Antonette's Story A novel by Bronwen Welsh Copyright 2020

Chapter 7   'Ae fond kiss'

My life as a girl had developed into a routine. Every weekday, after school, where I studied hard, I went home, changed into a leotard and spent an hour practicing ballet. Daddy had kindly installed a barre for me in the garage, and also a portable one for my room when it was too cold for the garage. After that, it was time for tea and then my homework. By the time I finished that it was often time for bed.

I studied hard to make sure of getting into university if I wasn't successful with ballet. I would defer if necessary, but at least I had a 'Plan B'.

On Saturday mornings I attended ballet school. They were very pleased with my progress. I had been in the audience for the annual Christmas show, but I was determined that by the time of the mid-year show, I would be on the stage. I think Mummy and Daddy were amazed how much work I put into ballet, but I realised that if I was ever to become a professional ballerina, then this was absolutely required. I had no delusions about becoming a prima ballerina, but if I could make it into the 'corps' of a professional company, that would be my ambitions fulfilled, and any further progress would be a bonus. Another reason why I wanted to perform in the mid-year show was that I wanted Gary to be in the audience and let him see what I could do.

The first time I met Gary, he told me he wanted to be an astronomer and that he had his own telescope, he also prematurely invited me to see it, but now that we had been going out for a while he brought up the subject again.

“I've asked Mum and Dad if you could come around to tea one Saturday evening and then look through my telescope, that's if you'd like to?”

“That would be really interesting, Gary,” I replied. “Thank you.”

“There's only one problem living in London and that's the light pollution. I took the telescope out into the country once, when we were away on holiday, and could see so much more, but I can show you things like the moon and some of the larger planets. We'd have to make sure that it was a cloudless night, and that's not so easy to find in London.”

As it turned out, we were lucky the following Saturday. Mummy and Daddy had given me permission to stay at Gary's house until ten o'clock when Daddy would come to pick me up, and I'd received an official invitation from Gary's parents to have tea with them. They were very nice people and I felt very comfortable meeting them, quite sure in my own mind that they wouldn't see me as anything but a teenage girl.

Gary had a thirteen-year-old sister called Kate. She was a pretty young girl on the cusp of womanhood and very shy. She complimented me on the dress I was wearing. She wore a pretty dress too, so we got on from the start. While Gary was setting up his telescope in the back yard, Kate asked if I would like to see her room. I asked her Mummy if it was alright. She gave me a slightly curious look and said it was fine. I learned later that she thought I was a very polite girl to ask permission.

Kate's room was very girly, all pink wallpaper and duvet cover, with a row of dolls and toy dogs on the bed. I complimented her on how pretty her room looked and she blushed and thanked me. I noticed a pack of sanitary pads sitting on her dressing table, although I tried to look like I hadn't noticed, but it turned out she wanted to ask me about periods. This was ironic as of course I've never experienced them myself, Thank goodness I had discussed them with April as I wanted to know everything about being a girl.

“Mummy says I will start to have a monthly bleed soon and not to be frightened,” Kate said. “Can you tell me what it's like please?”

“Your Mummy is right,” I replied. “It's what happens when you become a woman. Each month, your body produces an egg that could become a baby if it was fertilised, but when it isn't, then your body flushes it out with a little blood. That goes on for a few days and then stops. Tell your mummy when it starts and stops. Sometimes you might not feel too well when it happens, and it's best not to do things like swimming or other sports at school. They will understand.”

“Thank you so much, Antonette. I was a bit worried but you make it seem so natural.”

“Well, it is a natural part of being a woman. Once it starts happening, it will go on for years until you are about forty years old. In fact, if it ever doesn't happen, then you should tell your mummy that too.”

I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to talk about having sex with a boy and getting pregnant, that was something for her mummy to talk to her about. Instead, I looked at the row of dolls and stuffed toys on her bedhead and especially a really beautiful bride doll.

“That's Jemima, my favourite doll,” Kate said, handing her to me to look at more closely. She was beautifully made with a dress of real silk and a lovely lace veil,

“How many dollies do you have?” asked Kate.

“None,” I replied, and realising that might sound strange, I said:” I did have some but I thought I should give them away when I grew up, but now I'm thinking it was a mistake.”

“I'm always going to keep mine,” said Kate.

I noticed some ballet shoes hanging on her wardrobe door: “Oh, you are learning ballet too!”

“Oh yes! I love it!” replied Kate.

“So do I,” I replied. “I'll tell you a secret, not even Gary knows. If I get to be good enough I'd like to join a ballet company and dance professionally.”

“That would be wonderful,” said Kate. “I do hope you succeed. I'll come to watch you.”

“Yes it would be wonderful, but there's probably a hundred girls applying for every vacancy, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and practicing really hard,” I replied.

Soon after that Gary tapped on the door and said that the telescope was set up and would I like to come and see some of the night sky. He had a refractor telescope, one where you look through the eyepiece and up the tube to the lens at the end, rather than the reflector type. Interestingly, the image you see is upsidedown, but that really doesn't matter when you are looking at the night sky. If you want to look at terrestrial objects, then you look through an eyepiece lens which inverts the image so that it looks the right way up.

The first thing he showed me was the moon which was in its first quarter, and I thought there was a certain irony about that as many people think that a woman's menstrual cycle is linked to the phases of the moon being close to the same length. I didn't say anything to Gary about that of course since I thought he would be very embarrassed. After I marveled at the clearness with which I could see the moon's craters, he found the planet Jupiter and some of its moons, and as a grand finale, Saturn and its amazing rings. I'd seen pictures of it before, but knowing that I was looking at the real thing through the telescope was really exciting.

All too soon, Daddy arrived to take me home. He was introduced to Gary's parents and invited to have a cup of coffee which he politely accepted. He was about the same age as them and they got on very well. I spoke about the amazing sights Gary had shown me through the telescope, and he looked very proud as he listened to me.

I visited Gary's house twice more in the following months and he showed me more amazing celestial sights on the first night, but unfortunately on the second one, clouds came over and we couldn't see anything, but he showed me some of his astronomy books and beautiful pictures of the universe. I also spent some time with Kate; even with our age difference, which seemed a lot at that time, we still got on incredibly well.

Gary came to my house for tea as well, but I think it was boring for him as I didn't have anything that interested boys to show him. Ironically I did have an electric train set which was bought for me by Mummy's brother, my Uncle Jack before I was even born. He reasoned that since Mummy had already given birth to three daughters, the next child must be a boy. Imagine his euphoria when I was born!. When I was two, he met and married an American lady who had come to London to study, and went back to live at a town called Poughkeepsie near New York and the location of Vassar College where she worked. Since he never came back to England, he continued in blissful ignorance that his nephew was now his niece.

As a girl, I didn't feel comfortable letting Gary know that I had a train set as he might think it odd. Mummy said that she didn't see any reason why I shouldn't have one. Looking back I think she was rather ahead of her time as she suggested that one day women would be driving trains and even piloting airliners. I agreed with her, but I still asked Daddy to put my train set up in the attic when Gary visited.

Miss du Plessis and her assistants seemed very pleased with my progress at the ballet school. Not all the girls stayed since for some it was just a fad or a form of exercise and then tired of it, but I was very serious about it and worked really hard. I was keen to go 'en pointe' but I knew I had to wait until my teachers said I was ready. Fortunately, my experience in gymnastics meant that I was very strong for my size, including my feet, and this was a big factor in my favour.

Everything was going so well, but one Sunday when I went out with Gary as usual, I sensed that something was wrong, although when I asked Gary, he said everything was fine. I knew it wasn't but decided I would just have to wait until he was ready to tell me, even though that was hard to do. It occurred to me that maybe he had decided that he didn't want to go out with me anymore, so I decided to make it easy for him.

“Gary, if you don't want to go out with me anymore, I promise I won't cry or make a scene It's been wonderful while it lasted.”

Gary looked shocked: “Oh no, Antonette, it's nothing like that at all. Look, I might as well tell you. You know my Dad's in middle management here; well his firm has decided to set up a branch in Melbourne, Australia. He applied for the top position there and they've appointed him, so that means we are emigrating.”

It was quite a shock; in fact, I'm sure I turned white because Gary looked worried and suggested that I sit down.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I should have broken it to you more gently.”

“So when are you going?”

“In about four months. Dad's actually over there now, setting things up and finding a house to rent and enquiring about schools. He is coming back to finalise things here and then we will all fly out. I wish I didn't have to go, but it seems I have no choice as we don't have any relatives I could stay with here and I don't think my parents would agree to it anyway.”

“How long do you think you'll be over there?” I asked

“I really don't know, some years at the very least, but there's nothing to stop me coming back when I'm older.”

'Unless you end up marrying an Aussie girl,' I thought to myself, and then, of course, it occurred to me that sometime he would have to know all about me, and how would he feel about that?

I tried to smile, but it wasn't easy. “We can stay in touch, exchange letters. You will have heaps to tell me about life over there. I wonder if you'll live in the country and see kangaroos hopping over the fields?”

Gary managed a laugh. “Melbourne's not like that, it's a city but not like London. Dad says it's smaller and they have electric trams running in the streets just like London did many years ago. He says most of the houses are bungalows, only the ones near town have two floors. He's getting used to the Aussie accent and the different things they say like 'G'day'; they are all very friendly.”

I couldn't help thinking that Gary was really looking forward to going out there and perhaps he was, but I still thought that he was going to miss me.

When I got home that night, I told Mummy what Gary had told me.

“I'm going to miss him, Mummy. I know you'll say we are very young, but I'm really fond of him,” I said, and a tear rolled down my cheek. Mummy came up and gave me a hug.

“I know you do, darling, and there's nothing I can say to make things better,” she said. “Sometimes life seems very unfair.”

Gary and I continued to go out together and he told me more about what was happening. Gary's parents had decided not to sell their London house, but to let it fully furnished. In that way, they would have somewhere to come back to if things didn't work out. I thought that was a very good idea.

“Dad's rented a furnished house in an area called Camberwell, the same name as the London suburb,” he said. “There's quite a few places there with English place names. He's also made inquiries at a school called St Michael's for me to attend. He says it seems to have a good reputation for teaching science and mathematics which is important to me as you know.”

The evening of the ballet school midyear show arrived and Gary was coming together with his mummy and Kate to see the show. My Mummy, Daddy and Jeanette came too. I did my very best to dance as well as I possibly could. The show went very well and every item had generous applause. I didn't do any solos, but the corps were in a lot of items so I was on stage a lot and had several costume changes in addition to the traditional tutu.

After the show, Daddy treated us all to supper at a local café. Everyone said how much they enjoyed the show, and were very complimentary about my dancing.

The weeks seemed to fly by and I knew that the time of Gary leaving for Australia was coming closer. I tried not to think about it and devoted more time to practicing ballet because it gave me something to concentrate on. However, the months reduced to weeks and then the weeks reduced to days, and finally the last day we would see each other had nearly arrived. Gary's family was flying out on Sunday afternoon, so it was agreed between his and my parents that we could spend the Saturday together and be home by eight o; clock.

Gary arrived at nine o'clock in the morning of that final day. I had been up since six o'clock, determined that I would look as pretty as possible to give him a nice memory of me while he was away. When he knocked on the door, he complimented me on my appearance, as he always did. I was determined to smile and look cheerful for the whole day, no matter how I felt inside. I didn't want Gary to feel guilty for going away. I noticed that Gary had brought along a camera and I also took mine. We both wanted to record this final day for our memories.

“What would you like to do today?” I asked.

“Well, for a start, I know this sounds silly, but I'd like to go to Buckingham Palace and watch the 'Changing of the Guard'. I've never seen it because it was one of those things I thought I could see anytime, and if someone in Australia asks me about it, I don't want to admit that I've never been to it.”

So we took the underground railway to central London and first we saw the 'Changing of the Guard' at Buckingham Palace and I suspected we were probably the only people there who weren't tourists, judging by all the foreign languages and strange accents we heard. Then we walked down the Mall to Trafalgar Square and fed the pigeons. We called into the National Gallery for a while and saw some of the most famous paintings in the world, and had some lunch in the cafe. Both our parents had given us extra money to enjoy our final day together.

I didn't know when was the right time to do it, so after we finished lunch, I opened my handbag and brought out a small package.

“Gary, this is for you, to remember me by,” I said.

His eyes widened. “Antonette! This is such a surprise. As a matter of fact, I brought something for you too,” and he brought out a small package from his pocket.

After discussion, Gary opened his present and it was a watch. “Oh, this is wonderful,” he said. “You know I've never had a watch, and now whenever I look at it, I'll think of you,” I confess I nearly lost it then, but somehow kept my emotions under control. Now it was my turn. Gary's present to me turned out to be a small heart-shaped gold locket on an elegant gold chain. After I thanked him, we both stared at our presents for a while, until I said: “Would you help me put it on please?” and Gary carefully put it around my neck and fastened the clasp. Then he put on his watch and we smiled at each other.

You may wonder how I managed to afford to buy him the watch. The fact was that since the time I knew he was emigrating, I had saved up all my pocket money, and was going to add to it some Christmas money that one of my aunties had given me. I had chosen the watch, which I had seen in a jeweller's window not far from where we lived. When the time came to pick it up, I was still a few pounds short so I asked Mummy if I could have an advance on my pocket money, and she agreed since I had tried so hard to save for it. I'm not sure how Gary saved for the locket. Even though it was gold-plated rather than solid gold, it must still have cost him quite a lot of money. Perhaps he got an advance on his pocket money too.

“I have a suggestion for this afternoon,” said Gary. “My mum asked what we were going to do today and after I told her what I wanted to do she asked what you wanted to do and when I said I had no idea, she said that since you were studying ballet, maybe you would like to go to a ballet performance. Then she told me that the Sadler's Well's Ballet have a matinee performance of 'Swan Lake' today, so... (and here he fished in his pocket) here are a couple of tickets.”

I confess that I nearly lost it again, then. “Oh, that would be so lovely!” I cried. “How clever of your mummy to think of that. Are you sure you won't mind sitting through a ballet though?”

“I've never seen one before,” Gary replied. “Anyway, what I really want to do today is be with you, so I'm quite happy to be at the ballet.”

It was a lovely afternoon holding hands with Gary as we sat in the circle of the beautiful old theatre looking down at the stage. I didn't tell him that I had already been to see it with my Mummy. As a budding ballerina, I was happy to see the production many times and indeed I have over the years, and every time I learn something new from it. At the interval, Gary said that one day he expected I would be dancing on that stage.

When we finally left the theatre, it was getting quite dark, and we still had a few hours before I had to be home. The evening was chilly and we just wanted to be together. We could have gone to a cafe, but it would be noisy and crowded. Then I noticed something; for many years in London, small cinemas called 'Newsreel Theatres' had existed, which besides newsreels, showed short films, and cartoons. They were primarily intended for travelers or visitors to the city who had an hour to kill, and the films were shown nonstop. Many of the little cinemas had disappeared, but now, here was one of the last few remaining, just when we wanted somewhere to go that was warm and comfortable, and nobody would disturb us.

Gary bought the tickets and we walked into the warm darkness. From the light reflected off the screen, we saw that there were some seats vacant in the back row. Two couples were already there, and they weren't paying much attention to the films. We sat together and Gary put his arm around me. I turned to him and we started to kiss. Over the months that we had been together, our kisses had become more 'French' and now they were 'full-on' as we clung together like we never wanted to let each other go.

After a while, our bodies were pressed so tightly together that I could feel that Gary had an erection from the intimacy of our embrace and I did something I'd never done before which was to reach down and gently fondle him. He groaned with pleasure. As for me, I was thankful that I was wearing my elastic 'shapewear' as I always did when I was on a date with him, and somehow this kept me 'under control', although I confess it was very uncomfortable. If Gary had been less of a gentleman, he might has put his hand under my skirt and I would have done nothing to stop him, no matter what the consequences, but he didn't. Looking back, if it had been at all possible, I would have given myself to him body and soul at that moment, in the same manner as the couple who were a few seats from us.

Eventually, I noticed that the film on the screen was the one that was showing when we first came in, so we had been there an hour. I asked Gary what the time was, and, alas, it was time for us to go. We took the 'tube' back to Finsbury Park, and walked to my house, in silence since neither of us could find anything to say. I felt it was almost like two condemned persons walking to the gallows.

At the gate of my house, I asked in a choking voice if he wanted to come in, but he shook his head, not trusting himself to speak, but I could see the tears on his cheeks in the light from the streetlamp. We shared one final kiss, not a French one this time, it was quite chaste. Then he said in a voice that didn't sound like his, it was so choked up: “I love you, Antonette, and I always will. I'll come back for you someday.”

I let the tears flow now and somehow it felt better. “I love you too Gary. Please don't forget me when you are twelve thousand miles away. I'll wait for you, I promise.”

“I'll write to you every week,” he said through his tears.

We shared one final kiss, and then Gary turned and walked away. I stared after him, willing him to turn around, but he didn't. I don't think he trusted himself to look around and not come running back to me. When he disappeared around the corner, I walked through the gate, down the pathway and opened the front door. I could hear the television in the lounge room, but I couldn't bear to see anyone, not even Mummy, so I ran up the stairs to my bedroom, took off my clothes, pulled on a nightie and got into bed. Then the dam really broke and I sobbed and sobbed as if my heart was breaking, and I think it was. Finally, totally exhausted, I fell into a deep sleep.

While I was writing this, I had a CD of one of my favourite artists, the late Scottish singer Kenneth McKellar, playing softly in the background, and I suddenly realised that he was singing the beautiful love poem by Robert Burns. You can find it on Youtube.

'Ae fond kiss and then we sever
Ae farewell, and then forever
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.'

I should have switched it off as it always makes me cry, and it's hard to type through a mist of tears.

To be continued

Next time: A special present.