Subgoal Sissy: Desperate streamer slowly turns into a girl ch.4

(ps*I’ve been updating this story over at @https://www.patreon.com/ramona_loveletter
I just posted chapter 9, and there’s a saucy halloween tale there too ;)
I’ll post pt 5 here near xmas. x)

With a headache that thumped into his head like a spike, Andy pulled himself up and looked around for his phone. He couldn’t find it anywhere. He’d obviously made it to bed last night but couldn’t quite remember how he’d got there. Without his phone to comfort him with internet scrolling he had no choice but to spend the next twenty minutes lying there still, washing his mind of troubling feelings, letting his head spin and thinking about nothing. Eventually, when he found the energy to reach the edge of his bed, he paused again and looked around his unkept room.

Pieces of last night were slowly coming back. Before he could sort them apart, he made out the shape of his phone on his desk, probably dead. Empty of all energy, just like he normally was. This night, however, seemed to hold a thicker more impenetrable fog, to cloud his mind as to what transpired near the end. But soon, as he dug deeper, everything began to rematerialize. Last night had really happened. He threw himself back on his bed. Desperately, he tried to reject the vivid, flashing memories, none of which could be true.

Somehow he was still wearing his mom’s clothes.
A deep sigh broke his silence.
Andy, now with pieces of clarity blossoming, really didn’t want to think about what he’d done yesterday at all, but as he attempted to decide that it never really happened, he was struggling to let go of the truth that his lowly stream now had an attentive audience of dozens of real life people, and that he’d made more fans than he’d ever had before. He’d clearly gone too far of course, maybe lost his focus and ended up doing something embarrassing, but he remembered the amount of donations and this made him pleasantly warm.
But again in his joy, exhausted seeped back in, along with the fact that he couldn’t remember exactly what it was he’d specifically done when he’d zoned out near the end of his stream.

“fuck”.
He just really hoped that no one from his school had watched.

-

Today was yet another day of school and, bouncing up, Andy finally plugged his phone in to charge, quickly changed out from his mom’s clothes (he’d have to hide them until he knew how to get the creases out) and realised just how hungry he was (he hadn’t eaten last night at all). But before he could eat, he slowly crept out to the bathroom, careful to not be seen. This time he remembered how he probably looked with makeup on his face and that he should probably try to find some makeup wipes if he didn’t want to go to school in it again. But on walking through the doorway, he was taken back by the figure he found in the mirror which almost seemed, for a moment, almost too convincingly like a young cute girl.

Andy shook this off quickly, but after wiping his face clean for the first time in two whole days, something different was stirring in him when he saw his face bare. Maybe this was just his stomach’s plea for help, he thought.

“Hey mom?” he called shortly after, sweeping downstairs onto the landing below. “Did you have an okay night?”

No one answered.

That was odd. She always made sure he was awake before she left. He tried looking for her around the rest of the house.

Something felt off now to Andy, but with all of his mixed emotions bothering him this morning he really had to get something to ea-

“Shit”. He saw the time on the clock.

Now leaving about fifteen seconds to grab one slice of bread, he knew he’d have to sprint to school once again. Immediately forgot about the fact that his mom hadn’t woken him up and was nowhere to be found, but very before long, he was off and out to try and save his school record once again.

-----

It was extremely close; his world class stupidity had almost made him late for school yet again. But nothing seemed unique about the day when he sat down at his desk, despite coming to school with makeup on the day before. But when he drifted off, as he normally did during the start of each class, he started feeling more and more paranoid as his account of yesterday again began to become clearer.
He couldn’t get it out of his head that he’d tricked multiple people into believing that he was a girl for money.

None of it seemed real. This wasn’t normal behaviour from a guy. Panic started to grow in him. Maybe something was actually wrong with hi-
“U- Uh yes miss?” Andy replied back to his teacher who’d sternly just asked him if he was still awake.
A few giggles travelled quickly around the class, causing Andy to turn red. But the class moved on strangely quickly, and Andy too was almost about to settle back down as well, but then suddenly, only so quiet that he was unsure if he’d instead imagined it, he caught from the corner of the room, a vile, jagged whisper: something carrying the word ‘girl’.
He couldn’t make out the rest of the words but he knew it was about him.

-------
All of his troubles rushed straight towards his head. He was now more paranoid than at any time before. Every look in his direction now became a deep, probing, knowing interrogation. Every head that turned his way was now a careful attempt for any information that they could use against him. He couldn’t bear to look anywhere other than directly at the floor.
Andy scolded himself for being so gravely naive and forgetful; being so tired and just generally disorientated he’d forgotten how easily rumours can spread and that he still didn’t know how much his girlfriend had heard. She’d probably sent him hundreds of messages and here he was just being an idiot staring at the floor. It was suddenly crucial that he told her the truth as soon as possible, that it was all a misunderstanding, and that he wasn’t a freak. He reached for his phone in his pocket.
He reached again for his phone in his other pocket.
Unfortunately, in another painful moment, he happened to find that he’d stupidly left his phone at home, charging uselessly on his stupid desk. He wished he could disappear.
He knew that his only hope now was to find his girlfriend April as soon as he possibly could. She was normally quite elusive to him during school hours (and all non school hours to be honest), but If the rumours had reached her then he’d have probably completely lost his chance to explain his innocence or even talk to her ever again completely.
The lunch bell tolled and he sprinted out of the room.

Regardless of what was really said in the corner of that classroom a moment ago, Andy had absolutely made an even greater fool of himself with his frantic scene of suddenly jumping up and abandoning the class and with the way he raced through the school hiding his face with his hands. Several people who knew nothing about him (or his girl-scapades) were nearly rudely knocked out of his way.

-

Andy couldn’t stop thinking about the price he had willingly paid. He was unpopular for sure, but he wasn’t ready to become a school pariah. How could he have possibly thought that he’d gotten away with anything? People were glancing over at him from every angle; he tried telling himself that he was being overly paranoid. It didn’t help at all.
He decided right then that he’d gone way too far with all of this. He was happy with the money he’d made, but he wasn’t a girl, or a pervert or anything of the sort, and so he’d never try any of this ever again. It was all to great a risk to his livelihood. He was now almost at the lunch hall when abruptly from his path ahead, one boisterous looking boy started to come straight towards him in seemingly friendly applaud.

“Yooo, broo.. that was awesome!
You really tricked all those idiots last night!” Andy stopped completely, deer in the headlights.
”They actually thought you were a girl! Honestly that was sick as fuck bro, where did you think to do something like that? How much money did you make?”
Andy’s breathing had functionally stopped.

“No, seriously bro, I didn’t know you were this much of an entrepreneur! Are you doing it again tonight or uh.., what was your name again?..”

Ten seconds later, Andy sputtered a meek, vague, nervous half-sound.

“Danny!” Another guy, who Andy hadn’t noticed, claimed quite confidently. Someone reached over and was about to correct him. There was now a total of five boys (all larger than Andy) circled around him, all smiling and talking.

In a nervous, tiny laugh, Andy, struggling to absorb that this was in-fact all really happening to him right now, clumsily turned himself away from his interviewers and tried making off in whatever direction was opposite them. As it turned out, the pressure of his nerves had swelled his judgement and instead of escaping from danger, he soon found himself now further inside the crowds of gossiping students all heading for the lunch hall with the way back out being now blocked by his new admiring bros. How did they find him so soon? He stressed deeply, a thousand thoughts spinning in his head.
-

He shortly broke into an opening in the narrow mouth of the now roaring lunch hall. Hundreds gathered gossiping here in every direction. April could have been anywhere in the entire school in this moment, but in a rare moment of luck, to his unbelieving eyes, and like seeing distant land ashore in the wake a storm, Andy saw his April in the furthest far corner or the room, talking comfortably with her friends.

She seemed so peaceful in her own little bubble beyond all of the crowds. What he’d give to be in her shoes right now, he thought. He imagined going over and asking her about the party she’d been to the other day.

Andy tried to read their lips. He couldn’t figure anything out but their conversation seemed to be becoming very lively. And for Andy this meant that he was surely already too late to be able to explain himself and he was probably in for a very bad time. She’d made it clear to him on several occasions before that because he was so unpopular in school, he wasn’t allowed to talk to her when she was with her friends, with no exceptions. This was in-fact most of the time that she was in school, but Andy, with no clue of what else to do, simply just stood still where he was (in the way of people trying to enter the lunch room) and lost himself in his thoughts.

After the longest minute of his life, April effortlessly turned and looked his way and directly caught his eyes.
There could be no true reading of her mood in this moment. For all of the years he’d known her, Andy had no idea what these eyes meant. They locked eyes for what seemed like an hour. The room slowed down in it’s motion. Neither blinking, her face a blank slate as if daydreaming or simply looking straight through him, his surroundings had vanished to silence. He couldn't feel the people that were forcefully pushing their way past him into the room, he tried to convey to her with his eyes that he was sorry and that none of it was true.
In a final moment her glance turned sour, as if to say ‘who is that idiot stood there blocking the doorway?’ and, grimacing, she turned back to her food and continued laughing at whatever story her friends were telling her about.

A girl suddenly arrived, landing right by his left. “You should join the cheerleading squad you knowwwwww! All the boys would really love you. They’d tear you to shreds! Ha ha!”

Andy flinched round and saw a complete squad of preppy young girls addressing him en masse. About six altogether. He was completely submerged by excited smiles and questions all waiting for his response. One of them bluntly walked past, calling him a whore. Another trailed behind her advising him that “A girl really shouldn’t act that way at all. You’ll regret it in the future” followed by one gleeful girl cackling “you should be saving yourself for a good man you’ll marry one day babe” before beaming off into the crowds of the lunch hall, leaving him stunned. Andy knew he was truly screwed.

He quickly turned again to find which way he’d entered the room but the door was completely blocked with queues of people lining up for lunch. Several of them were staring strangely at him. Someone in the distance shouted “Girl!”. The room was now effervescent with conversations, but it really was clear that despite being all in their own bubbles, individuals from all around the room kept glancing at him as if he was weird. He had to get out, but with the growing assault of stress on him, he couldn’t find a path to choose. He instinctively dashed off towards the right side of the room. Everywhere was so crowded with bags and chairs the every route between tables had become a maze. The longer he stayed, he imagined the threat of him being confronted again. He kept finding himself in dead ends and corners and standing clueless in-front of bemused jocks and shit-starting girls. “Oh, were you going this way fag? Need to change a tampon?” A small group erupted with laughter. He was becoming increasingly lost in this growing sea of crowds. His heart was racing and his breath could barely keep up. But stumbling and tripping and fearing that everyone around him thought he was some kind of girly boy, he had no choice but to get out soon.
----

Finally after somehow passing through one of the room’s small side doors, Andy fell back against the wall and sighed so deeply, closing his eyes and dropping his bag on the floor. His ears were still ringing but Andy was now alone at last in en empty corridor.

“Hey dude. Look, I didn’t mean to scare you off before-” Andy was terrified.
“wait. Let me explain”
The group of ‘Bros’ from a few minutes ago were now once again standing beside him, completely from out of the blue, but still gasping to catch his breath, Andy simply decided to surrender to their interrogation. At least if he die right now, there’d be few witnesses in this hallway here, he consoled himself gravely.

“No, really!” Said another kid to his side.
“I’m looking forward to watching again.” They could see how Andy was distraught.
“You’re like pretty brave dude honestly, and it’s always cool to see someone from around this neighbourhood who’s not afraid to break traditional gender stereotypes.”

“...”

Andy, with no words left to speak, slowly waited for the punchline and looked one of the guys in the eyes. They really did carry a look of respect with them. This has to be a joke. He thought again and again and span around to look, checking that no one was else was around or filming him. He paused in anticipation one last time, but nothing else came.
Reassessing the situation, he calmed down greatly. All he managed to do was to mutter out a weak, barely audible “..thanks?”. He still wasn’t sure that they weren’t about to call him a sissy and beat him up.

“No problem bud, catch you later” The closest guy replied, and with a pat on his shoulder, off they went past him to go find a space in the hall.

“Oh, and uh..” the guy turned back to look at him before he left.
“you make a pretty hot chick”
He laughed to one of his friends warmly and strolled off back down the hallway.

Andy’s body flushed with goosebumps. He stayed in the empty corridor to reflect. First it felt wrong and he couldn’t stop blushing, but then he realised that from just those four guys, this was in fact the most successful social interaction he’d ever had at this school. His ears had stopped ringing too. He wasn’t sure if he’d felt this before from any other people his age, but it kind of felt, amazing. And so, without his consent, the coals were again stoked back into his motivation for potentially continuing his streams. He really did need to find somewhere quieter though; all of this and the night before had exhausted him to the point where he didn’t think he couldn’t manage another person.

-

Two hours later, Andy found himself in the last class of the day, a quiet physics lesson. Nothing interesting could happen here, he confidently assured himself. Shortly after taking his seat however, the teacher began revealing the plan for the final hour: students were to split into pairs and follow a precise set of instructions to test the tensile strength of narrow sheets of wood. ‘Incredible, Andy thought. ‘When am I ever gonna need this in life?’. He’d been struggling with the urge to just leave and go home, but with his poor record he knew that this wasn’t really an option. Everyone around him seemed to be getting out of their chairs and shuffling around though, as he was debating these new thoughts.

Before he could fully focus again, the class had already split into pairs for the experiments. “Fantastic” Andy thought. Surely there wouldn’t be enough people to find a partner and he’d be able to sit this one out. Unfortunately for Andy, as the students moved back to their new seats, a strange kid was left standing next to the teacher, looking awkwardly around.

“Oh great” The teacher said. “It looks like Andy doesn’t have a partner yet. You wont mind going with Joshua will you?”. Andy’s response clearly wasn’t needed as the teacher immediately went into a presentation explaining the first steps of the experiment to the class. Joshua was now sitting beside him, looking at him curiously.

“Hah, I always get picked last for these things” Joshua laughed to Andy. He’d had never spoken to him before but knew that Joshua was about as unpopular as himself in the school. There wasn’t anything really wrong with him exactly, but he was just maybe a bit too interested in studying to really attract any friends.

All throughout the teacher’s demo, Joshua seemed to be moving around in his chair almost a little too much, and Andy, still inexperienced in being sociable, was unable to respond to his repeated attempts at making conversation. All Andy could do was pretend to be paying attention to the teacher. He still didn’t know who knew about his him pretending to be a girl, and thought it best to just keep talking to a minimum.

The teachers task sounded simple. One partner was to hold up a series of square wooden panels while the other was to use both hands to push against them until they broke. (*this does go somewhere I promise ;)- author ramona*) Starting from the center-point of the wood, the students were to horizontally move their hands further apart on each attempt and then record how difficult it was to break the square from each of the spots on the shape.

Andy was dreading this whole task and would much rather have done a test in silence. But Joshua for some reason seemed like he’d just been given the opportunity to make a new friend.

Joshua thought it would be a great idea for Andy to be the one to hold up the squares and so Andy slowly picked up the first at it’s corners and held it at arms length. He couldn’t help but notice just how thin his arms had become lately, not much muscle for a guy. But before Andy was ready, Joshua had broken straight through the middle, and quickly started laughing.

“what the hell Joshua?” Andy spluttered out.
“Oh so you can talk, hey?, Joshua turned to write down the first results.
“You can call me Josh though. Are you always this shy?”
This was a stupid question, Andy literally never spoke to anyone in school.

Before Andy could find a response, Josh had jumped back up and started pushing against Andy’s second panel. Each time a square broke Josh would more his hands further and further away from the center of the wood, and with each new square, Josh had to push harder and harder to break through the middle. Now apart from running to school, Andy didn’t exercise at all and always forgot to eat proper meals, so what was at first a seemingly trivial task, grew to become increasingly challenging. He ended up having to put more than a modest amount of effort into holding each square back against the pushes from Josh’s offensive. Most of the girls in this class were probably stronger than he was, he thought.

Andy looked around to see that the rest of the class had become unruly, with people laughing at each other, some now lying on the floor, and more than the expected few trying to imitate karate masters. But From all of the constant talking Josh had been doing, It suddenly struck him through his paranoid barrier, that Josh was trying to be his friend.

He almost couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t until after this and several attempts of Josh asking him if he had any plans this weekend that Andy realised that he legitimately couldn’t remember the last time someone had tried to make a friend out of him. “uhhm, not much really. Maybe some video games” Andy quietly replied, finally breaking his silence, and bracing against the next incoming push. “Niiiice” Josh replied. And from here, Andy’s irritation at the boring group task, slowly started to turn more pleasant. “Is this how normal people make friends? I guess we do have a few things in common” he thought. “why hasn’t he ever tried talking to me before though?”

All this seemed to soothe the thoughts in his mind. This new idea of friendship was starting to spread through his thoughts with a warming feeling, pushing his anxiety away.

“You know what? I didn’t know you were this strong” Josh said. “But can we break this one?” Andy was straining with all his might to keep this square straight, and Josh was almost breaking a sweat trying to push through. Both had their legs in secure stances, but Andy, looking at Josh’s smiling face, began to think that maybe some things can’t be broken.

Both were hot, straining, and now almost sweating. Half of the class had given up at this point. Perhaps the teacher was having some fun with them and had given out an impossible end to the task. Andy moved his feet again to regain his best position and noticed the way Josh was now looking at him. It almost reminded him of the way that his girlfriend had looked at him one time long ago. But it was such a vague feeling he didn’t know if- Blam.

The board split through and Josh shot towards him. Andy, unprepared, was jolted after putting all of his weight against this square. As boring of an experiment the teacher made this sound, both their hearts were racing as Josh now flew towards Andy at a rate that neither were anticipating and both of them collided in each other’s open arms. This wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that Andy had left a chair a little too close to the back of one of his legs. Immediately he lost most of his balance. Andy held tight and embraced Josh for dear life, looked directly into his eyes, felt his arms around his torso, their chests pressing together and his weight falling on top of him.
-
As Andy lay on the floor, he looked up into the eyes that were directly in front of him in and, in silence, feared the possibility that he’d broken something bad. Josh still had that friendly look in his eyes. Staring deeper he could almost feel a deep warmth inside himself, as though his worried soul was being soothed through all of the pain. As he lay there on top of him, looking down into him, they weirdly seemed to be safe and didn’t feel the need to speak any words. Josh moved in for a kiss.

“No no no no no no no!” Andy squirmed and shuffled his way back out from under him, bumping the chair-legs. He looked around to see if anyone had seen them. Nothing. Everyone was actually already packing up and getting ready to leave the class. He quickly stood up and looked back at Josh sitting on the floor and without saying anything packed up his things and moved away. Once the bell rang, Andy promptly left. Before the hallway however, he stopped to glance one look back at Josh but couldn’t find him anywhere. He had to go home.

-----

-----

“Hi mom I’m home” Andy called out.

“Oh, good sweetie” He heard in reply as he came into the kitchen.
His mom was sat at the counter, head down, and looked like she’d been crying. He cautiously rushed up to her and put his hands on her shoulder.

“Mom what’s wrong? I-” Was all he managed to get out before his mother said “I, I’m just a little fluey that’s all. D-Don’t worry. I’m. Just tired, and need some rest. Don’t worry about me honey, just go upstairs and I’ll have dinner ready later okay?” While she spoke, she didn’t take her eyes off the papers on of the counter in front of her. A few moments of deliberation later, Andy came to the conclusion that he didn’t know how any ways to help her right now, but he was relieved to see her home again. He backed up and went upstairs. Whatever it was, he told himself, surely she’d be able to figure it out by herself..

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hope you enjoyed.. ;)
new chapters are posted on my patreon twice a month (currently on ch9)
https://www.patreon.com/ramona_loveletter
all chapters will be eventually released for free, about once a month
I recently wrote a sexy pov halloween tale too..
please enjoy responsibly

~mona x