A Needed Change - Part Four

After demonstrating ‘the kiss’ to Steph, I hung around for a bit, chatting to her mostly while Rich just channel surfed, but we ended up painting each others nails with a nude polish and I absolutely loved it. It seemed to make my fingers look longer and I ended up staying the night, sleeping on a futon in a borrowed tee shirt and shorts.

It was a bit embarrassing in the morning as I woke up before them both and went to get a glass of water before going back to the spare room, sitting there scrolling through my phone until I heard voices. I was about to go outside when there was a gentle knock on the door and Rich opened it asking if I was decent. Of course I was, and he popped his head around the door and asked if I wanted coffee and breakfast and his eyes flicked down my body, stopping at a certain place.

“It’s the shorts, don’t worry.”

“Oh, no, I mean, that’s not what I’m looking at. I… Just come along when you’re ready.”

He closed the door and I stood up to check myself, and yes, I was still decent and my tuck was still secure so it really was the shorts and now it was back to the right amount of smoothness as I was standing. Anyway, I joined them in the kitchen and talked about the day ahead, and seeing that I was taking up time they could be spending together, I told them I was going to head home soon. I still needed to do housework and washing, and that’s what I did, but before I got changed Rich did at least look at me again and confirm it was just the shorts and nothing else.

The rest of the day I really did catch up on housework and all those dull things, but unlike before I decided to keep the skirt on that I wore out, but with the white bralet as I needed to remove my boobs anyway. It was exceptionally comfortable and I found myself wondering if it was a better choice than the sports vest I was going to wear to work tomorrow. But looking at myself in the mirror, the padding in it made my little boobs stand out a bit more than I would have liked, so maybe not. But I did think I looked cute.

Once everything was done and I settled down with some hot chocolate, I caught sight of my nails and wondered if I should remove the polish tonight, but I also couldn't be bothered to get up and deal with it, so added it to my list of things to do in the morning. I went into my bedroom, stripped off Becca, and closed the door till, well, I was going to say next weekend, but I did pause to look back hoping to open the door much sooner.

In the morning I got ready for work and in the shower I noticed my nails but decided to go with it and if anyone noticed, which I doubted as they were nude, I would just say I was at Steph’s and she did it. Thankfully she had kept the colour as well and no one said anything, or so I thought at least. Of course, a couple of the girls at work noticed but as Steph was wearing the same they asked her and she just brushed it off.

In the afternoon I got an unknown caller and when I answered they just said, “Is that B Stevens?” I was instantly on my guard but the world came crashing back down when they said the doctor would like to see me to go over my results. All my happy thoughts from the weekend seemed to fade away, as let’s face it, when the doctor wants to discuss your results it can’t be all good news. They fitted me in after work and although I wore a pink bralet with just jeans and tee shirt, I didn’t feel the most confident anymore.

But it wasn’t all bad, and the next day I gave Steph a lift home from work and told her all about it. I wanted to tell her sooner but I think I was just so relieved last night I wanted to relax, and there was no way I would discuss it in the office. I said, “Remember when I said I had to do that erection test?” She nodded. “Well, I haven’t had any while I sleep. And I got my doctors results yesterday after work.”

She took hold of my hand as I drove. I said, “It’s ok, it’s not bad, at least she doesn’t think so but I do have to see a specialist just to confirm the results. Anyway, I have quite low testosterone for a man, but at what would be called a mid to high level for a woman. I also have what would be low levels of oestrogen for a woman, but high for a man. And she thinks that’s why I look the way I do, and why that although I can get erections when I want them, I don’t get them any other time. Also, why I have little boobs.”

Steph said nothing, so I carried on, “That’s why I need to see the specialist, just to make sure there’s nothing wrong, and also talk about my options going forward. Oh, and you will love this, she thinks I should go and get a proper bra fitting to find out my size. She thinks I might be slightly bigger than a triple A and more like an A cup.”

After a short silence, she said, “What are you going to do?”

“Well, it’s going to get warm soon, so I will need to go shopping for some summer dresses, I was thinking tomorrow, are you free?”

She slapped my arm, telling me that I knew what she meant, but yes, of course she’s free for shopping, and we talked about my complete lack of summer clothes and the urgent need for at least five to get started. She added, “But what will you do about, well, your boobs?”

I took her hand and put it on one of them, asking if she thinks this will work for work and she told me there was a lot less bounce from them. But that evening at home, I did find myself looking at my boobs and wondering what I wanted to do. The doctor said I had a couple of options, and one of them meant that being able to be Becca would be gone for good, and the other just didn’t appeal to me. I mean, they might be small, but I really do like them, and although I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while, I can still use the bit I keep hiding when I want to, I just haven’t had the desire to use it recently. Unless you include the times I’ve been using my two silicone purchases, but that’s a different way to experience an erection.

Anyway, work the next day was the same as always, but Steph came straight back to mine and had left a small bag in my car so that she could change at mine. As it was a warm day, I needed to wear something a bit lighter than most of my wardrobe, and when she saw my limited choice of summer dresses, she hugged me and said, “Thank you for asking me to help today, I had no idea how urgent your need is.”

I pushed her back on the bed and told her I’m not that desperate to need her help shopping, I need her help to carry the bags!

Anyway, during the trip down to the garage I felt really exposed, and I hadn’t planned on glueing on the forms tonight, but as she pointed out, with this dress I have little choice as I needed to fill it out a bit. But with bare shoulders, arms and upper back, I felt, I don’t know if exposed is the right word, but it’s in the right area. Having my legs on show is nothing, I’ve worn shorts lots of times, but this almost felt like I was topless.

Still, shopping is always fun and I managed to pick up a few dresses, but couldn't get sized for a bra fitting thanks to the forms, but was determined to get that done tomorrow. But for now, sitting outside a restaurant with Steph and having a light meal I don’t mind saying that I was enjoying myself.

“Do you think I’m going too fast?”

She looked at me and sat back to think over her answer, “No, I don’t. I think this is how I’ve always seen you, and I was worried I might have been pushing you into it doing more than you wanted to, but seeing you here right now, I find it hard to think of you any other way. You look happier than I’ve ever seen, you look like you fit your skin now, and this is the you I’ve think you’ve always been.”

She paused to take a drink, adding, “Is that what you wanted to hear, or do you think you are rushing into this?”

I had to admit, it’s taken a while to get here and with what my sister told me, it’s not like this hasn’t always been part of me in some form, and Steph did say that she and others once thought I was just a tomboy or something, but maybe I am rushing too much. I said, “Sometimes, I feel like I’ve just fallen into it so easily. And I’m really surprised that I took so long to step outside. Maybe I should have spoken to someone sooner about it all. But I do feel a lot happier, I will admit that.”

She held my hand and said, “Just a shame you’re so ugly.”

I poked my tongue at her.

“Oh, that reminds me, I’m going to see the therapist on Friday after work, can I borrow this?”

I waggled my fingers at her, and she said, “No, we can go and buy your own seeing that you love it so much.”

So after eating, we went and picked up some nude nail polish and some new makeup pallets. As I was testing the colours, I thought to myself that I am definitely falling more into this, but there’s still the question about the sudden attraction to men, and even sitting here, both of us looking at some of the guys, enjoying the attention from them and maybe that’s the bit that’s I’m finding harder to get over. Still, plenty to talk about with the therapist on Friday.

On Thursday no one spotted my nails, so I refreshed them that night and on Friday still no one seemed to notice, and I took an early finish so I could go and get ready for the therapist appointment. I very much wanted to look feminine for this after going for a more androgynous look for the online meeting, but didn't have time to glue my forms on, so just went with a bralet under my jumper as I thought it went well with the skirt and boots.

I think I am getting better at matching clothes, but meeting someone who I’m literally paying to examine me by observation made me feel a bit nervous. But the session went very well and she’s had the report from my doctor and they’ve spoken about my hormonal results, but as always, you never really know as you sit there and talk.

I was hoping she would have some instant answers, but of course no, and I think I was a little annoyed there was no couch to lay on as I had practiced how to do that, but you can’t have everything.
One thing that did surprise me is I didn’t cry at any point, even talking about my fears with this, which seem to be focused more around the risk to my job and how I might hurt Steph, but the therapist kept saying I need to think about myself first. And so far, everything that I’ve told her are the things that are making me happy.

Once it finished I went to Victoria’s Secret's as I wanted to get a bra that fits me. I had to google what happens during one as I desperately didn’t want to look like I’ve never had a fitting before, and being half naked in a changing room with a woman was if not a new experience, a least not a sexual one. But long story short, I left there with ten bra’s, all with just a little padding to give me a bit of a lift, and yes, I am officially an A cup. Walking out I felt very perky, but I politely refrained from the offer of wearing the new undies to go with it, but I was looking forward to trying out the stockings and suspenders later.

Of course I wore them that evening, and it was all I wore even though I wasn't going out. Yes, I felt great, yes I ended up using a toy and the next day my legs were aching from riding it, but it was totally worth it. Whatever it was about the lingerie, it did more more than turn me on quite a lot. For a start, my unsightly but very wanted erection meant I needed to wash everything I was wearing. There was one thing I did when it got dark I just had to stand on my balcony in the lingerie set with my glass of wine. I know someone in a building opposite saw me, but they were far enough away for me not to worry about, well, the stains on my stockings, but I did enjoy standing with my back to them, knowing they were looking at my bum in a thong; I definitely waved it a bit for them. I don’t even know if it was a man or woman watching me, I just wanted to enjoy it, being seen.

The following day was a Saturday and I was meeting Steph to go shopping of course. She thought it was for a bra fitting, but I wanted to surprise her and wearing a new set of VS under my pink jumper dress made me feel, well, overconfident I think. The whole day I was strutting a bit, and Steph had to get changed before we left hers as she thought I was a little over dressed, but I was very much in the pink today and enjoying it.

Of course she suggested going to where her mum took her for her first fitting, but I pretended to be a bit embarrassed and asked her to do it for me instead. Armed with a handful of bras, we went into a cubicle and I took my dress off over my head, and she was looking at me in VS and a smile.

Her eyebrows hit the ceiling and she smacked me on the bum, telling me off for not including her, so we abandoned Marks and Spencers and went off to look at loads of clothes and shoes we had no intention of buying.

I love shopping!

When we stopped for lunch, I updated her on what the therapist had said about it being too early to be able tell where I am on the spectrum of being a crossdresser, trans or maybe gender fluid.

“There was one thing she was very clear about though. I’m not hurting anyone and I’m enjoying it, so there’s no reason to feel bad about it.”

Steph said, “You are enjoying it, and I love that I get to enjoy it with you, you look so natural. But what about the other thing though?”

I must have looked confused, so she said, “You know, men.”

“Oh, that, well, we haven’t talked about that side yet but she knows I have a new interest in them. She said maybe it’s like what you said, I’m just experimenting with this and maybe I’m mentally experimenting with my sexuality, and she said I might be trying to follow the social norms of femininity, so she wants to wait and find out more about one thing, before we delve deeper into it.”

Steph took a drink, and asked me if that means I’m going to put a hold on any opportunities that might arrive, if for example I hook up with a guy when we go out tonight. I said, “You know, I asked her that, should I refrain for it, but she said there was no obvious reason not to, so long as I feel comfortable and safe about it.”

Steph took a drink and said, “Well, shall we try and get you laid tonight then.”

She timed it perfectly, I had just taken a sip and it shot out of my nose!

I didn’t hook up with a guy, and we did go out that evening but it was just a few drinks and a laugh in a load of bars. Yes, I did flirt when I was chatted up, but I didn't get a single kiss on the cheek or give one either. It was just two girls out for some safe fun. I did ask Steph if spending so much time with me was taking her away from her friends, but she told me not to worry. “I’ve told them I’m spending time with a friend from work who needs me right now. But you will meet them when I think you’re ready, and then you had better hold on to your panties for a proper girls night, as I guarantee if we don’t get in a lot of trouble, we will make sure someone does!”

That really does sound like a lot of fun.

One thing that was kinda funny, when we got a cab to go home, I made sure she was dropped off first as I was a bit concerned about the driver and the way he kept checking us out. I didn’t want to leave her with him. Sure, if he attacked me there wasn’t much I could do in these heels if I needed to run, but maybe it was some lingering masculinity making me need to do it, but there weren’t any problems thankfully.

I woke up late on Sunday and only had to do some of the usual housework, but in the afternoon when I was trying to build up a little enthusiasm to empty the dishwasher, I got a text from Steph saying she was going to pop round if I was in. And that got me up and moving once again, doing the last bits I needed to sort while I waited for the buzzer, trying to work out the best time to put the kettle on and time it perfectly. In the end, I jumped the gun and started before she hit the buzzer, but when she stepped into my flat, I was standing there holding a ready made cup of tea for her.

“Ah, you read my mind!”

Taking the cup from me we walked into the living room, taking a seat. I thought she was just passing and dropped in for a cuppa, and while we chatted away about this and that, I got the idea there was something on her mind and it was probably about me. I didn’t want to push her, but I did hope she thought I might be ready to meet her friends and she wanted to talk about what we would tell them about me. Turns out I was quite wrong about everything. She said, “Did I ever tell you how I lost my virginity?”

I shook my head, wondering where this might be going, and she carried on. “Ok, well, I used to be a little, well, no. I wasn’t over weight, but I carried my baby fat for a while and had braces. So, that meant I didn’t have a boyfriend when all my friends were getting them and started having sex. Can you believe I actually sprained my wrist! And do you know how horrible it is admitting to the doctor how it happened and for them to say you’ve been masturbating too much?”

She paused to take a sip of tea, but other than giving her hand a squeeze, I said nothing. It felt like to me she needed to say these things as I had confessed so much to her and she was telling me things in return, almost as if she was trying to generate some extra levels of trust in me. But I didn’t understand why, it’s not like I’m going to share any of this even if she did share my secret with others.

“So, I was a bit frustrated, and I told a friend about it. Not about how I wanted a boyfriend, everyone knew that, but about how I was, well, horny as fuck! I mean, I was a teenager, you know what’s that like. But she was worried I might do something stupid in trying to get laid. There was a creepy guy who worked in this shop we used to go in all the time, always extra friendly with all the girls, and she wanted me to be safe.

She gave me a slightly embarrassed look, “Only three people know this, four now with you, but she lent me her boyfriend. I don’t know how he really felt about it, I didn’t care to be honest, but I got laid and I guess he was happy to be given a free pass. I won’t say it was a great experience for me. I was a teenager and had no idea what I liked and he didn’t really know what he was doing either. He got the job done for himself of course, but for me I had finally done it and was able to avoid making a terrible mistake.”

She took hold of my hand now, and I had no idea what mistake she thought I might make. “I saw a bit of that look on you face last night looking at a couple of guys, you were wondering what it would feel like to be with them that way, and I understand, I really do. So I have a proposal.”

I was hoping she wasn’t going to say it, but she did, “So I’m going to pass it on.”

My face must have been a picture as her face instantly understood where I was going, I mean yes, we had talked about my crush on her boyfriend, but I had no intention of going there. She’s my friend!

She jumped in quickly, “No, no, no, I don’t mean like that. What I mean is I think you need to try some dates with someone you can trust. I know you have a little crush on him so it should be a bit easier for you - I had no interest in my first guy, and I think that ruined it really - but this way you get to test the dating waters safely.”

I had no idea what to say and was trying to think it over. I mean, we had kissed, I had pressed against his erection at the time, but dating my best friends boyfriend?

“All I’m talking about is going to the cinema, the pub, maybe a restaurant for birthdays, or just for a meal. That kind of thing. It’s a safe way to see how you really feel about men, and you can have a Friday night date each week with him.”

I said, “This is a lot to take in, and I’m not saying yes, but what if someone sees us and thinks he’s cheating on you? I would hate to cause either of you problems.”

She told me to stop worrying, if anyone sees you both, you can both be honest and you are both of our friends, so there’s no secret to worry about. I was about to say something, but she beat me to it. “And you’ve both already kissed, so unless they see you both doing that in public, I don’t really see a problem here. You need this, I’m worried about you getting hurt if some of those urges take control, and at least with Rich he will look after you if you do kiss.”

I sat there quietly thinking about it, I mean, yes, I’ve dreamt about this over the last few months and my little crush on him will allow me to be a little more touchy with someone who knows all about me. All those guys, well, those couple of guys I’ve flirted with, although they were touching my arms or occasionally the small of my back, I hadn’t really touched them the same way. I was about to ask Steph a question, but she told me that she’s already discussed it with him and he’s ok with it, he understand the boundaries of the date nights, and I can think about it and tell her later this week.

I was about to say something, but she stopped me, saying I must think about it, but I giggled and said that’s what I was going to say.

After that we just chatted about things, ok, we chatted about fashion and reality TV, but I refused to get dragged into watching any soaps. But all the time I had the thought of a Friday night date percolating in my brain, weighing up the pros and cons to try and help to make a decision and it still not being any clearer to me.

Steph needed to go home as Rich was cooking a meal for her, and as I walked her to the door I asked her once again if she really wanted to do this for me. It seems like such a big thing to do, and that I’ve been thinking about if I should do it or not ever since she made the offer. She looked at me with a shit eating grin and said, “I will tell him to pick you up at seven on Friday.”