Chapter 6 - Party Time

Saturday morning I woke up and I just couldn't help it - with all those new clothes still in the bags I just had to wear them. The party wasn't until two in the afternoon, but I really wanted to try on some of my new things.

I took my time picking out what I wanted to wear and finally decided on a pink skirt and white top. I wore my Minnie Mouse socks and the pair of black shoes and put on the locket that Mom had gotten me last night. I was going to put in a hair ribbon but I couldn't quite get it tied up right by myself, so I figured I'd have to ask Kate or Mom to do it for me after breakfast.

Sam held his nose when I came in to the kitchen and Kate just laughed.

"And good morning to you, too, baby brother."

"Sam, behave yourself!" Dad threatened.

"The play is over. You don't have to be a girl any more, Danny"

"What if I like being a girl, squirt?"

"Yucch!"

"I feel the same way every time I see you."

"Children! Enough!" commanded Mom. "You look lovely this morning, Annie. I'm sure that the other girls at the party will appreciate the care you took in picking an outfit."

"Thanks, Mom. I hoped it was good enough."

"For someone who's only trying to be a girl you didn't do half bad, sis." Kate said.

"Could you help me with the hair ribbon, Kate? I couldn't quite get it right."

"No problem, sis."

Sam didn't look happy but knew enough to keep his mouth shut. Kate fixed me up and we all had breakfast. After I helped with the dishes I realized there wasn't much to do until it was time for the party, so I found my book and sat down to read.

OK, I tried to read. I kept getting distracted by the clothes I was wearing. The hem of the skirt tickled my legs. Then the hooks on the back of my bra started digging holes in my spine. I wiggled around and found a more comfortable position. After a while my legs were getting chilly. It was fall and Dad hadn't turned up the furnace yet. It wasn't cold but my bare legs weren't happy. I started to read again and then one of my bra straps started to slide down my arm. I wiggled but it didn't help, so I unbuttoned a couple of buttons on my blouse and stuck a finger under the strap to bring it up again.

How girly was that? I mean, of all the things a boy never expected to be doing, straightening his bra strap must rate number one. This was getting annoying, I had maybe read two pages since I sat down. Just then, Sam came in and said "Do you still play video games even though you're my sister?"

"Sure, Sam. Mario?" I wasn't getting any reading done anyway.

"Fine with me."

"I call Luigi." As if I could get Sam to play anyone but Mario himself. Sneaky brother/sister tricks - make the kid think he won before the game starts. So OK, Sam can beat the pants (skirt?) off me at just about any video game. He was the addict, I just fooled around with them once in a while.

So Sam and I spent some time together until the party, I didn't want my little brother to think I was abandoning him just because I was starting to think like a girl.

It didn't hit me until Aileen opened the door that here I was about to spend the afternoon with a bunch of girls I didn't know and who all thought I was a girl. I didn't have a script to guide me. I didn't have any lines memorized. I didn't have any experience playing as a girl. What the heck was I doing?

That all got blown away when Aileen grabbed me in a big hug and cried "Annie! You came!"

"Well, you did invite me."

"I wasn't sure you'd come, but I wanted you to meet some of my friends."

"What? You didn't invite me just for the loot?"

"You're bad! Of course I didn't. What did you bring me?"

We both started laughing and I was relieved. This wouldn't be so bad.

"You're worse than my baby brother! 'What did you bring me?' You'll have to wait until your parents let you open your presents."

"That's mean!"

"I had to wait so you do too."

"C'mon, let me introduce you to my friends."

So I got to meet six other girls. I was glad Aileen had told me to wear something pretty, I would have felt out of place if I wore what I usually wear. Of course, if I wore my usual clothes nobody would believe I was a girl. Was that all it took to be a girl - just change your clothes?

OK I was young and innocent and I was just starting to realize I wasn't your usual eleven-year-old boy.

We played silly games that Aileen's mother had thought up. I had played silly games at boy's parties, but these games seemed to emphasize working together and helping each other. At boy's parties the games were more about competition, seeing who was best. Not that I realized that right away, but I figured it out with dad's help later. I knew there was something different about this party but wasn't really sure what it was.

After a few minutes I no longer thought about how I was dressed or whether I was a boy or a girl. I just had a fun time with my new friends and - of course - pigged out on cake and ice cream. That part doesn't change no matter if the guests are boys or girls or both.

Eventually the others learned that Aileen and I took Irish dancing together and everybody wanted to see what it looked like. Her folks had some Celtic music CDs so she put one on and we tried to do the steps we had been practicing together. There wasn't quite as much room to move around as we had at the dance studio, so we flubbed a few parts but the girls didn't really notice.

When we finished there was applause and there was Aileen's Dad in the doorway giving us a standing ovation. Since he was standing it had to be a standing ovation; an actor - or a dancer - won't turn down such approval even if it was accidental.

The afternoon passed quickly and I was surprised when the party was over; I was having so much fun I didn't want it to end. I was so involved with the girls that I didn't even notice when dad came by to pick me up. He must have been standing there for quite some time, just watching me as I hung out with the other girls. When someone poked me and told me my Dad was here it took a second to realize it was time to go.

Dad had quite a grin on his face. Much later told me that he was trying to process how his son was indistinguishable from all the little girls in the room. Somewhere in his brain he was telling himself that he was going to have to actually put his principles of equality of the sexes to the test.

I don't suppose I'm going to surprise anyone that he and Mom both passed that test, a test I didn't even know they were taking.

So I found my coat and waved goodbye to everyone. As I was leaving Aileen grabbed me and said "You have to come over sometime for a slumber party."

Well, that sort of penetrated my girly persona. Even at that young age I knew that girls and boys didn't share bedrooms. Dad saved me and said that we would talk about it when we got home, so I didn't have to answer.

It was an interesting question, though.

Chapter 7 - Doctor Phil

After the excitement of the party on Saturday, Sunday was sort of ho-hum. I just hung out - as Danny - and did the stuff I normally did on the weekend. Monday was back to school and for the next little while Annie was a fond memory. Every once in a while I'd see one of my dresses in the back of the closet and think about putting it on, but I resisted.

About a week later, Dad took me aside and told me I had an appointment with a gender therapist. I took that with mixed feelings. On one hand, what kid wants to do see a doctor. Once again coincidence stuck my young life, as I was to see Doctor Phil McGraw. Dr Phil had a whole bunch of letters after his name, but in the year 2000 the TV star Dr Phil was only a minor part of the Oprah Winfry show. I suppose it was a good thing that our family never watched Oprah. It wouldn't be too long before his name became a professional burden, but that was in the future.

I had mixed feelings, but I really did enjoy being Annie and wearing those dresses in my closet. Mixed feelings aside, if Mom and Dad said I was going, then I was going. The good part was it would be almost Thanksgiving before he had an appointment available so I just kind of forgot about it. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

As time does, it kept passing and one Friday morning Mom reminded me that she would pick me up at school just before lunch so I could come home and decide what dress Annie would wear to her appointment. There were the mixed feelings again! Would it be worth seeing a doctor just so I could be Annie again?

You can tell that doctors aren't my favorite people in the world. At that age, doctors were the people who you saw when you were sick or were going to get a shot. I did not like getting shots, not even a little bit. Mom and Dad told me that Dr Phil wasn't the kind of doctor that gave you shots, but I still wasn't sure I believed them.

But Mom picked me up and took me home and I asked her help in deciding what Annie should wear. We settled on one of my casual dresses, after all if I was going to be a girl I figured I should be wearing something only a girl would wear. So Mom left me to get dressed and I did - and yes, I put on the training bra that I really didn't need but helped me feel more like a girl. It felt funny after not having worn it for a month or so, but by the time we left the house I hardly noticed it at all.

Once again we went to lunch together and once again Mom didn't want to eat at Micky D's. I cringe at remembering how much I liked eating fast food like that as a kid, but convincing my parents to take us to McDonald's had become sort of a game whenever the family ate out. We didn't win the argument often, but sometimes we were allowed to gorge on a quarter pounder with cheese.

We arrived at the doctor's office and checked in, waited the obligatory wait and went into his lair. About the last thing I expected was to have him say "My goodness! It is you. I just loved Annie, you are a very talented young woman, my dear."

I had a fan! The first one who recognized me outside the theatre. That certainly broke the ice, but it would take a while before I was sure he wasn't going to haul out that syringe and stick a needle in me!

I have to admit it's hard to separate the actual memories of that first encounter from my adult perspective and the stories I have honed over the years. We started out talking about what it was like to play a girl on stage and gradually moved into what I felt like as a girl off the stage. What was different? Did I like having people think I was a girl? What kind of friends did I have? Were they girls or boys?

The initial consultation was scheduled for two hours, the first half with Mom there and the second hour just me alone with Dr Phil. A wise way of doing things given my paranoia about doctors. By the time for us to talk without Mom I was beginning to trust Dr Phil.

The thing that I remember most vividly was that, after Mom left, he asked what I thought about being adopted. Actually, that was something I never thought about much. I knew I was adopted, that my birth parents and grandparents were killed when I was very young, but since I had never known them I considered Chip and Joanna my parents.

Being an orphan and being adopted never really meant much to me. I realize as an adult that I was quite different from many adoptees in this, but at eleven it was just one more fact in the bunch of facts in my head. I had loving parents and didn't feel in the least abandoned.

I realize now that Dr Phil was trying to see if my gender switching might be connected to abandonment issues being an orphan. I didn't really get that back then, and it surprised me that he would even ask. Weren't we supposed to be talking about if I wanted to be a girl?

I'm pretty sure I surprised him when he found out I had only really been in public as Annie so few times. I think I was born to be an actor and was a budding professional even at that tender age. Once I adopted a role I lived that role, onstage or off. I felt perfectly natural as Danny or Annie, switching between characters was easy.

So Dr Phil asked to meet Danny the next time and we had come to the end of the session.

I guess he really wasn't the kind of doctor who would give me a shot.