The Ambassador's Wife - Epilogue.
Part 1 of 2.
By
Angharad.

We arrived at Heathrow and during the half an hour or so it took to clear immigration and have our luggage collected - remember I was with a VIP, and ostensibly, although I was on extended leave, I considered I was still protecting Rosie, although in reality, she was probably baby-sitting me.

The FCO (the Foreign and Commonwealth Office) had arranged a car to collect us, so really we got though the system rather quickly and were whisked off to some grandiose building in Whitehall, apparently for a debriefing. I was starving and they did lay on some tea and sandwiches, while I was kept waiting as one of the chinless wonders of the Civil Service interviewed Rosie. After an hour, I was sent for and followed a well dressed lady into a huge office with Persian rugs on the parquet floor.

"Good morning, Miss Collins, I'm Duncan Wallace from the Middle Eastern Bureau, I'd like to talk to you about your recent time in Amdara and Jordan, so anything, however small, might help us protect our people out there and minimise confrontation with the locals, if you get my drift."
I told him that I understood him perfectly. Astonishingly, he didn't ask me what I was doing out there in the first place, glossing over it with, "You were on work experience, I see, quite an unusual assignment," and that was it.

Over the next hour I related my experiences of being a decoy - without actually saying I was a boy cadet, though I'm sure it was mentioned somewhere. I described the escort duties I had with Rosie, that I had been trained in the use of firearms and had the unfortunate experience of actually shooting three of the attackers, two of them fatally. It still troubled me.

"While I understand your reticence, and it was a nasty experience, you coped very well under pressure of possibly being killed or injured and defended Mrs Templeton-Barre and the Jordanian guard who was injured. You also gave first aid to the wounded guard. You are obviously a credit to your age group, gender and the RMP and they are going to be recognising that in the near future.

"We shall organise some counselling for you regarding the violence and will be in touch very soon with details. You have a month off from today while you decide on your future. You may of course return to your unit if you so wish, but we'll wait and see how you feel after seeing your counsellor.

"Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Collins, I'm pleased to have met someone so young but capable of dealing with such a traumatic experience." He offered his hand and I shook it gently, grasping just his fingers as Rosie had taught me.

I was tempted to ask him if he'd seen any action but possibly Rosie would know if I asked her. Back in the waiting room, she gave me a huge hug asking how it went. I burst into tears as the gravity of what had happened re-entered my consciousness. She simply held me until I calmed down and the embarrassed receptionist returned with two more cups of tea which helped to moderate my distress. But then I'm a Brit, we drink tea and carry on - yeah, right. I did have to take some remedial action trotting off to the loo to have a wee and sort out my eye-makeup, which supposedly waterproof, didn't cope too well with tears.

"Right, young lady," Rosie addressed me as I returned looking a bit tidier, "we have to get you home."

"Oh," I said wondering what I would say to my mother.

"Is that going to be a problem?"

"Who knows?" I shrugged.

"Well after you saved my life in Jordan, I'm not going to let you face that on your own. We are going to my house in Hampstead, and washing off the dust then tomorrow, I shall take you home and speak with your mother."

"Does she know, you know, about this?" I pointed to the dress I was wearing.

"I don't think so, as far as I know she was told just that you were safe and had assisted in protecting me during a raid. She also knows you'll be home tomorrow or the next day."

"Oh," I said, "perhaps I'd better call her."

"That might be a very good idea, Amber. I'm sure she'd appreciate it. Just explain we couldn't call from Jordan because of the need for secrecy of our whereabouts."

"Of course, Ma'am," I reverted to a more formal address as we were in a sort of formal situation. She acknowledged it with a smile and a wink.
"I'm sure we could arrange that from here if you want or wait until we get to my house."

"I think that would be better, Ma'am."

"Right, let's go and get the travel dust washed off," she grabbed my arm and we left Whitehall in one of the Diplomatic Corps cars, another Jaguar. With the traffic, we took nearly an hour to get to the outskirts of Hampstead and then headed up towards the common, where I nearly gasped at the size of the house as we drove down the drive. It was huge, compared to our semi in Surrey, not only that but she had staff, a housekeeper and two other women. Boy, how the other half live.

The driver carried our baggage into the house and I was told to leave it for her staff to take up to my room. I suppose it wasn't that heavy now that I didn't need to carry a pistol and box of slugs.

One of the girls, Mollie, showed me to the room I'd be using and that was beautiful, a large window looking onto an even larger garden and a double bed with wardrobe and chest of drawers, plus an en-suite, which I couldn't wait to use. She said she'd get my case up while I showered and to use the robe that was hanging there.

The shower was bliss and I washed my now longish hair and conditioned it. A few months ago, the thought of using floral fragranced shampoos and shower gels, would have worried me, now they were what I used daily. Damn, I hope Mum has some at home, but they won't be as nice as these, I reflected as I washed off the luxuriant lather and got ready to exit the shower. As I towelled, dabbing rather than rubbing my skin, I noticed that my little breasts were growing, realising that Rosie's way of stopping my problem of unwanted erections was to use female hormones and it worked, apart from the booblets, it also made my waist smaller and my bum bigger, so I was actually beginning to develop a female body shape. I wasn't completely sure what I felt about it, but it looked as if it was what my future held at the same time, if it wasn't I had to stop it all very soon. So much to think about, my head was spinning.

I sat down in the chair in the bedroom wearing the white cotton towelling robe. I'd rubbed in the body lotion I found in the bathroom, so smelled even more fragrant than before. As I combed out my blonde hair, which was definitely in a woman's style, I wondered where my future lay and for a moment I felt every bit as scared as I was in the Middle East. What was Mum going to say? What would my dad have said, she'll say that and will she allow me to continue living as a girl? Do I really want to?

At the same time, do I want to go back to living as a boy? Do I want to stay in the army? What do I actually want? I didn't know and before I knew it, I could feel my eyes tearing up and warm drops of salty water were running down my face.

I jumped as there was a sharp tap at my bedroom door and in walked Rosie. "Hey, what's the matter, sweetie?" She wrapped me in a hug and rubbed my back as I now bawled all over her.

"What's the matter?" she asked as I sobbed quietly.

"I am so screwed up," I said sniffing.

"Why?"

"I don't know who I am anymore," I said with occasional punctuation by hiccups.

"Who would you like to be?" Rosie asked me gently, still holding me and rubbing my back or neck.

"I don't know," I sobbed and started the water works again.

"Here, I've brought you some clothes I won't use anymore, you get dressed and I'm going to ask a friend of mine to come over and speak with you."

"I don't know if I could talk to someone I don't know," I said feeling threatened.

"You'll be safe, don't worry. Now dry your eyes, and put on some clothes." She pointed to the mound on the bed which I hadn't noticed before.
I did as she requested, or was it instructed? Looking through the pile of clothes certainly distracted me and I chose a thin satin top which had a scoop neck in a deep pink colour and a short skirt in a very close colour match. The skirt was straight and must have had some lycra in it because it clung to the contours of my hips like it was glued to them. I slipped on some three inch courts in black and went to try and sort out my makeup. My eyes were rather red and sore but a cold flannel helped them a little and I managed to pop some liner and mascara on, along with some pink lipstick and a bit of blusher to try and tone down my red eyes.

"Miss Collins, Mrs Templeton-Barre is asking for you," said Mollie after gently rapping on my door.

"Okay, tell her I'll be right down, Mollie, and thank you." I'd never get used to domestic staff.

"Very well, Miss Collins." I heard her footsteps disappear down the landing. Inside part of me was thinking, 'Miss Collins? my name is Amber for God's sake.' Then I realised that although I was an egalitarian at heart, it wasn't my house so would be inappropriate, and it may be inaccurate as well, but that I had to see about. Had all my records been changed or just my passport and army paybook.

I sprayed on some perfume and grabbed my handbag. At least I wasn't leaving it everywhere now and I actually felt naked without it as very few of my clothes had pockets - perhaps that was good practice for an eventual shroud. I shuddered at that, it wasn't really funny and twice I could have been killed, once when the RPG hit my bedroom at the Amdaran embassy and second in Jordan, when those lunatics attacked us. I think all of them were killed, so what was the point of it? I really didn't understand how some people worked and these were the same guys who'd kill their sister or daughter if she looked at the wrong bloke and call it an honour killing. Where's the honour in murdering a young woman. Gosh, I was turning into a feminist. Actually, I felt quite proud of that.

I knocked and entered the drawing room and Rosie called me to enter. "Come and have some tea, Amber. Amber this is Dr Charles King, I think he may be able to help you feel a bit better."

He stood putting down his cup and saucer and stepped towards me offering his hand. "Hello, Amber, I'm delighted to meet you, Rosie has told me so much about you."

"Oh," I said looking across at her."

"Don't worry, she only told me the clean bits," he said chuckling.

"Oh well that's okay then," I said and shook his hand before accepting the bone china cup and saucer from Rosie.

"I'll leave you to it then, there's more tea in the pot if you want it." We both nodded and she left the room.

"You're a doctor?"

"Yes, I'm a psychiatrist, but don't let that worry you, we all have our crosses to bear." His eyes danced as he spoke and I smiled at his quip. "Rosie says you had a bit of rough time in Jordan?"

"We were attacked by a group of Amdarans with guns, our guard was shot in the shoulder right next to me."

"That was pretty scary."

"Yes and while I was trying to fit a dressing on his wound, some more came in and..."

"And you shot one of them?" he guessed.

"Yes, in the leg, our guard shot him dead. Then they threw a grenade at us."

"Crikey, they were definitely not very friendly, were they?"

"You should see them on a bad day," I said though I didn't feel at all amusing.

"I think I'll pass, if you don't mind."

I nodded and shrugged.

"What happened to the grenade?"

"I kicked it into the pool."

"Quick thinking, young lady."

"If I hadn't, my problems would have been over."

"You don't know that but it would certainly not have improved your rather pretty face."

I blushed and looked at the carpet.

"Was that the end of the action?"

"No, some guys came chasing Rosie and I shot both of them."

He paused and looked at me. "Did you kill them?"

"That was my intention and yes, I shot them twice, like I'd been trained to do. Apparently the second shot shocks them to death."

"And they trained a young woman to kill?"

"It was self defence and if I hadn't we'd all have died."

"I appreciate that, but I'm concerned that you were put in a position of such potential jeopardy at such an early age. I've treated soldiers much older than you, Amber, with post traumatic stress disorder from killing someone. It's an awful thing to experience and to have to deal with. Have they not given you some therapy to cope with it?"

"It's being arranged."

"Okay, unless you feel you want me to help you with it, I'll leave that to the MOD to organise. Now I hear there's another issue, about..."

"Yes, I'm a boy, or used to be."

"Which do you think applies now, am or used to be a boy?"

"You tell me," I gave back to him.

"I can't, Amber, I may be clever but even we trick-cyclists don't know what someone else is thinking, we can only make guesses based on the signs they show us."

"And what signs am I showing you?"

"Only that you're a very pretty young woman, who is dealing with a very nasty experience probably better than I would."

"Really?" I gasped almost wanting to smirk.

"Really," he confirmed.

"Does that mean I'm really a boy?"

"Why should it?"

"Well boys are supposed to be tougher than girls, aren't they?"

"Testosterone tends to make them physically bigger and stronger but doesn't mean they are mentally stronger and women often have more stamina than men; and females will fight to the death to protect their loved ones, so I don't see how any of this makes you a boy."

"Oh."

"Rosie told me that you agreed to pretend to be female to accompany her from the embassy after it came under attack?"

"I was already in her clothes before that, I dressed up as her to act as a decoy to try and draw them away from the embassy."

"Goodness you are a brave kid, aren't you?"

"Not really, I was the only one small enough to fit her clothes and I was shitting myself."

He chuckled, "I think I'd have been doing a bit more than that, young lady."

"Anyway, they blocked our communications so someone had to go and get help, so Richie and I took off in the ambassador's Jag, to try and get to Jordan."

"Which you did?"

"Eventually, though the bloody border guards weren't much help, I had to insist to speak to my 'husband'." I said speaking like I had a plum in my gob.

He roared. "You really are quite a girl, aren't you?"

"Am I?" I said looking at the floor.

"Aren't you?"

I shrugged feeling tears forming in my eyes again but not wanting to cry. "So I have terminal girldom do I?"

He snorted, "I sense you feel happier as a girl, is that correct and don't hesitate to tell me if I'm wrong."

"I don't know, it seems the army seem to think I am and are going to give me some sort of medal"

"Never mind what the army think, what do you think?"

"About what, being a girl or the gong?"

"Forget the gong for a moment, how do you feel about living as a girl, as a woman for the foreseeable future?"

"It's okay, I guess and I seem good at pulling it off."

"Pulling it off sounds like an act or a trick, if that was the case I'd have spotted it. I have not seen anything which causes me to believe you were a boy, even though you may have dressed as one and had male genitalia."

"But surely if I'd wanted to be a girl, I'd have been a bit effeminate or dressed as one when I could, wouldn't I?"

"You might have but not necessarily. It sounds as if that option was never open to you. I hear your dad was a redcap and got killed in Northern Ireland."

"Yes."

"And you wanted to emulate him."

"I never met him."

"Oh I'm sorry. So you were meeting your mother's expectations?"

"I don't know." I looked at the carpet again.

"What does she think about having a heroine for a daughter?"

I shrugged.

"You haven't told her?"

I shook my head and immediately my tears ducts overflowed all down my face.

"Right. So who has been working with you on your change of gender?"

"Rosie," I said shoving tissues under my eyes trying not to mess my makeup again.

"So, I'm the first doctor you've seen?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I need to make some enquiries but I'll take the lead on this until I feel we have someone who can help you. I believe you started on hormones?"

I nodded.

"Without medical supervision that isn't wise, young lady, but I'll leave a prescription with Rosie and I'll arrange a blood test, we'll do that tomorrow, if that's okay. How long are you staying here?"

"I think I'm going home tomorrow."

"Right, okay, you'll have to come up to town to see me, once a week for the moment until we get things properly organised. I'll sort that out with Rosie. Good luck with your mum, young lady, any problems tell her to give me a call."

"Thank you Dr King."

We both stood up and instead of shaking my hand he gave me a hug. "I'll help you sort things out, Amber, don't you worry. Try not to fret too much, I think you look and act so natural as a girl; and accept the medal, those who weren't there need to share in your courage. They need to have role models and you are excellent as that, your down to earth humility is like a breath of fresh air. Now enjoy your evening, I'm led to believe you're going out for dinner, enjoy it and let Rosie help you explain to your mother. She's very persuasive."

He hugged me again and left.

"How d'you feel now?" asked Rosie re entering the room.

"Okay I guess."

"He's nice, isn't he?"

"He was very nice. He thinks I should be a girl, doesn't he?"

"Unless you tell him otherwise, he thinks you're already a girl."

"Oh," her answer caught me on the back foot. I paused for a moment, "So becoming a boy would be like having a sex change?"

Rosie laughed, "That's one way of looking at it." She hugged me.

"Thank you for being my friend, Rosie."

"It's my pleasure and my privilege, now get your coat because we are going to my salon to get our hair sorted and then we're going out for dinner."

"I'm not sure if I want to, Rosie, I feel exhausted."

"C'mon, I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Shouldn't I wear something better than this to a posh restaurant?"

"Don't worry, it's already in the car - so come along, let's go and have fun." She grabbed my hand and practically dragged me from the house to her car.

It was only the second time I'd had my hair done. Boys don't get hair dos, they get haircuts and it was only because I was a cadet that mine wasn't a buzz cut or a flat top, or whatever they call it. In Amman, we'd had a woman hairdresser come to the villa and my boyish hair was restyled into a short girl's cut. It was still a bit short but Maria, at the salon Rosie patronised, managed to do something with it that made me feel more attractive and she also explained how I maintained it and I actually understood her. She gave me a couple of brushes I'd need including one of those with spines all around for turning hair under. I suppose Rosie paid for it like she did my facial and subsequent makeup. They used far more than I usually did but I felt quite glamorous as we left. Rosie had brought with her one of her cocktail dresses for me to borrow. I probably looked a few years older than my age, sixteen and a half, but I felt really smart in her dress and my stiletto heels.
She drove us to a bistro actually in Hampstead village where she must eat regularly because they called her by name without us saying who she was. It felt weird being called, 'madam' by the waiters, not because of my strange status, but because it was something I associated with adult women. Weird or not I enjoyed it. It made me feel grown up.

The food was delicious and despite my earlier meltdown I enjoyed it though was happy they didn't do big portions and my lemon sole was wonderful, if like a sort of expensive plaice. My mum always goes on about lemon sole as her favourite, so maybe we have something in common now, apart from our surname.

"I have to take you to Dr King's clinic tomorrow for your blood test, then we can do an hour round the shops, get your mum some flowers and go and see her."

I stopped in the middle of my mint sorbet and suspect my face showed my discomfort. I'd put it to the back of my mind and she'd stirred it all up again.

"Look, you have to face her sometime, she is your mother and if you were in her position you'd want to see your child wouldn't you?"

"I know," I said putting down my spoon, "but I was enjoying this so much, I suppose I just forgot it for the moment."

"I'm sorry, Amber; look, things will be a bit strange for her in the beginning, but if it doesn't work out, you can come up to me for a week or two."

"Don't you have to go back to the embassy?"

"Neither my husband nor the FCO think that a wise move at present."

"Don't you miss him?" I asked trying to think like a woman friend.

"Oh God yes, he is so good in bed," she said in an exaggerated husky whisper, which made my eyes widen. "Oh, Amber, you look shocked."

I blushed and stammered that I wasn't expecting that much candour.

"Amber, it's how women talk to their close friends and I feel very close to you."

"Is that because we shared the trauma in Amman?" I asked.

"That might be part of it, but also because we've grown close and I think you enjoyed some of the really close stuff, didn't you?"

I blushed like a traffic light, just thinking of her touching me in my pseudo-fanny would have made it very uncomfortable except that since starting the pills nothing happens down there anymore, which may be a bit of a loss but relieved me of a nuisance, not to mention, as a girl it shouldn't be there anyway.

"I've enjoyed being with you a great deal, Rosie, it's like having a big sister."

"Aw that's so sweet, Amber, I suppose that's how I see you really, hence sharing my secrets with you, like sisters do, like sharing my clothes - just as well hubby encourages me to dress young or you'd look like a middle aged woman not a trendy youngster."

"You have amazing taste," I said touching the dress I was wearing.

"Good job you think so, but once you develop your own sense of style, you may think differently."

"I'll never be able to afford clothes like you wear."

"Unless you find a rich husband," she joked, "but you can still look good on a budget if you plan what you want to wear and buy the best you can afford."

"All I get from the army is pocket money and that mostly used to go on my mobile."

"Is that working now?"

"No, those muppets in Amdara messed it up."

"If we have time tomorrow, we'll pop in the shop down from Dr King's place, they may be able to sort it for you. I'm sure you'd feel better having that working again."

I shrugged, since being away from my unit, I lost touch with my colleagues and those in Amdara, like Richie, I'd sent the odd email when I could. As far as I knew, they were all okay but the muppets were still playing up and all leave had been cancelled. Actually we called them worse than muppets, like ragheads, but that may seem racist to some. I expect they called us by a few choice words, not least, infidels.
After the two glasses of wine I drank, I slipped into sleep soon after getting into bed. I'd thanked Rosie for the lovely meal and the salon therapy, which she thought was a good term for it. She really did feel like I imagined an older sister would be once the childhood sibling rivalries had stopped. But I'd never know as I was an only child, with a bit of a possessive mother - would that cause problems tomorrow? I suppose I'd find out soon enough.

The next day seemed to be on fast forward, I'd managed to redo my hair as Maria had showed me and I had got quite good with eyeliner now. I'd been doing my own makeup for some weeks, practising what Rosie had shown me and experimenting on my own. I wore another of her hand-me -downs and after a quick breakfast we got the blood test done and got my mobile sorted at her local phone shop. Apparently something had been triggered in it by the muppets and it went into close down which they had to sort by plugging it into a computer. Anyway, it was working now and suddenly I had dozens of texts to look at.

Rosie bought me a couple of things, a new handbag in a backpack style, it was leather and really nice, so I'd have to be careful I didn't leave it lying about - I have improved in recent weeks and usually feel naked without my handbag. We got a huge bunch of flowers for my mum and after a snack for lunch we set off to deal with meeting her as her daughter. It was a good job I'd only had a small lunch because I felt sick all the way there.

Parking just down the road from my house, Rosie suggested she went in and explained a few things to my mum. I had no better idea so sat in the car and waited, my lunch seriously trying to exit the same way it had gone in. Perhaps the struggle I had with my tummy stopped me thinking about anything else including the time, when a tap on the window nearly made me lose control and spew all over the car. I managed to hold it back just in time.

"Come on, Amber, she's okay about things."

"She is?" I felt amazed.

"She had half worked it out."

"How?"

"You have some post waiting for you addressed to Miss A Collins."

"Yeah but that could be a typo, lots of these things are mass produced by computers anyway."

"There was also one addressed to Miss Amber Collins."

"Well my old name is a bit unusual so easy mistake."
"From the MOD."

"Yeah easy mistake."

"Miss Amber Collins GM."

"Eh?"

"The George Medal."

"Oh." I blushed and my tummy flipped.

"She's an army wife, Ambs, and your unit CO had phoned her after they reported the attack on the embassy, to say you had been evacuated and were safe, also that you had acted with some courage under fire and that they were looking to reward you for it."

"So she doesn't know about the Amman business then?"

"Apparently they told her you were safe and would be flown home soon."

"Yeah?"

"Yes and the report she received was of an attack on two British women and their Jordanian bodyguard."

"Obviously the wrong report then."

"The FCO may have its share of numpties, but they tend not to get those things wrong."

"Why did they have to tell her?"

"God knows, I suppose in case she heard it elsewhere but they told her, her daughter was safe."

"Oh shit."

"I suppose they thought she knew."

"Or the army changed my records and the Foreign Office didn't know about it and assumed I was female, full stop."

"But you are, aren't you?"

"I s'pose so," I blushed and she grabbed my arm and took the flowers from the boot of her car and gave them to me to carry. They were nearly big enough for me to use as camouflage.

I stumbled into my house and then into my mother's arms, we were both in tears and hugged for several minutes while Rosie stood discreetly in the doorway holding the bouquet.

Pausing I dabbed my eyes with a tissue trying not to destroy my eye makeup and she did the same. "You look good as a girl, Amber, isn't it?"

"Yes, Mum."

"Yes, very pretty."

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before."

"You were protecting Mrs Templeton-Barre, weren't you?"

"I don't know who was protecting who, but I had to disguise as a woman to try and keep everything secret and I guess I kind of liked it."

"So is that the end of your career?" she asked.

"I dunno, Mum, I'll have to see."

"If I might butt in here," said Rosie, "the military have protocols for dealing with transgender personnel and anyone who makes insulting or abusive remarks or actions will be dealt with."

"Not like it was in Ron's day," she sighed.

"No, I think they learned that gender dysphoric and gay personnel were too valuable to be lost simply because they were different. The army sort of grew up and now encourages soldiers to act like adults not third formers." Rosie told it like she saw it.

"Oh, well that's okay then," said my mother on the defensive.

We called a truce and had a cup of tea which was when Rosie disabused Mum a bit more that I was some willie-woofter, talking about the two attacks and how I had shown fortitude under extreme danger and had saved both her life and that of our bodyguard who was wounded.

"Wasn't he acting like a man rather than a woman?" asked Mum which seemed like a logical question.

"If a few years ago when Amber was younger," posited Rosie, "and someone had entered the house to harm you and her, wouldn't you have fought tooth and nail to protect her?"

"Of course, I'm her mother," replied Mum not realising she'd used a feminine pronoun.

"Well, Amber was protecting her nest and I'm glad she did because we all nearly died. Yussuf, our bodyguard was badly wounded, so it was a very close-run thing."

"What did they run away from - my son in a dress?"

"No, Amber shot three of them."

"Oh my God, Ron was upset for years after shooting a terrorist in Ulster. You shot three of them?" she said looking at me, I nodded quietly.

"She wasn't in a dress, she was in a bikini."

"What?" I enjoyed watching my mother trying to envision me in a bikini in the first instance and then having a gun secreted somewhere as well.
"They attacked us while we out in the villa garden which had a pool, Amber was relaxing as Yussuf was on duty and he was armed, she was sunbathing when they broke into the compound and Yussuf was wounded. She shot one of the attackers, dealt with a grenade that was thrown at her and shot two further attackers who were trying to kill me."

"My little girl did all that?" said my Mum looking at me. "Shouldn't they have had more protection for you both?"

"We were there in secret, but they followed the embassy van making a delivery, the driver was killed." Rosie added a bit more detail. "Amber's actions in repelling the attack bought time and the cavalry arrived in helicopters with a group of the SAS, who took us into safe custody. Your little girl, is amazing and I can think of no one I'd rather have with me in a tight spot than Amber. I owe her my life."

Mum nodded as a tear ran down her cheek and dripped in her lap. I sat there feeling very strange, almost like I was watching a film except my eyes were getting watery as well.

Rosie left about an hour later after we brought my cases in from the car. After visiting her house, my wardrobe had doubled and she even gave me one of her cases to transport my booty. She really was like a big sister to me.

Mum gave me my mail and there were three letters addressed to Miss A or Miss Amber Collins. They wanted me to attend for a meeting to discuss the award of the George Medal. Apparently, as a cadet on work experience, I wasn't technically a soldier being under age, but I was still on active duty in escorting the ambassador's wife and was armed accordingly. So by offering me a medal which may be awarded to military and civilians, they minimised the criticism that could have arisen from a military one.

I just wondered what the press would make of it, me being a boy in one instance and a girl in the other. Okay, so the army will control its own and while there could be indiscretions from my colleagues wanting to earn a few quid from the tabloids, I hoped they wouldn't sell me down the river. But people who knew me before, from school or just locally, that could be a problem.

I spent an uncomfortable evening with my mother trying to see where she'd gone wrong and I'd turned queer. She couldn't understand it because I'd never been queer before, was it a consequence of the trauma, had I been hit on the head, did I think they'd protect me more if I was in a skirt? In the end I said I was shattered and went up to bed. Instead of my room feeling a sanctuary, like it had been before, it now felt like part of someone I no longer was. If I stayed here, I'd need to redecorate it as a woman's bedroom.

I tossed and turned for ages and suspected my mum did the same. Even with less than five hours sleep I rose, showered and dried my hair then put on my makeup and a pair of jeans and a top. We'd bought the jeans in London yesterday.

My bedroom door was knocked and my mother poked her head round it, "Oh you're dressed already, I wondered if you needed help with your hair or makeup - I er, see you don't. How long have you been doing that yourself?"

"A couple or so months, I learnt while we were in Amman, not much else to do."

"She's a nice woman, Mrs Templeton-Barre."

"Rosie, she's like a big sister to me and I love her to bits."

"You're not having um..." she blushed and stammered.

"Look, Mum, I'm wearing a device which makes it look like I have female sex parts. It is glued on. I'm also taking female hormones, I couldn't have sex with her if I wanted, and sex with my sister - ugh."

"You're all glued up, female hormones? Oh my God. I can't believe it."

I pulled down my jeans and my panties sat on the bed and waved my groin at her. She ran out gibbering. Oh well so now she knows I'm serious.

Breakfast was tense and she avoided eye contact, I suppose I'd upset her, perhaps I was a bit hard with her but she sometimes ignores what you say until you say what she wants to hear. I wasn't playing that game. I ate my toast and drank my tea then called the MOD on the number I got from the letters.

They wanted me to either go to London or to my old unit at the cadet college. I opted for London, I didn't want to create a stir at the college. I called Rosie and asked if I could stay with her when I went to see them and also to see if I could arrange to visit Dr King at the same time. She immediately said I could. I was going in two days time. I went and told my mother.

"You never liked it here, did you?"

"It was all right," I answered trying to sound casual.

"So why did you leave to join the army?"

"I thought you wanted me to, you know like Dad."

"I didn't."

"Oh, well you signed the consent form."

"I thought you wanted me to."

"I suppose I did."

"Did you enjoy your time at the college?"

"It's okay, if I go back, that's where I'll have to go."

"How will you deal with going back as a girl not a boy?"

"It'll be a nine days wonder."

"And with a gallantry award."

"I hadn't actually thought about that yet."

"So you're really serious about becoming a woman?"

"I'm seeing a doctor in London in a couple of days."

"What for the operation?"

"Not yet, Mum, I've got to live in role for at least a year and I'm too young for surgery, they won't do it until I'm eighteen, I think. I suppose I could go to Holland or somewhere." I saw her wince at my comment.

"Well if it's really what you want, I'll support you."

I was absolutely astonished by her offer. "Thanks, Mum, I hoped you would."

"I've already lost my son, if I don't, I'll lose my daughter as well. I don't have much choice, do I?"

Instead of replying I went and hugged her. Then said, "I know this tough for you too, Mum, but I feel it's something I need to do."

"Are you going to stay in the army?"

"I don't know, Mum, but if I sign on for a short service commission, they'll pay for me to go to uni which would save us a load of money."

"If you did that your dad would be proud of you, our daughter, the officer."