He is in me! I couldn’t believe it was happening, but he is in me!

A few months before that happened…..

I was almost fifteen and moving to a new city, well, new to me. It’s my dad’s hometown and after lockdown and furlough he had a new job and we were moving back there. Me, my mum and my sister had already moved ahead in a rented home while dad was sorting the old house sale and tying up loose ends. Mum had taken my sister to a sixth form college and as I didn’t know a soul here, I was a bit bored and being shown around a few places by my uncle. He was really cool, and worked as a graphic designer, something I wanted to do myself as I really enjoyed art and drew a lot of anime characters and things in that style. Oh, I should introduce myself, I’m Andrew, but always go by Andi, and with lockdown I started experimenting with my look and while my sister called me a goth, really it was really more goth lite, maybe a bit emo, but even then that’s not quite the whole truth and I will explain that a bit better when I understand it myself. I had been bullied a bit at school so was quite pleased to escape it with lockdowns. I’m skinny and try to project a bit of an androgynous look, because, well, that’s something else I will talk about later. And while I wasn’t allowed to dye my hair black, it is down to my chin now and I would like to dye it a bit darker as I while I like the brunette hair, I would like it be darker, hence why I liked the product.

Anyway, I was with my uncle being shown around and we stopped at a pub to get something to eat, sitting in the garden waiting for our food. I was sipping on a coke while he drank a
Guinness. It was a nice day, but of course I was wearing a hoody, and as I had had run out of any hair styling product I had put it into what I liked to call a man bun, but in reality was two mini messy ponytails as the hair was always sticking up and out, but I liked it.

We chatted a bit about random stuff and he was asking me questions about my art and how I was getting on with Illustrator and so on, when a woman called Sandy came over to say hello to him. I knew he was gay and had guessed from the rainbows this was a gay bar. I don’t have a problem of course, why would I? Sandy said hello to me and my uncle explained why I was here and what we were doing.

“Do you know what school you’re going to be going to?” Sandy asked me.

I said, “Um, yeah, it’s the academy”.

Sandy replied, “Oh that’s good, I have a niece, well, god daughter who goes there. She’s going to be in Year 11, what will you be in?’

My heart sank, I felt like I was being ‘forced’ into meeting her and everyone hoping that I would have a friend before school. My uncle replied for me, telling her I would also be the same year. There was the expected discussion about us meeting up with her and me trying to think up an excuse to avoid it, when Sandy started to change my mind.

“She’s a goth like you, although I think she calls herself a pastel goth or something like that this week anyway, but I suspect you might listen to some of the same music. I know she likes anime and that stuff.”

I was going to say I’m only kind of a goth, but when she mentioned anime I decided to give her a chance. Sandy then said to my uncle that we should talk about it and if I was ok we would go from there and she left. He’s being protective of me, which is nice and he asked me if I did want to meet her and if I was ok with it if I said no, and that he didn’t know this was going to happen.

I thought about it for a second and the thing is, I’m bored. I only sort of know this place and there’s not a huge amount for me to do here. I was nervous about meeting her but agreed to it with a shrug and a smile, and then he went to chat to Sandy and I saw them both texting people. Five minutes later he came back and told me it was agreed, I would be meeting her tomorrow and we would all go ‘somewhere’, wherever somewhere is.

Mum knew about it when I got home, it had all been arranged and the next day I was trying to work out what to wear. I didn’t have a huge amount of clothes in the style I prefer, but I did have a few things I liked. I put on my baggiest black jeans, my Doc Martens, and a black long sleeve top that I love. It has purple cats on it and I love cats but my sister is allergic so we can’t have one. I found it in a charity shop and it didn’t have a label but it was so soft it felt really nice to wear and fitted me tightly, making me look even more androgynous but I had learned to own that, and with my style it made me feel comfortable. As it was so fitting, I put a baggy tee shirt over the top to hide how skinny I was and so on. It was quite new and an Evanescence shirt as I loved the band. Uncle Steve pulled up in his Audi EV with Sandy already sitting in the front so I climbed in the back and off we went. We drove round the corner and stopped, so it seemed she lived close to me. A door opened and out walked a goddess!

She was wearing a full length body hugging dark long green dress with a split that went to mid thigh on one side and what I first thought was a wide belt but was a little corset type thing, knee high New Rocks and a little bag hanging from her arm. Her long red hair was straight and she looked fierce! I was a bit embarrassed as I felt massively underdressed compared to her. She walked to the car and got in, swinging her legs into the car and she gave me a huge smile.

She said, ’Hi Andi, I’m Sarah. Love the top.”

And off we went with me saying hello back. Sandy and Uncle Steve chatted away and did most of the talking until we arrived at a Starbucks on the edge of a park. We went in and had a coffee and slowly I opened up a bit more to her. I found out later she was nervous as well which is why she dressed how she did to give herself a confidence boost. I know I used my look as armour in a way, and she said that she sometimes did the same, such as almost going over the top with her clothes today and giving her mum a heart attack when she did.

Her original outfits skirt really was that short.

After we finished the coffee, they asked us what we wanted to do, and Sarah wanted to see some of my art so we headed to mine so I could get my laptop out as Sandy wouldn’t let her walk home dressed as she was, even though it wasn’t far, so we went to hers instead. I did see Sarah roll her eyes at that and it made me smile as old people just don’t get us really. Sarah’s mum was in and went out to say bye to Sandy, and went up to her room. We had to leave the door open, but closed it most of the way. I had no idea where this was going but went along with her. I showed her my art, what I was working on and the scans of my hand drawings.

She looked at me and said, ”You know, your eyes would look great with some liner.” I told her I knew and was going to wear it today but didn’t feel confident enough. “Right,” she said, “we need to fix that.” And she opened up her make up box. I told her it’s ok, and she kept trying to convince me to do it, but I just smiled at her until she stopped talking. “What? What’s the problem?”

“I have my own make up.” I told her.

She squealed in delight, and told me to go stand in the corner while she got changed. She told me a little about the scene here and that while it wasn’t that big, there was a club that we could go to when they had a goth night once a month that was kinda cool, even though I had told I wasn’t really a goth, more goth adjacent. But the next one was in three weeks and she said we should go, then told me to turn around. She had swapped the dress for skinny jeans and had a long top that was really a dress that was white with some purple shapes on it.

As I walked closer I saw the purple shapes were cats and it was the same as my top, just the colours reversed. I reached out to touch the material and it felt the same as mine and had the same long sleeves, but hers was just longer on her body. She reached out and took hold of the hem of mine and turned it inside out showing it to me. She said, “Your’s has been shortened into a top. Now you know why I like it!” And with that she picked up her bag and I grabbed my laptop and followed her out the door.

Two hours later when my mum and sister came home, I was wearing eyeliner, eyeshadow, and some of Sarah’s blusher, eyebrows pencilled in (and tidied up a little bit), and the same lipstick colour as her. The first thing mum said to me was that I looked very pretty.

Sarah had given my hair a similar style to hers, no parting for a change and flipped it over the top and behind my ear. We had posted some photos on her insta that were pulling in a lots of likes, and were both giggling away at the comments asking ‘who is the other girl?’ We screamed with laughter when some boys were saying how much they were looking forward to seeing the ‘new girl’ at the school. The DM’s were even funnier with a lot of accounts with no profile picture getting blocked right after they had seen our reply rating them.

Outside of porn I don’t think I had ever seen so many erections!

Sarah went home shortly after my sister, Claire, had got home and she helped me clean the make up off with some of mum’s wipes. Neither had any issue with me wearing it, in fact, mum surprised me when she said she had always thought I was a little gender fluid, and that me wanting to look bit androgynous allowed me to experiment. And then my sister agreed with her.

It gave me something to think about and it made me more relaxed about wearing my own eyeliner and some eye shadow in front of them, and maybe, just maybe I could risk telling them that, well, I think I might be gender fluid, or at least a femboy as I while I like looking androgynous, I would prefer a little more femininity in my style.

The next day I put on my own eyeliner and some black shadow as well, trying for a kinda smoky eye look, and then I went round to Sarah’s as planned. We didn’t have any plans to do anything, we were just going to listen to music, some HIM and Evanescence, even some classic stuff like Bon Jovi and Led Zeppelin and so on while we just chatted.

At some point the conversation turned around to fashion as I was moaning about how few options there really were for goth or grunge or emo men, basically, black jeans, tee shirts or hoody’s and Sarah pointed out it wasn’t really that different for women. We ended up pulling out her wardrobe with me counting the variations. With shoes alone she had so many more options than me. I was wearing a pair of ankle rider boots as my mum called them, but Sarah had four different versions of my boot each with a different heel height.

She said, “Look, if it’s such a problem, you can borrow any of mine when ever you want.”

I looked at her New Rocks and said I wanted to try them. I had a pair of my own but knew she would say no, as I would never let anyone wear mine. But she said yes, so I slipped off my boots and put them on, zipping them up. They fit me perfectly and I walked about in them and she said, “See, it’s no big deal.”

I replied, “I know, but I already have a pair of these.”

She rolled her eyes at me, and handed me a pair of dark burgundy shiny platform boots with at least a four inch heel that were in the same rider style as mine.

“Ha ha! Do you think I’m scared to wear them?” I asked.

“No, I think with those skinny jeans they will look great.”

She had a serious look on her face and I was worried I had upset her, so I took them from her pointing out I will look stupid in them, maybe a little scared to put them on in front of here and she said “Man up and be a woman about it!”

Fine! I took the New Rocks off and put them on. It felt weird having my foot forced into being toe down as I had never worn something so high, but we weren't going anywhere and only in her house. Plus, like mum said, she seems to think I might be gender fluid, and they felt comfortable if a little strange at first.

But secretly I was thrilled and tried to hide it.

We stood in front of her mirror and looked and they did make my legs look great and they weren’t as hard to walk in as I expected them to be. It was also funny being a little taller than Sarah now and she didn’t like that so put a pair of boots on herself with a similar height heel. We went downstairs to her kitchen to see what was in the fridge and that was a bit strange as going down the stairs I knew I had to turn slightly to not fall, and then standing at the worktops I was higher than I was used to and that felt really weird. I mentioned it to Sarah and she told me that the first time she wore heels she felt the same but got used to it so I will as well.

We took a sandwich back to her room with some crisps and carried on chatting and listening to music. She said, “The top you wore yesterday, if you liked it so much, why did you hide it under the baggy tee shirt?”

This was the conversation I was dreading, it was part of why I got bullied at my old school. Sarah saw how nervous I was and came over to give me a hug and said, “It’s ok, whatever you want to say will be between us.”

I looked at her wondering just how true that was, but guessed she would find out about it eventually. I got her to promise that she would keep my secret. She got up, picked up her New Rocks and said they were mine if she told anyone.

I looked at her and got my nerves together and said, “So, a couple of years ago I started budding.”

I waited to see what she would say and for a few seconds she was completely lost, then her eyes went wide.

“But, you’re a boy!”. I then explained a little more and that after a lot of tests it turned out I had an extra X chromosome making me XXY and had developed gynecomastia thanks to a hormone imbalance because of it. So far that was the only symptom and they’ve been waiting to see if my testosterone goes up, but so far I have similar levels of it as a women, but of oestrogen as well. When I turn 15 right before school starts I have to make a decision about what to do, do I go one way or the other. Sarah gave me a big hug, thanking me for trusting her and telling me not to worry about her saying anything unless I wanted her to. She then asked the question I’ve been dreading, the one my parents don’t ask as they said not until the day after my birthday.

“So what are you going to do?”

I confessed I liked where I am right now, sure school is difficult but it won’t go on forever. I wasn’t ready to confess to her about how I see myself, not yet, just saying I quite like looking androgynous at the moment. Sarah was about to ask something, but stopped herself. I think I knew what she wanted to ask, so told her she could ask me anything.

“So, does it work?”

Ok, not the question I was expecting. Seeing that I had just told her I started growing boobs two years ago, telling her that was nothing.

“Yes, it works.”

And we both started to giggle. There were a few more questions about how I hide them and her understanding why I liked tight tops with a baggy tee shirt over it. She looked at me and I still don’t know how I didn’t see what was coming next. “So take the tee shirt off then.”

This was nerve wracking, I felt like I was getting a friend here, but what do I do? She said it will happen anyway at some point so I may as well get over it now, and I slowly started to take it off, but she wouldn't wait and ripped it over my head, leaving me in a tight top that helped to keep them a bit flatter and stop some of the bouncing.

I was trying to fold my arms to hide them, but she got up and faced the wall, took off her shirt, slipped off her bra and put on a tight top and then turned to face me. She said to me, “See, I’m ok with you seeing the shape of my boobs, now let me see the girls!”

I couldn’t help but laugh and slowly lowered my arms, standing up to face her. She looked me up and down and I thought, well, if she can then so can I, so we stood there checking each other out. Finally she went to a drawer and took something out. It was a tape measure and said, “Come on, arms up.”

I had always avoided this, but she explained she was going to do it and what she was going to measure. She did my waist first, then wrote a number down. Then came back and tried to measure my hips, but her face looked unhappy with that, so she measured around my chest, right under my boobs, then right across my nipples.

She looked at me and said this won’t work. I didn’t understand and she said, “You need to take the top off.”

No way! I was not doing that, and told her in lots of different ways I wouldn’t do it. She took a deep breath and sighed, saying to herself ‘I knew this would happen’, and then she lifted her top over her head. There she was, half naked, right in from of me. She put her hands on hips as she waited for me to do the same.

Slowly I started to lift it over my head, and when my face was completely covered I felt them both drop free, not exactly a big drop, but a drop never the less and she gasped. I quickly covered up and she apologised saying she wasn’t expecting to see what she did, please carry on. It took a few seconds to calm down, get my nerve back and I finished taking it off, dropping my top on the side. And there we were, both half naked.

“They’re quite nice, you know.” She told me.

I was blushing everywhere it felt, and finally was able to say her’s were nice too. It’s funny, other than porn this was the first time I had seen boobs that weren’t in the mirror. It didn’t help that she was very attractive. I was attracted to her, but right now this felt more like ‘you show me yours and I’ll show you mine’.

So thankfully the thing that she asked if it works was only paying a little attention right now, my nerves and fear were keeping it from it’s full, but not that impressive glory. Sarah got back to measuring me and writing it down, asking me to lower my jeans so she could get my hips. Obviously my boxers weren’t Calvins, but they were the same style so I didn’t need to drop them for her. Sarah then handed me the measure, turned over the page in her notebook and told me to measure her.

This was horrible for me! She had just touched my boobs, the first time it wasn’t a doctor and my nipples had done that thing they do and gone all puffy. Now I was likely to touch her boobs and couldn’t think how I could keep them under control, let alone the other thing! I decided to start with her hips, so she undid her jeans and lowered them. There was her underwear and I’m thinking I started at the wrong place. I wrote it down. I then did her waist and her chest. She looked at the paper and told me it was called an underbust, not a chest, so I crossed it out and rewrote it, all while trying to think of things than that I had just touched her underboob, and now I needed to go over her nipple!

I got through it, but down there was very awake now, and thankful it was over. She mentioned to sit on her bed and grabbed her notebook and laptop, as she laid the numbers out next to each other. In her mirror I could see us both sitting there topless as if it was nothing at all.

She looked at me and said, “I should really hate you for this!” I looked at them and what we had each written.

Andi
Boobs - 30
Waist - 24
Hips - 34

Sarah
Breast - 32
Underbust - 29
Waist - 26
hips - 34

I asked her, “Why didn’t you put my underbust?”

She told me she just wanted to see how I would react to my boobs being touched, and if I was brave enough to do the same to her. Then she looked me right in the eye, saying, “Plus I wanted to know if you were lying about it working.”

And her eyes flicked down. “You bitch!” I laughed and nudged her away.

“Takes one to know one.”

It was funny, I felt totally relaxed about sitting here like this. My mum has seen them but only at the doctors, my sister has asked to see them but I didn’t want anyone to see them if I could avoid it. But she had just touched mine, I had touched her and it was just two friends comparing sizes.

She said, “I should hate you seeing that you’re a skinny bitch, but you’re cool.”

We chatted a bit more about nothing in particular, just sitting there and all my self conciseness seemed to slowly fade away about it. Sarah got up walked to one of the piles of clothes and pulled something out that looked like a black blouse and told me to pull it on. I stood up and pulled the blouse over my head. It was quite long and when I looked in the mirror realised it was a short dress. The sleeves were short and puffy and it had a square neckline with black embroidery and edges and was elasticated under my boobs. It looked ok on me.

I turned to Sarah and she was smiling. “You know, with your figure I think we could share most of our clothes. Although men’s clothes are boring of course so I don’t expect to borrow much!”

I threw my tee shirt at her, but she just held it up laughing, telling me she wasn’t surprised I threw it away. I left the blouse/dress on and we carried on chatting away and after a bit she asked me a question that really surprised me. “You know, you really need to wear a bra with that dress. I don’t think I still have any in your cup size but I do have some bra fillers that will help if you want?”

I didn’t understand what she meant and must have looked confused. She went on to explain that when I took my top off it looked like I was an A cup, which of course made me cup them and not really know what she was on about. Mum and my sister had been trying to get me to wear one, even a sports bra, but I was happy with the system I had, although it was nice feeling them be a bit more freer and I did like how the material felt against my nipples.

Sarah was opening up one the lower drawers on her dresser, searching in the back until she pulled out a black bra. She held it up and said to me, “Come on, let’s get you in this!” And she threw it as me. I took off the blouse/dress and slipped into the bra, doing it up behind my back. Sarah stood behind me and helped, explaining what I needed to do by adjusting the straps.

She went back to the drawer and stood behind me, pressing against me as she slipped two things in my bra, lifting up my boobs. I had stopped trying to pretend they were my pecs now, as she adjusted the inserts. I could smell her perfume and while I’ve had a girlfriend before (not like we did much and I ended it when the girls became harder to hide), she wasn’t as stunning as Sarah. She walked me to the mirror and I now had a cleavage and two very obvious boobs. She explained that if I had a padded bra they would give me some lift and she kept staying behind me as she moved about my ‘boobs’ to get them sitting int he bra correctly.

I put the blouse/dress back on and knew for sure now it was a dress, it fitted me a lot better and where it was pulled in at my waist made my ‘boobs’ very obvious, especially with the little bit of cleavage now showing. Sarah kept looking at it and as a teenage boy who’s boobs had just been moved about I was glad the dress was flared as I can’t imagine how I could have hidden what was going on down there in skinny jeans. At the end of the day I needed to go home for food so I took the dress and bra off, completely forgetting about the inserts which fell to ground, making us both giggle away again.

I started walking home and about halfway I stopped and went back. When Sarah answered the door she was holding my boots and I stepped inside to change them back as we talked about how comfortable I was wearing her heels. She was coming to mine tomorrow and we were going into town so she could show me some good shops. Today felt really good, I felt comfortable and desperately wanted to share with her what I feel, but there’s always the fear that she will laugh at me. It took a couple of days before it clicked with me that I had worn a bra, a dress and high heeled boots with her so she was unlikely to be offended by it.

The next day Sarah knocked on my door to take me into town to show me around. She was wearing leggings and the boots I wore yesterday, with a shirt and a wide black belt to show off her waist with her hair down. I was in my skinny jeans and a hoody, black of course and my hair was in a ponytail low on my head. She looked me up and down and said this won’t do, I should at least wear some eyeliner! I invited her in and said I liked how her eyeliner was winged and she offered to do the same for me.

She opened her handbag and took out some liquid eyeliner, I had some but hadn’t used it before so I showed her what I had and she showed me how to do it as she talked me through the process. I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting it to the be the same as hers, maybe a bit less but she said it looked good so I tried to copy it on my other eye. It took a few attempts, cleaning it off each time but I finally matched eyes. I must admit, it did look good and certainly gave my face a more feminine look.

She pointed out that with the hoody it now made my eyes look a bit over the top so we detoured to hers for a change of outfit for me. I told her I wasn’t going to wear the dress or bra and she said that’s not what she was thinking. In her room she handed me a vest with spaghetti straps and I put it on, glad it came up much higher on my chest, but of course it meant the ‘girls were clearly on show’ as Sarah pointed out. Then she gave me a black short sleeved shirt that when I put it on and found out it was fitted to my waist and the sleeves were very short, but I did like the look overall, checking myself out in her mirror.

We got the bus into town and the driver asked where ‘you girls’ were going today. It did make us laugh and it’s not like I was trying to look like a girl, I mean, my skinny jeans had a kinda obvious, if small, male shape, but I was a bit thrilled by it. After looking around a few shops and Sarah picking up a delivery for her mum, she said we would go to the only goth shop tomorrow. Back at Sarah’s after we had something to eat, I got changed back into my hoody and we cleaned off the eyeliner.

We were sitting next to each other on her bed resting against the backboard and she leant against me as we chatted. I looked at her and she looked at me, I was hoping she wanted to kiss me, she really is beautiful, and I leant forward a little, just in case I was wrong. She tilted he head and leant towards me and I titled mine.

I’ve no idea how long we kissed for, but I loved every second of it. We knew we had to stop as our hands were going to a lot of places and I don’t think I was quite ready to have sex yet and I had no idea how to make it happen, or have a condom anyway, but we were certainly touching each other a lot.

We stopped as I needed to be going home and we cleaned ourselves up we chatted a bit. She admitted that she liked my androgyny and thought I made a very pretty girl but also a cute boy that she definitely liked kissing. I told her I thought she was beautiful and that I was really worried I was taking her away from her friends. She said, “Oh don’t worry about that, we’re going to meet some of them tomorrow.”

I kissed her again as I left and passed her mum on the way home who said she was pleased that I had found a friend after moving here, reminding me we had to leave the door open. I laughed and told her she had nothing to worry about as we’re just friends.

The next day I arrived at Sarah’s early and it was already a hot. Once again in skinny jeans but also in a tight long sleeved top and a baggy tee shirt with my hair down for a change to try and stay cool. Sarah was in shorts, wide fishnet tights and a vest top, also with her hair down. We had some time, so we had a can of coke each before we left. She asked if I had my own shorts and I admitted I only had swimming trunks I haven’t worn in years so doubt if they fit me anymore, reminding her of our conversation about men’s fashion.

She looked at me for a couple of seconds and said to follow her. She rushed ahead to her room and when I got there she was pulling things out of drawers and her wardrobe. She turned to me and said, ‘strip’. I took my tee shirt off and picked up the vest she had laid out in the same style as I had worn yesterday but shorter, and started to put it on. She told me to stop, she had more to do. I waited till she finally looked round and she said I need to lose the jeans as she handed me a pair of jeans shorts.

“Really? I can’t wear these!” I told her and she told me to put them on as she walked to the corner of the room to face away from me. I stripped off my jeans and pulled the shorts on. The felt really weird, what with me wearing boxers under them that were poking out of the legs.

She said, “Mmmmm, I thought so.”

And she went to one of her drawers and pulled out a packet of something. She opened them and handed me what I realised was a pair of brand new underwear. “They are boyshorts, brand new. Go to the bathroom and put them on, and then the shorts.”

I took them with me out the door, wondering what was going on. She told me to hurry up. In there I stripped my boxers of and pulled up the black cotton boyshorts, wondering if they would fit as the seemed so small. They stretched to fit and obviously weren't made for a boy, and I debated whether to tuck or not, but just pulled the shorts up and headed back. She looked me up and down and then handed me her iPad. I looked at the screen and it was a page saying ‘how to tuck’. I was confused and looked at her and she pointed to the bulge in my shorts. Ok, back to the bathroom taking the iPad so it at least looked like I was going to follow the instructions, and three minutes later I returned with a very smooth front on the shorts, which I swear were only a little bit bigger than daisy dukes!

She smiled at me saying how much better it looked, but was worried it was painful or uncomfortable but I reassured that wasn’t the case at all.

‘Ok,” she said, “now I need you to take the shorts off so you can put these on.” And she held up something that once I took them from her realised it was a pair of very wide hole fishnets like the ones she was wearing. I told her I wasn’t sure about this, which wasn’t really true as I kinda wanted to try her look after yesterday, plus I did like how my boobs felt supported in the bra yesterday, so I decided to go with this. It would be fun to dress like her and maybe it was the excuse I was looking for. She gave me a smile and said, “Go on, I know you want to really.”

I unbuttoned the shorts and lowered them and she stopped to look at me down there. I wondered what was going on, but she was looking closely at my tuck to see how I looked. Her hand reached out to have a feel but I stopped her. “Please don’t, I’m worried that if you do it will get, well, you know, and be painful where it’s tucked.”

She pulled her hand back and I sat down to pretend to work out how to put the tights on and she talked me through it. Finally I pulled them up, then stepped back into the shorts. I was about to head to the full length mirror but she stopped me, and handed me the black bra. I slipped it on and got it hooked up at the back then put the inserts in and adjusting the fit to give me a cleavage. I was about to put the vest on, but Sarah opened up her make up case and together we finished making up my face, lipstick the works. I then put the black vest top on, picked up a pair of boots similar to what I wore two days ago but in black and put them on.

I looked at myself in the mirror, but the look just felt wrong. Somehow on me the wide fishnets tights just didn’t feel right. I was already super self conscious and they felt like a step too far, and I told Sarah, so off came the shorts again, then the tights and the shorts back on. Like this I couldn’t pull off the whole androgynous look, I was very much looking like a girl, and while I was excited about that, I was a bit scared too, and decided to tone down the make up around my eyes until I felt a little bit more invisible.

We stood in front of the mirror together and I grabbed my phone as we started taking loads of selfies, selecting the ones we liked the best before Sarah posted them.

I was looking at the ones in my phone and wondering if I should post them to my account but I wasn’t quite sure, so maybe I need to think about that for the future. Plus my sister followed me and might tell our parents. What about the others from my old school? What if they see it? I’ll save that decision for another day. Sarah grabbed a handbag and asked for what was in my jeans pockets. It took a second to understand what she meant so I got my keys, phone and they went into the bag while she emptied my wallet into a purse.

While I was admiring myself in the mirror, I picked up a shirt she had left out, and pulled it on, feeling a bit more covered up and maybe a bit less visible. Sarah went downstairs for something, and when she came back she had a carrier bag and put my clothes in. “Come on,” she said, “let’s go.”

I followed her out blindly and it was only when she opened the front door I realised what was about to happen. We were going into town today and my clothes in the bag were going back to mine before we went out. I was dressed like this and I froze. She walked back and took my hand, “It’s ok, you can do this. I can tell you want to.” She told me.

She gave me a big hug and I nodded. I think I can do this, I like looking feminine, and I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but never had an excuse to do it. At least I can say we were messing around and I wanted to try to look more fluid in the feminine direction rather than just androgynous. I took a deep breath and holding Sarah’s hand I walked out the door with her.

I was very aware today, more than the other day, that the boots with the high heels were making me walk like a girl, but I wasn’t trying to act like a girl, I was just being me. We dropped my bag at home and headed to the bus stop. No one stopped and pointed, although a lot of people were looking at the two girls waiting at the bus stop in tight shorts that showed a little bum cheek and I kept trying to fish the wedgie out until Sarah told me to not worry about it, the shorts are meant to do that.

When we got into town, the first thing Sarah did was take me to a shop to get a bra fitting to find out my right size. It was kinda awful to be honest, having to take the inserts out in front of a woman, then her measuring me. Turns out I was an A cup and not long before I’ll be a B cup the woman said, while Sarah was very much a B cup.

So that’s the story of how I brought my first bra, well, Sarah picked it out, a simple black tee shirt bra and I wore it out the shop with the inserts in my handbag, and Sarah’s old bra in the bin. We headed towards a different part of town, not far from the main shopping area and went straight to a boutique shop for alternative fashion called The Stop. Sarah knew the people in there and introduced me, and we looked around, tried a few things on and I even tried on a very short tartan dress, and borrowed a belt that pulled it in at the waist. It was really short and I was very aware that bending even a little would mean my boyshorts would be on display.

I did like it though, and knew Sarah had one so I could always borrow her’s. Wait, did I just say I would borrow a dress? I need to slow down a bit. Anyway, I took a few photos of it in the mirror, along with everything else I tried on before changing back. There was a corset top that hooked up at the front and I really loved it and almost brought it, but just had to stop myself as I wondered how I would explain it to my parents.

After chatting to the staff in there, we left and headed to the shopping mall to meet her friends. I suddenly felt a bit nervous and asked about Sarah about it. Sarah had already told them after seeing us on insta and no one seemed to mind about me at all. She told me they were surprised I had shaved under my arms as well as my legs. I admitted I did that after the first day together when I tried on some clothes with her, but I hardly needed to as there wasn’t a lot of growth anyway.

Sarah said, “I thought so, I wanted to ask after you took you jeans off as I couldn't see any hair down there.”

I told her I had shaved that as well, turning very red, but she told me not to worry, she does as well. I became very uncomfortable in my shorts at that point for a little while.

We walked into the mall and Sarah said she needed to go to the loo and was I coming with her? I was really confused at this point, what do I do? Yes I need to go, but do I go in there. Sarah made my mind up for me as she walked towards it holding my hand and I knew I needed to and couldn't go into the gents dressed like this. We went in, I sat down to go, wiped, joined Sarah at the sinks and washed my hands before we touched up our make up. While it wasn’t super busy in there, we weren’t alone and no one took any notice of me. Well, other than what I was wearing of course, but now my clothes felt like armour, like they made one part of me invisible and it was only my clothes that people saw. It was freeing.

Besides, I felt good about how I looked, no longer feeling like I’m hiding.

We headed to the food court and Sarah waved at a group of girls who very much were not dressed like us. We got a drink and went to join them and after being introduced, I realised they knew who I was; in that I was a boy. They didn’t really seem to care that much, but I was honest when asked about it, that yes the cleavage was all me. I explained that I was experimenting due to my condition and that while I liked the androgynous look, my mum thought I was probably gender fluid, but right now this is fun so I’m choosing to enjoy and embrace it today.

We chatted together for about an hour and they told me a little about the school and which teachers were nice, who wasn’t and so on. And then a boy walked over to us, looking at me. At first I thought he knew about me, but the girls knew him and he was friendly enough when he said hello. He was in the same class as them all and his mum was buying a new school uniform for him, so he was trying to get away for a bit but had to go back soon for the shoes! He pulled up a chair and sat between Sarah and me, and Sarah and the girls exchanged looks so I guess he is interested in her.

He looks at me and says, “Hi I’m Dave and you must be the new girl then?”

I blushed and felt my whole body go hot. I looked down and could see that even my boobs had gone red. Oh god, I thought, this is horrible! My school life flashed in front of my eyes and no matter what I said now, I would probably end up being bullied at my new school when everyone knew.

I opted for truth, just get it out the way and accept it. “Not exactly,” I told him, “I am going to be new at the school, but I’m not a girl or a boy, I’m gender fluid, I think, but a boy under here.”

I didn’t even know if that was true yet, but it was easier to just say it,

“Oh, well that’s ok, I’m sure everyone will accept you.” He told me.

I gave him a look and he smiled and said, “Ok, maybe not everyone but I’m sure it won’t be as bad as it could be. I mean, this is the 21st century.”

I smiled and said I hope so. We chatted a bit and talked about the school, music, film, streaming, and just general stuff until he was called away by his mum. He said bye to everyone, gave me a wave and walked off. I watched him go and turned back to the girls who were all looking at me with big smiles. I looked at Sarah and said to the girls, “What?”

And they started to laugh until Sarah took my hand and whispered in my ear, “So I guess I have some competition with boys then?” And she gave me a kiss on my neck and I melted for her as the girls went ‘ahhhh’.

We seemed to chat for ages and look round some shops where I was able to get some more makeup and a couple of bras as I now knew I needed them and my mum was right before we headed back.

I realised that my clothes were already at home so no matter what I was walking indoors dressed as I was, but as Sarah said, at least now I have a full set of make up so I won’t need to borrow some of hers anymore.

We kissed each other on the cheek as we said goodbye outside my house as she walked on and I went in. I was a bit surprised that my mum and sister were home early but maybe not as surprised as they were in what I was wearing, so I explained about the day and the new bra (to which my sister said ‘well that explains the magnificent puppies you have now then’), meeting more kids from the school and then my sister looked in my little shopping bag with my makeup and asked if she could borrow my mascara.

My mum told her in no uncertain terms that ‘it’s bad to borrow makeup, I keep telling you that.’ And then I got an even bigger surprise as the front door opened and dad walked in. He looked at me and said, “Hi Andi, you look pretty. I saw you say goodbye to your new girlfriend is it? Anyway, you can tell me about it later as I hope you ladies are all ready?” And with that I learned we were going out to eat as dad was visiting for a couple of days before going back to the old house.

Walking out the house with my family and wearing a lot less clothes than they’ve seen me in for years felt a bit weird, but they just accepted me. I think I have a great family.