Chapter 1

“Come on, focus!” Tommy told himself, forcing himself to look back down to his maths homework on the table for the hundredth time.

It didn’t take long for his eyes to wander off in the direction of the ballet studio again. Through the door opening, he could see the dancers work hard on their bourrées, seemingly floating across the floor on their pointe shoes. In the studio, they were moving diagonally from corner to corner, so he only saw them appear in the door opening for a short time, either moving from left to right or from right to left. For anyone else, it might not make much of an impression, but it was enough for him to let his mind to wonder what it was like to be in their shoes.

Tommy sighed; he could easily move to a different table in the hall that wasn’t in view of the ballet studio, but something inside him he had to keep watching, and dream. So he just sat there, listening to the piano music, fantasizing about himself standing on pointe shoes. He stretched his feet downwards as far as he could, and even with his sneakers on he almost made a straight line with his foot and leg.

Nice flexible feet, he thought, ballerina’s feet. Maybe with practice, I could be a swan on stage, along with the other girls.

“Oh god…” he groaned as he buried his head in his hands, “What self-respecting dude thinks like this?”

When the piano music stopped and the girls swarmed out of the studio into the changing rooms, he let out a sigh of relief, even though he couldn’t shake that idea of being ‘her’ from his mind fully.

“Hey cuzz, did you get much work done?” Valerie emerged from the changing room after a while, looked over Tommy’s homework, and snorted, “Wow, you solved a grand total of 2 math problems in 2 hours. What happened? Too busy wishing you were back in ballet class like the good ol’ days?”

That was a painful reminder for Tommy; only a few weeks ago, he loved dancing and had proudly danced one of the lead parts in their biennial ballet recital. Everything looked up, until doubts about who he was started creeping into his mind, where they developed into the dreams he regularly had nowadays. Scared of what it might further do to him and desperate to get back to his old life, he quit, telling everybody he needed more time for school.

“Uhm no… Just got distracted by the music and all,” he said to his cousin.

Guess that was only half a lie, he thought.

“I still don’t get why you had to quit,” Valerie said, “I mean, yeah, I get needing more time for school, but you could’ve done a few classes a week. I thought you liked it.”

You have no idea, Tommy thought. He had told himself he’d get back into ballet as soon as he got back to normal, but with the way things were going right now, that doesn’t seem to be any time soon.

“Yeah, I did- I mean- school’s just-” Tommy stammered; he had always trusted Valerie with his problems and hated that he was unable to just tell her what he was struggling with.

“Yeah, I know you have your reasons,” she shrugged, “Girls in the class just wonder why you’ve suddenly disappeared. And Martin has been complaining about being the only guy in class ever since you left.”

“Too bad for him, I guess,” Tommy said in a monotone voice, as if he hadn’t been fantasizing about himself as a ballerina performing with Martin as his male counterpart. Thinking of a life where he would be assisted by him in his turns and lifts made him feel strangely peaceful, much to Tommy’s frustration.

Valerie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “Fine. Be like that.”

Great, Tommy thought, you pushed one of the only friends in your family even further away.

“Let’s just go,” he sighed.

“We have to wait for Katie,” she replied “She’s almost done getting dressed.”

“You’re hanging out with her again?”

“What’s wrong with me hanging out with my friends? Sorry for enjoying talking to someone that doesn’t give me short, vague answers.”

Silence.

Yup, that’s who am now, Tommy thought, barely a dude, and worse, someone who can’t even trust someone enough to talk to them. He looked to the floor, barely managing to hold back tears.

Chapter 2

Tommy sat slumped in Valerie’s car with his head resting on his hand, as he quietly watched the landscape go by through the window. He sat in the same way he had sat on the way from school to the ballet school, only this time he had to sit in the back of the car, with the 2 girls taking up the front seats, enthusiastically chatting about their plans for tonight.

A few weeks ago, Tommy would’ve happily joined in on their conversation but he felt more like a burden now, so he wasn’t even listening. Like the car’s engine, the conversation became background noise, and he started getting lost into his thoughts again.

His eyes were drawn to Katie, who was sitting in the front passenger seat. Tommy sat behind the driver’s seat, giving him a pretty good view of her.

Don’t panic, he told himself, this is normal for guys like me. She’s an attractive girl, that’s why you’re looking at her.

Like most girls in ballet, Katie hadn’t bothered taking off all of her ballet attire in the changing room, and had simply put sweatpants over her tights and a T-shirt over her leotard. It was enough to make her look like any other casually dressed girl, but Tommy’s eyes were still fixated on the small part of her ballet outfit that wasn’t covered up. Her sweatpants ended just under her knees, where the pink fabric from her pink tights appeared until disappearing into her Ugg boots.

I wonder what I would wear to cover up my leotard and tights, Tommy’s mind was completely absent from the car, I’d probably put on something similar after our class, but with my own style. Maybe short sweatshorts and some cute ankle boots. There’d be so many possibilities.

“Tommy?” he heard a voice coming from far away, “You still with us?”

“Just thinking… outfits… what goes with tights and leo’s…” Tommy muttered, still half dreaming.

“What was that?” Tommy suddenly recognized Katie’s voice and was suddenly pulled back into the real world.

“I uh… didn’t- wasn’t- I mean-” he stammered, feeling Katie giving him a questioning look.

Oh shit, his mind went into panic mode, I screwed up. Bad. Did she hear me mumble those humiliating things? Did she notice I was staring?

“Don’t even try with him,” before he could get answers to his questions, Valerie pulled Katie’s attention away from him, “Tommy’s suddenly not into ballet anymore, or anything fun I try to get him into for that matter. I think he might not like the people in ballet anymore either. Y’know. Us.”

“Oh,” Katie gave him one last curious look, before turning back to her friend, “Weird.”

“Right?” Valerie said, who couldn’t hide her frustration with Tommy anymore, “Ugh. You have no idea what it’s like to have such a fun cousin and then he just becomes so…”

Tommy would’ve said something to refute that, but a million different situations were playing out in his head, all of which ended with him full of embarrassment.

She let out a disheartened sigh, “Never mind. He doesn’t even seem to mind me saying that.”

“Oh, don’t torture yourself like that, Val,” Katie said, then quickly changed the subject, “C'mon, weren't you really enthusiastic about watching a movie together tonight?”

Tommy, still too afraid to make a sound, listened carefully as the conversation shift away from him. Only then he dared to start breathing again; Katie had the perfect opportunity to make Valerie feel better if she had told her about him fantasizing in the backseat.

That’s gotta mean she didn’t hear and doesn’t know, Tommy assured himself, but that wasn’t enough for his mind to stop imagining the worst-case scenarios. She could just be waiting for the right moment to tell her; when they’re in Valerie’s room, then the gossiping starts and Katie will have a hilarious story about me. The rumour will spread, they’ll tell everyone in town and then everyone will think I’m some sick creepy freak.

Tommy buried his sweating head in his hands, trying to keep himself from having a panic attack, when something about the girls’ conversation suddenly steered his mind away from alarm.

“…have to see you in that black dress you bought by the way,” he heard Katie say, “The pictures you sent don’t do it justice, I just know it. Your body compliments the outfit so well, like, you have no idea.”

Katie did a chef’s kiss and the girls both laughed. Tommy quickly looked away when he felt his fantasies coming up again, only to realize this time there was no feeling of desire coming with it; no longing feelings like in his normal dreams. Katie’s words just stung; made him feel bitter, yet he didn’t know why.

Feels like jealousy, he thought, but rolled his eyes at that. That’s ridiculous. What could I possibly be jealous of? Her black dress? I’ve seen that dress and have felt zero need to wear it. Their friendship? I have my own friends, and Katie is not that special.

Before he could find a fitting explanation for the jealous feeling, Valerie stopped the car.

“Home. Safe and sound,” she said with a smile, getting out of the car and walking toward her parents’ house. Tommy followed the girls inside, although he did not share their excitement for the hours to come.

Chapter 3

Tommy looked at the clock and was disappointed to find he still had to wait half an hour before his dad came to pick him up. He sat on the bed in the guest room he would always sleep in when spending the night at his aunt and uncle’s. Hearing the girls enjoying themselves downstairs with their movie had him feeling like an lonesome idiot. He lay down on the bed, not knowing what to do with himself, when his uncle appeared in the door opening.

“Knock, knock,” he said with a kind smile, “What are you sitting here all by yourself for?”

Tommy sat up and shrugged, “Was gonna study for-”

“On a Friday night?” his uncle laughed, “C’mon, you really think you can fool me that easily?”

That made Tommy laugh too; uncle Joel was the only one to actually call him out on his ridiculous lies.

“Shouldn’t you be watching the movie with the girls?” his uncle sat down next to him, “I thought Val would drag you with her on her little friend night.”

“Guess it’s just for her dance friends,” Tommy said, managing to hide the pain from not being invited.

“Come, come, Tommy. I know my daughter, and Val wouldn’t just drop you because you quit ballet. She has always loved hanging out with you, even before you were dancing. There’s something else going on here. You guys had a fight or something?”

Tommy looked to the floor, staying quiet. I can’t, he thought, what am I supposed to say? That I can’t open up to her because I’m plagued by thoughts of me as a girl telling me I’m not myself?

“You don’t have to talk about it if you really don’t want to,” his uncle broke the silence, “I’m not gonna force you. I just want you to feel better. And I’m worried about Val – girl’s got a hard exterior, but she’s hurting from this.”

He gave Tommy a pat on his back. “Either way, you can’t just sit here doing nothing. Your aunt told me she wants the dirty laundry from basket in the bathroom and whatever is lying around. So how about you get up and help out, huh?”

Tommy narrowed his eyes, “Are you trying to get me to do your housework for you?”

“Great! I knew I could count on you!” Uncle Joel walked out of the room laughing.

Better than doing nothing, I guess.

Tommy entered the bathroom, picked up the two towels Valerie and Katie had used after showering, and got ready to throw them on the pile of clothes in the laundry basket, before hesitating. Valerie had tossed her ballet attire in the basket, and now it sat on top, staring him in the face.

This is what you’ve been waiting for, a voice in his head said, just try it on quickly. No one will ever know.

He put the towels in the basket and held up the black leotard. It would fit; he had not yet outgrown his older cousin.

Don’t, an argument was forming in his head. If you do this, you’ll be the freak Katie probably thinks you are. You really want to prove her right?

Seeing the logic in that, he lowered the leotard back into the basket, but could not yet let go of it; he still felt the conflict inside of him.

You won’t be labelled as a freak just because you let yourself be curious, the first voice retorted, you know you can’t keep these feelings bottled up inside you forever. This could be a way to let out some of it. If you don’t like it, you’ll know for sure and you’ll never be curious again.

“I can’t,” Tommy said, despite strongly feeling he had to.

I’m not gonna wear my cousin’s dirty sweaty clothes, Tommy decided that was a rational enough reason and quickly put the outfit out of sight under the towels, so he couldn’t be tempted again.

So if it was clean, you would try it on?

Tommy ran out of the bathroom with the laundry basket, deciding it was best if he wouldn’t let himself be argued into a corner.

He got to the washing machine in the garage and emptied the laundry basket. His aunt was already there, leaning on the machine and looked up from her crossword puzzle with a smile.

“I see your uncle has once again found a way to escape the chores I give him,” she said, “I swear, that man has got to be the laziest in the country. Did he at least have a talk with you before he went back to doing nothing?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Tommy replied; he didn’t know how to feel about his aunt and uncle being worried about him.

“Well, I hope it helped a little,” his aunt looked into the washing machine, “I think Val forgot to put some of her stuff in the basket. You mind going back upstairs and bringing back anything lying around on the floor? She can be a bit of a slob sometimes.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

Valerie’s room was never clean, but there was something about it that had always captivated Tommy. The entire space felt like home, from the cosy side where her carpet lay and her closet stood, to the energetic side where her small ballet barre and her mirror were fastened to the wall above the laminate floor. Tommy saw himself in the mirror doing a small chassé, sliding to the other side of the room. He saw the big smile he used to give the audience on his face, which was replaced by a sad expression when he realized he wouldn’t get to anything like that again if he kept struggling with himself.

“It’ll get better,” he promised himself, “I’ll get back to dance again soon. I’m a smart guy; I can figure out what to do to make myself confident again.”

Sadly, his speech to himself didn’t do much to boost his spirits and he fell on Valerie’s bed with a defeated sigh. Feeling the soft bedspread under his head and body made him want to fall asleep right then and there and forget all about today, but he knew that wasn’t an option. He turned his head and got a turned view of Valerie’s closet, which she had apparently left open when she left this morning. The closet was black, which gave all the light-coloured clothes a fashionable touch. But the variety of clothes on the hangers wasn’t what caught Tommy’s attention, nor did the shelves with folded clothes. Instead, he was mesmerised by a small drawer at the bottom of the closet. One of the feet of a pair of her ballet tights was hanging out of it, probably from Valerie leaving in a hurry and quickly snatching a pair from the drawer. His eyes immediately darted towards a above shelf, where Valerie’s neatly folded leotards lay.

There’s a complete ballet uniform in this closet for you to try on, the voice in his head started up again, this time there’s no excuse; it’s clean and perfect for you.

He couldn’t resist; cautiously, he approached the closet, as if it could attack him at any second. Crouching down to the level of the drawer, he noticed his hands were trembling when he reached into it. He let out a sigh to calm himself down, but his heart kept racing. He looked back into the drawer with the pink pair of tights in his hands, which still had two pairs left in it. He was gonna have to fold it up in exactly the way those others were folded when he was done with this one, but he decided he could do that. His hands moved from the drawer up to one of the hangers and he felt the soft fabric of the leotard. It was the only leotard given a special spot to hang in the closet, and with good reason; it looked absolutely stunning, with its emerald colour, cap sleeves and black mesh pattern.

“I can’t. Not that one,” Tommy mumbled to himself; he couldn’t deny it was beautiful, but that leotard was custom made for Valerie’s birthday and she’d only wear it on her most confident days. Even if she would never find out, to try it on now just to find out what it feels like would feel so thoughtless, he didn’t know if he then could go back to being honest with her.

With that, he let go of the leotard and moved down to the shelf where the folded leotards lay. There were probably only three that he’d fit, along with some others that Valerie had outgrown, yet Tommy still found himself unable to pick one. He almost took all of them out to hold them up, but then noticed the collection of empty packaging at the back of the shelf, which Valerie apparently never threw away after taking the leotard out. Tommy grabbed one of them, hoping to find something that would make his decision easier to make. Inside of the sealed plastic was a piece of paper, with the leotard’s brand and material’s information on it and more importantly, an image of a woman wearing it. Tommy’s heart skipped a beat looking at her; he was admiring everything he saw, from the confidence she oozed in that picture to the outfit itself. He immediately decided this was the one; he wanted to look like her, and be just like her.

He put the piece of paper in his pocket, telling himself he’d put it back after he was done, even though he had no real intention to give back something she would probably not notice was missing. After making sure the door was closed and that nobody was approaching, he started undressing, throwing his clothes on the floor. He rolled up one of the legs of the tights and put his foot in it; he had worn tights designed for male dancers before, but feeling this soft fabric move up his leg had a different, much more uplifting sensation to it. The other leg was just as easy and also felt thrilling, but pulling the waistband over his hips and completely wearing the pink ballet tights multiplied that feeling by a hundred. He bent over with stretched legs so he could move his hands down his fabric-covered calves. It all felt the way he wanted it to; his legs and feet were where they belonged. Tommy didn’t hesitate and held the black leotard close to the floor so his feet could step into the two leg holes. He pulled it up over his torso and stuck his arms through the short capped sleeves. The mesh neckline baring a large part of his shoulders, chest and back would normally bother Tommy, but now it felt like something he was meant to have on.

This was it. He was wearing a ballet uniform, and it felt right.

He took a step so he could admire himself in the mirror and grinned. He thought he looked far from perfect in the outfit, but the taste of being a ballerina was heaven enough for him. He had to slowly let his hands go from his shoulders to where the leotard was replaced by the tights, to make sure it was real. When performing lifts in ballet, he held the same type of fabric in his hands, but feeling his own body underneath was different; it was like he was a completely new person. He grabbed Valerie’s dance bag to take out her ballet shoes, but immediately dropped it when he heard footsteps on the stairs. There was only a single pair of them and they sounded light, which told him it had to be one of the girls.

“Val, c’mon! You don’t have to finish all the movie snacks!" Katie’s voice yelled down after her footsteps stopped halfway up the stairs. Valerie yelled back something unintelligible, starting a friendly argument between the two, giving Tommy some time to maybe not be caught red-handed. He dashed out of the leotard and laid it out on the bed; he was gonna have to take time to neatly fold it. It was quite difficult to do with trembling hands, but he managed to put it back the way he found it. Despite having done it as fast as he could, he already heard Katie’s footsteps coming closer. There was no time left; he pulled his pants over the tights and threw on his T-shirt at a speed he didn’t know was possible. The door swung open before he had the chance to put on his socks; he was just going to have to play it cool and hope Katie wouldn’t look at his feet.

“Oh, hey,” Katie said, surprised to see him, but not freaking out like Tommy had feared, “What are you-”

“Oh, yeah, um, aunt asked me to pick up Valerie’s clothes from the floor,” he quickly replied, “To be cleaned, washed, um, y’know?”

Easy there, bud. Just act normal. You’re telling her the truth.

“Oh, okay.” Despite Tommy’s fumbling of his words, Katie didn’t seem to question any of it. She turned around and looked at the stairs to see if Valerie was coming, giving Tommy the opportunity to quickly slip on his socks without her noticing.

He let out a quiet sigh of relief as he started picking up pieces of clothing from the floor.

Not out of the woods yet, but at least I won’t be busted right away.

He continued gathering Valerie’s stuff and found himself looking at the clothes with a new attitude.

God, I’d love to just put this top on right now. It would feel amazing. And look good on somebody with the right body. If only I had that…

It surprised Tommy how easy that thought slipped into his mind; normally he’d fight his ‘weird’ thoughts, but he felt less conflicted now. Somehow, shortly trying on a ballet uniform had not put a stop to the dreams of a different life like he had hoped, but instead it made him hungry for more.

“Well, looks like that’s everything,” Tommy said to Katie, holding up the pile of clothes to prove that’s the only thing he came to do there.

“Yeah?” Katie tilted her head, “Did you get what you came in here for? All of it?”

“Sure did,” Tommy walked away, afraid he’d give something away if he stayed for a longer chat.

He passed Valerie on the stairs, who clearly had no need to speak to him.

“Hey Val?” Tommy himself was just as surprised as Valerie that he spoke; he was never the one to strike up a conversation, especially in the last few weeks. “I don’t have a lot of schoolwork this weekend. Wanna hang out?”

“I- maybe?” She was confused by his sudden change of character, and seemed hesitant to jump back into their friendship. “I’ll send you a message, I guess.”

As she ran further up the stairs, Tommy slowly walked downwards, still processing a boost of confidence out of nowhere.

Is because of me trying on the…? How would that even work? It was just a quick experiment.

Still perplexed by his own behaviour, he entered the garage where aunt Laurel was still doing her crossword. She didn’t seem to notice Tommy took much longer than necessary to pick up Valerie’s laundry.

“Amazing! And what timing! I think your dad’s walking up to the door as we speak.”

Already?! But I needed more time to quietly put back the tights! What if Val notices one of her pairs is missing?

“Um. Great. Yeah, great, um, I’ll get my stuff,” he said, sounding as calm and collected as he could.

He heard his uncle welcome his dad into the house, while he picked up his bag with school things from the hallway and pretended to make sure everything was in there. In reality, he was looking up the stairs at the door to Valerie’s room. He could hear the girls laughing, loudly enjoying their time in there; they weren’t planning on getting out any time soon.

Even if I took it off now and moved it without anyone noticing, if I’d put it anywhere in this house but in Val’s drawer, it’s gonna raise even more questions.

One part of him felt panicked by the enormous challenge of having to walk out of here still wearing the pink tights under his clothes, knowing he would have to hide this for a long time until he would get the chance to go to his aunt and uncle’s place, where he would have to put it back in Valerie’s closet without raising any suspicion by anyone in the house.
There was another part of him, however, that was jumping at the prospect of having the pink tights in his possession for another day or two. He could wear it for as long as he wanted, practice ballet in it in his own room as if he was just another ballet student preparing for class. As long as there wasn’t a risk of his parents walking in, of course.

“Alrighty then, let’s go,” he said in a cool voice, not letting his voice betray any of his emotions while he walked up to his father.

“Of course, don’t want to keep your mom waiting,” his dad said as he got ready to leave.

While his dad said goodbye to his aunt and uncle, Tommy quickly pretended to tie his shoes, so he could feel the fabric of the ballet tights wrapped around his legs.

“Still there,” he smiled.