"So what's wrong with being a girl?" she suddenly asked after we had been working at the puzzle for a good quarter of an hour The Price to Pay - Vol. 1.6 - Sunshine by Alys

I lay in my bed, studiously ignoring my Mother who was sat in the chair next to me. I was listening to some music by Andy Palacio, and was lost in the Caribbean/South American rhythms.

In the four days since my unwelcome gender changing operation I'd refused to communicate with my family. They'd tried to talk to me on many occasions but I'd refused to answer any questions or respond to them in any way.

I felt completely violated by the whole experience. They'd said that they'd had to make a quick decision to save my life, but maybe given the choice I would have chosen to stay in the hospice and be remembered for what I'd been. Now I faced maybe two or three years extra, living with a mutilated body.

Out of the necessity of personal survival and comfort, I'd responded on a basic functional way to the nurses and doctors when they'd asked about any discomfort that I might have and other aspects of my medical care but otherwise I didn't feel like talking to anyone.

That morning they'd removed the drains, catheter and packing from the new hole in my body, that they called my 'vagina'. The first visit to the toilet to try out my new 'equipment', or as I considered it my 'lack of equipment', had meant further humiliation as I sprayed over my pyjamas, body and the area around the toilet seat.

To add to the humiliation of having to change my clothes and see my appallingly bruised and battered groin area I was then introduced to the joys of 'dilating', or sticking a lump of plastic in my new hole. I had been told that I would have to do this unpleasant chore on a very regular basis if I wanted to have a normal sex life!

I reached over to my bedside table for a new magazine to read. My Mother looked up at my movement.

"Please honey, talk to me, tell me what's wrong" my Mother pleaded.

For the umpteenth time I didn't respond. Tears began to slowly well in her eyes and soon there were streaks along her cheeks. I felt strangely satisfied by this.

A short while later it was time for the evening drug doses. I was taking a mixture of anti cancer drugs and some female hormones. The doctors had explained to me, as if I really cared what the justification was, that this treatment had an unfortunate side effect.

It feminised the body to a lesser or greater extent, depending on age. In my case, since I had hardly started male puberty, it would give me a completely female body shape within a relatively short time. The doctors and my parents had considered that it would be a lot harder to live successfully in the role dictated by my body without the change to my genitals.

The sudden influx of non medical people into my ward announced the arrival of visiting time. Since I didn't expect or want to see anyone, I lay back and closed my eyes. I tried to take myself back to some of the sports events I'd been involved in.

I thought about some of the memorable goals I'd scored in football, some of the races I'd won in athletics and cycling and some of my performances in cricket. All things that would now be denied me in my extended but pointless extra years. I was almost asleep when something landed on top of me with a thud. I opened my eyes to see a big jigsaw box.

"It's Cardiff Castle, and it's 2000 pieces, want to give me a hand," said a familiar voice.

I looked to my side to see Heulwen, the 10 year old jigsaw maniac from the hospice. She was in a wheelchair with a drip attached, pushed by a middle aged nursing assistant, she looked very ill. Despite her obvious frailty she had a big grin on her face.

"Hey Heulwen, how did you get here?" I asked

"Jane brought me," she replied, turning her head towards her companion, who smiled at her.

"Yes, you div, I can see that, but how did you manage to come here?" I asked again, grinning back.

"Well you left before I could finish all the jigsaws so I badgered Mrs Harris to let me come so you could help me do this one," she replied, "the eyesight is beginning to go, I'll probably be blind in a few days and I haven't finished all of them yet. When I explained how good you were at doing jigsaws she jumped at the idea. I think your parents liked the idea too"

"Oh, I'm sorry about your eyes. I'll be happy to help"

With Jane's assistance she set the jigsaw up on my bedside table. She'd already completed a quarter of it. As we began working through it I could see how much her eyesight had deteriorated.

"So what's wrong with being a girl?" she suddenly asked after we'd been working at the puzzle for a good quarter of an hour.

"What do you mean?" I responded.

"They told me that you had to become a girl to beat your cancer," she continued, "and that you were having a mega sulk about it"

"I'm not sulking! They violated me, they forced me to have this operation. Nobody asked me what I wanted", I responded, turning away from her, annoyed that she had brought me from our little escape back to reality.

"Yes you are sulking," she continued," don't you think I wouldn't happily become a boy if I could live longer. I don't want to die Celyn"

I didn't know how to respond to such a comment, but somehow I felt that all my anger had been dissipated by Heulwen's sad situation. She was obviously in pain and it must have taken a huge effort to come to see me. I felt humbled and felt tears begin to roll down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Heulwen. It's not fair, you should be the one to live not me," I said after wiping my eyes. I returned to helping her with the jigsaw.

A while later we had finished and high fived. Heulwen looked exhausted.

"Will you come to my funeral, Celyn?" she asked in a quiet tired, voice.

"Of course," I replied as more tears appeared.

"But you must promise me one thing"

"What?"

"You will come as a girl"

I paused, thinking about what to say. But how could I refuse her?

"Yes"

"You promise?" she asked looking directly at me

"Yes Heulwen, I promise"

The sun shone brightly on an unusually warm early April morning. I felt uncomfortable in my black medium length dress, black tights, black flat shoes and black hat, trimmed with white and pink lace. The unfamiliar bra and knickers itched. How did women ever wear bras I thought to myself as I adjusted the straps of my padded undergarment for about the hundredth time. It was almost three weeks since Heulwen had taken her last trip out of the hospice to visit me. By the time I'd left the hospital and been able to return the favour she had lost her eyesight completely.

I visited her every day for as long as I could, We spent the time holding hands and talking. She'd told me about her short life and the years trying to fight the brain tumour. A life focused around hospital visits, treatments that made her feel awful and disappointments at failed surgeries. She'd said goodbye to me a few days before her death when she knew that her mind was almost gone and that she wouldn't know me again. That night I'd cried and yelled at the cruel fate that had spared me but taken her, someone who had not had anywhere near the quality of life that I had.

The service in the Hospice chapel of rest had been well attended by family and friends as we celebrated her life of bravery and spirit with the music and pictures she had chosen. Finally it was time for the short journey to the graveyard.

The coffin bearers lowered her small coffin into the grave and people came up in turns to throw some soil and say words of farewell. When it was my turn I avoided the pile of fresh soil and instead opened the little package in my hand.

"Thank you sweet Heulwen, you've been as good as your name and brought the sunshine back into my life*" I said softly, as I threw the jigsaw pieces.

*Heulwen is literally 'sunshine' in Welsh