Betrayal and Forgiveness

Opening the wedding invitation that evening was like a stab in the heart, even though I had suspected this was coming. I sat down on my bed and heaved a huge part-sigh and part-sob. Vicky had chosen Pete over me, so that was that. It was easy to see why she might think he was the better choice; he’d always been more successful and manly than I was. In business he was doing extremely well, on the path to becoming a young executive, whereas I was never going to be executive material; I didn’t have much of a head for business. And Pete did seem like a nice enough guy, at least compared to some of the losers Vicky had seen in the past. Even though he was my rival I’d always almost liked him.

No, she made the right choice. It hurt to think that, but it was true. Now that I considered it, I’m not sure why I ever thought I was in the running. Vicky had always gone for the more manly type of guy, she was usually disappointed, and it was my shoulder she cried on. Then she’d go and find another just like the last! I’d always loved her, even in high school, but no matter what I did she had always treated me more like a friend or a brother. We were seated next to each other in an English class when we were about fifteen, and just hit it off. She was smart, athletic, well liked. I was not. Her spending time with me was very gratifying. Even if we were best friends we sometimes argued like brother and sister. We spent a lot of time together, and I had been there for her many times when she needed someone, but somehow I just never got her to see me as a viable romantic partner.

Attending the wedding was not an option; as much as I loved her it would be too painful. I could not watch them tie the knot.

Lying down on the bed I thought back over the years, how much we had shared, how close I sometimes felt to her. Why could she never see what I wanted her to see in me? What was wrong with me?

With all these negative thoughts swirling around in my head I decided I needed a bit of comfort, so I found one of my nicer and softer nightgowns and got into it. Then I somehow drifted off to a troubled sleep.

-o0o-

Waking up with a start I looked at the glowing clock. It was only 5:30 a.m., an hour and a half before I usually awoke. Turning on the bedside lamp my eye fell on the wedding invitation and all the thoughts from last night came rushing back like the odor of a skunk. But why should I make myself any more miserable than I already was?

Lying there I thought what I really needed was a new start. Life for me here in Indianapolis was a bit stultifying. Everyone around here who knew me was convinced I’d never amount to much. It was as if a mold had formed around me, preventing me from moving or growing. It would be great to get away from that attitude. And Vicky wouldn’t need me anymore now that she had made her choice; Pete would be there for her now. Maybe if I went somewhere no one knew me I could start over and get a better chance for a successful life.

There was a month until the wedding. So starting today I would look for a job in… where? Not a tiny town, and not a huge city.

Even though it was still too early I got up and started getting ready for the day as I kept thinking. The one snag in all this was that Vicky was bound to try and make sure I was coming to the event. She knew I was an introvert and didn’t like to attend any event. I didn’t want to lie to her, but I had no intention of being anywhere nearby. To make matters worse, she could read me pretty easily, and would likely know if I was lying. This would need careful planning. I’d have to sound enthusiastic about coming until the last minute.

Oh! I just realized I could come up with a viable excuse to give her: my great-aunt Zelda, who lived in Rhode Island, was getting very infirm. Vicky knew of this aunt but had no idea where Zelda lived. I could say Zelda fell and broke a hip and needed me! I think that would work. But I would have to wait until the wedding was imminent, pretending I was coming until it was too late.

-o0o-

One of many similar conversations:

“You are coming to the wedding, Sammie, aren’t you?” she asked. (For some reason she was the only person who called me Sammie. Everyone else just said Sam.)

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I lied. “Why do you keep asking me?”

“I’m not sure. I guess I’m just worried that you’ll somehow weasel out of coming.”

I smirked. “Weasel out, eh? Well, I have every intention of being there, Vicky. You know I’m really happy for you.”

She smiled. “Thanks. I know some day you’ll find someone too.”

I just smiled back, rather than answer. Her last memories of me should be happy, not sour.

-o0o-

In the ensuing period I picked out a few smallish west coast towns on the map and looked for job openings. I got pretty lucky, finding a decent-sounding job in Oregon on the second try. Maybe they were desperate?

Two days before the wedding I was all packed and ready to leave. I’d informed my landlord I was leaving. He’d informed me he’d be keeping my deposit for breaking the lease, causing me to sigh dramatically and heavily to myself and roll my eyes.

Very late that night I texted Vicky about my sudden “change” in plans. I told her I felt terrible about this, but I had gotten a call from Aunt Zelda, pleading for help. She’d broken a hip, had no children and I was really the only family she had. I wished her and Pete all happiness, but I had to be there to help my aunt and was leaving at once. Once I sent the text I didn’t answer any call or text from her. It had to be a clean break, with no baggage. The next morning, bright and early I set off on my adventure west.

-o0o-

The drive across the country was interesting in places, but seemed endless. I took the northern route, going through Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Iowa and Washington, and I had to keep stopping to walk around, because my back wasn’t enjoying sitting still. Since I was mostly on interstates there was a deadening sameness about the trip, except for some changes in the type of landscape. Interstates also meant the food choices were always the same. Don’t get me wrong; sometimes I enjoy each of those ubiquitous restaurants and fast food places, but not three times a day every day!

When I finally pulled into Baker City, Oregon late one night I was exhausted, and totally sick of driving. Idly I wondered if I could find a place to live within walking distance of my new job, and never have to drive again. Finding a motel near the highway was no problem, and I sank instantly into sleep.

Things worked out well, taking a few days to find a place to rent, and then starting the new job. Once I got comfortable I indulged in cross-dressing almost all the time I was at home. Back in Indianapolis I never knew when Vicky might show up—she had a key—so very careful planning had always been needed. I tried to be more outgoing at work, hoping to make some friends, but somehow only ended up with acquaintances. I’m just not very good at being an extrovert, and I think the people I met found my new personality a bit forced. Also, it seemed like one of those towns where you have to be a native in order to be accepted. So I was pretty lonely. Yes, I could pick up stakes again and try somewhere else, but that’s a lot of work.
.

---

.

The morning of the wedding Vicky got Sam’s text and sent a message back to see if someone else could possibly help out Aunt Zelda, just for a day, but there was no answer. A phone call went to voicemail. In fact there was never again an answer from him. All along she just had a feeling that somehow he would not be at the wedding, which was why she kept pestering him about it. Anyhow since today was the wedding she had to put her attention on that. It was a happy affair, in spite of him not being there to share it, and then the honeymoon, which was wonderful.

Once back from the honeymoon she kept trying to get in touch with Sam, but without success. She started to wonder if he had been killed on his way there… a car wreck? Why wasn’t he answering his phone? She stopped by his place, and it had already been rented to another tenant! What in the world happened to him? His aunt’s condition was so serious he was forced to actually move there?? He would have let her know. And where was there? He’d never told her, and there was no one to ask. No parents, and his sister had moved god-knows-where.

Pete didn’t appear too upset about Sam’s disappearance. “He’ll turn up eventually,” he said. The truth was that Pete had made a real effort to be nice to Sam, because he knew he was important to Vicky. He hardly considered Sam to be The Competition (as indeed he wasn’t). Personally he thought he was something of a wimp and a loser. He had been pretty sure Vicky would drop Sam after they were married and there was a real man around. Instead he had just disappeared, which was convenient for Pete.

Over the next year Vicky periodically brought up the missing Sam, and Pete was getting tired of hearing it. One day he reached his limit. “Why do you really want to find that loser?” Oops. Vicky was shocked. “Is that what you always thought of him?” Uncomfortably he admitted it. “Well, I mean, yeah. He’s not much of a success, and not even much of a man.” Seeing her expression, he added, “Nice enough, though.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Did you have anything to do with his disappearance?”

“No! I swear I know nothing about it! How could you even ask me that?!”

After that she began to look at Pete a little differently. Neither knew it, but it was the beginning of the end of their marriage. She realized now that he was only being nice to Sammie to seem more appealing to her. But over this past year he hadn’t been there for her the way Sammie always had been. After work he spent a lot of time drinking with the guys, belittled some of her ideas in a way Sammie never would have. They got along well enough, but she thought marriage was more than just “getting along.” She found herself comparing him to Sammie more and more, and he wasn’t coming out well in the comparison.

There were arguments and then making up, which started to occur more often. She could feel herself slowly falling out of love with him. After another year and a half they decided to call it quits. They were not as compatible as they both thought. Fortunately the divorce was amicable.

Vicky had finally admitted to herself that she made the wrong choice with Pete. Her thoughts turned to Sammie. She had never really thought of him as boyfriend material, let alone husband material. He was more like… a girlfriend, now that she thought of it. He knew what made her tick, listened to her, and was so generous with his time. They could discuss anything, including things she would not expect a boy to want to talk about. And those earrings he got her as a wedding gift... they were something she had casually mentioned wanting, oh, years ago. And he remembered… It wasn’t possible he was in love with her…was it?

She missed him.

What happened to him?

-o0o-

Sam, meanwhile, was in a funk. He missed Vicky, and as lousy as his life seemed back home, it was fuller than this life was. After a year of trying to fit in at Baker City he finally forced himself to make another move, this time to Bellingham, Washington. He found a rental on 32nd street and after he settled in with his new job as inventory manager, joined a CD social club. They just got together and had a good time. Sometimes they’d meet and discuss issues of importance to their group. Joanne Macintosh was the unofficial leader and counselor. Some men came with their wives. For the purpose of this club Sam used the name Sammie. It was easy to remember and reminded him of Vicky.

Joining the group turned out to be a good move for Sam, and he made several friends there. He improved in his dressing, was more confident in general, and got brave enough to go to the meetings already dressed. And with a wig and improved makeup skills, to his eye he looked nothing like Sam.

-o0o-

He’d been in Bellingham about a year and a half and had prepared to go to the club one Sunday evening when the doorbell rang. He wasn’t expecting anyone, and was fully dressed and made up for the meeting. But since he was a lot more confident about his appearance these days, he went to the door and opened it. His jaw almost hit the floor. It was Vicky. How in the world did she track him down? She looked at him inquiringly, and asked, “Excuse me, but is this where Sam Carter...” and then saw past the makeup and wig.

“Sammie? Is that really you? What the hell?!”

“Oh…Vicky,” his heart fell on hearing these less-than-kind words from the woman he had loved.

Her face took on an ugly expression he had never seen on it before. “You’re a…drag queen??” she spat the words as if they were some sort of excrement. “Or did you have IT cut off? No wonder you left town!”

This felt to him remarkably like being punched in the stomach. Before he could reply, she continued.

“Wow, I can’t believe this! I mean, I used to kind of think of you as more of a girlfriend, but not literally! This is—I don’t know. I don’t think I can deal with it. You are really sick. Pervert!”

Her treatment made his heart break, but he didn’t let it show. “Is there something you wanted?”

She looked back at him. “Well, not anymore.” That was said with a sneer.

To show she hadn’t hurt him, he forced a smile onto his face and said brightly, “All righty then. Bye!” He shut the door in her face, walked back into the living room and sat down, his pulse hammering. That had felt like being in a fight, a fight in which he had nothing to defend himself. He thought he knew her. Never would he have pegged her as someone so intolerant. It was a complete shock to see someone he thought so highly of behave so poorly, and he found himself shaking from emotion. You could think all you wanted that you knew someone well, but until you challenged their concepts of what was so-called normal, you didn’t.

He sat there feeling fragile, wondering if he could still bring himself to go to the meeting. If he did he could commiserate with others, but then he’d have to relive it again—not that he wasn’t already doing that.

Without even thinking about it he found himself walking into his bedroom and lying down. Vicky, once his closest friend, had treated him like garbage just because of the way he looked. Unbelievable. It made him so sad to think she could treat anyone at all like that, let alone him. His mind went in circles with these thoughts until he fell asleep.

-o0o-

Vicky, having driven back to her motel, was still incredulous about finding her one-time best friend pretending to be a woman. Was it a joke? It was so creepy to see a man wearing a dress. Ick! You thought you knew someone!... No wonder he snuck out of town the way he did! She felt angry that she hadn’t known about this.

She thought about this disgusting situation for a while, looked at the time, and then took herself across the street to have dinner at an upscale diner. First she simmered down several degrees, and during the meal her mind was more or less a blank. The meal was eaten mechanically; she didn’t even taste it.

When she came back to the motel, much calmer after a normal event like eating a meal, she lay on the bed with her hands clasped behind her head, still thinking about him. In a way she was sorry this happened; she had really looked forward to seeing him again. He was such a nice guy … It was hard to reconcile that with someone who dressed himself up like a two-dollar whore.

She stopped herself. Now that she could think about it calmly, he really didn’t look bad at all. More like a—an overdressed office girl than a whore. Kind of on the attractive side too.

But what would make him do that?

Then she let her thoughts wander, and they led her to a darker place she didn’t really want to go: The Attack, as she still thought of it. Before she met Sam—she must’ve been about thirteen or fourteen—she and her friend Beth had been coming home at dusk across the park. A horrible man in an ugly dress had jumped out of the bushes, yelled, “Hey girls!” and frightened them to death. He lifted the skirt to show them his thing, and then started to chase them, but they were both on the school track team and easily outran him.

That had been scary and awful, and had left a lasting impression on her. She had tried hard to block it out, and mostly succeeded. But now, seeing Sam like that, it all came back in garish detail. Thinking back to that guy, he had been really pathetic, twisted in the head to do something like that.

She tried to let the memories of that ooze away. Even from her adult perspective she could still recall just how frightened she was. She inwardly shook her head to stop thinking about it, and get her thoughts back to Sammie.

Unlike that creep, Sammie was someone she had known for years, and he never seemed like someone who would try and chase teenage girls, or expose himself, or try to scare them. He was always so…good, considerate, generous, sensitive. Those descriptors came easily to mind, and they weren’t an exaggeration.

Now, in this calmer state of mind, she asked herself if she could be projecting this bad experience on to Sam. She was reasonably sure she knew him well enough to recognize he was no pervert. She didn’t know why he wanted to present himself as a woman, but she could see now that she had overreacted, and with a truckload of misplaced anger. Tomorrow she’d go back, apologize, and try to find out what it was all about.

-o0o-

Sam awoke that same evening, and the encounter with Vicky came right back into his mind. He looked at the clock: it was eleven. He’d missed the meeting, as well as dinner. Sighing, he took off the wig, got out of his clothes, put on a robe, cleaned off his face and then padded into the kitchen to have a little snack. He shook his head whenever he thought of Vicky. Well, he guessed, he wouldn’t have to miss her anymore. How could she— no, he wasn’t going to think about this right now.

He brushed his teeth and went to bed.

The next day was Monday, a work day. Some of his co-workers noticed he was rather subdued, but he waved their concerns away. When he left the office for the day he decided to get dinner out, and didn’t get home until 8. When he got near his house he saw Vicky’s car in front. Not wishing to hear any more uncharitable comments, he drove right past his house and out to the business district, where he parked in a lot. What was she doing there? When would it be safe for him to come home?

Well, as long as he was here, he went into Hole Foods and did a bit of grocery shopping, taking his time. By the time he drove back it was 9 p.m., and, thankfully, her car was gone. He pulled into his garage and shut the door. Getting the groceries inside he put them away and then went to the front to get whatever was passing for mail today. Most of it was garbage and bills, but there was also a piece torn out of a notebook, no doubt from Vicky. He really wasn’t sure he wanted to read it, but sighed and unfolded it.

“Dear Sammie,

Please forgive me for overreacting to you yesterday. Your appearance brought back an ancient and awful memory, and I took the bad actions of someone else out on you. I hope we can still see each other. I’m at the Sea Breeze Motel, room 115. And my phone number is still the same.

With love,
Vicky”

Always nice to have an apology. But it would have been better if she had thought before saying what she did. Maybe he could forgive her, but did that mean he wanted to see her? She had looked at him with real hatred in her eyes. He could still feel the aftereffects from that laser-like glare—as if the look had burned him—and was in no hurry to put himself in a position to re-experience it. He wasn’t sure he could recall anyone ever speaking to him with as much venom. The fact that the person who did it was supposedly his friend made it twice as painful.

If he were, theoretically, to go and see her, of course he’d be in male clothes, but she now knew and would wonder about the CD part of his life. She would want to know how, why, when, and he just didn’t think he wanted to deal with discussing it with her. Not after yesterday.

If he told her all discussion about that subject was off-limits, it would still be there, always, lurking in the background. And it wouldn’t be fair to her to set rules about what they could or couldn’t talk about. He just didn’t see any easy way out of this situation. Things had been going along fine before she showed up. He guessed he could continue to live without her.

-o0o-

As the days passed with no reply or visit from Sam, Vicky was becoming very disheartened. She spent a lot of time driving around, seeing the sights, getting to know the area, but all the time wondering how she was going to get back in his good graces.

One evening as she sat watching an old romance film in her motel room, observing as the man pursued and wooed the woman, she began to get an idea. She would have to woo Sam. Maybe he wasn’t a woman, but he’d always been very sensitive, and, she could see in retrospect, very much like a female in his emotional life. Yes, she had screwed up big time, but in the movies the man just kept up his campaign until the woman always caved in. Maybe it was a lame idea, but she didn’t know what else to do. A confrontation wasn’t going to do any good. Evidently her written apology hadn’t had any effect. She needed to show him that his, uh, hobby, didn’t change how she felt about him.

She sent a bouquet of flowers to his house, along with a card with another sincere apology. There was no response. She was getting desperate; she couldn’t stay there forever to try and iron this out.

Next she did some research online about transvestites, which led to articles about cross-dressing, transgender, gender identity and so on. Given how she had viewed him as more of a girlfriend she did wonder if he could be transgender, and did that mean he was interested in men? No, she would have sensed that.

Then she had an inspiration and searched for some kind of support group where she could get some insight into this sort of lifestyle. There was one such group not far from where Sammie lived, and she phoned the contact person. She had a long conversation with a woman named Joanne, during which she explained how she had discovered her friend dressed and was cruel to him because of The Attack. She told her the story of her history with Sammie and let her know she and Sam had been best friends before her marriage, and then how he had just disappeared.

“Vicky,” Joanne said slowly, “what you did to him was many cross-dresser’s worst nightmare. On average these men are very sensitive, and they would take a reaction like that very hard. That doesn’t mean your friend won’t eventually get over it, but I have to assume you really hurt him.”

Vicky didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t take it back, and just wanted to make things right with Sammie.

“What I want to know is, why do they want to dress up like that? It makes my skin crawl.”

“There are a wide variety of reasons, Vicky, and they run the gamut of actually wanting to be a woman to getting a sexual thrill from it, and everything in between. You’d have to ask your friend why he does it, but it can be a difficult subject to discuss. You should also know that it usually isn’t something they can just stop doing. Also, if I had to guess, I’d think your reaction is colored by your early experience with that flasher.”

“That could be true… But does it mean he’s gay?”

“The great majority of cross-dressers are heterosexual.”

“But that makes it even more confusing.”

“All I can say is that humans are complicated creatures. I personally think it’s a pity that such a big deal is made of it. They’re not hurting anyone, and it’s really just garments and appearances.”

“Well, you have really helped me, Joanne. I don’t know if Sammie will forgive me or not, but at least I understand a bit more.”

“Why don’t you come to our next meeting? Talk to some of the couples that come here and get their perspective. It’s on Saturday evening.”

“Okay, I will! Thank you!”

After ending the call Joanne wondered if the Sammie she had mentioned could be the same Sammie who was a member of their group. She would keep her eye out on Saturday.

-o0o-

On Saturday evening Vicky showed up at the meeting early. It was at Joanne’s house, a five thousand-square-foot place with a view overlooking Bellingham Bay. She was apprehensive about seeing a lot of men wearing women’s clothing, but she had to do this to get past her fears. When she introduced herself Joanne greeted her warmly. Vicky couldn’t tell if she was a man or woman, and she made herself stop thinking about it as they talked; it really wasn’t important.

Within a half hour the place was filling up and Vicky had talked to several couples. The men were almost always dressed more femininely than the women, and many of them were very obviously men in dresses. She found herself developing a sympathy for the men who would never be able to successfully look like a woman. Some looked at her with a longing, which made her feel kind of funny. Vicky, who was gorgeous, was more used to being ogled for her looks by men than these looks, which spoke of wanting to be her. She didn’t feel the panic or the anger she had felt with Sammie, which was reassuring.

Most of the wives she spoke with were either fine with their husband cross-dressing or at least accepting. Many of them agreed that their husband’s feminine side meant they had more of an appreciation for what women went through. There were one or two she sensed did not want to be there but were making the best of it. But those she spoke with who were relaxed about being there told her it was fun, and they enjoyed seeing their husband get dolled up. A few thought it was pretty sexy and they had some of their best sex while the husband was en femme. That gave Vicky pause. Really??

She was in the middle of a conversation when someone came up behind her and said, “Vicky??”

She turned and there was Sammie, all dressed up again. She gave him a joyful look and rose to give him a hug, but he backed away, looking very unhappy. He had never again wanted her to see him dressed.

“What…What are you doing here?” She was invading his turf.

“I’m getting educated on something I knew very little about,” she answered.

Before he could reply to that, Joanne, who had been waiting for this moment, appeared almost like magic and took his arm. “Let’s go into my office, Sammie, okay?”

He allowed her to lead him away, and after she closed the office door they sat down on the small couch in there.

“Before you say anything, she had no idea this was the group you belonged to. But tell me why you’re so unhappy to see her, Sammie.”

Glad to tell someone about it, he started out, “She was very unpleasant to me. Tried to make me feel like I was a horrible pervert because she walked in on me and I was already dressed for the meeting here.”

“But she did try and apologize, didn’t she?”

“Well, yes, but I felt like everything I knew about her was called into question. She had never, ever acted anything like that all the years we knew each other. I never saw her treat anyone as badly as she treated me, supposedly her friend. And all just because of my appearance. It really hurt me.”

“I see. Did she say anything about why she may have reacted like that?”

“In a note she did allude to some old trauma, but I didn’t think that was much justification for treating a so-called friend that badly.”

“Okay. Well, as long as you’re here together, why don’t we find out the truth about that?”

Sam wanted to protest, but let her go and bring Vicky back to the office. She came in hesitantly, obviously worried about how he would react. She and Joanne sat down opposite him.

“Sammie, I know you’re not happy with me, but I want you to know why I acted like that.” And she told him how she and her friend had been frightened and almost attacked by a man in a dress, and how traumatized she had been.

“I really tried to block it out of my mind, and I thought I had done that…until I saw you in a dress. That was so unexpected that it brought that whole incident back, and I let loose on innocent you—since you were right in front of me—all the anger I always wanted to lay on that creep. I’ve felt terrible about this since it happened, or, well, when I cooled down and realized how badly I had overreacted. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

Sam was torn. He did feel empathy for her bad experience, but he had also changed his whole life by leaving her back in Indiana. Were they still friends? What was she even doing here in Washington?

Joanne sensed his dilemma and asked Vicky to give them some time alone.

“What’s troubling you, Sammie?”

“I dunno. She showed me a side of herself I never knew existed, and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Now I feel like maybe she could go off on me for some other reason as well. When I left Indiana it was to make a fresh start, without her. She had chosen another guy over me and I could see she wouldn’t need me anymore. What I’m saying is that I kind of started a new life without her, fresh, and then here she is. And the first thing that she does is treat me like crap and…” he stopped, thinking for a while.

“We used to be really close. I was in love with her, but she never considered me to be anything other than a close friend. It hurt when she married that guy, and I didn’t want to stay there and see it, so I left. Now, even if I forgive her, she’ll still be across the country and will still think of me as just a friend. I just don’t know…Until she arrived here and surprised me I think I would have been happy to resume our friendship. Now, I’m thinking it might be better just to cut her out of my life.” He sat there, looking at his hands in his lap.

“Sammie, do you really have so many friends that you can afford to ‘cut one out of your life’ because she made an admittedly big mistake? You don’t look very happy about this idea of yours. Did you even notice how elated she was to see you tonight?”

“I saw her smile, if that’s what you mean.”

“You mean a lot to her. Maybe it’s not my place to tell you this, but her marriage only lasted about two and a half years. I don’t know if you’re the first person she thought of when she was free, but it didn’t take her long to come all the way out here to try and reconnect. Maybe she doesn’t see you as just a friend.”

“I don’t… I’m getting confused about all this. I need time to think.”

“That’s a good idea, Sammie. But don’t take too long. I’m sure she’ll have to go back home soon, and it would be better for both of you if you didn’t leave this unresolved.”

-o0o-

After slipping out the back door, Sam got in his car and drove aimlessly for a while. Then he remembered Fairhaven Park, in southern Bellingham, and headed there. It should be pretty quiet at this time of day. He pulled into the empty parking lot as dusk was falling and just sat in his car, trying to make some kind of sense of this situation he found himself in.

If he hadn’t been dressed in women’s clothes when Vicky showed up everything would have been so different. He would still feel the same about her, and they probably would have gone to dinner and had a good time. She had never ever mentioned the flasher incident to him in all the years they’d known each other. That was understandable, if it was as traumatic as she made it sound.

He heaved a big sigh and thought everyone deserved a second chance, even if they really hurt the other person, but for some reason it was hard to think whether or not to give Vicky that second chance. Deciding to leave the decision to a higher power, he said, out loud, “Okay, if I’m supposed to give Vicky another chance, I need a sign. How about, um…a stile, as in a turnstile!” He wanted to pick something weird, and it didn’t seem likely any sort of stile was going to show up in this little park at this hour. It didn’t have an entrance gate, so he felt pretty confident that he wouldn’t get his sign.

He sat there for twenty more minutes as it darkened, listening to the crickets and other nature sounds, and when he was about to give up a car pulled up near his. Uh oh. What a way to be caught!

He looked over at the man, who was getting out of the car, along with a woman getting out on the other side. They were both ignoring his car, thank goodness. The man seemed to be unnaturally tall and skinny. He and the woman talked as they started walking into the park. At that point it hit Sam that the man was Ryan Stiles, the actor! How weird!

Deciding he had given it enough time he started his car and was pulling out of the parking lot when it further occurred to him that Ryan Stiles was as close to a stile as it could get here in the park. He began laughing hysterically. A celebrity stile was not what he had in mind, but whatever! He guessed Vicky would have her chance!

-o0o-

Back at Joanne’s house Vicky kept looking for Sammie to emerge from the office, but when Joanne walked over to her, she didn’t know what to think.

“Where’s Sammie, Joanne?”

“He came out of the office about ten minutes ago. Isn’t he here?”

“No, I haven’t seen him. Were you able to get through to him?”

“The last thing he said was that he needed time to think, Vicky. My guess is that he slipped out of the house.”

Seeing Vicky’s shoulders fall, she put a hand on her arm and said, “Don’t feel badly. He needs to get all this information straight in his head. Don’t give up yet, dear.”

Vicky stayed for another hour, in case Sammie returned, but no such luck. She had to admit that the people there were, on the whole, very pleasant, and no threat. Passing all the couples as she got up to leave. She wondered what it might be like if she spent time with Sammie while he was en femme. She got in her car and headed back to the motel, by which time it was getting dark. After she got her jacket off and settled down to perhaps try and watch television, her phone buzzed. It was a text from Sammie!

“Thanks to Ryan Stiles you got a second chance!”

That left her very confused.

“Ryan Stiles, the comedian?”

“That’s the one. I will call you in the morning.”

She really wanted to know now what in the world Stiles had to do with the two of them, but now was not the time to press him. She was just glad he was willing to talk to her.

-o0o-

True to his word Sam phoned Vicky in the morning, and they made arrangements to have breakfast together in the diner across from her motel. Of course he arrived in his male persona, looking just as she remembered, and she was almost disappointed.

She hoped for a hug, but he stuck out his hand. That didn’t bode well in her mind.

They went inside, were seated in a booth and ordered their food. Sam kept looking up at her. Finally he broke the silence.

“I just want you to know that I’m still not comfortable with you.”

“But…why not? I explained why I acted like I did.”

“All the years we knew each other you never knew I had another side to me, and I never knew you had that traumatic event. I thought I knew you, but I don’t have any idea if there are other secrets in your life that might cause you to go off on me again.”

“Oh Sammie…” she said sadly. “You know me better than anyone. You know I’m not really that bitch.”

“I sure thought I knew you, yes. I had never ever seen you act like that before, and the first time I ever saw it the hate was directed at me. I can’t remember anyone ever looking at me with such naked disgust and anger before. And the person doing it was you, someone who was supposed to be my friend.” He said all this calmly, but inside he was not sure what he was feeling. It was not calmness.

She didn’t know what to say. This didn’t seem like a second chance so far.

“Joanne told me your marriage is already over,” he said. “What happened?”

A little jarred by the change in subject, she took a moment. “Well, one thing was that I kept asking what had happened to you. You had just vanished without a trace… Pete finally got tired of hearing it and his true feelings were exposed. He had been pretending to like you in order to look better to me.”

He shifted in his seat. “I’m sorry to hear it, Vicky. You sure seemed like you were in love with him.”

“Like many men he acted one way while we were dating, and then another way after we were married. Plus he was never as kind and considerate as you were. He spent a lot of time after work drinking with his buddies, and getting home really late. He just wasn’t there for me the way you were. It was like once he landed the fish, he didn’t want to eat it.”

After a little silence, combined with his blank look, she said, “Maybe that wasn’t the best analogy! Let’s say he just didn’t want to spend time with me once he had me.”

Sam hadn’t felt that any of the men she’d dated had been there for her. Now, although he felt bad for her, he wasn’t sure he wanted to listen to this. Hearing compliments always made him feel uncomfortable. Fortunately she went on to the next bit of her story.

“So after the divorce I started searching for you in earnest. The internet makes it easier in some ways.”

There was another silence as the food was delivered to their table, and they began to eat.

“Um, Sammie, do you mind if I ask how long have you been a, a cross-dresser?”

“I started dressing when I was about twelve years old.”

“Your sister’s old clothes, I presume?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. I can’t believe I never knew, as close as we were…”

“It’s not something most guys advertise, even to their close friends. There’s too much potential for disaster, as you know personally.”

A stab of guilt pierced her. Then another question occurred to her. “Why did you really leave town and break off all contact?”

At this point there was no reason not to tell her. “I just couldn’t watch you marry him.” He was quiet for a minute. “And then… you wouldn’t really need me anymore—I thought Pete would be there for you. Also I thought I could make a completely fresh start somewhere else. Try and put more pizzazz into my life in a place where no one knew me and thought of me as a loser.”

“You are not a loser! And of course I still need you; you’re a part of my life!”

“Thanks, but I think we both know I’m pretty much the opposite of the Type A personality group. In Indianapolis I was in a dead-end job, and everyone was sure I’d never get anywhere.”

“So what are you doing for a job now?”

“Uh, inventory control in a warehouse for an auto parts distributor.”

“A step up from file clerk, sounds like.”

“Yeah, it’s a good job, and I make more than I did. You’re still at the same place?”

“Yes. My job has pretty good bennies.”

The conversation petered out after that. She couldn’t think what she could say to regain his trust, and was wondering if their friendship was over. Once they were finished with their meals she sat looking at him. He wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Sammie, are you going to forgive me?”

Now he looked at her. “I can forgive you, but I just don’t know how I can trust you.”

Her heart was breaking as she realized the depth of hurt her act had inflicted on him. She felt like crying.

“I… I really hope you will try, and I will swear to the best of my ability never to treat you like that again. Sam, you are a very important person to me, and one of the most understanding people I know. I know I made a big mistake, but I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t made a mistake now and then.”

He looked at her, turning that over in his mind. He certainly hadn’t led a blameless life. It also got his attention that she used Sam rather than Sammie. “You’re right. That’s true.”

“And in the time we’ve known each other have I ever given you cause to think I’m an intolerant bitch?”

“No, you haven’t.”

“Then please, let’s put this behind us, and be my friend again. It feels like you’re letting this one incident erase all the good times we had and how you felt about me.”

How I felt about you… Did he dare mention how he had really felt about her for so long? It would sound like sour grapes. And there was no reason to think that she had changed how she felt about him…in other words, not as a romantic prospect. He absolutely didn’t want to guilt her into a relationship. Maybe he should just go ahead and let her be his plain old friend again, albeit a long-distance one, and forget about anything else. It wouldn’t be as hard now, knowing nothing would ever happen between them. And being all the way across the country would probably make things easier. Plus she’d probably go on to the next jerk, and then break up with him. He sighed.

“Okay, fine.”

“So when I call or text you now you’ll answer?”

“Yes, Vicky.”

She smiled. “Thank you so much. I’ve really missed you, and I think you found a really nice place to live. I like it here.”

“I’ve been enjoying it too. I like how it’s not so flat as a pancake, like Indianapolis.”

“Me too. Oh! You never explained what Ryan Stiles had to do with giving me another chance.”

He laughed. “I had driven to the park to think, just sitting in the car and wondering about second chances. I couldn’t decide whether or not to give you one, so I said, ‘If I’m supposed to give her another chance, show me a stile.’ (like a turnstile) And twenty minutes later he and some woman pulled into the parking lot almost right next to me. Once I figured out that he was the stile I just laughed my head off. I guess he lives around here somewhere.”

Vicky laughed too. “Thank god he showed up!!”

-o0o-

They spent the rest of the day together, walking along the shore, talking just like old times. Sam relaxed and let himself enjoy it. Vicky kept wondering about her feelings towards Sam. They’d always gotten along so well… but did that mean they could be compatible as a couple? And what about his alter-ego? Now that she had learned a lot about cross-dressing, she thought she could handle it if he wanted to dress up with her, but she wondered if it might take some time until she could feel really comfortable with it. Over the hours she did her best to show her appreciation of him, and be free with compliments, but not go over the top; she knew he had trouble hearing good things about himself. She just wanted to make it clear how much she was enjoying his company.

But she didn’t want to get ahead of herself either, so as they parted at the motel that evening, she said, “There’s something I want to try before you go.” They stood facing each other, as Sam wondered what she had in mind. Before he could think about it much further, she put her arms around him and gave him a slow, deep kiss. After his shock wore off he closed his eyes and felt his passion for her ignite, and grabbed her back. The kiss lasted quite a while. When they pulled back from it they didn’t release each other, but stared into each other’s eyes.

She looked kind of speculative. He was about to say something when she went in for another kiss, and there was passion on both sides. She tightened her arms around him, and when this kiss ended she had a nice smile on her face.

“Uhhh, what was that for?” he asked, after he had collected himself.

“It’s something I’d been thinking about for a while, and I had to see how a kiss made me feel. I know you think I’ve always picked the wrong guys, even if you were too polite to say so, and I guess you were right. I’m just wondering now if the right guy wasn’t there all along and I never had a clue.”

Sam was stunned to hear that. Through the years she had never indicated in any fashion that she liked him That Way. His mind raced ahead, wondering what would happen if they became a couple. Would she move to Washington? What about his cross-dressing? Now that he’d been able to do it so freely, he didn’t want it restricted again. What if they didn’t get along? He stopped before he What-If’d himself to death, and told himself to calm down. It was just a kiss. He didn’t know what, if anything, to say in reply.

She put her hand on his cheek and said, “Thank you, Sammie, for a wonderful day.”

She opened her motel room door, turned to wave goodbye with a big smile, and closed the door.

-o0o-

Sam drove home very confused. When the day started he wasn’t even sure if they’d be friends anymore. Now she was considering him as a romantic partner? It didn’t make a lot of sense to him. That kiss, though… that was really nice. No one had ever kissed him like that before. If she was serious about this he wasn’t sure how he would adjust going from friend to boyfriend. Maybe it was a silly thing to wonder about. Well, at least he felt better about her now.

-o0o-

They met again at the diner the following morning for an early breakfast, after which Vicky had to start driving home.

“I really don’t want to leave you now. It’s been more than two years since we really got to see each other, and now, when we’re just getting to know each other again, I have to go back,” she said with an almost-but-not-quite pout.

“We’ll keep in touch,” he said, halfheartedly.

“I’d like to do more than that, Sammie. I may see if I can find a job out here, so we can try and be together.”

“What, are you kidding? Your whole life is back in Indy, your family, friends…your job with the good benefits. Why would you give that up?”

“You really don’t get it, do you?” she looked at him searchingly. “I want to be with you. I’d really like to give Us a try, if you’re willing.”

His eyebrows rose. He hadn’t really thought she was serious about that. He noticed she appeared to be waiting for an answer.

“Oh, uh, I guess… Sorry, I’m just not used to the idea of you seeing me as a romantic interest after all this time. It may take a while to sink in.”

She gave him a gentle smile, and said, “I understand. And I think I would also like to get to know your other side.”

His eyebrows rose again. Was he still asleep?? “I don’t know… Are you sure about that?”

“Definitely! She’s been a part of you all these years, and we never met. I want to get acquainted with this other woman in your life.”

He contented himself with the fact that this would all probably take months to happen, if it happened at all.

“She’s a lot like me,” he finally answered. Glancing at his watch, he got up and said, “I’ve got to get to work. I hope you have a safe ride home.”

“Thanks Sammie. Let me walk outside with you.”

She walked him to his car and they hugged each other warmly. She gave him a quick kiss on the lips and let him go. She watched him drive away and then headed back to her motel to pack and leave.

-o0o-

Vicky wasted no time once she was back home in searching for a job in Bellingham. With an MBA degree she was much more sought after than Sam ever was, and it didn’t take long before she landed a responsible job at a medium-big corporation. She texted Sam every day to keep up the bond she was reestablishing, and called him almost every evening. As she worked out her month’s notice at her current job she looked for houses online. She didn’t want to presume she could simply move in with Sam, and also his house looked a bit small for her taste. If things worked out maybe he would move in with her!

Sam was still having a bit of trouble believing this chain of events. A loving relationship with Vicky was something he had always wanted, but presumed was never going to happen. Now she seemed to be working hard to ensure it would. Her statement about wanting to get to know his femme side was sort of scary. Now that she’d learned something about CDs, he was sure she would never act as horribly as she did when she first got here, but he had never even entertained the thought of sharing this side of himself with her. He wasn’t even sure what to hope for.

-o0o-

In what seemed to Sam a remarkably short time Vicky was back, with a good job and her own house. She invited him over constantly, and gradually felt he had gotten over his trust issues. They were back to their old pleasant relationship, except that she was pushing for more. There was lots of kissing and snuggling. If he had thought about it critically, he would have realized she was treating him very tenderly, wooing him, in fact.

Once she had been there a couple of months she asked if he minded if she went with him to the CD group meeting. This was her way of easing herself into getting to know the Sammie side of him before she asked to spend time alone with “her.”

“I don’t see why not,” Sam replied. “You don’t actually need me to go. I mean, there are no membership fees or anything.”

“Yes, Sammie, but I want us to go as a couple. Don’t you think that might be nice?”

“Um. Sure.”

And she started attending the meetings and getting to know more of the people there. It wasn’t long before she was becoming a notable figure there. She was one of those people who seem to rise to the top no matter what kind of group they’re in. Both the men and the women admired her style and success. Sam didn’t mind this, but he felt more in the background than he was used to while there. Joanne was quietly keeping an eye on him to monitor how he was doing having Vicky in his life.

After about three months of attending the meetings Vicky asked to spend some time alone with the female Sammie. She had observed him at the meetings, and it did seem to her he acted naturally feminine. Maybe his behavior seemed more consonant with whichever gender he was presenting. In his male guise she had never thought of him as acting or moving in an especially feminine way. Maybe this just happened naturally when he put on the clothes?

Since by now Sam was used to her seeing him en femme, he agreed to her request, although he didn’t understand what the difference would be for her. He felt he was the same person either way.

Saturday she came to his house in time for lunch, and he was already dressed up.

“Hi Sammie! You look very nice today.”

“Thank you. You do also. Come in.”

They had a leisurely meal, which he cooked, and made their usual conversation.

“So Sammie, how would you feel about going down to the Bay and just walking, maybe on the Taylor Boardwalk?”

“Uhh, Vicky, I don’t really ‘go out’ when I’m dressed, other than to the meetings. I’m too afraid of being clocked. And anyway, don’t you think I’m a little too dressed up for something like that?”

“I agree you are a bit overdressed for a walk like that. Don’t you have any casual clothes?”

“Not really, no. For CDs like me, the idea is to appear and feel feminine, so I’d bet most of us don’t have stuff like, say, sweats to hang around in. It’s hard enough for us to look feminine in dresses.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I think you look pretty good.”

“Well, um, thanks, but I think I would be too nervous to go out like that.”

She thought for a minute. “What if we went out at dusk? There should hardly be anyone there by then. And if you want, we can go to my house where I have some more casual clothes you could probably fit into. What do you say?”

Going out on the Boardwalk might be nice. And at dusk people shouldn’t be able to see his face, probably.

“I may regret this, but it sounds nice.”

“Great!” she smiled. “You have flats, right?”

He nodded yes. He had one pair of heels and one pair of flats.

“Why don’t we go to my place now and see what we can find for you?”

“Okay. Let me just find my flats.”

-o0o-

Once he had them on they got into Vicky’s car and made the short trip to her place. They went straight to her closet.

“Shall I presume you don’t want to wear sweats?”

“You shall, yes!”

“How about this denim skirt? And I have a selection of blouses, if you’d like to choose one.”

The skirt was a simple A-line knee-length one, but feminine enough to satisfy him. He looked through the blouses and chose one with a high collar and full sleeves. It was more formal than Vicky would have chosen for the occasion, but she said nothing about that.

“You should try them on to make sure they fit.”

“Um, yes, good idea.” He was just a little bit shy of undressing in front of her—taking the relationship very slowly they hadn’t progressed that far—but she unzipped his dress and he shrugged out of it, revealing all his shapewear.

Vicky hadn’t really spent a lot of time wondering what gave Sammie his curves, but it was now plain to see: a bunch of garments no woman she personally knew would wear. But she understood a man would have to work a lot harder to get the right shape to pass as a woman. She thought he was kind of sexy in all those foundation garments, and smiled.

Sam noticed. “What are you smiling at?” worried she thought this was funny.

She came close to him and put her arms around his slimmed-down waist. “I like the way you look. That’s some sexy lingerie you have there. I’ve never had anything like that.”

“You don’t need it,” he retorted.

“Well, I like it on you,” she said softly, and started kissing him. After several minutes the action moved to the bed and things escalated until some items had to be removed for access.

-o0o-

Sam had been wondering how they were going to spend the hours until dusk, but he needn’t have worried. He lay there contentedly pressed against Vicky, her arm around him, thinking that this was the first time they had ever had sex and it was while he was still Sammie. The whole situation was mind-boggling.

If Vicky had been worried this would be like Lesbian sex, her fears were now proven groundless. Too, she now had an idea of what the women at the club meant when they said the sex was good when their partner was dressed. She propped herself up on one elbow and found pleasure running her free hand over his feminine shape, as men had done with her.

At 5 they got up and cleaned themselves up. Then he put on the skirt and blouse, which did fit. As he looked in the full-length mirror she came up behind him and put her hands on his shoulders.

“You look good. I’m not used to seeing you in such a casual mode.”

“Thanks. I guess it does look okay.”

“Let me finish it off with a scarf,” she said, and went to find one. Bringing it back she tied it loosely around his neck.

“Hey, that makes a lot of difference!”

“Tricks of the trade, Babe.”

While he was working on his makeup she asked, “Can we go out to dinner, Sammie? We can pick somewhere on the other side of town.”

He froze. “I, I’m…”

“Don’t worry, if anyone tries anything, I’ll kick their ass for you!” Vicky said, with a smile. She really could kick their ass, too, having studied Tae Kwon Do for years. At least her comment got a smile out of him—or… was it her? “Anyhow, I wouldn’t have suggested if I didn’t think you could pass well.”

Although extremely nervous about it, he shrugged and finished touching up his makeup. She drove them to a seafood place near the Bellingham Yacht Club. Although he was so nervous, no one appeared to think they were anything other than two women, and he gradually relaxed a bit.

From Vicky’s point of view, Sammie did seem different than Sam. She was quieter, if that was possible, somewhat more graceful; feminine even in the way she ate. Vicky knew some of how he/she was acting was due to nervousness. But their conversation felt the same as always. Sammie wasn’t quite a different person, but there was a definite difference. She filed all this away in her head for future reference.

Once the meal was over, she drove them to 10th street and Taylor, where they parked. It was darkening up now, and Sammie seemed to appreciate that. They walked out onto the Boardwalk and slowly strolled along it, admiring the evening view of the Bay, not saying much. There was a pleasant breeze, and she put her arm around Sammie, who seemed to melt into her. There were no others in sight out on the Boardwalk, and they turned their heads towards each other at the same moment and gave each other a deep kiss. The setting and their earlier activities today made them feel very close to each other.

“I really like this Sammie,” said Vicky.

Sammie was confused for a minute. “Wait, you ‘really like this, comma’ as in this situation? Or you really like this version of me?”

“This version.”

“Oh. Really? I think I’m the same either way,” he answered.

“There are some subtle differences I’ve noticed. It’s almost like you put out a female vibe this way. It’s very attractive.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. Yes, he had spent years perfecting his female persona, but he hadn’t made any special effort as far as projecting female energy, didn’t even know that was possible. What he did know was that hanging out with Vicky right now he was feeling different than he ever had. All those years of cross-dressing had been a solitary pursuit. Interacting with her this way he was feeling a lot more feminine than he usually did while dressed, which he found interesting and maybe somewhat exciting. It was very enjoyable.

Vicky was discovering she enjoyed taking the so-called male role. The wooing, the initiating intimacy and all the rest of it. And it was obvious to her that Sammie was enjoying the female role. Where were they going with this?

The wind picked up a bit, and they both began to feel a little chilled. They turned around and headed home.

-o0o-

“Would you like to spend the night with me, Sammie?”

“I don’t think I can; I have work tomorrow.”

“Welllll, what if I stop and pick up some clothes, and we’ll spend the night at your place?”

“That’d work!”

Vicky was happy he said yes. She didn’t really want to be parted after such a nice day. Plus it might give her another insight into this interesting person if she slept with Sam rather than Sammie.

As they drove back to her place she reflected that Sammie probably knew a lot more about her than she did about him. All through the years not only had she done most of the talking, it was he who had been there for her. She hadn’t much needed to be there for him, she thought. He had hardly dated, and never went steady with any girl long enough to be considered dumped.

-o0o-

They followed through with her plan, and she stayed the night with him, the first night of many. In the following months they grew closer than ever before, and she learned what made him tick. She grew to really appreciate the female Sammie, and Sammie found herself feeling more feminine as she was treated as such.

Probably The End, but who knows? (certainly not the author)