Dancing on Daddy's Shoes

by Mark McDonald

Chapter 12: Time is getting close to the prom. Doubt is eating away at Kim's resolve. Where will uncertainty lead her? What choices does she still have left? What choices do any of them have?



Dancing On Daddy's Shoes - Chapter 12 - Abandon

Time is the enemy of all things. Mountains crumble with its ravages. Stars expire in a fiery display of cosmic pyrotechnics or they implode into vacuous black holes. Rivers cut great furrows in the once solid rock on which life gained its first foot hold. Each minute brings us all closer to the ultimate end. These things are never far from our minds as we meander through life trying to make the best choices we can, often finding out too late that irreversible mistakes had been made in the heat of any passionate moment.

Time also leaves us alone with the possible consequences of our decisions long before their impact is ever realized. These are the things Kim, as a woman, prone to worry as women are, was left to contend with deep in the night when she had no other companion to comfort her than that of her own words. The implications of remaining as she was now played out before her, love, marriage, pregnancy, children. Each thought, each scenario brought with it images of submission, of invasion, of a responsibility that she was still not accustom to facing as HER fate, her natural place in the order of the engendered world.

She was fraught with panic attacks that left her, at times, unable to breathe or believing she might be suffering a heart-attack. Doubt of her ability to remain as she was, trapped forever in this life crept into the high water mark of her heart, black, putrid swamp water, full of leaches, deadly to the spirit. Even the knowledge that returning to her life before this would send her father back to his grave could not keep the fear spiders from finding her in the night.

In between the night sweats and the self-doubt life rolled on, dragging them all along with it for the ride. Kim remained by Robert's side, in shifts, for three weeks intermittently relieving her mother from her self imposed night watch. Kim stayed with her father in the evenings, taking every available moment to be with him when she wasn't with Robert so her mother could get some rest.

After a week, Robert was stable enough to be moved to a private room.

By the end of the second week, Robert was conscious of what those around him were saying. He was told about his injury when his family and doctors felt he would be able to understand the nature of just how badly he was hurt. Before that, as he was becoming aware, they had simply told him he had been badly hurt in a fall and left out much of the details When the news was delivered, Kim was dashed to see the horrible disappointment that filled his still blood filled eyes. She had knelt beside his bed and begged him to forgive her.

The halo brace had prevented him from seeing her in her anguish as she knelt there weeping. This was probably best. It would have broken his spirit to see first hand what this was doing to her. Unable to speak clearly yet, he had fumbled with his damaged right hand until he located her chin. He then coaxed her to her feet, gently lifting up on her chin until she understood he wanted her to stand. He tired to position her where he could see her face, but the brace was almost always in the way of is field of vision. He began patting his chest with is good hand and pointing to Kim. He repeated this several times but Kim had no idea what he was trying to say. "I'm sorry Bobby. I don't understand."

Robert added a gesture as their father entered the room. He slapped feebly at his chest as before, made a fist and swung it around as best he could and then pointed to Kimberly. "Yes Bobby. I know you want to kill me, I don't blame you." Robert growled in frustration, looking desperately to his father.

"I think he's trying to tell you that it was his job to protect you." Robert held his one good hand out flat, outstretched to his father as if to say, Thank you, it's about fucking time!

"Not like this Bobby. I'm just sorry. I should have gone to the store with you. I should have known Kirk was…" As she professed apologies on him again, Robert once more began to wave his fist around and point to her. "I know you think it was your job to protect me…"

Tom put his hand on her shoulder to stop her. "Uh, no Princess," Tom advised, "Now he's saying, if you don't shut up he's going to kill you." Robert made the same hand gesture as before to his father. Tom hooked his pinky finger in Robert's, they shook once, each made a fist, bumped knuckles and then acted as if nothing had happened. Tom sat and watched the news. Robert tried to nap as best he could. Kim could only stare gape mouthed at the nuances of a world to which she was now denied entry, the world of father and son.

Kim was in with her friend Sarah for the first week or so. They talked on the phone, exchanged news on Robert's condition, condolences and well wishes from friends at school. According to Sarah, there were no real hard feelings toward Kim as far as she could see.

Tom's younger brother, Phillip came for a two day visit. Cindy's twin sister Margaret came for support but had to leave and care for her own family after only one day.

Friends continued to call, concerned about both Kim and Robert. Eventually, the flowers and cards dwindled to a trickle. Kim kept their friends at school informed through Sarah. There was still much of the familiar banter between the two. Talk was comfortable until the subject of Ben came up. Sarah visited twice. Each time she brought sandwiches for the family. She had sat and talked with Kim, nibbled at a few chips and mostly talked about the gossip at school.

On the first visit, Kim asked how Ben was doing, if Sarah had been keeping an eye on him and Sarah confirmed that she had been. The news was that some of the guys at school were a little angry at Ben about Kirk. Sarah figured it was easier for some of them to be mad at Ben than at Kim or Kirk. "I think some of these people would have been mad at him if he'd just been standing around close by when it all happened," Sarah had confided. "But he's been really sweet. He doesn't pay any attention to it. I guess it's all that conditioning from years of abuse."

On the second visit however, Sarah seemed to deliberately avoid the subject of Ben. Kim was finally able to coax out just a smidgen of information. Ben was good. Most everyone was leaving him alone and that was really about it. During the conversation, Sarah refused to meet Kim's eyes, instead digging for change in her purse for a soda or some other such thing until the subject was closed. When they parted, Kim couldn't help but feel that Ben had been too much of a responsibility for poor Sarah.

The fact was that Sarah was a rich kid. She came from a family of rich kids, generations of them. Her father, Harvard Beckock was a successful business man and a member of 100 Black Men of Middle Tennessee, an off shoot of the organization 100 Black Men of Atlanta.

Sarah was well bred, beautiful and smart. She was also pampered. Still she had few dates because her father insisted on approving of all her dates prior to being allowed to go out with anyone. Sarah had once lamented to Kim that an interview with her father must be as difficult as military induction, prosecution for murder, a job interview with Donald Trump and selection for Sainthood by the Catholic Church. "I fully expect to be single until I'm 65." Sarah had groused bitterly.

Ben's poverty was so overwhelming it was more than Ben could deal with. It was just an uncomfortable situation for some to have to confront in person. Kim suspected that Sarah was just that kind of person.

Soon however, even Sarah stopped coming by. Like it or not, life went on and no matter how you looked at it, hospitals were not the venue of the living. Kim was too focused on Robert's recovery to worry too much about Sarah's absence. She needed a handle on just how well he was going to get. A part from her own misgivings concerning her "condition", Robert's recover was an enormous burden she could not shake. He recovered some of his voice during beginning of his third week. Here, Robert hit the wall.

Beyond additional healing of his scars and what bruising was left, there was not much else that could be done for him until he was well enough for his surgery. Physical therapy could not start until his leg was healed and his bone graphs to his neck were complete and healed.

With that, all there was left was to wait. By that time unfortunately, Kim only had six days left to change her mind and stop the torment.

-*-

Ben, on the other hand, had come full circle. With Kim's decree that she could not bring herself to once more consign her father to the ground, Ben found himself once more locked in the position of being relegated to the status of unwanted.

We've all seen them. Perhaps some of us have been them. In adulthood this status often changes to what we make of it. But in school, we are cast in the harsh molten mold of how others see us and want us to be, especially in the glaring light of their vast numbers.

He walked alone though the lunchroom the after his conversation with Kim at the hospital. In his hands was a lunch tray. On it sat his meager provisions, the minimum one meal nutritional requirement as specified by the Great State of Tennessee. It was a gift of sorts, something politicians nation wide allocated to underprivileged children of their districts to give everyone the illusion that their benevolent Senators and Congressmen cared deeply about their constituents. The contents of Ben's only regular mean had been hashed out in heated debate by Tennessee law makers over a seafood buffet, salmon flown in from Alaska, lobster from Maine, prawns from the North Pacific, and an assortment of scallops and oysters from Florida and the Carolina's. All of which was provided happily by the taxpayers of a grateful nation.

On the far side of the school cafeteria was a lonely, isolated set of tables where the less functional, the less accepted sat in relative safety from the movers and shakers of the schools general population. Andy McGilfey, also known as Filthy McGilfey was there. An unfortunate child with a perspiration and pimple plague so terrible, he was almost always greasy with sweat, even in the coolest of temperatures.

Mary Cotton, a girl with mild autism was there, sitting alone, isolated not only by her disorder, but also by the unaccepted children of the social pecking order. She was prone to what seemed to be angry bursts of aggression when confronted or cornered. These were, in fact, neurological storms. Electrical bursts of energy produced by a brain that could not properly channel that energy appropriately. Nearly every one except Ben called her "Rotten Mary Cotton".

Another boy, Bobby Lutz was a victim of Ben and Kimberly's little paradox. In Tim's world, Lutz had been a handsome, long haired, charismatic boy. Good with small talk, popular with the girls, Bobby never seemed to be without a girl on his arm. He was the son of a landscaper and he helped out in the family business after school and weekends.

Here however, Bobby had fallen victim to a gasoline flashover while fueling one of his father's industrial sized lawn mowers. For two years he suffered through painful skin grafts that left him horribly disfigured. "Hey Bob," Ben said as he sat down, setting his tray down across the table from the human scar others referred to as Burnt Bob.

Bob looked up, the scars of his many surgeries on his neck straining like mighty cables on a suspension bridge. He smiled a perfectly horrible smile that made Ben want to flee. He didn't though, nor did he avert his eyes like so many others. "Hey Ben. How's Kimberly?"

"Saw her yesterday. She's good. Her brother though…" Ben trailed off, unable to finish.

"Yeah, I heard." Burnt Bob paused for a moment, "You guys still going to the prom?"

"Naw." It was all the information Ben offered.

"Oh," Bob said simply. Bob was keenly aware how people like himself and Ben were treated, how rejection felt in the face of such unlikely fortune. Bob let the conversation end there, unwilling to pour salt in Ben's open wound by pursuing the matter further. Few of the kids spoke to one another, their outcast status driving their faces to their plates as they ate, unwilling to risk the danger of being called out, even among themselves. This section of the lunchroom was called The Island of Misfit Toys by most. Even so, for 45 minutes, they could enjoy peace and freedom from the unknown of everything else in between. This almost made it seem worth the terrible moniker.

"Hi Ben," a sweet, soft voice said from behind him. For a moment, he thought it was Kim and Ben spun around to see. But it wasn't Kim. It was Sarah Becklock, Kim's best friend.

"Ah… hi Sarah."

"Kim called last night," Sarah began, a little nervously, "said you went to see her."

"Yeah. She's doing real good."

Sarah stood uncomfortably with her tray and an awkward pile of books beneath that, patiently. "She puts on a good front I think. I'm pretty sure it got to her, though. I just don't think she knows it yet."

"I sure hope not."

"Me too," Sarah agreed. Oddly, Sarah didn't leave. She stood right there expectantly waiting for something Ben could not fathom. When the silence between them became uncomfortable, she asked, "Can I sit down?"

"Wha… Oh sure. Sorry," Ben fumbled quickly to clear a space for her and Sarah sat down gracefully. Beneath her tray were three geometry books for her next class. Ben carefully took the books from her, setting them aside. Ben was acutely aware of the stares that Sarah's presence on The Island were beginning to earn. Several of the Misfits began to move stealthily away in anticipation of an ambush attack.

"Geometry, I hate it." Sarah complained as she began to pick at her food, a plate that was decidedly different from Ben's.

"Geometry's a snap. Need some help?" It was precisely the answer she had hoped for. It had come much faster than she had expected though.

"I wouldn't want to impose." Sarah said coyly.

"Please…" Ben pushed a side his tray, not really interested in the canned corn, too small buttered roll and state issued fish sticks. He pulled the books closer and said, "Where are you having trouble?"

For the next 30 minutes Ben conducted a hastily tutoring session that had more useful information in it than the last six months of class had been for Sarah. This was an unexpected bonus considering that she had used it as merely an excuse to introduce herself formally to Ben. Bob and the other so called misfits sat and listened as the two vanished into a world where only existed.

At the bell, Ben picked up Sarah's books and offered to carry them to her next class. Old fashioned, yes, but still a useful ploy when experience is missing. Sarah however, didn't seem in a hurry to push him away and Ben basked in the warm, soft light of what felt like true human kindness.

With in a week Sarah and been had become close friends. He even began accepting rides to and from school from her, choosing to swallow his pride and admit his shame to be with her. Sarah saw no shame in this at all and greeting him enthusiastically with a smile each morning.

Slowly things changed for Ben in that week. He began to become accepted in the other social circles of the school. People began to talk to him, engaging him in the hall on his way to class. It amounted to nothing more than a few well placed niceties, but it was refreshing for Ben to here, "Hey Ben, how ya doing?" or "Yo," followed by a passing handshake. On the order of how kids are seen in the hallowed halls of high schools across the country, this was a clear indication that Ben was no longer considered an outcast.

It wasn't long before Ben and Sarah were seen together all the time between classes. The hand holding began a week and a half after Sarah approached him. At first Ben was self-conscious about it. But Sarah was patient. She understood that this was new territory for Ben and her soothing confidence evened the rocky road for Ben's previously injured self-esteem until he was confident enough in him self to be more aggressive in his desire for her. She found Ben funny. He was a vast departure from her cultured world of Southern grace, formal cotillions and lawn socials. He had an edge upon which she wanted very badly to open herself.

If Ben had these things, it was a mystery to him.

Within two weeks, she had encouraged him enough to let her take him shopping. The plan was to get him spiffed up to meet Harvard Becklock, Sarah's father. Sarah had struck more than just a passing fancy on Ben. She had somehow taken Kim's request to watch over him as an opportunity to get to know him, and had managed to be swept away by Ben.

Even when Sarah eventually persuaded her father to meet Ben, he was able to make a very positive impression on Mr. Becklock. He was invited to dinner and the customary Spanish Inquisition interview her father gave all prospective dates. Harvard was surprised to find Ben was causation. He was even more surprised that Ben was the son of their local neighborhood bad boy, Abs Ackerman. But Ben's easy temperament around Sarah had transformed him from a bumbling, shy, nervous wreck, to a calm, articulate and intelligent conversationalist.

While Ben didn't aim to impress Harvard, his goal was to simply get through the meal without making a fool of himself. By the end of the evening the two were talking like old friends. Ben's friendly, almost innocent demeanor had begun to convince Sarah's father that he might actually be a thoughtful, polite young man cast in an unwilling and unfair mold. Ben further impressed Harvard by insisting to take the bus home. He had not wanted Sarah in his neighborhood after dark. Sarah insisted and Harvard eventually intervened, driving Ben home himself. On the way there, Harvard and Ben had a small heart to heart.

"You know Ben, I feel the need to be frank with you. I don't care where you come from. Hard circumstances don't necessarily make a bad person."

"Thank you Sir. I think I understand what you're about to say."

"You do?"

"Yes Sir. I think you're about to tell me my family has a history, a rather ugly one."

"Since we're on the subject…" Harvard admitted.

"I wish we didn't. My mother is a decent person Mr. Becklock. It's my Dad that has the history. I'm not like him. I'm not going to be like him. I hope I can prove that to you."

"Me too son. Sarah means the world to me. You can understand my concerns, can't you?"

Ben was thoughtful for a moment, he then admitted, "Yes Sir, I think I can."

They drove along in silence. Ben pointed out the broken down duplex apartment building where he lived and Harvard pulled his Lexus over. "Ben, I was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you too Sir," returned Ben. He opened the door and began to step out, when he stopped. Turning in his seat, Ben said, "Mr. Becklock. If you don't want me to continue to seeing Sarah, I understand. I can't say that I'd like it much, but I know you love her. I love her too. If it's in her best interest that we not be together, then I'll back off."

Harvard extended his hand and Ben took it. They shook, "Let's see how things go first Ben. She likes you a lot. I've been on the wrong side of prejudice before, it's an ugly thing. I hope I've learned something from my experiences. I'd hate to think that I'm not smarter than I was 20 years ago. You just remember that she's my little girl. She always will be."

"I think I can do that," Ben confided, "Thank you Sir. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Ben." With that, Ben got out and closed the door. Harvard watched Ben as he vanished through the door of his apartment shaking his head. Of all the people his daughter could have chosen to become involved with, Ben had to have been the most unlikely character he could have ever imagined her falling for. She was rarely wrong in her assessment of people. Sarah had a gift there, no doubt about it, but Ben Ackerman, how odd.

-*-

Kim returned to school after three weeks with four days left before the prom. Her parents decided this when Kimberly began talking in her sleep. While they could not make out exactly what she was saying, they could imagine it must be the tortured soul of a young girl being forced to grow up too quickly for her own good.

On the few times they intruded to listen as she slept, all they were able to discern were garbled mumblings and one terrified yelp. Something of a more normal existence, something other than sitting with her crippled brother each and every day might distract her, just a little, from the train wreck that their lives had become.

It was true, she was upset at night. Her father was the barrier that was preventing her from restoring Robert to his former glory. But she couldn't tell him that any more than she could tell him that in another life, she had been his youngest son, Timothy. She couldn't say, You died in a plane crash… then this man, a magician really, he gave me this mask. I became your daughter…see I used to be your son, Tim and then… What? Why are you looking at me that way? It happened, I swear!

She could only confide that she worried endlessly about her brother. This was certainly true for all of them, but Kim was also racked with uncertainty. Her brother's future was at stake here as was Ben's to some degree. She was the key to something much better for each of them. This was something she didn't want the responsibility for.

She had to some how stop the torment in her head before it drove her crazy. The decision she had made with Ben was one she feared she might not be able to live with. Time was her enemy and there was precious little of it. Soon, the clock would make that choice. Then, like it or not there would be no second chances.

The construct is far more complex than can be expressed in plain words. In a very real sense, the responsibility for her family's health as well as who and what they all became, now rested solely on Kim's shoulders. Each of its other members were blissfully unaware that the real head of the household was its junior member. It was a burden too large, too cumbersome for a girl of sixteen to carry alone.

Every so often, mild panic would rise inside of her and she would have to excuse herself and walk it off. Permanency, the idea that there were no more choices and she would have to live with the consequences of her decision was almost more than she could bear. She was uncertain if she could actually live happily as a female in spite of what that meant for everyone else in her life.

She gave real thought to the idea of trying to reverse her decision. Let Ben take her to the dance but not remove the mask. She could always make that choice later down the road, couldn't she? There was the little matter of all things that get in the way at times, promises that must be made in the course of everyday living. These things could trap her while she sat around trying to choose just as easily as her promise to go to the prom with Ben had. Apathy eventually takes control of all things. Routine makes us careless and comfortable that we have mastered the moment. One slip, one promise could lock the mask back on for a month, a year, God for bid; a decade. In the space between, if Ben died or moved away, wouldn't she be just as trapped?

The real question in her mind as she fought with herself was Who do I throw off the cliff?

The answer that almost always came back was Ahhh, that my dear girl is the question of the century.

These thoughts began to develop into a sort of plan. It was an idea that held hope of giving her enough time to see what the future would bring to either of her worlds and to choose, if she had to, a life that would be the best suited for her wants. With the Prom only days away, she readied herself, even taking time to let her father purchase a dress for the event. Just in case.

Kim had not stopped to consider why Ben had been conspicuously absent since she informed him of her decision. She was confident that she could convince him to take her. This was Ben after all. She was what he had gotten into this for in the first place.

But Tom knew Kim had unwittingly cut him, deeply. Tom suspected that it would take a lot to get Ben to reveal his wound to Kim again. If he were to do such a thing, how likely was it that she might cut him yet again in that same as of yet, unhealed gash? Tom couldn't say. Telling Kim might brace her for the disappointment; it might just as well submerge her in an even deeper funk.

The day she returned, the air was bright and clear. Summer was on the breeze, but the mornings were still cool in mid May in the mountains, but that would soon give way to days of still air and oppressive heat. Southern thunderstorms call frog stranglers in these parts would batter them once the heat of the day had had its way, leaving only steamy, thick humidity in its wake. For now however, the days were still nice. What little snow they had gotten in the winter was long gone and the landscape was rich with green and vibrant life.

Kim stood on the steps of the large red brick building as students passed her, eyeing her cautiously as they passed her on their way to class. Few said anything, unsure of exactly what to say. Everyone knew what had happened. News such as that in a tight-knit community as theirs did not remain unknown by all for long. Everywhere, kids stopped her and told her they were all praying for her brother's speedy recovery.

Kim made her way awkwardly back into a realm she once ruled, one step at a time, pensive and a little frightened. Half way up the stairs, she caught sight of the back of Ben's head moving towards the open school doors. Beside him was a young dark skinned girl, wearing a pink girl's sleeve T and pink short shorts, held up by a white vinyl belt. The girls hair flounced as she happily bounced impossibly close to Ben. Kim's eyes followed the lengths of their bodies down and found the two were connected together at the hands.

Kim gasped, staggering backward a step, light headed and disbelieving. Ben's holding Sarah's hand… For a brief moment she was so happy for him. An enormous smile broke on her face.

Then the business at hand struck her as hard as a blow to the stomach. "Oh no…" Her smile faded into something more closely resembling blind panic. Instead of bounding toward them, she used every athletic skill to catch them before they vanished into the crowd. When she entered the school he was not where she thought he might be. She stood, trying to peer through the moving wall of bodies as best she could. Kim was petite, seeing for great distances in the hall was a Herculean task for someone of her diminutive stature. "Excuse me." Kim said trying to make her way past her fellow students to home room where she knew he would be. There in the hallway was a large banner in school colors hanging from the ceiling that read,

! WELCOME BACK KIMBERLY !

She didn't even see it.

Ben and Sarah however did see it. They stood directly beneath it, both staring up at it in dumbfounded dismay. Their hand still locked together, their mouths open, each of them stock still.

"Did you know she was coming back?" Ben asked without looking away from the banner. He received no answer except for a terrified look from his companion. When he finally looked away from the banner, he could see the genuine concern on Sarah's face, "What are you so worried about?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because I never said anything to her about you, about us."

"Is that your job?" Ben asked.

"It's someone's job. Someone has to tell her, who do you think that should be?" Sarah sounded terrified.

"I'll do it," volunteered Ben. "It won't be a big deal. Believe me. It'll be Okay," Ben assured. "Bell's about to ring. I'll see her in home room. I'll tell her then. We'd better get going." Sarah nodded unsure. Looking at her frightened, doe like eyes, Ben found it impossible to have any confidence that everything was going to be Okay, "Stop looking so worried," he tried to encourage her without much luck.

She leaned in and kissed Ben softly. "Hey guys!" The sound of Kim's voice gave them both a terrible start. They jerked as if high tension wires had fallen on them, smashing their foreheads with a painful, meaty Thock. Both Ben and Sarah turned slowly, rubbing their heads in unison. "Ah, Christ!" Ben complained. "What in the…" When he saw Kim standing there, only four feet away, he suddenly understood, It's not going to be Okay.

Sarah leaned over, still holding her forehead and whispered, "I thought you were going to tell her?" Ben shook his head imperceptibly at the suggestion. At that Sarah pushed him forward a step, volunteering him for duty. "Tell her…" she hissed.

"Ah, hi Kim!" Ben said sheepishly.

"So what's up?" Kim asked. The suspicion in her voice was plain t hear.

Ben stared a second or two longer. Then his head dipped and his eyes closed. He took a deep breath and began to speak. "It's like this Kim. Sarah and I... we sorta fell in love." Ben turned his head and fumbled clumsily for Sarah's hand. He pulled her forward, beside him for strength before looking into Kim's eyes. When he did however, he wished immediately that he hadn't.

Kim's face was crestfallen. It was the saddest he'd ever seen anyone except for his mother. It dashed his heart on thin steel blades, cutting it open with a glance from her watery blue eyes. "Kim… please…"

"We were going to tell you Kimberly," Sarah pleaded, trying to reassure her friend and protect Ben at the same time. "We just didn't know…"

Kim held up her hand. She turned her head to the side and stared up at the ceiling, a maneuver Ben had seen before when Kim was overwhelmed. "I have to get to class." She left them there with those words hanging between them. They watched her dash off, her petite body soon swallowed by the river of students as they ebbed their way to wherever the current was taking them.

The stood silently for a moment until Ben finally said, "That seemed to go well."

Sarah slapped him in the chest for being an insensitive oaf. "That's mean Ben."

"What?" he cried. "What did you want me to say?"

"She obviously still cares about you." Now Sarah was getting upset. "I stole my best friend's boyfriend. Oh my God. You told me you two were just friends!"

"We ARE just friends! I swear!" Ben was desperate suddenly. He could see something he wanted, something he needed slipping away before his very eyes. The worst part was he didn't even know why.

"Then why is she so upset?" Sarah wanted to know. Ben though he knew, but that damnable mask and its curse wouldn't let him say so. Kim had had some sort of change of heart. That could be the only reason she would have been upset to see Sarah with him the way they were. "I was never her boy friend. If she ever felt that way Sarah, I didn't do anything to lead her to think so. Not once." Sarah was not convinced. "Did you ever see us in the halls together?"

"Once," Sarah spat.

"Yeah, she was busy saving my life from Kirk the Jerk. But beyond that, did you ever see her with me, at all?" Sarah thought about it. "Come on Sarah, you're her best friend. Did she ever mention me at any time to you?'

This previously undiscovered bit of logic seemed to bright her mood a trifle. "No," Sarah sniffled, "she didn't."

"Don't you think that if she liked me… you know, as her boyfriend she would have told you, I don't know, weeks ago?" Ben continued to argue. "I know you girls well enough to know that you guys talk about everything!"

Sarah turned and looked in hard in the eye. "Ben, tell me the truth. Do you like her, even a little bit?"

"Sarah, that's not fair. She's a friend of mine. She has been for a long, long time. If I answer the question that way, I'd be lying."

"Okay then, do you like her… that way. Do you love her?"

Ben smiled the most tender smile Sarah could remember ever seeing before on a man's face. If he had said nothing, she would have believed he loved only her. "No Sarah. I don't love her. And she doesn't love me. I don't know why she's acting that way. But I'm going to find out."

The last bell rang loud and alarming all around them. They were late for homeroom. For the first time in his life, Ben wasn't worried about being late. He had Sarah locked firmly in his heart. His father had not been home in weeks and without saying it, both he and Susan hoped he had died of a drug overdose someplace. Maybe he was in jail, either way, to say it out loud might summon the demon, so they remained quietly hopeful. Ben's life was different. The old man had been right about that. The mask had sure changed a lot of things. For Ben, everything that had gone before in either life was well worth the sacrifice he had made to have Sarah.

Sarah smiled a coy smile, "Okay Ben. But don't hurt her."

"I don't want to Sarah. Please believe that. But I love you. She's never had any feelings for me. If something's happened to change that, then…" Sarah eyed him carefully, "I'll explain it gently to her. She'll understand."

Sarah stood looking into his eyes for a moment longer. She then kissed him, drawing away with a gentle smile on her lips. "Okay, take me to class, Sir Knight!"

Ben whinnied wildly, holding his hands as if he held the reigns of a mighty white steed, and began to gallop away, Sarah in tow laughing, her arm curled into his. Several other straggling students stopped and stared confused as the two fled on imaginary equestrian mounts.

-*-

Kim approached the door of her homeroom class a few minutes before the bell rang and poked her head in, "Welcome back Kim," Mrs. Harper offered, "I know we all hope you're doing well."

"Thank you," Kim offered timidly. As she took her seat and organized her books for the next class, the last bell rang and the classroom formalities began.

"Well," Mrs. Harper offered, "Come on in." Kim obliged reluctantly. Her spirit seemed broken. It was no wonder, Mrs. Harper thought, having to cope with what she had and her family had been put through recently. Mrs. Harper gave Kim's family troubles not much more thought than this. She had a class to run, students to account for. "Okay, roll call. Ben Ackerman?"

There was no answer, "Ben?" She looked up over her glasses to Ben's usual chair, but it was empty. "That's funny," she muttered.

"Ah, he's here Mrs. Harper," Kim volunteered. "I saw him in the hall."

Harper acknowledged this with a nod and continued with the roll. "Christina Atkins?"

"Here," called out a small voice from the back of the room.

Ben strolled in a few moments later. "Sorry," he apologized.

"Have a seat Mr. Ackerman." Ben did as directed, keenly aware that Kim's sad eyes were on him the whole way. He met her stare twice, but found he could not shake the feeling that he had somehow betrayed her.

As the roll call commenced, Kim turned and glanced at Ben and he seemed to sense this by blushing heavily. The tension was even felt by the other kids who had spent all year with them here in this class. Soon, everyone's attention was on Ben and Kim and their on again off again glancing.

Quickly, just before the bell for first period, Kim scratched out a note, labeled "Ben" and shoved it into Gale King's hand. "Pass it to Ben," Kim whispered. Gale nodded and passed the note to the next person in the chain. When Ben got it, he unfolded it and read it.

Meet me in the hall after homeroom.

K.

Ben looked and nodded. Kim sighed quietly. It was all that could be done for the moment. She sat for the remainder of the period, pretending to listen to the daily announcements.

Ben sat closest to the door and was out as soon as the bell rang. Kim gave her characteristic growl in frustration, gathered her books hastily and raced after him. In the hall, she looked desperately around but she could not find him. "God damn it Ben," she muttered, disappointed.

"What?" It was Ben, leaning against the wall behind her, the one place she had not looked.

She spun, her face dark and cloudy only to find Ben, his back against a bank of lockers, his face flat, hiding what he was thinking. Kim wanted to be careful. There was something at work for Ben that had never been part of his equation before. She slapped on a pretty smile and said, "Hi Ben,"

"Welcome back. How's your brother?"

Kim was anxious to dodge the pleasantries and get to the point. It felt to her as if the next four days were now suddenly counting down to the next four hours. "He's good" Kim checked herself, "Well, he's not good. I mean, he's better. He's doing better, thanks."

"And you?"

"Ah," she fudged as she pushed the toe of her sneaker around on the carpet, unable to meet Ben's gaze. "That's really what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh?"

Kim stepped forward, her hand out as if to touch him. Ben sidestepped her and Kim recoiled, choosing to wrap her books back up close to her chest. "Yeah, I need a favor Ben."

"What kind of favor?"

"I want you to go ahead and take me to the prom," Kim said this as casually as, 'I'd like a tuna on rye if you don't mind, no mayo please.'

Ben's eye's bugged out at her, "You WANT me to go ahead and…"

"Yes Ben, take me to the prom. I don't wan the mask off. But I want the chance to decide. I think I deserve that much. Too many people are involved, their futures their lives…"

"Yeah," Ben agreed, "One of those lives is mine. Another life involved here is Sarah's. And you're telling me that you want the right to decide if the rest of us are worth continuing? Am I getting all this?"

Kim shifted her weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably looking at the floor. Staring into Ben's eyes was harder than she imagined it would be. "No Ben, that's not what I'm saying."

"Then what is it you're saying exactly? Because if you decide you don't want the mask on anymore, for whatever reason, taking it off will simply cancel the rest of us. You're aware of that aren't you?"

"Yes," Kim said humbly. "Well, sort of. I mean, it's not like you'll be…"

Ben scrutinized his friend closely. "Who do you think you are?"

This stab pierced the very heart of the question and Ben was sorry he had asked it when Kim was done with him. "I'm a girl that never existed before. If you remember correctly, you made me Ben. I've been stuck here like this for weeks. My brother is crippled for life. He won't be able to do the one thing he's always loved, why? Because he was trying to protect me from someone else whose life is ruined because I exist."

"And your Dad?"

"I know…" The frustration was getting the best of her, "I'm sorry Ben. I'm scared." She tried to shake it off and get to the point. "Look, Ben I can keep using the mask to come here and see my Dad and to go home and let Bobby have his life!"

Ben's face was a study in shock. "How does that work for the rest of us Kim? You can't just jerk people's lives around, in and out of reality that way." Kim looked to Ben as if she hadn't even thought of this as a factor in her considerations.

She looked sheepishly away from him and didn't answer. "Jesus Kimberly, think about this for a second, there are people that don't even exist anymore because of what we did."

Kim dipped her head, "I know… All I'm asking for his the choice. If you don't do this for me it will be too late in a couple of days. We won't have any choice in it at all."

"What about me Kim? What about Sarah and what we want?" Ben asked.

"It's a high school fling Ben, really," Kim said as if stating the obvious. "I've had a few, they don't last. It's not like the two of you are going to get married."

"Just how in the hell do you know what's going to happen with us?" Ben argued back angrily, struggling to keep his voice down. Ben no longer wanted to talk. He was rapidly becoming torn between doing what he felt would be morally right which was giving Kim the opportunity to regain her former life if she felt so inclined or keeping what he'd found here with Sarah.

He was quiet for a while. Around them the halls of the school began to clear out. He paced back and forth between the rows of lockers on either side of him. Kim watched anxiously, waiting for him to break the silence.

When she could stand it no longer, she asked in a quiet voice, "Ben?"

He spun on her, startling her, "No God damn it! No. I'm taking Sarah to the prom. It's already arranged."

She was silent, shocked and heart broken. Ben saw this pain reflected back at him in her eyes and he softened his approach just a little. "Kim," now it was Ben's turn to hedge, "You know, since we talked the last time- A lot of things have happened." Kim seemed to focus her full attention on Ben's eyes.

Kim began to tear up, shaking her head gently in denial, no longer looking at Ben. "No Ben, you can't take Sarah."

"Yes I can. You blew me off remember?"

"I was confused. Hell, I'm still confused," Kim admitted with watery eyes.

"I'll say," Ben added sarcastically.

"You don't have to be mean to me Benjamin," Kim snapped. "I'm scared. My only chance to get this unlocked is almost here. Don't take it off… I can't do anything about that without you anyway. Nothing will change unless you agree to do it. Not yet anyway. I just need the option open to me if I decide I can't stay here like this."

"Everything will change Kim. Sarah will not understand if I take you to the prom instead of her. I wouldn't understand it for that matter," Ben admitted running his fingers through his hair in frustration. "It's too late for that now Kim. It's just too fucking late."

Kim backed up a few steps. "You owe me that much Ben. I'm suck like this because of you in the first place."

"Okay, hold on" Ben said, letting the first defensive posture hit him since their meeting had begun.

Kim didn't hold on thought, "I'm a frightened sixteen year old girl." She stepped forward into his space menacingly. "I had this friend who wanted to go to the prom and change his life, so here I am. What happens to me when the prom is over Ben? You'll grow up and move out. Your life will go back to something it was supposed to be. I'll still be stuck like this, and so will Bobby. I didn't do this Ben. You could at least give me the option to choose!"

"No Kim. I'm not the only one out here changing reality, not anymore. What about all the people here that won't exist if we change things back?" Ben asked.

"The same thing would have happened if you had taken it off when I asked you to the first time Ben. I don't have any control over that!" Kim shot back angrily. "You brought me here Ben."

"You're trying to cheat death Kim," Ben said leveling a finger in her direction. "This isn't about you or me. You're trying to cheat death. The problem you're having is that each time you try to compensate for something that's equalized itself, you think it's something else that you need to manipulate. You can't cheat death Kim. I'm going to die, you're going to die. We're all going to die someday. You can't stop that." Ben paused not knowing if what was left to say needed to be, then said it anyway, "So will your Dad. He'll die again, no matter what you try to do about."

"That's not at all what I'm trying to do," Kim insisted, but the conviction that had so powerfully carried her voice just moments ago was gone.

There was a long pause as the warning bell rang. "Have you ever thought that life, the world, everything is just trying to get back to where it was before we started screwing around with it? Maybe now other people are being slipped into those places in life where hardship had claimed others to make up for the imbalance. Who the hell are we to start shifting things around all over again?"

"Ben, I'm not saying…" Kim began desperately, but Ben stopped her dead in her tracks.

"I'm sorry Kim. I think you'd better get used to the way things are."

Ben began to walk away and Kim chased him down, grabbed him by the sleeve and spun him around to face her. "That's it? Get used to it? You're just going to make me stay like this? You can't do that Ben."

"Yes I can Kim." Ben corrected. "All I have to do is not take you to the prom. Something you didn't want me to do anyway." Kim began to tremble before him. He had her. There was nothing she could do about this. Yet she found she couldn't be entirely mad at him either. Hadn't she in effect told him that she had no intention of letting him take the mask off her? That wasn't much of a choice at all for Ben was it? She asked herself. He was trapped in a much worse life than she was stuck with. How could she expect him to be understanding, especially now that he had someone to stay for? Only then could she see how rapidly the tables had turned on her.

Now that painfully tight shoe was on her foot and she had no way to take it off without Ben's help. She would not be allowed to change things. Ben simply wasn't going to help her. Now, a much different Ben Ackerman looked down on her from his place in the Kingdom of Manhood and had laid down the rule. It was a rule that she couldn't change. She had no choice but to obey it.

"I have to go to class Kim. I'm sorry." He turned and left her standing there. There were several students looking at her as Ben walked off. They must know about Sarah. Now I've come back and started causing trouble again. First Kirk, now Ben… Oh boy, it's not going to be easy being me for a while.

Again, her inner bitch spoke up, Look on the bright side, you have the rest of your life to get it right.

Kim had to fight to keep her face from falling apart with the fear and sorrow of the moment.

Behind her, Kim didn't see Ben meet up with Sarah. Smiling, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek as he walked her to her next class.

-*-

Abs returned from his mountain cabin on the Wednesday before the Prom. He told no one he was coming. He didn't go home to execute a long over due family beating. He didn't want to be seen or recognized at all.

In the days just prior to returning after nearly 4 weeks away, he had carefully taped and reviewed all the available news on his son's involvement. From what Abs had been able to gather, he had gotten his ass kicked and ratted out the interested parties. Not nearly the impressive stance against Evil the news had made it out to be. Still, it could be a portent of things to come. Between the two of them, Abs intended to be the one to persevere.

The situation for Abs was entirely too delicate to leave it in play for very long. In Abs mind, witnesses were everything. Testimony could lead to the discovery of greater amounts of evidence. This was something that Abs wanted to avoid at all costs.

Timid little Ben had found the courage to go to the police with enough information to lead to battery and drug charges against three boys who had seen fit to punish him for trying to steal one of the jocks' girl friends. Coincidently the girl in question was an old acquaintance of his to whose father he owed a very special debt to. How wonderful the way the world works sometimes. How very special it will be to settle such an old score with an old friend and eliminate the whelp all at once. It made Abs fairly tingle with warmth just to think about it.

To this end, Abs had shaven his beard and mustache completely off. His arms were covered with a long sleeve T-shirt to cover his tattoos. On his head, he had a Chattanooga Lookouts ball cap on and a pair of inexpensive low magnification, tinted reading glasses. Once he had set the stage, he would remain out of sight for a few months, let his beard grow back and come out and test the waters.

He was driving a dark blue Toyota Celica. In Baker there had to be hundreds of these models in various dark shades of paint. All he wanted to do was make sure he wasn't spotted in town. At 2:10 A.M. it wasn't likely. To make sure however, Abs approached the school from the back side. Deep woods bordered the school all around. The sight of future sub-developments and yet to be family homes. There was a dirt road that led to an old dump about halfway back. Abs would have to walk the rest of the way. That was just as well.

By 3:17 A.M. Abs had broken into the Athletic Department. The back fire doors were loose and Abs had been pleased to find it hadn't taken much to get them open. There he found several baseball bats, each one monogrammed with the words, PROPERTY OF MATHERS HIGH SCHOOL. He took two and a rather large Mathers Letterman's Jacket from Coach Monte's office. It would be all he needed. Abs then began to paint the lockers in the boy's locker room with spray paint. He pried open a few lockers, throwing the contents around the place, making a general mess of things. Abs painted the names of the three boys, all but one of them in jail, in red acrylic paint on the walls, in the shower stalls and hallway areas of the gymnasium.

When Abs was finished, it looked like the work of a few disgruntled students, unhappy with the way the boys were dealt with. It didn't matter what spin anyone put on it, be vandalism inspired for the three offenders, or against them. None of that really mattered to Abs one way or the other. The purpose here was to instill doubt, nothing more. With any luck, it would be enough doubt to cast a shadow over the responsibility for the pending event. Abs was careful not to lead anyone to believe someone would be targeted, but rather that tempers were beginning to boil over.

By 4:00 A.M. Abs was back at his car and preparing for the long trip back to the mountains. He needed to be out of town. He'd come back late Thursday night and camp out back here in the woods. He would wait until Ben and Kimberly showed up. The woods would offer a fine view as everyone came and went. When they left, there was nearly twelve miles of deserted hillside roads before the first traffic light. Accident's happen all the time on those roads. Those accidents could be especially deadly when they were provoked by angry members of the varsity football team.

He'd follow them when they left. He'd follow them and see what happened. Kinda like fishin, ain't it? Cast in your line and see what comes back when you reel it in. Abs smiled to himself, exposing rotting teeth that looked more like a mouth full of poisonous fangs in the darkness of the woods.

He had now way of knowing that his son had already closed the door on Kimberly. Not that this would have mattered to Abs.