorry. And on the topic of dancing, I- umm…”

“Yeah, I- I get it,” Priya sighed. “I- I’ll talk to Kacey for you if you don’t want to do it yourself, but I- I’m sure that a space will always be held open for you. You or ‘Lucy.’ Same goes for just hanging out in general.”

“There’s no problem with me now being a boy, then?” Lucas asked.

“Should there be?” Priya replied, sharing a smile with her friend. “I’ll see you when we get back to uni but if you need to talk at any time, day or night, 24/7, just call, okay? ‘Cause when my friend’s hurting, it means I’m hurting too.”

“…Sorry,” Lucas mumbled.

“Apology NOT accepted, as you have nothing to apologise for,” Priya said, sharing another smile with her friend. “Take care of yourself, okay? Boy or girl, you’re still a friend, and that’s what’s most important.”

“Thanks,” Lucas whispered. “See you when we’re back at uni.”

“See you,” Priya said softly, before ending the call and leaving Lucas with the task of sorting out 'Lucy's’ remaining clothes. The young man sighed as he picked up the leggings and crop top he’d discarded earlier, before shaking his head, chuckling and returning them to the drawer they came from. After all, Lucas reasoned to himself, as close-fitting garments, it wouldn’t be appropriate to donate them to charity or to Kieran….

A short while later, as he continued to distract himself with his phone, Luke allowed himself a sly smile as the smell of baking began to fill the house. Grabbing his crutches, he slowly clambered to his feet and hobbled toward the kitchen.

“Hey mam,” Luke said, momentarily distracting Sarah from her task. “Is it someone’s birthday or something?”

“Ah- no,” the twins’ mother replied. “I just thought with your father planning a dinner party for everyone and — well, with the two of you, I- I thought you deserved a special treat. Like, to try to take your minds off of things.”

“Thanks,” Luke said with a smile. “Even if it will be more calories to burn off once I can finally get back to exercising properly, heh.”

“Oh please, as if there’s an ounce of fat on you!” Sarah teased, before smiling sadly. “I was… I was just telling your si- umm, your- just telling Lucas about this recipe, how I’d hoped one day to, you know, pass it down to a daughter like my mam taught it to me, that sort of thing.”

“I think I remember you telling me that when I was younger,” Luke mused. “Heh, I remember us doing a LOT of mother-daughter things together. Not that I ever appreciated any of them, heh.”

“Yeah, well, if I knew then what I know now,” Sarah said, before sighing. “…And if I knew then what I know now about your twin, heh.”

“She… heh. ‘He’ looked pretty upset when he went past a while ago?” Luke asked.

“Aye, well, I’m not surprised,” Sarah said. “I may- ugh. I may not have been as, you know, kind to him as I should’ve been. It’s… it’s a lot to take in, you know? Losing a daughter, gaining another one only to lose her as well, all in the space of two years. One of which was spent being unable to do literally ANYTHING you want to.”

“…Who was ‘lost?’ ” Luke retorted. “I’m still here. I’m still the same person I was before, only now I’m no longer pretending to be someone I’m not. As for Lucas… I think he’s got a lot of thinking ahead of him. I mean, selfishly, sure, I’d like a brother, but I’d much rather have a sibling who was happy with who he OR she was. That — that’s the same for you and dad, right? I mean, I don’t think I’m ever going to want kids of my own, and I don’t even want to, like, freeze any eggs, but…“

“You’re right, it is,” Sarah interrupted. “At least, it should be, heh. Before you were both born — but after we discovered that we were having twins — me and your dad would talk about things like ‘what if it’s two boys’ or ‘what if it’s two girls.’ We were both over the moon when we learned we were having one of each, but… yeah. You said that Lucas has to do a lot of thinking, well, so do all of us. And I- I think I need to talk to him again. Properly, I mean. Can you — can you take over in here for a bit? I just need you to mix the icing, that’s all, you can do it sitting down at the table if you need.”

“I’m okay to stand and do it,” Luke said with a smile that his mother reflected. “Do I need to add anything more to it?”

“No, just mix it until it’s spreadable,” Sarah replied. “…Though the full recipe’s on the side there, in case you want to have a look at it.”

“Thanks, mam,” Luke said, his smile widening as his mother left the kitchen.

With his task completed, Lucas sat alone in his bedroom surrounded by three piles of clothing. The first pile contained clothes he deemed androgynous enough to keep — jeans, sweaters and the odd t-shirt. Sure, they were made of a softer material than he’d worn when he was a boy, but Lucas didn’t see that as a bad thing — after all, his skin was the only one they’d come into contact with. the second pile contained clothes to give to Kieran or donate to charity — dresses, skirts, jumpsuits and any shirts or blouses that Lucas felt were now inappropriate for him. The third pile, though, was what made Lucas the most conflicted- clothes that were undeniably feminine, but that he couldn’t let go of.

A large part of the pile was made up of underwear — while he was happy to give to Kieran anything that he’d never worn, even items like panties and tights, Lucas reasoned that anything he had previously worn would not be appropriate. As he was reluctant to simply throw them away, he stored the items back in the drawer they’d come from until he knew for certain what he wanted to do with them. The same applied to the outfits that he considered ‘special’ — as well as his dance society clothes, he also put aside the skirt and top he’d worn to AngelCon in 2019, the jumpsuit he’d worn to a student party in the past and any dress he'd received as a Christmas or birthday present from family. Consciously, Lucas believed that he’d never wear the clothes again — at least, not in public — and yet he couldn’t bear the thought of another person wearing them, or worse yet, them ending up in a landfill somewhere.

“Knock knock?” Sarah said as she gently tapped on Lucas’s door, distracting the young man from his thoughts.

“C- come in,” Lucas said, clearing a space on his bed that his mother sat down in. “I- umm…”

“I- I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for snapping at you earlier,” Sarah said as she gave her son’s hand a gentle squeeze. “God knows it’s the last thing you needed today.”

“Well… I guess,” Lucas mumbled as tears flowed freely from his eyes. “And I- I’m sorry to, for everything…” The young man moaned with pain as he leaned into his mother for a long, badly needed hug.

“No- no, don’t EVER apologise for needing help, especially not mine,” Sarah said. “I’m the one who should be sorry, not just for how I treated you earlier, but for everything over the last eighteen months. I- I didn’t know how to react to you being my daughter. And I know now that I- I should’ve just asked. So I- I’m sorry. And I hope you can forgive me.”

“Of course I can forgive you, you’re my mam,” Lucas sniffled.

“And son or daughter, you’re my child and always will be,” Sarah said, openly weeping herself. “Whatever you need, whenever you need it, just ask. PLEASE ask.” Sarah frowned with confusion at the chuckles coming from her child. “Wh- what’s so funny?”

“I- heh,” Lucas chuckled. “I called Priya earlier- my friend from the dance club at uni, the Indian girl? She said the exact same thing.”

“Well that just means you have great friends, doesn’t it?” Sarah retorted. “But none of them can replace your mam. I hope you remember that in future, as I know I’m gonna from now on.”

“I will,” Lucas whispered as he leaned in for another much-needed hug, wondering yet again whether or not friends would accept 'Lucas' as easily as they'd accepted 'Lucy....'

A short while later, the family, along with Susie and Gavin, gathered in the back garden to eat the special meal that the twins’ parents had provided, with Sarah’s coconut cake being the undisputed star of the meal. Despite his initial anxiety — and a little initial awkwardness — Lucas was relieved when Susie and Gavin accepted his new identity just as easily as they’d accepted 'Lucy,' with the same being said for his friends from the dance society when he returned to university a few days later.

However, while Lucas’s fears were eased upon his return to university, his anxiety remained high — after all, while the girls from the dance society remained his friends, he felt even more out of place among them than he had as 'Lucy,' especially as he was no longer participating in the activity that had brought them together in the first place. Similarly, while he had a bond with Gavin and Kieran, he didn’t share their enthusiasm for football, leaving only Susie and Luke as the two people he felt comfortable simply being around. And while Lucas was undoubtedly grateful for their love and friendship, even there he felt anxious — especially around his brother. After all, they’d always promised each other than what they did, they would always do together, and by rejecting ‘Lucy,’ Lucas felt that for the first time ever, he was breaking that promise….