A Needed Change - Part two

On Saturday I had no plans, and knowing it would be busy out I had no desire to go out there either. I made myself some French toast for breakfast and just sat about relaxing, wearing a simple cotton dress and just hung out really. While walking from one room to another I passed the intercom which buzzed, and without thinking I picked it up, cursing myself for doing it as I said hello.

“Beck, is that you?”

It was my sister Jane, and what am I supposed to say at this point, no? I said hello and asked what she was doing here, but she told me she was passing and thought she would drop in. With very little options I pressed the button and ran to the bathroom, looking at myself and the make up remover, but stopped. I hadn’t put a bra on this morning and in the short run to the bathroom one of my boobs had bounced out of the dress when the button came undone. I would never be able to remove them and my makeup quick enough, so the best thing to do was just put a bra on and face the music.

I unlocked the front door for her to let herself in, and went to sort out a bra, walking out of the spare bedroom as she came in towing an overnight suitcase. She saw me, and for a fraction of a second she froze, but then carried on like it was nothing, asking me if the kettle was on, and telling me I looked nice. Going with the flow I walked to the kitchen, complimented her on her jacket and asked how come she was ‘just passing’.

Turns out she really was, she had been in Brighton and for a couple of days and was on her way home so she broke her journey to say hello. As we caught up, not once did she ask me a single thing about what I was wearing or how I looked. Once we both had our tea, we went to sit on the sofa at opposite ends, both curling our feet under us, and looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“So, is Becca back then?”

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

She went on to explain that when we played dress up, I always wanted to be called Becca, short for Rebecca and it all came flooding back to me that I always liked this name as it was easy to switch to if I said the wrong one.

I told her all about the last few months, she knew about my broken relationship of course, but how I lost ‘our’ friends in the break up as they were always her friends. Since then, it meant that apart from work I didn’t really have a social life, and how I seemed to just fall into this, finding some comfort in it over the last six months out so. She shuffled over to me and gave me a hug, and I rested against her, getting comfort from her as it all seemed to flow out of me, telling her everything, even about how I took a week off work just so I could be this version of me, and that when I was out and about, I just seemed to fit in and no one looked twice at me.

“I’m not surprised, you always looked happy as a girl, but now you got those puppies you look great!”

I hit her with a cushion.

She wanted to see my wardrobe so we went into the spare bedroom and she asked why I kept it all here, making me shrug and wonder that myself as I looked around. It was a lot more girly than the main bedroom, but it also helped to keep things separate, like I didn’t want my two lives to mix. Anyway, she found one of my dildos, which was embarrassing and led to a separate conversation which I pointed out was neither needed nor wanted right now, just suffice to say that yes, I have toys, and no I don’t know what it means in the long term.

And then she dropped a bombshell bigger than Becca always being my name. “But you know you’ve always been bi, right?”

“How can you know it if I don’t know it yet?” I asked.

“You had a boyfriend when you were little, when we played dress up you had an imaginary boyfriend.” She told me.

I said, “Huh? Anyway, so what, that was just playing, it meant nothing.”

“If it meant nothing explain to me why you have boobs?”

She had a point I guess, and I told her it was probably just something else to add to my list of things to think through. Anyway, we chatted for a while and I showed her my new insta which she followed immediately and I made us both lunch. While I was sorting it I got a text from mum, as it seems Jane let the cat out of the bag and sent a screenshot of one of my insta’s, so that’s another conversation for the future, but at least she just said I looked nice and to enjoy myself while being careful.

Jane told me that meant I was going to get the ‘make sure you’re safe everywhere you go’ chat from mum, but that’s ok, I’m not being dumb. Hanging with my sister again was nice, we hadn’t seen each other for months and we chatted like never before and at some point she decided to stay overnight, taking her case into my bedroom, pointing out it’s time I slept in the one with my clothes in. I did change the sheets for her, it’s only fair, but we ordered in some food and she dared to me answer the door in a bikini, but no, I would not do that.

After we ate, she told me I had to do a forfeit as I didn’t do the dare. I pointed out we never agreed to those rules, but she said it is one I would like, and all I needed to do was get cleaned up. I had no idea what she was on about, but she told me it was time for a make over, and I thought it might be fun, just like when we were kids but now she knows what she is doing, which hardly seemed like a forfeit to me. She used my en-suite and I used the main bathroom, cleaning off my make up, making sure I was smooth all over and washing my hair as instructed. Once we had both finished we met in my bedroom (the spare one), and we started working on our hair, sharing the dryer and giving me lots of tips from her on how to style it myself.

Then it was time for make up, and I had to do mine, with touch ups from Jane, and she needed to borrow some of mine to do her own face as her work trip wasn’t that kinda of event. Anyway, we had fun, laughing, drinking wine, doing our faces and talking about clothes and work and her lack relationship as well as mine.

Once we had done our faces, we started going through my wardrobe, looking for something to wear. Maybe I was stupid at this point, but I think you can tell where it’s going, but for me it was just an extension of my week and our childhood of playing dress up. Once we had both picked something we liked and both approved of, she told me what you already know. We were going out.

I panicked. A lot.

It’s one thing going out during the day to look in shops, it’s another thing to do a late night walk, but how we were dressed it was clear she wanted to go out, out, and as much as I was denying it, I did too.

And it was so much fun!

We got a cab, and following careful instruction before we left, I now knew how to get in and out of a car, a good thing too as the dress was quite short and the gentle breeze was enough to lift it. The strapless bra was a new experience, but I was grateful for it as the dress was off the shoulder. We went to a lot of bars, we drank a bit, had drinks brought for us we never touched, flirted with some guys, a first for me but as I had no intention of doing anything with them I wasn’t bothered. I saw three guys from work, not ones I knew well, just recognised, and was thankful they stayed elsewhere in that bar.

But more than that, I felt really confident being out and about, mixing with people and just having a great time. If I had been out as a guy with guys, I would have been drinking more and talking less, but this time everything just felt fun and, well, right. Even sharing a toilet stall with my sister felt right, there was nothing weird about it, even when I had to tuck in front of her. It was quite funny chatting too a guy while my sister made out with his friend, and I saw her look at me while doing it, telling me with her eyes to do the same with the other guy. I wasn’t ready for that, I mean, I have done a lot this week but wasn’t ready to make out with a random guy. But I did kiss him on the cheek when we went to the next bar. What I mean is I did it, it was my idea, I leant over and put my lips on him, touching him with them, and it felt like a cute thing to do.

And it was fine, it didn’t even feel sexual, but then Jane told me later when we got home that when she was kissing the guy it wasn’t sexual for her either, she just wanted to have a little fun and I should have let my hair down. In bed I had a lot to think about that night.

Maybe I should have grabbed the opportunity? I mean, he wasn’t ugly.

But I still feel like this is just a bit of fun, but I also don’t seem to be able to let go of it as maybe that’s the step I’m not ready to take, a random man who doesn’t know the truth about me, rather than stopping this. Should I see if I can get a date online, just try it out to see where it might go? But that’s not the image I have in my head, if I do it, I want it to feel romantic, not slutty.

I want to be attracted to the man I kiss.

In the morning we talked a bit over breakfast while she booked her train home, and she never once mentioned how I was dressed, which was in a long hoody, really a dress and over the knee socks. With an hour or so to spare before she needed to leave, I suddenly found myself on the end of a ‘big sister talk’. She did say at least I wasn’t being stupid, not going too fast, but also seemed to be enjoying the experience of being a woman. And once again she told me something that I seemed to have blanked out from when we were kids, in that I cross dressed a lot more than I thought I did.

It seemed I quite enjoyed dressing, and would often dress at home, even going out as Becca with Jane and mum. But it all stopped one day when I threw a mini tantrum and demanded to be allowed to dress, I must have been about 11 at the time, maybe even 12 when it happened. I wanted to dress up, but mum needed to go shopping and as we were both young, we had to go with her, but I wanted to stay home in my dress. Mum said if I wanted to stay in it, then I had to come shopping as well, and maybe I was just being bloody minded, but I did.

And that was the last time I wore a dress, as in the supermarket I saw a school friend and wanted to leave immediately, but mum told me this was my choice, and choices have consequences, so I need to suck it up. Of course, the moment we got in I changed and never asked to wear a dress again. I was struggling to remember it, I had a vague memory of it being scared outside in a dress, but nothing clear, and it took a text from mum to convince me it happened. Maybe that’s why it took me so long from first that time I moved the clothes, to the first time I went out?

But here I was in a hoody dress, and last week was clearly something important that I needed to do, and maybe this has always been part of me and now it’s had the opportunity to come back. I hugged Jane bye at the lift, then looked at myself in the mirror. Tomorrow I had work, so I needed to get out of Becca’s head and back into Becks. But I didn’t want to change, so I opted for some jeans and a tee shirt, removed my makeup and just lounged about before getting up and sorting out my bedroom, by which I mean I sorted Becca’s bedroom, moving things into it so that I really could keep my two parts separate, tidied up my clothes, put those I would wash during the week in a pile on the bed, took off the jeans and tee shirt and underwear, adding it all to the pile, then walked out closing the door behind me. In Beck’s bedroom, I grabbed some sweats and a tee shirt for the rest of the day, trying to put Becca out of my mind till tomorrow at least.

On Monday I put on my work clothes, trousers and shirt, socks and my strangely uncomfortable shoes considering what I had become used to wearing, anyway, I drove to work, parked up and headed towards the building, bumping into Steph on the way in. She ran the few steps towards me and flung herself at me in a hug. She’s done this before when one of us has been on leave, but this time I hugged her back, very aware I was hugging her back like a girl as she told me never to leave her alone again. I promised the same of course, and made her say the same to me. The work day was a work day, what else can be said, although I had to keep forcing myself to be a bit less feminine as it had become habit, but at lunch time we both went for a coffee and caught up, even though we had covered everything in extremely edited highlights already.

I managed to hold things back, not quite sure how much I should say, but I decided that when giving her a lift home I would tell her the one thing I have planned so I can test the waters. In the end I bottled it, I just lost my confidence when the words were ready to come out. On Tuesday the same again, I tried to tell her but didn’t, I mean, she’s not just a work friend, we hang out together of work sometimes, maybe not a lot, but she has a hot boyfriend and I’m single. Wait, did I say her boyfriend is hot? Ignore that, I’m waiting to have that conversation later.

Anyway, on the Wednesday giving her a gift home, she suggested we stop somewhere for a drink. Once we were seated outside with our beers, she looked around then looked me right in the eye.

She said, “So, there’s something you wanted to say the last couple of days on the way home but didn’t. What did you want to say?”

Oh god, she knows, Richard did recognise me, she saw me in the cafe and she knows. I could feel myself going red and looking around, I noticed we were away from everyone, she was giving me a chance to open up.

I looked at her and said, “What do you mean?”

“Oh please, twice you were about to say something but stopped yourself. Wait, has the runaway bitch come back and you think I might get jealous?”

She never met my ex, but always calls her that and I can see from the look on her face she’s serious. Ok, it’s time to man up. I know I can’t tell her about Becca, I mean, I want to, but I’m still not sure about it. My sister is always going to accept me, same goes for mum even if she did go on about my safety when I called her on Sunday. But telling Steph? I want to tell her, I really do, but I think for me this approach might be a good one for now.

I take a deep breath, check again we can’t be overheard, and say, “Um, I don’t know why, but for some reason I really want to give a blow job.”

She starts to say something but stops herself, finally saying, “Well, that’s a lot better than you telling me you’ve got a new job.” She pauses before saying, “Or your ghosting ex.”

“Is that what you thought I was going to say?” I asked.

“Yes, I know I always say ‘don’t leave me again’ when you’ve been on leave, but I thought this time that’s why you were nervous to tell me something. Still, I can’t blame you you for being nervous, I mean, you know I’m not a fan of those types of job but at least you won’t need to leave me to for it.”

We looked at each other and started to laugh, then had a quiet conversation about it, and my sexuality, or Beck’s that is, and that it might just be curiosity, but I wanted to taste one and I’m not sure why. She asked why I didn’t try it during my week off, and I talked a little about how I don’t just want to drop to my knees, I kinda want it to feel like it’s special, so it probably won’t happen anyway.

She looked at me as she thought about it and said, “You know, not all men cum from oral, right?”

I admitted I didn’t, but I think Becca must have been shouting in my ear as I asked, “Um, does Richard?”

She didn’t even pause as she said, “No thank god, I’ve never liked the taste but some people do and you never know, you might be one of them.”

I said maybe, who knows, but I told her I was glad I had shared it with her, I feel like with everything we know about each other it only seemed fair I shared it. She gave me a sly look, and said, “Just so you know, each person tastes different, so any experience you might have with the flavour won’t translate to others.”

I looked at her and her eyes were asking me to share one more thing, and I held up a finger and said, “Just once, it was ok, but like you, my back isn’t flexible enough to drink from the source.”

We drank our beers, chatted and it wasn’t mentioned again, but as always I felt close to her and the next day at work it wasn’t mentioned, although she did ask me if I ever looked at any of the guys we work with wondering what they might taste like, but I made it very clear with my eyes that wasn’t open for discussion. On Thursday it wasn’t discussed at all, and today I felt a lot less Becca for the first time, feeling that I had put my week of practicing movements and speech behind me, not falling into it once. But when we walked out the office, Richard was waiting for her and I instantly felt Becca again, making Steph ask me if I was ok.

I was, it’s more that I felt the other side of me wake up, and I had to spend the whole evening on the playstation to try and keep some distance from her. I mean, on Monday at work it was the first time I stood up to pee in a week and it felt weird doing it that way again at a urinal, but tonight when I got home I sat down and it was an effort to get out of her mind and back into his. But on Friday I was definitely all Beck again, and I gave Steph a lift home as Richard was working late that night; he didn't even make it to their usual weekly lunch date. Anyway, when we got to hers, she invited me in, made a cup of tea and when we sat down, I said, “Can I tell you something else?”

“Oh god, you really are leaving work aren’t you!”

I reassured her again I wasn’t, and said, “Well, remember what I told you?” She nodded. “Well, the guy I find myself thinking of, is well, your boyfriend.”

She was silent for a moment, and I was mortified, sure I had destroyed our friendship, but she just said, “Well, I can tell you he won’t cum if you do.”

And then she started giggling, but she gave me a hug, telling me that must have been hard to share, but explains why I acted a bit differently yesterday. I asked her if she hated me now that I confessed I had a little crush on her long-term partner, but she told me it was ok, after all, how can she be angry if others like what she has.

“I have to ask though, why him?” She asked me.

“Um, don’t be angry, but you’ve described him to me more than once, even when I asked you to stop, you told me he bottomed out in you so I know he must be a good size.” She nodded in agreement. “And, there’s also that thing you told me about when he was at university.”

She looked confused for a second, then said, “Oh, you mean when he used to make out with that guy all the time before we got together?”

“Um, yeah, I mean, I guess that means he’s open to it in some ways, but it’s not like I would do anything, even if he waved it in my face.” She gave me a look as if to say, really?. “Ok, if he did wave it in my face I would feel guilty right after doing it, but you know what I mean.”

Once again she asked me if I had ever tried it, held one, or even seen one outside of porn, and I hadn’t, not even in PE at school. She looked at me and said, “I doubt if he would be interested, I mean that guy was before we got together. Anyway, I have an idea.”

And she got up and left the living room, coming back after a couple of minutes with her hands behind her back. “So, you’ve never seen a real one, never touched a real one, but maybe there is something I can do to help.”

And from behind her back she showed me a dildo, sitting down on the floor in front of me holding it out like it was some kind of samurai sword. I slid down to sit on the floor with her, and asked, “So?”

She started laughing, telling me it was a chance to hold one, saying it’s about the same size as her boyfriend, is would give me an idea.

I said, “Um, two questions, has this been inside you and has it been cleaned?”

“I can’t sit here holding it out all night. And the answer to both is yes.”

I looked at her, and reached out for it, holding it up and said, “This is silicone, it’s no big deal.’

She looked a bit annoyed at me, and said, “If you’re serious about wanting to suck a cock, here’s a chance to see what it feels like.”

I said, “But not what it tastes like, I mean, it’s hardly going to be a nice experience.”

A smile slowly crossed her face and she said, “I thought you might say that, so this should help.” And in her other hand was some strawberry flavoured lube. “And you clearly like holding it, your thumb keeps stroking the head.”

I hadn’t even realised I was doing that, I mean, I know I do it all the time with my own dildo, but it must have been a Pavlovian response to holding it. I took the lube from her hand, and as I put a little on the tip and started smoothing it around, I said to her, “Ok, don’t judge me for this.”

I took hold of it, looked at the tip of the dildo, and then looked at Steph. I think she was expecting me to stop and hand it back, but over he last six months I’ve learned a lot about myself, or I should say Becca has learned a lot about herself, and although I was sitting there as Beck, I felt maybe 60% Becca right now.

I said to her, “You think I won’t do it, don’t do?”

She smiled at me and shrugged and I thought to myself, right, if that’s how she wants to play this, then I can play too. I opened my mouth and showed her I wasn’t just serious, I was a little skilled too, something else I picked up six months ago when I started, or maybe restarted this journey. I kept going and put my tongue out to lick the balls as the whole thing was in my mouth, thankful she had lube so I could go deep early.

I sat there and looked at the surprise on her face. I think she was expecting me to be nervous, not do what I just did, but I wanted to show her I was serious and it was the easiest way I could think of to prove it. I took hold of the end, pulling it back and looked at her as I licked the tip, then I did it again, all the way down into my throat and taking my hands away and waggling my eyebrows at her. I hoped she could see I was smiling, but instead I saw the door open and her boyfriend, Rich stand there looking at me.

Her head spun round but there’s me sitting there with something clearly in my throat, and I slowly and as teasingly as possible, withdrew it, holding the tip on my lips as I said, “Hi Rich.”

He looked at me, not sure what to say and Steph started to laugh, so I just put it back in, but was on the verge of laughing myself and had to take it out. He just said, “I have no words, so will get changed.” And left us giggling on the floor. I helped Steph clean it and our coffee cups, hugging her bye as Rich came out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and drying his hair. Of course, we looked at each other and started laughing again, and he looked at us both as I just said “Don’t worry, it’s a private joke.”

And then Steph looked at him, and then me and said to him, “Don’t worry, I will tell you later.”

She gave me a look that pointed out it wasn’t exactly a big deal considering what he just saw, and I told her with my eyes that I hoped it didn’t make things difficult for her and I left to go home. Of course as soon as I got in I went straight to my bedroom to start getting changed, then to my other bedroom to pick an outfit for the evening and put in the wash the clothes I wore last week. As I sat there watching TV and drinking some wine, I wondered why I waited till the weekend to do this, why can’t I feel happy as myself during the work week? I can be a grown up about this.

And then I spat wine everywhere as I started laughing thinking about the look on Rich’s face when he walked in on us.

The next day, Saturday, I got up reasonably early, put the washing in the dryer and headed out to go food shopping. I went for jeans and hoody again, and while I was out I got a text from Steph asking what I was up to. I told her I was shopping but had no plans and she said she would meet me outside my block. I stopped and looked down at myself, and thought, well, it could be worse.

As I walked towards the building, I could see her standing outside holding two coffees and it wasn’t until I was only about five metres away when she looked at me again that her eyes went wide. I put my bags down as I opened the door with the fob, and looked back at her, waiting for something to be said.

“Beck?”

“Becca. Come inside.”

We walked in together and she said nothing, just looking at me, riding the lift in silence and she stood there watching me put my shopping away., Finally I turned around to face her and said, “It’s just a shopping outfit. Want to see the rest of my wardrobe?”

She snapped out of her trance and said, “Fuck yes! Let’s see what else my hot BFF has to show me beside her tight and very nice ass!”

I laughed, taking the coffee that looked like it was for me and walked to my bedroom (Becca’s, but can we just assume you can work out which bedroom I mean from now on, it’s a bit of a pain having to explain what I’m sure you can work out). As we looked through everything she held up an outfit and said, ‘Hallowe’en.’ I opened the other wardrobe and held up another outfit and said, ‘also Hallowe’en’, and I could see her making a plan for her annual party.

While we were in there, I got a chance to explain the story, and I got a new follow on insta with a like for my shopping outfit photo. And a lot of questions about my week off. And then she saw the selfie I took in the cafe on the Friday when she was meeting Rich, and in the background there she was. She threw a pillow from the bed at me and furious with me for not sharing this sooner.

I told her that I saw Rich buying cigarettes and she said she knows he smokes but does try to keep it away from her, mainly when he’s away for work. I regretted bringing his name up, I felt sure that was why she was here, asking her if it was, and she said, “Oh, no, I just wanted to say how impressed I was with your skills,” and she picked up one of my dildos, rising her eyebrows at me, “But I can see we have some similar tastes in silicone.”

Yes, it was the same one, seven and half inches of insertable length and a very nice girth. “I guess subconsciously I was basing my purchase on your seemingly very accurate description.” And we started giggling again, talking about clothes, I talked about my week off and like my sister, she wondered why I didn’t make out with the guy in the bar.

She grabs her phone and starts typing out a text, tells me she has to go home soon but has just told Rich that she’s now having a girls night out with her friend, telling me that I need to be ready by seven as she will be round to help me pick an outfit as now I really am her BFF. I have a great wardrobe and she has her eyes on something she would like to wear tonight, we can talk fashion now, and how we both fancy the same man!

I laughed a little, but felt accepted but her and started to cry, making her climb over the bed to hug me, telling me it was ok, but really, I feel like I am a very lucky girl to have such an amazing friend.

The rest of the day, I was meant to be working out how I wanted to look, but once I had repaired my eyes I decided to jump in my car and get my ears pierced, and asked the girl doing it if she could fit the studs I picked up last week. She could, and I then had to listen carefully, kinda hard to do when you’re admiring your first ever earrings, but I got the message and would keep them clean.

As I walked back to my car, I realised in all the excitement this morning, I didn’t ask Steph something, so sent a quick text, asking if she told him what I said. It took no time at all for the three dots to appear, and reply. ‘Of course I told him, he was flattered and said you got skills, but he would never cheat, so dream on girl, he’s all mine! Hahahaha!

I sent a sad face emoji back and she sent the eggplant and splash one back with a devil face.

Once at home I started trying to sort out a possible outfit, comparing it to things on insta for a night out, trying o see what works and what might, knowing that Steph will say if I got it right or not. I was looking at myself in the mirror, wondering if I’ve gone too slutty or over the top in outfit, and when she got here, she told me I was being way too slutty!

Over a couple of glasses of wine, a new outfit was selected and Steph even borrowed one of my skirts as she thought it looked better on her. We’re almost the same size, I think I’m a little smaller, but not by much. She did enjoy looking at my breast forms when I had to switch to the strapless bra again, but it did lead to a funny conversation. I was a bit too nervous to compare mine to hers, but she had no qualms in doing so as she felt me and herself, but at least she was interested in how they stick on and get blended to hide the seam. When she first reached to feel them, I pulled away, but she said, “Relax, I’m curious but not that kind of curious. I love you, but not enough to love you that way.”

I poked my tongue out at her, but it was quite weird having the lump of silicone stuck to me move as she touched it, but not actually feel it being touched, kinda like when your arm goes to sleep, you can’t feel it, but you can feel the affect of being touched. She had nice boobs, but I wasn’t checking them out, more like admiring them for what they are, and I think wishing I had my own like them. Anyway, new outfit selected, a rough plan for the evening made, basically go to one bar, see what it’s like then start going from one to the next until we get bored.

As much as I enjoyed my time last weekend with my sister, this time with Steph was very different. Maybe I was just getting used to it, maybe it was because I was with a friend, I don’t know, but this time I didn’t just feel nervous, I felt natural, confident and yes, I felt sexy too!

I was a woman, on a night out with her friend, and I didn’t care what anyone else thought. I danced a little, I flirted with men when they tried to chat us up. That was a lot of fun, Steph got to say she was taken, I got to say I was heartbroken, and this time I didn’t feel any pressure to make out with some random guy.

There was one funny half hour in a bar when we bumped in Rich and one of his friends. We chatted away for about ten minutes when he looked at me and suddenly clicked who I was. I gave him a little wink and subtle nod, then when his friend went to the toilet, I asked him not to say anything.

Steph made a very simple threat if he did, or should I say she gave him a promise of something if he didn't. He was silent all the time, almost like he was weighing it up before he said, “You know, I wouldn't have done that anyway, but will you still keep your promise?”

Steph said she would, but she would decide when, and he seemed quite happy with that. I put a hand on his arm, almost cuddled up to him, then looked at Steph and said, “And you do promise to tell me every single detail of it as well, won’t you?”

His eyes went wide and me and Steph started to giggle, I guess he’s worried that I might get over excited at a literal blow-by-blow account of him getting, well, blowed!

Rich and his friend left us after half an hour or so, we moved to a different bar, and I wasn’t quite ready to go to a club, I mean, I don’t know if I can dance yet, well, you know what I mean by that? It’s a different experience of being in a club and I got touched enough in the bars we went to, but being on a dance floor might be too much right now. We got a cab back to mine, and we just carried on chatting and drinking wine, until at some point it was time for bed.

Steph told me she was going to stay the night if I was ok with it, and I of course hugged her and said it was. Standing in my bathroom next to her as we removed our makeup, and brushing our teeth was kinda nice, I think I missed having company like this, just close friendship. A couple of sleeping tee shirts and out of our bras, and she headed to Beck’s bed while I went to my new and now favourite bedroom. As I lay in bed, I was thinking of switching this arrangement around so that Becca gets the en-suite, when my door opened and Steph walked in.

She came over to the bed and climbed in and we lay there looking at each other.

I said, “Um, are you scared of the thunder we’re not having?”

She giggled and said she wanted me to have a proper sleep over, saying, “Besides, we both fancy the same man, it seems like a good time to talk.”

“Are you really ok with me liking him? I’m still coming to terms with it myself and he’s your boyfriend.”

She said, “It’s ok, I guess I think I’ve always seen you as more feminine than masculine, and the way we talk that’s how a lot of people look at you.”

She took my hand and we laid there looking at each other. She continued, “Are you ok with that?”

I told her of course I was, I mean, we’ve been hanging out all day and evening as two girls, she’s wearing my sleepwear, I have boobs and I got her to promise to tell me all about the promise she made to Rich. “Speaking of which, I do mean it, I want to know everything about it.”

“Well,” she said, “It’s like this. I have no intention of doing it, and he’s just had his birthday treat so he’ll have to wait a while before I do it to him.”

She looked at me, and I started to laugh, saying, “I’m not going to say it, I mean, I’m thinking it, but not going to say it.”

I expected her to laugh, but she didn’t. Instead she said, “I can’t be the one that says you can, sorry. It’s his body so he decides what happens to it.”

I was surprised she was suddenly being so serious. She went on, “But, you’re like my best friend at work, now becoming my best friend out of work. So I will say this, I love you a lot, I hope you love me, and if it happens it happens. Just please be honest with me, and please don’t let it be something that hurts any of us.”

I think there was something in my eye.

I shuffled forward and hugged her, saying I would never do anything to hurt her, she really is my best friend in every way, “I mean, I let you feel my tits!”

And we started to laugh, then chat, until eventually we fell asleep, waking up in the morning still holding hands. I looked at my friend and just thought how lucky I really am. I tried to move out of bed slowly without waking her, but her eyes snapped open. I went to make coffee, and ten-minutes later I heard her in the bathroom before joining me.

She said, “So, what are your plans for today?”

I explained that I needed to start thinking about tomorrow, changing back to Beck and try to get a bit more manly for work, and she told me good luck, as I’ve never been that manly int he first place. In the bathroom she was borrowing some of my makeup to touch up her face and she was watching me in the mirror as I started using the solvent to remove my boobs. Once that was done and I was cleaning all the gunk off me, she said, “So how come you have little boobs?”

I replied, “Well, they make the clothes look nicer, and they just feel right, even if these weren’t cheap.” As I put them away carefully ready for next weekend.

Steph kept looking at me and said, “But what about those ones?”

I looked down, and maybe because I see them every day I had never noticed, but yes, I have pecs. She said, “No, I think there’s more. Flex your muscles and bounce.”

So I did and they moved, ok, they giggled a little but I told her ‘it’s probably just a bit of fat’. She said, “You’re skinnier than me and a little fat doesn’t make your nipples bigger. Are you on hormones?”

I took another look at myself and this time I held them more carefully, examining what there was and Steph joined in. “No. But, it can’t be true, can it?”

And I walked back into my kitchen with Steph following me and I started pulling food out of the fridge and cupboards. Soybeans, soy milk, soy yoghurt, tofu. I laid it all out and looked at it, I mean, I had researched it but didn’t really believe it and told Steph the truth, I’ve been eating food that is meant to be high in oestrogen but never really believed it. Steph looked concerned for the first time and said, “You know, when we first met, I thought you were a butch lesbian, and I’m not alone in that. It was when I was told that you stood at the urinal I knew you were a cis male. But you’ve always been on the feminine side of androgynous, so maybe it would be a good idea to see a doctor.”

I nodded, but also saw my reflection in the toaster, I was still topless and looked down to see my little boobs, maybe an AA cup at best, but definitely little boobs, booblets.

And I saw them harden a little as I looked, covering them up and looking at Steph hoping she didn’t see.

She saw, and she said, “Yep, you’re a grower not a shower. Yet!”