This is about the little sensible voice that many of us have that keeps us from harm. It also, perhaps keeps us from being who I we were meant to be.

It started way before I remember. The voice in my head. The little sensible voice that keeps me from harm. The one that I always listen too.
At 5 my mother tried to dress me in a pair of girl’s knickers, I refused as sensible voice told me. “Your brother will be shouting to everyone that you wear knickers if you do” He was probably right.

I confronted my mother years later she told me she brought them because they were cheaper than boys pants? We were poor, but she always wanted a girl.

When I was 6, I was around my great aunt’s house. She was talking to her sister about a television program she watched where a boy was dressed and raised as a girl by his stepmother. I remember her telling her sister that the boy had a closet full of beautiful dresses.

Of course, to my 6 year old self this seemed heaven. I started to ask questions, until the little voice said “Stop! They’ll know.”

I wanted to know all about what that would have been like. I envied my aunt’s and all the women in my family. There was one girl in the extended family. She was treated as a princess. My mother and her sister had seven boys between them, so boys were commonplace.
I so wanted to be one and shout and tell them. Sensible voice all said, “No, everyone will laugh at you. "

A few years back I found out the series was Journey to the Unknown: Miss Belle

You can watch it here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IFuiubAJu4

It is a disturbing tale.

When I was 14 the sensible voice saved me. I used to bunk off school and dress in my mothers’ clothes and go for walks during the day. With a scarf and a little lipstick, I thought I passed as 17.

Returning home one day, walking up the stairs to our flat one of my school friends was waiting by my front door. My heart stopped. My brain worked at light speed coming up with explanations.to why I was dressed as a young woman.

I opened my mouth to speak. Sensible voice said, “SHUT UP!” I pushed passed, unlocked the door and closed it quickly.

A few days later I told the boy I had been bunking off when I heard my aunt come in. I told him I had to hide in the cupboard for 2 hours. He told me a woman went passed him on the stairs.

My 14-year-old life would not have been worth living if that had got out. I lived in a rough area of north London.

At 15 the need to be a girl was so strong I had my penis in my hand and a pair of sharp scissors ready to remove it. Sensible voice said “You might be dead before they get you to hospital. What it they sew it back on?” I listened to him. It was a stupid thing to try to do.

Sensible voice kept me from running in the road when I was going through a macho phase. I would drink 8 pints, but still not act like a complete idiot like my friends. I have been told that I never let go, never really let my hair down. Sensible voice won't let me.

At a party two sisters asked if they could dress me as a woman to wind up a guy. Every part of me screamed YES. Sensible voice said. “You’re meant to be meeting a girl, she won’t want someone like you. She’ll want a real man.”

I wish I’d ignored him that time, the girl never turned up.

At 19 I had a huge row with my girlfriend. I could have finished with her. I had thought I could leave home soon and live as a woman. At least at home. Sensible voice said. “You will never have children if you do. You will never be loved.”

I listened to him and married. Now I’m here. 40 years later. Weighing up what I have with what I might have had.

Sensible voice says. “You followed the best path.” I’m not sure though, but I do love my three sons. I just pray they haven’t inherited the yearnings I have.