So. Felicity was to be my girlfriend's plus one to a wedding, er, "commitment ceremony". To be fair, in support of her sister and her girlfriend, taking Felicity did place a distracting shot across her parents bow, which was evidently what was desired here. A distraction. And I AM Felicity. Saying that didn't make it all seem more reasonable, somehow. But it was a little early to be meeting the parents.

The ceremony was to take place at Allerton Conference Center, in mid state Illinois. That should have told me something, right there. Allerton includes a large formal garden, hedge maze, and a conference center on the grounds of an old robber baron estate (most of which, being early December in the midwest, was of questionable utility, being so dependant on the weather), donated to U of I by the family, and operated for meetings and events ever since.

A friend of mine in college had been a volunteer there, and thus I'd hiked it extensively before my parents illness, enjoying the plants, hedge maze, and local birds. It is a pretty site, even in December.

But still, why there?

Alice called her sister and pledged her support the next day. Assuring her she'd found a plus one (and failing to explain further), they got to talking about how things were going. Their parents were living up to their end of the bargain and had booked the site (although they were not happy about it), and catering was dealt with, but it seems a couple of the wedding party, sensing the strife, were no shows. While it was not too slavishly based on a traditional wedding, there was still a wedding party, but a couple of the bridesmaids had made their excuses and would not be attending. Before I could stop her, Alice had volunteered herself as maid-of-honor, and Felicity to be in the party.

After a brief further exchange of details, she hung up.

"What are you thinking? I've never been in a bridal party, even as a ring bearer!" I started.

"Relax, there won't be anything to it. We have to go get fitted for our dresses tomorrow, you'll hate the shoes, but it's mostly harmless. This late in the fall, the ceremony will be indoors, so you'll probably be spared the ordeal of walking on grass and gravel in heels."

That sunday, we started to plan. I was going to stay Felicity from now until after the ceremony for practice, and Alice started teaching me to do my own makeup.

Going in to work as Felicity, the next day, June was thrilled for me. "You get to stand up at someones wedding! This is one of the penultimate rites of girlhood. You're lucky! You'll get a dress, some pampering. It'll be fun. Just promise me there'll be pictures." I remained unconvinced.

Tuesday was uneventful, except that Phyllis called, saying her doctor had advised at least another week of convalescence, so it seemed she was to miss Thanksgiving after all. She was a bit bemused to find the phone answered by Felicity, but I begged leave to explain later.

That Wednesday, before our shift at the service, we went to the bridal shop. We were graciously ushered into the fitting room, which was the FIRST thing that made me nervous.

"Relax, Felicity! Jeez, we're to be in my sister's ceremony, we've a right to be here," Alice reminded me.

"YOU'VE a right to be here. The fact that four days ago, I didn't even know you had a sister is only the START of what's wrong with this picture, and me getting undressed to try on dresses is only going to show some OTHER issues with it."

"Gee, if you have trouble with that, how are you ever going to get through the spa day Friday? First of all, the bridesmaid dresses only have to be altered, not selected, at least, and I checked you over this morning and you don't show at all!," she told me, in a whisper.

I had some dresses, and some suits, but this would be the first dress chosen not to serve primarily as camouflage. In the fitting rooms, we saw the base dress, and the underfittings; a longline bra, corset, and garter belt and stockings.

If we fastened the breast forms with glue and covered the seams carefully, the bra was no problem, but I eyed the corset warily. "Won't my waist cincher do?"
"Not for this dress," Alice replied.

Despite the reputation of Bridesmaid's dresses being monstrosities that sit in the closet and never get worn again, these were fabulous. To gaze upon Alice in hers, I was torn between a purely aesthetic pleasure, and the desire to unwrap this ravishing package and make love to her, then and there, which is probably not the usual reaction in the fitting room. What I forgot to realize is I was wearing one of these fabric confections, as well, and that it was having an effect on Alice.

Standing next to me, laying a hand on my hand, she came in to kiss me, I had trouble catching my breath, and fainted (I'm sure the corset didn't help.)

When I came to, I felt funny. I had trouble letting Alice help me up from the floor where I'd crumpled. I seem to flinch away from her touch.

The attendants marked where the dresses had to be altered, and took them away, as we re-donned our street clothes. I examined my suit with a new appreciation.

On the street, waiting for an Uber back to the office, Alice looked at me, "Felicity, you seem different somehow."

"Oh, come, call me Paul."

"No, somehow that would seem wrong. I see less of Paul in you than I usually do. I'm beginning to wonder how good an idea this was. Just to be on the safe side, you'd better give me your aunt's number."

"Of course, but I think you're worrying about nothing." I was in no way as assured as I sounded, though.

"We'll see."

That night, after we'd made our way back to Alice's apartment, to be our base until after the events, in bed, staring at the ceiling, I was troubled.

"Alice," I said, "ask me something about work."

"Why?"

"I can't seem to get in my Paul mindset at the moment. My other voices seem inaccesible as well."

She hugged me, and I shied away from the intimacy. Something was up indeed.

"Well, I'd worry, but if we try to change anything maybe Felicity WON'T be able to make the ceremony, and that would be a problem at this point. Better to leave you broken until we get back, and then work on it. We've always been able to get you back before. I hate to leave it this way, but it seems safest," Alice decided.

And with that pronouncement of hers, I took a pillow and a comforter and went to make a bed of the couch, feeling very alone.

On Friday, we caught the early train to Champaign, making our spa date. As my hair was a wig, I wasn't getting anything done to it, but still getting facial waxing, eyebrow shaping, a leg wax, and a manicure with nail extensions was on the menu.

As we filed into the spa, Alice introduced me to her adopted sister, Jasmine.

"Happy to meet you, and glad to fill in. I've never been in a bridal party before," I told her.

"Goodness, and you seem so at ease! However did you manage to avoid that?"

"It might have something to do with the fact that my name is actually Paul..."

"You mean you're transgender? I was going to try to fix you up with a couple of the guests from across the aisle. How did Alice meet you?"

"What I am is a little unsettled at the moment. We actually are co-workers, although she dated my roommate back at University."

"You mean, YOU were the one who was stuck in the floor lounge reading 'Lord of the Rings' all those nights?"

"Does everyone know that story? It was just 'The Two Towers', really."

"I think we'll have to have a reunion after the honeymoon to get the rest of these stories for the album."

"I just hope you don't feel my participation in any way detracts from your ceremony."

"Quite the opposite. Under the circumstances, that may be the high point of the afternoon. You look lovely, and I'm a little jealous of my sister. And I can't wait to tell Joan."

Then her mother, Elizabeth, arrived, and we started in on our afternoon of beauty.

We had a pleasant time, punctuated with a few moments of pain; I almost forgot my worries about Paul, and when we were done, Alice and I both had half inch nails that matched our dresses for tomorrow.

We left for Allerton as a group, assuring that we'd be in time for the rehearsal if anyone was.

And the rehearsal went fine; I met Jasmine's girlfriend, Joan, for the first time. And...

As we arrived in the hall, Alice ushered me up to meet the minister, with a disturbing twinkle in her eye.

"Felicity, I'd like you to meet Minister Mike Wells, the nondenominational minister from campus who'll be officiating tomorrow."

"I don't believe I've had the pleasure, miss..," Mike started.

I moved forward to take his hand, and as I did so, a heel caught on the carpet. I only saved myself from tumbling to the floor by catching the floor with the palm of my hand, a save I had picked up in grade school gymnastics. Which, as it happened, Mike had seen me use before...

"Where did you learn to recover like that? It's a very unusual move; I've only seen once before..." Mike said, rushing to my side to steady me.

"Yes, Mike, it's me," I replied.

"Paul? It can't be. Let me look at you; I must say, you look lovely in that dress. How long have you been...Felicity?"

"Not long, it's temporary, and you could say it's Alice's fault."

"I see. No, I don't see. I have some congregants that could probably benefit just from seeing you, let alone talking to you, you seem so at ease and happy. How long have you been transitioning?"

"I'm not. This is just to show support for Alice's sister and her fiance."

"You look this good, and you AREN'T in transition? No hormones? What an unusual case..."

"I'm not a case."

"That remains to be seen," Alice said as she came back to our little group.

"Well, if you feel need of counseling or just talk, give me a call; this seems like exactly the sort of thing I deal with, most days... Heck, give me a call anyway; you're with Alice now? I have to hear this story sometime," Mike said, slipping me his card.

Which I stuck in my clutch purse. It would be good to catch up with Mike, despite the protracted explanations called for to stave off his professional side.

Alice led me to our starting position for the rehearsal and, after the announcement that her father would be joining us at dinner but not before, we started the rehearsal, joining the procession and ending up in front of the (hoped for, tomorrow) crowd.

Mike said a few words afterwards, and then we went to the rehearsal dinner; even with my diminished capacity (due to the corset), I was looking forward to something to eat, after all today's surprises.

As we entered, and after I found our seats, Alice continued forward, heading for the head of the head table, where a group was clustered, centered on one man that I suddenly realized I recognized.

There, ahead of me, was one of the toughest professors I'd had as a CS student; I'd had him for Compiler Construction, CS 341, a class used to weed out the weak students. I'd been forced to leave before the final when I withdrew to take care of my parents, and the interview with him about that decision stuck in my mind.

"Hi, daddy," Alice greeted him.

She made my introduction. I couldn't help being perturbed by the professor's "male gaze"; he seemed quite taken by my (false) bust line and hips... As we turned to go, he pinched my (padded) rear.

"I apologize for daddy; he's quite the inveterate womanizer, a trial we family members have to bear," Alice excused him.

At the hotel, we'd been booked separate rooms; Alice promised to check in with me before we left for the ceremony tomorrow. I cleaned up, changed for bed (flannel pajamas with flowers), and felt lonelier than ever, as I dropped off to a troubled sleep.

In the morning, I showered, and made a start at the parts of my makeup I was competent to do myself, and hoped Alice would be here soon, getting dressed to save time later, draping a towel around my neck against anything rubbing off.

Alice knocked shortly after, there to help me tie my corset, and finish my look. Looking at myself in the mirror, I felt a certain satisfaction that I looked so together. If I was going to be stuck doing this for awhile, at least I looked good. I wondered how long it would take me to learn to do the rest of my makeup by myself, so deeply was I in Felicity mode.

We took the limo back to Allerton, this time the two of us alone.

The ceremony itself went off without a problem. We all milled around in the aftermath, to give the happy couple a chance to get some photos in.

And there, at the back of the hall, with her cane, was Aunt Phyllis.

Alice had taken advantage of my giving her Phyllis' phone number to call her, after the incident at the bridal shop; she, herself, had been so disturbed by my manner during the call on Tuesday that, when told of thes ceremony, she'd disobeyed her doctors instructions and travelled to Champaign by herself, arriving at Allerton just before the ceremony. Alice had invited her; when I'd been made part of the party, I'd ceased to be a plus one, leaving Alice's free again (and gaining one of my own, if I had but known; I could have invited June...) Phyllis was Alice's guest.

I hugged her; she must have sensed something wrong, "Well, Felicity, it's good to see you, and hear from you again. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, nothing has worked so far. Felicity seems to have more of a hold than she used to have."

"Pish, tosh. I've said it before and I'll say it again; these episodes just manifest something you're felt the lack of and I'm sure once that need is realized and met, you'll be your normal well adjusted self again."

"And I say again, you were a dietician, not a psychiatrist."

"Pooh."

Then someone came to get the wedding party members together, Jasmine turned her back on our group, and something came sailing at me. I reflexively caught it. It was the bouquet! I'd gone and caught the bouquet. Alice congratulated me. "Um, Alice? I don't think this applies to me."

"There's nothing in the tradition that says anything about your gender. The key is that you caught it. Oh, and that you have to be a bride. You certainly look the part..."

We waved good-bye to the rest of the wedding party; we were going to be returning to Chicago instead of going to the reception, due to the vagaries of the Amtrak schedule.
I waved as the parents passed us, and I heard:

"At least some of the younger generation know how to behave at a wedding," rumbled the professor.
"Oh, be quiet, you old fool; that's a boy," rejoined his wife.

was the last thing I heard as the limo's drove by and then we drove off ourselves to catch the evening Illini back to Chicago.

"I told mother after the rehearsal dinner," Alice told me.

As Alice, Phyllis, and I left the park, looking at all the barren corn fields, not yet covered with snow, I finally realized why Allerton. The professor had gotten the venue at a preferred faculty rate! Undoubtedly with a handy off season discount, as well. The old fraud!

All the trip back to Chicago, we discussed Paul's plans, trying to recenter myself in them: going back to school, which courses he needed to finish his degree, gaming with his friends. To no avail; my mind and voice stubbornly stayed in Felicity mode.

That went on until we got back to Alice's place, where my change of clothes was (we'd given Phyllis the run of my apartment, and the key, for the day). We'd discussed and got nothing but the female perspective on Paul's plans. I started to get a bit frantic; I'd never been stuck this long before, and certainly not as Felicity. Maybe taking part in the ceremony had been tempting fate; participating in such a feminine event. Alice, holding my hand, and occasionally laying her hand on my head, in turns, kept me from dispairing until we were in private, back in her apartment; there, on a chair were Paul's clothes, and I'd never been less attracted to them in my life. Instead of changing, we decided to pull the covers over our heads, and see what the morning brought.

I got ready for bed, removing my makeup, moisturizing, and putting on my night gown, without thinking. I was so drowsy, I crawled into Alice's bed automatically instead of the couch, and turned on my side, facing the wall, sobbing a little.

As I fell asleep, I heard Alice say "Paul, Susan, Felicity, whoever you want to be; I love you and I want all of you in my life from now on." And with that, she kissed my cheek, and lay down next to me. I felt comforted, turning to spoon with her warmth, and dropped into a more contented sleep than I'd had in a week.

In the morning, I went into the bathroom and started the shower. Noting the redness of my chest where the forms were still attached, I picked up the solvent from where we'd left it by the sink, and applied it to their edges. As I peeled them free of my skin, I realized what I'd done in my half-asleep state.

"Alice! I'm back," I said, in my normal voice.

"Did you go out? No, wait, you mean YOU'RE BACK!"

Feeling confident, I quickly ran through the gamut of the voices I'd been using, even Carol. I could do all of them, and none of them exerted a lingering influence over my voice or state of mind.

"It seems you've cured me, Alice."

The end (at least for now)