Chapter 8 - Ursuline Academy

"And to what do we owe the pleasure of your company this morning, Annie?" asked Dad at breakfast.

"Why Dad, isn't my presence always a pleasure?"

"I refuse to answer because I might have to tell the truth."

"Chip, be nice to your daughter."

"He's never nice to me," grumped Kate.

"I guess that means you don't want a lift to the mall?" snarked Dad.

"I'll just have my boyfriend take me."

"Joanna! Where's my baseball bat?"

"I used it to train the grape vines in the back yard. Don't worry, her boyfriend can't drive yet."

"But his parents can. You're obsolete, Daddy."

"If you don't have to drive Kate to the mall, could you take me over to Aileen's place?" I asked.

"Do I have to bring you back?

I could always spend the night with Aileen."

"I think that may be stretching the 'Annie' persona a bit too far."

"Farther than going to Ursuline next semester?"

"I do need to decide soon, Dad. Aileen goes there and says it's a great school. That's why I'm going to her place, she's going to take me to see a play there this afternoon. I'll get to meet a lot of the kids and see what the place is like."

"Doctor Phil says if Annie is determined to live as a girl that he thinks it would be worth trying," Mom said.

"That's a big step, Annie. Maybe we need to have a family visit to both the school and Doctor Phil."

"Way ahead of you there, sweetie," Mom grinned. Doctor Phil on Tuesday and a formal visit to the school on Thursday."

"When did all this happen?"

"Yesterday. You got home so late yesterday that you weren't coherent enough to talk about it."

"I guess that's true enough. Why do customers always have emergencies at closing time on Friday?"

"Ask Mr Murphy."

"I have far too much to do with that character already. I don't intend to seek him out."

"I knew I married a wise man."

"So Kate's bopping around the mall and Annie is getting cultured at Ursuline. What are you doing today, Sam?"

"I dunno. Can I play on the computer if no one else is home to use it?"

"How about you help me pick out a new computer at the store. This family is in need of more computing power."

"Cool. Can we get a Nintendo?"

"A computer, Sam, not a game system. Maybe if you beg hard enough we might get a game or two to run on the new computer."

"Sam jumped up and started kissing Dad's feet. "Please, please, please, Pppllleeeaaassseee, Daddy!"

There are hazards to living in a family of actors.

"After you shine my shoes, your drool has ruined the polish."

"They're sneakers, Chip," Mom deadpanned.

"Then he'll have to try real hard to get them polished."

"Even if you get a new game, the time limits still apply. For all of you."

"Mooommm!" That was Kate.

"Mooommm!" That was Sam.

"Mooommm!" That was me.

"Tough! Annie, Would you give Aileen a call so I can talk to her mother? I think I would like to go with you if that's OK with them."

"Mooommm!"

 

"I appreciate you being willing to take me along at short notice, Rosheen."

"Nonsense! Annie is a sweetheart and Aileen seems to have adopted her as her new sister. I'm glad for the chance to get to know you as well."

"Sorry, we already adopted her first. We can share though?"

"Oh! I didn't realize."

"No big deal, It's an old story. We adopted her and her sister Kate because I couldn't get pregnant, then along came Sam out of the blue."

"Isn't that always the way?"

"Children are full of surprises. Annie seems to have fallen in love with Irish dancing. Now that's something we didn't expect."

"Aileen tells me that your whole family are actors."

"We certainly are. Chip and I both fell in love with acting in high school. Not only was acting fun, but there are lots of places backstage to get a little necking in."

"You're bad!"

"We prefer creative."

"Obviously. And what happens when Annie reaches the creative age?"

"If she does it right we'll never know she did it."

"Until you become a grandmother."

"Then she didn't do it right."

"You're bad!"

"Just creative."

"And not procreative, I hope."

"After Sam we made sure. No more surprises. Three is enough for us."

"I suppose we don't have to worry quite yet, Aileen is the oldest and boys are still yucky."

"Our oldest definitely doesn't consider boys yucky. In fact, Chip was threatening baseball bats just this morning."

"We may need to borrow it in a couple of years if Aileen keeps growing up as pretty as she is already."

"Even at an all girl's school?"

"I sometimes wonder if even a cloister would be effective. The Ursuline Academy is not without it's premature mothers."

"I suppose that's true of any school. Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. We've made sure Kate knows what's what even if she was scandalized that we could even think that she could do something like that! Teenage hormones are awfully unpredictable."

"Or too predictable. The Irish Catholic side of the family is scandalized by modern morality. There are things we don't talk about with Grandmother Ashling."

"Isn't that the way. There are a couple of Baptists lurking in the branches of my family tree. At least we don't have to worry about relatives with Annie since she's the last of her line. I'm so glad we were able to talk with her great aunt before she passed on, at least we can give her some connection to her birth family. They were all lost in a skiing accident.

"That's terrible!"

"I'm glad we got Annie while she was too young to understand. She's growing up to be a fine person, if I do say so myself."

"I'm glad she and Aileen became friends. They're developing a real bond. The two of them are thick as thieves. Listening at the bedroom door was interesting - I think I had the same conversation with my girlfriends at that age, although I think I was starting to notice boys a little earlier than Aileen."

"I'll be just as happy to wait a while, I already have one teenage girl going boy crazy."

 

By now you may be wondering how I could have known what Mom and Aunt Rosheen talked about while Aileen and I were running around the school. The answer is simple: years later, when I was old enough to understand what they were talking about, they both reminisced about that first meeting while I listened. I admit I probably punched up the dialogue a bit as I wrote it, but they both assure me that I've captured the essence.

While they were talking, Aileen was giving me a tour of the school. I was impressed. Since all the classroom doors had windows, I was able to see what was inside them. This was undoubtedly a rich girl's school. They had lots of computers, lots of cool stuff that I hadn't a clue what it was for, and the lunchroom looked like a restaurant. Aileen said the food was actually good there. That alone made me think twice about attending the place.

I knew Mom would like a lot of the older buildings there, her historical preservation instincts would be running at full speed. Even the old buildings were very nice; the new ones were cool, especially the gym - it was huge and even had exercise equipment.

It was getting close to the time of the show, so we headed for the auditorium. I was kind of thinking of an auditorium like we had in our school, an old gym that had a stage and folding chairs.

Nope!

I walked in and the auditorium was a real theater! That did it - I was going to go to this school and would be perfectly happy to wear a skirt to do it. We found our parents and settled into our seats, but I think I about wore Mom's ear off in my enthusiasm. The only thing that shut me up was when the play started.

The play was pretty good, too. I really wanted to be part of this school if the students did things like that.

 

When we got back home I talked Dad's ear off, too. My enthusiasm knew no bounds, I wanted to go to that school. Dad managed to calm me down - Mom had tried and failed - and I reluctantly agreed to wait to take the school tour before we decided anything.

I have to wonder how my parents coped with me. An enthusiastic eleven-year-old is bad enough, an enthusiastic eleven-year-old actor had to be overwhelming. Even seeing the new computer that Dad and Sam brought home only slowed me a little as I told them about all the computers in Ursuline. I did slow down enough to send an e-mail to Aileen to thank her and her mother for taking us to the play, but I didn't change my clothes until I was forced to go to bed. I really wanted to be Annie and hang out with my new best friend, Aileen.

Somehow when I woke up Sunday morning I just automatically took Annie's clothes from the closet and put them on. I got a knowing smile from Mom and a sardonic smile from Dad. Kate just stuck her tongue out at me and Sam held his nose. Other than that, it was just another Sunday around the Loesser homestead. There were still fights about who got to use the computers, even with two of them available. Somehow Annie forgot all about being a lady when she wanted her turn at the computer.

When it got to be bedtime, I didn't want to take off my dress. Mom came in to my bedroom while I was looking at myself in the mirror.

"Like what you see, Annie?" she asked.

"Yeah. Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Would you guys be mad if I did decide I wanted to be a girl?"

"Whoah! Deep questions for a Sunday night. No, we wouldn't be upset but we might be concerned. We can see how happy you have been since you started playing Annie and we don't think you're really playing a role any more. Am I right."

"Yeah. I like being Annie. I think I'd like going to Ursuline and being a girl all the time. But…"

"There is always that but, isn't there?"

"It's not like I hate being a boy, but being a girl - I don't know - feels better somehow."

"You know what, Annie? I'm glad you're confused."

"Huh?"

"Honey, this is a big deal for someone your age. It could be very hard to change your life so much, but on the other hand - maybe you've already changed enough that it is the best thing to do. That's why you need to talk to Doctor Phil some more."

"OK."

"You don't have to decide all at once, you know. There's plenty of time to think this through."

"I guess you're right. I love you, Mom."

"And I love you, whether you're Annie or Danny. Now off to bed - school tomorrow."

 

Monday at school was difficult. My regular school was a pretty good school. Contrary to the stereotype, I enjoyed school, but after seeing Ursuline my regular school seemed dull. It wasn't until gym class in the afternoon that I snapped out of it. I suppose vestiges of Annie were keeping me from turning back into Danny. The usual locker room chatter and some hard running finally brought me back to where I had been.

On the other hand, I couldn't help but compare it to dance classes with the other girls. Sure, I didn't get dressed in a girl's locker room, but exercise is exercise. We had a couple of eleven-year-old macho jerks in gym, I had a couple of budding bitches in dance class, but overall the atmosphere was much nicer among the girls.

Cooperative vs. Competitive? Maybe, but there was certainly some of each in both places. I think it was more the boys wanted to stand out as individuals more than the girls. You can get away with being a "star" in a sports team, but if there is a "star" in a dance troupe when you're supposed to be all doing the same thing it just doesn't work. In Irish group dancing the emphasis is on the group, the patterns as you move. If you want to be a dance star you need to be doing solo routines - there's plenty of competition in that area.

I was starting to wonder if I had one of those split personalities that daytime TV and such love to talk about. I asked Dr Phil about that when Danny saw him on Tuesday and he just laughed, assuring me that I had nothing to worry about. Everybody had both female and male traits, as least as defined by their particular society, and I had plenty of time to find out just where my balance would end up. I was really starting to like Doctor Phil now that I knew he wasn't going to be giving me any shots.

So we talked about what I liked about being Danny and school and the theatre and just about everything. He was interested in me going to Ursuline on Thursday and we agreed to talk about it next time.

Darned if he didn't give me some homework. He asked me to make a list of the things I liked about being a girl and another list of things I liked about being a boy. Then he wanted me to make another list of the things I liked about my school and another list of the things I liked about Ursuline once I had been there. That sounded like a lot of lists, but then I figured I could claim the new computer for quite a while while I made my lists.

Mom smiled when I came out and asked how it went but didn't press for details. Mom and Dad were wise enough to know that children had private thoughts and feelings that should be respected.

 

I have to think that the people at Ursuline were serious about education, they scheduled our visit so that I wasn't able to get any time off my regular school. Darn! Dad picked me up and we went home for me to change, leaving Kate to watch Sam while we went out. Kate wasn't thrilled and Sam protested loudly that he didn't need a babysitter. Fat lot of good it did either of my siblings.

I guess I must have been a pretty weird kid, aside from my interest in being Annie. I mean, I actually liked school and was excited to see Ursuline. I put on that nice blue dress and fixed my hair as quick as I could, making sure I was tidy and presentable. Mom and Dad were big on presentable when we went out.

I won't bore you with the school tour, but I have to tell you about one more coincidence in names. I got to see the Headmistress for a few minutes. Believe it or not, she was named Elizibeth DeVos. Since this Betsy DeVos actually worked in education, you can figure out she was not the one that became Secretary of Education years later. My whole life seems to be full of people who have names that would someday become famous. Not that it mattered, because I only got to see the Headmistress one more time personally. I'll tell you about that later, but it was a meeting I would gladly have forgone.

By the time we were done I really wanted to be a student there. Mom and Dad were impressed, too. I got to go around with a girl named May while Mom and Dad discussed money and stuff, so she showed me some of the things that we girls weren't supposed to know. May complained about the school uniform, but I didn't think it was too bad. I have to wonder if there is some Rule Of The Universe that says girl's school uniforms have to have pleated plaid skirts?

The white blouse was pretty much standard, but we weren't allowed to wear colored bras under it, it had to be plain white and no lace. That didn't bother me, but I suppose that girls liked to have frilly stuff.

Who am I kidding? I was getting to like frilly stuff just fine. I wondered what May would say if she knew I had a blue bra on right then.

Mom and Dad were quiet on the way home, I could see they were thinking hard. As far as I was concerned, I was ready to be a girl so I could go to Ursuline. To my eleven-year-old black-and-white way of thinking, it was no problem at all. I liked being Annie, I wanted to go to Ursuline - so what's the problem?

When we got home I put on an apron and helped Dad get dinner ready. (I was disappointed we didn't go out to eat, but you can't win every time.) I did keep the apron on while we ate so I wouldn't mess up my pretty dress. After supper, Kate and Sam got to take care of the dishes while Mom and Dad took me aside for a serious discussion.

Mostly they wanted to assure themselves that I really wanted to be Annie for keeps, or as long as a eleven-year-old can conceptualize forever. So we talked about boys and girls and what happens as they grow up. Did I want to give up being bigger and stronger? Did I think I should have been born a girl? Was I happy as Annie? That sort of stuff. It was starting to dawn on me that maybe this whole thing wasn't as simple as I thought at first.

I think that this was the point in my life that I realized subtlety and nuance was more than something you applied to a character on stage; it applied in my real life, too. Living my life as a girl was more than just wearing different clothes. I had a lot of questions for Doctor Phil at our next session.

I didn't realize it, but I also had a deadline. Mom and Dad had tried not to pressure me, but in order to attend Ursuline next semester they had to have the application in the week before Thanksgiving. That was only a week away. So Doctor Phil and my family had a big meeting where everyone got to put in their two cents. Even Sam figured out this was serious stuff, he didn't crack wise and try to bait me.

Me? I was embarrassed to be the center of all this. What I thought was simple was not so simple after all. Doctor Phil was one of those people who can keep control of a freewheeling discussion without seeming to be doing anything special. By the time we got done I was feeling more confident that trying to be a girl was the right thing for me.

These days I know that most of us who take this path feel an absolute need from a very early age, but that's not me. I think the word ambivalent, a word I certainly didn't know at the time, is pretty accurate. I just took being a boy for granted, I never really cared if I was a boy or a girl until acting in Annie came along and I started to actually think about such things.

What I do know is that I felt very comfortable as Annie. I liked the friends I was making, I liked wearing dresses and skirts and I was even getting to like wearing that silly training bra. I have to laugh about it now, but somehow wearing a bra, even one I certainly didn't need, made me feel like a real girl. When I was wearing my panties I really couldn't tell them from wearing boy's underwear, but that bra was something that was always there helping me feel feminine, even if those tiny hooks on the back often managed to dig holes into my spine when I was sitting in a chair.

But I've drifted away from the meeting. By the time we were done I was sure that Ursuline was the right place for me and I wanted to be Annie. Mom and Dad were less sure and Doctor Phil finally said that he would go along with my choice for now, even though he hadn't been seeing me long enough to make a truly informed decision. In any case, since I was not going to be taking any drugs or making any changes to my body (that made me wonder what he was talking about) that he felt living as a girl would not harm me and would help me to understand myself.

I was going to Ursuline! That's all I really registered. I was satisfied.