A Needed Change - Part three

Monday at work wasn’t the first time I felt a little weird after everything had seemed to ramp up for me, but I was definitely distracted and this time it had nothing to do with being in, well, clothes that were starting to feel less natural to me. At the end of the day when I gave Steph a lift home, she told me I should probably make a doctors appointment as it’s clearly on my mind, and assign as I had changed into my sweats, I gave them a call.

I told Steph first thing in the morning that I was taking a half day on Thursday to go to the doctors, still surprised at how quickly I managed to get in to see them. But on the way home, she told me that as soon as I got home I was to get changed into something I wanted to wear to help me feel better, not telling me directly to become Becca for the evening, but it was kinda implied, and then to come back to hers. I would have done it anyway, but it gave me a reason to wear something other than lounging about clothes.

Opting for a pair of jeans and v neck tee shirt, I jumped in my car and went back, only to be told the moment I arrived we were heading out for a bit, but I wanted to hang back as Rich was watching the Lionesses play, and there was no way I was missing that. I’m not a big football fan, but if there is one team I support it’s them and I wanted to watch as I thought this was why I was invited round. Sitting in their living room, cheering the girls on and Steph was getting annoyed at us. Once they won, of course, what other result could their be for them, it not like they’re New Zealand, Steph insisted we head out to a bar.

She was distracting me from any possible health issues for sure, and Rich was fun to hang around with as well. I got to look at him in a very different light, sure, he’s still hot and my BFF’s boyfriend, but his also great to hang out with and really good at making me laugh and Steph laugh. The three of us played some pool, we had some cheesy fries, we laughed and she completely made me forget about the doctors. And as an added bonus, when we said goodnight, not only did she kiss my cheek, so did he, making me blush to my roots and Steph mimed something to me behind his back.

But one thing she made very clear is that if we want to watch the Lionesses on Saturday it would have to be elsewhere, and we agreed to find a bar somewhere showing the game.

The next day at work I was back to being Beck and things felt more normal, the night out instead of sitting there stewing it over helped, but in the evening I did find myself thinking about it again. I mean, the food surely didn’t give me tiny boobs, that’s just not really likely so it was hard not to think about it and other possible outcomes. But, well, lets face it, I’ve been feeling them and examining them since they were pointed out to me and other than feeling squishy, there was nothing else I could feel there.

But on Thursday, I slipped out the office with Steph giving me a hug and a hand squeeze before I left. I don’t think I was that worried, but it’s clearly been on my mind and I had a few questions for the doc that auntie google wasn’t able to answer satisfactory. I had plenty of time once I got home so jumped in the shower and automatically started checking for any stubble or fuzz that I needed to remove, running a razor over a few places, and decided to make sure my face was still hair free.

Looking for clothes I went into my bedroom and started searching for lingerie, picking out my favourite pink set and rather than glueing my breast forms on, just stuck them in the bra. Looking for clothes, I went for a pair of jeans and a white hoody as it wasn’t that warm and started filling my bag and adding some light makeup and lipstick that was more red than pink to my face. In the lift heading down to the garage for my car, I looked at myself in the mirror and my hair was a mess, so I pulled a scrunchy out of my bag and tied it back.

Once I parked nearby, I started walking to the doctors and caught sight of myself in a shop window and stopped dead.

Why was I going to the doctors where according to my records I’m a man, and I chose to dress in a way that screams woman. I mean, I might not of glued my forms in place, but I still have them in my pink bra! It was too late now, and I have to live with my decision. The receptionist didn’t even blink when I gave my name and she looked at my records, telling me to take a seat and all that was left was waiting.

When it was finally my turn to go in, I was trying to think of the last time I saw the doctor. It must have been soon after I first registered with them when they gave me a check up, but since then I’ve been fit and healthy and never needed to be there. I’m not even sure what my doctors name is.

Walking into their office, I was kinda relieved that they were a woman, and she offered me a seat as they looked at my records on the monitor, and turned to me.

“Hi Miss Stevens, how can I help? I see you’ve said you have a growth that needs checking, is that right?”

“Um, well kinda, but I should say I’m not actually a miss, it’s Mr Stevens.”

There was only the tiniest moment of surprise on her face as she looked me over very quickly and turned back to the monitor to look at my records. She did some taping on the keyboard, turned back to me and said, “Whatever you want to tell me, I’m here for you.”

And all the worries I had flowed out of me and more.

Heading home I felt a lot better, but still, there were some other things to worry about. As I got in the lift my phone vibrated and I had a text from Steph telling me she saw me get home and to open the door and let her in. Detouring to the lobby to open it for her, she rushed in to hug me and without saying a word we got in the lift. Once inside she pointed me to the sofa, held up a wine bottle but I shook my head so she put the kettle on and made tea for us both. Once we were both seated she said, “So how did it go?”

I rolled up my sleeve and showed her the plaster from my blood tests, explaining what happened.

“It was good actually. She asked me a lot of questions, I mean, I could hardly avoid them seeing how I was dressed.”

I told how the doctor listened as I talked all about the last six months where I started dressing, even about what happened when I used to dress as a kid, how I recently started going out, how great Steph is and how supportive my family are being and so on.

“I think I was only meant to have a ten minute appointment but I was in there at least half an hour but I lost track of time, and when I cried she even helped held the mirror for me as I repaired my makeup. And that was when she asked me to undress so she could examine me.”

I looked at Steph and told her I was wearing pink lingerie. “She complimented me on it, saying as well that I had a nice figure and didn’t even bat an eyelid as I took the breast forms out before I took my bra off. She checked me over, measuring me and comparing me to measurements taken when I had a check up, I don’t even remember them measuring me there, but it seems I don’t have to worry about the foods I’ve been eating giving me boobs, I’ve had them for a while.”

Steph told me she thought that was the case but when she saw me topless for the first time she was just surprised and is sorry for scaring me so much. I turned and asked, “Wait, you knew I already had them?”

Turns out that sometimes she could see my nipples through my shirt at work, mainly when I used to look at her or other women, sometimes when I get cold, but very recently she’s only noticed it when we talk about her boyfriend. I closed my eyes and covered my face in embarrassment, I can’t believe my nipples have got hard like that and now I need to think about what to wear at work to hide it when it happens. At least she said that she didn’t think anyone else had noticed it.

Anyway, once I had got over that horrific thought, I told her about how the doctor thought I was woman when I walked in, and when she saw my figure she had a lot of questions all about that and having a small waist and wider hips, not being particularly hairy and being able to look feminine so easily.

I carried on, “And then she asked me about having erections, can I get them. What made that horrible is she was examining it at the time and I was desperately trying to keep my mind elsewhere. I mean, yes I can get them, I’ve never had a problem, but she asked me if I ever get unwanted ones.”

Steph was about to say something, but stopped herself, so I told her she can ask it. “Do you get them?”

I said, “No, not really, or at least I don’t think so. Now I have to wear something at night around it to check if I do, which is just an awful idea, but as she said, I don’t appear to have an obvious gender dysphoria, so I might just like looking like this, but she wanted to run some tests to see if I have any hormone problems that need to be fixed. I should find out in a week or so and I will have to go back. But at least she didn’t find anything bad, and funnily enough if the receptionist hadn’t misheard me when I said ‘I have some growth on my chest’ and thought I said ‘breast’, I wouldn’t have got such a quick appointment.”

Steph leaned over to hug me, telling me that no matter what she will be there for me. She went quiet for a moment and I could see she was thinking about something to say, but I didn’t want to push her into saying it this time, I might not want to hear what the question is. She said, “One question though, why did you dress like that?”

I smiled at her, and said, “She asked as well, and do you know what, I don’t know, I just got changed when I got home and only realised what I did just before I got there. She said that perhaps I should speak to someone about it. Want to help me find a therapist?”

Now that she had something to do rather than just be a supportive friend, Steph leapt into action, grabbing my laptop and making me turn it on and we started searching. I told how the doctor said that the way the tories are attacking the NHS and gender services thanks to all the TERFs, if I can afford it I should see if I can go private. I then had to explain what a TERF is to her as somehow those nasty people had missed her radar, and she was so furious I think I loved her even more then.

Anyway, we found one and I was able to book an online appointment for Saturday morning, a good thing as I was going to be watching the Lionesses with Richard in the evening somewhere and I still needed to do some shopping for that.

Steph stayed and I cooked her some food, joking that my food won’t make her boobs bigger, but it was nice she was there and I wanted to thank her in some way. Which is why the next day at work, she got a call to head down to the front desk to pick up some flowers. She read the card once she was back at her desk, and of course the other women in the office wanted to know what it said and were telling her how lucky her boyfriend is, and I took the excuse to go and get myself a coffee. Once there I turned around and Steph looked up at me holding the card as the women walked away, mouthing ‘thank you Becca’. I blew her a kiss, and then quickly looked about as I remembered where I was, but I don’t think anyone saw me.

I was Becca in that moment.

When I got home I was glad a couple of things I had ordered from amazon had arrived, some of them for next week to help hide any unwanted nipple action, something for the Lionesses game, and a set of bralets. I wanted to be able to be comfortable when I was home, and the doctor did suggest I get something like it so that if I’m not wearing my forms I will get some support. But I was glueing them on for the weekend as I would need them for going out to watch the game, so it made sense to get started on now before I got a cab to Steph’s.

We weren’t going out, out, just out for a couple of drinks. I think she wanted to keep me distracted before my therapist appointment tomorrow, but that was going to be a remote one rather than needing to go there this time. They do offer both options, but as it was a Saturday I still needed to do things first. But tonight was to be a simple night out, not a busy bar so we weren’t hassled by drunk men, but we got enough looks from those there and I was used to it by now anyway.

The following morning I woke up later than I meant to and needed to go shopping, so once again I was in a hoody and it was busier in supermarket than I expected, so I needed to rush home to be ready for the call on Skype.

I was sitting there trying to get my hair looking a bit better, when my laptop started ringing and I turned and hit answer. And there was my new therapist, who once they confirmed it was me, we chatted about the process and what we both can expect from it. Fifty minutes later we were signing off, making me wonder why I paid for an hour, but saying that we would explore more about how I feel about the whole thing, and hopefully find out if I was a crossdresser (duh), trans or gender fluid.

I had a lot to think about that day, I mean, I had been looking for answers over the last six months plus, but still never found anything that I felt fitted me. She assured me that no matter what will we get the right answers, and that if needed, she will work with my doctor once the results have come back.

Anyway, with nothing else left to do for the day, I decided to make myself look pretty for the game tonight. Of course we talked about my crush on Rich, but it wasn’t connected to my current preference in clothing (her words), or at least she didn’t think so.

Still, it was on my mind that tonight I would be going to a pub with him and without Steph, and part of me couldn't help think this might have been her idea when she suggested we watch the game elsewhere. While I was in the bath relaxing, I wondered where we would go, or even if I should go there but I got a text from an unknown number asking to pick him up at half six. Followed by another text saying, ‘Steph told me to say it’s Rich btw’. I found myself smiling as I added the number to my contacts and started to send the thumbs up emoji, but then changed my mind. What would be the best one to send back, and instead sent an England flag, a football and a beer glass.

I laid back in the bath and smiled, slowly sinking in the water when it occurred to me I was going to be driving, not him. Bastard! I won’t be able to drink more than one!

Driving over there I felt a bit self conscious, I mean, he’s seen me in a short skirt before but I couldn’t remember if I had ever seen another woman watching the game dressed like this. Still, I sent a text when I arrived and he came out in an England shirt, so at least I wouldn't be the only one. He got in and the first thing he said is, “So where are we going?”

I looked at him and my mouth fell open, I can’t believe he expects me to organise this, and I got in a bit of a huff. We headed out to a bar that we knew showed the men’s game, and as soon as we got in he headed to the toilets and left me at the bar to order the drinks. I was definitely a bit miffed, I mean, ok, I might have built it up a bit in my head as being some kind of date, but still, he’s the man in this situation even we do have the same physiology.

I waited for him to come back, and he slowed down when he looked at me and I think for the first time it registered what I was wearing as he looked me up and down. I handed him the drink and then gave him some bad news.

“So yes, they are showing football tonight, but not the England game, just some boring men’s game.”

He looked at the screens, and for a second I think he was going to suggest staying to watch that instead, but I folded my arms in the universal sign language of a woman not impressed, and he got it. He suggested we finish this one, then try another bar. I put my unfinished drink on the bar and said, “Seeing that I’m driving, I’m ready.”

He looked at the bottle of beer in his hand, wondering what to do, and tried to drink it as quick as he could, but before he finished I walked to the door making him follow me.

The next bar wasn’t showing any football tonight, and now I wasn’t very happy at all, but he did buy me a drink and I made him get one of those alcoholic fruit drinks for me just to punish him. We sat down at a table and he apologised profusely.

I made him suffer for as long as I could, but then told him it was ok, it’s not his fault, neither of us checked where it was being shown, and I put my hand on his leg to reassure him. He did flinch a little, but didn’t try to move my hand away and I was near his knee, so it’s not like I was coming on to him. No mater what Steph said, he is my best friends boyfriend.

He took his phone out and said he would ask if we could watch it at his, but I stopped him. Steph really doesn’t like football and it’s unfair on her, so I said we can go back to mine and then he can get a taxi home. The drive back was a bit quiet, but I don’t think there was any frisson in the air, more that we were both aware it was near to kick off and we didn’t want to miss it.

After we parked, I pressed the button for the lift but it seemed to take forever and kick off was only minutes away. I turned to him and asked, “You can run up eight floor, right?” He nodded and I said follow me and started running. I ran to the door to the stairs and started running up with him close behind. I looked back at him and started to laugh, we looked ridiculous but he started laughing as well and we burst into my flat in a fit of giggles and breathing hard as I raced to turn the TV on and jumped onto the sofa together.

The game was great, I mean, they always are and keep getting better. This game they scored twice in the first half and finally I was able to run to toilet while he went to get a drink from my fridge. Sitting back down, he complained that all I had was wine and that feels weird for watching football, so he was stuck with a diet coke.

The second half started, and they scored again, the most incredible goal by Bronze, and we leapt to our feet to celebrate, jumping into each others arms and we kissed in the moment.

Yes, we kissed.

My mind was in turmoil, but it was no different to what was happening in the stands as the camera played around the crowds, no different to what happens when groups of men celebrate goals.

But we did kiss, and it was playing on my mind and I was trying to sneak looks at him, but I don’t think it made any difference to him at all, it was just a goal celebration. And then they scored again and once again we jumped up to celebrate and we hugged and we kissed again.

And now I’m confused, trying to watch the game and replaying the kisses in my head, working out where his hands were, where I placed mine and there is no doubt that I was the girl in the kiss. I tried to put it out of my mind, but then the other team scored and it got tense. I don’t know why, the Lionesses were already 4-1 up, but in football you never really know what might happen, especially when the losing the team is attacking all the time and getting shots on goal, and with Earps guarding the net, you know it’s going to be ok. But you worry, and then the final whistle blew and we leapt up again and hugged each other as we jumped and danced.

And we kissed again, a celebration kiss. And then we stood there holding each other, with me looking up into his eyes, and I leant in and tilted my head and he leant in and we kissed again. We had stopped jumping and dancing, and I opened my mouth slightly, and felt his tongue gently on my lips, so I played with it with my tongue. And then we kissed fully, passionately and with intent.

I could feel him reacting to the kiss as his erection pressed against me, So I put a stop to it, gently parting from him and resting my head on his chest.

“We can’t do this.” I said.

I felt him nod, but he still held me, and I could still feel him pressing against me. I desperately wanted to feel it, but I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t do anything to hurt Steph, and I also promised her I would tell her if something did happen, knowing that even if it did hurt her, I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

I slowly let go of him and stepped back, trying not to look down but also not able to stop myself. When I looked back up he was looking at me and smiling, and said, “You know, it was really brave of you to run up those stairs ahead of me in a thong.”

I laughed, and told him to calm down, I would drive him home. He kept saying it was ok, he would get a cab, but I said, “No, I promised Steph I would say if something happened, even though she said it was ok if it did.”

His eyes went wide at that, and I carried on, “Yes, she said that and she’s my best friend and even though she said I could, well, experiment shall we say, this is still all new to me and she’s been so great I need to be honest with her.”

I don’t think he felt the same way. He wasn’t embarrassed, more that he was worried about his relationship considering he kissed another woman. And it’s funny that even at this point I was thinking of myself as a woman when I’m Becca. Still, it was a very awkward drive to theirs, and when I walked in behind him, Steph was sitting there curled up with a glass of wine, she looked at me and what I was wearing and I have never felt so, well, slutty and ashamed of myself. Maybe I was trying to make something happen, but then I never expected us to be at mine and not in a pub where I don’t think we would have kissed.

She must have known something happened as a sly smile came over her face for a second then went blank again. I told her I had something to tell her as I promised I would, and explained that when the Lionesses scored and we celebrated we kissed.

She nodded but said nothing, and I felt even more sorry for Rich, I mean, yes, she had told me that so long as none of us gets hurt, but he wasn’t part of that agreement and kissing me might have destroyed what he has.

“How many times?”

I knew what she meant, so I told her three times, twice when they scored and then again when the game finished. She was silent.

“In celebration?”

He was quicker this time, saying yes, it was just a celebration kiss, but Steph looked at me and I knew I had to say it. “And then we kissed a bit more.”

I felt Rich move away from me, trying to get some distance and move closer to Steph, clearly feeling that he might not be out of the doghouse, but being further away from the where the problem is might be a good idea. But he stopped when Steph stood up, folder her arms and he knew he was in trouble.

“Show me.”

Rich started talking instantly trying to say sorry and it won’t happen again and how much he regrets it and it was the moment of celebration, but she held up her hand to stop him talking and repeated ‘show me.’

He was in trouble now, but I looked at Steph and for a second I saw a glint in her eye, a really subtle blink and you’ll miss it nod telling me at least it was ok. I looked at Rich and said, “Look, we’ve done it once, we can do it again and I want to be honest about this and it’s only fair.”

He tried to say no, he wouldn't do that to her but she just looked at him with a blank face and I grabbed him, put my arms up over his shoulders and pulled his head down and kissed him on the lips. I said, “That’s what the first kiss was like.”

I repeated the kiss and this time I felt him do the same, clearly trying to show her it was just an in the moment thing when they scored. And I told her that was the second kiss. This time he moved with me and repeated the celebration kiss, but I held him closer as I said to Steph, “And that’s how the third kiss started.”

And I pulled him towards me, I was kissing him and slowly, he started to join in with the kiss, sensing he had no choice at this moment and we kissed if not with passion, at least acting out the passion we showed each other earlier. I didn’t feel anything pressing against me, so I pressed myself against it, trying to get a reaction from it and maybe being a little pornographic about it, but we stopped kissing and I laid my head on his chest again.

“And this is when I said we needed to stop.”

I looked across at Steph and could feel the tension in Rich, scared about losing the woman he loves for a silly moment.

Steph said, “I’ll allow it.”

I felt his head snap around to look at her and I felt something of his move again.

I kept contact with it, it felt nice.